Fiera's Diary

Thank you Cate.

Talked with CB. Got the email out the volunteers about the 28th and paid the landscaper, sending a separate apology note. Followed up on details surrounding Dad's bipap mask and also his bloodwork today.

Walked KDog only, brushed NDog in the yard for a bit, got back to the community association about a proposed use and layout for a reworked chain store on an arterial street. I used to be on the zoning committee but it has been too difficult to prioritize that and not much new development activity in recent years anyway. Talked to Peaches to catch up on some details. Hauled 8 bags of dry dog food (thankfully only 30 pounds) off the front porch and around to the basement and broke down and took out boxes.

I followed up my healthy breakfast with cole slaw and an entire thin crust frozen pizza. And a beer. And some licorice. At least I am not feeling hungry this evening.

I am however sitting on the precipice of emotion. Meaning, there is turbulence I can sense but I have it blocked. It tried to show up while I was walking KDog, but too blocked. I know I have my brother's upcoming milestone bday on my mind; the funeral tomorrow, Dad insisting that he wants to go to doctor on Monday in family car instead of medical transport, and concerns around his safety and ability to do so. Need to get 3 cards for tomorrow and figure out what to wear, but feeling too tired to tackle that tonight. Tried to figure out someone to intake 200 pounds of wet food tomorrow (Pixy overordered) so it doesn't sit in the sun, and I got nothing. It is coming in 2*100 lb boxes which is so dumb. KRwalker will have to take NDog out back when she comes. If it was 40 pounds I would ask her to bring it in. 200 pounds is well beyond the call of duty. I got nothing right now.

I need to get dog food and put some entries in my check register. I need to clean the carpet of all the pee accidents which occurred while I was way. I ordered a new product but it will take 5-7 days to get here. If I had the energy I could go rent the machine from the pet store. I may have to just hire someone, but when will I be home?

My brain is too full of all the details to be restful. I might try to watch a movie just rest and stop all the chatter in my head.
 
OK. Me time. Having a vodka, watching Nomadland. Something about this story always resonates. Maybe the feeling of aloneness, solitude, punctuated by situational relationships, people, circumstances. The community of loners, drifters, following a murky path, yet open to spontaneity and variety. Camradierie of shared experience without the weight of more in depth relationships. Mostly alone by choice, as even the main character Fern has family but finds the expectations to not be compatible with sense of self. Fern learns first to live alone, after the death of her husband and the dissolution of their community. It just feels so...familiar...validating...comforting...minimalist. To peel back any and all expectations, freedom from pleasing others. I am of course aware of the tradeoffs, and maybe the lifestyle would not suit me. But in some kind of fantasy sense maybe it would. I imagine most people fantasized at some point in their lives about walking away from everything (Fern has this thrust upon her, of course, it is not the same) but that is what it would be for me. Yet, generally in life when I came to the potential jumping off point, I turned back. So many things I felt I was not capable of doing alone. Big chicken, I am, really.

ETA: There is also a lot in here about trauma, trauma response, being unable to let people back in or form attachments, about not being able to function after the loss of a loved one, etc. There is a scene where Fern tells Bob why she did not leave Empire after her husband died...I get it...and then he opens up about the suicide loss of his son 5 years ago and can still barely speak the words. I get that too. Powerful film.

"What's remembered, lives."
 
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Oh, that film, that evening is what I needed, I think. I don't wish to glamorize the solitude, but that lifestyle it does have its appeal. There are ways though in which I can lighten up and still inhabit the life that I have. Ridding myself of this albatross of a house has both its good and bad points. The part about not leaving Empire because his memory would die...it puts a fine point on why it is so hard to leave this house. This is still the house in which L and I lived. The house in which a much younger version of me lived. It still contains artifacts and memories of a different life. It is clinging to that relative stability versus creating a new life where you once again have to question everything, where you have to once again confront the very raw essence of solitude and what that utter aloneness feels like. It is a reason I have never come close to leaving this city I live in. Becoming utterly untethered is not perhaps something one would want to do voluntarily. Fern does not of course choose to become untethered, but rather is forced to do so for economic reasons. It is not an act of courage or defiance or self-seeking, as much as sheer survival. But she meets some who have arrived there voluntarily. I don't know, it is just interesting to ponder and at least got my head out of where it was stuck last night.

I woke up at 6, an hour before my alarm, due to falling asleep early. In an hour I will shower, find something to wear, and get on with this taxing day. EF has invited me to join a small group at her house after the service. I will go for a bit, but then I need to go see my dad after. Thankfully KRWalker is coming to look after the pups this afternoon. NDog needs a good walk, I just didn't have it in me yesterday. I have the yard, and we played with toy but it is not the same thing.

Just put some thick bacon in the oven. I will have a piece or two with breakfast and then the leftovers, which will last several days, can go in a fritatta. I have some mushrooms and will maybe add one other ingredient...depending on my mood when I do it.

I just thought about asparagus, and how the summer when by and I never made my grilled asparagus with feta salad. Seems too late now, I don't recall seeing fresh asaparagus in produce recently. When I did see it earlier this summer, the stalks were too skinny to suit grilling. Overall, the grill hasn't been touched in at least a month. Well, perhaps this upcoming week. I used to grill up chicken breasts on the weekend and have them to toss in salads etc all week. Been too busy I guess.

Heard back from about 7-8 volunteers last night, a few firm commits, a few maybe's, one no. Two to meet the transport, two at my house. It will fill in as the date gets closer.

I am hearing from my brother every day with the word game, usually first thing in the morning. He remarked again about how is not sleeping with his shoulder, which is awaiting surgery in 3 weeks. Not sleeping sucks. He is, as I would have expected, almost entirely detached from my dad's situation. He passed along best wishes once, and asked after him once, and I provided unsolicited updates a couple of times. I just have to leave it be, it went pretty well last winter when my brother came to visit my dad and I in FL one weekend, that is probably the best it is ever going to get, and at least we have that memory.

Sun is up. KDog is snoozing under a blanket, NDog is in the front of the house. The smell of bacon (oven) is filling the air. Windows are open. Cool crisp air coming in. Not bad Universe, you have my attention now. Gonna put away the tablet and enjoy the morning before the more difficult part arrives.
 
Universe is again pointing things out to me.
After walking KDog, I let NDog out in the yard while I tidied up the kitchen. NDog started barking and barking at something going on next to the house, so I went out. Handyman/neighbor crazy T (or THustle) was out swapping work equipment out of the minivan. He hailed me, and then asked how I was, so I quickly mentioned my dad, then he filled me in on some goings on. The woman who owns the building passed away. She was probably only in her early 70's. Breast cancer, stage 4. He says she had some sores on her skin and did not go to the doctor, she thought she had shingles. She had other underlying health issues which were not addressed when they could have been, and once she started cancer treatment they were amplified, Such a shame, her grandbaby twins who live in the apartment above are only a year old. Service next weekend, I don't know that I will go but at least I will drop off a card at their house. T was overwhelmed with his wife and young baby and his son who plays college football and her young son, and always always having to hustle for income. His son he says wrecked his car and he is using the wife's for now and it all sounds stressful.

It looks overcast for now; if it stays this way the Universe will have solved the wet dog food problem for me.

I'm stalling. I need to put my foot on the gas and get going.
 
Phew. This day is over. It was a good one. EF I think felt supported, I met (and really liked) her ex-hubby's new wife. Her mom was there, her oldest brother P with his two kids from out of state, and her other brother T with his wife J. Her best friend and her mom. And of course her current hubby. All the support helped her to be there better for her kids and for the current wife too. It was very supportive all around.

I had suspected S might show, and she did, Inappropriately dressed I might add. Our greeting was awkward and distant. At one late point after the service she approached and asked after my dad (she was unaware of his recent health event so I explained what was going on. Then I asked after her dad in return. That was it. EF and hubby had the small family group back at their house and S and I made no attempt to talk. I had to leave rather early to get to my Dad, so I went around the room and said byes and hugs and then called over to her bye S, maybe see you around soon. She looked up from her phone and said bye. I don't have much feeling about it just noting it for later.

It was really good to see and connect with everyone else. Her family group has been like family to me for quite some time, and I feel I cracked the code with T's wife J, which was very satisfying. Turns out she fosters rescue cats and dogs.

I got to my Dad about 6:45. We had a nice visit for 2 hours. I feel like the shorter visits which don't overlap with Peaches are far more satisfying for both of us. I sat on his bed for the last 20 minutes holding hands, talking to him during his nebulizer treatment, remembering some family vacations we took, talking about everything from tattoo's to DNR's. Sometimes it is hard to come up with new material to talk about but it came easily enough tonight. So glad that I was able to be there for him.

Tomorrow morning I get to sleep in. I want to make his favorite tuna macaroni salad and surprise him with it for dinner. I think it is probably OK to bring in an outside mail...even if not, I will make it OK. Plus, he has football to watch tomorrow. The best thing will be if his team is at Noon and I can visit after, I have to check the schedule.
 
That does sound like a really good, satisfying day, Fiera with some nice connections. Hope you do get that sleep in xo
 
Talked with Peaches for a while this morning, as my Dad accidentally put his phone in airplane mode. I see that I need to be out there the next several days in a row to do my part. I felt and feel exhausted with the long drive, I have to admit. I had told myself it didn't matter, that I just need to suck it up, like I did for work when I was younger. It is depleting. Today I am going after football to bring his favorite tuna macaroni salad as a treat. Tomorrow there is a "test drive" to see whether he can be transported to his doc appt in the family car and use his scooter, since he doesn't want to take the medi-cab. Apparently Peaches did not explain to him that he would ride in his wheelchair and he thinks it would be in an ambulance on a gurney. So now I have to drive out there tomorrow while the PT people do their thing AND I have to go out there Tuesday morning to help Peaches "fetch" him rather than just meeting up at the doc office. I really am trying to respect other people and my Dad's desire to do this more independently to try to encourage him, so I am doing it. But ffffffff this is so ridiculous. And then there is a care planning meeting on Weds so I will need to be there again. Anyway, I am feeling tired today. I looked into other options to get there, but a ride service would be approx $150 and the train is not close by and does not run frequently so there is a problem if I miss the return. Not really good alternatives for driving.

It is only 45 minutes when there is no traffic on the road. Tuesday morning will be rush hour and could take over 2 hours to get there. As I can't be late, I may have to leave the house by 6 AM. Which means getting up at 5AM and try to get the dogs to eat something and go out. Maybe I was too quick to tell KWalker I don't need her any more. Well I will see if maybe PAG can stop by.

KDog scared me. Last night she and NDog were all jumpy-excited when I got home around 10PM. A few hours later she tried to stand up to reposition herself in bed and started screaming and laid back down. She did it a few times. I tried to help her but she didn't want it. This morning when I woke up I could see she had turned herself around in the night, but she was not getting up. I checked to see if it was her back, it wasn't. I tried asking her if it was her knee, but she either could not or would not respond to my gentle touch. Perhaps it was just the rain, because she got up later in the morning and did not seem to be struggling more than normal, though she did tire on the walk faster than usual.
...............

Well, I went. I looked again at the train locations and timetables, and the Uber, and just decided to drive and take NDog for company. That was a good decision because he certainly made the entire visit more lively.

He wasn't very interested in the tuna salad. He felt a bit bloated again. I said no worries and I could bring it again tomorrow. Dad has always been super happy when I made my tuna salad for him. Peaches says he told her he was not feeling good. she asked if he was in pain, he said no. He denied feeling sick to his stomach etc. He told me he was feeling cold even though the room was warm. So am a bit worried about his general health now. Yet feeling so tired that maybe I am missing something important. His feet are both swollen, and his knees, and I don't know whether that is gout still or some other process going on.

I am so drained. This is impossible. I am now considering staying at his house Monday night to avoid being late/driving in bad traffic for his appt Tues. But I will have to bring the dogs with, which requires a lot of effort, bringing food, travel crates etc. And I need dog food and I am low on cooked turkey for KDog. I missed the pet store closing time by 20 mins tonight. Too tired to do anything now except pass out. I didn't even shower today.
 
Oh boy did I not sleep well last night. I was in and out and had numerous dreams which involved having to manage something stressful with my dad, or looking for things or chasing things. I had initially woken up at 2 and was up for a while, and then it was just shit of trying to get back to sleep after that. I will blame the piece of chocolate cake and other late snacks for this one. I have about an hour to take care of the dogs and shower etc then hit the road again.
 
Today's practice session getting dad into the SUV went pretty well. The people demomstrated first and then Peaches and I took a turn. He is not strong but I feel like we can do it tomorrow. He did some PT after that and walked about 40 feet with a walker. My heart was elated.

Made phone calls today about getting his scooter repaired. Made sure there is a wheelchair we can use at the doc office we will be at tomorrow.

He had the tuna salad for lunch. It may have been too much for a guy who has been eating a limited diet. So maybe we won't do it again til he asks for it after he comes home. He said it was good though.

Picked up dog food while he took a nap. Problem solved.

Took care of the dogs when I got home then ordered some Mexican food. Steak tacos and guacamole. My go-to was closed so I ordered from another place I had heard good things about. I was disappointed with the food but at least I had some red meat my body was telling me that I needed.

An old film is on TV. I decided to stay home and drive up early in the morning. By meeting Peaches at their house I know the route and there are good alternates; I will ride over together with her to pick up my dad. I can leave the house at 6:30 and it should be more than enough time.

The caregiver firm I contacted earlier this year called while I was with my dad, so it was a chance to introduce the topic simply by him participating in the call. They encouraged us to reapply for veteran benefits. It would certainly solve the cost issue. Peaches has been in a resentful mood the past few days and she needs to accept help when he comes home.

Hopefully a better nights' sleep will come tonight. I feel better. I need to cook turkey, unload the dishwasher, and bring the dog food in. But for now I am just going to lay down and watch this movie.
 
My gosh. Awake at 3:30. Got up at 5, dogs, unload dishwasher, breakfast, shower, out to Dad's house. Jump in car with Peaches, go to rehab, gather dad, get his meds, change his shorts, then get him out into the SUV. The rehab gal had to come out and show myDad to push up off the chair. Hospital, chair, long walk, downhill hallway, Pulmomary doc, uphill, over to same day testing, hour wait, xray, bloodwork, arterial bloodwork, set up pulmonary tests and sleep studylater, McDonald's drive thru, back to rehab, drop off belt, bathroom, find nurse, dad's friend arrived, Peaches and I took off back to the house, got dad's Scooter for repairs, drove home. Dogs again. Beyond tired. Haven't talked much to Proggy lately except to vent and tell him about EF"s Saturday.

Follow ups: Scooter repair. Pulmonary testing and sleep study updates. Too tired to do anything else now. 4PM, might as well be 10PM.
 
There is a moment when you first wake up, look at the time and think to yourself "I SLEPT!" It is exquisite when the next immediate thought is "I don't have to hurry up and run anywhere this morning!" In an earlier life that might have been a long weekend, in more recent times it was almost every day retired life, and today it felt more like a day off work again. Well a morning anyway. I used my evening yesterday to start a new to-do list. Planning for the next several days and next week's transport. Yes, I have chores and errands today and will be running out to see my Dad in a few hours, but I can take things as they come and not feel so frenetic.

Correspondingly, I took out the trash, put oil in the car, straightened up and recycled some materials in the garage, pick up the yard for the lawn service, called my Dad's attorney, returned my financial guy's call, played chewbacca with NDog, gave KDog some eargasms, and brewed a pot of coffee.

Will go to the bank and get gas and drop off my Dad's scooter for repairs on the way out to see him. Still need to inspect scooter to make sure damage is not more extensive than it first appears. He drove his car into it into the garage a couple of weeks before he ended up in the hospital. Pulled in too far. Apparently his friends had also noticed he was "not right" and had even said something, Peaches says since talking with them. No doubt the C02 had been building and no one understood it. He is so darn stubborn he ignores his medical symptoms as they get worse. Reasoning with him never works. It is always difficult to balance his desires (leave me alone) with his medical best interests, but especially so when we didn't know that we were seeing symptoms.

There are some late cicadas rallying this morning to fill the air, after rain yesterday/last night. Finally getting a chance to appreciate the cooler temps and having the windows open and a gentle breeze coming in. I finally had space to have a normal conversation with Proggy yesterday evening as well. All restorative. Thank goodness. I have been living in crisis for a month now. The next challenges will be bring Dad home/home care and the still-planned journey to Florida and lining up caregiving services down there if needed. Locking up papers and valuables is another concern.

I plan to have Proggy help me this weekend with some chores, and I need to clean some urine spots out of the carpet in the den. I was thinking of hiring a service or renting a machine to do the entire room, but it ends up taking too much time time to move everything and let it all dry, so will just spot clean.

Well, that is about all. I tried and failed to fast after 6 last night, but at least my snack was reasonable and I started thinking about intermittent fasting again. It is such a helpful practice for me.
 
Ha ha ha. Peace was so short-lived. The rehab called on my drive out, just after the bank. Dad is going to be discharged Tuesday. Of course we will be happy to see him home, but he is not ready. He is not yet moving around with a walker on his own. Panic started setting in. How will we get him in and out of the house? To the bathroom? What adjustments to we need to make, does he need handrails, a hospital bed? His foot is so swollen he cannot even wear a shoe, he cannot even wear a shoe, and cannot rehab properly. Doesn't that merit medical attention?

I got gas, tested the scooter and took photos, stopped at a seafood place for quick take out, and arrived around 2PM at the rehab. Dad was napping so I went down and requested a meeting with the head of PT. She acknowledge that there is no walker in his room and that he cannot use one unsupervised. I said, why doesn't the staff start walking him to the bathroom? When are you going to start him on stairs? she looked doubtful and like I had serpents coming out of my head. I asked if there was any chance he could be extended and she said no, that there would have to be overwhelming support to try to get a change. It will be what it will be. She did offer that Peaches and I can undergo caregiver training and then also start to accompany him with a walker around the place. But it all seems such a letdown. He is saying he needs a wheelchair to get around the house. His foot hurts too much. So then I tracked down the nurse and recapped my dad's pain and swelling and the gout diagnosis in the hospital. He said he would text the doctor in charge, The doctor mind you sees patients there only once per week. I asked if we were supposed to try to get him to his own doctor? Oh no, not while he is there.

The other thing is that nothing there ever gets communicated if we are not there, so I have no hope that anything changed and I will run out there again this morning. I need his help to complete an application for VA benefits, which he has been turned down for in the past. Home care costs $37.50 and hour on the cheapest plan, and they have a minimum of 12 hours per week.

EXTRA complicating factors is having to coordinate everything with Peaches and finding she is not really processing things appropriately. She is fixated on the fact that my dad is getting urine all over the toilet. She keeps asking him which bathroom and bedroom he wants to use. Meanwhile, I have a transport coming on Thursday. So I have lots of details to manage. Proggy and I are still on for the baseball game Friday, because the season is almost over, but I kind of feel like Peaches has mentally checked out and I am going to have to do far more to get thie house ready than I had planned. I just don't know what yet.

I wish I had kept KRwalker on. I need to think about lining her up for next week.

She knows I have the transport next Thurs and am utterly unavailable. She has a doc appt about 35 miles from her house and wants to do lunch with her SIL. Well, I already said I can't move mine, and she has said she will not reschedule, so there is an impasse. We may have to try to find some help, I don't know, it will really be a sh*t show,
 
Ok, that rant over, this space is for me. I have CB today at 10AM. I felt like I needed to talk with her in advance of the Old Club reunion, which is the 30th. Also me brother's B-Day is next week and I haven't done anything yet to make it special...it is a milestone and I had this idea to go to the party store and send him a few decorations. Anyway, maybe a fruit basket would be a better idea. At least a dang card. Gah.

Last night I made a request of the two women who prepare the adoption kits and harnesses etc for when then transport comes in. There is always a handoff. I said my options are limited and why and asked them to have everything at A's house on the 26th for me to pick up as I drive past home from my Dad's. Surely they need to step it up.

Also, need to get some paperwork reviewed and reiterate the transport arrival time needs to be midafternoon, like around 2 or 3, not Noon as I saw in the papers. It is very hard to me to get volunteers to show up at Noon. People can take the afternoon off, but they need their full mornings.

Switching back to the present, it is another comfortable morning, The windows are open and this early it is a cricket chirping. Sounds like summer, not fall, and the temp is expected to climb close to 80 today. I am enjoying my matcha while the dogs' breakfast "cooks". (Hot water over frozen cooked turkey mixed into their kibble). It really is a blessing to have them both on the same diet. Also, the dog(s) have been using the pee pads for toileting when needed. I don't know whether I will have the time and bandwidth to clean the carpet spots today. My energy is so taxed everyday that when I get home and take care of the chores, I just lay on the couch and out the tv on, read a little news, have some snacks, and go to sleep. I mumbled at Proggy last night. He isn't feeling well. He has gone back and forth on which day to plan the baseball game in the past 48. Finally last night I said "I don't have the energy to keep re-discussing the game." So if he is feeling better on Friday, we will pick up tickets that morning. If not, we will try to go Sunday. That is it.

Yesterday I cleaned KDog's ears. They were woefully neglected. I have never seen a dog produce the amount of ear goop that she does. Luckily they never seem to bother her.

I feel like there is not enough space right now for emotions or processing what is going on. I am back in panic mode, just getting things done, process later. I don't know if that is ultimately good or bad, it just seems necessary. I also feel like I need to have a serious talk with Peaches and get her head back in the game. Her life is GOING to change, and if she is having trouble getting on board with his needs then as a last measure I will have to hire a caregiver and consider kicking her out and moving in. She is worried about cosmetic things and I am worried about his safety. Well that is not categorically true, but at a minimum we don't have a plan yet and we are not working in sync yet about his homecoming. Hopefully today will be better.
 
Ya know, sometimes a simple hug is really the best comment. Thanks Cate.

Yesterday I arrived at the rehab around 9:30A. It was good timing as he had not yet been to PT. I could see that his swollen, painful foot had gotten worse. I asked the nurse and there was nothing in the chart. Not my dad,s mention to the doc in rounds the day before, not our complaint to the nurse (who then texted the doctor) later in the afternoon. Nothing was being done. On top of that, I was upset that his discharge notification was already scheduled for Friday and yet he is not capable to do his PT because of the pain. He cannot stand and pivot into the wheelchair without severe pain. So of course I leaped into action. The nurse said she would have the NP look at it. I spoke with PT on my way down the hall. Then I had CB from my car and she gave me some input. When I came back inside I spoke to an administrator and said that I felt it was now getting attention but I wanted someone in charge to know what was going on. Then I went to see the social worker (not there, but came down to talk to me later. Net result - they started prednisone for his foot (most likely a reflaring of the gout which started in hospital) but they were also taking an XRay and doing a vein scan to rule out other things. His uric acid will be measured in his blood labs this morning. Whereas I had initially been told that his exit date was likely immovable, the social worker talked with everyone and they pushed it back a couple of days. This should hopefully give some time for the steroids to kick in and Dad to be able to get a couple more days of therapy, including getting him able to walk more in a walker and able to navigate a couple of steps up, which he needs to do in order to get in the house.

I ran out and got a blt and some fruit for lunch. The afternoon I did various things, started to understand the options for transportation, got his friend to agree to bring us a wheelchair he may need, approved the estimate to repair his scooter. One of the rescue girls is going to bring the folders/kits to my house for me. Got the time arranged with the transporter for a 2PM arrival. I need to work on headcount today. Dad's new release date is the day of the transport so I might not initially be there and we likely will have to find a helper for Peaches. I realized last night that Peaches' reluctance to set my dad up in the spare room might be that she is afraid I will no longer spend the night...or her wayward granddaughter won't be able to spend the night, In reality, there is a way to turn either room into an extra, which I will mention today. We need to start getting going on a plan though, which feels lighter to me now that we have two extra days.

I contemplated going to last nights ballgame by myself, tickets were super cheap as the weather was a bit dour, it was a weeknight, and the team has been in a late season slump. I knew I was tired, and I did not want to leave the dogs alone again after being gone all day. I ended up watching part of it, and falling asleep, as they managed to lose another game they should have won. The disappointment is palpable. Proggy and I may go Sunday with cheap tickets and a nice day expected, but the game won't mean anything from a competitive viewpoint. We try again next year.

KDog has a touch of colitis this morning. I gave her some yogurt as a snack last night so I guess we won't be doing THAT again. I am waiting for the medicated ointment to arrived from NDog's lump, after a call out to the local community turned up no leftovers and I had to order thru Chewdog using our rescue's vet. It is getting bigger but is believed to be a common enough benign lump; the medication will help it go away more quickly.

The morning is cool but the sun has come out brightly over the garage to the East. I noted with some satisfaction that the grass has filled in in some areas after the removal of the overgrown trees. The den windows in the sun are showing that they need to be cleaned and I sort of sighed to myself when I realized that none of the winterization chores have been completed. The focus has been so intensely Dad, looking after him, keeping him company, and in the not so distant future, getting the two of them down to Florida for the winter.

Of course, once they are down there it becomes a lot more logistically challenging for me to help. We will just have to see how functional he emerges from all this. At least he has lost a substantial amount of weight, if he can keep it off...that is going to depend on Peaches' willingness to cook at home more often. Doubtful. She has become very accustomed to Dad's credit card...
 
It has been nice waking up at a slower pace today. I will embark on the long drive in an hour or so. One they get him home it actually will be a greater number of miles but fewer stoplights/less congestion and in an area where shortcuts and diversions exist. Plus that route will take me past staples...warehouse store for gas..,TJ for groceries, and even my docs and dentist as the case may be. I think we need to agree that the attempt to go to Florida is off at least till the the 2nd week of November. If we can figure out the needs here, and get to his docs here, and get everything stabilized, then we just take the same template and move it down there.

Just emailed Irish Friend so she would know what was going on. Actually felt a few thoughts and feelings on a more emotional level as I wrote the brief note and sent it off, which is good. I have been pretty bottled up and in work/task mode I learned for so many years.

Peaches and I just spoke for about 45 minutes. We don't have a plan for his discharge yet, as it is falling on the same date as the transport. I just intend to get those details as organized and ready as possible, so that others could execute if absolutely needed. This means taking inventory of the supplies and staging them...first aid, food, water, bowls, canned food, baby food, broth, harnesses etc. My goal will be to get that all done by Sunday. I also made a decision to plan to stay overnights for several days, up to a week, starting the following day. KDog will come with me and NDog will have to go to either BLS or to another foster sitter. I also *think* I have arrived at a decision to release NDog for adoption as the road ahead is only going to revolve more around my Dad. KDog is not a problem but I cannot handle NDog too. If I still feel convinced later tonight I will send a note to Pixy to get the ball rolling.

I probably should do laundry today and other than that, will go out for a visit to the rehab for several hours. For now, finally going to take NDog for a nice walk.
 
I also want to note that Peaches forgot everything we talked about yesterday afternoon while she was driving home from her lunch/"day off". It could have waited until she was home. I am not so troubled that she did not retain some details, dates, etc...it's that the entirety of everything seemed anew to her. That she agreed to call the knee doc and ask if steroids interfere with shots. That my Dad's discharge is this upcoming Thursday. It is not the first time since I have spent more time with her. It might just be that she is used to writing things down that she needs to remember. It is just weird that she literally does not recall anything from that convo.

My plan is to first ask her about it, before running off and having a conversation with her daughter. It could also be stress or denial/resistance versus outright memory loss, but it also could be an opportunity to identify something before it gets worse, Also, I think I want to understand what their family plan is if Peaches becomes less able to take care of herself and my Dad. I am grateful they decided from the beginning to not get married, but because of that there is also no expectation for them to remain together under one roof til the end of one or the other. She is about 8 years his junior and should have lots of living left to do with her daughter(s), grandkids, and great grandkids. It's a family which has babies young. Hopefully the plan is for her to move in with her daughter S when it is suitable to all. Her elder daughter is a hot mess and estranged for the most part.
 
Last post/topic before shower.

Last night talking to Proggy I was talking about it starting to sink in to my dad how severe this was, how long he was in hospital, how sick he was, and how hard it has been on both Peaches and I. His buddy was in for a visit, and he told this buddy how he had apparently been ripping things off while in the hospital. And he asked me how long he had been in. So I just recapped it, including the fact that I had been spending the nights and trying to not sleep to keep from ripping things out, because I didn't want him be in restraints. In the retelling to Proggy, I said that I hope this finally meant my dad realizes he has to change his behavior and atittude. He says he doesn't want to be a burden, but any burden is far worse to swallow when it was/is avoidable.

I mentioned to Proggy that this became a problem in my marriage, How L could eat an entire whole box danish in one sitting, then try to rationalize it (somewhat in jest). When he was younger, he biked and played raquetball and though he was a big guy, he had a lot of muscle and stayed fit. As our ages advanced, and as I began taking care of myself, losing weight and getting fit, his continued weight gain, ambivalence, pot use, etc etc became more a source of resentment. "This is not what I signed up for"...I expected him to have a heart attack or a stroke in his 40's, and have to take care of him and predicted I would be a widow before I turned 50. If he had been taking care of himself I would not have felt resentful, but the fact that he was making poor choices continuously over a long period of time, was smoking pot heavily and not working...anyway, the point here is about resentment.

I told Proggy that I understood such resentment, and while I am not feeling it much at present, I am aware that on some level it is lurking. And it must be for Peaches, who has worked hard to lose weight and get in better physical shape.

And of course I said that I can't be critical of anyone right now, seeing as I am eating myself into oblivion, not making healthy or limited food choices, not exercising, and smoking. It drew my attention to myself. I silently considered...would I be a burden on anyone, and whom? Proggy was quick to say "I'd take care of you" but the reality is, if you want to be as little a burden on your loved ones as possible, then TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. "Self care is not selfish".

The quickest thing I can do is stop smoking. Its about 5 cigarettes per day. So far today I have had 2 half cigarettes. I can certainly try to get through the rest of the day without!

OK gotta shower! Great topic!
 
So yesterday I had another half cigarette when I got home.
This morning most of one after I woke up. I can do this! Tapering down.
I have some chores to do then off to the rehab for "caregiver training". I need to do dog rescue stuff too. Busy busy.
 
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