Fiera's Diary

Thursday
Thanks Universe!
Woke up late after a sleep donut hole. At just the right time Nelly asked me if I wanted to meet and help her walk a foster at 11:30. I had an hour to make a mindful breakfast, take a shower, and head out. Had a nice little catch up/walk and went straight from Nelly's to hair appt some ways away. Had enough time for a cup of coffee and then got my hair colored and the undercut refreshed. Feels and looks so much better! Went to TJ grocery on way home. Mindful dinner. Mostly got my 3 miles in.

Observations:

Calorie tracking helped me say no to a PSL, and no to a donut at DD. I had a cup of black coffee and saved my calories for dinner.

I could have easily said no to Nelly's invite. But I said YES and it got me moving AND I had nice company and got half of my miles in hardly noticing.

I had a small but loaded protein breakfast. Was OK through grocery shopping and taking care of dogs. Had cottage cheese and kidney/black beans...turkey roll up (no cheese)...yogurt. App said I still had a lot of calories left...a binge came on...mac and cheese cup....banana with some peanut butter....left over shrimp and spinach from breakfast yesterday. The good thing is with the exercise and paying attention even during the binge, I avoided a blowout. I still made my target for the day. And I think I am done now.

I'm tired. But it feels more like a good-tired, the kind where you have been productive and exerted yourself.

I also got out emails regarding misc. loose ends for next weeks transport. I don't have a vet tech yet. I suspect Border girl is available but wants to see if someone closer will step up. So far, the local vets have been absent for the last 4 transports I think? I may have to recruit another veterinary practice..I know practices are short handed and people are burned out right now...

Alix and JS have coordinated to have their contributions to the next transport to be delivered to me at Saturday's event. Yay. I asked Proggy about volunteering since they are asking for people...we will see..probably as long as we get to do it together.

There is a jack-up with the transport paperwork. Not my problem but Pixy is tied up with work and the Treasurer, who should be on it, seems muddled. HER mom is going thru late life medical issues as well, it is crazy how everyone is dealing with major personal issues. I am grateful for a few days of respite.
 
Friday

Last night I cracked and did late night snacking. That familiar feeling of destroying a "good day" and turning it into a maintnance day. Peanut butter and bread followed by multigrain crisps and feta. Peanut butter is sort of a "power of suggestion" as I use it multiple times per day to give pills to KDog. I will dispense with any self criticism and just use it as a reminder that my vigilance and resolve must increase as the night wears on.

KDog had a terrible night, as did I. I messaged the consulting vet overnight and she agreed to revert back to the gaba+galliprant today and see if that helps. She is unable to get up on her own and limps terribly and is all stiff and clumsy when she does. It could be a reaction to the new med, the absence of the old med, a combination, or a new manifeststion/stage of underlying bone cancer. Last night she could not get up on her own and I knew she had not peed for hours....when I finally got her up with help she staggered towards a nearby bed instead of heading to the front to use the pee pads and then her bladder released all over the bed. This morning she could not get up and pooped in her bed.

Now back on her prior meds, she wants to get up but is in so much pain in her front paw that she can't bear weight on it. I brought her some breakfast and she gobbled it up. She clearly is not mentally checked out at all and wants to still be here. There is a chance it is just a strain so...let time and ma nature sort it out. I am not going to keep her going selfishly and I am not going to put her down immediately. If she is not ambulatory in a day or two I may need to decide whether to take her to a vet (which could be painful) or just have a hospice vet come to the house. There also is another pain med I can try to add if the gaba is not getting it done. Good girl for gobbling up breakfast tho. ❤️ It gives me hope.

Oh, calendar reminder I have CB in 15. Gotta go.
 
Lunch about 475IN. Most of a southwestern salad without the cojita cheese. Cheese was moldy. Just bought the kit yesterday.

Consulting vet wants her xrayed today, fearing an osteo fracture. If it is, a probably will have to let her go at the vet instead of at home.
 
Thanks Cate for the support. ❤️

Thankfully, for now KDog is still with me. The XRays show only a slight change in the stifle and her front leg, which was non weight bearing, is a bit improved with some rest and putting her old medication back. Her back also seems to be hurting but she went out this morning under her own power, with of course close supervision and support. No walk though. She is a trooper.

Went to the rescue reunion yesterday for a couple of hours with Proggy. NDogs family was there so they were able to pre-meet him and already love him. I officially take him over this morning to meet the parents' smaller dog but it should not be an issue. I know I am compartmentalizing my emotions right now. Will be harder later when Proggy is gone and it is just me and KDog. She seemed quite distressed about being left home alone yesterday.

Last night our best veterinary volunteer offered to come to this weeks' transport which was a relief. I had just emailed Pixy that no one had signed up. That immediately took some pressure off and I was finally able to relax for the first time in days.

Went to the Lobster with Proggy last night. Have not set foot in one since childhood and decided to be open to seeing what it was like now. My impression is that they fill you up with salad and biscuits so that they can give you relatively small portions of seafood. Proggy had me try a dragon shrimp and it tasted like factory canned sweet and sour sauce with a bit of siracha in it. Yuck. I don't see any reason to want to go back. I would rather fork out more money and get a really nice piece of fish somewhere else.

Friday night with Proggy here I got into snacks I should not have, and ate some bark thins and tortilla chips with peanut butter. Then last night at the Lobster I overdid it as well. But at least it was only the 2nd meal of the day and breakfast was modest. Today we plan to go hike after I drop NDog off.

EF is having a Halloween party and there is a chance to go there if I am not too tired. I just want to be mindful of how much time I am leaving KDog by herself. She can't come with to EF's unless I leave her in the car...and the journey might be hard on her back. It is better if she rests another day or two and then we can see more clearly where any continuing source of her discomfort seems to be coming from. At least she is sleeping comfortably for the moment.

Sun is coming up later and later now. I woke up at 5 to give KDog her meds. Has been a few sleepless nights so am hoping that tonight we will finally get a normal nights sleep. Tomorrow I will weigh in and start wrapping up details for the transport.

I need to go buy and cook turkey then get ready to take NDog so I will stop here.
 
I'm glad KDog seems a bit more comfortable. My little dog is acting quite peculiar this week with G away & I'm loathe to leave him any more than I have to. It sounds like NDog's rehoming is looking good. Hopefully, you will be able to spend more time with KDog without him.
 
Oh Cate, I hope your dear pup is OK. If only they could talk...

Finally KDog took a little walk around the block late this afternoon. When she tried to trot a bit she limped, but not walking, so perhaps she aggravated her shoulder after all. Her back is doing much better. There was a weirdness this morning with clear mucous discharge which vet says is Ok and just happens once in a blue moon. As of now, she is sleeping after dinner and it feels so much more peaceful.

Adding to that, NDog is with his presumed adopters and it should work out well. He seems to have no hesitation with the couple. their parents, or their parents 3 dogs. Not sure when he will meet the cat.

The reunion was short and a blur since we brought NDog to meet with adopters, I brought canned food to hand to Doug, a leash and documents for JS, I had coats to collect, people to say hi to, gah.

Proggy and I took a curious peek in a large grocery store they don't have where either one of us lives, went by Pan for coffee. Proggy was melancholy, not just NDog but a lot of things. We stopped by E preserve on the way back from dropping off NDog for a short walk and sighting of the big deer. What a rack of antlers, gorgeous.

A top veterinary volunteer stuck her hand up in the air for Thursday...immediate relief from that stress. Meantime, we had to take interest from some newbies who are quite light on the kind of clinical experience we are looking for. I think Pixy and I need to get together on a list of preferred qualifications. We need a sr/lead tech and then we can have helpers. These dogs have unknown histories and while they will all see the consulting vet soon, we want to catch anything glaring before they go to foster homes.

I need to put the tablet away and focus on getting stuff done and getting a better nights' sleep tonight.
 
Wednesday

Boy, I have to keep checking what day it is. I really must have depleted myself this weekend. The last couple of days I slept and rested quite a bit. I was not feeling well yesterday. A bit better today.

Yesterday the sun was blazing and it was in the low 70's. My skin minute I step outside. I had some outdoor chores to do, cleaning the A/C coils and putting a couple of bags of dirt in the front bed next to the pavers. It took me a couple of hours, bit by bit, even with a shade hat on.

I was worn out a bit by a number of rescue related topics. New people Pixy recruited joining in. We will have a big bunch. A request by a couple to bend protocols to get their pre-selected dog home. A super green foster asking questions which made me uncomfortable to send a dog home with him fresh from transport. Thankfully our best vet tech will be here and get a good look over the dogs prior to sending them home with anyone.

Plus photos and messages from NDog's foster parents and DDog's adopters. All welcome but just a constant activity level all day. By evening, when I really was not feeling well (possibly chocolate and not eating well generally) I talked tearly with Proggy and then just sunk into the couch. Eventually I printed off intake forms and pre-populated the medical forms.

I still have not put together the request list for volunteers to bring to the meet the transport though I have most of what we need. Maybe some baby food and bananas is all. I think I have have numerous extra water gallons, but around Noon I will go down and start getting things organized. I also have a boatload of laundry to do - need to do - to get it out of the basement and be sure that I have something that fits to wear. I need to buy ice, snacks, and drinks, as we are almost entirely depleted.

In the margins, I have had the joy of KDog taking daily walks, and a coup,e of times more than 1 walk in a day. She likes the weather. I like it too (except blazing sun yesterday). The leaves are turning and the colors are enjoyable. Folks have their Halloween decorations out, and it is cheering to see their spirit.

My house feels a bit more under control without NDog here. He was not much trouble, but it is less food, less walking, less poop bags, fewer toys, etc. His crate I have not packed up yet in case I end up keeping a dog overnight. I got the extra boxes out of the garage for the foster coat collections, and need to sort the coats and also put the mats down in the basement for the dog washing station. But the house does seem overall less cluttered.

Tomorrow is Cleaning Lady day too, I almost forgot. Darn. Even more reason I need to get on with chores around here and get the place picked up.

I still need to pay bills and get my cash accounts reconciled. And pay the gutter guy. Gah. OK I am really far behind. And it has been days since I talked to my Dad. I guess I will call him now. While I start a load of laundry.
 
Well, started around 11, dishes, laundry, lunch, dad call, supply inventory, email to troops re supplies, still a ways to go, final paperwork. Might do everything except the grocery shopping today. Need a rest. Throat and tongue a bit swollen. All I ate so far today was egg salad on thin 22 grain, applesauce, matcha and black coffee. Plus vitamins and wsr med. Maybe something is kicking up my immune/autoimmune...stress will do that.
 
Just caught up with your diary & I'm exhausted. You have such a crazily busy life, Fiera. Can you cut it down at all?
 
Friday

Another successful transport, though not without some bumps. One dog chewed her wooden crate and we were concerned that she could have consumed some. Luckily all small fragments and no significant damage to teeth and gums. She didn't eat much either, but she is doing well this morning in foster. One dog wouldn't pee for hours. One dog has a (possible long term) toe dislocation. That same dog is going to present some challenges for placement, as the wrong description was posted online and he was a total predator in small dog testing. He is a big high energy boy too. We sent him to a foster who has 5 other dogs and room to run, but that is only for a short time. We will have to look at options to place him where he will have tons of room to run and burn off his curious energy. Lovely boy though.

Once again I am dissatisfied with my own role. Last time we were a little short on food so I bought lots of snacks, salads etc and we had the usual pizza. Hardly anything was consumed. It's a lot of work and money to shop up front, then get home from the transport and rush up and downstairs to put food old only for no one to eat it, and then have cleanup. And all the leftovers. Feast and famine in the rescue business I know. Also, I spent too much time helping feed the dogs, which I don't usually do. Part of that was we had too many newbies, and we had the small dog in house for testing, which was creating some chaos. I feel like hours go by and I don't have a single conversation where I really connect with the person. That is just NOt the way to motivate people to keep coming back. People care more about being seen than whether or not I had enough guacamole. Sigh. I am following a lifetime of bad social habits, being more task-oriented and people pleasing than genuinely connecting. I feel it and I really feel some shame around it. Will discuss with CB.
 
Cate said:
Just caught up with your diary & I'm exhausted. You have such a crazily busy life, Fiera. Can you cut it down at all?
Click to expand...
The truth is I don't feel like I am doing *nearly enough* by my own expectations. Your comment however, combined with my convo with CB this morning led to some pretty good introspection. My expectations, my priorities, my frame of reference need some resetting.

I told CB I *know* that I need a vacation. "What does that feel like to you?", she queried. I told her about the night, I think it was a Saturday night, where for the first time in months I knew my Dad was in a stable place and looked after for the evening, and Proggy had plans with friends, and I finally shut my phone off for a coup,e of hours. So it feels like freedom to be present and alone with myself, to have time to truly detach and decompress, and be able to gain perspective on my life without constantly being under the pressure of taking care of other people. Wants instead of shoulds. Self care. Later on I said "It feels like pottery class." So simple. Just you and your hands on clay and a spinning wheel. The outside world is completely shut out, and your concentration is all on the present moment.

There is house clutter and there is life clutter. There are things I can and need to do to simplify. The OTHER half of the equation is to - FFS - stop letting my inner critic take the wheel! I knew I was feeling shame and disheartened about another event where I was so task oriented and not focused on enjoying the people, the dogs, the MOMENT. Why? Because I didn't do this, or I need to do that, and then there are layers upon layers of expectation and shame around my house and my social skills.

I was dragging my feet on the thank you email because it is more complicated than it sounds. Adding the new people, making sure I have captured all the participants, creating the shared photo folder, and rewriting the messaging just enough to keep it interesting. After my call with CB, I got it done, I then called one of the regular uber volunteers to explain what was going on at the transport yesterday and why I thought the usually friendly dock workers were keeping a distance and declining our usual offers of snacks. She said she was really glad that I called and we talked for almost 40 minutes. I have a few others I will also drop private notes to. Not because I *should*, but because I care and am grateful for them.

I think I am going to suggest to Proggy that he not come this weekend and we can do a trail hike down by his house tomorrow. If that resonates. I would enjoy some quiet time to collect myself and regenerate.
 
Sunday
Hangover day.
oh boy...
Proggy came up yesterday afternoon. In the late morning I winterized the A/C units, using the leaf blower to get the rainwater out as much as possible, on a ladder, then painstakingly putting on covers and straps. Shut the spigot off and put the hose away. Those things attended, I need to put tape seals around windows and the house will be about as ready for winter as I can make it, absent major repairs.

We took a 3.5 mile hike, starting at *star woods and heading north. There are still some pretty fall colors, though many trees have lost their leaves. The afternoon was grey, cool and damp, typical fall weather. Possibly the last time I will get away with hiking in shorts this year.

For dinner, we tried an Italian place a couple of miles west. Food was tasty, but the portion sizes were small for the price. I feel sorry for restauranteurs these days, inflation in both food costs and labor shortages have put them in a position of having to raise prices to levels which just don't make sense for people like me, and I dine out less often.

After dinner I bought and cooked turkey for KDog, took a quick shower, then we headed out to a place which has yummy Belgian beers on tap. We used a ride service because I wanted to drink and blow off some steam. It worked, but a bit too well, and the high alcohol content hit me in a hurry. I ended up getting sick after we got home, lovely. We had fun though. It was nice to laugh and just be free from responsibilities.

I did not end up sleeping well however, and between that and being hung over, today has been pretty basic. Took KDog for her morning walk, then eventually Proggy and I went out for breakfast at the horseshoe cafe. Another shockingly priced meal. Plus tips. I don't fault them, but this is why when I do restaurant food these days, I usually just pick up take out. It is unaffordable.

As I noted to Proggy last night, at least my work with the nonprofit is a high enough level of responsibility that I can list it on a resume, like job experience. It seems silly to unretire, and I don't want a full time job, but it would be nice to bring a little extra spending cash in.

Also, I need to start giving serious thought to whether to replace my vehicle and what with.

Will probably have a quiet evening on the couch and work on my to-do list. And cuddle with KDog. She seems out of sorts today. The past few days have been a bit hard on her.
 
Oh yeah...this incident happened when we crossed the street to go to the bar. I shut down a panhandler - "no" 3 times - and then got called a racist. Boy was that upsetting. Proggy was upset about it too.
 
Monday morning.

Yep that is still disturbing. I have turned it over and over to see if there could be a legit interpretation, some kind of privileged blindness, in the way I reacted to that panhandler. I really don't think so. She was moving towards us and calling out to us aggressively and commandingly and she got a blunt "no. no. no. in response. If she had approached us kindly she might have been received differently. My response was to a threat of her aggressiveness and size, not her race. It all happened in an instant anyway, on a dark and fairly empty street, and was totally not expected. I am still upset that her reaction was to call me a racist. Screw that. It's not OK to sling that kind of label at someone just because they won't hand you money. Still upsetting but moving on...

Getting my schedule together now for the next few weeks. Planning for annual meeting with financial advisor and preparing to be at my Dad's for a week, including Thanksgiving. Feels good to sit quietly this morning and just pull myself together. I am not sleeping great still, donut holes causing me to be in "bed" for 10 hours to get 7 or 8 hours of sleep. Still I am grateful that I don't have to get up to an alarm clock. My body is still recovering from the 5 weeks of crisis during my Dad's medical episode. And I guess my mind too.

Proggy and I talked during our walk Saturday and somehow got on the track of being emotionally walled up and depression in our life histories. He talked about his family, and I talked about L, the divorce, my dad, Peaches, and L's death when the walls I had been holding in place came crashing down. He understood how I had to wall off my feelings for him, for anyone who won't or can't make the leap to taking care of themselves as a responsible adult. He had been thru the same with an ex. I kind of walked thru the series of men I had dated and how they all had that in common...a youthfulness and energy and creativity but that they all somehow were not able or willing to be independent. And then how TB came along and I thought he was everything I wanted...and how I accepted his hot and cold behavior for a time, thinking it was just his process, accepting his excuses and lies, and never dreaming that he was secretly seeing other people. How it took a long time but I finally realized that I needed to have different priorities when picking someone to date. I think we both get that we are each others' type of people in one way, and just not in other important ways. But I take some comfort in knowing that I have a good friend in him, and that will play out however it does in the end. I don't really miss the physical parts of a relationship, it is probably a manifestation of being out of shape, overweight, and living inside of my head instead of in my body. I also don't miss the anxiety of being in an insecure relationship, which is where things had gotten to with AN. As time passes I still feel like trying to have contact with him - or S - or BG - they are all still white hot pokers that I just can't go near. Good friendships gone toxic.

I am glad that I have a community now, the rescue community, which provides easy, healthy companionship without expectations.
 
I am also glad that the sun came out. I took KDog with while I picked up her med refills from the vet and warehouse store, filled up the gas tank, then went for a nice mile walk in the forest preserve. The remaining leaves were glowing and KDog really enjoyed it. On the way home I got my annual PSL tall, no whip (~260) and spinach-feta-egg white wrap (290). I had a lite yogurt (80) for breakfast.

On track for the first calorie conscious day in a while. (630 IN) and that leaves room for about 550 for dinner. Thinking seafood mix tacos or huevos rancheros. Plus I have time and sun to go get another walk in.

Jason texted me while I was out walking. He will be in town next week and am I interested in getting coffee or something. I am too ashamed of my weight to get together with him. How great must my shame be to put that as more important than actually seeing someone who was such an important part of my past. And yet, I had an experience once where a guy I had dated (TKH) when I was in my early 20's looked me up 10 years later and we chatted online. I was honest that I had put on a bunch of weight and changed my hair color. He did not believe me and asked for a photo to see what I looked like. It was the truth so I sent it. I figured he was either going to not care or he would simply not be interested. I did NOT expect him to ghost me without a single further word. This was back before ghosting was even a thing. His loss, not mine, and I understood it, just the way that I understood TB's discomfort when I started putting on a few pounds.

TRIGGER WARNING - Body Shaming: Directed at myself. I am sorry to say it (especially on this website) but fat, unfit people who don't take care of themselves are off putting to the large majority. Just as taking care of grooming, teeth, clothing is just sort of a common expectation to meet minimum social desirability. I feel I am NONE of those things right now. And what is the point of going thru another TKH experience? When I was once someone who DID have all that together, and that sparkly special person is who they remember? Why have something like that sour the memories? And yet, I think there are some things he wants to say to me in person, and I might say to him, if the time was right. I need to sit with it. But if it feels this complicated maybe it is just not the right time.

I made a relaxing tea and am sitting down to catch up on bills, finally,
 
Hey Fiera, your post really hit home. I could have said much the same for a lot of my life. I made more friends in the brief times I was lower weight and healthy, and avoided people when I was not. Looking back I am pretty sure that had more to do with my thinking than my weight. Most people don't really care what you weigh, but do care who you are. There are folks like TKH, but that is no loss to you. I suspect had you known about him back when you would have not been so interested.

One way I know this is that I am now much lighter and fitter than I was for years. And surprisingly friends are no easier to make, but honestly sometimes I have more confidence to try. I have also been thinking about it and my friends are a mix of fit and overweight people, I don't discriminate, I think most people don't. But when lacking confidence friends are harder to make.

I hope you are successful with your weight loss. It will certainly make you a healthier person, but not a nicer one. We are who we are.

FYI, after reading a lot of your diary I think you are a lovely person. And so far as that goes it has nothing to do with what you weigh or the color of your hair. My hair color has also changed in recent years, and I didn't have to do a thing to make it happen, LOL.
 
Aw Rob, what a genuinely touching post. I really felt it when you talked about having the confidence to try. The confidence is about more than just weight. It is also not having energy and fitness level and mental acuity to be able to keep up with people. It is having a terrible memory and social awkwardness too. That is the part of the confidence/thinking where I just sort of give up. I'm not the same person I once was and that is really hard. I need to learn to accept that I am good enough...for myself and for people who are worthy of my time. And let people walk away who find me dull and slow these days, lol.

Thank you for saying that you think I am a lovely person, That was genuinely nice to read.
 
I had a snack binge yesterday evening. I like that I went back this morning and put everything in the tracker for accountability and awareness. With the walking yesterday my NET for the day was around maintenance.

Today, getting out of the house was helpful. I got a COVID booster at 10, got a reduced fat turkey bacon for brekkie at 11. Then I got an SOS for food and preventive for a foster switch. The girl lives a ways away but she works about 6 miles from here, close to a TJ and J groceries so I did all that shopping, got a partial bag of leftover dog food out of the kitchen, was back home by 2:30.

Also worked on catching up on bank accts yesterday and today. Mostly there. There are some adjusting entries for the brokerage accounts which are reducing the balances and it is quite distressing. So taking a break.

We had a very weird cold and snowy Halloween. It cleared up but the wind chills are pretty bad and I have not seen many people out and about. TBH, most years I don't want to be bothered and just put a sign on the door which says sorry, no candy. This year, I have some Halloween theme cookies leftover from the transport I will try to give away. If anyone comes and also braves my front stairs with the dog ramp on it.

The movie channel is showing Halloween flicks. I have the faux fireplace heater going and am sitting in the front room for a change of scenery. Something smells a bit funky either the futon ( which has a washable cover ) or KDog (who has anal glands). I think it is the latter.

Getting caught up on a ton of bills/receipts and getting the dog food out of the house has inspired me to list the cordless drill as a freebox item. It has to go, and someone can use it.
 
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