Fiera's Diary

Wednesday

Wow. They are downplaying the effects of the COVID booster but the muscle aches and weakness are real. Assuming it is from the significantly altered spike protein to catch the most prolific variant now in circulation, but dang, it's really a life disruptor. Mostly my arms, shoulders, neck but a little bit in the legs too. Well, it's a good thing I got it when there was not much on my schedule. And of course, the stronger the reaction, the stronger I would have reacted if I had gotten the actual virus so it's a good sign things are working as they should. I think.

The significant snow and ice we received has put me into the conundrum of how to manage the dog ramp and the new concrete this winter. I have been told in no uncertain terms that you cannot use ice melter on concrete the first year. It will be an issue both for today and for the upcoming dog rescue events, Although generally we don't have a lasting snow until close to January and our plans are made accordingly. Am thinking about using mats or runners to cover the sidewalk but it seems like a lot of work and hoping a better option will appear.

Yesterday Jason texted again. I had not responded yet to his Sunday text. This time he further illuminated that he is likely making a quasi permanent move to the area in January for PhD and work. And there was no rush because there will be other chances to get together. I jumped on that and said yes, let's wait, I have so much going on and I would like to be present mentally when we do meet. In truth in need more time to think about what space (if any) there would be for even a renewed acquaintance with him. I suppose it depends in part how much he has grown out of the darkness he used to inhabit, But it seems better to just have the meet he has been asking for, so he can share the things he seems to want to share with me, and get whatever closure he seems to need.

I of course have a lot of things to let go of around the house. I have a trunk and clothes and boot dating back to that era which I seem to have no innate desire to rediscover. Yet, I also haven't dumped everything into a dumpster yet either. Maybe I need to do THAT, to solidly claim who I am TODAY, before meeting with this ghost from my past.

Almost makes me wonder if being fat is kind of a protective layer, a "don't look at me" or "I don't want to feel attraction", because of the attendant feelings.

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In other news, I had another blowout last night involving 2-bite brownies which were left over from the transport. I simply have no self control over snacks left in the house, I got this idea last night that I might need to go to a fat camp in order to break the cycle and get in the habit of only eating meals, just to see what that feels like. KDog however is a clear impediment to that idea.
 
Oh, I got a taker on the cordless drill, she is coming today.
 
Man. I am going to whine here a little. This booster shot is awful. I had a little headache too, now some nausea and facial pain and swollen throat glands. In addition to muscle aches I was describing before. I have done some housework (dishes, laundry, vacuum) but I may just lay down even though I should be taking a walk with KDog.

Brunch was huevos rancheros, tortilla, and one piece of Sunday bacon. I picked up a second piece because it was there and then put it down. Yay.
 
Fiera said:
I got this idea last night that I might need to go to a fat camp in order to break the cycle and get in the habit of only eating meals, just to see what that feels like. KDog however is a clear impediment to that idea.
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Never been to one, but I have given it consideration. Even got some literature and talked to some folks once. It can be hard to get started. When I did my big weight loss I did a kind of kickstart, limiting my calories to no more than 1,200 a day, and no high calorie snacks or anything. I did it right here, if you go back to page 1 of my diary you'll see. I still think back to that when I need to get back on the wagon, it was a great help. Kind of a similar idea but done at home.
Fiera said:
Wow. They are downplaying the effects of the COVID booster but the muscle aches and weakness are real. Assuming it is from the significantly altered spike protein to catch the most prolific variant now in circulation, but dang, it's really a life disruptor. Mostly my arms, shoulders, neck but a little bit in the legs too. Well, it's a good thing I got it when there was not much on my schedule. And of course, the stronger the reaction, the stronger I would have reacted if I had gotten the actual virus so it's a good sign things are working as they should. I think.
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I got the new shot last month, and while my reaction was not as bad as yours it was the worst of any of the Covid shots. You are right I think they are downplaying that to keep people getting the shots. I may give the next one more thought.
Fiera said:
Yesterday Jason texted again.
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You said earlier that you were concerned about seeing him due to weight. As I said I doubt it would make much difference to most people, however I do understand your being concerned. Have you texted him about your weight gain? Not that you need to, but if you did it might put you a bit more at ease. And I doubt he would react as TKH.
 
Ya I am realizing what he wants from me is probably a support /mommy figure anyway. You are right it won't matter. I don't have any intention of getting involved. especially when his texts are enlightening that he is in a period of change,and uncertainty. *Pats self on back* good job Fiera, you have gained wisdom. And thank you Rob! He won't care, it's all in how I think about myself.

Tracked everything today and planned out dinner before eating anything. Going on 5PM, approx 1000 in, burned maybe 45 cals walking KDog. Think I am turning a corner on this stupid booster. Great news is I have not had an appetite for smoking so looking at this as the time to make a push to get entirely clean. May my dad not stress me out too much tomorrow lol...
 
I had a boiled egg and a piece of bacon (protein) around 6:30. I am making an effort to pay attention tonight to what signals are arising and how I am reacting. I know that when I am in a binge I am "brain eating"; that is to say, I am having craving impulses as opposed to genuine tummy hunger. It sounds silly, but every time I notice that my brain starts thinking about food, I am trying to reset my brain by getting in touch with how my feet feel ( or fingers or top of my head, etc).

Also ready for bed early, Like 7:55 early. Combination of booster and spotty sleep last night. Zonking out soon....
 
Fiera said:
I am making an effort to pay attention tonight to what signals are arising and how I am reacting. I know that when I am in a binge I am "brain eating"; that is to say, I am having craving impulses as opposed to genuine tummy hunger. It sounds silly, but every time I notice that my brain starts thinking about food, I am trying to reset my brain by getting in touch with how my feet feel ( or fingers or top of my head, etc).
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If it works for you then its great, not at all silly.

I have spent years trying to fight the battle, and understand it, but so far have not really found many identifiable triggers. Except maybe eating, once I start its really hard to stop, easier to not start. But of course that's not possible, starvation isn't good either.
 
Well, it didn't work, as I ended up eating around 9:30. A cheese stick and a bitof naan bread. Then the same thing again. Then two two-bite brownies. I DID eventually forget to think about my feet etc. I was tired and so more or less ready for bed. Maybe eating dinner later could help. Just need to try try again today. It sucks to give up a good day in the final hour(s) but that is what happens. The brain is clearly sending the signals, not the tummy, I am not sure there is an external trigger, it could be hormone or cortisol levels at night or something. Maybe it's salt. Maybe my body is used to having a full tummy in order to be able to get to sleep. Etc.

I agree with you Rob that it is easier to not eat than to stop once I have started. At least in the evenings. Once I crack, then I can't stop until I feel satiated.

Maybe it is because at night before bed I am sedentary and there really isn't much to distract myself with? Toes!

Practice and learn again today!
 
Oh, even though I had a poor sleep night (up from 3-6) I feel like the booster effects are gone. Busy day today. Kennel, dad doc appt, walk with EF, cook dinner for dad and hang out while Peaches goes to bingo. Bringing KDog with. Glad we did not get more snow last night.

Going to make mushroom omelet for breakfast. I am interested in joining a new community composting effort for food waste but have not determined the best bucket/collection unit. My fridge is small, and it seems like the units with a filter are just creating an additional kind of waste. Meantime, I have to toss some egg yolks.

Need to leave at 10, which gives me a bit over an hour to fuel up. Time to make a pot of coffee and walk KDog...
 
Busy, got home around 10PM. Slept really hard for 7 hours without waking up. Walk with EF was an hour, 3.2 miles, missed a turnoff but really pretty walk on newish trail in the area. Will use again in future, good for jog or bike ride, numerous connector trail options, water areas/bridges, underpass for safety. Thumbs up!

Kennel was quick, loud, and lovely. Special kind of peace on a remote, farm type setting. The owner has been at this for over 30 years and looks to be in his late 60's. I felt a certain peace in that setting, reminiscent of when at Irish Friend's place. There is a simplicity of life which I feel drawn to, even knowing that in reality I would probably feel isolated and bored if that was my everyday. The thought briefly passed through my mind to buy the place when he is ready to retire. When I was younger my fantasy was to have 5 rescue dogs of my own with 5 acres, and a rescue kennel, The reality is, as I learned from staying with Irish Friend, that it is an all consuming way of life...24/7/365. I feel I have to much yet in my life to want to do and see to tie myself down to a remote plot of land taking care of dogs. Campfires and guitars in the American west. But for now, just getting through the days and taking care of my dad and KDog while the Universe still allows me, is enough.

CB this morning, last weeks session was really helpful. This week I was more aware of the gross amounts of negative self talk I carry around with me. And I was able to recognize that many of them are simply ridiculous and immediately correct them. As a result I feel a bit more at peace. CB was so right about mental health leading to better physical health and not the other way around.

I have grown more doubtful about my application for next years' marathon and have decided that if my entry is not selected in the drawing, that I will look for a half marathon which is a much more sensible goal while trying to shed 40-50 pounds.

Yesterday while I was in the hometown with my dad at a doctor's appt, I was contacted by my landscaper. One of the workers was grazed by a car in a hit and run while at my property. They don't hold me accountable and were just calling to let me know what had occurred, the police were there, did I have any video etc. I feel bad about it of course and am glad that the worker will be OK with a few weeks of rest due to injured hip and leg - nothing broken. Still, am pretty sure their laborers are migratory workers or immigrants from Mexico and while they have workers comp, to cover medical expenses, that worker is going to miss some of the final money making weeks of the season. I don't know that worker's comp would provide for lost wages. This morning with KDog I walked around the immediate area to look for a car matching the description and will knock on a few additional neighbors' doors to see if anyone has video. Really all I can do short of getting involved in trying to help financially...not ready to offer to do that as yet.

Last night I had both a cigarette when I got home (was it that late 1/2 cup of coffee Ihad at my dads before driving home?) And also a peanut butter and pretzel extravaganda at close to midnight. No doubt my body felt it was time to eat again. But before that I was experiencing an eruption of skin symptoms that was surely tied to something I ate or drank earlier. Anyway gotta go, but will make a list of everything I consumed for future reference.
 
It was a binge-y afternoon.
I was somewhat listless.
Something triggered my allergies, perhaps coffee or ramen soup.
I got the fuckitts out of nowhere in particular.
I ate a lot of bacon.
At least I am not hungry now.
Am having some mood swings. Snap depression.
KDog is extra whiney too.
Not getting much done. Low energy.
I had a good talk with CB today. Inner critic, pants, Jason.
Don't know what went south.
Just came here to see if I could reveal anything.
Nothing is coming.
Ohwell.
 
These days just happen, Fiera. It's when it's day after day after day that it's a concern for me. Try to have a relaxing, quiet day.
 
Sunday:

Feeling a bit better this morning. Yesterday I did not feel well most of the day. I have a message in to my doc. May still be post-booster plus unhealthy lifestyle habits. Only way out is rest and live healthier. But will see what doc has to say about symptoms.

Still have not done laundry as I was too tired yesterday. I don't have a plan on what to wear to small venue concert tonight with Proggy and his friends T&J. It's a lengthy drive and I don't feel like going, especially with the time change it does not even start until 9PM "old time". I know he wants me to be DD so he can drink and he insisted on paying for my ticket. I will manage I just need to take it easy today. It is problematic when you only have a few hours of energy per day and spend them doing things to please someone else.

I enjoyed the change of scenery yesterday using my front room to watch a movie and run my fireplace heater while listing a few items for freebox/sale. Am happy to be getting some momentum in getting rid of things I no longer need or use. Stuff just "needs to go".

Last night there was some commotion out my window at 4AM (5AM old time). Four kids coming home from a night out to a two flat. They went inside the back from the garage and an hour later 3 of them were back on the back porch smoking weed. Never seen them before. I heard it was an Air BNB now so will keep an eye on it. This morning there was an empty large Wendy's drink cup on the pavement but I can't know for sure it was them. Annoying, I am the last person to want video cameras but starting to entertain thoughts.

Not sure why a short email/conversation with AN showed up this morning. Amaybe just feeling a bit more rested allowed me a bit of processing mental space. It has been about a year now since we last met and maybe the time of year has something to do with it.

Hopefully in a few hours I will have showered, done laundry, and found something to wear today. ☺️
 
Oof. Listing more items which must go. Brand new wooden jewelry box I paid over $100 for just sitting here. Took care of that, then decided to tackle the CS collectibles I talked about with CB on Friday. Specifically, stuff that my mom collected/liked and other people also collected/liked. Stuff sitting here in a medium tote in my dining room since Peaches dropped it off 8-10 years ago along with a jumbo tote full of photos etc. Anyway, was delighted to see the tote had my little smurf figurines in a little baggie, mom must have kept them? And was not seeing anything else I felt a connection to until the very last box...which had a limited edition baseball tream figurine dating to 1983. That was very her. So I will keep or sell that and all the rest can go. Looking up the value of items made me realize that most of it is not worth the effort of selling. I had this idea that I would just list the CS as a lot for like $20 and see if any collector wanted them before just tossing...I felt like they meant something to mom I owed it to her to not just chuck them out.

I almost didn't look the CS items individually until I decided to take them out and start photographing for a listing. I flipped though a wall calendar to make sure nothing was hidden inside (money, documents). Then I saw my mom's handwriting and realized/remembered that the wall calendars were not just collected. They hung in her kitchen and she used them to note down appointments, birthdays, outings etc. A glance showed her health deterioration towards the end...stuff written in her regular tight hand maybe earlier and scrawled entries barely legible or added by my Dad. Doctors appointments which she look forward to for a month or two with hope that someone could help her...and crushing disappointments when they hurried her out the door without so much as a word of kindness or encouragement.

What a kick in the stomach that was, just the 10 seconds or so it took to see that. And I closed it and put the calendars in date order and now will just sit while I make a decision...do I want to see what is there? The good and the bad, over 6 or 7 years? Maybe notes of ballgames or mother's day events or whatever? Most likely yes....I think it is worth to wade thru the good as well as the tough times to get unexepected details/refresher on my mom's daily life after I moved out after college. I think I still know the story but there may be some things in there which bring back memories or insights.

I have put the calendars away for now and will save them for a different day this week. The notepads and recipe cards I will simply use up and enjoy thinking of her.

It is a gift, I guess. A reward and also a challenge from the Universe. This stuff cannot be kept, but it can be appreciated...
 
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Proggy called maybe an hour ago. He is going to come up around 3,3:30. I already warned him that I am not scrambling to pick things up. I did finally take a shower and start laundry. Still no idea what to wear. His friends want to meet for a quick drink down the street before the show. As long as it is quick and casual. This is a perfect example of me taking care of other people's needs as what I would like to do is stay home. Peaches had my dad leave a message asking if I am coming out for doc appt Tues. I have a prior commitment for a rescue fundraiser Thurs eve. Boiler guy tomorrow. So that's every other day this week. Am sure to the average person with a job it doesn't seem like much. But it feels heavy when am so low energy.
 
It doesn't sound like a light load to me, Fiera. I hope you enjoy the concert. I nearly always enjoy live music even if on the day I don't have the energy to go.
 
Monday
The concert worked out OK. Simplifying things, Proggy's friends T&J went to the bar earlier, didn't like it, and just met us at the venue early. Easy parking right in front. There was a cozy little side bar where we stayed for 40 minutes or so and then headed into the main venue where we had a reserved table and a good view. A little chit chat then the show started. There was no opener so it was 2 hours and done and then we were on our way home. We stopped at a drive thru and then I passed out when I got to the house. I think Proggy watched tv for a while.

The music was fantastic. Blues guy. Such amazing talent. The bass player was amazing as well. When you are sitting up close and can really observe their hands working and the countless hours spent developing that talent, it is really a joy and a pleasure. Plus the guy has enormous stage presence and is a good storyteller. Would absolutely go see him again.

The boiler guy will be here this morning for maintenance, and Proggy and I will take a walk later. Peaches let me off the hook for coming out Tuesday as long as I come out some time before she leaves for FL. I told her I would let her know today when I will come out.

I am having some bubbling under anxiety about transports after November. I especially don't like that I can't use salt on my new concrete so I am worried about safety. Pixy is overloaded and I am not sure she is thinking clearly. I don't think we took dogs during January last year.

Well, going to get up and take care of KDog's meds so we can get out for a little walk before boiler guy. Also want to pick up around the house a bit and make a plan for the day.
 
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Aw thank you Cate, me too.

Agreed to go out to Dad's Friday, which gives me a couple more days to rest. I will be available by phone if anything important arises during his appt today. This solution also eliminates the need to go all the way out to his house after dermatologist next week.

Proggy had yesterday off. The weather turned out GORGEOUS. Took KDog for a slow walkie in the morning and made breakfast sandwiches at home to save a few bucks. Then at Proggy's suggestion we drove to a botanic garden and wandered around. It was a beautiful day out. We both were not feeling our best so we decided to wait til another day to go guitar and record shopping. Instead we made a quick stop at Storage Store (compost bin research), then to TJ grocery and then home. Worked on Proggy's genealogy, had snacks, and made a fast dinner of mixed seafood and red pasta. My romaine was too brown to make salad. Sad romaine.

Speaking of, yesterday I made my first drop off at the new community compost collection. Just the exercise of learning about the program and selecting a compost bin has made me think a lot more about everything I toss in the trash. I seem to generate a lot a LOT of food waste. Most of it produce. If I think of that in terms of $ I may have a key to reduce WASTE, WEIGHT, And COST all at the same time! And prioritize EATING the GOOD AND THE GREEN before it goes bad, instead of packaged items.

A FRESH PERSPECTIVE. 🙂😆🤣

Oh, yesterday was day 2 of non-smoking. Yay! Having Proggy around and staying busy certainly helped. I slept well last night and feel (at least atm) like I am physically past the main withdrawal part and now just need to not trip up over any cravings or triggers.

So a good day ahead.
 
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