Fiera's Diary

Well, the scale was NOT pretty. 184.7. I will eat healthy at my Dad's to lead by example and get myself back on track.

Off and running this morning at 6, laundry from yesterday hung and in the dryer, with a last little load now being washed. I just took everything from out weekend away and never unpacked it and just re washing everything. Mostly new stuff. I can do laundry out there if necessary. I also left the dog food, cookies, etc more or less packed. Makes getting ready today so much simpler.

Walked KDog. She popped right out of bed this morning, She hasn't used the potty pads much since we came back from the sitter. Once I think. Really hoping she manages 4 days at my dad's without accidents. Might put her back on her gastro med preventatively, but want to ask the vet first.

We had a major breakthrough last night on the genealogical search. I asked for help on a historical website where people knock themselves out looking at old photographs and using contextual cues to determine the location. They love a good challenge. They we able to identify (almost certainly) the church where a wedding took place and that gives us a path to getting a marriage certificate which is missing. We don't have a date but we have narrowed down the date range to approx 18 months. Proggy should be able to submit the request today. Fingers crossed the records are intact and the person accessing them really tries their best.

I am happy that I have this space to sit and journal for a bit before running to the store for more turkey for KDog. Planning to make 4 pounds. I need to pay a few bills. Run dishwasher. Take garbage out. But really I don't have as much to do as I first thought.

I feel content, happy for the moment. That reality will shatter as soon as I set foot at my Dad's. But I will be better for them because I got some time for myself these past days. Self care is soooooooooo important!
 
It sounds like your self care is reaping it's rewards. I hope you can work out a way of lightening your load & enjoying more of it :)
 
Huh. I noticed a couple of days ago that my friend count went down by 1. I was too busy to think much about it, but after checking to see whether it was S or a couple of other people, I let it go and just figured it was a random. I cannot remember with certainty whether I checked for AN but I kind of feel like I did. Maybe it was a cached view which came up because it most definitively *was* him. I wish I could recall whether it occurred before or after my post from the weekend with Proggy. The funny thing is, I was just thinking about him this afternoon, soaking in the tub, thinking about the tornadic way I still feel inside, still unable to invite him to talk, and saying to myself "just like Toolboy, he never loved you ENOUGH". And then I find a few hours later that he unfriended me. Not blocked me. Just unfriended me. Is that because he is upset and angry, that he has passed a timeline where he is open to talk? Is it because he doesn't want to see my posts or because he doesn't want me to see his? It doesn't matter, I rarely checked his page any more and when I did it only made me want to investigate whether any women commenting seemed to be single and stroking his ego. I don't have the bandwidth to let it trouble me. I wish him well. I will always have a piece of my heart attached to him.

The other weird thing is that AN and Jason always seem to surfaceout of the murky past around the same time. I was in my old signal messages abiut a week ago and a slip of the thumb rang Jason. Cr*p. Immediately texted to say it was a thumb slip and all was OK with me and I hoped that things were more settled for him. He replied over the weekend saying I had caught him in Switzerland and he had a stopoff in Rekjavik and now there is a possibility he may be coming to my city, but maybe we could talk first? More turbulence there, more about him seeing big fat me rather than anything else. I mean, what a disappointment it would be for him to see me now. It is better off leaving things as they were, even though I am very curious to know what he has been up to.

Well, I don't have the bandwidth for any of this.

My Dad's surgery got rescheduled for a month out. There was a last minute discovery of a medication which should have been stopped and the doctor didn't instruct him. The hospital caught it in the final pre-op. So, I feel like I have found time and freedom. OTOT, there have been some logistics planned which now go out the window. At least I can sort of continue my decompressing.
 
Whew, it is a steamer out there. Walked both dogs early - short walks - and then went to the asian market to pick up some things. I had sushi for lunch yesterday and it reminded me that my body really likes having cleaner foods. And less of them, in this awful sultry weather.

I have not had the bandwidth for much lately. Physically, meally. I know that the deep diving on the genealogy stuff is a form of avoidance, it is easy and comfortable, and doesn't require a lot of exertion. Plus I like the challenge of solving riddles, for the perseverance required to extract tiny clues and then apply them. Sortof proving to myself that I do have an ability to focus on *something*.

This morning I used the speed game to unload the dishwasher. It is a chore I procrastinate on, and so making it a challenge to finish in just a couple of minutes changes my interface with it and gets it done.

Last night and this morning both, I felt some anguish and loss well up as I began the process of recognizing that AN is well and truly gone. I have been unable to quell the volcanic feelings which would arise any time I assessed whether I was ready to meet with him and hear what he had to say. As I listened to him describe confronting old friends, it would never resonate when I told him that people sometimes just needed to come around in their own good time, and not just be expected to be ready for him on his timetable. Once again, I now find myself in that same category of people who he feels wronged him, who he confronts with a one-sided view of history, forgetting some details and amplifying the ones which fit his victim narrative. It should not feel like a loss, with all the ways that his mind has twisted things between us, but still it does. The man I thought he was, the friend, is not longer in existence or accessible to me. And it is a loss. I hang on to the words of CB, who tells me that my world is getting smaller because I am getting healthier and the toxic people are falling to the wayside.

AN was always game for anything; he was a good cook, entertaining, musical, and encouraging. He was a good listener and he expanded my world. Sigh. It just is. I am i that in between place, and I probably will be until some major shift happens with my dad, or KDog, or Proggy. I remain grateful for quietude today. I simply cannot withstand being in emotional turmoil. It is possible to love people and let them go. I just don't like doing it in such an unresolved fashion. But it can't be helped in this case I guess, not right now.
 
Finally backing up my photos to free up space on my phone (plus I need to get a new battery). They are actually backed up to a cloud provider and then down to my computer already but I need to make a permanent folder and then clean up and make sure they are on the image backup for my laptop.

Was just thinking - feeling about AN again, and noticing how that comes from a place deep inside of me, an emotional core I haven't been feeling/accessing. I know that keeping busy is a way of coping with emotions but it also works for simply shoving them aside. In my life experience so far, the depth of feeling takes a decade more or less before I can think of the person and feel equanimity. Maybe I am just wired like that. I keep most people at a comfortable distance, controlling how much energy and emotion I invest. People I feel comfortable and safe with are few...losing them sucks, but losing them because they didn't love me ENOUGH is the worst.

I also read a timely article today, basically about destination syndrome, always seeking whether accomplishments, people, success....you never "make it", you never develop contentedness, you are always looking beyond to the next because whatever and wherever you are is not good enough/how it is supposed to be/meeting expectations. It seemed to describe my way of judging myself and my life. There is no destination in sight, no point at which I can "retire", it is always about things I could or should be doing before I age out...hiking, trips, friendships, living in a fixed up house, writing music, mastering some skill, being a better version of myself, being a better friend etc. Something to think about.
 
Friday

My single noteworthy accomplishment yesterday was backing up my photso and other content on my phone so that I can get the battery replaced. Still, that was a big step and I have an appointment scheduled later this morning to get it taken care of.

This morning, after taking KDog out for a morning pee in the light rain, where I couldn't let her up the steps due to fear of slipping, I had to practically drag her up and that has to be resolved as it hurts her back. So, I just made a decision to START with a ramp and platform in the front. I have to try something and then I can work on a better plan to redo the back porch/deck before winter. Or maybe I will (seriously?) rent a place for winter, like I have always dreamed of doing anyway.

I still have shower inertia. Maybe it is depression. If I have a reason to leave the house, an appointment like today, then I usually wait til the last minute until time pressure forces me. I have been just so low energy. The summer weather doesn't help, as my skin is so sensitive to the sun now. Hearing myself say this, I really should go out and walk during a break in the rain this morning, before it gets hot. I think I will go take NDog, and then be back.
 
During the walk I started listening to the end of a podcast dramatic series called People Who Knew Me. It stars Rosamund Pike and also Hugh Laurie is in it. Two great stars. The lead character is coming out from terrible lies she has been living. It is riveting and also resonant. I just mean about living authentically. About living in a shell or a layer atop a genuine self so deeply buried. About coming out and stepping into oneself. I don't know where it is going but it is riveting.
 
Last episode...wow. Facing out-of-options cancer treatment, knowing death is coming, she realizes her regrets.
1. You weren't honest with anybody.
2. When you (spoiler) you didn't think about anyone else besides yourself...You forgot to be grateful for anyone.
That second one is exactly how I feel about L, the last six months and during and after the divorce.
3. You lived weighed down with a heavy heart (paraphrased). I have been thinking and never really living.
This. This. At some point you have to vomit that sh*t up and out. And then do your best to make it right and accept that is all you can do. Of course, the podcast story has an avenue for closure. I have none, because he is dead. He died, 5 years ago, and even though we had said a few words of recognition and sadness, it never evolved to a point where we really talked about it and I was able to recognize and apologize for all the conflict and humiliation and pain I caused. I was still so bottled up and self-protective and sad. Like I was observing last night, it seems to take a decade before I can interface with past people without being emotionally triggered in a negative way. Did this happen because I am supposed to learn from it and open up to AN or Jason? Or to remind me to be grateful for and sensitive to Proggy? Not going to doing anything, but I definitely hit on something deeply emotional with this, about L. Time to write him another letter, it has been almost 5 years since I spread his ashes, I will read those entries I wrote during the trip. I miss him. I wish I could talk to him one more time, tell him I am sorry, tell him how grateful I am.
 
The phome battery is changed. I shopped while it was being done and found a pair of comfy everyday shoes and some denis shorts, The book on WWii MB arrived today from the author. It looks like a quick easy read and I might get started tonight so I can pass it on to Proggy next time I see him.

Threat of hail, so I pulled the freebox patio furniture out of the garage and got my car in. Having trouble getting the wheels off the dog stroller so I had to roll that to the side. It has been 2 weeks and 3 days since the poured the concrete apron, nice to be able to get my car out of harms way.

Also got the dogs out and bathroomed and fed and setfled before the bad weather arrives. Both dogs also got a peanut butter kong and a few bits of hamburger and are now sleeping contentedly.

I messaged the carpenter and he will come on the 7th to build the dog ramp/platform. So ball is rolling on that.

Aerosol mold foam that can be sprayed in the AC unit ducts also arrived. Will have to wait til we have cooler day(s) and a bit of time.

Itching to cut my hair off. Need to reach out to the gal and make an appointment.

Saylor called while I was driving home from the mall. She was on her way to the mall to see the Barbie movie, meeting her hubby/kids to see the Barbie movie. I was thinking of seeing Oppenheimer, but I was intrigued by what she told me about Barbie, sounds like it is much deeper than I would have thought.

Baseball game was on, exciting ending. Nice to catch that, good energy. Talked to Proggy. Now watching the Night Manager and settling in. It was a good day.
 
Saturday

Well. Morning walk today, cooler out, took KDog around and ran into this guy walking his dogs I have met briefly over the past several years. We usually just say hi and keep it short and stand at a distance because his female can be aggressive. But this morning she calmed down after a minute. The conversations always stay in the realm of the dogs, what they eat, their injuries, special needs. He seems like a really nice, soft man, average to good looking, and probably about 10 years younger than me. He never has anyone else with him. I find that I would like to know him better but I definitely don't want to be creepy and I certainly was not looking my best. He has an unusual name, I will call him Brie, because it rhymes with the cheese.

Next time I see him I will mention the dog walk meet ups and that might be a way to create more no pressure / no expectations way to get to know more about him. I do know what house he lives in as he mentioned it about 3 years back.

It opened my eyes to the idea of what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone easygoing, unassuming, without complications. Tired of complicated people. Tired of being complicated. Just want to be in the today.

****************

I connected yesterday that the last time I put on weight like this, eating with abandon, not caring and not trying, just buying bigger clothes, was in the latter part of my marriage. It was a lifestyle thing. L and I went out to eat a lot. We were sedentary. I was in a job environment with bullying which caused me a lot of stress and shame. We did things socially, because L was a social butterfly, and those situations also involved food and alcohol. We had a fun time, but I was also disregarding my physical health. When L cooked, it was often pasta, which is also fattening. How I lost weight was eliminating junk food, controlling portions/calories, shifting away from pasta and carbs, and getting out walking and eventually jogging. And journaling. The shift happened after I had tipped the scale at 202 pounds and then about two weeks after starting to eat better L was diagnosed with prostate cancer and food/exercise became the only thing in my life I could control.

It also occurred to me on the walk that if my most deeply felt relationships take about 10 years to get to a point where I can think of the person without being triggered emotionally, then why wouldn't the same be true of my job/company, which was a relationship I was in for 27 years? I had this idea that 3 months I would be feeling refreshed and ready to move on to something new; certainly other stressors have come into play which exacerbated the transitional period, but it has been 3 and a half years now. Maybe it is a lot more natural and organic for me that it is taking time to emerge from all that. I surely have found more of a desire this morning to try again, to rebuild, to have a life worth living.

Maybe it is just the improvement in the weather (laugh). Maybe Brie provoked some well timed thoughts, just as "the concept of P" triggered thoughts of what life would be like if I had a capable life partner instead of a dependent adult child.

Am packing up to take NDog for a walk in the forest preserve. ❤️
 
Sunday

Weird, seems like I lost a post.

After I got home with NDog I made both dogs lunch and everyone settled,in for a nap. I was kind of done for the day for some reason. I thought I might get a second wind but no, I just binge watched the night manager, Had already rescheduled the play in the hometown...Skipped the #2 reunion (understandably) but also the nearby porch concert (very lazy). I brushed NDog in the yard for an hour. The weather was better but still not great. Starting to feel like "great" for me is between 50 and 70.

Can't take my hair any more so made an appt for Monday for a cut and color.

This morning up at 6 again, walked KDog, went to TJ, no walkie yet for Ndog. I was frying in the sun while grilling brats for lunch. Slipped upon the snacks last night but today is OK with a brat and cole slaw for lunch. Hard to get focused.
 
Sunday Night

Another day of primarily resting. Pixy called to catch up. Proggy called and we talked for over an hour which included me coaching him on some tax questions to ask about an annunity which will provide some of his eventual retirement income. Also he was not aware his SSi income will also be taxed. I offered to attend a meeting with his financial advisors when he gets it set up. I think he has done a good job of retirement saving and investing considering that he did not have a large income. But I also want to make sure he has all his ducks in a row and no surprises.

I am not happy with my own advisor's investment performance and need to schedule a meeting with my advisor. The truth is, it is difficult with money spread in various accounts for me to understand exactly what my returns are. plus some market linked investments have not paid out, and when they do, they will pay multiple years of interest/gains all at once. So it makes things look a little worse off than they are. That said, even with the market doing well, I have negative returns which can only be because they made some bad investments along the way. It's not unnerving - yet - but my horizon is still very long and inflation is chewing away, so it is important to take stock and course correct from time to time.

Pixy may have found a good home for NDog, so I am awaiting next steps. Magpie is in Alaska, which will slow things down a bit. I learned we are not taking dogs again until September but at that point we plan to take two transports in one month. One will be from my assigned geography, early in the month. The other will be from the new geography which has been in the works for a while and the dogs will not come to my house but rather be transported to a kennel about 10 minutes from the hometown. Less work for me, so I am happy about that. I need to work on a short briefing to the volunteers tomorrow.

Several days now of limited human contact and to-do's have made a difference in my ability to feel more physically in my body. I still can't feel things very much but for example right now I can notice the breeze from my ceiling fan touching my face and arms and legs, so that is good. The windows are FINALLY open and I may get a chance to use the vent spray foam on the den A/C tomorrow morning. I just want to make sure there is enough time for it to set in for a good 12 hours before I need to turn the unit back on. So, will see how the forecast holds. But blissfully, the humidity has dropped back down into the 50-55% range.

It is a perfect evening in fact for a fire pit, but it is already after 10 and that is too close to bed time. We are on a 6AM wake-up schedule, which is most important to stick to because KDog is only going out twice per day now. She takes her meds at 6 and then is usually ready to get up and go out around 6:30, I make their breakfast and let NDog out while her meds are kicking in.

I guess that's about it for now. I feel like the more I can be physically manifested in my body, the more I will be able to process my thoughts and feelings. Which has been locked up for some time now. I was surprised to find that there is still such powerful stuff linked to L, and the loss of L. I think AN is still a WIP and some of the issues with L also are the same issues with AN (from my end) but AN has some mental health issues which have worsened, or become more entrenched, and if he has closed the door, it may be the Universe telling me that my path forward does not include us being friends. REM lyric "I've seen a picture of the future and you're not in it" has applied to other relationships in the past. I just didn't see it coming with this one. But I didn't see it coming with BG either. It takes two people trying though to make any relstionship work, and when either party no longer wants to try, then what else is there to say or do? Just move on.

Sure gonna be quiet around here when NDog leaves but I am looking forward to giving KDog my full time and attention again. She is such a lovely creature.

Maybe too, the extra space created when I don't have NDog will give me a bit more time for myself.
 
I hope NDog does find a good home soon. I have thought about getting a second dog to keep ours company but I feel that he likes being an "only dog" as he was bullied by another one in his last home. It means I take him almost everywhere with me, but that's OK too. They're great company.
Having more space & time for yourself sounds like a good prospect.
 
Monday Morning

Was so nice having the house open. The morning quiet however has been rudely interrupted by some loud mechanical buzzing noise from a contractor behind the house...oh well. Being back on a morning routine seems to be helping with the dogs. When I was exhausted and crashing early and sleeping in, KDog was using the pee pads an occasionally pooping in the house too. Now I am attuned to her needs and signals and she goes out twice a day and has not gone in the house at all. It helps that her colitis is back in check of course, and am giving her smaller meals spaced out. Am happy about the restoration of order and sanity.

Am getting my hair cut and colored today, I have way too much hairand I can't wait to get rid of it. It's the only thing on the agenda for today (involves a 20 mile drive since my hair dresser moved to her own salon studio in the burbs). I will probably stop at the grocery store on the way home and pick up more turkey for KDog. Last time I was there they were shorted on a shipment of the 99% lean stuff so fingers crossed it is back in stock.

Feels like a reading morning, perhaps in the front room until this mechanical noise ends.

Oh, I checked W's social this morning. Don't remember if I mentioned he recently became engaged. She looks terrific. He made a post recently about always being available to take someone to a detox or a meeting; he is only here today because people made time for him. I know that it was not directed to me specifically, but I also know he will never forget me flying down when he had nothing left and helping him get to his first meetings and find a sponsor. I don't know what the key was, but he was just ready to grasp on by his fingernails and change his life. It makes me very happy to know that he is doing well.

I wish I could know how AN is doing, but I don't have high hopes there. His recent month+ departure from social was a sign he was not well. I hope that his recent unfriending of me is a positive for him rather than otherwise. His case is not so hopeful. W was surrounded by loving friends and family who he had alienated but who were ready and waiting to welcome his sobriety with loving and open arms. AN doesn't have that sort of support network; he has friends, some of them long time, but none whom are part of his everyday life fabric. I continue to feel a disinclination to make contact which is due at some point, and by the time I am ready it will likely no longer be relevant. It is OK. I have to listen to what my body is telling me, that feeling of avoidance and tightness around him is my guide.

It is awfully nice right here in my own little space, with my own company, for now.
 
Mostly love my haircut. The sides and back are all shaved, It either needs to be longer in front or shporter on top or something. But so nice to feel the breeze again. She took a LOT of hair off.

Doing work on Ch 1 of Daring Greatly. Scarcity. Right away of course it gets into scarcity being primarily defined by our communities and family systems. For me, family of origin and workplace culture and romantic relationships. As well as stand alone expectations/desires for my life which seem, at least at the outset, to be intrinsic. Anyway, it is tough work because to get deep enough into these issues feels fundamentally volcanic and I really don't want to slip into any kind of bad headspace. That's the rub, isn't it. I'm also just really tired of it all. Yeah, it happened. Yeah, it shaped and broke me. Yeah, I know it is in the past and this is the present. I think when you experienced inadequate sense of agency you failed to develop certain tools, techniques, and ways of looking at the world.

Will I rally or stay stuck here?

The answer lies out there, doing, not in here, thinking.
 
Tuesday

Woke up shortly before 6. Feeling an unusual unease and clarity of thought for this early in the morning, Out having my first cigarette on the back porch, and the last one of the pack, I decided to quit today - to try. Just start. Just start to try. It would be a logical first step. I got nothing else. I am tired of feeling lousy. Not feeling good. I ate crap again last evening. Feta cheese.

I have some shrimp I thawed out yesterday to make anti-everything soup. I don't feel like doing it this morning but I have to or the shrimp will go bad.

I am glad that it is overcast for the moment. Should be sunny later.

Not sure what I am feeling. I stared at the cover of Daring Greatly. There is a certain lack of resonance right now. Maybe there have been too many books, too many sources of temporary inspiration over the years. Stop thinking start doing.

Other than an appt with the meds doc, I have nothing specific on the agenda for today. Nothing. I am not even taking the meds because they made me feel anxious and jagged the day I tried 3 weeks ago.

Ok so not thing. I have the not so little things like taking KDog for her walk shortly, I'll just try to keep my eyes extra open today for signals from the Universe.
 
Ok thanks Universe. Sincerely.

First off, KDog walked to the front but didn't want to / wasn't ready to go outside down the stairs. I ended up taking KDog first, expecting to come home to the potty pads but there was nothing. She still didn't want to get up off the futon. I got comfortable, took off my shoes, and started prepping the anti-everything soup. Then suddenly, there she was standing in the den. OK! Time to go now! I decided against taking the time to try to get my shoes, and so we headed out. I figured we'd keep it to a quick potty. She had other ideas. Down to the end of the block. I'm kinda getting into the barefoot thing. She does her business there then very clearly indicates she is not ready to go back home. So off we went around the block. It made me realize I haven't been to the beach in a long time, not in the 'stick your toes in the sand and walk in the water' way. My feet liked getting dirty, feeling the sidewalk, feeling the dewey grass. So funny too, I been taking time on them the past few days, with foot cream and removing calluses. So maybe along the lines of being able to "feel" again...Feeling sensations in my feet. How lovely. I'm smiling.

I also finished making the soup and had a small portion for breakfast as it would not quite fit in the storage container. Yum.

The windows in the den are open for a time while it is still cool. The sun just peeked out a wee bit then went back behind a cloud before it heated up the den.

All this before finishing my matcha. Nice.
 
Wednesday

Yesterday finished watching Deadloch and to borrow a phrase from another reviewer, it is a show I didn't know I needed. If you can give a little grace for the overstated out of town detective during the first three episode, they take her down a LOT after that and the series as a whole is so...quirky, intelligent, ridiculous, funny, ethereal, and surprising. As a woman in a man's world, there were times I really identified when the male characters did something obnoxious to the female ones...it is done well and just like it happens in the real world. Combined with the Daring Greatly work and introspection on shame, it felt validating, like I was being seen, because i/r/l if you call that stuff out you find yourself without a job and alienated. And if you don't call it out you suffer in silence and you still find yourself very alone. There is no way to win or even thrive in a system rigged against you....in a system where the system is vested in protecting the status quo. Ugh! How age and wisdom bring perspective and maturity. The awful thing is that I don't know what I would go back and tell younger me. I think fear around financial security (scarcity) was well entrenched since childhood; as was safety. What could/should I have done differently? What was the turning point where I emerged and manifested for a brilliant period? And what was the turning point where I slipped back under the water?

Going back and remembering some of the specifics is pretty awful.

On the bright side, I am about 24 hours not smoking and I also ate primarily anti-inflammatory foods yesterday. Anti everything soup and tofu tacos with avocado and slaw and scrambled eggs were the main features. Low on snack foods and chocolate in the house, hoping to keep it that way.

PAG stopped by yesterday for about an hour and a half. We sat out in the yard and talked, moving under the tree for shade. He finally has an accepted offer on a condo in a western location, within 30 mins. That makes me happy because he was for a while planning to move out of state near his parents. Not that we have that much contact any more, but we are still friends.

I have CB today since Friday Proggy is taking off and we are going downtown to get some records and perhaps have a nice lunch. Maybe I can talk him into a boat tour.

I am wearing one of my new skorts and the comfort feels nice, even if it is at the expense of sizing up. Post shower weigh in this morning was 187.5. I am within 15 pounds of my all time high, it is really ridiculous. Well, only about 4 weeks left and we should be seeing some seasonal cooler weather changes. Fall is the best weather time of the year, no doubt.
 
CB this morning. Talked a bit about the shame work. Also, the idea once again came up that perhaps it is just better for me to get a condo. I confessed that I feel like things have never been quite so out of hand as they are right now, and I cannot keepip. She had suggested I could have Proggy live in as a roommate and he could help around the place. Hard no. I talked about getting the new deck but getting stuck on replacing the siding first. Everything leads so more complicated. I cried as I talked about how nice it was to be in the air BnB. How I in theory have the resources but I just can't seem to make my place nice. That's when she brought up a condo again. Wouldn't it be nice, a relief to get a place that doesn't require so much upkeep...that I can leave for months in the winter and know it is looked after. And yet, I love my little house and my neighborhood and I don't want to leave it. And once NDog is gone it gets easier and cleaner. Once KDog passes on it will be easier and cleaner. Part of my current state is that I have too much dog stuff going on. I also have just too much unused stuff which needs to go.
 
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