Fiera Fights Back

Sunday

Fundraiser was last night. As I expected, I spent of my time trying to keep the energetic adoptable FDog away from food, and having only micro conversations with people. I had to take him out three times to go to the bathroom in the freezing wind, away down the far end of the parking lot where there was grass. I stayed 2.5 hours, hit the wall, and left at 8. I was just suddenly done. FDog also I think was done after all that time on his feet.

If I did not have a foster I might not have gone at all, or I would have done my usual St Patty's volunteering gig. It was just the wrong timing for me, especially with the transport 2 days earlier.

I barely saw Pixy. It's OK, I see her all the time. But she seemed surprised when I left.

I need to get documents scanned today. Trying to enjoy coffee first and taking FDog to the rescue dog meetup. I really do like him but this morning he tried to run after a squirrel and would not "leave it". This after being able watch them from a distance yesterday without being triggered. So I have my doubts on whether he will be safe around small dogs and given that I want my dog to be able to do street festivals etc I would rather prefer my dog be solid. I suppose I could muzzle but that's not really ideal.

Proggy is supposedly coming up today and will attend a St Patty"s day gathering at the Irish Place. I might go for a short while and start FDog's alone training. Better eat some brekkie or I will be starving at the walk.
 
Monday

Good morning world. After having the tired crabbies all day yesterday I am waking up feeling better today. Not enough sleep since Proggy watched tv until 1:30 and I work up at 5:30. But for now, feeling better.

Been working on FDog's full bladder release in house, He did it again yesterday. I have since downsized the giant water bowl to a standard water bowl and am adding only measured amounts (a cup and a half at a time). It seems to have slowed down the consumption rate while still ensuring there is water available. He did not need to go out between dinner and 9PM last night (about 5 hours) and then I took him at 11PM and we settled until 6 this morning, Encouraging.

I would like to walk FDog in the woods today if I can get Proggy to agree. It is cold out but the sun is brilliant.

Yesterday I took FDog to Sunday meetup walk. He was very popular, he is so friendly and his little stump was wagging all the time, I think he enjoys being around the other dogs. He is, after all, young (not quite 3') and quite busy by nature. He also follows me around the house...bathroom...getting the mail, going to change clothes, going into the kitchen...he leaps to his feet and follows me. I definitely think he will be best served in a household where there is a lot of activity and getting out and about.

I adore him. He fits in so nicely. lol.

Fiera's Fighting List for Today
Dishes ✅
Shower
Scan Transport Paperwork
F/U Lawn Service
F/U Masonry Quote; mortar research
Transport Stuff Put Away
Kayak in Garage
Walk/Hike 3M
To-Do List between now and Dad (27th)
Plan a Fiera trip *just Fiera, just for Fiera*

I also badly need a manicure and a hair color soon.
I did get on the scale a few days ago and things were holding steady.
Last night I had real ice cream (from shop) - large scoops. Oh well.

Other things lurking are...
House repair decisions
Financial performance, financial/cash plan

I am starting to feel fear around finances. I have 5 years before I can take money out of my IRA without penalty. If I bought a newer house, there should be more certainly around cash flow and timing of any repairs. OTOH, what must be done to THIS house in the next 5 years versus what can wait? Oh, it is so difficult to think through.

And I really want central air or new A/C units or mini splits which don't funk up. At least there is a little bit more time before it gets that hot...but not much.
 
188.8 today after shower. Too little sleep, feeling fuzzy.

My body is adjusting tomthe walking/exercise. Unfortunately the eating has gone off the deep end with the transport Thurs, fundraiser Sat, walkies (St Patty's green donuts) Sun, along with Proggy Sun and Mon. Tomorrow I get groceries. And gas.

Cousin J texted, in town wants to do dinner tmrw eve. Tested alone time w FDog and he is not ready for 3.5 hours crated. Working on options. J offered to drive here but between traffic and FDog being annoying I said it might be better for me to come her way. And frankly I know that the condition of the house is part of it.

What else. Having relaxing tea because I feel jagged. Gave FDog a digestible rope chew. Practiced crate time. Fin adv called as a mli has become due. I wish I could think. I am glad Proggy went home. I have enough going on.

Called dad. He sounded confused and unable to come up with the right words to identify his brothers' grandchild. Peaches chimed in that he is talking in his sleep a lot and up all night. She threatened to get her own hotel room when we drive back the 29th. It is CO2 buildup. If he doesn't get a grip and wear his bipap he is not going to survive the trip. And he is ever more ornery when he gets build up so it's not like he is going to listen. Well, maybe I have to stop trying to save him from himself, I am pretty sure that Peaches has had to let go of it, she lives,with it every day.
 
Wednesday

It really has been a frenetic last week+. So much got added to my plate behind what was anticipated. Much of it was Pixy assigning random tasks/asks (foster recruiting/management for the also-added fundraiser. Get a quote from the vet for a urinalysis, get belly bands for the foster, obtain and forward event photos to the team who sent us the dogs). Dad's C02 thing. Cousin J in town and the dinner (time plus sitter drop off/arangements). Resolving the lawn service before the came and sprayed on top of the seed the other service put down. And of course the chimney spalling/masonry quote and the roof leaking and the new sidewalk cracking.

Last night I had nothing to wear to dinner with cousin J. I don't have anything appropriate that fits. The pair of jeans which fits was in the laundry and I had forgotten to do any. I ended up wearing a pair of jeans I meant to return because they are so long they drags on the floor. I wore a long-sleeved casual navy-colored top which is a good 20 years old and a bit faded. My raggedy nails I filed while sitting at stoplights. I realized that I am too ashamed of my home to invite her to stay her with me on a next visit.

As the question arose last week with CB...is the dog stuff my life, or is the dog stuff a distraction from my life? I think it is both. It is providing community and companionship I am missing. It is helping me walk, get moving when I might otherwise not be able to get off the couch. However, there has been scope creep this week with Pixy and I let her know I was slammed.

I also primary voted yesterday and spent the necessary time to research all the candidates including judicial candidates, as I always do. I sleep well knowing that I have made the best informed and strategic choices I feel that I can make. I grew up in a solidly white, middle class area to R parents. Lots of people there who never experienced the broader world except on tv. My experiences and values began to broaden as I first worked at the amusement park, explored my love for music and creatives in general, played around in radio and djing, loved the nightlife, and settled in an urban area. I was always a strong liberated woman (thanks mom), support abortion rights, but also believe in personal accountability, hard work, law and order, and playing by the rules/fairness. I tend to vote for candidates rather than parties, based on the issues...today's R have lost their moral compass and today's D's are taking what we have worked so hard for and giving it away. I call it "malevolence versus incomptence". And nobody seems to have a strategy for dealing with the global threats we face (hacking security, foreign govts, poised to take America or the power grid down with a few well placed keystrokes). It is no wonder there is a pervasive feeling of helplessness. My house is falling apart, my person is falling apart and the country is falling apart.

Well. It is not like I allow myself the luxury of staying in these thoughts, or usually writing them, but there they are. It is really any wonder that I take comfort and joy in the dogs...who don't know and don't care about ANY of this...they just know that they have a warm home, toys, treats, food, kisses, cuddles, rides and walkies.

If that is my version of head in the sand, well, I NEED that kind of respite to be able to function. I also NEED more alone time, a real trip/vacation *by myself* to write and recover.

********************

The morning sun has just peeked over the house behind me...bright, thankfully, and clear today. I am so grateful for the longer days. We are 3 months past the winter solstice now...we have the next 6 months ahead of reasonably long days.

Maythe Universe help me find the right balance between all the demands on my life and time, and the grace with which to live more peacefully with my aging and my decisions. May I also regain focus on fitness, without which everything in life is proving to be so much more difficult and complicated. Not the least of which is a wardrobe full of clothing which doesn't come close to fitting. How will I take a trip if I don't have clothes to wear etc...

Eh.

Fiera's Fighting Plan for Today
Laundry
Dad C02 Doctor/Peaches Call ✅
Cook Corned Beef
TJ grocery
Pixy Belly Band
Reply photos to Transport sender✅
Good and The Green! 1150 Calories Net target
Masonry quote questions
Therapws? for DDog
Blog Email re Face groups ✅
 
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This day. Oh, this Day.

Was grateful that a notice from G regarding a feature discontinuation cause me to log in to my blog post from 2019 marathon. How clever, creative, and full of life I was! It reminded me that I am a lot more than I give myself credit for.

I channeled that creativity into an email response to the transport senders, with photos from the fundraiser over the weekend and one of FDog in front of the IPlace. Pixy was delighted with my effort.

Been working on Laundry bit by bit. Enjoying the sunny blue sky.

But then phone call w Peaches to relay input from cousin and discuss strategy. A solid hour, Today she noticed his hands are tremoring, He is on the verge of collapse. Yet getting him to a doc voluntarily is impossible. Discussed strategy and limits. Stress level went thru roof. Realized that a freight train is coming down the tracks at me and my time once again is about to be no longer my own. Not because of knee surgery, but because he won't wear his freaking bipap. I feel angry at his selfishness and the toll it takes on us. He cannot have it both ways, Either man up and take care of the Bipap/C02 or make a decision that you will cease putting us through the motions of trying to get/keep you ready for knee replacement. I am calling bullsh*t.
 
I have had moments where I focused on other things but the moment my thoughts turn to my Dad and the situation we find ourselves in with trying to drive home in less than a week has me angry, resentful, and upset. If I didn't have FDog here I might have drowned my sorrows a bit worse than a single vodka drink and a belly full of chinese takeout. My "day off" was not relaxing. My plans for the months ahead, whether dog, FDog, Ireland etc, are now not even worth thinging about or trying to plan for. I put my phone on DND but still was getting emails to manage about fostering related stuff. I felt sorry for myself. I have only recently begun to realize how much my life has been consumed by taking care of other people, My mom, her illness was not her fault. L's on the other hand were self neglect, and contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. Now I have been dealing with my Dad's self neglect for 8 years and counting, and seeing his narcissistic traits more clearly.

In tears recently I told CB about my dad's verbal abuse to Peaches and even myself, and his take me or leave me pattern of indifference. And, I said, I invested this relationship for so long, it has come so far from the zero relationship we had at the time my mom died. Crying. If I stand up to him I get NOTHING. I don't mean financially. I mean I don't get a dad, I don't get the comfort or security, I don't get anything. So what choice do I have? He is a bully, but he is my only Dad, my on living parent, and if I fracture it by pushing him too far, then I get NOTHING. No more dad. Maybe out of self respect and personal growth I should just put my foot down, but it seems too horrible to seriously consider.

Thursday, BTW.

I did not do anything to it yet my boobs and muscles are hurting on the left side in particular. Maybe something in the Chinese food, soy sauce etc.

I need a shower. I guess today will be my day off if I can only not have to deal with my Dad's issues. But I will have to. They are both in denial.
 
I just caught myself having mean thoughts.
Peaches' granddaughter posted a meme about not viewing herself as a mum. Peaches, daughter says and you have two!
And my brain went "Yes! Two men and no husbands!"
It's true, but I just want to be a better person than this. :(
Feeling stressed out and sorry for myself and wanting a cigarette and stuck and closed in.
I need to get in the shower. And then maybe call SB or something .
 
Resetting....

I called my Dad. Peaches was there. He was a bit clearer in the moment. I talked to him again about the BiPap. Apparently Peaches had too. I stayed calm, I said that I just wanted to make sure he understood that he is making a decision. By not choosing to learn to tolerate the bipap he IS choosing in essence to end up in the hospital again with heart, kidney and brain damage...and he might be worse where Peaches and I cannot keep up with his care any more, That I understand and it sucks and it is a choice between two sh**tty choices. That I am not telling him what to do and I certainly don't know what it feels like. But I just want to make sure that he understands that he is choosing and that he is not in denial about it. And that Peaches and I both love him. He was quiet a bit. He tried to suggest that maybe the doc won't run the blood gasses. I guaranteed him that the doc will, knowing he has a history of non compliance and not having seen him for 3 months. The best thing is not to try to sneak past the doc, but to get on board with wearing the Bipap to actually resolve any potential problem in the first place. So. I think I got through to him today, He wasn't being as ornery or hateful or abusive. And I feel a bit better because of it. I will know that I did my best. And I still can pull the plug on the drive back or take him to the ER when I get there if he is not doing better. Peaches must have started getting through to him.

I took FDog for a walk. I sent Proggy well wishes on his interview, Made egg salad and leftover tom kha soup for lunch. Liked the work a mason was doing on a rehab and got a business card.

Wrote FDog's foster profile notes and submitted. Seeing signs he might be a chewer when not happy. Not happy = not getting enough attention or exercise. I have been keeping walks short because of a tiny limp which seemed to be getting aggravated. And was on computer / phone quite a bit yesterday and today. He has tried nibbling on a table leg, the front and back of the fridge, and has chewed the ends off stuffies and chewed a squeaker in half. Along with stealing food he needs adult supervision I think. I also recall a note that he chewed on his crate on the transport in. So, he is a chewer. Just kind of pulling it all together.
 
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Oh, well done Fiera on getting through to your Dad! Peaches must have a real battle on her hands. Kudos to you both!
 
Friday

Ugggggggh. Woke up to the overnight delivery having arrived...took FDog for potty, grabbed mail and delivery envelope, brought it in, gave him food, with a salsa bowl for slow down...turned to opening the mail and saw an IRS letter for a neighbor on the next block. I put it atop the coffee maker where no chance it could get snatched chewed or spilled on. My mind was working about the best way to get it to her, being caught on ring in a strangers mailbox could be a recipe for accusations. Maybe I'd search for a phone number or via social. I was deep in thought. I went in to the den with the idea to sit in the couch with my tablet and search. I remembered the chew toy and went back in the kitchen. It was not there. The padded paper envelope was in the recycling bin and I had no specific recollection of pulling it out of the envelope, touching it with my hands. I did however have a recollection of feeling the bone through the padding when I brought it in from the porch. Knowing FDog has been both stealing things, chewing thing and inhaling food, my heart sunk. I
It was bacon flavor and he would have gone for it. I looked at the order and found it was a smaller size than I thought I had ordered. Unlikely, but if he had bolted it, it was a true emergency. I search the recycling, cabinets, fridge, top of fridge, trash, couch dog beds sink, dishwasher, under furniture etc as fast as possible. Then I put him in the car and drove to the EVet because the regular vet was not yet open. Traffic was bad. When I arrived close to an hour had passed. He was acting Ok. but I felt like XRay needed to be done.

He ended up being fine, Thankfully. When I got home I searched everything thoroughly again, No luck. I texted my puzzlement to Pixy. Then I checked the front porch and mailbox again. On the porch another delivery envelope had arrived while I was away.

As Irish Friend would say, the penny dropped.

Effffffffffffff me.

The first envelope had been 2 small bottles of vitamins. I get them so often I forgot I had ordered them and on auto pilot, while pondering what to do about that IRS letter, I took them out of the envelope and placed them with the other vitamins. And had no memory of it. The bone was never even here.

$600, screwed up Pixy's morning, Program vet, program Treasurer, evet and of course my own morning. And I only got 20 mins with CB.

There is an element of humor and of course all is well that ends well. And I am trying to give myself grace. But this was a big stupid avoidable mistake. I really try to be a reliable person. The stress warning lights are flashing red. ;/

I took a Xanax and told Proggy that we cannot get together until tomorrow.

It is almost 4P now. What a terrible unnecessary waste of a day. Worse, I damaged my reputation. I could cry.
 
Saturday

I still feel disoriented, not quite back to myself. I can use a good walk today; haven't really had a good one since FDog started limping. Also, I have been eating like crud and I need to get healthy food back in the house, Just salad, bananas, avocados would help. Yesterday was 2 hot dogs, a chicken breast sandwich, and cruddy
pizza.

Also, while I seem to be getting enough sleep (on paper) today I woke up from a dream which reveals mysubconsiocus is preoccupied with the house issues, In the dream I noticed water in a kitchen cabinet. Got up on a ladder to see the the top of the cabinets had a big puddle of water. Roof leaking in a new spot? Yes...but because on half of the house had shifted, creating a 2 inch opening a where the front and back join up, sunlight coming through as well as water. Thanks subconscious!

Proggy is to come today. So, I will pay bills and do more laundry then take a shower and get ready. I own him a good day where I am fully present, not what he has been getting the past week or so. The poor guy is struggling enough without having me checked out and uninvested.

Today is the last day with FDog. Tomorrow morning we take him up to the kennel along with another dog currently being fostered by BS. It is going to be hard to leave him there, in a noisy barky kennel wondering what he did wrong. :(
 
Sunday.

FDogs last day.
I am shedding some tears. I don't know if I might adopt him of certain factors work out. Namely whether there is some reason for the lameness and whether he can get on with small dogs. And of course my Dad's condition/journey. I adore him, and perhaps he will be one of the harder fosters to let go of. He is only my third. What is so hard is this new model the BOD agreed upon which has the dogs in foster for only a week or two and then going into kennels. Some of these dogs may never have been in a kennel environment and/or a loving indoor home environment before. To move them about without consideration for the instability caused by these shifts does not feel right to me at all.

I was supposed to be taking BS' foster along and he feels so badly about it that he has basically opted out and said he is keeping the dog at his house. He will be seeing the program vet for one of his own dogs this week anyway. I get it. It feels cruel, it IS cruel,when you make them part of your home and then dump them back into kennels. They don't know that they did nothing wrong. They don't know that there is a permanent home for them on the horizon. This is far different from out old model where we kept the dogs until they were adopted. I am not on board and I will be voicing my concerns to the BOD. I have no real choice to hang on to him though because this was all planned around the trip to fly down to FL and drive my dad back.

I spoke with Dad yesterday and it did nothing to alleviate my concerns. Our talk did not move the needle. He got one hour on the bipap. I said OK fine, when I get down there if I don't think he can make the trip then we can just go to the ER. He said if I don't want todrive him then he will take a taxi, Honestly if this would just end in a heart attack or other quick ending without a ton of suffering it would be easier to say fine. But knowing there is a reasonably good chance he will have major brain, heart,and kidney damage that we will have to deal with for some prolonged period, that is how we are affected. He doesn't care. He never can see a situation from someone else's viewpoint. He has been a bully his entire life and he will bully his way into a situation that Is preventable and Peaches and I will have to deal with. That is, until she leaves and I move in with him/them or put him into a SNF. It's all about him. It was when I was growing up and it is today. He has expressed appreciation occasionally. But he simply has never been able to put himself in someone else's shoes, or care to think about how someone else feels.

Anyway, I am regurgitating old stuff here, I am getting bored with myself.

May this day I practice being open, kind, accepting, patient...instead of balled up and resentful. Proggy is coming with and I hope we have a nice day. We may even stop by to see EF for a surprise on her special day.
 
Monday

Today Cuddy is here, Iz's dog, his first time. I had met him before and he is quite a handsome and well behaved dog. The whining issue I am not having a problem with, I tried the chhhht and made sure he knew I was alpha and he has settled in quite well. We have had two walks in between raindrops and I plan to take him once more.

Proggy came up yesterday early. We dropped FDog the foster up at the kennel and were both so sad about it. We went for pancakes at a family rest in PL (which is not worth visiting again) and then went for a drive to try to occupy ourselves. I ended towards a big lake and then a small city I had never visited and the blight and poverty was absolutely stunning. We stopped by the outlet mall and came back to the city. We were so out of it (wx and FDog) I could not even being myself to stop by and surprise EF for her BDay, Instead, we came back to the city and we picked up napoli pizza and took it to the BYOF saloon in between live bands. I had a Scottish Ale which was quite tasty.

One thing we did which cheered us up was name things we had only tried/experienced because of each other. I highly recommend doing this with anyone in your life that you have known for a while and care about. It was really nice. We went for another drive after dinner and got home about 8.

There was a lot of reminiscing on my part, yesterday and today. Something has jiggled the loose wires in my brain. A piece was telling him about JAB's divorce and the threads and characters. He wanted to see my diploma so that was with photo albums which sparked a bit of recollection. But also driving around the city last night, being able to connect with a much younger me driving the same streets, before going to #2. We stopped on the street where I was a DJ one summer in a bar, and I walked up the block and even stuck my head inside one of the bars but they have all changed so much I am not even sure which building it was. That is where I met AN.

I colored Proggy's hair with Henna today, Did it in kitchen since Cuddy was here and didn't want to leave him unsupervised for more than a couple of minutes.

I feel more at peace since today is going well and things are falling in to place.
Had a healthy chicken breast +salad lunch. Bloating going down a bit. Leave for FL on Weds.

Not talking with my Dad since Friday probably helping also.

Time to walk Cuddy one more tme and feed him dinner.
 
Tuesday

Need to face the scale today, I am plumping up again. I ate an entire bag of cheesy doodles the other day. Yesterday I ruined a fairly good eating day by getting into snack bags of dooritos leftover from the transport and having a cheese stick with a slice of bread and a dark chocolate bar also. I did. After dinner. I know it's boredom/comfort eating in the evening, I was not hungry, Ugh. I really need to try the evening medicine but I am afraid of it and there never seems to be a good time.

Today is all about prepping for the trip. I am feel pretty hardened because I haven't talked to my dad in a couple of days. It will be a lot harder to not be seriously concerned once I see him in person. It is one thing to say "eff it left him choose how he wants to go out" and another to be there actively worrying about him collapsing every time we stop for a bathroom break / mcdonald's / salty food.

I release it to the Universe. I am petrified of him dying in front of my eyes, wondering if I could have pushed him harder to make better choices. I mean, they insist on eating from McD's because of the clean bathrooms, but the amount of salt in the food is enough to be the tipping point with his fluid/kidneys/etc. And he will just defy any suggestions that perhaps we have oatmeal or something. I am already sobbing inside, my fear is palpable.

Well, the schedule is I fly doan tomorrow, we leave Friday morning, and we arrive home on Sunday/Easter.

Ok I am having a bit of trouble releasing it to the Universe. But in practice we say "short times many times" and I hope by the time I am packed tonight I will be more at peace. Packing is always a bit stressful.

Especially when you have to remember to dump the bucket in the attic. (rolling eyes).

I release it to the Universe.

My angst over FDog, I release it to the Universe.

My fear of my Dad dying, I release it to the Universe.

My angst over the state of my house and my unkempt self, I release it to the Universe.

Inside of me there is still strength. Beneath this tired exterior, there is still a tiny flame. I am not just a shell. I can't be, I won't be that person. I will emerge. I must hang on to that. This chapter is not perpetual. Whether it is months or years, I will survive, I will heal, and I have a life beyond this caregiver one.

I never had kids, I never wanted to. I look at my cousin I just had dinner with. Her parents both have health issues. But they try to live as healthy and independently as possible. They don't rely on their kids. She gets to live her life. Why is my Dad so different? Why was/is he allowed to be the bully his entire life? Why and how did his younger brother evolve so differently? My dad went into the service because there was "no money" to go to college. He had been accepted to an Ivy League school. He sounded bitter and resentful when relating the history to me. My uncle took the school path, and am to understand were so poor as to be some kind of public aid, yet he went on to have a big and hugely successful business career. How did it happen? Did one take the more certain path and one took the bigger risk?

Maybe some of this is triggered by the post I read in a support group this morning. A younger man living/caregiving with a 64YO mother. The angst about her not doing the things the docs advise, and the angst about not having his own life. It is like this entire world/lifestyle that you don't understand or even see until you are living it. You do not choose it, it is thrust upon you. And for those of us who are already struggling with our own situation, financial or health or mental health, it can be harder even to have proper boundaries and stay afloat. It is the child we chose never to have This adult toddler, our parent. When you didn't see this coming, when your entire life your parent was overweight and expected to judt have a heart attack one day, you just are so unprepared. There is no script. Nobody tells you hey Fiera, you should take that trip to Italy now, or go ahead and move to wherever you want to live and force your pops to come stay with you not the other way around.

When you don't have good boundaries and you don't have a strong established life of your own, this is what happens. Gah. I mean I know I am blessed to have this time with my dad but I am just recently seeing how much of myself I have sacrificed - mentally, emotionally - to the bullying and the "my way or the highway" attitude.

I remind myself though, the night before I flew home during my last visit, how he turned from watching tv, Peaches was gone off to play cards. And he thanked me for coming and said that he really appreciated my visit...it was one of his more human moments of my entire life. At least it is in there, even if it shows up so rarely.

I'm all teary this morning, We need some sunshine already. Too overcast for too many days now.

I'll be back whenever. Better weigh in today. Pants are tight again.
 
Ok. It is obvious I am depressed today. I was breaking into tears easily while I ran to drop off food scraps, get gas, get cleaning supplies, and run to the bank. I ran over reasons in my mind. Experiencing the "release" early I usually get at the airport/on planes, Hormones (hair growth spurt). Poor sleep night. Eating
processed junk food. Overcast. Packing. Overweight/senedtary. The house and it is raining and have to go to the attic and I feel broken. Etc. I really needed to talk with someone yet there is no one to call.

I sat in the forest preserve for a while and plucked my eyebrows. I wrestled with where to go to get lunch...the mexican place or the gastropub where I would surely have a drink, or two, just to feel better.

I reminded myself of the not good things that would come out of drinking instead of getting my head in the game and packing mindfully for this trip. I chose the burrito. On the way over a brief hurricane started. And I thought about my bucket and my attic again. Then my mind out of nowhere took creative license with a Madonna song "We are living in a miserable world and I am a miserable girl." Where the F did that come from? Of course I don't believe that. Then the place was closed. I made myself go home for this timeout. It helped that the pub doesn't open til noon.

Getting out of the car, gathering my things, my fingertips could not quite teach the compost bucket (with lid) and I grasped and grasped and dropped my personal record number of consecutive rapidly screamed FBombs and of course the thing tipped over and the lid popped off and got a bit of stinky moldy compost water on my car mat. I laughed and cried hysterically at the same time. Completely lost my mind with it because I really was just doing both.

How can a grown a$$ 54 year old woman who used to be smart, sexy, and successful be reduced to screaming hysterically in her car about mold water? i just did the laugh-cry thing again. Good grief.

Something else that really set me off was buying the cleaning supplies. The cheapest bottle of bleach was $3.69. The designer and name brands were $5.59 to $7-something. Not that long ago you used to be able to buy bleach for $1. How is it possible? How is this not evidence of collusion by the big brands who control the market? And I feel so helpless. I am always aware that it took me over an hour to earn that money when I was younger. And I becone afraid of inflation and reminded of the need to address my tax and financial plan and how relying on other people has not gottenme very far either.

I always *knew* fundamentally that I was going to figure my sh8t out and start in the next chapter of my life. I am feeling so discouraged and broken today.

Well. It was helpful at list to just sit here and take inventory while my body and brain calmed down a bit.

And the rain has paused again.

It is 12:30. I will take the next hour just for me, then go up in the attic and get packing.
 
Wednesday - Fly to FL

It is 3:30AM...after attempting to get to sleep early, and finally nodding off a bit after 10, I woke up repeatedly after 2 and got up at 3:15. I have an early alarm anyway, and this way I can take a shower and finish the last packing and have a bowl of matcha at a more leisurely pace.

The severe depression I felt yesterday is gone as quickly as it came. I ended up jist staying in for lunch and having a beer and a chicken salad. Later I made something stiffer but left to go get tacos amd didn't drink much of it. I am not sure what caused the ship to right itself other than getting a bit of sleep...and steak tacos. And maybe knowing that today is an action day. Also perhaps having some thoughts in an email validated by Pixy. And maybe a lot of if was just a reaction to eating Doooorits which I haven't in years

I have been noting the past few days that part of the dysfunction of this organization is that no one on the board has actually worked, as far as I know, for a major corporation. The other is egos. No missions statement, no goal alignment, no position description, no documented processes...there is one,person - Difficult Woman - who will be nearly impossible to crack. I don't want to go around talking to other people behind Pixy's back and I really have my doubts whether to try to help save this organization or start anew with some other folks. The management consultant in me wants to start with an organization survey and try to get everyone on the table saying we have some issues, how can we fix them. You know, call out the elephant in the room, and talk about the why it seems there is lack of personal accountability and engagement. Why did it used to work better and what has happened?

We probably won't take more dogs for another 5 weeks. We have apps in and the screening and matchmaking is not moving fast enough. Dogs are sitting and we have lost some apps and it is not right.

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I feel zero anticipation about seeing my Dad and Peaches. I anticipate once I get there I will feel glad and also their little pup Blanty is always so cheering. It may be the last time I see them in this condo. Though I have been saying that for the past couple of years. Peaches finally got herself a friend and played golf and goes to the movies, bingo, and cards while down there...after a couple of years of feeling trapped and keeping my dad company while she "worked from home remotely" for her old employer. It is better for her.

As much as I think that condo is a great investment and a nice place to live, I think I will probably put it on the market when my Dad passes. Buying my brother out of his share will be too much money and I cannot put the house up here up for sale for a couple of years because Peaches has the right to live there for a couple of years. There won't be enough cash, probably. It is all so stupid, but perhaps I can free up my mind to think about some of these things a bit more while I more away, I still need that vacation by myself...I need to calm the nervous system, which has been on high alert for so long now.

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I don't quite feel like ending this...I like my little matcha-journal cocoon. My early rising morning gift, hanging on to this leisurely pace.

I had a few things on the tube yesterday as I was packing, So while it did not receive my full attention and also felt somewhat contrived, I got something out of a movie called Hope Gap which stars Annette Benning. I want to watch again with more intention. I like the too real portrayal of the couple who go for years unfulfilled in their marriage...not overtly unhappy but just not feeling much of anything, just fallen out of love and not saying the hard part out loud...not talking about things until it is far to late for the talking to allow a forum for things to grow or heal or mend or evolve, It resonates because that is a mistake I think my husband and I made - we didn't know better, we couldn't see it, it was far too much later in life before I understood what real communication looked like. And suddenly one day it was just too late, the love had moved on, but the realization that action needed to be taken was fairly sudden.

I think about it, and him, with great sadness still. If he was still around, would we have eventually learned to speak the silent parts? Would he have been able to turn his life around? Would the arms length friendship at least felt a bit less defensive? My (former) best friend outside my impenatrable defensive walls? Well...that one is unanswerable, he had developed a serious pot addiction and possibly nothing either of us could have said would have changed that.

Anyway, that was a strange little rabbit hole to go down.

I think it is time to go get in my shower and let the Games Begin!
 
Sunday
Easter. Home.

Home a bit early. Dad tolerated the journey OK better than expected. We drove about 15 hours (with stops) yesterday on top of the 9 or 10 hours with stops on Friday. Squeezed out the second night in part because Peaches got no sleep sharing a hotel room with Dad and did not take me up on the offer to sleep in my extra bed. Anyway. We survived, I drove longer than I expected without needing to stop. I am coming down with a virus now though. So Proggy will have to stay away.

Had brekkie with them thentTook the train home and arrived on my own couch around 12:30 today.

Got no thinking and no peace during trip. Guess I was delusional about that.

AN wrote last night suggesting that we "say goodbye" properly. My interpretation was that he has taken the long silence as dismissal or walking away.

I ordered some elixir chicken soup from the Cuban place.

Glad tomorrow is the 1st day of the quarter and some cash coming in.
 
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Monday. April 1.
188.9
Transition

Mind really is not concerned much about April Fools Day. Instead April 1 is this shift.
a reminder that 1/4 of the year has already passed. An awareness of the onset of Spring and Summer and the quiet joy which arises from longer, sunnier days and outdoor activities. However it is also a reminder of turning a year older of unfinished business both current and decades long in the making.

I may have blunted the virus with EmergC, scratch chix soup and rest. Temp is pretty normal. Terribly swollen throat glands but cough and congestion never got bad, and bit of a headache can be controlled with ibuprofen.

Dad called after I got home and was angry about not being able to get into his accounts and make a tax payment. He forgot to use the pw manager and locked his bank account. He forgot that the IRS changed the verification login process, not me. I got blamed for everything even though I had asked him before leaving FL and before leaving his house if he needed some help. I am worried about maintaining his trust. It is 2 hours of driving just to go back out there and I am tired and sick. I told him it would have to wait until Friday but I am worried that will only increase his frustration.

Today is a bit of a chance to reset. I am overwhelmed and AN's midnight response to my response was a bit angering. I wrote a reply at 2AM and saved it in drafts. I have other priorities and I cannot get into this with him even though I disagree with his characterization.

I feel the need for some kind of release, and real self care. Plus there are basics to attend to..shower, laundry, some form of groceries. Baseball game on today :)

Possibly meditation group tonight. I don't know, I feel so triggered about everything right now, so painfully insecure and triggered by men, that I might have to do something else to tend to my spiritual/meditation needs. I think I will take a Xanax or this anxiety will chase me around all day.

I know I am struggling with depression and mental health. Only disciplined action is going to work to get me to a better place. And boundaries.
 
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Dad just called. He and Peaches were very happy with the guy I arranged to fix their garage door. Phew. Dad is in a much better mood now. He still is unhappy with the complex passwords I have introduced, but is Ok with me fixing things on Friday.

I got hot dogs to go with the baseball game and am happy to be back home wino plans to leave for the day.
 
It has been a better day. I went to the hot dog place and got a chopped salad and hot dog for lunch. Watched the ballgame, which we won. 🙂👏 Got clothes downstairs so I can do laundry tomorrow. Started looking into carpet cleaning options - mostly concerned about the safety of what is used and may still choose to DIY with laundry soap, cleaning vinegar and oxy detergent booster. The guy I wa most interested in wants $200 for the 1 room and I can rent a large professional machine at the pet store for like $35.

I finally had a nice shower and got all cleaned up. Drinking hot tea with honey. A bit of a croupy cough and tiredness but as far as being sick sick it seems I dodged a huge bullet. Though I am making creaky and squeaky sounds with every breath. Reminds me it is time to take more EmergenC.

I like that this today has been about rest and recovery. I am so grateful to the woman in the caregiver support group who reminded me that I needed to have boundaries and not go running out there when it was not a crisis.
 
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