Fiera's Diary

[Fiera]

Back to tracking calories and exercise in the app today. Lunch was higher than expected. Lots of fat in those salad kits (dressings, cheese, and toppers). budge for dinner will be only about 500 calories. Felt more energized earlier but clouded up in the last half hour and back to grey skies and dim house.

Been working on a to-do list and doing little easy tasks like rearranging the V and Z payment app bank acct alignments. Kinda realized that having a spare checking acct is really not all it is cracked up to be. Now that my main mom and pop is using a mainstream payments app, I can switch it over from the major bank. Major bank makes me crabby but they do really have better apps/website.

 

[alligatorob]

Back to tracking calories and exercise in the app today. Lunch was higher than expected. Lots of fat in those salad kits (dressings, cheese, and toppers). budge for dinner will be only about 500 calories.

I have found tracking calories to be very important to weight control and loss, it is for me anyway. Not to just stay within limits, but to learn the low and high calorie foods. As you say some salads can be very high calorie. Hope it works for you.

Felt more energized earlier but clouded up in the last half hour and back to grey skies and dim house.

Funny how the weather outside can effect us even indoors. I usually feel better when it's sunny warm is even better. Even if I'm just looking out the window at it.

 

[Cate]

We compost almost all of our food scraps & the rest gets tossed out to the sheep & the wildlife. We have our landfill down to one bag a month. You get used to doing it. I'm glad you have been able to have some relaxation time.

 

[Fiera]

Gah. Completely off the rails. What was it, the weather, the stress attached to trying to organize and take care of so many to do's? The additional piling on of a letter about 2024 enrollment with figures which don't make sense and don't align with what is shown in the online system? Call them, email the employer again...every year something has been jacked up. $400 per month increase? Frustrating yes but the emotional triggering/escalation was so fast and so encompassing...it almost felt like I was looking for a reason to get angry. Even when I walked KDog a second time around 1, there was singing and memories of mom and L, and recognition of conditional limits of relationships since, and resentment around work and the irony of being in the draining/supportive phase which will be followed by the "alone with no one phase" and man that all just got all balled up really quick. But the resentment about the health insurance consuming so much time and unexpected bandwidth requiring quick resolution in a few days so drop everything...well, it was a perfect softball lobbed up to someone who much have needed a target/outlet for stress.

Gah...going away now.

 

[Fiera]

Here's part of it. Doc not understanding msg via portal on heart rate. Realizing it is Nov 7, he asked about getting in year end visit/labs bloodwork so scheduled that to squeeze in next week before Dad. At least made it same day as derm so I can prep medical sonce. Year end enrollment presenting a big issue and now have to research/change plans. Tax planning, year end contributions, tax receipts everywhere to organize. November transport upcoming. Concert tickets unsold and a lot of money I will lose. Proggy needs my help with ancestry research. And getting ready to be my dad's sole caretaker for a week with no backup. Cooking cleaning meds, all of it...when I am clearly already stressed. Need to look for a new car.

I must prioritize. That means some things are not going to get done.

It is more context why I was reflecting on mom, L, KDog, S, and more. Take care of others but nobody to take care of me, Struggling with it. Hoping there will be a renaissance but the older I get the more doubtful I am. I just spend too much time dealing with crud. Maybe I need to do less for the dog rescue.

I could get a PT job to help pay for the medical, but the tax guys tell me it is really not strategic to have wage income. Considering I am not making any non-wage income and my portfolio is tanking, the walls are closing in. And if I chase the obvious reference about walls I will come to house repairs and so am just going to stop.

Not really anything here, just venting aimlessly because I feel so angry.

I mean, you really try to be a good person and responsible, and they raise your insurance 29% without warning. 29%! Eff them, that is unconscionable!

 

[Fiera]

Slept early and most of the night. Feeling more like myself again.

I am dealing with a lot of overwhelm right now. I need a clean, safe, comfortable home from which navigate life. I also have decision fatigue/confusion. I am trying to apply that rule, if it won't matter in 5 years don't give it more than 5 minutes. But it's hard to know in some cases.

Today I had planned to find some pants and an outfit to wear to the fundraiser tomorrow eve. Hopefully more action and less hand-wringing/anger today.

 

[Fiera]

Had a couple of good hours this morning. Continued getting organized, going thru stack of papers on coffee table. Found receipt from big box where I was doubple billed for a gallon of stain; surprisingly was able to get it refunded at big box hardware. Stopped for coffee and a breakfast panini at the urban cafe to just enjoy life and get out of house for a bit. Back home, organizing continued until I got an email back from my old employer confirming the 29% rate increase. It disproportionately impacted my little subsegment (single, HSA) and that is the part that stings the most. It is an allocation exercise decided by someone and could have been stretched out over a number of years to be less concentrated on one group. Considering that I have a decade yet before I become eligible for Medicare, I feel pretty despondent. My property taxes went up dramatically this year also. Everything is harder for a single person when you don't have cost sharing. I retired early, feeling confident, and yet all of these massive increases and inflation have me a bit uneasy. More than that, I feel unequipped to deal with everything that is happening to me.

Assuming that this self doubt is the work of my inner critic, maybe there are some things I can do or say to boost myself back up out of the doldrums and not lose another day of productivity.

I like how my house looks and feels when I reduce clutter. My mind feels like it can breathe and think better. I am trying to break things into what needs immediate attention, what needs to be done for financial/tax, what needs to be done for docs/medical, and what can be done while I am at my Dad's. Every one of the little tasks I am accomplishing makes me feel good right now.

And in spite of Big Fear showing up again, I am going to be OK for now. Just because my financial balloon has let out a little air, doesn't mean that I am about to crash. The more I take care of myself, the less I need to worry about catastrophe. And if I want to get a part time job, I should get a part time job, regardless of what the tax dudes say.

 

[Fiera]

We compost almost all of our food scraps & the rest gets tossed out to the sheep & the wildlife. We have our landfill down to one bag a month. You get used to doing it. I'm glad you have been able to have some relaxation time.

So Cate, do you have a scrap container you keep in your kitchen? My Irish friend had an open bin in the kitchen she dumped a couple of times per week into the pile in the yard. But it was cool there and scraps did not seem to get funky. Am trying to figure out what to use and then I have to take the scraps and dump them in a community bin. It's too much to keep in my small fridge. And it seems counter productive to use bin liners or filters which will ultimately create additional waste.

 

[alligatorob]

So Cate, do you have a scrap container you keep in your kitchen? My Irish friend had an open bin in the kitchen she dumped a couple of times per week into the pile in the yard. But it was cool there and scraps did not seem to get funky. Am trying to figure out what to use and then I have to take the scraps and dump them in a community bin. It's too much to keep in my small fridge. And it seems counter productive to use bin liners or filters which will ultimately create additional waste.

This is what we use. You can get relacement carbon filters for it to control any odors, but we have never replaced the original and it smells fine. Use no liner, so we do have to wash it after dumping. We dump two or three times a week.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00AMNCYNQ/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&th=1

 

[Cate]

We have a plastic container in the kitchen with a lid & we have two compost bins not far from the kitchen. When one fills up we leave it to rot down properly & then use it in our veggie gardens. The one that Rob has looks good, but I just used something we already had. I have one for composting & one for the sheep.

 

[Fiera]

Thanks Rob and Cate for the insight/recommendations! Rob it is good to hear that you don't find that you need to change the filter.

I am discovering a few things I need to ask questions about. Like I cleaned a whole roaster chicken off the carcass yesterday. I put any loose skin/connective material in the compost but the bones in the trash. Not sure that was right but it made sense. Also, what to do with egg yolks? Yes, I admit, I waste egg yolks sometimes, as KDog does not care for them. Wondering if better to just flush or toss these or put them in the compost too? Maybe I will look into carton egg whites...I always was concerned they had added preservatives.

It feels good to be at least *trying* to do something more ecologically friendly.

 

[alligatorob]

I put things like bones and egg yokes in the compost, don't see any reason not to. Been doing it for years. One problem I can imagine is if your dog or other scavengers have access to the compost pile it might attract them. Always keep our compost pile outside of the dog's fenced yard and have not had problems. Although in Florida we used to get the occasional bear in the pile, but bears prefer things like garbage cans and bird feeders... and the occasional small child. Also heavier bones don't decompose rapidly or completely, but having a few old bones in my compost has never bothered me.

I always put our coffee grounds and the coffee filters into the pile, both compost pretty well. Sometimes that's half the volume. Some paper products like used paper towels also.

Not all egg whites in cartons have preservatives, the label should tell you.

It feels good to be at least *trying* to do something more ecologically friendly.

Yep, and I think it is, maybe just a drop in the bucket but still a good thing to do. If you garden it can make a good soil supplement.

 

[Fiera]

Thursday
Early to bed, early to rise.
The sun has come out!
Cleaning Lady day is today. I don't have the usual amount of morning scrambling since I spent some time organizing the house and papers yesterday.
Really happy I spent some time yesterday getting organized. Plan to continue today.
Tonight is the fundraiser. I made peace with the fact I did not go clothes shopping yet. That may be something I can do while I am staying with my Dad. Also I just thought of trying to squeeze in a long overdue visit with IK's daughter. See, getting organized (self care) helps create clarity and opportunity.

 

[Fiera]

Hi Rob, this is for a community collection box. For sure coffee filters are forbidden. I will just have to ask about the bones!

 

[Fiera]

While Cleaning Lady was here, paid taxes, ordered checks, made banking entries. When she left KDog and I took a walk to the collection center. For now, using a small dog food bag which is tougher material and has a zipper seal. Bones are allowed, will do going forward. Strangely fascinating to watch my food waste accumulate. And prioritize what is in the fridge. I actually generate a bit of waste from KDog sometimes not finishing her kibble + turkey and having to toss it out if it sits too long. Twice this week I tossed a mostly full bowl.

I don't seem to have the mental focus this afternoon to get into the taxes or healthcare or rescue or geneaology tasks. Guess I just need to take a break until it is time to get ready for the rescue fundraiser in an hour or so. I'm taking a train so I need to be out the door around 4.

I feel something today, this existential place with the house more tidy, the sun coming thru the windows, and lacking a pressing to-do crisis-of-the-moment. It's like the edge of emotion, like being closer to the truth of what has been pushed aside in order to survive. A short while ago the nwsite randomly showed a comment that S made on a mutual acquaintance's photo. Surprised, I clicked over to her profile to see whether she has changed her privacy settings. Nope. But it did reveal that yesterday was her birthday. I sat with that for a second. Should I send her a goodwill message? But I decided that no, I don't want to initiate any communication with her until I have space and desire to actually talk about the relationship. And frankly I don't miss her. The only thing which really comes up is a feeling of shame when I think of how she is/has probably badmouthed me to other people. But that is on her. I have nothing to be ashamed of, even if she fabricates her own reality.

And honestly, I need the peace and space to myself when I can get it these days. I turned down a chance to see/talk with Jason. I even ignored a text from SB this morning. I put off calling IK's daughter today and going down that rabbit hole. My *me* is desperate to feel something, for release.

It occurred to me today how much there is to be gained in having a life partner. But it is not what I need right now. I don't have time and I very much want to just learn how to be at peace again first. It feels like so long now that I have known peace and freedom. So long since I travelled (esp solo). So long since I was able to write a script of what I want to do this week or next week or next month or next year. Of course, I wouldn't trade away this extra time with KDog and my Dad if I could...it's just...maybe that is why I feel like I am just surviving. I need a place where I can get away from everything dogging me and just be present and alive. I *get* that we are supposed to be able to create that feeling of peace in meditation, but oh to meditate on a mountaintop or overlooking the ocean or such...in a new and different place...that is what my soul really needs.

 

[Fiera]

Friday

it was nice to wake up to an email that my concert tickets had sold. I was starting to fret it and dropped the price a bit but they were still somewhat pricey. I made the majority of my money back and am at peace with that.

I had a good time at the fundraiser. It really was not so much a fundraiser as it was a gathering of J's collection of people from work and daily life. I ended up chatting with Bob for 2 hours then Pixy who showed up just for an hour. I also ended up winning 2 silent auctions, one which I bid on as a dare and was sure Bob would outbid me...but he didn't. The money is for charity but still more than I planned to spend. Oops. Thats what I get for drinking and bidding...

I drive out to my dad's later. Proggy hit me up about getting together this weekend and I just told him I have a lot going on and maybe we could just meet for a couple of hours for a hike or something. I am moderately freaking out over everything I need to do it the next couple of weeks, even though organizing has helped.

**********

So the compartmentalized emotions got their breathing space once I was on the train platform. I thought about the moment in 2008 when I stood on the overpass and watched the motion of trains and traffic while I was in a very similar headspace from taking care of my hubby, the feeling of being stuck in place while everyone else was hurrying on with their lives, moving to and fro, zipping out to the airport while I was in a very stagnant place. I loved my husband but the burden of caring for him financially and emotionally for years was further oppressed by his recent illness and uncertain recovery. And so I just cried with soul sickness...and not long after that woke up to the idea that my life would be easier/better with a capable partner. He recovered from the illness but slipped into a dark place of depression and addiction. 8 months later found myself running through a park in Munich, running running running away from a life which would not hold me any more.

I remembered the trip back from the attorney's office when the train stopped across from the club where our split had played out publicly in real time over months. It was connected to our past, and should have filled me with sadness. But I felt nothing. The very tiniest period at the end of a long sentence. I felt only dead quiet, in a cocoon, having done the necessary deed but feeling no joy nor sorrow, just an absence of feeling.

And I remembered the day that L moved out. It was a fairly businesslike and brisk process until the last box was out. Then he turned to me by the front door and bent down to give me a hug goodbye. And he started blubbering. I hugged him back but the same lack of emotion was present. I could not empathize, I could not grieve, all of my grieving was either already past or suppressed. So I just hugged him back and dispassionately watched a broken man walk out the door, and locked it behind him, and felt a sense of balanced peace.

But sitting on that platform looking at it from 15 years on, I saw that man in that moment and felt a tremendous amount of grief for the pain that he must have been in. And for the months and years that followed. And for the walls I had to keep up to avoid being pulled in again as his life caretaker. And the fact that I never got to this point while he was still alive, where I could look him in the eye and hold his hand and tell him I am sorry for all the pain he went through. Tell him how happy I was for all the good times we shared and how effing sad I was when I got to the place where I had to accept that our relationship was not serving me in ways I deserved.

I had silent tears squirting out of the corners of my eyes the entire train ride, and put Ladytron on my headphones to listen to and just be in my own little bubble. I shook it off as I went into the gathering and got myself a drink to chill out my nerves.

I think it all showed up because I still grieve my marriage, the loss of my best friend and partner. And because I am feeling like I am in an existentially similar place right now, while I juggle my life while caretaking for KDog and my Dad. It is a reminder that we all have limits, and when caretaking becomes all consuming eventually one is going to break. It is a reminder to cherish and remain in gratitude for all the good times, and to dig deep for perspective. To practice grace and peace even when emotions are triggering and difficult. When I am in such difficult times I become task focused because that is how I navigate life and survive - via check list. And I desperately crave the kind of autonomy and freedom of unstructured time and adventure without lists or to do's, because that is when I feel like I am able to be true to myself and my thoughts and feelings.

But as they say, the beauty is in the journey itself. To not be present because one constantly bottles up emotions to simply cope, is missing out on so much.

I really appreciate the reminder, Universe. See what happens when I make space for myself...the magic starts showing up.

 

[Fiera]

Saturday

Yesterday was a good day. CB in the AM and walkies with KDog in the sunshine before heading out to Dad's. Went over the details for my upcoming stay. We have truly moved from the realm of companionship to caregiver. Everything from medication management, to bathing assistance, to dressing and putting on compression socks. Plus the dog. I will be busy if I cook all the time. He needs a new coat so I will take him shopping if Peaches hasn't already found one with him.

I reluctantly agreed to stay and go out to dinner with them. After discussion we opted out of the nearby fish fry and instead drove north of the hometown to a bar which offered broiled fish as an option. It was very good and plenty of it, which was cheering. Dad struggled but managed with the walker to get up and down two steps and through a patchy asphalt walkway. I hope he can keep navigating things enough.

We also talked about traveling to Florida at the end of December, assuming that he is not going to get his surgery. It is all about his weight which is a function of fluid/heart failure. He seems to be trying to wear his bipap more and with less crankiness. But still his overall level of cranky is not good.

One of the things we all agree on is we need to make the conversations less about his medical status and more about everyday things. Since we are past the worst of the crisis, we can focus on hockey, football, maybe go to a movie, try to get him out shopping etc. The weather so far has not been too cold, though he won't go take a scooter ride outdoors unless it is a perfect 70 degrees lol. But if it holds I will have good weather for walking his dog.

Peaches has lost a lot of weight due largely to walking the dog and staying active generally. I am really proud of her and impressed. She is in far better shape than either of us. Years ago things were flipped, I was the runner and she was the overweight one. She is obviously doing more with her retirement than I am.

Found a couple of forums surrounding my current vehicle to peruse while I consider investing further or moving on to new.

Am excited to have an unstructured day ahead and the sun is out again (though chilly).

I have to pick dates and arrange a pet sitter if we are driving to FL in late Dec. The only real option is for KDog to go to new sitter, who has no stairs.

Feeling good this morning, thanks Universe for the break.

 

[Fiera]

Sunday

Proggy came up last night and considering that I was up early, I gave him the option to go out early or go out on his own. We ended up picking up seafood pallela for dinner and then watching movies while I drifted off early in the recliner.

I was reading a junk article with people expressing reasons why they are still single. Just posts lifted from rezzit. One person spoke of traumatic childhood and a diagnosis of PTSD in their 40's and working through themselves before they would get in the dating pool. That resonated. I flashed back to my own adolescence and then to the memory of the time freshman year that J was supposed to drive down and pick me up from college for Thanksgiving. I look back on how I handled it, why I didn't call him, maybe I was looking for some evidence of his feelings for me. And when he didn't show up, I took a train, and then a running missed connection and had a meltdown in the train station where a kind-hearted rail worker took me to an office and fed me a sandwich while I waited two hours for the next one. After a long day of travel and my mom picking me up, I arrived home in the mid evening. I proceeded to ring his phone for hours until he picked up. It was another 3 years or so until he was finally out of my life for good. I hung on and on clinging to crumbs.

It was a pattern I would repeat with men...not the ringing phone part but just the hanging on based on dribs and drabs of encouragement. L was the first man I met who showed that he adored me with consistency of word and action over a long period of time. We just fit. And he was emotionally safe and secure for me.

Anyway, I don't feel like I have any sweeping observation to proclaim. I fell back into the same pitfalls after the divorce until AN and W and then Proggy. Well, that is something to recognize. TB is the last man who I accepted crumbs from, and that has been done for a decade now. So I guess I can celebrate some form of personal knowledge and improvement. It is instinctive now, this need for self-protection. It also makes me avoidant of dating because it is exhausting to invest in someone mentally, emotionally, and financially, only to end up with emptiness and wasted time for your efforts.

CB suggested the other day, sort of obliquely, that I reconsider whether Proggy and I should be just friends. But, she caveated, you can have all the things which make good companionship and if attraction is not there...

It's all moot, as long as my life is focused on my Dad's health and KDog's needs as primary drivers. My Dad's weight is ticking again in spite of an increase in diuretic and that may mean his kidneys are not able to keep up. I am worried about the dad-sitting starting next week and what I will do if Peaches is not around and something happens to him. I guess I would manage.

I guess the other thing which came up was that my Dad was the genesis of me learning that it was not Ok to be myself...and I still labor under that today when I am with him. It is easier now to just attribute it to angry old man syndrome, and to keep quiet to keep the peace, but in truth there is still the threat of rejection, even today. I will never be free to be totally myself until he is gone, and I will see what bubbles up at that point.

 

[Fiera]

Nice walk with LG and Proggy today...walked KDog, LG's dog and also the dog she was watching, belonging to AF, who just got married yesterday. First time I have seen LG since SHE got married, in Sicily, a couple of months ago. She also started a new job recently which is a big step up in responsibility, very impressive. Smart girl.

KDog could not quite finish the loop so we took a little short cut back to the car. She went for a walk just now and her leg seemed to give out a few times, but she got better and doggedly got in a half mile around the hood then ate dinner when we got back. Now she is tucked in for the night and I am feeling sleepy myself, although it is only 7PM. These shorter days are not helpful. I need more vitamin D, I think.

As we were walking I was thinking about Larry, my inner critic, and how much talking he does. And then I asked myself, do I have an inner cheerleader? Is there a voice, and what is her name; and why do I assume she is a she? Do other people? Do most people - or typical people - have both? Just musing. A quick search inside myself didn't turn anyone up but I am curious about this and whether she is there, I just don't habitually listen for her because dumba$$ is always talking. Ha.

And is Larry a male because of well..my Dad?

Got my steps in today and a bit extra. Unfortunately dinner was pizza and some chocolate and shortbread cookies I got in an auction basket, I know better...if that stuff is in the house, I eat it.

 

[Fiera]

Monday Monday

Feeling pretty good, had a sleep in after a sleep donut hole.

Much anticipated concert tonight. Smiling cause I actually slept enough that I might be able to stay awake the entire time. lol.

KDog walked .6m before breakfast. She seemed uncomfortable but determined to go get her morning sniffs in the sunshine. She is snoozing now after turning up her nose at her breakfast and some cookies.

There is a lot to do before heading out to my Dad's. Remaining calm and will take things in order. Anxiety is trying to compel me in to action. But anxiety drains my energy and I need my brain today. So, trying out my new french press I won in the auction. Have never had one before. I am struck by how smooth the coffee tastes compared to the grinder. Maybe it is a change in the grind (coarse v fine) but maybe it is the press method, where the grounds actually soak in the water rather than a drip where the water just passes through. It is incredible the difference. Added bonus, no filter. If the cleanup is quick (doubtful) this may become my go-to during the week when Proggy is not here. Will see.

Ramped up construction on the corner house continues. Only 5 years or so, but they seem to have stepped it up in the past 2 weeks. Consequently I am listening to what seems to be a combination of the bobcat tearing up the yard, and a lawnmower. Am sure it will not last long.

Composting/food waste observation continues. The biggest source so far is actually uneaten dog food/turkey mix. Then some lettuce and spinach which went bad, eggshells, egg yolks, and shellfish shells. I did learn that bones are accepted. My methodology needs to adjust, I think I need a bucket or bin in the downstairs freezer that I can fill during a week and then go to compost drop off just once during the week. The container for my kitchen is too big and bulky to take with on a walk or to keep in the upstairs fridge/freezer. And going every couple of days in my car is not reasonable or a smart use of fossil fuel. It will sort itself out. CB warned me to not let it create "more work" at a time when I am dealing with a lot of overwhelm to begin with.

This week I would like to focus on physical sensations, visceral feelings, and mindfulness around self talk. This is *self-care* amidst the chaos.

I investigated briefly last night and one article did reference "inner nurturer" voice, and that most people focus on the inner critic. Nothing about the gender of the critic. I really can't discern a unique inner cheerleader voice. When I think encouraging thoughts or recognize something positive, it just sounds like me, it's not a discernable separate entity...I think that is wonderful. Maybe its just a matter of listening to the internal and not letting the external concerns (like people pleasing) have so much bandwidth. It's insidious and takes space to breathe to even notice these things.