Fiera's Diary

I am just checking in from the hospital. There is a sitter in with Dad and he was been sleeping all afternoon and evening, after a bad night last night, various drugs which were given to him including an additional sedative at 11AM today for an MRI. The sitter makes it possible for me to go home, nap, or be in the relaxation room down the hall. I only step away when he seems to be doing well, either awake or asleep.

Today he had a brain MRI which is normal so that is very encouraging. That would rule out hypoxia damage. It is also unlikely that he could have had such a catastrophic decline in functioning just due to dementia. I talked to the hospitalist and we were aligned on terminating some drugs which may be causing him to be more agitated. I hope that tonight will go better. I now feel that his agitation may be drug induced, anxiety, hospital psychosis, and am taking charge of the situation. So even though there is a sitter, I am staying bedside and will not allow anything to be given to him outside of what I agreed to with the hospitalist. I drank some caffeinated tea and will walk down to the room and pop in my head every so often to see if he is waking up.

I called his attorney in FL today and the guy was not very useful. It's not clear what to do. He said give it another 10-14 days and then make an appointment with him to speak via Zoom. The social worker stopped by the room this morning and was more helpful.

The hospital is slammed and packed to the gills so maybe my dad will get moved out of critical care to a different room tomorrow. They are saying he might be here another week. I sure hope not. She assured us that things are still unfolding and there will be time to make a decision on where he goes next once they have a better idea of his level of care needed. Hoping that he will have a good day tomorrow.

I planned poorly on food and am starting to get hungry so I really do hope I will get to go home in a few hours. I can probably sleep in tomorrow as the hospitalist is the only doc I really want to see.
 
Cate said:
it was nice to have those last 7 years with her nearby & being cared for well in the nursing home in our small local town.
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This sounds nice. I am glad that you had this experience and time with her. I don't know about your mum, but my dad is so fiercely independent and strong-willed, and he has been very clear he never wants to live in a care home. It would destroy what is left of his mind and spirit, I think. But if it is a nice place and close by, where we could visit him every day, maybe he would come to accept it in time.
 
Slept on my couch for the 2nd night in a row. Out cold. So exhausted. PAG went to his new apartment yesterday so I am back to just me and a walker. It has to be OK, I cannot be with my Dad 24/7 at the hospital. Last night was by far the earliest I have left at 8PM. They were going to move him to a new room out of the critical care unit. Supposedly earlier in the day, while I was out visiting rehab homes, he was at his best yet. OT got him out of the bed and into the recliner for 4 hours, making it the first time he has been out of bed in 2 weeks. By the time I got there at 2:15, he was napping, napped all afternoon, got up and had dinner, and kept dozing off afterward. It is hard for me to keep him awake as I have run out of things to talk about. He is so bored and sick of tv, and so despondent that he cannot come straight home. I think regardless of my and Peaches' efforts to do what is in his best interest, he just wants to come home. Apparently the talk with palliative care yesterday sparked his motivation to try rehab but I didn't see any spark later. He was almost catatonic.

He had a bad sleep night the night before, and I can only hope last night was better. There was a sitter in the room and I imagine that support will be discontinued shortly. He is refusing to wear the bipap mask and rips it off if we put it on when he has been sleeping for a bit. I don't blame him, but if he can't or won't use it he will be right back where he is now.

All I know is I am doing my best, but I am drained, and this is a marathon. I am aware in the back of my mind of missing my favorite weather time of the year, and missing out on whatever time KDog has left, and not tending to her comfort. But. Shrug. What can you do? I am not special. I don't have inexhaustible reserves of strength. I also have to find some ways to get outdoors and exercise and eat better and tend to my dogs etc etc. Two weeks of around the clock is enough. If he ultimately does not have the will to do what it takes to remain alive then we should just bring him home and let him expire (palliative care). It is up to him.

I guess I needed to come here just to give myself an hour of decompression before I hit the ground running researching and visiting more care rehab homes. At least I can feel OK that the place we have picked out so far seems bright, comfortable, clean, and modern and has good ratings for rehab. He will get PT/OT twice per day for up to 60 minutes as his tolerance improves. And a private room. They will do his laundry. I am just researching back up options in case the first choice is not available soon. They are full up at the moment but nothing new will likely happen on the weekend, and he still needs to get a bit stronger. Hopefully he can move on Monday.
 
Just back from a leisurely walk with KDog. She did a full mile, which is good in context of the fact she only got walked a few times in the past 2 weeks. KRwalker will come later today and take NDog. I haven't the strength to give him what he needs right now.

I had matcha and brekkie earlier and it was nice to feel parts of my old routine. After KDogs meds kicked in, I put down food for NDog and left with KDog for the walk. A pot of coffee I had set to brew was ready when we got back and I am sitting with a cup. delaying a little longer the backup rehab hunt. Because I just need a bit more space this morning. Will probably head downstairs and start some laundry. PAG typically leaves the house in chaos but in spite of dirty floors and counters throughout the bedroom and bath are not in bad shape. Goof enough that I don't need to do anything before Cleaning Lady comes Thursday except was sheets.

Peaches has the morning shift as usual and today I will again head over after checking out rehabs. It doesn't take long to tour if you ask all the questions in advance over the phone. I will start doing that at 9:45. It is 9:06 now.

Because Dad is having relative moments of lucidity, I am not grieving his loss any longer. Emotions are generally pushed aside with the business of caring for his needs. I try no to take it personally when he makes disparaging remarks, doesn't believe/respect the things I tell him, insults me, etc. Whether dementia or hospital fatigue or fear, I know that "my Dad" would not want to deliberately hurt me. He may feel betrayed because we are not bringing him straight home, but he will progress so much faster with dedicated daily PT/OT. And I don't know where to start with preparing for his homecoming....when does he get to try going without an external catheter? I raised this last night. Or in his more tired moments is his going to wet the bed if he goes without? Only time will tell but really I want him to start experiencing as much bodily autonomy and normalcy as possible.

At the same time, he mostly cannot figure out how to operate the remote control and he has not been asking for his laptop, which both Peaches and I take as a major diminishment. Perhaps when he comes home and things are more familiar he will be more capable. Really difficult to know where he is at. I wish we were getting more support and information but the docs tell us it is an outpatient testing matter. They checked a brain MRI and I think too you have to see how the patient is doing once they are out in the real world.

OK, time for me to enjoy the remaining 23 minutes I set aside for myself.
 
Thanks Cate :)

Oooh, I got home early tonight. 7:15. Peaches decided to come by around dinner time and I got to go home at 6:30. I had dinner in his room, you can order off the patient menu for $10. I brought my dad a Zero Sugar sprite as a treat and gave him half a bottle. 0.5 carbs and 30mg sodium is not going to hurt him.

When I got there he was definitively doing much better mentally. PT was supposed to come and didn't, so I called a nurse and they were able to get him to the recliner so at least he was out of bed. It's really good I advocated for him, they removed the external catheter (which always leaks anyway) and let him use a bottle. They let him go with the oxygen off (which they were doing in the critical care ward already). The removals were a boost to his morale.

Then, Peaches texted me a bit later that the sitter arrived at 7PM and used the transporter to get him to the toilet! Go dad! That is huuuuuge.

He did get pissed and threw a pillow at my face when I called the nurse because he swung over the side of the bed on his own and was tippy. I told him I wasn't trained to help him and please just wait til an aide came. He was rightfully frustrated because PT had not come and he was in the bed all day. That is what prompted me to call a nurse to get him moved to recliner. But I told him, it is never Ok to throw things at people and that he should apologize. To my shock, he actually said he was sorry to me. Dad is no apologist, so this was pretty astonishing. I certainly felt more appreciated today and am so glad I was able to advocate for him to push things along a little.

I also called 2 rehabs this morning and the one I kept getting the admissions director's vmail, I drove out there and just showed up. I really liked the place and it is closer to their house, so I bumped it to the top of our list. They have a huuuuge dedicated and top notch rehab room. My hope is that being closer to their house will make it more likely he will have visitors. It is further for me, but no matter, I am only going to go once per day so I can suck up another 10-15 mins each way.

I can hear the nearby porch concert and while I am not participating, and I missed the fest in the local park today, I am happy knowing that it was a nice day and the neighborhood had so much good stuff going on. Am going to kick back with a cocktail because I finally can, and then get up early tomorrow to take the early shift. Dad told me not to come at 7, to take my time and walk the dogs in the morning. Proggy is also going to drive up to visit.

Dad is still confusing things. He sometimes uses the wrong word, he refers to Peaches as "your mother", he struggles to understand how to use his new mobile phone. But he was definitely more lucid today.

The way forward is still a struggle but it is far better now that his mental state is improving.

Peaches brought his home bipap to the hospital tonight so they could program the settings and he can try to use that one instead.
 
Wow. Dad was so good today. Apparently he tolerated his bipap most of the night. He was able to correct himself when he started calling me by Peaches' name and when he called Peaches "your mother". He also knew the year correctly. He was entirely lucid and speaking with nearly normal amounts of energy. He stayed wide awake all morning and afternoon until Proggy and I left at 2:30, sitting up in the recliner. He acknowledges how much work he has to do to get walking again (or even standing with a walker). I think he is worried that he will be in rehab a lot longer than a week or two. But I personally think if he takes every opportunity to get up and down and use the bathroom etc, and ask for more, he will be out in under 2 weeks. At least I hope so. He is no longer protesting that he wants to go home, he has accepted that rehab is the next step. And I think it is motivating him to use his bipap so he never has to go through this kind of long rehab again.

Anyway, considering where we were even a few days ago, I am over the moon with joy. It seems no longer doubtful that he and Peaches will be able to make it to Florida this winter. It is all borrowed time, gift time; really it has been for years. I don't know how or why the Universe keeps blessing us with additional time but considering how early I lost my mom, it has been the most unexpected gift to have my dad around this long. Thanks Universe!

Also, a bit of positive news on EF's ex-husband today. It really was not good, and suddenly today he woke up. Praying for his recovery, he has a lot of life left to live and two kids and a wife to live for. Go D Go!

Back home today at 3PM as Dad is watching football and Peaches will head over later. I feel very tired still, and I am not looking forward to driving out there again tomorrow as the drive is getting tiring. But. At least he knows what is going on now, knows how to be self sufficient, how to call the nurse or change the tv channel etc. So I don't need to be there to help order his food for example, or try to get him to wear his bipap at night. He ordered breakfast today all by himself AND he is even counting the carbs so he can avoid being rejected by the cafeteria over every little thing.

At some point I will switch focus back to myself. I have been smoking during this crazy time and want to phase that out. Also, eating whatever presented itself at the coffee shop, which included large cookies and baked goods as well as substantial wraps and breakfast sandwiches. Tomorrow is Monday so that is a good morning to get on the scale. Catching up on laundry tonight and that is about it! And sleep! Noir movies are on later and I am definitely down for watching movies and doing nothing else!
 
Cate said:
Wonderful news, Fiera! What a relief that must be xo
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It really is. I hope that we can keep his spirits up. Last night he moved from the recliner to the bed (pivot in place) assisted with no platform. I love that the staff keep pushing him to do things he thinks he is not ready for yet. ❤️ It is such a morale boost. He must be getting close to getting transferred to rehab now, I have to find out the criteria.

In my own world, KDog is doing the ramp readily and even went for a little walk with KRwalker on Saturday. Yesterday she was not interested. I think cooler weather is a factor. Today is overcast and cool with a bit of drizzle. The trees are hinting at fall color change. I am aware that my favorite weather time of year is expiring quickly but I have a couple of weeks left and I am experiencing enough personal time now that I should be able to get in some walking. In fact, today I will plan to do the two mile loop near the hospital (near my former office) which I used to use for pre-work runs. Two miles is not a lot and it is designed so that it is easy to take on an additional mile(s) at a time. Either that or halfwit woods, where I also did marathon training, The weather will keep the ample mosquitos at bay, though the rain may make it a bit muddy. Either/or. Just glad I have the time.

All the bedding for the spare room, including the blanket, is now washed and dried and ready to put on. Am currently washing the rug runner for the den as that got peed on while I was gone. I also ran the dishwasher and need to empty that. Just house catch up. Last 2 nights were sleep catch up. I was on the couch for 16 hours and I think I slept close to 10 hours. Yes, I just checked my Garmin and it says 10h5m. I surely needed it.

I was so preoccupied that I didn't think twice about missing the memorial service for amusement park friend WW. Old friends flew in for it. But I also am aware that said old friends never contacted me. J&M are the only ones which it hurts a little, after I worked at staying in touch after they moved and even visited them twice. I know they have not forgotten me but rather life just moves on and they have very full lives with family and friends. But I deleted one of J's comments about 6 months ago on social after she made something all about her after no interactions for a long while and it rubbed me the wrong way. In the grand scheme of life I am tired of trying to work at keeping ties with people and maybe it is just time to forge ahead with Proggy, my dad, and the dog rescue community. AN still bothers me, BG not so much. There is a good chance I will see AN at the Old Club reunion if I go, and seeing anyone while I am this overweight is embarrassing anyway. I will cross that bridge when I get there.

In the short term, I can try to eat better today. Last night was a complete sh*t show. I had plenty to eat, snacked on some feta-cranberries-walnuts. But I wanted ice cream and I ended up ordering delivery. I tacked on some food to justify ordering delivery of a chocolate shake, and consumed entire large shake AND a chicken breast sandwich. I was overly full of course, and still full this morning. It was comfort eating with reckless abandon. Today is a new day. With sleep and my dad doing better, it can be the start of a renewed commitment to my own health and well being.

i love love love the cooler temp and the gentle rain we are getting. Windows are open and I can hear the gentle plunk plunk plunk of the rain. Dogs are quietly snoozing. KDog has been having perfect poops on her new food which has made everything easier. NDog still rests in the front of the house all day but joins us at night. He gets up running the minute I get off the couch and there is something in his behavior I still don't understand. Either he is afraid of people or he is afraid of getting stepped on, is my best guess.

Well, that is all I have for now. The relief and relaxation are palpable.
 
Dad was discharged today and is moved into the rehab. Fair to say we are all getting tired of each other. Tired of the situation. Tired of the frustration. Hopefully I will feel better after sleep. It is a long drive and I did it tired tonight, which I do not like. But it also was an unfamiliar route and I will be doing it handily in a couple of days.
 
Ugh. EF"s ex husband passed. Their kids are only 18 and 20. A just graduated high school. They are both such sensitive kids. Services Sat. I had wondered when she told me that he had returned to awareness after being unresponsive for a few days whether it was a death rally. Sad that was the case, but glad at least that he knew that he was surrounded by loved ones. Still, sucks. I know from my history with L how hard it can be to lose someone you shared so much history with. And the poor kids. It was shared custody and I know that the kids were going back and forth, that older one had still kept doing it in solidarity with the younger. No idea yet if he had a will but he had been helping pay for college. Where we live the wife will get everything unless the kids were beneficiaries of life insurance. I really hope that is the case.

It was 3:30AM when I woke up and saw her text. I replied back and will try to call her tomorrow. WTF Universe.
 
Wednesday.
Yesterday I hit the wall. In the morning I felt washed out. I went grocery shopping late morning and was light-headed and dizzy. After lunch I had to lay down. I told Peaches I was going to have to see how I felt later, and around 3PM we all agreed I should not make the drive. I took some Emergen-C as a precaution. I cooked some ground turkey in the morning which smelled off after being in the fridge for a week (though supposed to be good for sale thru 15th). I cooked a fresh batch from the grocery shopping and it also still smelled off so wondering if I have something other than just fatigue and eating too much cheese/coffee/white breads/hummus. I will take a COVID test today just in case and if I don't make it again, I don't make it, though I am planning to go. I feel quite a bit better but not really up for long visit plus 2 hours or driving and then leaving to go back out there at 9:30 tomorrow.

I looked at taking a car service but it would be far too much money. Train is not nearby and would risk missing it when time to head back to city, though I think I will take another look at it now.
 
Ok yeah, a second look did not yield viable transit results.

If I knew his friends were going to visit I would feel fine about not going.

Anyway...

Having trouble getting the email out regarding the Sept 28 transport. Did get an inquiry out to the vet regarding a lump NDog has which is growing. She said it is benign, a histiocytoma, and recommeded treatment with an ointment or spray which are prescription. I put out a post asking whether anyone has leftovers and crickets. So I guess I will have to see whether she can prescribe over state lines.

Am also having trouble getting around to paying the landscaper. They use a platform I don't use for anything else and I always have to lookup the login info and process.

EF returned my call and left a voice mail yestersay, basically saying she appreciate the support and offer to get together but that she is trying to keep some work things on track and take care of the kids this week, so she will see me Saturday. She has been right there every day checking on my dad throughout too, so at least that is one thing she can just let sit til I see her.

ooh, suddenly nappy after lunch, going to lay down
 
There is only so much we can cope with & you sound utterly exhausted. Take care of yourself, Fiera xo
 
Yeah, I am. I cut my visit to dad,"short" yesterday at 3 hours (plus 2 hours drive time). I am heading back out early this morning since Peaches has carpet cleaners coming. I am meaning to pick up some magazines for him, maybe National Geographic and not sure what else. He has not read much in recent years, just watches tv or movies.

He was supposed to be in a short term care rehab wing but we are pretty sure someone was wheeled out of there deceased last night. Maybe it was cardiac rehab or that sort of thing. I will have to ask in a discreet way because it was disturbing.

We also had to fill out papers in case my dad expires, it is state law, even though he is only going to be there for a couple of weeks and at this point seems in robust health. Luckily he does not melt down when presented with questions about his arrangements, at least in front of us, but how his mind works when left to himself for hours last night, you have to wonder. It could not be helped though. I planned to stay til 8 but I was just under the weather and I have to turn back around and go back out there again this morning. I already warned them I am not coming Friday and I will come Sat after I go to the funeral for EF's.

Weighed after shower yesterday. 184.2. I expected worse, honestly. I feel physically bigger and have been stress eating some and felt that I must be approaching 190. But when I looked in the mirror I didn't look like I was 190. So that was welcome news.

I saw an email reminder last night that the old club reunion is in 2 weeks, not in October. So, not a heck of a lot I could do in two weeks anyway. Maybe a bit of toning up and maybe lose a couple of pounds. Sigh. I don't want to skip it. We are at the age where you don't know who will pass away before the next one, or when this will BE the last one, as we are down to one faithful organizer. I also don't want to see AN, but he may avoid it (and me) anyway. We will see. The last time we both went when we were broken up he kissed me on the sidewalk while I was waiting for a taxi. But this feels different now, my emotions are not just sad, they are barricaded behind a protective wall of turbulence (just like L).

Well, I can talk with CB about it tomorrow. She missed last week due to a scheduled outpatient surgery so there is a bit to catch up on.

The carpet in the den smells like dog pee, as apparently the dogs relieved themselves on it while PAG was here. I need to rent the machine from the pet store but it has to wait til I am feeling better.

I woke up at 5 this morning feeling like I had slept enough, but still a bit of a sore throat and queasy stomach. Well, I did eat hummus last night which is a no no. My muscles don't feel too bad though. Often they are rigid after eating the wrong stuff. I worked on my feet this morning as well, too much keratin buildup makes them inflexible too. Funny, but a little extra keratin inthe feet affects how *everything* feels. The Chinese were on to something.

Looks like we are early enough to catch the sunrise, so will open the curtains and observe for a while before picking up for Cleaning Lady. Very grateful the weather continues to be mild.
 
Just received a note from Pixy that the bags and cans of food for the next ransoort have been ordered. They arrive at my house and usually I have to schlep them from the front of the house around back on a hand cart then into the basement. They arrive in boxes which also have to be broken out and weigh around 60 pounds each. I never know exactly which day they will arrive so it is a bit of a cluster. In the beginning I tried leaving notes and asking the delivery driver to bring them to the rear but he never would. Now that I have the ramp for KDog partially blocking the front steps I expect they will just leave the boxes on the front sidewalk. I don't have a good solution and if it happens Sat they will sit in the sun in the yard for an extended period which is also not good for the food. We need a better approach.

Which reminds me, I am supposed to drop off some donation items at M&D's this morning on my way to see dad. Son of a nutcracker. I will do what I can. Still need to shower. Breakfast was oatmeal and a banana. You know something is off when I can't stomach eggs, Gah.
 
Getting other donation items ready to go to the relay person and I found a robin on the back basement steps. It obviously had crashed in to the back window this morning, possibly because I had draw the curtains open. :( It was sadly expired, but it obviously suffered, and that seems to be a catalyst for me to get emotional.

I am otherwise getting ready for cleaning lady, taking a shower, and then the hour drive out to my Dad. With a stop off for gas and to buy him some magazines.

Universe, help me get through this day with grace, understand, calm, and being gentle with myself. I can feel the expectations pressing upon me. Pay the landscaper, get the email out to the volunteers. I need to conserve energy and that means staying as calm as possible.
 
Good morning journal,
Weight yesterday was 184.9. Probably a shift in water weight plus or minus. Really grateful that I am not over 185.
This morning for breakfast I was craving an omelet. Used 1 egg and 2 whites, a throw back to the times I was being more intentional about food. Egg whites are awesome, only 17 calories and pure protein, whereas each of the discarded yolks is 70 calories and includes cholesterol. A slice of Am cheese (70), a large slice of uncured bf ham (30?), and a slice of thin bread toast (70). Unfortunately I did not realize the toaster was set too high so I added butter (60?) to the burned bread.

I have CB in an hour and will shortly turn my attention to that.

The prospect of a day off today from the constant driving out to visit dad, have care meetings, resolve problems with missing/damaged parts of his bipap mask, coordinate with Peaches, getting him set up with tv or laptop etc is chicken soup for my soul right now. I already called him and we should be set for at least a few hours til I hear back from Peaches about the mask.

I still need to get the email out to the volunteers and pay the landscaper. I can't do it in the evenings, I am just too tired to do it without making errors. I did have a sleep intermission the past two nights but was able to get back to sleep after about an hour.

My overall energy level is still quite low. Still, it will be good if the dog food arrives today rather than tomorrow when I will be away for many hours.
 
I hope you have a restorative day, Fiera. You sound like you really need one.
 
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