Fiera's Diary

Sent updated balances and plan assumptions to financial guy. The financial software is simply not reconciled to the investing website, and may partially be related to syncing issues a while back. Mostly sorted out through placeholders but ideally would have all the raw actual transaction data.

I have this very uneasy feeling working on all of this, as so much money is just simply no longer there. I accept the money paid for taxes on roth conversions and everyday expenses. I don't see how I should be upside down otherwise. Will only be able to spend a limited amount of time time on it today, but at least I am *trying* to make my brain function and wrap around the shortfall.

I guess the big thing is whether I need to try a different firm. I know I am not comfortable heading in to next year right now.
 
This afternoon I have been having a minor struggle with anxiety while maintaining more awareness. The cause is the financial stuff, and about making bad decisions (or letting them continue). How do I judge whether I am making a bad decision? What are the options? Mostly though I am just shutting the door on it and calming my thoughts. Am making a healthy dinner. What does my inner cheerleader has to say today? That I am competent and when I tend to my health I feel better and live IN my life better.

KDog has not been too enthused with her usual food the past couple of days, so I shared a bit of my pork chop in her dinner and she gobbled it right up. It sucks, I know, she gets bored, but she has such a sensitive GI system. If the pork doesn't give her the runs it could be an option once in a while to introduce variety.

The compost container doesn't seem to be smelly yet, it seems like adding new food on top may keep the bottom stuff from going foul so fast. Maybe.

I leave for the concert in 2 hours. Going to take some time between now and then to breathe, meditate, and get into a mindset of FUN and enjoyment.
 
Tuesday
So weird. I never did get fully into a relaxed mode. First, I decided to take a ride service but out of habit I hit the shared ride button. We went out of our way to pick up and drop off one person and then picked up another person. My 20-25 ride took 45 mins and I walked into the venue right at 7:30. I got sent on a wild goose chase for the VIP check in and then was ultimately given the gift packs for my the tickets I had sold, meaning I had 3 gift packs to hold, and was on the lookout for the couple I had sold the tickets until they finally arrived just before the main act went on. Thank goodness I had an aisle seat because the guy on my left was taking up more than his own seat (he was super nice and tried to keep his arms to himself), but I just sat in the row in front until those people showed up, while the 3 gift packs occupied my actual seat. The people directly in front of me were tall, and I am not, but having an aisle seat was part of my viewing strategy from the beginning. The crowd was good but not as loud as the last time, and the show was so polished that there was no room for any impromptu moments. Still it was excellent. A number of ppl were there who I know, including Saylor, though I saw no one in person (by design).

It's silly, but all those little details and distractions and anxieties over logistics meant I never really relaxed.

Also, there was a pretty strong smell of hot plastic the entire duration, whether the lights or fog machines or whatever, but it was not healthy and I was coughing a bit towards the end, Of course sang myself a bit hoarse too. I can't imagine what singers need to do to maintain their voices under such conditions.

I was admittedly tired toward the end, and bolted out the stadium the moment the last song ended. The bus was not leaving right away so I hopped in a cab, then hopped back out when the guy quoted me $70 (clearly not planning to pull the flag). As it was the bus-train-walk got me home in under an hour. Just a little spooky on the walking part unaccompanied at nearly midnight.

Am glad that I went! :)

KDog is ready to go out so I will bbl.
 
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Tired today, got nothing done really. Was supposed to do laundry.

I am having anxiety about taking care of my dad. His weight (fluid) is going in the wrong direction and Peaches is about to leave. I have to take care of him and his dog but also my needy dog, and not in my own home. I have to pack everything and bring stuff with like paperwork I need to work on. It's really too much and I am doubting my ability to do it, The household gets up by 6. They have those poison coffee pods. So I have to bring the french press, grinder etc. Well I just really hope KDog doesn't go potty in the house but it will be a miracle if we avoid it. The whole thing feels stressful, Failure is not an option. Been thinking of who I can call for help if the bottom falls out.
 
Wednesday

Yesterday was an unplanned rest day, which was apparently needed. I ended up taking Xanax in the later afternoon and evening. It helped me get a better nights' sleep.

This morning my waking thought was of the anxiety amd stress and I said to myself, "You have an active choice how you choose to enter this day." It worked and I felt myself relax. Reminded myself that there are many things beyond my control about this situation and I can only do my best and give what I have.

My gut was really uncomfortable from a constant barrage of eating yesterday. It is feeling a bit better now. Matcha is a good starting point and I will make that the priority while at my Dad's, rather than worry about coffee. It would be good to reduce coffee in any event.

Also, staying at my dad's is an opportunity for a reset with food and physical exercise. His dog needs a lot of brisk walking. He needs smaller portions of healthy, low salt, high fiber food and no snacks. I can regain some discipline. Most likely I will be busy most of the time. If I can corral my frustration and remind myself of the benefits of such a lifestyle, I may feel much better at the end of 10 days. That is a definite silver lining.

And just being in a home that is uncluttered and clean will be nice.

Also, while it is a pain, I and considering bringing some old family photo albums with. If dad feels like looking at them and talking and telling stories, maybe there are some things I have yet to discover, or stories that remain untold.

I have been intentionally not bringing fresh food into the house for a few days now. I have some frozen things which need to be used up anyway. The compost bin is fairly full and has not been stinking up the kitchen so it looks like I will be able to dump it twice per week. It has found a home on top of the refrigerator.

I did get on the scale a few days ago and was puzzle that my weight is not up over 190 at this point. My thighs and butt have gotten bigger, and I am wondering if I have lost muscle in the interim which is offsetting the fat gain. Not great. But as said, I have an opportunity ahead to restart some healthier habits while at my dad's.

I don't seem to have much to talk about. Guru doc today and dermatologist. Laundry. Compost drop off. Tomorrow I pack to go to my Dad's. Not planning to drive out there until early Friday morning. Need to get notes together before Guru doc visit. Guess I had best get moving!
 
Well, I got doc notes together and did not overthink it. Not much new since last meeting which appears to be June. Except weight gain, bad COVID reaction. Afraid he is going to want Ozempic. It could work. I am afraid of serious side effects.
Laundry is progressing.
Made turkey burger (on thin whole grain w TI) and salad for lunch
Breakfast was four slices of bacon 🧐, boiled egg, banana
Tired already. I took a 2nd WSR to see if that would help.
Nearly an "hour til shower". Will go walk Kdog if I can get her to wake up...
 
Thanks Cate! I find I am looking forward to it more now that I found a different way of looking at it.

It is also good that I had my visit with Guru doc yesterday. He was not down on me about the weight gain, he just helped going about setting up some areas to focus on. One is getting into a better sleep routine. Another is figuring out why I usually am done for the day (fatigued) by 3 or 4 in the afternoon, Might be adrenal fatigue. In any event he says that the body has reptilian responses and one of them is to eat to combat fatigue. He also said to try to eat a bit more for breakfast and lunch, that the old way of doing things may not be working for me. Also plenty of lab work to have done. Insurance may not cover one which comes in the mail. Also, he thinks I need food allergy testing.

Skin doc says that underlying body inflammation likely is a primary driver of the skin issues I am having....inflammation "makes everything worse". So it may not be a specific food so much as a cumulative effect.

We also talked about my pretty severe effects to the COVID Booster. He is not a fan except in older higher risk patients. He says that initially they thought the MNRA went after a different part of the cell, but in reality it diverts or kills off your mitochondria which are responsbile for producing all the substances your body needs to function. So for example the walk I took with EF where my heart rate dropped the entire time and I was short of breath, that was because 2 days after the shot my body didn't have what it needed. It was very interesting. He is ambivalent about flu shot (did they get the right strain?) and the RSV shot. And even the shingles shot (which I take).

Anyway, he told me he thinks we can reverse course and get healthy but that if I don't my next decade I will have a sh*tshow of disease. He was kind about my life circumstances but really encouraged me to gently up my game...getting serious about a sleep routine, using KDog slow walks as meditation time, etc.

My BP was also elevated so he wants me to keep checking it at home.
 
Errands are done. Laundry is nearly done. Good because I am not feeling so great. A bit dizzy and nauseous. BP is still elevated. I did have a margarita, empanadas, and chips and salsa last night while I was spending time during appointments. So maybe a ton of salt. I didn't sleep great. I am reallly glad that I don't have to leave the house til tomorrow morning. Still need to pack and load the car. I will do that in bits as I feel up to it.
 
Friday - Dad Day 1 (DD1)
Woke (alarm) at 6, was on road at 8:20. Think I remembered all the important stuff...heat down, garbage out, water plants, certain lights on, power strip for TV/Stereo off. Brought a lot of stuff but packed it tidily. No shower. Arrived 9:20AM Unloaded car and talked to CB. Jumped in to problem solving.
- Called manufacturer about 2 diabetes sensors which fell off, shipping replacements
- Got Z conferencing app ready for condo assn meeting
Walked dogs. Went to lunch. Went to bank. Picked up shrimp and salad for dinner.
- Determined N Suite email $449 was fraudulent
- Called annuity co. to resolve deposit issue bank cannot solve (try again, no joy)
- Helped advise about malware cleaner software he may or may not have ordered
Fed and walked dogs. Peeled and cleaned shrimp. Made dinner. Cleaned dishes.
Rebooted cable modem and router. Checked on his bipap machine.
Finally sat the F down around 7.
KDog got me up a couple of times and finally ate the rest of her dinner after I put cheese in it.
I'm pretty tired.
He is watching hockey and I'm checking emails and letting my body recover. One more trip out with the dogs around 9:30, then I will be off to bed because morning here starts at 6.
 
Saturday (DD2)
I did everything right and had a bad sleep night anyway.
Make eggs and turkey sausage for breakfast (toast, fruit)
Dog walk, KDog not feeling well, his dog B 1.4 miles ish.
KDog soiled the carpet so I lost time cleaning that up with the steamer
Skipped the kennel
We were going to do for Chinese and when we got there he balked at the place
Went to TJ and then came home and made turkey sandwiches for lunch.
We will order Chinese take out for dinner and I will hit a couple of stores...pet food and supplies to make tuna mac.
Looked into why my sold tickets were not showing...trying to get answers, anxiety, preoccupied...finslly after lunch realized there was a somewhat hidden area of the app, all the stress for nothing but amplified unnecessarily due to cruddy customer service. I hate bot based busineses,
Found lots of wrappers in trash this morning. Grumble.
Tired. Feel like supposed to be productive but I need to rest while he and dogs napping.
Hockey again tonight.
 
Sunday (DD3)

Bit better mood today. Not better sleep but he is out watching football with a friend for a few hours. I got in a 2 mile walk this morning with BDog and got some grocery and dog food shopping done once he left for football. Getting KDog better sorted and have appt with consulting vet tomrw eve for her limp. Just had a nice shower. Traded msgs with Pixy and sounds like there is some alignment on trending towards moving intake to a kennel or facility. Dad has Chinese leftovers for dinner and I can have a turkey sandwich so I think I am going to have a nice easy evening.

His frustration level seems to be improving today. Also his weight was a bit better. Maybe Dad and Peaches will get down to FL for a few months after all.

Feeling more at peace for the first time since I got here.

Maybe not entirely a coincidence...D3 no cigarettes (again).
 
Monday DD4

Today I'm breaking. Not because anything bad happened. Just another bad sleep night. And being almost constantly busy, Getting overtired.

Something stinks in the house, I'm running out of options. I'm down to maybe my dad needs a shower. Or my dog needs a bath. Am changing and washing bedding and then I will worry about changing/washing dad and dog.

Also KDog has been limping so we are seeing the specialist vet tonight. I could cry. I don't want to drive an hour each way in the dark on dark country roads. I don't see that well any more. But I kinda don't get to pick.

Just checking in to outgass, maybe I can catch a short nap.
 
Tuesday (DD5)
Was already struggling today, woke up at 4 (but at least slept for 4 or 5 hours unbroken). Got rushed out the door for breakfast and only took the dogs for a short potty break earlier due to rain. I didn't expect KDog to soil her crate but there it was, and a mess. Another hour cleaning/laundering; not her fault. Dad was making me pretty nuts. Trying to get me to agree to get bakery eclairs (plural: for him. Watching conspiratorial shows and ranting about everything. Obsessing over getting $100 bill changed not that he has any immediate spending needs. Obsessing over diabetic sensors even though we have some now. Obsessing over eating lunch and having the garage door open for his friend (both more than an hour in advance). I have to do stuff just to get him to stop obsessing over it. I'm reprogramming his scale to his phone and he is being entirely argumentative about limiting sodium even though the kidney doc emphasized it yesterday. In the middle of everything I got a text from my financial guy and I accidentally stood him up. And I could't get there quick because our meeting place was 20 minutes away...double eff,..I hate that.
 
Regrouping

His buddy took him out. Realized dog crate still stinks a bit so did another round of cleaning. After he left swept remainder of garage. Put new bulbs in opener earlier, Peaches had not gotten around to doing it. Need to run errands just waiting for crate to dry. He is obsessed with driving to an adjoining state tomorrow for fuel and kept refusing to entertain going to wholesale club. He doesn't want to pay fuel taxes to this state. Finally I just said that if it was going to make things easier for me, on the day before Thanksgiving when traffic will be nuts, he will have to make an exception and go to wholesale club a mile from the store where I am picking up our precooked dinner. Or wait until Friday. He has more than half a tank! And the obsessing over the $100 bill. Gah! I think maybe he needs neuro testing after all. I mean, I see myself in his behavior but it's just constant all day long. He is obsessed with planning the next meal as soon as the current one has been consumed. Maybe that started with Peaches? Is this what there is to look forward to for the next 30 or so years?

OK that was not regrouping. But hopefully I got it out of my system because I was really upset and looking for someone/something to blame after I missed that appointment.

I look forward to a nice shower.
 
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Weds (DD6)
This is a bust. So many absurd, offensive, and shallow things coming out of his mouth. I can't get my own stuff done. I have lost patience with him multiple times. I spent my little free time making plans to drive them to FL on Christmas and also trying to plan to spend time w Proggy also over Christmas. Feeling stressed and having trouble concentrating/organizing...which is usually a sign of underlying emotional turmoil.

Deep breath. Double down on gratitude and breathing...
 
Tues (ADD2)
Wow. It is like time is just missing. I was either exhausted or dissociating, Or both, I'm not sure I want to document the bits worth documenting, Will just say Proggy came up for Thanksgiving, went to EF's Friday Eve, KDog shrieking in crate. TV TV TV, did almost nothing for myself for 9 days.

Got home Sunday afternoon. Beyond exhausted. Worked on arrangements for driving them down on XMas, Kdog sitter, pricey flight back. Broke out the black cherry vodka and felt better. Conked out by 8P and slept for 8 hours.

Popped out of bed with energy, music, dancing, yesterday. Was so nice to feel like myself again..a bit of temporary freedom. Didn't last. Spent entire day working on rescue stuff and by midafternoon bad brain fog returned and I couldn't logic, plan, or proofread. I am going to make a serious mistake one of these times. Anyway, it was such a black and white,shift maybe there is a clue in it...cortisol, food sensitivity, etc...

Had blood labs from guru doc this morning. Salivary cortisol on deck.

We have a transport tomorrow, much to do to get ready. Was so far behind, but managed to make progress yesterday in spite of being fuzzy headed and slow.
 
Wednesday. Transport on a different day of the week, and slightly earlier. Hopefully translating to an early completion since vet tech coming on day off. Logistics however are harder since most intake vols cannot come that early.

I took KDog for a nice walk and will probably give her a small sedative. Overall though, this one is more relaxed. There is not a major "fix" (lay pavers, broken concrete, heat emergency) there were enough cans and bags of food for the fosters so I did not have to schlep and unpack boxes and bags. And there is no NDog to take care of. And I didn't worry about getting fresh food among snacks for the volunteers....just chips/salsa and one southwestern salad. And there is no crisis going on with my Dad or Proggy or KDog or anyone else, I feel pretty peaceful actually. This is what life SHOULD feel like. I am just hoping I am not forgetting something important....my ability to make and follow to-do lists is not what it should be.

Going to make breakfast and start loading up my car.
 
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