Well, I fell asleep quite early. Funny thing is, I turned off phone and e-mail to create space for myself. And when I turned devices back on I had not heard from anyone. Granted an hour and a half is not a long time. But it felt really great to be able to claim space and silence for myself. I had not been unplugging primarily because of the need to be accessible 24/7 for my Dad. But last night I knew he was OK.
The catalyst was me hitting a breaking point, We went to the cardiologist earlier in the dad. Dad's weight was up 6 pounds in 2 weeks since rehab..all fluid. He is on a lower dose right now of diuretic which is probably contributing. But right there on the wall was a poster about sleep apnea and how it affects the body's systems. So I said to the cardiologist that my dad isn't getting much Bipap time and might that be contributing? He immediately seized on that and started a tough love lecture to my dad about any time he is sleeping or napping that he MUST wear that thing, it is life and death. My Dad looked upset and didn't say anything but he heard the message. Later in the car he expressed anger with me about it and said that the doctor would not have even brought it up if I had not mentioned it. He won't sit down with the DNR form even to formalize the things he says to me orally. He doesn't want to see the keep specialist. Finally Peaches said what I was feeling, which is if my Dad doesn't want to do the things the doctors recommend, then why are we going through the effort of going to all these appointments? If he doesn't get his underlying conditions stabilized he won't get his knee replacements. Even the cardio doc said he feels my dad is in denial. I ended up going home and not staying for his in home haircut. I knew my Dad needed time and space to digest the doctor's lecture without me and Peaches nagging him. We were all irritated. And as I suspected when I checked in this morning he had made a renewed effort last night to wear the Bipap. And his weight was down 1.5 pounds. Seven years now we have been at this. No wonder Peaches and I are tired.
Riley posted yesterday about experiencing medical PTSD and caregiver burnout. At first I did not recognize it and then of course I did. I looked and there are support groups. Maybe even more important for Peaches than for me.
I suspect that my Dad will not have his surgery in November now. Likely I will just be taking care of him for a week so Peaches can go to FL with her family. It feels more manageable to me if he is not going to be post-op. Proggy can come out and the 3 of us can have Tgiving together. Maybe EF will come over for a visit or my Dad will be willing to head over to her house for a bit (stairs though).
Well...in other news NDog's prospective is a go to meet him BUT the hubby has COVID and the wife is playing the waiting game...so we will see about next week. Now that it is pretty much a done deal I am actually ready to get going. I need to simplify.
CB and I talked yesterday about the forthcoming period of emptiness in my life. The one where NDog is gone, and KDog and my Dad are both gone. 3 key friends are no longer around. First off, I noted with some gratitude how life's wisdom has taught me to anticipate it and be better aware and prepared. My divorce taught me, I was blindsided by the gaping chasm in my life and yet it also was a period of substantial personal growth and exploration. She posed the question of what I can do to prepare? Well for one, I can be thinking about and prioritizing the trips I would like to take, and think about with whom. I can refocus on emptying things out of my house so life is more light and mobile. I can reinforce connections with the friends who I will likely hope to spend more time with, I can accept that certain chapters and books in my life are really closed and think about what I want for myself. I can start getting more physically fit and stronger so that I will be capable of travel, hiking, kayaking, etc.
It was a hopeful discussion really. She says that she feels like I have not let go of being a young person, of having the thoughts and hopes and expectations for myself which might have been more well suited for a younger age. And that I will do well to accept and embrace the "averageness" of my existence, come to terms that my ideals of an "extraordinary life" are ill defined and not serving me. Also my own corollary to add to this, is that it must reveal something to me about myself that I have spent literally years taking care of CDog during his last 6 months; EDog during his 3+ year battle with cancer; KDog during her last several years with colitis; Dad for 7 years with his repeated hospitalizations and mobility/medical challenges....supporting S...supporting Proggy...supporting AN...I get more than I give out of all of these relationships. But my point is, doesn't this behavior tell me that I get more value out of feeling loyal and dedicated and supportive and self-sacrificing than I do out of having adventures at all costs? These are ultimately willful choices I am making. It is not all about picking "broken" or "needy" people, right? It is not all about guilt, right? It is also that there is something inside me that craves people (and pups) who are willing to be vulnerable with me, who let me be there for them, which gives me a sense of purpose. If I was truly alone without meaningful connection, how long would I last? And yet, I *am* burned out now, and need some time to recharge my batteries and explore who I am and what I want.
As usual, I am not unique or even rare in this regard, I find when I look that I am very, very ordinary and human. I am not broken after all. I am just tired and will benefit from a next chapter in life where I am not responsible for another person (or creature's) well-being.
