Oh, Fiera. I don't think I could live without a dog. A part of you is missing. Tell me again why you can't get another dog. Why can't you take a dog to your father's house when you visit?
Here is how I view it (writing out more for myself to review/rethink) First, there is their little dog, and when we go out to eat, shop whatever I would have to crate my dog....it would take a long time before I would be convinced it would be safe to leave them alone together. Not insurmountable though. Second is Peaches' habit of leaving doors open carelessly because their own dog won't leave her side - it's a safety issue. Third is another dog is going to be a challenge when I am with them or him alone in FL (dogs have to be leashed walked, 3rd floor condo, and I am already sometimes walking their own dog a few times per day). Fourth is these hospital stays take everything....I stay around the clock with him in hospital and then a good part of the day in rehab...my house is an hour away. When I had KDog and was running back and forth to my house with a walker supporting it was a terrible strain. I'd have to try to find someone to take my dog while that is going on. I just don't have the energy for all the logistics any more, which is why I stayed at their house for 3 months this last go 'round. Bottom line, I have chosen to support my Dad's QOL rather than get another dog. It is too much. I will hold out until I cannot hold out any more, and am hoping to get some travel in during the times when Dad is doing better and Peaches can handle things on her own.
It is sad however. This could go on for years. Maybe at some point I will change my attitude. If they no longer went to FL in the winters and I moved close to where they live it would change things.
Speaking of....
I have to get this down and out of my system because I vented at Peaches a little this morning. A couple of days ago, I knew something must be up when she asked me if Proggy and I were still planning on going out of town this weekend. I had blocked it off with her a month ago and it had been confirmed a couple of times since then. I told her that was still the plan. She asked me again after I arrived there yesterday. Now, Proggy and I have changed our minds and are staying in town and going to a fest and hanging out, but that doesn't mean I am available. But rather than have a to-do, I just told her that we were still going and she said "OK, have fun!"
She then went into plans for next Spring - my Dad had already warned me that she was going to do state instead of National bowling tournament and that it was probably still going to be on my BDay weekend...as it is EVERY years. It's irritating, but I never complain openly because I need to support her doing the things she likes once in a while, with the women she has been doing it with for yeras, and she has no control over the scheduling. OK, I resolved, I'll block it off. Then Christmas. She already had said and I had already agreed that I would fly down so she could come home for Christmas with her family. which will be the 28th. So we looked at schedules and flights are already very pricey...we worked something out (this will take 6 days for me, 4 for her) and my ticket is still $550. I asked my Dad to split it with me. He said no. Then she got upset and said fine, then she won't come home for Christmas with her family. My Dad said he could stay by himself. I reminded him what happened the last time we let him stay by himself for Christmas (he ended up in the ER/hospital) due to exacerbating his CHF and I had to emergency fly down there to take care of him. My Dad asked why he had to pay for the ticket. I told him that it was to be supportive for Peaches to do something which is meaningful to her. I reiterated that I was just asking him to SPLIT it with me. I mean, why would I want to pay for it either? It's for HER. In the end he agreed to split the cost but I agree it's kind of taking on another expense that I shouldn't have to on her behalf. And 6 days out of my life. But OK. I like spending time with my Dad without her around so that will be nice for 4 days. My only condition is that I wanted to be home on New Years's (last year I wasn't so she could stay home longer, and I ended up feeling sad and empty on NYE at the condo complex, so at least I've managed that for myself.
Now. She finally outs with the fact that her family are all getting together for boating Saturday and she will skip that part and just come for the BBQ portion of the day with my Dad (which was why she was asking if I was going out of town). She wanted me to be around to bring him later so should could hang with all them all day. She sees them all the time! I'm glad I didn't tip my hand that Proggy and I are staying home, it's an hour drive to their house, then another hour to where her family is, all that driving to see people that neither my Dad or I get any enjoyment out of seeing PLUS we drive right by the kennel and I don't get to stop, we drive by EF and I don't get to visit, we drive past the hometown and there is no visiting there either, and there is just so little value in it. Once we had along time, my Dad and I both vented a little about how EVERY weekend there is something going on with that family that Peaches wants to go to. She basically really shapes her life around her family - she always has - but now it is every weekend.
I'd already booked off August 3 so I could take my Dad along to one of her grandkids' 1st BDay party and she could hang as long as she wanted. She seemed to have forgotten about that when she asked me to come out on the 10th for a restaurant dinner with the usual suspects at a place down the road from EF's house. I looked up at her sharply and said "Not EVERY weekend. You have to pick between those two." I mentioned that I was happy to come more during the weeks but the weekends are the only time that Proggy and I can do the summer fests and things that we like. I wish I hadn't been so sharp with my tone, but my Dad and I were both exasperated by then. So, she picked the restaurant thing and my Dad is now happy to be off the hook for the 1st BDay party which she then agreed he didn't need to go to anyway. I de-RSVP'd and now Proggy and I can do whatever we want that weekend. The weekend of the 10th I will probably have him out and we will see EF and her hubby.
I don't know why I suddenly reached a tipping point - but this is not the first time I have reached it with her planning. She's a planner. She is also not inside my head and it is up to me to speak up if I think she is being too unreasonable or one-sided. I wish I had handled it better. I just didn't catch that an explosion was brewing inside of me until it actually happened. I really should have apologized to her for my tone. She's just trying to live her life and see her family as much as possible before they go to FL for the winter. As much as she made it clear to my Dad that her family was her priority in life, and he made it clear to her that snowbirding was priority in HIS, it all kindof got jumbled together with me in the middle once he became unable to be left alone (we at least now are back to him being able to be alone for hours). And I did remind her, that only SHE can decide what kind of help she needs and when - brought on by her announcing that she wants to go back to bowling on Wednesday mornings this summer. GO! Who is stopping you? What kind of help do you need? She can't answer. Because in the end she wants to do it herself. Everytime I bring this up, she says oh it's not that bad, or I like to do it, or I'm retired, what else am I going to do anyway? So...
I guess I am satisfied with what we worked out. I really didn't want to drive 4 hours to spend 2 hours at some little kids' bDay party and my Dad didn't want to go either. The ticket for Christmas is already bought and my Dad already sent me half the airfare. We will get there. I think it was a good reminder to all of us on what is important to each other, what works, and options and alternatives to maintain balance.
I wished we enjoyed being with her family more, but it's just a gaggle of women who are absorbed with themselves, who gossip and are immature, and who likewise derive no pleasure or interest in our attendance. Dad is much happier staying home watching tv but he "doesn't want to disappoint" Peaches. Gah. Well in the end there are puts and takes and we have to figure it out.
And yes, she/they know I am not getting a dog due to my Dad's situation/supporting THEIR life, because I have been open about it with them.
Anyway, after dumping that all down I think I'm decompressed a little bit.