Sunday
Woke up to a frozen world. -8F, and somewhere along the line another couple of inches of powder arrived. Outdoors is quiet, with the exception of jets inbound to the airport, which have sound amplified in the coldness, probably some scientific explanation around cold thin air devoid of moisture. Skies were clear initially but a cloud layer seems to be materializing. Out of nowhere almost, as there is very little wind. Science would explain that too, if i could be bothered to investigate.
Instead, I will note that I slept 11 hours, passing out around 7 to episodes of Dead Loch. Woke long enough to say good night to Proggy past midnight, then conked back out. It is hibernating weather for sure, but perhaps my body was playing catch-up from the stress of KDog and the trip to FL.
I seem to be a bit more...present in my body this morning. Aware of my thoughts, but sitting back and observing them. Memories of KDog are more present. It is the regular things I did 1000 times that I don't do any more. I flip on the kettle and I no longer grab a bowl and toss in food and turkey from the fridge. I went the the grocery store and didn't need to buy turkey - always turkey - in the meat aisle. There are still containers of treats on the counter and a water bowl station...remnants I haven't put away entirely as I likely will foster or dog sit before too long. I can use the computer which runs the tv without straddling a dog bed with KDog on it. A million different ways that life has changed. Some ways it is easier. But I can no longer go over to that same bed and snuggle and sing her song to her and get kisses of appreciation and love. She was so smart, so empathic, so easy, so adored....such a beautiful creature. I feel a lump form in my throat, and tears well up into my eyes. I was so lucky. WE were so lucky and we both knew it.
One of the things KDog liked to do was explore. She would come to a side path off the main trail and pull down it...confident, inquisitive. She helped me have to confidence to go places I would not have gone alone. And yet, it is nothing I could have ever known or predicted when she was younger, She grew into it. In fact, she did not blossom until EDog was gone and she became the center of everything, She waited a long time for her turn, and she did not waste it. I am glad that last Saturday we went to the kennel with Proggy and then to the hometown to walk up and down main street. Her mind and spirit were entirely intact, though she was ready to rest much sooner. It was a last rally I suppose. The next day she only took a short walk around the block with Proggy and PAG. The following day, Christmas she was hesitating to go down the ramp and while she wanted to go for a walk, she only limped to the lot next door and then turned around and went back home. After that she only went out a couple of times, staring intently for a long while at a large brown dog across the street for quite a long time, then dragging herself across the street to where it had been to sniff. She wanted to keep living, her body just would not cooperate. It breaks my heart. Her spirit was still strong. Having to make the decision to say goodbye before she seemed mentally resigned was a blessing and a curse. She ate all the goodies the last couple of days...she got up and was demonstrably happy to see PAG that last day, dragging and limping and wagging her way over to the couch where he sat down. She needed help to get up from laying down. There was nowhere to go but down from there, and I hope I did the right thing. I felt like by then it was not an artificial timeline for the trip, but just a natural progression to a point where waiting longer would just see her suffer in addition to struggle. I know it was the right course, and she had a long full life, which does make it easier. But I'm still sad and a bit haunted...would she be reproving of me? Disappointed? Ugh I need to move on from a question which will never be answered. I did my best, and she loved me in spite of my many flaws. Maybe she knew and maybe she just decided that she was going to enjoy every last lick of ice cream, every bit of bacon, every bit of being waited on with food and water, every last cuddle, and every last minute of me singing to her. Maybe I gave her exactly what she could have wanted and that is why it was just such an uneventful ending.
Well, maybe I needed to get that out. Maybe this is the morning I will finally be distressed enough to get that good cry out. But I am not going to wallow. I am making chili and will color my hair today. I will shower and try to finish setting up my new IPad. Not planning to drive anywhere until Tuesday, due to cracked fog lamp and salt/snow, But sun is out and that will help keep me moving indoors.
