Fiera's Diary
- Thread starter Fiera
- Start date
Fiera
Well-known member
It does! He is still processing I think. He went thru this 2 years ago...to revisit all that anxiety again is so awful. We already got his resume updated. Weird that I found it only yesterday when I was cleaning up files on my computer.
Also I talked w Peaches about my concerns with our plan to drive south and she was in alignment. So now we are driving down in 3 days, taking our time, and not leaving until the day after XMas. I feel like I can breathe. It will be less toll on all of us physically. And the best thing is that it works out that I can spend XMas day with Proggy and he won't be alone and depressed.
Our vacation plans for March are probably screwed now but at least we didn't buy the spring training basball tickets already.
Gyno done. Car maint and rear brakes done. To do list and calendar cleaned up.
Going to sleep soon knowing I have done all I can for today.
Dad was nicer on phone today, my guess is Peaches lectured him after he was so obnoxious yesterday. His fluid is up tho, and that is a problem.
Also I talked w Peaches about my concerns with our plan to drive south and she was in alignment. So now we are driving down in 3 days, taking our time, and not leaving until the day after XMas. I feel like I can breathe. It will be less toll on all of us physically. And the best thing is that it works out that I can spend XMas day with Proggy and he won't be alone and depressed.
Our vacation plans for March are probably screwed now but at least we didn't buy the spring training basball tickets already.
Gyno done. Car maint and rear brakes done. To do list and calendar cleaned up.
Going to sleep soon knowing I have done all I can for today.
Dad was nicer on phone today, my guess is Peaches lectured him after he was so obnoxious yesterday. His fluid is up tho, and that is a problem.
Fiera
Well-known member
Have been spending almost full time trying to find the ship manifest or other records for Proggy's grandmother. Rabbit hole upon rabbit hole. Missing documents, bleached out immigration cards, obscured names and facts on an early census. A murder by gunshot during the prohition era. And a curious website hinting at much more. You couldn't make it up. Maybe the truth will end up being more mundane than it appears at first but I sure hope we find out more in time.
Meantime I need that bloody ship manifest and it seems to have sailed...
Meantime I need that bloody ship manifest and it seems to have sailed...
Fiera
Well-known member
Sunday
Well as anyone who ever has done geneaology knows, you want to keep going while details and leads are fresh. Absent that, it is critical to document where you are at before leaving off because you may not come back to it for months or years. However, I have given it so much time and ultimately need to press pause, I was determined that we would have this done before year end. But we may need professional help to get across the finish line any time soon. I have to turn my attention to myself, my dog, and the upcoming trip.
I started a 3-day poop test yesterday but screwed up the tube and have to call Monday to have another kit sent. I also started a notebook on the kitchen counter to write down everything that goes into my mouth. I keep have false starts on these apps and maybe a physical notebook sitting there will remind me. It worked yesterday. Not to count calories but to try to look for patterns between what I eat and how my bowel acts (or anything else, like my boob suddenly itching last evening (had too many little snacks to nail down one item).
I also took 2 books down that were in to to-read stack (ha). One is an anti-anxiety diet and the other is called the Free Diet. I never read anymore, I feel like it's because I simply cannot focus long enough to process what is on the page. Which is no wonder, there is so much going on in my life, and a lot of stress. Perhaps that is why I like the geneaology so much, you can just focus intently on one thing for hours and shut everything else down. Well, almost everything. There is this a-ha song which has been on constant repeat for the past several days, after my music app ended up playing the entire album from my teen years...it dug that crying voice and oboe right out of my mental musical filing cabinet and stuck it on repeat. Gah. I hope that a change of activity today will help drive it from whence it came. If not, meditation group will be interesting...
KDog and I were up a tad earlier than usual (5:30 instead of 6). By the time I give her meds, make matcha, take care of any dishes, and get her breakfast ready, it usually takes about 30 -45 mins and then she is ready to get up and walk. But she has had such a painful limp the past 5 days or so that she is not quick to get up...I have to make a decision whether to take her for x-rays to look for osteo again, I will ask the consulting vet today. I have given various massage and a small dose of muscle relaxers though, and she practically threw herself on me when I was massaging today, so I do suspect it is muscular. Plus it improves after she walks around on it a bit and loosens it up. It is just hard to imagine foisting her on a sitter with any uncertainty.
In any event she took a nice walk before breakfast today and now I have a nice little break to casually do things before meditation group.
I have gradually been doing laundry the past few days and am nearly caught up with the washing (but not the putting away).
I have a meeting with the financial guy on Tuesday. I really feel like am going to need to break up with him unfortunately and go with a firm which has integrated tax planning. Today I will work on spreadsheets and numbers. Also get back in to the stuff for my dad, since I will be seeing him Tuesday.
I guess that is all for now.
Well as anyone who ever has done geneaology knows, you want to keep going while details and leads are fresh. Absent that, it is critical to document where you are at before leaving off because you may not come back to it for months or years. However, I have given it so much time and ultimately need to press pause, I was determined that we would have this done before year end. But we may need professional help to get across the finish line any time soon. I have to turn my attention to myself, my dog, and the upcoming trip.
I started a 3-day poop test yesterday but screwed up the tube and have to call Monday to have another kit sent. I also started a notebook on the kitchen counter to write down everything that goes into my mouth. I keep have false starts on these apps and maybe a physical notebook sitting there will remind me. It worked yesterday. Not to count calories but to try to look for patterns between what I eat and how my bowel acts (or anything else, like my boob suddenly itching last evening (had too many little snacks to nail down one item).
I also took 2 books down that were in to to-read stack (ha). One is an anti-anxiety diet and the other is called the Free Diet. I never read anymore, I feel like it's because I simply cannot focus long enough to process what is on the page. Which is no wonder, there is so much going on in my life, and a lot of stress. Perhaps that is why I like the geneaology so much, you can just focus intently on one thing for hours and shut everything else down. Well, almost everything. There is this a-ha song which has been on constant repeat for the past several days, after my music app ended up playing the entire album from my teen years...it dug that crying voice and oboe right out of my mental musical filing cabinet and stuck it on repeat. Gah. I hope that a change of activity today will help drive it from whence it came. If not, meditation group will be interesting...
KDog and I were up a tad earlier than usual (5:30 instead of 6). By the time I give her meds, make matcha, take care of any dishes, and get her breakfast ready, it usually takes about 30 -45 mins and then she is ready to get up and walk. But she has had such a painful limp the past 5 days or so that she is not quick to get up...I have to make a decision whether to take her for x-rays to look for osteo again, I will ask the consulting vet today. I have given various massage and a small dose of muscle relaxers though, and she practically threw herself on me when I was massaging today, so I do suspect it is muscular. Plus it improves after she walks around on it a bit and loosens it up. It is just hard to imagine foisting her on a sitter with any uncertainty.
In any event she took a nice walk before breakfast today and now I have a nice little break to casually do things before meditation group.
I have gradually been doing laundry the past few days and am nearly caught up with the washing (but not the putting away).
I have a meeting with the financial guy on Tuesday. I really feel like am going to need to break up with him unfortunately and go with a firm which has integrated tax planning. Today I will work on spreadsheets and numbers. Also get back in to the stuff for my dad, since I will be seeing him Tuesday.
I guess that is all for now.
Fiera
Well-known member
Tuesday
Busy day yesterday running errands and prepping for my busy day today.
It was a good day in the flow.
A couple of problems were solved by giving other people a chance to help. I put my dilemma about a place for KDog to stay after her appt with the specialty vet today while I have dinner with my Dad/his friends. I was supposed to see EF but her house has some serious stairs KDog cannot navigate, Well, she offered to warch KDog at her mom's house close by, which elegantly solves everything. So am super happy about that and it is very generous of my friend too.
Then I asked my cousin to come visit me at my Dad's complex instead of going out as a group and she said yes. This is my cousin who is a nurse and has been my phone-a-friend a number of times during my dad's health crises. I am considering asking her to be involved in my healthcare, or at least start listing her on medical records as someone authorized to discuss my records with. In a pinch I would like someone in the family involved, I think, someone of my generation. I would want Proggy involved but he is so sensitive I am pretty sure it would destroy him to make the difficult decision himself.
I went to the old fashioned drive thru and was chatting with the girl while waiting for my chicken sandwich. Said I needed to get graduation cards but did she know any place they sell for a buck or two, because other than TJ i usually go to grocery or drug store and they want 5.99 now! She had a suggestion on a dollar store which was not far and indeed I got 2 cards there for a buck! I was actually fascinated by some of the things you could get for a buck there. A lot of seasonal, and some generic brand foods or tupperware or foil etc. Walled around for a bit but left with just the cards.
I also prepped a bit for my financial manager meeting today. I ran thru my dad's stuff to audit what was in his trust and discovered what I think are two mistakes/misses by his attorney. I was angry and and frustrated, but better now than after something happens to him. Add that to the plate.
Tracking everything which goes in my mouth on my paper journal. It is good for awareness even if I am still not in "control". Yesterday I took PM SR (per med doc, we had a morning video call) and there is another drug we will be adding but probably after I get home from the FL trip because can cause drowsiness and I need to figure out the time of day. It is a slow build as well.
I picked up some jeans and romaine, spinach, and bananas at the wholesale club yesterday when I picked up KDog's script. Have not tried them on yet, will do so after my shower.
I need a hair cut and color and a mani pedi. My fingernails are so brittle these days and break constantly so there is not much point in trying to have nice ones. I just need to get them looking cleaned up and not raggedy.
Got the scoop on carpet cleaner rental running erransds, at this point may wait til I get home from FL. Priorities, anyway, I love being productive and having a bit more clarity. It's the spinach (jk).
Busy day yesterday running errands and prepping for my busy day today.
It was a good day in the flow.
A couple of problems were solved by giving other people a chance to help. I put my dilemma about a place for KDog to stay after her appt with the specialty vet today while I have dinner with my Dad/his friends. I was supposed to see EF but her house has some serious stairs KDog cannot navigate, Well, she offered to warch KDog at her mom's house close by, which elegantly solves everything. So am super happy about that and it is very generous of my friend too.
Then I asked my cousin to come visit me at my Dad's complex instead of going out as a group and she said yes. This is my cousin who is a nurse and has been my phone-a-friend a number of times during my dad's health crises. I am considering asking her to be involved in my healthcare, or at least start listing her on medical records as someone authorized to discuss my records with. In a pinch I would like someone in the family involved, I think, someone of my generation. I would want Proggy involved but he is so sensitive I am pretty sure it would destroy him to make the difficult decision himself.
I went to the old fashioned drive thru and was chatting with the girl while waiting for my chicken sandwich. Said I needed to get graduation cards but did she know any place they sell for a buck or two, because other than TJ i usually go to grocery or drug store and they want 5.99 now! She had a suggestion on a dollar store which was not far and indeed I got 2 cards there for a buck! I was actually fascinated by some of the things you could get for a buck there. A lot of seasonal, and some generic brand foods or tupperware or foil etc. Walled around for a bit but left with just the cards.
I also prepped a bit for my financial manager meeting today. I ran thru my dad's stuff to audit what was in his trust and discovered what I think are two mistakes/misses by his attorney. I was angry and and frustrated, but better now than after something happens to him. Add that to the plate.
Tracking everything which goes in my mouth on my paper journal. It is good for awareness even if I am still not in "control". Yesterday I took PM SR (per med doc, we had a morning video call) and there is another drug we will be adding but probably after I get home from the FL trip because can cause drowsiness and I need to figure out the time of day. It is a slow build as well.
I picked up some jeans and romaine, spinach, and bananas at the wholesale club yesterday when I picked up KDog's script. Have not tried them on yet, will do so after my shower.
I need a hair cut and color and a mani pedi. My fingernails are so brittle these days and break constantly so there is not much point in trying to have nice ones. I just need to get them looking cleaned up and not raggedy.
Got the scoop on carpet cleaner rental running erransds, at this point may wait til I get home from FL. Priorities, anyway, I love being productive and having a bit more clarity. It's the spinach (jk).
Fiera
Well-known member
Weigh in 187.4 after light brekkie, Steady, but probably only because I haven't been drinking much water. I got into some chocolate-mint star cookies from TJ last night, box unopened from last transport, ate 2/3, threw the rest in the trash this morning. What a dope,
Tried on jeans. 16 too big. 34 appropriate. 30" a bit long, ok for boots with a heel, 29" would be better. They are stretch material and I am sure the cut is generous at the warehouse, but at least I have an idea of what size I am currently. And on a positive note, a 14 is a size most stores carry.
Did I mention that jeans are only 15 dollars at the wholesale club? Good enough for somene lacking a figure, Save $$$ now and splurge on nicer things when I am a lower weight. I simply don't have the time to look for nice fitting clothing for someone with my current body shape (big belly big butt).
Am thinking of moving ALL of my clothes into the spare bedroom and keeping only what fits. Which right now is a sweater and a pair of jeans. At least the "hunt" for what to wear will be over. My closet is a cluttered delusion.
But for now, I am about to go meet with the financial guy. Hope it goes well!
Tried on jeans. 16 too big. 34 appropriate. 30" a bit long, ok for boots with a heel, 29" would be better. They are stretch material and I am sure the cut is generous at the warehouse, but at least I have an idea of what size I am currently. And on a positive note, a 14 is a size most stores carry.
Did I mention that jeans are only 15 dollars at the wholesale club? Good enough for somene lacking a figure, Save $$$ now and splurge on nicer things when I am a lower weight. I simply don't have the time to look for nice fitting clothing for someone with my current body shape (big belly big butt).
Am thinking of moving ALL of my clothes into the spare bedroom and keeping only what fits. Which right now is a sweater and a pair of jeans. At least the "hunt" for what to wear will be over. My closet is a cluttered delusion.
But for now, I am about to go meet with the financial guy. Hope it goes well!
Fiera
Well-known member
Thursday.
Tuesday was crazy busy. Yesterday also. Today also.
I generally like to capture life details because my memory is so bad and I like to have some sense of what was going on at dofferent points in life. Much is tied to YE financials, doc appts, upcoming trip to FL, dad's legal documents etc. But went to specialist vet Tuesday night and found out KDog has a tumor around her shoulder - specialist vet says fibrosarcoma, she only has maybe 2,3 weeks. And we are supposed to drive down to FL in a week. There are no good options. I will probably have to let her go early than risk her getting a lot worse when I am gone. So I just had to come here for a few minutes and take space to process. I have been so slammed and I just want to cuddle with her while I still can. My whole heart. In some ways I am OK, she has had a good long life and something eventually was going to happen, and I know once she is gone I will have more freedom. But OTOT I cannot even BREATHE when the grief wells up, it is so awful to imagine being alone in this house and in this,life without her. I feel like I don't even remember how to do life without her. But I will learn.
Tuesday was crazy busy. Yesterday also. Today also.
I generally like to capture life details because my memory is so bad and I like to have some sense of what was going on at dofferent points in life. Much is tied to YE financials, doc appts, upcoming trip to FL, dad's legal documents etc. But went to specialist vet Tuesday night and found out KDog has a tumor around her shoulder - specialist vet says fibrosarcoma, she only has maybe 2,3 weeks. And we are supposed to drive down to FL in a week. There are no good options. I will probably have to let her go early than risk her getting a lot worse when I am gone. So I just had to come here for a few minutes and take space to process. I have been so slammed and I just want to cuddle with her while I still can. My whole heart. In some ways I am OK, she has had a good long life and something eventually was going to happen, and I know once she is gone I will have more freedom. But OTOT I cannot even BREATHE when the grief wells up, it is so awful to imagine being alone in this house and in this,life without her. I feel like I don't even remember how to do life without her. But I will learn.
Cate
Long term member
Oh, Fiera. I am SO sorry. It's one of the hardest things we have to do as dog "parents" & I have never had a dog where I haven't had to make that decision. I can still feel my last little dog's final breath as I held her up close to my heart. Being there with them when they die as we were with them when they were alive is so important. You have given KDog such a good life! Sending you lots and lots of love at this very sad time xoxo
Fiera
Well-known member
Friday.
Breathe. Poor nights sleep, probably because of all the food I ate once I fed myself.
3PM had a 1/2 steak burrito and a shrimp taco. A few chips and pico.
Within a few hours a had eated the other 1/2 burrito and taco.
Then around 8PM I decided to make a cauliflower crust pizza. Just a piece or two I told myself and kDog would like some pizza crust too right? But of course I ate 7/8 of it. And I was warm and waking up all night even though I needed to get good rest, I know better. It was just comfort eating. My goals and self care just go out the window. I think iterally the only way I am going to reform eating is to have nothing in the house besides clean protein, veg, and maybe a loaf of plain bread, and some cleanish soups, chicken broth, oatmeal.
Proggy is coming today. I am dreading his presence for the next several days straight, which may be Kdog's last days. I am happy for his company but I have so much to do and consider for this trip and I his visits require too much multitasking, I have told him I need to do some things for myself while he is in town and hopefully he will go out record shopping or to listen to music here and there and give me some space,
KDog is resting nicely this morning after meds and a short walk. I have given up trying to get her to eat breakfast early. It is a waste of food. I will try again around 10 or 11.
***************************
The water works when I think about how empty my house will be withiout KDog tells me that I am in fact still capable of depth of emotion. It makes me more aware of how much I have been living in high stress as a caregiver for KDog and my Dad....it makes me wonder about how the emotions are going to feel once I have the wave of grief of loss passes and it is just me and my life. I am almost certain that in spite of my plans to remain dogless that I will have a new one in relatively short order. I am too alone in my everyday life and I need to companionship as an anchor. I think.
**************************
EF watched KDog for me Tuesday night. KDog had the appointment with the specialist vet up near the hometown, and then there was the traditional farewell dinner for my Dad and Peaches at the usual restaurant. It was too cold to consider leaving KDog in the car so EF volunteered to watch her at her Mom's house where the first floor has no steps and there is a nice cozy rec room with a fireplace. After the dinner, EF and I had a nice talk. It has been such a hard time for her, losing her ex husband and doing her best to try to look after the emotional needs of her still-at-home kids as well as navigate a challenging job, the ex's parents and new wife, the first holidays without him, and I can just tell she has been bottling up her emotions. She acts stoic but she sniffles with stifled tears when feeling emotional, and it was good to hear hear actually expressing her feelings a bit.
We also talked about estate planning and I think I shared some useful thoughts.
But what I wanted to say was that hearing her talk about her brothers, and how they rally and support and get engaged when anything happens involving the health and welfare of a family member, really showed me a different family dynamic, and I am so glad that she has that. For a while there I felt like I had created a family "of choice" and the potential for that exists still - possibly more that I think. I have just been too consumed with my my Dad and my dog to make other relationships the priority.
Anyway, need to get productive on the few hours I get to myself today.
Breathe. Poor nights sleep, probably because of all the food I ate once I fed myself.
3PM had a 1/2 steak burrito and a shrimp taco. A few chips and pico.
Within a few hours a had eated the other 1/2 burrito and taco.
Then around 8PM I decided to make a cauliflower crust pizza. Just a piece or two I told myself and kDog would like some pizza crust too right? But of course I ate 7/8 of it. And I was warm and waking up all night even though I needed to get good rest, I know better. It was just comfort eating. My goals and self care just go out the window. I think iterally the only way I am going to reform eating is to have nothing in the house besides clean protein, veg, and maybe a loaf of plain bread, and some cleanish soups, chicken broth, oatmeal.
Proggy is coming today. I am dreading his presence for the next several days straight, which may be Kdog's last days. I am happy for his company but I have so much to do and consider for this trip and I his visits require too much multitasking, I have told him I need to do some things for myself while he is in town and hopefully he will go out record shopping or to listen to music here and there and give me some space,
KDog is resting nicely this morning after meds and a short walk. I have given up trying to get her to eat breakfast early. It is a waste of food. I will try again around 10 or 11.
***************************
The water works when I think about how empty my house will be withiout KDog tells me that I am in fact still capable of depth of emotion. It makes me more aware of how much I have been living in high stress as a caregiver for KDog and my Dad....it makes me wonder about how the emotions are going to feel once I have the wave of grief of loss passes and it is just me and my life. I am almost certain that in spite of my plans to remain dogless that I will have a new one in relatively short order. I am too alone in my everyday life and I need to companionship as an anchor. I think.
**************************
EF watched KDog for me Tuesday night. KDog had the appointment with the specialist vet up near the hometown, and then there was the traditional farewell dinner for my Dad and Peaches at the usual restaurant. It was too cold to consider leaving KDog in the car so EF volunteered to watch her at her Mom's house where the first floor has no steps and there is a nice cozy rec room with a fireplace. After the dinner, EF and I had a nice talk. It has been such a hard time for her, losing her ex husband and doing her best to try to look after the emotional needs of her still-at-home kids as well as navigate a challenging job, the ex's parents and new wife, the first holidays without him, and I can just tell she has been bottling up her emotions. She acts stoic but she sniffles with stifled tears when feeling emotional, and it was good to hear hear actually expressing her feelings a bit.
We also talked about estate planning and I think I shared some useful thoughts.
But what I wanted to say was that hearing her talk about her brothers, and how they rally and support and get engaged when anything happens involving the health and welfare of a family member, really showed me a different family dynamic, and I am so glad that she has that. For a while there I felt like I had created a family "of choice" and the potential for that exists still - possibly more that I think. I have just been too consumed with my my Dad and my dog to make other relationships the priority.
Anyway, need to get productive on the few hours I get to myself today.
Fiera
Well-known member
Proggy and I met his friend at the Christmas market yesterday. I tried to wrap up the the trust audit and then the roth conversion and spendtime w kdog. Sent the girl from the national archive info/docs and begged her to try again.
It was raining at the market so we ended up sitting indoors. Dad called and reported weigh gain not good for someone about to go to FL on a 3 day drive and not see a doc for 3 months. Said friend the drove up to my place then he and Proggy went out for an hour while I paid bills. I was so tired. Then the roof leaked again right as friend was leaving. Right on all my paperwork on the coffee table. What else could happen.
Went up into the attic but my flashlight decided not to work. I will have to go up there in the morning because more rain is expected.
Then KDog woke me up a few times tonight and then kept me up with panting. I tried to figure out what was wrong...bringing water, prompting about food or medicine or toileting. In the end she got up and peed missing the pee pads and then also going #2 in her bed. And I am not getting any sleep with this potential road trip looming. I lost it in tears but regrouped. At least she is quiet now.
Of course I cannot just lean on Proggy because he is struggling with his upcoming job loss as well as the impending loss of KDog.
So just getting it out here.
It was raining at the market so we ended up sitting indoors. Dad called and reported weigh gain not good for someone about to go to FL on a 3 day drive and not see a doc for 3 months. Said friend the drove up to my place then he and Proggy went out for an hour while I paid bills. I was so tired. Then the roof leaked again right as friend was leaving. Right on all my paperwork on the coffee table. What else could happen.
Went up into the attic but my flashlight decided not to work. I will have to go up there in the morning because more rain is expected.
Then KDog woke me up a few times tonight and then kept me up with panting. I tried to figure out what was wrong...bringing water, prompting about food or medicine or toileting. In the end she got up and peed missing the pee pads and then also going #2 in her bed. And I am not getting any sleep with this potential road trip looming. I lost it in tears but regrouped. At least she is quiet now.
Of course I cannot just lean on Proggy because he is struggling with his upcoming job loss as well as the impending loss of KDog.
So just getting it out here.
Fiera
Well-known member
Monday. Christmas.
The last few days have not been merry. I gave up trying to be there for Proggy. I called Peaches in tears about the weight of leaving KDog while I went on this trip. I talked to Pixy. I spoke with the consulting doc.
The limp has gotten worse. I think the "good" foot in the front is nearing the brunt of the hobbling. Yesterday she took two quick breaks and one two block walk with Proggy and PAG during which the limp never fully let go. She started to hesitate to go down the ramp. This morning the same, she didn't eat; twice I have gotten her up and she heads towards the kitchen and gives up and goes and lays down. I was told by the vet that I can increase the frequency of methocarbamol to 3x per day so going to try that, If she is not ambulating better by late afternoon then I think I have no choice but to stay home and make the arrangements for the vet. She is snoozing Ok. I don't know if she is just disoriented from the Amamtadine or if it's the pain or discoordination that is making her just lay back down.
It's not like she is entirely miserable...but the good moments and not so good are starting to feel a lot more equal. I will see how she is doing later. Meantime, I continue to prepare both of us for travel until Thursday. Sent Proggy home a little wh
[never finished post because Proggy got up...]
The last few days have not been merry. I gave up trying to be there for Proggy. I called Peaches in tears about the weight of leaving KDog while I went on this trip. I talked to Pixy. I spoke with the consulting doc.
The limp has gotten worse. I think the "good" foot in the front is nearing the brunt of the hobbling. Yesterday she took two quick breaks and one two block walk with Proggy and PAG during which the limp never fully let go. She started to hesitate to go down the ramp. This morning the same, she didn't eat; twice I have gotten her up and she heads towards the kitchen and gives up and goes and lays down. I was told by the vet that I can increase the frequency of methocarbamol to 3x per day so going to try that, If she is not ambulating better by late afternoon then I think I have no choice but to stay home and make the arrangements for the vet. She is snoozing Ok. I don't know if she is just disoriented from the Amamtadine or if it's the pain or discoordination that is making her just lay back down.
It's not like she is entirely miserable...but the good moments and not so good are starting to feel a lot more equal. I will see how she is doing later. Meantime, I continue to prepare both of us for travel until Thursday. Sent Proggy home a little wh
[never finished post because Proggy got up...]
Fiera
Well-known member
Tuesday
Whelp, the trip is postponed until Saturday. We will be on the road for New Years' Eve. Oh well. The last time I spent NYE in FL was miserable, it was the year I had gone to KC for the weekendand gotten W out of a death spiral and into a Program after Thanksgiving, and was supposed to spend the NY with him. But I had to cancel because my Dad ended up in the hospital in FL on Christmas Day while DS was away and I was still there helping on NY. I watched the clock strike in multiple time zones while I walked around the complex with rekindled feeling and sad tears knowing he was out with someone else. It was fun.
So this NYE will likely be spent in a hotel in Georgia. I feel extra bad that Proggy will be alone, as his depression has kicked in hard with the holidays, losing his job, and now losing KDog. He had made some plans for us with another couple for NYE and will have to see what he is able to do. I just reached out to the comsulting vet to see if she will do KDog's euthanasia on Thursday (or after) else I will have the home vet come on Thursday. It is all such terrible timing.
At least we had a nice time at Proggy's last night. We had leftover seafood paella and salads for dinner, had the fireplace going, and watched Scrooge. It was a good ending to what had been several difficult days watching KDog struggle and trying to make a decision on her condition and whether she could do Ok at the sitter while I drove my dad to FL. In tears, around 2PM I called off the trip. I called Peaches, not my Dad, and she offered support and empathy even amidst frustration about the situation. My Dad I knew would only be able to feel sorry for himself that his trip was delayed, and I thanked her for her help in acting as a buffer with him.
So now I just wait to hear back from the consulting vet and get things scheduled.
In a way the coming to certainty is a relief and and exhale. I will spoil KDog these last couple of days and then start the journey towards rebuilding.
Helpful was the fact that in spite of all the Christmas rain yesterday, when I got home the roof had not leaked into the den again. The leak on Friday after so many monthe of not having an issue, really sent me into a place of anxiety and fear. I went up in the attic Saturday with Proggy for moral support and found that the turkey pan had entirely filled with water and overflowed. We got it emptied and cleaned up and since even after a harder rain last night it did not leak, I can go up there and check on it later today and see how much it filled up again.
KDog is knocked out from her increased pain meds and it makes me happy to still have her comfortsably sleeping nearby in her bed. When I think ahead to how empty and alone I will feel in this house it is pretty terrifying...the anxiety comes back and feels like absolute freefall. So I might as well think about my plan for handling it. Get out of the house. Seek company. Stay busy cleaning up the house. Take a trip with Proggy. We are leaning on each other more and will need each other. Celebrate KDog's beautiful life. And I probably will fill it with another dog sooner rather than later. But possibly not until after I get to Ireland and visit my friend there. Let the pain and grief happen but at least try to see if I can live without a pup of my own for a while. Maybe foster for a bit instead of committing. We will see. Mostly just listen to my heart.
Whelp, the trip is postponed until Saturday. We will be on the road for New Years' Eve. Oh well. The last time I spent NYE in FL was miserable, it was the year I had gone to KC for the weekendand gotten W out of a death spiral and into a Program after Thanksgiving, and was supposed to spend the NY with him. But I had to cancel because my Dad ended up in the hospital in FL on Christmas Day while DS was away and I was still there helping on NY. I watched the clock strike in multiple time zones while I walked around the complex with rekindled feeling and sad tears knowing he was out with someone else. It was fun.
So this NYE will likely be spent in a hotel in Georgia. I feel extra bad that Proggy will be alone, as his depression has kicked in hard with the holidays, losing his job, and now losing KDog. He had made some plans for us with another couple for NYE and will have to see what he is able to do. I just reached out to the comsulting vet to see if she will do KDog's euthanasia on Thursday (or after) else I will have the home vet come on Thursday. It is all such terrible timing.
At least we had a nice time at Proggy's last night. We had leftover seafood paella and salads for dinner, had the fireplace going, and watched Scrooge. It was a good ending to what had been several difficult days watching KDog struggle and trying to make a decision on her condition and whether she could do Ok at the sitter while I drove my dad to FL. In tears, around 2PM I called off the trip. I called Peaches, not my Dad, and she offered support and empathy even amidst frustration about the situation. My Dad I knew would only be able to feel sorry for himself that his trip was delayed, and I thanked her for her help in acting as a buffer with him.
So now I just wait to hear back from the consulting vet and get things scheduled.
In a way the coming to certainty is a relief and and exhale. I will spoil KDog these last couple of days and then start the journey towards rebuilding.
Helpful was the fact that in spite of all the Christmas rain yesterday, when I got home the roof had not leaked into the den again. The leak on Friday after so many monthe of not having an issue, really sent me into a place of anxiety and fear. I went up in the attic Saturday with Proggy for moral support and found that the turkey pan had entirely filled with water and overflowed. We got it emptied and cleaned up and since even after a harder rain last night it did not leak, I can go up there and check on it later today and see how much it filled up again.
KDog is knocked out from her increased pain meds and it makes me happy to still have her comfortsably sleeping nearby in her bed. When I think ahead to how empty and alone I will feel in this house it is pretty terrifying...the anxiety comes back and feels like absolute freefall. So I might as well think about my plan for handling it. Get out of the house. Seek company. Stay busy cleaning up the house. Take a trip with Proggy. We are leaning on each other more and will need each other. Celebrate KDog's beautiful life. And I probably will fill it with another dog sooner rather than later. But possibly not until after I get to Ireland and visit my friend there. Let the pain and grief happen but at least try to see if I can live without a pup of my own for a while. Maybe foster for a bit instead of committing. We will see. Mostly just listen to my heart.
Fiera
Well-known member
Thank you Cate. 
Wednesday
Well, today is the day. KDog is no longer able to ambulate on that leg and wants to lay down the moment she stands on it. The hospice vet is coming at 5PM. They did not have any openings earlier so the dreaded day of waiting is our fate. She otherwise is in such robust health still for her age. I am glad that Saturday we took her up to the kennel with Proggy - it is such a happy place and she got in lots of sniffs, then we had a little walk up and down the main street of the hometown. I knew that we were trending towards the inevitable but she was still OK enough then...the cancer has just progressed more rapidly than I could have imagined. It does make the decision to postpone the trip and to schedule the hospice vet seem more natural and unforced - for which I am grateful. She seems calm and relaxed, and I don't know if this is because she understands what is happening or because she really has no clue that the doc is coming today and she will be leaving this life and me. I really don't think she is ready...she reminds me so much my first dog, with L, who was so poorly and then when we took her to the vet she struggled with all her will to stay with us...they had to give her a second dose of the anesthetic. I pray that KDog is more ready to let go than I actually think that she is. If she struggles it will be so much harder.
I go through periods of okay-ness (for her sake and Proggy's, as well as myself) punctuated by deep, deep grief. This dog has every ounce of my heart. I don't know how to do life without her. This is the hardest thing about love. And yet, with dogs at least you know there will be another one. With people, as you get older, they aren't easy to replace. One gets tired of loss, tired of being alone, tired of not being able to fix the problems with one's house. This is an inflection point for sure, and while I will survive, with the freedom I am about to experience it will be in my best interest to set my sights on what I need to do to thrive again. I am far too young to give up and resign myself to being alone and lonely in this life.
Wednesday
Well, today is the day. KDog is no longer able to ambulate on that leg and wants to lay down the moment she stands on it. The hospice vet is coming at 5PM. They did not have any openings earlier so the dreaded day of waiting is our fate. She otherwise is in such robust health still for her age. I am glad that Saturday we took her up to the kennel with Proggy - it is such a happy place and she got in lots of sniffs, then we had a little walk up and down the main street of the hometown. I knew that we were trending towards the inevitable but she was still OK enough then...the cancer has just progressed more rapidly than I could have imagined. It does make the decision to postpone the trip and to schedule the hospice vet seem more natural and unforced - for which I am grateful. She seems calm and relaxed, and I don't know if this is because she understands what is happening or because she really has no clue that the doc is coming today and she will be leaving this life and me. I really don't think she is ready...she reminds me so much my first dog, with L, who was so poorly and then when we took her to the vet she struggled with all her will to stay with us...they had to give her a second dose of the anesthetic. I pray that KDog is more ready to let go than I actually think that she is. If she struggles it will be so much harder.
I go through periods of okay-ness (for her sake and Proggy's, as well as myself) punctuated by deep, deep grief. This dog has every ounce of my heart. I don't know how to do life without her. This is the hardest thing about love. And yet, with dogs at least you know there will be another one. With people, as you get older, they aren't easy to replace. One gets tired of loss, tired of being alone, tired of not being able to fix the problems with one's house. This is an inflection point for sure, and while I will survive, with the freedom I am about to experience it will be in my best interest to set my sights on what I need to do to thrive again. I am far too young to give up and resign myself to being alone and lonely in this life.
Fiera
Well-known member
It's done. The awful-beautiful process of letting go at home.
I feel quiet. Possibly the Xanax I used to try to stay relaxed around her as much as possible.
KDog didn't want to leave. She wasn't ready to go. Her body had other plans however and she couldn't walk any more, even with the extra painkillers she had today. I was hoping it might help her take one more walk or car ride today. We settled for meals with bacon, hamburger, and hot dog bits mixed in her usual kibble and turkey. There was peanut butter and TWO pup cups, including one just before the vet came. Even though she was sedated, she still wanted that ice cream, her tongue just linger longer than usual with each lick. And cuddles and kisses and telling her how beautiful a soul she was and how grateful I am that I got to be her mommy.
It sucks that she wasn't ready. I will say that. My other pups somewhere in the process have had a moment of release, of resignation and acceptance, where they suddenly let go and relax. She never did. It will always bother me, even knowing that I did the right thing by not dragging things out. Beautiful girl, I hope you are at peace now.
The emptiness of the house has not hit me yet. There is a feeling on some peace knowing that I gave so much to this dog as she aged, nurturing and providing companionship just as she did for me. And peace of knowing that for now there is a needed break in the nurturing and caretaking that between my dog, my dad, and friends, has consumed much of my life and freedom in the last few years.
I'll give an update on my dad in another post. Tonight is for me to process, rest, and grieve as it happens upon me.
RIP sweet KDog. You were one in a million. The best dog EVER. Peanut, Boo Boo, Booberry...I love you more than Peanut Butter.
I feel quiet. Possibly the Xanax I used to try to stay relaxed around her as much as possible.
KDog didn't want to leave. She wasn't ready to go. Her body had other plans however and she couldn't walk any more, even with the extra painkillers she had today. I was hoping it might help her take one more walk or car ride today. We settled for meals with bacon, hamburger, and hot dog bits mixed in her usual kibble and turkey. There was peanut butter and TWO pup cups, including one just before the vet came. Even though she was sedated, she still wanted that ice cream, her tongue just linger longer than usual with each lick. And cuddles and kisses and telling her how beautiful a soul she was and how grateful I am that I got to be her mommy.
It sucks that she wasn't ready. I will say that. My other pups somewhere in the process have had a moment of release, of resignation and acceptance, where they suddenly let go and relax. She never did. It will always bother me, even knowing that I did the right thing by not dragging things out. Beautiful girl, I hope you are at peace now.
The emptiness of the house has not hit me yet. There is a feeling on some peace knowing that I gave so much to this dog as she aged, nurturing and providing companionship just as she did for me. And peace of knowing that for now there is a needed break in the nurturing and caretaking that between my dog, my dad, and friends, has consumed much of my life and freedom in the last few years.
I'll give an update on my dad in another post. Tonight is for me to process, rest, and grieve as it happens upon me.
RIP sweet KDog. You were one in a million. The best dog EVER. Peanut, Boo Boo, Booberry...I love you more than Peanut Butter.
Fiera
Well-known member
Thursday
I slept like the dead. Woke up not to the shock of realization, but a comfortable quiet. I think perhaps because the caretaking has gone on for so long now, there is a sense of ok, I am now exeperiencing life without constant vigilance/attendance to another living being. I woke up at 6:15 and would have immediately leapt up to give her pain meds and start making matcha. Today I laid here and did the wordle and just woke up slowly. A new life without pee pads and pee accidents. A chance to start over on my health and fitness and an impetus to clear and clean more in the house.
Still...I will miss having the companionship very much. KDog was an adventurer, and helped me explore the forest preserves, go camping without other humans, etc. I will have to work on filling that time and space with humans now. And humans are, well, complicated and draining, and difficult to form meaningful bonds with. But it will be good for me to try.
I have been neglecting my weight and eating holiday junk the past week or so. So much tension is released it will be easier to focus on myself.
I slept like the dead. Woke up not to the shock of realization, but a comfortable quiet. I think perhaps because the caretaking has gone on for so long now, there is a sense of ok, I am now exeperiencing life without constant vigilance/attendance to another living being. I woke up at 6:15 and would have immediately leapt up to give her pain meds and start making matcha. Today I laid here and did the wordle and just woke up slowly. A new life without pee pads and pee accidents. A chance to start over on my health and fitness and an impetus to clear and clean more in the house.
Still...I will miss having the companionship very much. KDog was an adventurer, and helped me explore the forest preserves, go camping without other humans, etc. I will have to work on filling that time and space with humans now. And humans are, well, complicated and draining, and difficult to form meaningful bonds with. But it will be good for me to try.
I have been neglecting my weight and eating holiday junk the past week or so. So much tension is released it will be easier to focus on myself.
Fiera
Well-known member
I tried to write some kind of euology to communicate the news and I can't do it. Not at least right now. The hard part was that, other than the stupid tumor she still wanted to live life....she was robust in health, in fantastic shape for over 13 years old, still smart, still determined, still emphatic, still beautiful. She wasn't frail. This is the second of six dogs I had that in spite of terribly difficult conditions still did not want to go. She loved me and she loved life and it is just so terribly terribly sad. I miss her, but I can breathe. I did a lot of grieving before she died perhaps. I still feel her presence in so many ways too, it permeates my existence and my home.
Even the exercises this morning have been OK, if somewhat reflexive. Toss out all the ratty dog toys, keep a few salvageable ones and wash them for the fosters...put aside her favorite rooster toy because...tear burst...I can vividly see her playing with it. Even as recently as last week, a large teddy bear donated today had become her toy of choice, she would still meet me at the door with it in her mouth and flip it in the air and pounce on it...wonky and wobbly, but still playful.
I tend to think that the two fosters I took in during the last year (DDog and NDog) helped her stay young. She was the queen, and she maintained her place in the household, But they also provided some energy and diversion. She and DDog would walk together last winter, she upping her efforts to stay in the lead. Later with NDog, it was too hard to for to keep a pace, and thus they were walked separately. But Ndog's squeaky toy excitement was contagious and once the donated bag of toys became absorbed into the household (because NDog took them all out of the trash bag they came in), KDog followed his lead and resumed the ritual of squeaking a toy with joy and excitement whenever I came home,
My Dad's last hospitalization was the beginning of the end of the good times. The 3 weeks I spent virtually full time at the hospital were hard on everyone and PAG did his best but it was rough. I had to let NDog go to home, it just was not to be. KDog found it increasingly stressful to be left home alone, and I still feel that her intermittent deafness was brought on by nerve medicine and made it extremely difficult for her to tolerate being left for any period of time.
In the midst of all this, caretaking for my Dad has also been a taxing. Not wonder I am feeling quiet calm (punctuated by tear bursts). No wonder I have not been an,e to properly process thoughts and feelings about AN or Proggy or stay connected with friends. No wonder I have found it challenging to meditate or connect with my feelings. Because so much bandwidth was really consumed by the "musts"...must give pills, get pills, get more peanut butter or turkey, or clean up the pads or wash rugs, go to the vet, or whatever. Or stay limit time away or structure activities around having KDog in the car. She has been ever present in a way that a lot of people would never engage with their dogs. But she was almost human, so smart, so empathic, she was my child...and what mother would not do all of these things for her child?
Even the exercises this morning have been OK, if somewhat reflexive. Toss out all the ratty dog toys, keep a few salvageable ones and wash them for the fosters...put aside her favorite rooster toy because...tear burst...I can vividly see her playing with it. Even as recently as last week, a large teddy bear donated today had become her toy of choice, she would still meet me at the door with it in her mouth and flip it in the air and pounce on it...wonky and wobbly, but still playful.
I tend to think that the two fosters I took in during the last year (DDog and NDog) helped her stay young. She was the queen, and she maintained her place in the household, But they also provided some energy and diversion. She and DDog would walk together last winter, she upping her efforts to stay in the lead. Later with NDog, it was too hard to for to keep a pace, and thus they were walked separately. But Ndog's squeaky toy excitement was contagious and once the donated bag of toys became absorbed into the household (because NDog took them all out of the trash bag they came in), KDog followed his lead and resumed the ritual of squeaking a toy with joy and excitement whenever I came home,
My Dad's last hospitalization was the beginning of the end of the good times. The 3 weeks I spent virtually full time at the hospital were hard on everyone and PAG did his best but it was rough. I had to let NDog go to home, it just was not to be. KDog found it increasingly stressful to be left home alone, and I still feel that her intermittent deafness was brought on by nerve medicine and made it extremely difficult for her to tolerate being left for any period of time.
In the midst of all this, caretaking for my Dad has also been a taxing. Not wonder I am feeling quiet calm (punctuated by tear bursts). No wonder I have not been an,e to properly process thoughts and feelings about AN or Proggy or stay connected with friends. No wonder I have found it challenging to meditate or connect with my feelings. Because so much bandwidth was really consumed by the "musts"...must give pills, get pills, get more peanut butter or turkey, or clean up the pads or wash rugs, go to the vet, or whatever. Or stay limit time away or structure activities around having KDog in the car. She has been ever present in a way that a lot of people would never engage with their dogs. But she was almost human, so smart, so empathic, she was my child...and what mother would not do all of these things for her child?