Fiera Fights Back

Apparently I was not decompressed quite enough because when I returned Proggy's call, and he started poking around about whether Peaches had revealed her secret motive for asking whether we were going out of town this weekend, I ended up venting pretty much everything above to him. I really hope I am done now.

I went to pick up my new power washer, another set of work gloves and some lawn and leaf bags. 2.99 at A hardware for 5...so much cheaper than online A. Oh, I cracked and bought a pack of cigarettes after grocery shopping and they have crossed the $20 mark. For one pack. After being so careful at the grocery store to pick things on sale/store brand and actually use my coupons. Disgusting. Premium was $6 a gallon, regular $5.

This is another thing about going out to my Dad's...it is costing me over $20 per trip out there just in gas. I really need to start watching where my money is going. Which reminds me, my internet bill just doubled and I need to call them. Prices are going up so quickly, it just leaves one stunned. At least it will help me quit smoking.

Oh, Proggy's unemployment just ran out. So there's that. :/ I am worried about his mental state if he cannot afford to at least get a few beers at the street fests. I'm making brats tonight, at least those are cheaper than the fest food. Bummed for him. He did have a good interview yesterday but two other jobs where he was close to an offer did not pan out...one he was a runner up, and one the guy ghosted him after a couple of phone and an in person interview which were sort of,dragged out over time. It plays with one's head, even though he has tried to rally his spirits around me. If he doesn't get something soon it's going to get desperate.

Ok done now. Time to heat up the grill and pull some more weeds.
 
Thanks for answering my question. You have way too much going on with your Dad to have a dog! What a complicated life, Fiera with so much pressure on you. Take care of yourself as best you can :grouphug: Your health is as important as anyone's.
 
Sunday

Had a good time yesterday at fest with Proggy; we took a train and got there at Noon when it opened. We walked and shopped the vendorbooth and I got an bacon-brie-fig empanada from the truck before this favorite flavor sold out, as it often does. After an hour we found a bar behind the main stage where we could sit and have a couple of drinks and some wings. I picked up a cute skull hoodie from a vendor and the sun and heat sapped us pretty quickly. We found a nearby park and sat in the shade on a bench for a full hour before finally being rested enough to walk and catch the train back home.

Dinner was tavern style pizza from an old fashioned Italian pizzeria which he had read about. It was ok but not great, the sausage was not spicy enough for me, but the crust being hard and lacking flavor was the real disappointment after rave reviews. Cardboard. I would give them another try on a different day in case they just had an off day with their dough but I have had better.

After resting at home again Proggy mentioned ice cream so we ran out to get a couple of scoops. The price was nuts. Also they are puffing air into the ice cream these days which makes it easier to scoop and cuts down on the price. Sigh. Well, I guess it is fewer calories that way but for the money I was expecting better.

Proggy is so dead set on moving to where I live, while the cost of living to me is a factor which makes me want to move. Well, nothing is likely to happen in the near term. Getting clutter out of the house towards eventually moving is always on the to-do list. One of the dog rescue girls is supposed to come by later and help me look for donations for the reunion/fundraiser. It will go faster and help me get it done if I have help and company.

I have not been fully successful in putting my priorities in action with Proggy around. I HAVE done well at leaving him alone in the living room to watch tv and getting to bed IN my bedroom on schedule. That is a shift from previous when we would stay up late watching tv and I would nap fitfully in the recliner while he occupied the couch I normally slept on. However I have not gotten up gone running in spite of having the clothes laid out on my night stand. So easy to make excuses. At least we got in close to 3 miles walking yesterday. But that really doesn't move the needle in terms of getting closer to actually running again. I slept in later than I expected and he was up at 7:30 instead of his former usual 9A so that is part of it also. I need to just go, even if he wakes up, and have coffee together when I am done and not before, It makes a difference that 3 miles is taking an hour instead of 30 minutes right now, but it will not improve without effort and losing some weight! Gah! Treat/fest days are nice but time to get back with the program. Fish tacos sounds good for dinner.
 
Monday

Proggy has gone home a bit ago, after staying an extra day. I didn't mind but things were getting to a point where I had exhausted things to do together and I needed some alone time. I did work on some ideas for my ireland trip/itinerary last night and worked on some laundry today. He came with me this morning to the indoor track (too humid and warm here to work out outdoors). I cut it a bit shorter than I would have if he was not there, but 33 mins was sufficient. I did 4w/1jagain and that was going well. The weather is going to be hot and steamy all week so I may just go back to the indoor track.

Yesterday he also helped me organize some CD's and go thru about 30 to take to the store. Dupes and things I don't care much about. But there is still an entire set of them in my dining room which may have dupes. It is progress though, and I was able to reduce the downstairs collection from 4 to 3 storage boxes and alphabetize which will help identify more dupes

LG also came over and was a huge help getting donated items gone through. We tossed some expired cookies and got all the leashes collars and coats gone that can't be used for transports. Also a few raised feeders and a food storage container. We have a "gently used" resale once per year coming up; what we don't resell to our own adopters gets donated to local shelters. It was so nice getting all that stuff out of the back basement and out of my kitchen. Along the way we encountered some stinky coats which need washing before they get sent home for fosters, so adding those in to the laundry I am doing today.

I got most of my laundry put away, I had like 6 hoodies which needed to be hung up in the front closet or my bedroom closet. I'm finally pretty much done unpacking from the 3 month stint at Dad's. It feels good to reassess and get rid of some things

Yesterday the scale was 191.6 or so, but it was helpful to see that it shows my body composition trend as losing fat and gaining muscle. I overate with Proggy here but we also walked a lot this weekend. Yesterday evening we took a drive to get out of the house and ended up along the lake near a campus...a little enclosed park, and further up a beach with a pretty view of the lake and a kayaker practicing rolling over and then uprighting himself. It was pleasant just before dark and I remarked to Proggy that I felt like I was having more of these moments now where I feel more like a human being and less of a human doing. Like I was living my life again, even if it is just until the next episode with Dad's health.

It sure does make me more grateful for the things and the moments which make my life uniquely mine.

I felt a sense of satisfied resolution after discovering L's WTBB set amomg the basement CD's. When we were dating we were both into the same music and had gone together and purchased our own copies of WTBB and they were sequentially numbered. After he passed and all of his stuff was cleared out I regretted that I didn't think to ask his cousin to look for that. It just made me sad that it ended up in a landfill or at best went to goodwill where it was probably deemed junk. And it was here the entire time. I went back upstairs to make sure it was really his copy and that mine was still intact in the dining room. I might pass it along to his good friend JAB but first I think I will milk it for its nostalgia value.

Poor L. I think of him often. I really wish a lot of things had gone differently. But I never reach the conclusion that the divorce was unnecessary or wrong. It was just so sad how he ended up. So. Flipping. Sad. But there is a lot of good to remember and cherish too. And the WTBB is certainly a reminder of the best of times. That is what I will choose to remember and celebrate today. Youth, vibrance, energy, humor, style, and unburdened. The best of times.
 
Tuesday

Well, with the alone time I elected to polish off some white wine, which led to me eating everything. Consequently, I awoke feeling bloated. The weather is really poor, with humidity in the house sitting at 76%, even with both AC units running. It is dangerous for vulnerable people and uncomfortable for those unused to it.

The Olympics are on, which I always enjoy. It was a compromise with Proggy here to not watch much except limited highlights. Now I will just leave the tv on. It bothers me in recent times that all you get to watch is the home team athletes. I want to watch more but I think only the subscription specialty sports streams have it.

Yesterday I dealt with my internet provider, I barely use it but when I do I want it to be reliable and secure, and have been loathe to go with a cellular option. So my price even after trying (without success) to haggle went up $16 per month. It actually went up $36 per month until I told them to cut it from 300 to 150mbps. Inflation. It is relentless and being a single person with household bills is not very cost effective. Maybe Proggy and I will eventually combine households since dating someome is nowhere on my radar.

I know I need to take this free day and be constructive with it. If I cannot tolerate the heat, I need to do other activities. I have avoided hauling the heavy portable dehumidifier upstairs (because it has a job to do downstairs) but it would probably help.

Contacts/glasses plan, appointment
Finish putting ALL laundry/travel kits away
Look for zoning documents/arrange offload
Indoor track
Excess vitamins put away
Ireland trip planning!

With the rising temp, the A/C is running more and the humidity is down to 70% in here. It feels incrementally better. US just won their match in beach volleyball (it was a very tight match with Morocco). I'm on to my mug of coffee after matcha. Changed a load of laundry. Things are trending well. No more drinking to alleviate ennui. I have stuff to do and a life to live!
 
Mood uplift - trying to squish yet another handful of tshirts into my t-shirt drawer, I recognized "this just isn't working". In reality, most of the shirts don't fit. There are about 10-12 which are old concert shirts I don't wish to get rid of, but I don't wear them. They can go into storage with some of my favorite memorabilia. Then I grabbed some jeans out of the jeans drawer. Size 8? Haven't seen that since Proggy and I were dating. Those can go somewhere too. I am loathe to get rid of perfectly good jeans altogether. I don't expect to be size 4 again, but size 8 is realistic. It feels better to have room in the drawers and be able to SEE what is in there and know that it can fit me. This is just a first pass, there is more I can do. It helps that so much time has passed and I am focused more on making life liveable than I am hanging on to the past.

I felt freer as I made breakfast in my declutterred kitchen this morning. Huevos rancheros and and English Muffin (sans butter). I unloaded the dishwasher while the eggs were cooking. Something good is happening...a desire for simplicity and the energy and clarity to take small steps to do something about it.

Also - wow, women's rugby! I never really "got" the game when all those big burly muscle bound men were piling on and wrestling over a ball. The women's version it's just easier to see what is going on. It's like soccer and football in some ways, but better! More exciting!

OK back to doing my stuff. It's almost like I have the time and space to breathe and unpack and offload in a way that I haven't since....years.
 
Thursday

Home again, after spending last night at the sleep study clinic with Dad.

Enjoyed watching the women's gymnastics all around final today. Really exceptional.

Working to calm my reaction to a new house issue. Thought the cleaning lady left her vacuum on accident...couldn't get a hold of her...eventually realized she left it plugged into the bathroom outlet because the plug won't come out of the outlet. Not a big deal. Until after reaching out for advice I went down to the aged breaker box and it was making these little tiny high-pitched electronic squealing sounds. Not good. Went back upstairs and turned off the AC unit in the DR which I believe is on the same circuit. Backdownstairs and the squealing stopped. It's probably a sign that things are stable and therefore safe, but it has gone from a DIY receptacle replacement to something more serious and I called the electrician. Cleaning Lady wanted to have her hubby come replace the GFI but after the larger problem I told her to wait.

I just don't deal well with feeling unsafe in my home, or to be thinking it's team to update the electrical. But maybe it is time. The pushmatic breakers are so old they don't make parts for them any more. I suspect the squealing was due to a circuit which should have tripped but didn't. Sad face.

I think my anxiety was already elevating due to planning this trip to IE. Too much indecision, too much driving in too short of a time frame to get to anywhere interesting from Limerick. I'll revisit tomorrow.

Anyway, it's something that I am able to feel the tension in my body and get it to forcibly release. Going to read for a while which should also help.
 
Fri

Electrician came, pulled plug right out. Unable to replicate the noise from breaker board. Had him do the work to run the AC on its dedicated line/receptacle. Coming back Tues to replace wonky light fixtures in dog reception area. I need to go shopping.

Really happy I came back early last night and was able to deal with it first thing this morning. Now it is not hanging over my head.

CB this morning, we are both happy that I am doing better. I pointed out that my Dad being in a better place has permitted me to (temporarily) be free to live my own life. She also point out that KDog was also requiring caretaking the past two years, which was a heavy consideration. Not only that, but even before that KDog had stress colitis which was was limiting my willingness and ability to travel. And before that 3 years of EDog's cancer and a number of Dad hospitalizations/recovery support.

As I crowed about better energy, less procrastination, doing some declutterring, feeling physical sensations in my body again she said she wanted to make a point. Several times I had said "I feel like I am inhabiting my own life again," even if I am not entirely sure what the shape of that looks like.

In her view it not only is it about relief from caretaking Dad and KDog. But also, the friends requiring so much support/attention/ maintenance are also absent
AN, S she named, but I would add BG and W and CC to that list); Proggy has been better as of late and also was even helpful with a few things around the house last weekend). She said "you are allowing yourself to take up space in your life" and I was like "yeah, you nailed it".

PLUS add that to what I was experiencing at work.

So, I'm feeling good today. 🙂 Happy.

Too busy for brekkie, but I just had a lean queen for lunch. Have the rest of the day to do *me* things and then Proggy will be up for the weekend. Another street fest, maybe a good dinner out on Sunday to celebrate that he starts a job next Thursday.

I'm still in awe of the truth that burst open. I knew it, but to lay it out and call it by its name from the other side of a very long deep valley and know that tasting the fruits of freedom I don't want to go back...it's a quiet joy. It's like finally being older and wiser to not date a push-pull jerk like TB. Or pursue the intrigue of a Jason.

Of course now I am also sleeping in a bed (MY BED) at home, the quiet, withiut interruptions and am even reading a bit. Exercising a bit more. All of which are supportive of my mental and physical health.

As she pointed out, being without a dog is contributing to the freedom and flexibility I feel right now. I need to not be in a hurry to get another dog. I am saving a ton of vet dog care money which I now use to justify not worrying about the costs of this trip, or treating Irish Friend!

I also feel more forgiving of myself for not having my sh*t together while all this stuff has been going on. Even though a lot of it was self-inflicted/permitted, I did the best that I could to meet everyone else's needs. I really have no boundaries and see my job as doing my best to provide what the other person needs - without them having to ask for it. I hope I can just step back and not be in a hurry to fill the void and watch the magic unfold.

My life, unfolding on its own. The last time I had this was in 2008-2010...until work bulking started up again and I met toxic TB

One thing I can say is that you can rarely know how friendships will evolve, and there are going to be periods where normal, healthy people need an extra life and support. That is part of the natural give and take. But when it goes on for months and years, when I feel myself taking responsibility for how the other person feels or what they need (esp without ASKING!) it is a huge red flag and one I certainly hope I can recognize before I go down that path again.

Hey, I'm mid 50's. Slow learner, but it never too late....
 
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Saturday

I stayed up late watching the olympics and spending hours trying to find LED equivalents to my 4 bulb 4" fluorescent lights. (The electrician gave me some suggestions on Kelvin (color) and brightness (lumens). But not sure what exactly will cast similar to 4*40w original fluorescent tubes in a wraparound fixture. And of course with LED's if you get it wrong you are stuck with it or have to replace the entire unit versus fluorescents you can just tweak the bulb. I am not a fan of this new technology. And there are so many fixtures sold now which are not UL tested. I finally knocked off and will take a fresh look at it this morning.)

Somehow, although it was later than usual, like 11:30, I got off the couch, cranked up both A/C's so it would get nice and cold, and made it to the bedroom. Yay! And I just love my comfy bed.

It was nice sleeping in. My alarm went off at 8. My mind combed through looking for a reason. "Did I forget an appointment? Click. Click. Click. Oh, it must be my 8AM reminder to take my meds/supps." Yay sleep!

Every morning 8 make my bed and take my book, phone and water glass back into the living room. Just that little bit of tidying up sets up a foundation of organization and simplicity for the day, and then I return to a nice bed every evening. I am really trying to stop using the bed as a depository for laundry or travel kit, so that it is ready and welcoming when I get sleepy. I am really happy with how this one improvement is coming along,

Yesterday afternoon I multi-phase cleaned the dining room A/C, which had been on the eco setting while away at Dad's and was getting that musty smell. Now that I know a "good enough" way to deal with that problem, and I have the tools. it is just a task to be done. Didn't create any anxiety. The den A/C, which was on "constant on" while away, is still fine. It's the eco setting which brings in moisture and traps it on the fan wheel with its 80 or so little hamster wheel blades.

Anyhow, for a few blessed moments here, I have them both turned off and am enjoying the silence and relief from the white noise. 20 minute reprieve while the overnight cold air lingers, then it will be back to buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Heat and humidity have been bad again, which are a deterrent to exercising. Also I have somewhat used Proggy's presence as an easy out. He is coming up again this weekend. I toyed with telling him not to come but he is desperate to come to the city and also celebrate his getting a job, which starts next Thursday. I'm sure we will have fun but I also wish it was not so hot/humid as the street fest will burn us out and we won't feel like doing chores. Overall though I am getting lots of things done and coping better.

The lightness of not having to worry about / tend to my Dad, EDog, Proggy, S, AN, SOMEONE constantly is really nice. I completely recognize and accept that I am going to find myself as a caretaker again. But maybe not for so many people? Maybe not to the degree and extent and duration that I have in the past.

I am starting to feel a quiet joy in the freedom to attend to my own life. To identify and pursue my own interests and to explore and to do what comes organically. Is this selfish? I don't know. It is who I am though. I never wanted kids. I value spontaneity and doing what comes naturally, not having a rigid schedule or lots of plans. When I would run (training), I planned my schedule a few days at a time, depending on the sun or the wind or the rain, and wherever-wherever it was cooler/warmer/drier. Or kayaking, Or baseball games, often a game-day decision.

Well, I could philosphize a bit longer but I would like to get my day going. :)
 
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Monday

Still experiencing mood uplift. It makes me happy just to feel more human. ❤️

Proggy came around lunch time Sat. It was HOT and humid, we left for EP fest around 2:30 with the idea we could duck into a bar if it got too hot. We heard a good band right off, and the fest was fairly empty and we walked it pretty quickly, not much to look at in terms of vendors. So went and sat in a restaurant/bar patio and had a drink and lots of water, patio umbrella providing sun relief and still in earshot of music. End up coming back to OIB for nosh (salads, nachos) and another drink. Sunday went grocery shopping and to some hardwares to figure out a solution for my lights in the basement which no longer work reliably. Haven't found anything which feels right yet. Had tacos from the yum place down the block for dinner. Had Olympics and old movies on the tube.

Proggy and I have plans in the hometown next weekend. I feel like I need some time off from him but I'm hoping this week will do the trick.

My optometrist moved, and the replacements are both pretty young, so I located a new doc and made an appointment. Should be able to get me sorted before I go to Ireland and have to drive over there, yikes.

This morning is overcast and muggy. We had t storms overnight. I made a to do list last night and after Proggy left I put oil and washer fluid in the car, put the leftover fine sand from Dad's into the pavers in the front, and cleaned up old wood and setting sand from the front bed. Still need to to a bit more, the sand was heavy and I have not been lifting anything, and the air is oppressive, so I petered out after I got the bags to the back yard. Plus they were gross with slime. One more push and I will have them out behind the garage.

I really enjoy having my life back. Last night after seeing photo on social of Peaches' ggs 1st bday, I felt happy that I had not had to go out there. I have nothing in common with her family, and I certainly don't want to spend tprime on/with them. The feeling of active indifference is not doubt mutual. I realized that I spend more time seeing and enabling Peaches' family than I do my own friends. I'll take care of my Dad and facilitate Peaches seeing her family, but we don't have to participate if we don't feel like it. This upcoming weekend there is a restaurant dinner of my Dad's circle and Proggy and I will visit first and then go to that.

May go to a baseball game this week, Proggy will come if the cost is within his budget. It was a bit frustrating for me, as my impulse was just to get tickets and fox the plans, but instead it is a matter of watching websites and searching options. Oh well. It will be fun if it works out. Just spending too much time on it.

That's about it for now. Feels good to have the house to myself. Still sleeping in the bed and making the bed, though with Proggy here I stayed up until 12 and first dozed off in the recliner before moving to the bedroom. Keep missing the end of these old movies lol.
 
Random Thoughts

It occurred to me this morning while cleaning out a catch-all storage bin that the path to serenity in part involves in stopping the questions. In other words, I spent my 40"s trying to dig deep, turn myself inside out, figure out who I am, where I want to go. I really felt like I was meant to be/do something extraordinary with the freedom I had been given after my divorce. A chance for self-discovery, Fiera Anew.

I can hear AN's voice, "question everything". But after a while, discovering the source of your dysfunction, and fighting it, and trying to break free of it, gets tiring. I don't know if this means I have simply given up. Maybe I just need some time to collect and reset. Maybe I'm getting older and a different philosophy about life is starting to take root. No doubt I am more boring and less vibrant than I was when I was fit and in shape and always active. Maybe losing weight is the key to finding that energy to grow and really grab life by the b*lls. Today, I'm just kind of here.

Avoidance. A what a joy robber. What am I avoiding and why?
I'm avoiding writing Irish Friend and making plans. Why? Because I am avoidant about making travel plans for one. And because I need to write a relatively detailed email delicately addressing finances, COVID, driving, schedule etc.

Meantime: Recd text from cousin J re being in town for biz Weds and dinner, drinks? I am really not feeling excited about committing to things. I'm already planning to go to the baseball game that afternoon and so this make it in to a "double header" of activity. I am proud of myself for *asking for what I need* ... if she wants to make the long drive in traffic to meet near my house after the game that's fine. If not, we can catch up next time she comes thru.
 
Tuesday

Today I am running a bit sluggish. A combination of last nights' snacking (incl cheese) and margaritas, a 4AM rumbler which got me up sounding like an intruder in the house, overcast weather. I ended up hitting the snooze after the alarm went off at 8, and now having coffee after matcha, hoping it will give me the needed boost. I need to head out at 11:30 for dental work (crown replacement) and it's never great to feel a bit of nausea and tummy discomfort for that sort of thing. Blech.

However, it was grand last night to turn on/up music for the the first time in ages. Danced around a little. Annoyed the neighbors probably.

Did swallow the frog after the last post. That analogy works. Emailed Irish Friend and invited her to take a little trip at my expense if she desires.

Need to start working out again. The humidity has been so bad. Today the temp finally dropped and while the air is still quite thick it is at least not hot. I got on the scale yesterday but it was after lunch I think, not the low point of the day. I have been more or less maintaining due to total steps though none of it is cardio. Not going to get me where I want and need to go. I just can't seem to remain focused on physical goals. Yet I know that in 2 weeks I am going to have to get into jeans which are a size too small...

Just getting back under 190 would be a good start. It should only take a week of effort. Can I just focus for ONE WEEK? I can't seem to stick the landing for ONE DAY. It might be useful to review a few techniques:
1. Brush teeth/floss/white strips
2. Wait 15 minutes, check in, am I hungry or HABIT
3. Go to bed early
4. 100 calorie snack-buster snacks (apple, cucumber, applesauce, nuts etc)
5. Remind myself how much better I feel waking up empty

It is so nice in here in the quiet without the A/C running. :)

What else is on the agenda? Well, possibly a walk or walk jog outdoors. Getting the new power washer out of the box and understanding how it works and when to add soap/cleaner. Check in with Proggy about baseball tickets.

Maybe I'll read a few diaries for inspiration before I go make brekkie.
 
Feel like I might need to check in here more than usual today.

Brekkie: 2 eggs, 1 large banana

Going to dentist reminded me of when I went in January after saying goodbye to KDog. Not only did the app they have play EDog's song Brown Eyed Girl (Dog), but a couple of songs later it played Your Song, which I used to sing to K, and I started crying and had them stop the cleaning and switch the radio up. I looked up the lyrics just now, because there are still parts I futzed through and always meant to look them up, and I started crying. "How wonderful life is when KDog's in the world".

Well, I cannot ruminate long as I must get in the shower and off to my appointment. But I guess this stuff is going to bubble up from time to time, especially with no current pup to love on. Maybe I'll go take a walk one of the rescue peeps today.
 
Oooh. That was a long dentist appt. It was supposed to be 1:45 and ran 2:30. After removing the old crown she decided there wasn't enough natural tooth to work with and ended up building up and putting in a post. Usually chatty, she was fairly quiet except for the music playing. Afterward, she called it "challenging". Yeah, for me too, and the dentist doesn't usually drain me the way it did today. I felt tired and depressed afterward, amplifying the low mood of this morning.

My malaise was present during my checkin call with Proggy, I may or may not go to the ballgame tomorrow, but it won't be with him in any event; he is opting to avoid the long day the day before he starts his new job.

Watched an emotionally mournful movie early. Now putting on the Holdovers, which we saw in the theater, the algorhytm suggested it. .

I ate a number of things between 3:30 and 6. 2 lean cuisines (700). Large scoop of PB. 1/2 dark choc. Good sized portion of peanuts in shell. Stopped at 6. Took a Tmax. Brushed teeth. Settling in for trying to no snack for the rest of the evening. 3 hours til bed time.
 
I failed on snacks last night, And usual not just a little snack, but an eat-until-satiated scrounging. So, brie bite, ham, tortilla, and the other 1/2 dark chocolate, to my recollection. Between 8 and 8:30. I did still brush my teeth again and go to bed at 9:30 with my night guard on, and pretty sure I slept nearly 10 hours, waking up briefly at 4:30 and then with the alarm at 8.

My step count was exceptionally low yesterday. 3,175. But my mood was really low all day and I'll jist have to look away and ignore it.

I expected a cooler morning but the sun is bright and shines into my den without the trees. It just never seems to get cool in the house any more, even at night. Well, hopefully only a few more weeks of this.

Still undecided about baseball game today. It is a good way to get some exercise in while I take transit and do some walking around. But after getting the dentist bill yesterday I might just save up a little before my trip.
 
Received feedback from Irish friend which will help me settle my trip planning. I may fudge my calendar dates a bit further.

Showered and got ready as if to go to ball game. But wavering on purchasing a ticket. It's not the price of a ticket, it's the absurd extra fees the resale sites add. One used to be able to head over to the ball park and buy a ticket on the street. Sadly that is no longer possible as everything is electronic. And the fees make me sick. So am still sitting here, watching the sites and the clock. Worst case I'll just watch the game on tv and make a hot dog and be $100 better off.
 
Well...1:40 to game time and the ticket dropped to $48 "all in" for a very good single seat. Transit was timely and cheap. I splurged and had lunch and a beer in addition to my refillable (free) water bottle. Wx was superb. Approx 1:15 of sun and 1:30 of shade. Home team won. Seat neighbors were decent and no one was drunk yelling/loud talking/boorish.

Ready for a napish. End to end was about 5.5 hours. Noticed my recent lack of exercise while walking to train. Wow. I might be struggling a bit on this trip with my suitcase and in other ways. Well. Got a couple of weeks yet.
 
That's great that you got to the baseball at a reasonable price. That was one thing I maybe should have done when I was in Baltimore. I have a tiny Baltimore Orioles tracksuit on a doll somewhere that my sister sent me when I had my first son.
I'm glad you are going to Ireland, Fiera. We all need something good to look forward to. I like that you have typed in my diary. People are friendly in our forum & we all appreciate mutual support xo
 
Thursday

The house hasn't cooled off much. I need to get the power washer going and clean the stinky back deck to have the den windows fully open. I'm avoidant because it has been quite hot and I'm out of shape but also there is an element of danger and uncertainty around how to use the power washer properly. Maybe some yt videos will help. "Power washing for absolute beginners."

I am a bit worried about structuring my time in Ireland. My friend has written back that she doesn't desire to travel, and it is difficult for her physically. What will I do out in the country without all the dogs she used to have? I hope that she has some projects for me, pulling weeds, cleaning, painting. Otherwise I fear it will be a mental challenge.

I will also admit I am worried about FOOD. The other times I was her house guest I was thin and fit and wasn't dealing with food addiction. I typically would buy eggs, bread, lunch meat and cheese for brekkie and lunch, and for dinner we might have chicken or salmon or something. I am going to be starving! I ran into this at my Dad's and I would sometimes drive into town and buy snack foods and "secretly" eat them to quell my impulses at night. This (in)ability to sit with being hungry is going to a completely different level. Well, some ideas for snacks that I can have around will be oatmeal packets and instant soups. And remember that tiring oneself out is the best way to be able to fall asleep hungry at night.

Once I put together a travel schedule it may become more clear that many or most days I will actually be leaving the premises and traveling somewhere, even to town. It's silly to worry about it, but then, I am just being honest about how my food addiction is inserting itself into what should be a relaxing trip.

A call for support was raised on a landmark application that I support for a building which once housed a famous record label. I would need to leave here around 11:30 to be in the courtroom for 12:45 proceedings, given then somewhat unpredictable transit connection times. Guess I will see how the morning goes.

Proggy is at his new job this morning. I really hope it turns out well, but I know he is disappointed in both the pay and the location. He has so few options at 64.5 and I remind him that a job where he doesn't have to work himself to death is a plus at his age. He just needs a couple more years under his belt, but he was counting on increased salary to elevate his eventual social security payments. At least he is in good shape for his age physically, though mentally the times has been rough on him.

It's time to shake out and get the day started. I stayed up too late watching a move that I thought ended at 11:30, and ran until 12:30 with commercials. Ooops.
 
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