Fiera's Diary

Went to the wholesale club for carpet runners and gasoline. When I got home there was a terrible smell in the den. I mean like rotting flesh. Cleaning lady was here earlier. I had put the A/C on earlier. I am not sure what it was. I had put some leftover dog food mix into the trash before I left...possibly the cheese had gone off sitting in the fridge...ended up tossing multiple things, running the dishwasher and obviously opening up the house...I still kept getting a whiff of something in the kitchen, near the garbage can, but the can itself didn't smell...tossed the raised feeder mat downstairs to wash in bleach and saw that the wood underneath which gets wet was looking moldy...and then the harwood floor under that also looking suspicious. Sigh. Spent some time bleaching those things just in case. If I still get a whiff of something tomorrow I am truly at my wits end. Please Santa can I just have a clean, odor free home for Christmas this year?

I suppose it is also possible that the essentially tripled pain meds are affecting KDog in a way which is giving her a foul skin odor or bad breath. Going to research that tomorrow. I am definitely toast and made a cup of relaxing tea so I can go to sleep soon.

Oh, my new dermatologist moved and I didn't get a notification. I called my old dermatologist and she is on medical leave through October and then booked through February. That won't work. I will ask my rheumatologist for a recommendation. The neurologist he recommended was great. Seems in general though that so many specialists have very long lead times for appointments.

Tired now, turning in.
 
Still up. After placing the trash can and the raised feeder out on the back porch, swapping out dish towels, and tearing my hair out, I happened to inspect the fridge again. Everything in the freezer was cold, but...somehow the fridge has gotten turned down to the minimum setting, For how long I don't know. Stuff is still cool to the touch but it may have been turned up enough to cause some things to go bad? I also washed the floor in front of the fridge. Sheesh what else can it possibly be? Hoping once the fridge cools down further that will be the end of it.

That's really all I got at this point. I'm still up because KDog was acting hungry, but then decided that she was not interested in her dinner, just some cookies. She may have been feeling warm too, so I turned up the ceiling fan and the fan blower on the A/C unit.

Might as well do the word game and then really truly this day has to be over. It is already 12:30AM and I have not slept well the past few nights.
 
Friday

KDog took a decently long walk this morning and trotted a bit. She likes the moderate temps. I overslept and got a late start. We got home just in time for my call with CB. She ate brekkie and then was acting hungry at lunch time but turning her nose up at her usual topper, cheese. I frankly didn't want the food to go to waste because it is the last turkey and I need to run to the store...so I broke out the peanut butter and she gobbled up the entire bowl. I don't want to rely on that because I use it for her meds, and if it ever gets boring or she associates it with kibble and gets turned off, I don't have a back up plan. Well, it was just once, and I will avoid doing it again.

CB was really helpful. It turned out that the replacement derm I got an appt with at old derm's office - she saw that doctor yesterday and liked her. I don't need to second guess or look for other referrals. What a break, and so glad I mentioned to her. She also told me in no uncertain terms that Peaches and I are not capable to take care of my Dad immediate post op and we absolutely must get him into rehab where they can look after him properly, manage his pain etc. She didn't seem to think that it was going to be something we would have to fight for, with all his comorbidities. I felt a huge relief and called Peaches after and SHE also felt relief. It also may help me be able to juggle KDog better, knowing that I won't have to be at the house to take care of him post op...I can drive out and do daily visits or something. That would be HUGE.

I took my shower and am enjoying sitting in my towel for a bit with the windows open on a very nice day with a baseball game turned on. Calm before the stormin a way. Proggy will be up for the weekend. He is going out with a friend tonight (yay) and then tomorrow he has another friend driving up and the 3 of us will go to a street fest. I have a new SPF sun hat and SPF shirts so I can manage sun exposure.

Will head off to the store soon, though I am toying with the idea of going after Proggy leaves. I like that better actually. He should arrive around 4 and be out of here by 5:30 I think. Yeah. I am going to just let this comfortable interlude last a bit longer.
 
I weighed before getting dressed. 185.4. For a couple of days it was 187.x so it is a feeling of relief. The WSR is helping noticeably with appetite. And I got a bit more walking in a few days, or doing stairs on laundry day, or cleaning house. My MTD BMI is down 0.4. Of course for the year is it still up 3.1 But hey...gotta recognize the beginning of some momentum and build on it.

This ws a topic with CB today actually. We started shame work and I selected weight/body size to begin with. "I am..." Lots of negative words there. Lots of shame around not having clothes to wear, not wanting to be seen, hiding, being hard on myself for not being physically capable of living my life as I think I should be. It is a good exercise, but I don't want to hear "I hear your shame and I love you" type of validation...at least not yet. This type of therapy involves learning to love yourself just the way you are. The best I can do is give myself grace for having gotten to this point, but I don't want to stay stuck here, I want my life to be more. I shared the honest observation that the past couple of years have been shaped by KDog's physical decline and colitis issues; and since 2016 with my Dad's health issues, and it has been a long slow wait for the eventuality to occur. It makes me sick to acknowledge but it is human and real...that when KDog does go it will liberate my life in certain ways, and the same with my Dad. I know because of how it was with my last dog who fought cancer for over 3 years. It is not celebratory, but there is a sense of OK, now I get to live my life for ME. Perhaps it is because I have so many things (cough, house, cough) which are non-negotiables, or continue to linger and consume bandwidth, that I really validly feel like I don't have energy, don't have freedom, am not living my life. It has been too many big things...coupled with the toxic job, the pandemic which became my job, the hacker who terrorized me during the pandemic when competent help was hard to come by...there were always things. And I remind myself that I *am* at least partially living the life I wanted, being involved with the dog rescue. There also have been my own health developments which I didn't anticipate, like being unable to wear contacts and being far less able to tolerate sun and humidity.

That is a long ramble but I think it is just my way of saying that there are factors which me here, that it is not all just my own inability to manifest my life...and I can just move forward from where I am now to change the things that I want to. And I do want to lose weight and get fit. Mostly so I can be comfortable and capable again.
 
Cat Claws
Sunday

Yesterday was Proggy, with his friend Doc to go to arts festival. I had to drive, rideshare was too much, and Doc had driven almost an hour to get to my place, I was cranky before we left the house. Nonstop walking dogs, cooking turkey and oatmeal, cleaning dishes, etc. Then a failed effort to exchange dog food, trip to bank, out for breakfast. Everything just constant without a break, and heat and sunshine building.

Maybe I should have seen it coming but I didn't. I hurriedly and crankily put my SUV into people mode instead of dog mode, unloading and reorganizing things, wiping down seats and windows in the back seat, realizing filty evertything is. Swing around the front of the house and pick up the boys. Doc is chattering a lot from the back seat, making conversation, asking a questions and making proclamations (opinions) about things like he is knowledgeable about areas where I live and he doesn't. We finally got over to where the art fest was, close to AN's, and were looking for a place to park. Doc saw a small car pull out of a spot ahead and excitedly called out for me to catch it and park there. I had my doubts because I have an SUV but I was game to try it. I'm generally a pretty good parallel parker. There was a bit of aggressive traffic coming through and a couple of people riding scooters, so I was taking pmy time. Doc is chatting incessantly from the back seat while I am trying to concerntrate, and I pulled in a bit to close to the car in front and was too close to the curb. Doc pipes up "I'll do it! Let ME do it!"

My rage - and it was rage - was instantaneous. I didn't want or need his or anyone's help. I wasn't nervous. I know my car. It was a small dubious spot. It's not like I tried it multiple times or anything. And while Doc has come up several times he is not my friend, nor did he say it in a friendly way. And to my own surprise, I lashed out of him. "Get the F out of my Fing car. NOW."

Oops.

Many apologies ensued from both sides once we pulled out and found another more suitable spot. But I have replayed that moment in my head many times trying to understand it because that is never acceptable and it came literally out of nowhere. I mean yes I see now that I was agitated earlier. I suspect the increased WSR has something to do with it. I was also painfully reminded of AN and missing him and also afraid of bumping into him at 50 pounds overweight. So my head was a bit distracted a portion of the time.

I don't know whether the WSR is causing me to be emotional or whether it is actually helping me to vomit up emotions that have been trapped or stuck. But I also vomited up a bit to Proggy this morning, telling him about the shame I was feeling, for both fiercely blowing up out of the blue, and for being overweight, and not wanting to be seeing, knowing I was not realy living my life. Also the Big Fear that unsettlingly visited me last night while sitting in the yard with NDog.

Gonna give this another week. At least I communicated with Proggy honestly (through some tears) about how I am feeling. Feels like I am finally processing some things.

On AN, part of me is finally getting that he is gone for good, something I never expected. I thought we would always be on friendly terms, and have affection for each other. It sucks to be wrong about that, just as I was with BG. But if someone wants to leave your life, there isn't a lot you can do about it. And if someone is not in a place where they are willing and capable to talk, listen, and try to work things out..well...no amount of angst, anguish, regret or longing will change that.

I was going to launch into my observations about having strong family behind you as an enabler to weather storms of life. Well - family and/or friends. It just reminded me of the period when my family all died or moved away, and I really felt that deeply. And L in the midst of all that. AN and BG were my new family and I felt loved and safe again. Now they are gone and it is Proggy who is my new family. And I guess to bring this full circle, I worry about the damage caused by my flare up yesterday.

i know better and I am not a bad person. Why do I do bad things?
 
CB was too kind when I shared the abbreviated version. Something to the effect of "good people sometimes have big reactions" and a fully accepting expression of support. Reminded myself that I need to forgive myself and move on - I apologized (repeatedly), accepted full accountability, acknowledged openly that it was bad behavior. In hindsight there was a buildup to that moment which had very little to do with that moment. I was resentful, busy with tasks/dogs, and worried about being able to tolerate the sun and heat. And of course feeling fat and ashamed at my appearance/clothing.

Now that that is done and I have had a shower, I will put on the baseball game, do laundry, plan dinner and finish getting things ready for PAG's arrival.
 
Monday

PAG arrived around 5PM yesterday. Other than laundering the bedding and moving some stored items out of the guest room, I didn't think much about preparing. Once he arrived though, I realized that I was in entertaining mode. But-he has lived here before and knows how to make himself at home, which is nice. So we had a nice catch up chat, I talked to Proggy a bit on the phone later, and we left the old noir movies playing on the tv. I crashed on the couch around 10 and he went to bed about an hour later. This morning I didn't wake up until 7, took care of the dogs and got coffee brewing so it was ready for him to have when he got up at 8. We had coffee in the shade in the backyard; it is probably the last comfortable morning we are going to get for several days. NDog was out with us, then I went and brought KDog out and a bed for her to lay on. Very enjoyable morning coffee chat outdoors.

Last night around 6:30 we took a walk together, all 4 of us, which was nice because I had someone to walk NDog and I could devote my attention to KDog. It was a slow mosey in the remaining heat of the day. But am noticing that PAG's easygoing manner and willingness to participate in whatever is adding some warmth to the household right now. Unlike Proggy who is fairly dependent on me for everything, PAG wants me to show him how something works and then he is autonomous. I know he takes pains to be unintrusive. Will see how I feel about it in a few days, as he is working only 5 hour shifts after today. Overall, however, I am happy to not feel stressed by him. Also, I told him he is welcome to bring in groceries or snacks or whatever, it was just naturally to let him know he was welcome to take up space, bit it also set the stage that I am not planning to cook meals for us. Indeed, I already started thinking about meals this week which require minimal cooking, or use the grill, because it will be so hot. If it works out that I can make extras, like if I grill brats, then he is welcome to them...but mostly I just want self serve type foods this week. And healthy salads etc.

Speaking of...

Weight is 186 as of yesterday. I dislike walking in the hot weather (so do the dogs) so I will walk KDog in the mornings and NDog before sunset this week. By Saturday this heat wave should be out of here, and hopefully afterward we will be heading towards autumnal temps. Hopefully.

KDog is doing OK. She was a little bouncy last night and this morning, a bit more playful, and she aggravated her back a bit. But she seems really happy to have PAG around. I found a lump on NDog this morning. Pixy looked at a photo and thinks it is a lipoma, but she sent it off to our program vet to take a look. If he were my dog I would just have it aspirated but he is not and so I have to do whatever they decide. I finger brush him almost every day so it has seemingly popped up overnight, the size of a nickel. We shall see.

I am stalling the productivity part of the day which requires me to leave the house and go run errands. Unloaded dishwasher, brought the pop up chairs into the basement, cleaned/swept around outdoor basement drain, went thru 3 storage containers on the shelf in the guest bedroom looking to consolidate/toss things out. Listed an unopened jar of vitamin A on the freebox. Found my extra razor blades. Replied to a couple of texts from DDog's owner.

I will give myself until 2PM and then get in the shower. Best to get to the TJ grocery store before afternoon traffic picks up. It is about 15 minutes or so with no traffic and then it scales up from there.
 
Exchanged a bag of dog food and went to the TJ store. Made bacon earlier so will have BLT for dinner. Leftovers will be available if PAG wants them (he will).

Tried a little massage for KDog on her tight thigh muscle and hock and she really snarked at me. The radiologist consulted for an additional opinion sees nothing of concern at this point. Starting to question the specialist vet even though she has seen more of these cases than most anyone. Maybe a muscle relaxer? Am going to try a little moist heat the muscle.

NDog was dx as a bug bite, via email photos by the specialist vet and while I don't think so, I will administer Benadryl as instructed. It is probably a case of taking the least expensive route first before taking any other steps. Can't argue really, it's only for a few days. Will have to see but am guessing he will be very sleepy now for the rest of the day.

Need to hit the shower soon. But going to just rest for a bit now. I got a bit emotional and felt sad while out running errands. Again, maybe just finally processing things which have been stuck. I have a doc appt in a week to discuss how the WSR is working.
 
Tuesday

Up early today. Was out the door with KDog by 6 as we are expecting uncomfortably hot temps the next few days. She got up right away but kept the walk short and I suspect her meds had not kicked in yet. Usually it is like an hour before she gets up.

PAG arrived home around 7:30 and spent most of the evening watching tv/video on his phone in the yard. Tonight will be too hot for that so maybe I will offer to put something on the tv or go out to see a flick.

Requitting smoking again - or trying to. I cracked after the specialist visit last Thursday. I was just so exhausted and I stopped at the gas station on the way home after like 5 days without. Last one yesterday roughly around 6PM.

I need to work on my to do list. In the format I used to have in a spreadsheet. That allowed me columns for this week, next week and beyond, as well as a way to group like chores with no deadlines - house repairs, furnishings, repair projects around the house, computer maintenance, financial planning....the idea of you are taking care of one task it makes sense to get on a roll and do similar, related tasks. Doing your will? Update your beneficiaries, which means talking to my financial guy, which means ai should ask him about 72t withdrawals. Etc. It is a way to get all of those tasks off my shoulders and on to a piece of paper until I can get to them. Otherwise - and this is how I feel I have been approaching things - it is like trying to get to Inbox Zero.

Inbox Zero is, of course, this theoretical place of satisfaction and peace, where your inbox is empty. where every reply has been send, every email which requires action has been actioned, every nonessential email has been deleted, every record has been filed in its appropriate folder. Inbox Zero. Empty. Peace. Silence.

It is how I feel I live. I can never relax because therre are always things which really need to be done. I am still so far behind on everything, and still so unsure about how much money I can afford to spend taking care of things. Let alone getting to the point where I know it's OK to spend a few grand on a winter place, or a trip once KDog is gone. Eh, I just have not had the bandwidth in a while to really get a grip on things. Perhaps today is the day! lol...



.
 
Wednesday

Awoke shortly after 5 again, good for beating the heat. I got the dogs breakfast together, let NDog out, made matcha, and unloaded the dishwasher while KDog's meds kicked in. About 6:05 KDog popped up without prompting and took her for a walk (nearly a mile). She is smart enough that she may have realized we needed to beat the heat.

Today I talk with our regular vet. I am plagued with worry and confusion about what to do for KDog. Specialist vet says bone cancer. Regular vet and radiologist say they don't see that (yet) on the XRays. How you don't want things to end is a sudden break one day, would be terribly painful.

On the plus side, PAG's stay is going OK. He made himself scarce again last night by watching videos/tv on his phone. He got approved for an apartment in the area which is nice, he should be moving in Sept 1.

I looked on W's social. His finance had an ectopic pregnancy and also had one years back on the other side, so she says IVF treatments are the only option going forward. I am sure W's folks will pay for it. I know I should feel sad for them, I know how much W wanted to have kids (when he was ready). The fact that empathy was not my first reaction is disturbing. But I did look for it and have since found it. A what a bitter old woman I am going to be if I can't get my head and heart out of the past.

36 hours without a cigarette. Currently managing through a craving. Definitely being stuck in the house leads to boredom. But I think I can manage to hold out. Must manage to stay busy.
 
Ugh. The arborist says there are no good options for the maple. Based on the location of the hole, even with wires and pulleys they could not keep it from coming down on the house. Such a sad reality. This tree provides so much shade for the house and yard. He also said he would not plant anything larger than 3" diameter for the health of the tree (mentioned root girdling for larger trees in nurseries).

He mentioned going on the arboretum website and researching new trees, and that I can go ahead and get started even before the old tree is removed. So, I guess that needs to be the next focus...figuring out a plan for the yard, deck, patio, pergola etc.

After deciding what to do for KDog, that is.
 
Ya know, I feel like things have been in "dying" mode for years now. Maybe "end of life" is a better term. And maybe things are going to get harder before they get easier. In fact, I should plan for that. But death has a way of not exactly letting you know its schedule. I recognize that I am in need of rebirth, expansion in my life. What I can and should be doing is preparing for that. Casting off things I don't need and would never move to another house. Getting my financials back where I know what is going on and am using a budget. Being gentler on myself about how I am spending my time. Allowing myself space to feel. Breathe. Stretch. Hug myself. Yeah.
 
Rising Scream

Talked w my dad and then Peaches. Everyone is at the breaking point. Peaches SIL has been in the hospital with complications and now her daughter is in for a scheduled procedure. My dad has had a change in bloodwork apparently so they are having him see kidney doc before surgery. When I spoke privately afterward with Peaches she talked for 45 mins. Mostly just to listen, but I think we feel like there are no good options for my Dad at this point. He is suffering emotionally. I don't want anyone to go through this decline, and it reminds me of my friend IK. She was waiting to die. She would be sitting on her accident pad, in the later times without underwear on, just a sheet covering her lap. And she would say Fiera, this is no way to live. I just want to be with (her husband).

I personally am in favor of assisted dying. In the US where it is allowed, access is usually very restrictive. Even in Europe, it is difficult to come by when you can't point to a disease which will kill someone in say 6-12 months. No, if you are blessed with something slower moving - you get to go through all the mental decline and depression, which can be its own form of torment. Not all pain is physical. If someone is done living, and they are ready to go, and a doctor or two agree, then why not just let them have a peaceful planned exit?

There is more room for compassion with animals I think, than humans. I know that it is important to prevent abuse of the system, but if the docs and caregivers have been in the persons life for years, and the person is of rational and consistent mind, there should be a compassionate way to exit.

Sure am tempted to go purchase cigarettes after that.
 
Have managed to not go get smokes, but sure am struggling this afternoon. I used my laptop to go online and check a credit card to verify that a charge had been reversed. It had. Then I got the idea as long as I was on the computer and stuck in the house it was a perfect time to login and cleanup email accounts which are dormant or obsolete. I started with one I was sure had nothing in it, it was a placeholder email account for professional services once I left my corporate job. Except, logging into it, I found that I had 470 emails and needed to migrate a few of the senders to one of my other email addresses. It was instant immersion in communications from professional associations both domestic and European; familiar concepts and terminology; suits; powerpoints; educational conferences in Atlanta and Switzerland. Conferences which in theory I could have taught at had I not abruptly left my field and disappeared in retirement.

I was so vividly reminded of various aspects of the situation I was in; placed in legally precarious circumstances and doing my best to keep things on the right side of the line, but being viewed as a problem for not just going along; being pushed out of my role, having nightmares about going to work and finding my office had been relocated, having my actual office relocated, having waking daymares about spending my retirement years being subpoenaed, deposed and called to testify in Europe. I was petrified. I have no idea looking back what I could have done differently, or who I could have gone to and trusted. There were some geographical constraints that my employment law attorney felt she might have trouble protecting me. Ugh. This is the process I guess. These are a few of the factors which I was surviving in on a daily basis. And I felt very alone. I am sure perspective will continue to evolve. It seems like the passage of time is making it possible to remember without being re traumatized or triggered. That is good progress. I used to say I was going to write a book about what happened to me, half in jest, there probably could have been a lawsuit but it just wasn't the way I wanted to go; I wanted to retire, not be forced to quit and go to court and keep reliving things.

Reminded me that I was good at what I do though. And smart. I was smart. I just was in the wrong place with the wrong people.
 
Thursday AM

Yesterday was a doozy. 6AM and 2PM WSR, trapped in the house, ridiculous heat, unable to get organized or relax. I haven't taken the WSR today and feel better. I'll take the 2PM dose just to see.

After the sun went down I took KDog for a brief walk, then NDog for a shorter than normal walk. When I got home, the house was dark and still, which didn't hit me immediately. Then as I walked into the den, I heard that A/C kick on. Probably another power surge or supply shift, like the 5 second brownout earlier. This was different however in that absolutely no electric came back on in the main part of the house. I went down and flipped the main breakers...no luck. Eventually I found that one of the individual breakers looked not fully ON. After I reset that, everything else came online. So relieved, as it got HOT and muggy in the house almost immediately.

Friday PM

Shortly after writing that, Peaches called. She and Dad left the house to go to lunch was not a great idea in declared heat emergency for a man of his age with his medical conditions. I imagine he was determined to meet his friend in the afternoon for their weekly hangout, being the last Thursday before surgery. Anyway, he was having trouble breathing and apparently had also not felt well earlier, so the paramedics came and took him to the hospital. I got things set up so PAG could feed dogs and give KDog her pain meds, I arrived at the ER a few hours later to give Peaches relief and stay with Dad until they could get him into a room (heart doc admitted him). 15 hours after first arriving, at 3:30AM, he finally made it into a room. Hospital was packed to the gills. No sleep in the ER, there was no way to get comfortable, but got about an hour and a half nap after getting settled in the room, the drove home after to take care of the dogs. Heading back out in another hour and a half. Very tired. Dad is stable and doing OK. Will probably get out of hosp Sun or Mon. We don't know yet if he will still have his knee replacement next week. At first I thought no way, but now it actually seems plausible. Peaches showed up at 5:45 this morning as I was leaving and has gone home for the day. His friend is visiting him now which is nice, and he is talking to other folks on the phone, so I am not going to stress over getting out there if I can get a bit of a further nap in.

I grocery shopped "hungry" today so there is plenty of food in the house.

Juggling what to do with the dogs was a major concern. NDog's usual people were leaving for Mexico and the paid sitter, which the rescue is paying for, is still on for thr knee replacement. If I needed to I could try paying her out of my own pocket but since he is doing well I think I can get away with just leaving them home. It really helped that PAG was over and able to take care of them last night...and that I was able to set some things up for him before leaving. Thanks Universe.

Ok going to lay down for a bit.
 
Saturday

Oh, blessed 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep!

I got up a little after 7, took care of the dogs, cooked turkey and oatmeal, started laundry, and cooked a frittata. Got the kitchen cleaned up, opened the mail. Grateful for the energy!

Peaches is with Dad, he is more lucid this morning after some rest. I will head back up to the hospital around 3. Just need a shower and to finish up laundry.

I am very happy that PAG seems to be in good management of the issue which resulted in him being told to leave when he lived here. I like having him around, it makes the house more homey, and he gives me my space. When he lived here he set up a living room for himself in my basememt. It worked out. He is also approved for an apartment about a mile away so it will be nice to have him nearby if I need help with things or someone to look after the house when I am away. I don't think I would leave KDog under his care and go out of town, with her medical issues I don't like being away from her, period, But he has been helpful to feed them, and give her medicine in the evenings, and let NDog out in the yard.

NDog has been expressive and excited to see me when I come home. He still spends most of the day in the front room, in his own space, but maybe that will change. I think he is possibly afraid of getting stepped on or just being in smaller spaces with people - a possible remnant from his time injured in kennels. But I see some adjustments occurring with his time here. He is SO CUTE when happy and excited. But still so much fear and jumpiness. Well...we will see...our second dog took a couple of years to blossom, and she never got over her fear of cords and cables, and never let anyone come up behind her...champion backer-upper. But overall she did really relax and became a warm, loving family member.

The windows are open and a nice breeze is blowing. It is overcast and I need to see whether rain is expected before I leave the house. PAG is going to a wedding later. Today feels better. I needed the rest, I needed to feel energy. Later I will re-enter the world of my Dad, but for now, this time is mine and I love it.
 
Well, Dad has very compromised mentation/alertness. It has been a really rough week. I spend about 20 hours per day at the hospital. He seems to have brain damage. He is not very alert; is slow, confused. He is largely unable to communicate or follow a train of though. Night time hours he is displaying characteristics of dementia. Combative, angry, confused, pulling off everything including bipap mask he must wear. I stay awake all night trying to keep him from pulling out his IV or pulling off his catheter, or ripping off his bipap. So, new life chapter. I am in charge of him medically and will be assuming financial POA. And I am mourning the loss of my dad who is in front of me but no longer there. This is an unexpected worst case scenario and am just doing what I can, but I probably have no idea about how hard my life is about to become. I tell you, I never dreamed that I would be spending the next best years of my life doing more caretaking. And he would not want it this way either. I figured it would be a heart failure episode and sudden exit for my Dad.

I have shed buckets of tears at times and cried on the phone with friends and relatives as well as keeping everyone posted.

I am exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

But I told myself that I will get thru this.

Coincidentally EF's first husband, the father of her children, had a medical episode and may not survive. She called to tell me and then learned the news about my Dad. Hopefully he will pull thru; he has been given only a 25% chance or surviving.
 
I am so sorry to hear the news about your Dad. Is a care home an option? My Mum had dementia but I couldn't have looked after her. I got her into a lovely home where she was so well looked after & she was also safe. Her last 7 years were often sad for me seeing her disappear before my eyes but it was good to be able to spend quality time with her without trying to cope with all of the physical & personal responsibilities. I know my limitations mostly.
I really do feel for you in this. It's very tough but you will get through it :grouphug:
 
Cate, I am so sorry about your mum. That must have been such a difficult chapter.

Thank you for your kind thoughts and support. Right now it seems like the last great gift of love and support we can give to my dad to bring him home. But it is one thing to do that for six months, another to do it for years.

We will determine options for my dad in the next days. It is unknown right now how much function he will regain. The primary event seems to be some kind of brain damage cause by high C02, which has enabled early dementia to manifest more fully overnight. All subject to clinical confirmation and testing. He will need to undergo PT and OT. There are risks to the loved one inside and outside of a nursing type facility. A lot of things are hidden...falls, medication errors, abuse and neglect. We would like for him to come home but it is TBD what kind of ongoing care he will need. And Peaches is great at denial. She seems game to sign up to put a hospital bed if needed in the middle of their living room but then when she wants to go away with her family she will expect me to fill the gap, as she has for the last years. This might okay as long as we talk first about schedules and if I am capable of providing that level of care. I told her today he is probably going to need paid caretakers, esp at night which means strangers in her house. I just don't think she gets it. And honestly we just don't know yet if he will continue to get better enough to avoid a care home type arrangement at first. This scenario has been so far from my radar it has been difficult to figure out where to start. There is little to no information and then suddenly I think we will be asked to make decisions without it. He will probably go to a post-acute rehab hospital for 10-14 days, though mentally it would be better for him to just come HOME. Am so afraid he will get hurt trying to to escape or have a fall and yet these risks may be greater at home unless we have caretaker support. Medicare will require that he go to a post-acute facility to get certain levels of support. I hate it. I hate all of it. I hate it for him and I hate it for me and for Peaches.
 
My Mum was transformed into this sweet loving old lady that everyone just loved. Dementia takes so many twists & turns but she was never angry, frustrated or violent. She lived a long way from me & it was nice to have those last 7 years with her nearby & being cared for well in the nursing home in our small local town. For the first 4 years or so I took her out to lunch & for drives & it was lovely. She settled in instantly & loved having people to chat to all of the time. In the last 3 years, she lost her speech & all of her faculties. It was a gradual thing but there is no way I could have coped physically even though she was small & frail & I am far from that. I didn't feel bad about putting Mum into the home that was near to me as it was a much better alternative to the home that my brother wanted to put her in & it meant I got to see her often. I still kept a good eye on how she was being cared for.
Having your father living with you would really mean that is your life from then on until he dies. If Peaches is prepared to take that on, with support & you are OK with offering support when she needs it, with plenty of advance notice, then kudos to her. It's a huge undertaking. Caring for someone at home who is incapable of doing anything requires 3 shifts of carers (3 x 8 hrs) plus the days they have off. That's a lot of people.
I am really sorry that you have all of this worry. I hope your Dad regains a lot of his faculties & you have more time to think about it all. Don't forget to look after yourself xo
 
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