Fiera Fights Back

Thurs PM

At Dad's due to Peaches having oral surgery today. He is acting like an ax-tard, which often is a sign of elevated blood sugar...but his meter was lower than I expected given what we ate/he ate. Finally I asked Peaches if this was the same sensor from when I was here last week? No, it's a new one, and ooops she/they forgot to calibrate it with a finger stick. So probably high.

Anyway between the moaning, swearing, and racist remarks, I exited tersely and am in the bedroom. I can still hear him but I don't have to treat him like his behavior is acceptable.

Silver linings...strung together a few more family history bits which illustrate generational/ingrained beliefs. Walked their dog 2 brisk miles in the overcast/slightest rain. Made a teeny bit of trip progress, got travel alerts on cc/dc. Inquired 1 night b&b near a kennel I plan to visit. Still figuring out the rental car rates and insurance.

I'm "hungry", but not sure if tummy hungry or brain hungry. Probably the latter.
 
Saturday

I'm home. Will not see Dad and Peaches until after my trip.

Not sure when I will transfer diary to new forum. Seems right when I have space to collect myself and do a reset. May or may not be this week.

Collecting myself is what today and tomorrow are about. I have loads of things to do in preparation for this trip. I'm glad it is cooler out and I was able to turn the A/C noise off. Now, the neighbor wailing his guitar in the garage is the only intruding noise on my peace. In fact there is a gentle rain and quiet hush over the neighborhood currently which I heartily approve of.

My energy level is unfortunately off. Its a bit from low level anxiety about the trip. But the bigger factor is probably poor quality sleep at Dad"s. The house is just so darn warm and humid at night for sleeping, and sometimes his tv sound or swearing at frustrations comes thru the walls. 6AM there is no long slow wake up, it's get him coffee, help him weigh, take care of his personal care needs, feed and walk the dog, and make breakfast, all by 7. Then clean up kitchen, then clean him up and dress him. By 7:30-8 all is done and he is settled in to watch tv. Or sometimes we mix it up and go out to breakfast. Either way, there is no room to sleep in even a little, it throws everything off and there is a schedule for meds etc.

I am glad Peaches tolerated her oral surgery quite well, she felt pretty good. Make it of course easier on all of us and although I stayed an extra night, I left knowing all was well.

Just weighed, 192.5. I haven't run/walked in several days, and even then it wasn't a full workout. My head has been fuzzy and less clear.

I told Proggy that we can't get together this weekend, and I think if I can get some more trip prep done I will feel more settled and excited about it again. Still so much to do. Some of it is legit (confirm medical insurance coverage, confirm phone will work). Some things are already pretty squared due to prior travel experience (power converters, pocketful of Euros). But the STUPID part is not having clothing which fits and literally having to try on and potentially have to shop for clothing. I probably won't bother to replace my trench coat on short notice, but I do have to make sure that my rain layer will fit over lawyers with warm hoodies. It will be colder, windy and possibly rainy on the coast. And do I have enough panties which comfortably fit? My expectation is that by the time I get done trying things on, I will be resigned to just bringing/wearing jeans for everything, Even so, I think my big girl jeans are too long and need a hem. Gah.

And again, that is the STUPID part. The part where checking out of taking care of my physical well being and appearance is coming home to roost. The part where it is unnecessarily far too hard to pack and go. The part where once again the size of larger clothes takes up more space/weight in the suitcase.

Another STUPID thing is trying to get critical passwords into a password keeper so that I can avoid taking written passwords on my person. (What are the key one to bring anyway)?

But it is where I am, and in a week or so I will be on the other side of this process. Before I go, I can work to have my weight a hair under 190. I can have my wardrobe right sized so I can find things again. I can have a better situation with backups for my passwords.

I had really better get going, had't I?!
 
Investigated phone functionality and cost. Crossed that off list. BCBS is not,open today, rescheduled that call for Monday.

Ran to bank to deposit check and get cash. Mostly because dealing w all the clothes is too much today.

I feel so tired. I'll try to get laundry done a bit later. Things are coming together bit by bit, not feeling panicked.
 
I napped, wow. Felt a bit better. Started laundry. Reading a bit to relax.

Jason texted me a day or two again that he was coming into town for a few days. Wants to get together. Or maybe when he is in back in 6 weeks. I haven't responded. I have not seen or even talked on the phone in 10 years. Maybe this is one way my weight gain has served me, it has made me too ashamed to get together with old flames. But it also is postponing possible resolution and closure (Jason, AN, maybe even W).

This is the thing about starting a new diary. it's a clean sheet. Who stays in this diary and who appears in the new one? My life has slowed down and become rather boring. I feel boring. Maybe it's hard to leave an old diary because the new one will force me to confront how isolated I have become and how much life energy I used to have. But can also be a catalyst for new, fresh growth and ideas. So, do I start anew just before this trip, this Irish Adventure? Maybe the answer should be a resounding YES! Turn the page, start anew, and leave the old thoughts and feelings behind.

If a Jason or an AN or BG or an S show up, let it be because they have earned the privilege of being re-admitted to my life and my time. OK then. Let's roll.
 
Fiera said:
Today met Proggy and his friends at annual music fest. Wx turned out comfortable. Music was a bit lesser caliber than usual. It finally got going with a female blues singer/piano player. But at that point Proggy and his friends were done and went home. I stayed about 1/2 hour longer and went home. Proggy and I didn't have much to say during the time we went outside so he could grab pizza. I doubled up my antidepressant today in the hopes it might help me feel more social and talkative. But talking over loud music and a crowd was making me irritable. And I think overall what I might need more is along time and exercise.

My skin started showing some effects of recent dietary indiscretions and stress. A few scaly patches in typical spots. Under my watch and "down there". Moving on...

Thursday was the annual 4th bbq with the Mexican family. I was kinda bummed out while there...Proggy was subdued and I had a couple of drinks. A couple of them women came over and talked about struggles/situations they were dealing with. One is 62 and looking for a job....Proggy has it even worse but he didn't say anything. And the other woman asked how many dogs I have now and without any condolences launched into her own sadness about her two dogs who are both aging and failing....I am glad people feel like they can open up to me but it really did nothing to help me have the fun time I was hoping for to let off some steam.

One of the guys in the family, who I have slowly developed an interest in, kissed me a couple of times and then unexpectedly he went for a full on open mouth tongue in make out kiss....I pushed him away and then it was awkward. He apologized later. I am not some girl in a bar and I feel like if he liked and respected me he would not have done it. I'm sure alcohol played a factor. I think we are both OK putting it behind us but I was already feeling some attraction anxiety around him before that happened, and I don't have a good way to turn that off.

It's typically because I get way too ahead of the game and start thinking about long term scenarios i.e. I don't date someone unless I see them as a partner. CB thinks I should just hang out with him and get to know him better and have some fun. But I also am concerned that it could upset the apple cart of our happy little gatherings and shift everything if I got involved with him. I might be overthinking it.

Yesterday we went to a movie, then dinner, picking up a friend of theirs. Altogether we were out of the house almost 8 hours. I had no interest in any of it, yet I am needed to help get dad in and out of places and take him into bathrooms to help him urinate without making a mess.

Where was the joy? At the bbq and at the music festival? Both days had good ingredients. I am just so flat, depressed. Ugh. Well, I will keep taking the additional antidepressant for a few days. Perhaps it will help. Also, Peaches goes to play bingo tomorrow so I can relax a bit with my Dad without having to accommodate another person. It's tiring.
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It sounds like you're going through a lot of emotional and physical strain right now. It can be tough when you're doing your best to engage socially, but you're still feeling disconnected and drained. It's clear you're trying to balance everything — from helping your dad to dealing with your own mental health, and the emotional complexities around your relationships.


It’s understandable to feel flat and disappointed when events don’t bring the joy you hoped for, especially when you're already feeling irritable or overwhelmed. The whole situation with Proggy and the guy at the BBQ shows that you're navigating a lot of uncomfortable emotions, and it makes sense that you’re questioning how to move forward, especially with the potential of overthinking.


It's important to recognize that it’s okay to have these down moments, and your feelings of being drained are valid. Sometimes, a little distance from social situations, focusing on self-care like exercise, and having that quiet time can help reset your energy. The additional antidepressant might help, but be kind to yourself and allow room for rest and reflection. Taking small steps, like finding moments of peace when Peaches is gone, could give you the space you need.


Remember that it’s okay to take a step back, prioritize your own needs, and not have everything figured out right now. You're doing your best, and that's all anyone can ask for.
 
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