Fiera's Diary

I am trying Cate. Things which have a low potential for injury and breaking something are of course more likely get a chance.

CB this morning. Will come back to that.

Other things, KDog walked twice, NDog once. Ran errands, took NDog with. Bank for cash, dealer for a case of oil, pet store for new food trial for KDog.,,whoops the closest Smarty store had only one variety...start driving to Smarty #2 but call on the way..they don't have it either. Call PSP...they have it, pain in the butt drive, but on sale. She ate it up plain so this may work for a change of pace. Turns out her existing food has brown rice on label, at least today, don't know if something changed, but better for her to not have any rice at all.

Got the DR A/C all out together and wiped parts down again with bleach wipes. Best it's gonna get. Don't need that one on today, just the den, but am sure it will be vastly improved.

Ok. CB was a talked about stored trauma, about hanging on to who I used to be and hanging on to people who know or knew me, intimate friends, which are irreplaceable. I expressed a lot about the physical sensations ( or lack thereof ); about how I have had moments where the grief comes welling up and suddenly I can feel everything, like my senses are turned back on. The grief is AN and the grief is L and as she put it, the grief goes back to childhood and developmental parenting.. of course was reminded of the anguish and pain I felt as a teen about my dad. She said simply "you were never told you were "enough". Which is true, and only part of the story. We never talked about feeling, there was no emotional vocabulary. There was a period where I got divorced and everyone in my family died or moved away. There was my toxic job, a female leader in an entrenched all white male boys' club. Anyway, lots to work on. Identifying shame. Affirmative self talk. Identify who the current version of me is, today and letting go of physical clutter which is tied to the past versions of myself. The importance of feeling seen and having intimate long term friends who really know you. Do you feel seen by your Dad? Somewhat, and he has mellowed a lot, but so much is still conditional. Do you feel seen by Proggy? Eh, somewhat. But somewhat not.

Boy, this is going to be hard. The truth is, I had so many hopes and expectations for my life. And I had an expansive and virbrant life for a while. But I couldn't keep it up. Now that I am older and certain physical realities and limitations have to be taken into account, what do I want things to look like? What am I happy to let go of so that the next version of Fiera can manifest?

And on cue, Proggy. I think I will wait to write about our phone call til later. Enough for now.
 
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Saturday

As far as Proggy, he seems to have hit a rough patch. Funny how it always happens when I am trying to claim more time and space for myself, I don't feel right sharing details but he called me a second time after a call that was already dragged out when I had already said I would benefit from some me time this weekend and a nap before going out. It seems like any time I need space for myself it is either bad timing for him or he is reading it catastrophically. In any event, I remind myself to be deliberate, intentional and kind when it comes to allocating my time. And that includes being kind to myself.

KDog has bad tummy gurgles this morning so most likely the new food, which I only mixed in a small portion of. Blast it. Likely $63 down the drain.

I had planned to see a cover band last night but never made it. I feel like my skin stinks...it's likely the cigarettes but it could be my skin barrier or something else. Anyway, I got it in my head that it was ridiculous to have to take a shower and put on new clothes 3 hours after I had taken a shower and put on fresh clothes. I did nothing but stay at home and watch tv and eat. Duh. I had my last cigarette around 7? last night and am renewing my effort to quit today.

Plenty of laundry to do and I need to pick up a few things at the store. I was hoping KDog would eat but alas...I have to pick up her food til I come back home.

Today:
How can I simplify?
What can I declutter (what am I hanging on to)?
What am I about now?
Jax and Ian visit
 
Just a little self pat-on-the-back for not caving to the crave for s omes on the way back from the store. Reminded myself that quitting is really just riding out the craves when they come. The peak is usually 24 hours and the first 3 days can be rough with withdrawals. If you can manage through those 3 days it is all downhill.

I was already feeling jagged last night, probably due to therapy and the skin thing, so its just going to be more of that. Best plan is to try to keep moving, picking up house, doing laundry and...decluttering!
 
I really hope you can give up the smokes. As an ex smoker I know that you will feel so much better when you do. Distracting yourself with some decluttering, sounds like killing 2 birds with one stone. A win/win situation :)
 
Sunday. Morning after.

Ugh. Cleaned house and also had some vodka drinks in the afternoon. I wanted a nap which didn't come but somehow dragged my butt to meet Jax and Ian. After failing to double check their agenda I showed up at 11 at one place, chatted with DK for a while, then texted Jax only to find out they were about 4 blocks away, not safe area to walk alone at night, It took me 20 mins to repark the car by the 2nd club. What I liked about the club was it was full of young, nonpretentious people, and it is not a heavy boozing crowd. I think they are on other things? Jax and Ian were there when I arrived and Chris and then SJS. It was loud, and the fog machine was killing my already straining vocal cords. I bowed out at 1. Next time I will meet them at a cocktail bar not a club so we can chat more. It was nice to see Chris.

No one said anything but I was super self conscious about my weight, and about my sad outfit which was the only thing which fit. I think I tried clothes on for almost an hour. I was embarassed and also I was physically not nimble. I have no shame in getting old, I do have shame in getting fat and not doing everything in my power to course correct, The Old Club reunion is in about 6 weeks. I could at least try to lose *something* by then, this is embarrassing.

I managed to not smoke. But oh, my sinuses hurt from that fog machine. And I have a headache from being up til 2AM. But I am glad I went. I had forgotten how fun it can be to be out clubbing and dancing. Not fun feeling hung over...
 
Closing on 48 hours without a cigarette. Cravings are manageable, Withdrawal, meh...I am tired from the late night, have a sore throst, neckache and started having sad thoughts, which are probably part of the withdrawal. Shit like missing my mom, missing L, feeling down on myself, the usual. I just put it aside so I can try to do some paperwork, but I can't concentrate much. The guy down 4 houses was burning a solo stove behind the garage and the horrible fuel chemical smell was coming through the windows....so I had to put the A/C back on. At least he seems to be done using it now and I opened back up.

Was thinking today how much my recent life has resembled the Great Sleep portion of my life. Time with tv, social, reading news articles and being consumed by other people's agendas and problems. When I started prioritizing myself and changing my people pleasing behavior, I began to manifest a new version of myself.

Not sure why, but I just got the urge to watch Gone Girl.
 
Futzed with paperwork last night but didn't really get much done. I was too tired and had difficulty focusing for aforementioned reasons. Just made sure things were in piles which can be addressed today.

Cooked oatmeal earlier (daily more or less) and just got done cooking turkey (3lbs every 5-6 days depending on how much kibble is also being fed). Need to run to pet store again since that new kibble coincided with KDog crashing hard. My kitchen looks like a sampling room there are so many different varieties of dog food right now.

Also went to town again on the den A/C while we have a cool day. Am able to reach the bottom of the fan chamber with a wooden spoon and bleach wipes. Kinda like stirring a cauldron. I feel less bloated today and so can get my arm in there a bit further. Still have swollen throat glands and tongue, but overall bloating of body seems less. Today is Day 7 (I think) of WSR, which means any day now I can add a second dose "at 2PM". My experience so far has been favorable I am happy to say, the tinitus is not horrible, there has been no increasein anxiety/chest tension, and I think it is helping with both food and cigarette cravings.

Just gave NDog a good brushing out in the yard. He has lost a lot of hair. Need to email Pixy some photos. It could be garden variety change due climate adjustment/food adjustment but it might need more attention.

Spoke with the porch company and the estimator is supposed to arrive in 30 minutes. If I really knew what I wanted to do it would be easier. I told the girl on the phone that this is just early stage idea and cost info.

Soon as I am done with him, I am off to the pet store and will get laundry going.
 
Was doing some fridge cleaning before the estimator arrived. Found a huge amount of dust and dog hair accumulation at the base in the back guess it has been a while.

Estimator was here...Explained city code, also explained that they can build not to code and he will write it in the contract. We started in the back porch and moved to the front for maybe 5-8 minutes, Certainly in earshot of my neighbor if his front windows were open. Suddenly, the neighbor comes out and mows his front yard which of course is so loud our conversation, which was nearly ended anyway, turned into shouting and moved over next to his truck.

There really isn't any justification for his behavior. If due to time constraints, he was in a rush to get the yard done "right now", would you not have hollered and said "Sorry about the noise, I need to beat the rain" "I tried waiting but I need to get this done before work". It seemed very passive aggressive. Maybe he really doesn't give a cr*p either way. I tried to think of altrustic motives, such as him seeing the contractor and having prior bad knowledge about them, or trying to get me to give up technically non-compliant ramp solutions without actually revealing that he is looking out for me. The simplest expplantation tends to be the right one. Also, I just heard him empty his bottles into the recycling bin, which Proggy has already commented that they sure do generate a lot. So he could just be knocking out chores. It WAS rude though...
 
As may have been apparent, getting a quote,for the back deck but not really committed mentally right now, Just a starting point.

Dropped off check to CPA, stopped at Vitamin store for herbal tea, hit a drive thru for a hamburger, and went to pet food store. Got home, cleaned more, turns out Cleaning Lady also has not been cleaning the tops of the 3 picture frames near the stove, resulting in a tacky layer of dust and grime. I made fairly quick work of those with bleach wipes along with the wall behind the trash can. But now see that the molding up top needs the same treatment. When Cleaning Lady was younger she used to be very thorough and would move things when needed, but she is older now and her back bothers her and I am glad that she does what she does. Washing the dog beds and putting them back together is a huge help and not easy...getting reliable, trustworthy help is nearly impossible. So, it's OK, I just have not been paying attention til now. I suppose the more clutter I get out of the house the easier it will be to spot things like that. Also, it makes me aware that 2 dogs back in the house again, I really need to vaccum more often.

Have been steeping an herbal sore throat tea...I spotted in the store. It touts the benefits of slippery elm and then at the end it says "esxpecially good with honey" and "drink 4-6 cups per day" lolol. Well surely if you had that much honey your throat would feel a lot better even without the tea. Chuckling.

Since lunch was a big one, I will probably make tofu tacos later. They are better with cole slaw but I doubt I am going back out shopping a 2nd time.

Think I need some ankle high weatherproof boots for the rain. Just cheap ones with good grippy bottoms, she won't walk far. I just nodded out a bit so going to run with that. The first thought in my head this morning was my house and the words "money pit"; dreaming about the defects and mold perhaps.
 
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Darn it I feeel so stuck! Unable to focus. Not making any real progress, just spinning my wheels. Please let it be the cigarette withdrawal. Raining. Malaise. Know if the tv comes on it will be on for the evening. I think I was cleaning earlier because it didn't require concentration. Well, I don't like to caffeinate at nearly 6PM but I might have a little coffee and see if that helps.
 
Raining, nicotine withdrawals....Just another day of rain is enough to make me feel a bit down. Will it matter if you just kerplunk in front of the TV? Do you have a good book? I would never risk a coffee in the evening as that guarantees I will be wide awake still into the early hours of the morning. Hope you find something soothing & can settle.
 
Hey, thanks Cate! I read a bit of a buddhist magazine, made some relaxing tea, talked to Proggy briefly, crashed on the couch. Watched radar to see storms progress through the area. I kinda like the quiet space with no tv and no social. I also turned out the lights for sleeping to save my incandescent bulb a bit longer. I know they won't last, the feeling I have developed for incandescent bulbs is actually a thing, an attachment; the aversion to LED bulbs is a palpable mistrust and concern.

KDog snuck to front room in the middle of the night to do her business for the first time in a week. Finally - cue angels singing - she hit the disposable pads for #2 and cleanup was immediate. What a difference that makes. Am going to carpet the entire room with them only half kidding.

************

Wrote that earlier, got interrupted by KDog suddenly ready to go out for her walk.

Tuesday

So, walked KDog, she kept it short like yesterday, I suspect it is the sedating effect of the increased pain med as I intentionally held off the intestinal med until after her walk. Darn it.

After, I took NDog to Hpark for a mile walk and then TJ's for a quick stop in. Am definitely grooving on the overcast, spotty showery cool weather, having the house open and quiet, the lack of tv/social, the space from people, the absence of cigarettes and the compulsion to go out and have one, and a relatively quiet calendar.

Tonight there is a free show in the park featuring cover tunes of a band I always liked, Temps should be good and things should be dry by then. I plan to take both dogs and a blanket.

Tomorrow eve I plan to head out to my dads and watch a baseball game. Our respective teams are facing off. I may leave the dogs at home for ease of operation. Or may just take KDog and go straight from her vet appt, though I would have to get a walker for NDog.

Sore throat is far better and swelling of glands and tongue has decreased a lot. Have a minor head/neck ache which I hope will go away with a bit of black tea,

Mucho laundry to tackle.

Chased away a guy who was taping flyers to peoples garages for service and repair. I appreciate they are trying to drum up work but it creates litter and looks terrible.

The sale paper showed up on my sidewalk again for the 3rd week in a row. My local official who FINALLY was able to get it stopped (my attempts were ignored) will hopefully intervene again.

That's about it for now...I am loving this solitude with the windows open, the neighborhood so quiet, the sound of the gentlest rain dripping from the trees and awning. Fresh air, quiet, comfortable, No crises. See Universe, I really don't have huge or unusual needs..,I just want what most people want and deserve.
 
Chipping away at chores today, still feel like I am spinning my wheels, stuck a bit, though I never seem to sit still very long. But I have to acknowledge that some of these tasks are coming from noticing and taking action. Today it was noticing that is was unusually humid in the basement and going to check on the dehumidifier, which has been going nonstop for some time now. Well...come to find it had frozen up, ice on the coils, and was stuck in a useless death cycle. Made a phone call to the appliance store and it really should be OK with a filter cleaning and a defrost. However...that upped my concern about mold growing down there and so I did a bit of extra cleaning. I also washed all the recyclables from the last transport (and the blue bins) while doing laundry. Was starting to see the light at the end of the laundry tunnel when I came upstairs and KDog had peed on the carpet runner in the den. I call it "revenge pee" when she is upset about something and does it in a spot she shouldn't. Not often, but she made a huge carpet runner for me to wash. Walking her after that, something broke - just for a moment. I felt an emotional wave rise up like I was going to cry. My life feels like a hamster wheel again with this house. Still, I thought to myself, you get to decide what kind of person you are going to be in this life. Are you going to be someone who cries, or are you going to be the person who gets over it and moves on to solutions and moving forward? One of those yields a lot more vibrant life in the long run, I'll wager.

Since the weather is so nice I was thinking of going to the free park concert and taking the dogs. But as it is time to leave and I am neither showered nor done with laundry, I guess I will opt to watch the ballgame.

In good news, Proggy received the marriage certificate he needed in the mail today, the one I helped him with, indeed receiving help myself from an internet group who likes to solve mysteries. The county missed it the first time and it was a long slow process to gather enough clues to try again. Even then the guy called Proggy and insisted he had been thorough the first time. But when the paperwork arrived today, the marriage license and marriage certificate were both on a single document entitled "Marriage License". Maybe the young un working at the County learned something new through this process. Poor Proggy. His dual citizenship has been hinging on this and has been on hold for months.

SB also got in touch to send me a payment for some concert tickets. I talked to my dad and made plans to drive out there tomorrow after KDog's vet appt.
 
Wednesday

Up at 4:20 no particular reason, except the end of a sleep cycle. Waiting to take KDog out, after her pain meds kick in. Already unloaded dishwasher and grabbed carpet runner out of basement laundry. Realized that maybe KDog did not have a revenge accident yesterday after all; if I left the basement door half open she would have been blocked from getting to the front room. I will give her the benefit of the doubt.

Still, this constant drumbeat of dog care is wearing. She eats 4-6 smaller meals per day while I am trying to get her latest colitis episode healed up. She also has to be walked instead of simply let out in the yard. She is typically only going twice per day (I try to get her up more) and I think the switch to twice per day pain meds is not necessarily helping, so that is on the agenda to talk to the doc about.

Last night I took some repair records related to my current SUV down to the filing cabinet in the basement. About knee high was a box marked college papers and so I opened it, 25 years since the box first arrived at this house. I quickly skimmed through half and saw a lot of uninteresting notes, and a couple of typed papers (yes on a typewriter) which I put aside to read before tossing. I hope to get through the remainder today and then start on grad school notes. It's funny, the passage of time makes most things meaningless, I did not even recognize any of the class materials of the names of random classmates from my group projects. We remember what really is important to remember I guess. Or maybe my memory really has gotten wiped out.

In any event, I know that getting rid of things which no longer have resonance is an easy way to create space. Yesterday I was reading an article in Tricycle about expansion and contraction, and about making space, which is a theme I have observed in life (although contraction has been usually pretty painful). In real time, making room in the den, cleaning, putting away books and pulling some off the shelves to donate, has made things easier. Cleaning is easier with less clutter.

I am really grateful that not only has my schedule been fairly open now for a couple of weeks, but the weather has improved to where the A/c has been off. The hum is mind numbing.This feels like vacation by comparison...the level of peace, If I am going to remain in this house, I need to move forward with central air by next year. Which means I also need to update the electrical. I need to sit down with a budget and figure out how far I am willing to go. Its not so easy when your portfolio is down and you aren't working.

*******

Still haven't figure out the source of the acrid chemical smell, which I had attributed to the neighbor with the solo stove. It is possible he was trying to burn off fuel and ended up dumping some to "get rid" of it. If the smell is still around after garbage pickup tomorrow I will reach out to authorities for help. It is less strong than initially but it is still around and I can smell it from time to time through my open windows. It is irritating my sinuses. And no it is not from distant wildfires, that smoke smelled more like actual firewood.

Today is the first day I will have a 2nd dose of WSR. I am not nervous exactly, just..well...prepared for it to take me in *any* direction. The tinnitus is going to amp up some more for sure.

Just going to say again how grateful I am/have been for this break in my schedule, for some quietude, for the windows being open. Also for the medication lowering my appetite, which will now extend thru later in the day and will helpfully hope me to break the evening snacking habit.

It has been 4 1/2 days since my last cigarette. I won't say that there haven't been urges here and there but they have been fairly quick to pass and with no cigarettes in the house, there is a reinforcing barrier to getting a quick fix.

It is getting lighter out, maybe I can get KDog to get up now.
 
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Passing time until it is time to take KDog to the vet. Why is taking a shower still the most difficult thing to do without time pressure?

I made mahi mahi tacos for lunch. 1 patty cooked in EVOO makes 2 tacos, I add a little tartar sauce and TJ cole slaw. Very refreshing! Also brewed coffee. Black tea didn't do much. I guess getting up a bit after 4 didn't help. I have to drive 59 miles each way today to see day and coming back late, so a bad day to be under-rested. Am also experiencing a good deal of anxiety about KDog's appointment. I am supposed to give her double pain meds AND to relax her so hopefully she doesn't have to be put under. For XRays of her knee. Out of nowhere I am terribly afraid of something going sideways and losing her suddenly...all of my dogs there has been a chronic illness where we had a chance to say goodbye. And I am super attached to her, as we know.

So I play through my head...what time do I give the medicine? Do I get her in the car first, will she be able to walk up and down the house ramp? Is today really the day to start my 2nd WSR? During the same time frame? How close to the appointment can she have something to eat, the specialty vet said they will have to flip her upside down to get the image...etc etc...also her gut looking a little bloated and feeling firm in spite of not eating anything yet today.

And then there is the thoughts I wrote down to AN in an email not to be sent, or at least not now, but an effort to organize what has started rolling around in my head again. What if he comes to the Old Club Reunion? Or will he fail to show without me there as an anchor. He showed one year when we not together and we had a long kiss and hug out on the sidewalk. Of course I'd been drinking. Anyway...so THAT is on my mind too and it feels like too much mental spinning going on.

Well, I picked up the yard this morning, brushed both dogs, swept the kitchen and behind the stove, made up the cole slaw and southwestern salad, and sent an email off to Pixy about the donations the girl TS dropped off. If I can get those out of my house soon it will help. Meantime I need them out of my Front Room.
 
Well, I heard back from the vet. She is recommending a more customary does of the pain meds along with a higher dose of the sedative. So that is in order. Also she answered my question about what she can eat and when. Feeling a bit more confident now in the appointment and timing of things so I just took the extra WSR.

Propelled by coffee, I got TS's donations (beds blankets,toys) together and pulled out the ones NDog played with and got a bit soiled. I was going to wash them but decided to keep them. I am keeping a Kong bed - good for outdoors or a tent. And keeping a few soft blankets/throws. There are still tons of donations left. TS's donations are now all sorted and by the back door, ready to go. I need to make another push to pull together/sort remaining donations that are already in my basement and then get them all to GP (meetup halfway probably).

Since I got all THAT stuff out of the way, it opened up the shredder and I went to town on a 1/2 grocery sized bag of old brokerage statements, mortgage statements etc. I found the desktop and cleaned and put away miscellaneous items. The entire exercise is such a micro snapshot of a hoarders episode...when you don't deal with stuff right away and then it keeps piling up to where you don't know what you have any more.

Oh, I also called REI to get instructions on how to get a replacement for a defective pair of shorts (have to go to the store).

A few of the documents were my mom's old stuff from cleanup at my Dad's. 1983 IRA statment with the address of the house I grew up in. Notes and letters and tracking sheets in mom's handwriting. I didn't hesitate to shred, since that decision was previously made and quite necessary, but it did set me off thinking about people I miss, my mom and L. Both gone far too early in life. Two people who knew me so well, knew my history, supported me, made me feel safe and loved. When my mom died, L was right there. It was a key period in which I took inventory of my life and made a decision that I wanted to marry L. So when he died, in spite of the fact that it had been 10 years since we divorced, we had maintained a connection. It felt like a huge loss, a huge sadness, while at the same time the self-protective walls came tumbling down and I was left sortof breathless and shattered with the wish that we had communicated more, somehow. He had been my best friend for 15 years and I had been his.

I am not going anywhere constructive with this, so will eat a bit of lun h, shower, and then it will be time to medicate KDog.
 
Thursday

Vet saw XRays taken by local clinic and called me this morning. Fairly certain KDog has bone cancer which is painful, terminal, and usually swift.

Peaches called while I was processing the conversation with the vet, so I put it to vmail but called her back a short time later. She is concerned because my Dad's breathing is worse and she is also having to help him dress and shower. She is going to talk to the doc again about her concerns before they go ahead with the surgery.

The overlap is complicating things. I am inclined to keep KDog at my Dad's house but I will be at the hospital a lot. Maybe better to take her to new sitter, but then it is a big responsibility to ask a sitter to be in this situation for several days where a dog is medically fragile. Not a lot of good options but will take it day by day.

I am reminding myself to breathe through the emotions instead of shoving them to the side. I told Pixy it may change things wrt to NDog but I can't make that decision right now.

I am glad that I already have the ramp built, which reduces risk of a fatal injury on the concrete stairs. I am going to carpet my hand woods with lots of anti-slip carpet runners. I am paralyzed and don't want to leave the house so looking online. Waiting for 1/2 Xnx to kick in.

I'll be ok, I am philospohical about losing dogs at this point in life. She is over 13 and so it was a matter of time before we got bad news of some kind. She has been so healthy generally for her age, the vet is always saying how good she looks. But here we are.

I let PAG know he needs to come for another visit soon. Proggy I will tell later when he is home from work. And I told Pixy right away, since she knew we were going for XRays. And I told Peaches, who was good enough to suggest that maybe I don't need to be at the hospital, just be available. That was big of her. Maybe that is another option, but we also think we are going to have to fight to keep him from being sent home from the hospital right away. I'm POA so it is better if I am there on the front lines.

I just realized that I should call my cousin, she could be very helpful in this situation.
 
Oh, Fiera. It never rains but it pours. You sound like you are working your way through it all & being pragmatic. Sending you a hug :grouphug:
 
Cate said:
Oh, Fiera. It never rains but it pours. You sound like you are working your way through it all & being pragmatic. Sending you a hug :grouphug:
Click to expand...

Thank you. I felt that hug and I really appreciate it. ❤️
 
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