Fiera's Diary

True Dat. I stayed extra and cooked dinner for my dad and walked their dog etc yesterday so Peaches could go look at a car she is interested in. I was not asked to be there this morning when the hospital bed comes and I did not even think about it til I woke up this morning. I am NOT superwoman and I am not going to worry about it. The delivery guy can hopefully handle it and the couch removal.

I slept like the dead again. 8 hours without stirring.

I talked to Proggy for like an hour last night. Then I suddenly got tired and said I gotta go. He started that "was it something I said?" when I legit just ran out of steam and need to get off the phone and go to sleep.

It feels good this morning to wake up better rested. Maybe I will finally get a load of laundry cleaned and the dishwasher emptied. Leaving at 10,
 
Friday
Got the dishes caught up at least. Went out to Dad's and bought dog food on the way. Arrived, rearranged Dad's hospital bed, then took him to doc. Ran errands on way back then Peaches casually asks me what time I am planning to head home because she is going to bingo with her friend. I agreed to stay later because my dog walker was coming but I resent her dumping it on me without advance warning, !y dad was not situated, he could not get from the couch to recliner or reach certain things. Anyway I ended up making dinner for the two of us and repairing his scooter and getting him all situated before leaving around 7P when the football game on. By the time I got home it was 8P and of course I just collapsed. So today I am enjoying alone time, doing chores bit by bit. Catching up on laundry, which includes finding my bed under the various bits and bobs of clean laundry that have assembled there over the weeks. CB this morning. Shame, supportive boundary setting. Sidewalk guy arrived 5 minutes before my scheduled zoom. Said he lost my number but I had texted him my address so it was weird. I had to run and he know specifically my schedule, he sounds like a bit of an eff up. Will see if he follows up. Got wood fired pizza and calamari for lunch, stopping at a grocery for turkey, bread, peanut butter.

Had considered going to a botanical garden today but it went from sun to overcast to light rain. So staying in. Now that KWalker has finished up with NDog and dropped him off, I really feel like day drinking. Just to blow off some steam and feel less tired, I am tired of feeling tired.

My baseball team sent me an app for 2024 season tickets. It makes no sense for me if my dad will be around but part of me says just do it. I have always wanted to. Life just seems too uncertain. Maybe it will be better to take 1/2 of that amount and use it to go to games of my choosing as they come up.

Oh boy. I need to catch up on banking too, no idea what I have in my day to day spending accounts right now and I just paid some bills. Gah. It's almost time to do tax planning I have not even finished filing my paper records and receipts away from last year...
 
Somewhere in the middle of the afternoon I stopped in to the bathroom after making a bit of fun with the dogs. A single line of thought suddenly popped into my head which was unexpected and caught me off guard. It feels too hard to keep going. It did not linger but I just take note. It seems like it has been years since life felt too hard. Today in the aftermath of no phone call from the concrete-sealer guy, as I stood in the yard stretching and looking at my peeling windows and cracking masonry, I said aloud "I can't do this" (the house.).."I am not getting it done." Despite my best efforts things are getting worse. I am ashamed to have anyone in the main living area, due to clutter, dog stained carpets, peeling paint and plaster. I have drawers stuffed full of clothes I cannot wear and dozens of items waiting to be sold or given away. I am paying someone to walk a dog even though I am home today and need exercise.

The cork broke off in the bottle of 30 year old Scotch I decided to have a drink of. SO perfectly symbolic of yet another thing which has sat for 10 years and so outlived its usefulness. And today - which is mine - I accomplished almost nothing except tracking down a wood fired pizza and calamari for a treat. I am so drained and yet I talked to Peaches twice and Proggy is going to come over tomorrow and I haven't had a shower since...Wednesday morning? In fact I have had exactly one shower this week. CB says she is concerned that I have not adjusted my expectations for myself and life as I have gotten older, or as my interests have changed. Well, I think our circumstances change but entirely losing my love of music (for example), or eating out of control and not exercising is NOT just a life phase. Losing my energy to explore and LIVE my life is not just something that I should just accept, in my opinion, I don't know.

Anyway, that is just what happened, this single cold dark sentence blew through my mind at an unexpected moment and caught me off guard.

I don't love my circumstances right now. But there may come a time where I wish I had reasons to be this busy.
 
So I stayed up late binge watching a show I found on Thursday. I am not typically in to to tv, but I do like quirky and weird. Finally went to sleep around 1, got up at 8, woken up by the sound of KDog dashing to the pads to go out cause she could not hold it any longer. Her poops squeaked out along the way. Sorry girl.

My gut is swollen again and my back is hurting again. Not surprising. Pizza, crackers, peanut butter with tortilla chips, a cheese stick for good measure...really though, I think I will soon get tired of doing this to myself and maybe that is the best way to change course.

Sleep was of course my friend and I feel a bit better this morning. It is cooler out yet sunny and that bodes well for the day. Still, I am avoiding thinking about to-do's. It is relentless, this business of keeping up a house, a dad, and two dogs. I don't know how people do it.

I perhaps once held the hope that when I had a man in my life again he would be a handy sort and would help me figure out the house stuff. Now the house is so far gone I am ashamed to invite any man anywhere near it, or near my life. No, I have to bootstrap myself out of this mess.

Sometimes I vaguely think that training for another marathon would give me the motivation to get back out there. But I know I have tried signing up for various shorter distances and it doesn't work. I can see how hard it is for my dad to ambulate and I am as much overweight now as he is. Carrying excess weight is not anyone's friend.

Someone was talking about the miracle pen drug O on social. Their huh needs the pen for disabetes and it is out of stock because it is so popular for weight loss. My doc had prescribed it for me to try earlier this year but I was afraid to do it. There have been some people who ended up with really bad stomach emptying disorders which were minor and masked until they went on the drug, Apparently the food stays in your stomach longer and in extreme cases just stops moving. So that scared me off but maybe I should consider it again.

I have a fasting kit sitting here I bought quite some time ago. With my dad keeping me so busy this summer and social engagements there was never a good time. Maybe I will do it this next week, before we get too close to the next import. Sunday is always a good day to start. I will put it on the calendar and see how it looks. I will start with waiting til Noon to eat today (I had a midnight snack last night anyway). I always find that the 5-day is more likely to succeed if I combine it with 18-6 fasting window.

My body will thank me.

Meantime, Proggy will come today and we may head out to a nice dinner later. We need to do something outdoors this afternoon. Maybe a gentle hike.
 
Proggy was having a sluggish time so we agreed I would just go out and take a walk without him and then check in later. I took NDog to the woods and we had a nice 2 mile walk. Took some photos in the dappled sunlight overlooking the river. Saw a coyote (after which I walked with pepper spray in hand). After, stopped and got gas at the warehouse club and then got tacos for a late lunch around 2.

I had felt a bit hangry on the way to the walk but it went away, and I was reminded that cravings generally do pass if you get,your mind on something else.

The walk was lovely, just what I needed. After I got home, I had a nice bath and a shower and got all shaved and shampooed and squeaky clean. It felt good putting on clean comfy clothes. Really good. Weight after shower was 186.4. Not as bad as I was expecting, at least still in the 180's. I can work with that.

Am happy that Proggy begged off in favor of doing a hike together tomorrow. I can just relax tonight. I did call my dad to say hi around 4 and Peaches was heading out for what my dad characterized as 5 hours, and what she said to him when leaving was "a few minutes". Reality is probably in between. She left him some dinner and bolted to have dinner with her brood, which was not on the agenda for the day. I let myself be concerned in that he said that his new continuous meter was reading lower than his finger prick and it said his bs was low. But I will call and check on him in a bit. Until we get a sitter we cannot be with him 24/7 and they have not yet decided what kind of sitter help they want, if any. Even my dad said if it happens, then it was meant to be. I cannot bubble wrap him, and I live 50 miles away. I do plan to have a conversation with Peaches about it though.

Anyway, I feel generally so much better and more at peace, now that I am getting some restorative time to myself. It is often the darkest before dawn and maybe that is true in this case.
 
Also to add, I just got done telling dad the other day that I used to never think I would wan't his condo in FL after he passes but am starting to feel differently about it. Today he says how much money he can get for it if he sells it, in thinking he might not get down there this year. WTF. I told him to wait and see, if by December it looks like he won't get down there then we can look at renting it out. But there are reasons/things there that we don't want people to mess with, Like what exactly dad? Ugh, I don't know where that is coming from...but will have to investigate. He has enough money, it's not a problem, and Proggy and I might use it this winter. I really need to understand where this is coming from.
 
Sunday

Morning. Sun has peeked out and is expected to go in and out of clouds all day. I woke up to marathon coverage in Chicago after seeing Berlin maybe two weeks ago. I love seeing it and relating to my experiences in earlier days. I love seeing the elites who are absolute marvels, a fave being Eluid Kipchoge. I might be able to run-walk another one some day if I set my mind to it. But training dominated my entire life as a very slow, overweight back-of-the-packer. My knees and stabilizer muscles required additional PT and massage. It was expensive and time consuming. It would be such a great goal but would it be worth it?

Maybe it appeals to me because it is such a concrete goal. You point yourself at it and do what the coach and PT and MT tell you to and you do the hard work and make adjustments and you get there. I don't have a goal right now. Or where I do, the plan for how to get there is murky at best. Like the stuff with the house. If I had a trusted coach and professionals and a clear plan I could execute would I be done by now?

The dog stuff is filling a void and it was a goal but now it is stuck because it is not clear that I should spend money to invest in improvements directly tied to that. It may not be a long term thing. Ugh. And I feel a visceral sensation rise up, the muddle around that, and I am going to just leave it sit there.

I just realized that it is Sunday, and meditation group starts shortly, so going to go log into that and get my awareness on.

It feels so darn good though to be having a third day of "my" life in a row.
 
Fiera said:
Morning. Sun has peeked out and is expected to go in and out of clouds all day.
Click to expand...
Good morning to you! It will be sunny and warm here today, but the sun is still hiding behind the mountain. You can see the sun shining on the Promontory mountains about 40 miles to our west a good 2 hours before it hits our house. We are in a kind of morning shadow here, sun hides behind the much closer Wasatch mountains.
Fiera said:
But training dominated my entire life as a very slow, overweight back-of-the-packer. My knees and stabilizer muscles required additional PT and massage. It was expensive and time consuming. It would be such a great goal but would it be worth it?
Click to expand...
I am another of those who was a "slow overweight back-of-the-packer" most of my life. I'd say yes, it is worth it!
Fiera said:
Maybe it appeals to me because it is such a concrete goal. You point yourself at it and do what the coach and PT and MT tell you to and you do the hard work and make adjustments and you get there. I don't have a goal right now. Or where I do, the plan for how to get there is murky at best. Like the stuff with the house. If I had a trusted coach and professionals and a clear plan I could execute would I be done by now?
Click to expand...
For me my only workout goal is to show up, if I do that most days I kind of like the exercises. I know goals can be important for many people. I believe the best exercise it the exercise you can keep doing. For me having a trainer or physical therapist helps, provides some structure.
 
Hi Rob, well I had a nice hike today with Proggy, that for sure is something I can keep doing. Just need to make it a priority. Now that the weather is cooler and overcast it is a lot easier to just grab some water and head out.

Feeling a calming shift. Took walks the last two days and started a 5-day FMD today. Made it to meditation group this morning. Physically more relaxed, a side effect of the fasting and exercise. First time I saw Proggy in 4 weeks. Short but nice.
 
Monday

R3D2 of 5 day FMD. Really bad gas last night/this morning. Lower back/abdominal ache. The FMD contains ingredients which I would not necessarily eat on my own, including processed foods. Usually it is not this bad but as my gut already felt inflamed it perhaps added some fuel to fire. Hopefully today will be better. Am having some herbal tea now and expect the warm water will help. Feeling a bit tired also.

Have been having some pain in both hips at night. Maybe because I have outgrown my clothes. Will have to see if it improves in time.

Just took KDog for morning walkie. It is cool and crisp, ideal conditions for her...and for me. Leaving at 9:30 for Dad's. Kidney doc appt at 11:30. I almost screwed up and planned to leave here at 10:30, good thing I was typing about it. Need to get in shower momentarily.

Still feeling at peace after 3 days off plus being on the FMD. It is really difficult to get off the binge/uncontrolled eating roller coaster. The FMD is like flipping a switch. I won't say that cravings are gone, but they are mostly gone, and manageable.

Ok gotta go.
 
Dad was moving around better today, able to walk a bit more w the walker. We went to lunch after his kidney doc appt, I had a cup of black coffee and some olives from my FMD kit, and made a packet of the soup when we got back to their house. Helped Dad check his financial software balances and they look OK. Peaches asked me to sit w my Dad for Thanksgiving, and now she wants to add extra time on so she can drive down instead of fly. I thought she would fly down for 5 days or so. I gave her a week and a day and she is pouty about it. Suddenly now she maybe wants to fly after all. I guess I had better get my plans line up for XMas and NY or she will be grabbing all of it when Proggy is going to have time off. I can't be upset but really it is extraordinary. Then when I pointed out to her that she has been angling to have my Dad's knee surgery around then, she got really upset. I told her we will figure it out, but honestly I don't know what to do. I went there today and was shocked to walk in and see her Grandaughter K and her baby. I guess her granddaughter A and son stayed over Saturday night. I didn't know anything about it and just casually told my dad that I didn't know anyone was staying with them. He said he didn't know either, he got told at the last minute.

I need to keep an eye on this situation because it is still his house, but it is her home too. He made some remark about Peaches had better not be trying to move one of them in. She didn't say that was not on anyone's radar. She just said that none of them were old enough for the minimum age to move into that community. Hm. Well, we will see what we see. It was obnoxious and loud and my Dad and Peaches were trying to have two separate conversations at me the minute I walked in while K were chattering away without taking a breath. Help us. I almost wish she would just leave, but I don't really mean that. I just UGH! sometirmes...it is always sensory overload with that clan.

Well, I made it home, had my paltry FMD dinner, and am now resting. My muscles feel looser and my abdomen feels less swollen. I did not have the energy to take a walk. Tomorrow is the video interview with NDog's prospective family. The neighbor is blasting music, but it has been a while so I can't complain. I was interested in getting some episodes of an old weekly show set in Alaska I used to watch with my mom. Problem is, the streaming prices are ridiculous. They want $20 per season. You can buy the entire series on DVD for $31. I am getting really tired of all the price gouging and inflation. I have been loose with the cash lately while my dad was sick and I was in survival mode but I need to get a handle on it again soon.

I am not happy with my portfolio performance either.
 
Tuesday

I dropped out of my fast at 8PM last night. Visions of mac and cheese and hot dogs calling from my freezer won out. I was fighting a headache and brain-cravings. I did try some things...wait 10 minutes, focus on other things, drink herbal tea...finally I decided (under duress) that I still got good benefit from 2 days and I didn't need to torment myself. It was OK to quit. So I did. And honestly I don't feel bad or guilty about it, the reset is still helping me make healthier choices today. My gut did not like the cheese however, or maybe it was the peanut butter.

I contacted the company which sells the fast to see if I could order just D1 and D2. In the past they said no to people publicly and I didn't expect much. I also had terrible experiences with their CS previously and many reported the same. To my surprise they got back to me almost immediately, said yes, and shipped the replacements to me free of charge. So I am happy I will have another chance to try again without dropping the very hefty cost.

Also, getting organized today and feeling better about demands on my time. I reached out to Peaches and offered to drive out tomorrow afternoon/eve to keep him company and make dinner while she goes to bingo. I said I was happy to get on a schedule. We talked about the challenges of finding an as-needed caregiver aide. Also her plans for Thanksgiving and the timimng of his knee surgery, and the possibility he could/should end up in rehab again.

I am concerned about the frequency of how often Peaches is forgetting conversations that we have had. Right now I am chalking it up to stress and being very busy.

I reached out to JFrenchie to solicit a walk but she is working onsite today. Also sent her an email about L's leather jacket I still need to do something with.
 
I have been experiencing some anxiety all day about the video call tonight with NDog's potential adopters. It is about getting a good home for him, and also being so attached to him and giving him up. I don't see any way around it with my Dad's situation and a planned knee replacement or two in his near term future, Still, it is going to be emotionally difficult. I made some relaxing tea and also finally took 1/2 Xanax. About to take the other half. Coming here because I need to let it out in a controlled space. Trying to use my meditation practice and also think about impermanence. There is a ball of grief in my chest right now, leaking out of my eyes. Guess I have been holding it "together" on a number of fronts, and this is one of them. Goodbyes suck.

DDog's owners reached out today which was nice timing. They love him so much and I am so happy that they continue to send updates on him.

Today I worked on my calendar. I ordered the remaining supplies for the next transport. Tomorrow I need to get out an email regarding the next transport. There really isn't time to fall apart. I need to get my bank balances reconciled and winterization projects started. I must acknowledge that if NDog gets adopted then there will be one less complication during November. Life will feel a bit emptier without his sometimes exuberant energy. But perhaps it will make room for some untapped joy of my own.
 
Well, the call with NDog potential adopters went quite well. The only area which needs further exploration is the couple will start a family in a few years and I am really not sold that he will be OK with them. I am going to talk to a few people in the network about his behaviors so far and then I will talk agai with the couple. I do feel like they are very aware about teaching the kids how to interact with the dog, as the girl grew up in that type of household. We talked about it at length. Plus NDog will have a couple of years to settle and learn how to be a pet and I am sure will continue to blossom. It is a very promising home.

Of course this makes me feel a lot better. But the anxiety in my body has not entirely lifted even though my mind is at ease. I will feel better in the morning. Snacking like crazy now and went and bought another pack of cigarettes. Having one did nothing for me...
 
It sounds like the potential adopters of NDog have thought this through well & it sounds like he will be well cared for. It must be hard to let go but that is always the intention I think. You do a great job, Fiera :)
 
Thank you Cate! And the woman I spoke with who is one of the foster coordinators and is very familiar with both the "expecting a baby" classes and any issues really feels like he will be fine. He has a few years to settle and should be 7 or 8 by then, so more mature. Hopefully when I talk with them today it will be a green light for everyone. If they don't take him, I may cave and adopt him myself lol.

KDog was up for a nice long walk (for her - almost a mile). It is overcast with occasional light showers. I received a notice from Pixy that at least some of the bags/cans of food are arriving today, per Chewdog. I have imperfect sightlines to delivery updates since she does the ordering. She logged in too late to adjust the autoship since she is so slammed and so my supplies room is going to be packed to the gills. We really need a partnership with a local pets store where I can just pick the stuff up and get rid of all the shipping boxes...but need to find out who does bulk.

Cleaning Lady comes today...am eating breakfast and trying to pick up before she arrives. My plan is to take NDog for a good walk and then reintroduce them. The days she comes are always a big rush in the morning even when I have tried to pick up the night before. I have too much stuff in my house.
 
NDog Outdoors Cleaning Lady /walk

Errands w NDog
-Drugstore
-Bank
-Forest Preserve BH/river walk, quiet, alone, light sprinkles, serene! Squirrels
-Warehouse gas and script for KDog
-WF A return
-Grocery turkey and toothpaste

Home
-Cleaning lady chat, NDog again
-4 heavy Chewdog boxes brought in
-Rescue Emails-Foster coat returns, reunion
-Peaches - Dad, dinner, tonight, tomorrow
-Cook turkey
-Turkey burger w avocado for me
-KDog trim a few nails
-Black Widow on tv

Am tired. Still have to shower and head to Dad's in an hour.
 
Yay, my dad's hockey team had a preseason game so we had that on instead of football. I got some papers organized. Came home to 2 more delivery boxes on porch. Talked to Proggy on way home, After a too long pause I heard from NDog's potential adopters, the hubby got COVID and the wife is working, but we will talk tmrw. She asked for photos (a positive sign) and I sent a few. Got a couple more email responses out re foster coats. Paid a speeding camera ticket. Never did get a shower. Ready to fall aslleep to an old noir flick.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top