Fiera's Diary

Every time I notice a song playing on my mental musical jukebox lately I celebrate it. It is like a part of my brain is waking up a little. This time it was "Ghosts Again" from the latest DM album.

Maybe there has just been so much going on that I stuffed the music aside along with other things....like physical feelings and real emotions. Too busy, or too raw, perhaps, thinking about the interactions with AN last fall. I feel certain that the free time lately is helping. Sorry for Proggy, but I have spoken to him much less than average most days the past week and a half. Last night I didn't even call him, I went to sleep, woke up to a text about the baseball score, responded and nodded back out. I was feeling a bit more energy today, and talking to CB I have to give some recognition to the fact that the sultry weather really did have something to do with my fatigue.

She also made a comment that maybe I had been exeperiencing sensory overload from all the things going on. I'm not sure. I mean yeah, I experience sensory overload with Peaches' rambunctious family and occasionally at a concert but I never really thought it was applicable when it comes to general overwhelm. It is worth clarifying with her. She brought up this children's book about what happens when you give a mouse a cookie....right after I told her about how putting a new deck with a dog ramp gets stuck because I need to do the siding first...I guess it's about the rabbit hole of thinking where one thing leads to another leads to another and nothing ever gets done. She said she is going to gift me a copy so will check it out.

Oh, I tried the aerosol mold/mildew cleaner in the A/C unit today and am letting it dry overnight. I hope it works. I think I will also go pick up coil cleaner and try cleaning the outside fins again too.

We have a baseball game tomorrow evening with SB and family. Am glad that I am feeling a little more rested so I can enjoy it. The weather will be a bit warm but it should be comfortable later on.

July 31 was reportedly the last day that retailers are allowed to sell halogen and incandescent bulbs. It is rather annoying. I understand why they want to move to LED's, but do not care for what I hear about the health effects on your eyes and vision. I stocked up on a few incandescents but they won't last forever. Maybe we will be able to import them. I don't care so much in rooms like the garage I am not in much, or for the porch lights, but in my den where I am every evening I want the real thing. I also ordered a new full spectrum bulb so I will have one for winter...not clear yet whether they will also be part of the ban.
 
Thursday

Wow. Feeling better today than I have in a while. Took NDog to the vet for a weight, then took care of my tire inflation, got gas at the warehouse club, and took NDog for a 2 mile walk in the forest preserve. It was a bit humid/swampy but not awful and I had brought enough water.

This morning when I woke up I brushed out and vaccuumed the inner fan on the A/C in the den as best I could. I was going to do another round of the mildew spray but it was already getting hot out so I just closed it all up. Used a pillow case to prevent any residuals from blowing into room/face when I started it back up. So far, nice clean air again. I think perhaps when it is humid but not hot, the compressor does not run and the moist air gets in there and activates the mildew So if I can keep it clean and spray again when we get another cooler spell, it may keep it under control for at least the rest of this season. I need to do the same treatment for the one in the dining room. Should not have to do this at all, it is some kind of design flaw...these units should not be in a permanent installation where you can't pull them out seasonally and clean them thoroughly.

It was Cleaning Lady day so the house is tidied up. I got a walk in the woods, a real one, for the first time in a while. Saw a deer, a turtle sunning itself, and a ground squirrel. As well as two friendly groups of cyclists ("Good Morning!"), various other people exercising, a family walking, some people picnicking, and other folks walking their dogs. The birds were speaking their approval. Not buggy either.

I think it is possible that improving the quality of the food I am eating is helping me to feel better physically. Avoiding processed and inflammatory foods. The anti-every thing soup, the tofu and slaw tacos, the absence of snack foods in the house the past few days.

Am happy to have a couple of hours to rest/shower and then off to the baseball game later. Feels good to be coming back into my body.

Quite content. 🙂
 
Wow! An article in my news feed says that they have identified summer SAD as a thing and my reaction was "Yes! This!". The humidity, being closed up in the house with the constant white noise drone of the A/C units filling my airspace with mildewey smelling air. The recent skin sensitivity to the sun. The best morning hours devoted to getting the dogs taken care of. This. THIS! I am always soooo happy to turn the A/C off and open the windows, hear the outside world, breathe fresh air, and get so,e outdoors and sunlight when it isn't so hot. We had a nice Spring and I was occupied with dog transports, my dad, and cracked ribs. Then came the "indoor season".

We have historically about 4 more weeks til the sultry weather moves on. I can put together a plan for how to beat this for the next 4 weeks.

Ideas:
Prep dog oatmeal the night before...
Walk K by 7, give her brekkie then NDog longer walk, feed him after
Practice wearing contacts for a few hours
Plan kayaking and camp for Sept-Oct when daytime tolerable
Don't let Proggy derail exercise
Biking (in contacts) - finish computer setup
Build list of fun Fall things to look forward to! Plenty of fests still.
Night baseball games
Evening get out of house: movie, visit friend, Thurs meditation, drive to beach
Evening hike

Plenty of ideas!
 
Saturday
Went to the baseball game Thursday night. SB and family, kids were both in town, also a neice with a 7YO daughter, their first game. SB's hubby's bday, he received a gift pack with a hat and shirt and the young college fellows got the entire section to sing happy bday to him. He was feeling no pain. And our team won, hurray!

It was warm and humid with no breeze so we were sticky sweaty messes. Friday was more of the same. By the time Proggy and I got done with paperwork errands downtown, we splurged on a car ride home instead of transit, then fell asleep and napped in the afternoon.

Proggy had accidentally left one document at home so we made an extra stop at the county building to replace it then back to the church office to request the marriage certificate he needs for his dual citizenship. Hopefully this will finally be everything he needs.

Last night we put the dogs in the car and parked close to a nearby fest being held in a park. Proggy had wanted to see a cover band which started at 8, but after napping his desire had petered out. So we went to sushi/thai for dinner, then went home and scooped up the dogs to go for a drive in the comfort of cool, non-stinky A/C. We drove around the fest and then I pulled to the side of the road to listen, then we miraculously found a parking spot right on the corner, Stayed for about an hour. It was just right. We drove a little afterward then came home and sat in the yard until after midnight, listening to music.

I had a little freak out about the A/C; cooler temps arrived just in the nick of time. Might reconsider ductless mini splits as a solution. It really feels like there is no other path forward. I am defeated and unhappy about the A/C situation and it is contributing to my low mood.
 
Oh! I meant to write that in spite of the heat, getting outdoors and getting some walking (in between using transit primarily) has been really good. I woke up with sore and stiff hips and thights Friday morning, and a bit of the same Sat. My feet and ankles have struggled a bit which may be from recently wearing flat skechers memory foam more and sneakers less, then switching back for the ballgame and downtown. Or sometimes something I ate can contribute to muscle rigidity. Thursday I ate and drank nothing but water at the ballpark due to heat but afterward ate an entire pint of cashewmilk chocolate truffle ice cream. Well that is obvious, isn't it.

Also, looking at watch data, it captured 24K steps on Thursday (I had that two mile forest preserve walk with NDog, plus neighborhood dog walks in addition to ballgame related activity) It looks like I average around 11-12K most days. So Thursday was double and yesterday was over 16K. Measurable effort. Happy about that!

It is 9:23AM and Proggy still is not out of bed. We were awake past 2 last night and I still get up at 6 to take care of the dogs. Not good for me. I am hoping that he will agree to a long walk in the forest preserve today or at least around the hood, but it seems as though rain is coming soon.
 
Sunday

Yesterday ended up being low key with rain most of the day. Proggy and I went grocery shopping at TJ and got Napoli pizza on a spur of the moment. Later we just had snacks. Watched ballgame and had some tv shows and I got caught up on paying my bills. Another cruddy sleep night though, with the tv on and me in the recliner until Proggy got up and went to bed at like 2 or 3.

This morning I responded to an email from Pixy while Proggy went to church. Then we had leftovers and salad for late breakfast. Proggy likes the anti-everything soup and wants the recipe. We went over to the Asian market so I could introduce Proggy to it. I got some tofu and Proggy bought seafood mix, which was priced nicely. They also had fresh octopus! Yum!

Proggy went home about an hour ago and I took another crack at cleaning the den A/C with some dryer vent tools and bleach wipes and then sprayed the mildew spray again. It's soooo nice that the temps are in the low 70's and it is overcast, with the windows open, So nice. SO NICE! Shout it from the rooftops lol...

Making some herbal relaxing tea now. My coffee intake started creeping up last week or two and it is not good for anxiety. I was subconsciously trying to boost myself into more activity/energy, but in reality I also get more anxiety, short-tempered, and critical of myself and others.
 
Took a walk with the dogs before darkness arrived. Still enjoying the cool overcast and quietude, but also the freedom of alone time. Thoughts wandered to AN and a quote I read earlier about the first time we met, feeling like we knew each other already. and the last time we met, feeling like you were a stranger. It captured things pretty well, and I never saw it coming. And I was thinking about how I have been locked up, was it due to him? The clock worked backwards, and landed back on L's death 5 years ago. I didn't see that coming either. And in spite of the divorce and aftermath, there was still a connection. I know and see it more now...those qualities it is not so easy to come by, and I questioned as I have in other situations, whether I gave up to easily..whether I had tried hard enough. And the answer I always come back to is that I did, within the context of what I knew - about myself, about life, about people. So it's not guilt or regret. It is always just sadness...sadness that we didn't know how to communicate...we didn't or couldn't fix it. And suddenly, the feelings vomited up and the freeze in my body dropped down to my toes all at once, and I inhabited my entire body again. So it is L. After all these years, it is L.

Perhaps it wouldn't be, if I had manifested fully in my new career direction, new life partner, new house etc. Or maybe I just never really addressed my grief. At times I have felt that I have, but it comes back, because there is no resolve. Maybe that is why the article about destination syndrome felt right. Maybe I am always looking for something better/different/more compelling to make sense of it all. Maybe I am looking for life to be spectacular and maybe I already had the best I am going to have, and I need to adjust my expectations. Maybe being boringly normal is an ok place to be. Maybe accepting that you won't do all "the things" in this life is what one is supposed to do. Be grateful, be open, be aware and let go of expectations. Delight in the little things. Appreciate imperfection. It feels like I need to relearn how to live and love and open up again. I'm just so glad that I am having more of these moments.
 
Monday

Alarm clock this morning to be ready for the carpenter. I had been vascillsting between doing the dog ramp in the front or the back, and the front won out. Then when he arrived today he talked with me for a while and laid out his reasons why he recommended doing half the width and not putting in a platform. I really don't know but I needed to make a decision and at least start with something. If it doesn't work we will have to modify. He is coming back tomorrow to do the actual build. Now I am looking at options for treads or mats so that it is not slippery. Feeling very unsure and it is a lot of money. As a result my anxiety has ticked up. I was listening to a podcast yesterday about how learning to live with uncertainy is a life skill to cultivate so that you can remain present and productive. It makes sense.

I will head to the hardware later; just had a late breakfast and took 1/2 xanax. I also did not sleep well (again), with the early alarm, knowing I needed to get up and make measurements and organize photos before the carpenter arrived. Then KDog had a 3AM accident in the house which required immediate cleanup. So short on sleep but other than buying/cooking more turkey and going to the hardware, the agenda looks clear. It is still comfortably cool with the house open and a nearby church just started playing music on the bells, which is nice to listen to.

KDog just started dreaming and her tail is flicking and paws moving in her sleep. So cute.

My brother sent me a photo last night of a SpaceX night time launch he was able to see. That was pretty neat. Importantly he is making a consistent effort to stay in touch. I know his world is shaken up since his dog passed away 3-4 weeks ago.

My dad also called this morning since he hasn't heard from me in a few days. Peaches granddaughter had her 2nd baby on Saturday. Her first born was having his BDay party on Sat and he went to that so apparently the party went on without her? With the physical tension in my body it is difficult to muster any kind of feeling about it...or much of anything. Every time I think I am about ready to communicate with AN I always stop, because it will just stir everything up.

Reminds me I am supposed to go pick up meds to restart today.
 
I'm groggy from lack of sleep and I in spite of my resolve to just see how the decision plays out I am already pretty down on letting myself get talked out of my own best thinking. Of course he knows city codes and I don't, and I think he was getting cold feet. Well, I agreed to it, and I thought it could work, so BRAIN, just let it go already!

Complicating an already tiring week, Proggy just bombed out of his first ever MRI and needs to reschedule with a sedative and wants me to come with. I have more than I can handle right now. Carpenter comes tomorrow and I still need to purchase anti slip materials. Jax and Ian are coming in to town Weds. I have a 50 mile each way drive to a specialist vet Thursday and tickets for a show Friday. I told Proggy he may need to come to an MRI place that is closer to where I live. He is very upset about the panic and is heading to the doc office now to ask about sedation. Plus I don't like the cash place he went to, it sounds outdated, dirty, and kids running around etc. And NO MUSIC. Ridiculous.
 
I don't think I mentioned that I had cicada killer wasps establishing a colony next to the newly poured sidewalk and had to have an exterminator come out Friday. Big scary looking things as big as your thumb.
 
Fiera said:
I don't think I mentioned that I had cicada killer wasps establishing a colony next to the newly poured sidewalk and had to have an exterminator come out Friday. Big scary looking things as big as your thumb.
Click to expand...
:eek:
 
Tuesday

Better sleep last night...after devouring an entire pepperoni pizza. Sigh. After having a relatively good day which included a salmon and egg breakfast and tofu tacos for lunch. Well...some healthy choices mixed with poor ones are better than no healthy efforts at all.

I let the carpenter talk me into a solution which is not safe for either me or KDog and although he hasn't shown up yet, my natural reaction is to just get out of this with as little money wasted as possible and start over. However, I think his intentions were good, and his work (building offsite) will be solid, and I have to accept that my deference to his many years of experience is what got me into this jam. What can I do now to salvage the situation rather than just throw in the towel? I still need a real solution. At least talk to him about it rather than just shutting down. Use your words Fiera. And rather than be too down on yourself, know that you tried something, you started, and now you can try something else.

KDog is slow getting out of bed this morning, which I don't mind as it gives me a window to wake up slowly.

I just took the initial dose of WSR and am praying it doesn't send me to the moon today. It might help me quit smoking, which would be great. I was craving a cigarette first thing as always and forgot that I bought a pack yesterday afternoon. Was surprised then to see the fix magically appear on my coffee table. Talk about wasting money...it's a slow drip but it adds up in time. Cigarettes are $18.50 a pack here now, so at say a pack per week it costs $100 per month. Money better spent on other things for sure....like guitar or pottery class or entertainment.

And honestly, keeping busy is a solution for both stopping smoking and eating less. My energy levels have been terrible the past couple of months. Yes the weather has been a factor. The heat and humidity are energy sucks. But so is being sedentary. And a big factor is whatever mental/emotional baggage I have been lugging around.

And physical clutter. Oh boy. If I could just have a clean, well maintained home. Maybe the WSR will help give me that boost to deal with it all. I live in a sea of dishes and dog food (oatmeal, turkey, l-glutamine powder etc). I have donated beds and items which need to be dealt with in my living room, as well as donated dog food in my kitchen. Including the kibble NDog has decided he is no longer interested in, there are 4 types of kibble in the kitchen. Clutter, clutter, clutter. Cluttered house, cluttered mind. I guess working on the clutter today would have some big benefits. I will have to turn the A/C back on this afternoon and while there is still more cleaning I need to try (I have to order bottle or straw brushes to try to clean the fan fins, I am at a limit to what I can do immediately and need to vacuum it out again so I can run it later. Guess I will start there.

Yay for a full nights' sleep tho.

Before last nights pizza escapade the scale yesterday was 186.x. At least it was a teeny bit in the right direction after all the walking I did Thursday and Friday. And skipping the pizza and beer at the ballgame was something I was really pleased about.
 
It reached 83 degrees in the den which is uncomfortable for KDog so flipped the AC on. Indoor humidity is a bit lower at 56% and falling. So far not stinking. Am pretty sure now that it is the higher humidity conditions at lower temps when it is getting activated. Also possibly when I use the "eco" mode which cycles it on and off, possibly that traps moist air inside and allows the "crud" to get activated. In any event I spoke with the AC contractor today about mini splits. The labor he says is actually more typically expensive than space pak. I was surprised. But I like the idea of 'zone' cooling and I have to see if I can get that with a space pack system.

In either event, I need to get the electric work before any A/C work would commence. I would love to get the masonry done. I also have a call in to a porch/deck company to come give me an estimate.
 
Wednesday - WSR Day 2

Celebrating the fact that the A/C was on all night and it still smells OK in here. I slept pretty well last night. Still waiting for the carpenter to message me about the ramp. I want to get the disappointment over with already....and perhaps I will be pleasantly surprised.

I need to get dog food today. Trying to find something new for KDog which is lamb and oatmeal. Unfortunately most brands, inexplicably, still include rice, which triggers her colitis. I might give up and start making her entire diet from scratch because when I just give turkey and oatmeal, that is not nutritionally complete over a longer time period.

I was pondering this morning getting a part time job. It is a combination of mental stimulation, a bit of extra cash for things I want to do with the house, adding some structure to my days. But, I will see if the idea sticks. Most days I am so tired but maybe the antidepressant (today is day 2) is going to make a difference in my energy level. Will see...passing thought.

I do feel that there is an appetite suppressing effect occurring with the drug. I have wandered in to the kitchen a couple of times last night and this morning and said meh and walked back out.

Somebody won the 1.5B MM lottery jackpot. It wasn't me.

Jax and Ian are in town. I will either head down to meet them tonight or on Saturday night. Frankly the Saturday night place is a lot closer but it might be too loud for much talking. Having a wardrobe deficiency is not helpful. Most of my clubbing clothes are about 60 pounds lighter.

I spoke with CC Monday. I like her authenticity and genuine warm laugh. She also genuinely listens. It was hard being around her when her anxiety is bad and she was grasping for more than I could give. But she made a new friend at her assisted living and also found a new church where they do a lot of fellowship so she sounds like she is in a good place.

That's all for now...
 
Last edited:
It was a full day. The carpenter arrived around 10:30. I ended up making 2 trips to Orange hardware after it was obvious it needed a safety rail. First more wood, then shorter wood screws than he had with him. After he left I went shopping at Mature Men hardware for rubber door mats and cut those down to size for traction. That took me a while. The entire configuration is really not what I wanted for safety but I am trusting with practice and adjustments it will be an improvement in safety for KDog.

Thankfully the sun hid behind clouds and while it was humid, it never rained. Still, not really any breeze and I got sweaty and stinky.

Now I have had a shower and plenty to eat, and have the baseball game on the radio. Am tired in a more physical way. The WSR may have kept me going...and also may have kept me from eating much earlier in day. I feel OK for now. The porch/deck people I called yesterday never called me back to schedule. They do a lot or larger projects like 3 flat apartment buildings...much more worth their time I would guess. I need to ask around and find someone who knows someone good.

Scale snuck under 185 after shower but now that I am eating and hydrating expect it will be back up tomorrow. Overall I feel less bloated tho, probably the result of eating less most of the day AND making better choices. For example, no cheese or dairy. Time for a Relax tea and unwinding before bed.
 
Thursday
Good morning! It feels like a good morning. Am leaning into the routine which has chosen me rather than the other way around. Up at 6, let NDog out, give KDog her medicine, make dog breakfast and matcha. By 7-ish KDog is usually ready to get up and go out, then after I take her for a 0.5-1m walk, the dogs get breakfast.

Am writing this before we head out and try the ramp again for the 2nd time. She see,s intuitively to know and want to sleep in extra long this morning.

I SLEPT like a rock last night. And today there is nothing on the schedule until the meeting with the specialty vet near the hometown. I will probabaly just take KDog and leave NDog home for ease of operation. We will see. He does so love a car ride, but I also am thinking of doing a little of this and that which will be more complicated with 2 dogs, especially a young barker.

Will take advantage of the free time to read a bit further in Daring Greatly and prepare for CB tomorrow. As predicted, attempting to work through the book with Proggy has been a failure, nobody's fault really, just too easy to push back when we both have scheduling conflicts.
 
It got hotter out much faster than forecasted. Currently 80 FL 84. High humidity. So the house was closed up and AC on by 9:30 and took NDog for walk by himself. KDog seemed like she wanted to go but would not come get her harness on. I think her back maybe bothering her. I hope it is not from the new ramp...it might be from her being fearful and clenching up. Well, later we got to the specialty vet in the hometown anyway. i'm grateful that the A/C seems Ok for now. It was a bit musty and the house was actually fogged up with humidity this morning, Maybe there is a drain for the dehumidified water which could be blocked? Would be so much better if I could just slide the thing out of its housing and inspect and clean everything.
 
Well, I tackled the dining room AC. Spent maybe an hour and a half. No that I have more familiarity and additional tools, I knew better what to do. If I was sure I could not hurt any electronics I would probably go further with bleach on the fan. I had to settle with bleach wipes and dry scrubbing the fan wheel, then spraying in the aerosol cleaner. Will give that a day or two and scrub the air intake filter again. I don't think I feel like taking on calls to the manufacturer or installer today. They already replaced them for the same problem a couple of years ago, so it is clear there is something wrong with the design, the install, or the intended care and maintenance. Well, I am thinking of central air vs mini splits now anyway.
 
You really must be becoming more confident & competent with jobs around the house. I love that you tackle them like you do. I am grateful that we don't need air con. I struggle with it when I'm out.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top