Fiera Fights Back

Monday

Oh happy me. Even though my den has an odor (filthy carpet? sun hitting old curtain fabric? rotten wood above in the attic?) I am feeling happy to be home. In my own space, alone, in the quiet (ignoring the A/C noise, which is not currently bothersome).

A layer of stress has just melted. We got dad to a 9A uro doc appt where he got the encouraging news that he only has to cath twice per week now and they will call us in 2-3 weeks. He seemed more encouraging and said that the more my dad walks, the more he will regain strength in his bladder. So now he resumed trying really hard (he kinda took the weekend off because his foot was hurting. I went to my haircut and the two of them went to lunch, and he actually got himself in and out of the house. Which was the first time the two of them were able to do it together. So now there is no reason I need to be back tonight except to help him get to PT tomorrow morning. Suddenly here I am, alternately sitting on my couch and getting things done. I almost don't dare to hope that soon I will be spending time blocks here. But things are getting a LOT better!

I made loose plans to get together with EF Weds after this hot spell blows out of here. We are sweltering. Big winds/derecho expected tonight though so gotta make sure I get back to Dad's before.

Also, there are some urgent to-do's for the house which I am reminded of while I am here. I have tall weeds in a couple of beds and mini-trees coming thru the grapevine along the fence, Everything has grown like crazy this year. The corn is super tall and hopefully will be a bumper crop.

Am getting ready for a meeting with a new tax guy tomorrow. If we don't hit if offand get what I need done, I will be switching to a full service financial firm.
 
Weigh In: 194.9
I definitely have been bulging a bit more lately.
I do wish I could have a dog to walk but it is not in the cards right now.
I wish I felt a passion to do something about fitness!
It was nice hearing about hairdresser's new relationship. I know that I will feel more like putting myself out there/opening up once I am manifesting a "love myself first" mindset! I'm the only one who can/will prioritize my health!
 
Thursday

Watching my mind awaken irritated and get moreso in the last couple of hours,
I awakened several times during the night - typical here - room too hot, dad making noise etc...then at 5:50 the think of Peaches dropping the soap getting into the shower on the other side of the wall. I knew it was nearly time to get up but O had planned to sleep in a little since we had nowhere to be until late morning. I did roll over and go back to sleep until 7. First thing I do is dash into the kitchen to start coffee for Dad, then matcha water for myself, then go to the bathroom. The pressure is on from the moment I wake up.

Peaches Is in an Uber good mood and is splatting herself all over us. She may be happy about the nice weather, about having a full day ahead with her friends playing cards and then bingo, she is probably ecstatic that I am going home, the weather is nice, etc. Plus, some good gossip from one of her grandkids. I didn't want to hear who. She put the speakerphone on and yelled over the tv in the same room as my Dad, Then kept the convo going while she cleaned and dressed him (which I planned to do in the blissful quiet after she left). She was giving him a really hard time this morning about not walking through his pain, which is pretty significant, and I told my dad, who was feeling quite discouraged, that it is HIS life and there is another approach - we get a scooter and a van and a caretaker and then he can do what he wants when he wants. She was stone cold silent. Of course, no one can ever have an actual conversation with the tv going.

The noise was so bad I spent an hour with the door shut, both doing my hair in the bathroom then putting clothes away in the bedroom. Thankfully, she has gone for a walk with the dog. I am glad for her that she is feeling chipper but she is being OBNOXIUOUS and I just needed to vent. I cannot stand the noise.
 
Friday

I continued to be irritated yesterday and I realize that some of this is beyond my control while much of it is within my control. Harboring resentments for a situation I have entered into willingly is within my control. I should simply accept that being temporarily in someone else's home means abiding by their rules and expectations (sweltering in the closed up house on a nice day for example. I am avoiding spending more time with old friends in this area not because I have zero free time, but because I am overweight and out of shape and look terrible. Nobody's fault but mine. I am in charge of what goes in my mouth and how much. It has just been too easy to eat poorly/too much/hoard. I have gone along with Peaches' social calendar because I accept all invites on behalf of my Dad to keep him out and about.

It all stops tomorrow. I have CB this morning and Peaches will take him to PT. Afterward, we take my Dad up north to a lunch and then boating with her daughter S/fiance. I expect to be too tired to drive home and will pack and go home in the morning. At that point, my home becomes my home base again and I just come out once or twice per week to help out and keep my dad company.

There is a certain sadness I feel about going back home. My downtrodden house with all its problems is still there. I feel that living in a clean, organized home has been happier and freeing for me. Can I translate that into some positive changes? Cleaning, decluttering, painting, and tackling larger projects? Or will depression and overwhelm once again be my primary lifestyle?

I should be delighted to be resuming and individual life again...and in part I am...but in part I also don't see myself resuming my usual social life or enjoyment activities because I am so fat. It's so easy to just self-soothe with food. It is hard to lose weight. But I am a good 20 pounds heavier than I was when I last rebooted my journal. I am closing in on my all time high. If I don't get with the program now, when will I ever get my life back?

I am not a praying person, but I feel like this is the moment to hit my knees and ask the Universe for some help.
 
Friday

Well, it peaked today. Dad was super groggy and not quite able, to wake up after the day of PT, lunch, boat road, and 2 hours of driving. He was not getting up for dinner, not taking his meds, not taking his insulin. His blood sugar was going up not down though I am not aware that he had any snack or anything. He got pissed when I told him 1 hot dog and a salad, not the 2 hot dogs he demanded. We'd had a large lunch. I knew something was off but he told me to bugger off when I tried to check his blood oxygen. When I brought his dinner (TWO) hot dogs he jacked around and then complained that they needed to be heated up (again). I don't recall the sequence of things but we were both really fed up with each other and then he made a comment to the effect that it was going to be his way or I could be gone. The "my way or the highway". Now. I had two cookies and a white claw and I know the sugar played a role. But I had a flash of white hot tears and agitation (I left the room so he and Peaches would not know) and then started packing up in the bedroom. Then I laid down for an hour and a half. Peaches I think knew I was upset. When I came out, he said "hi boo" in an affectionate tone. I could not evenmake eye contact as I said hello. I then went for an hour walk which helped. I gave up trying to get him to cath.

Thing is, a lot of this is something going on in his body, but it has been a long long time since I have had that feeling where I just wanted to take my things and run away and not look back. It felt like adolescence and I was both ashamed and angry that at 55 years old I am allowing myself to exist in the same dynamic. He got away with mental abuse because we were trying to protect mom...just like I have to consider Peaches in any dynamic now. It's not just all about me.

But it was really eye opening and depressing. He really has not changed. And I have been just making things easy for him so that this part of him has not shown up so much in recent years. But it is hurtful, so hurtful, that someone can basically say forget you and MEAN it. Over LITTLE things! Adolescent me feels validated. Adult me feels sucker punched.

Going home in the morning. He has no clue how much he just set back our relationship. This is why I both long to be close but avoid letting anyone touch my heart any more.

I miss my dog. And I have been missing and regretting L. That is all. Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day.
 
Saturday

I'M HOME! After a bit of a difficult cath/scare with Dad this morning, and subsequent delay, we had a clear void and I jumped into my already-packed car for the hour drive home. The last couple of blocks, once I got into my neighborhood the happiness started rising. I drove the last block slowly, savoring that "coming home" feeling.

I brought everything in the house then opened a couple of windows and sat down on the couch. The day is fine and sunny. I love having a ceiling fan. And a couch. And it may be a little stinky in my den but it is MINE.

Now. I also talked about this with CB. I have a tendency to run wild when long suppressed and freedom comes. The night in Toronto for example, or my Birthday 2023. I could see this moment coming and I want to be more intentional. I want to use this reset to feel better physically and mentally. Getting "wrecked" when I go out later with Proggy would be counter productive.

I can't wait to see some doggies and doggie peeps and go to a street fest and also enjoy a long slow wake up on my couch with matcha, journal, no tv, and the sounds of the outdoors drifting into my windows.

Thank you Universe for this moment, For this release, for this peace, for the chance to start living my life again and even start thinking about going to see Irish Friend while Dad is doing better.
 
Weight: 191.5

Here is where I begin again.
Short term goal = get to 189 by next Sun. Crack back into the 180's.
Next goal = 179 by the time I leave for Ireland August 21.
I can do it if I put my mind to it!

The bonus is, that focusing on weight loss brings along with it other good things...eating better, working out, staying busy....all really healthy things.

And oh yeah NO TELEVISION! I can HEAR real life happening again!
 
Other things I'm enjoying: Walking around in a towel and cooling down all the way before getting dressed. Sitting in my underwear on a warm day under my CEILING FAN. 🤣 Electric toothbrush!
 
Sometimes we need to have a contrast to realise what we have. I am glad you're home again, Fiera!
 
Monday

Ah, a good time was had this weekend. Proggy came up Saturday afternoon. The weather was great so we went to a street fest and split a Napoli pizza. His friend came up and we had street tacos and empanadas and went back to my house for a fire pit. Could not have asked for a better day.

Sunday Proggy and I went to a rescue meetup where we got to see FDog, who I just adore, he is so HAPPY all the time. And also saw Code, a pup I used to dogsit about once a week until I went out to my Dad's. We picked up some groceries and made shrimp tacos from scratch for lunch, and had stuffed pizza for dinner. Then watched Noir movies in the A/C after sweltering all day.

This morning I got up and made REAL brewed coffee and did about 2 hours of yard work. After a break, Proggy came out and helped, both holding bags for me to bag up, and cropping/pulling more tall weeds. It was so much better with two people. He also put the glass globe back on the porch light and offered to help paint, power wash etc on his next trip out here. I appreciated both his company and his help. I guess having time off from each other was good.

I cooked omelets (spinach mushroom feta with salsa on top) for brunch around 11 after the yard work. Doing a decent job of burning off calories

We skipped going to a ballgame due to the absurd ticket resale market fees. It's impossible to justify with him not having a job right now. I might just go on my own and not tell him. We also might go see minor league instead.

We had plans to go to MI next weekend but will cancel. Not feeling it when there is so much to do here at home and save money too. Really great to live in a place where there is always something fun to do.

Also:
I went to bed IN the bed both nights, at a reasonable time, and with a book.

I feel like the sun and time outdoors has really helped my mood and energy. I feel a bit more like a human being and less a human doing.

Called Dad this morning and checked on him - he says things are going fine.

I exchanged messages with Irish Friend and can start planning in earnest. I need to investigate travel insurance as I am not longer covered by work. And do things like copy my credit cards and insurance and passport info in case something happens. My biggest fear is driving since my vision is not as good as it used to be. Irish country roads are narrow with little margin for error...you get a stone wall on both sides and a truck coming at you which is taking up its full lane..it always left me rattled when younger. Still, a couple of people and places I want to see will require country driving so I need to wrap my head around it (may also get eyewear/glasses update as a priority.
 
Tuesday

Slept IN the bed again last night, was getting sleepy around 7 (early), and headed into the bedroom around 8:30. Didn't actually not off til close to 10, I think. Mostly did some e-reading and then a book. And unfortunately, snacked on cheese and trail mix.

Slept all the way until after 7; woke up feeling rested. Had some matcha and reading then somehow managed to get myself dressed in workout gear for the first time in months. I also put in "distance" contact lenses to try to get familiar with wearing them again. By 9AM I headed to the forest preserve and started the long, slow process of trying to get back into running (by walking). Completed 3.1 miles. Walked most and jogged for one minute about 7 times. It took me 56:11 weighing 191.4 pounds as of yesterday, and I was pretty hot and sweaty. The humidity was there and the sun was out and it is just the worst time of the year. But I did it.

Brunch was around 11:30; I baked a large sweet potato but could not wait. I stead I had cottage cheese, 2 chicken tacos, a bit of feta cheese followed by too much trail mix to try to stem my hunger. Bingey style eating. Probably 850-900 cals. So that does not leave much to work with later for dinner.

I also have been drowsy and nappy this afternoon. Overwhelm creeping in. An email from a financial guy set off some anxiety. I am having indecision around the Ireland trip planning. Maybe it's something I ate? Like the trail mix...

Anyway, what started off strong with contacts and exercise has turned into a day on the couch. I will give myself the grace to say maybe I just needed to rest. I don't want to sink back into paralysis.

I have laundry on my to-do list, I will go start that. :)
 
Last edited:
Wednesday

Signed up for a 5K in October to give myself something structured to work towards. Enough time (10-11 weeks) to complete a couch to 5K. If I can only get better with the eating I know I can drop some weight and get fit enough to run/walk it in the required minimum time. ❤️

I slept IN the bed again. CB's suggestion to read in bed every night has been transforming (along with 3 months' break). I was tired early again yesterday so I think I went in there around 9 and turned the light off by 10.

It seems a bit cooler today. But very humid. I'm about to go run some errands and back to the forest preserve for exercise. Today is the last full day at home before I go back to my Dad's Thursday. Peaches has an overnight sleep study that night. I don't presently miss her or him or living out there.

The financial guys are my only current source of real anxiety. I need to reflect upon whether I am being honest with them and myself and what is the right thing to do right now. I need to respond with an update to the guy (CF) who is expecting me to switch all my assets over.

For now, taking care of errands and getting in my workout is the way I will start my day.
 
Another 5K walk-jog today in the woods. A bit cooler but heavy humidity since it rained hard last night. Took the down-the-hill-along-the-river route from BH trailhead. Wonky GPS tracking was a bit annoying, esp waiting for it to turn, turn, turn, that last .01 and it took 15 seconds. lol. Anyway, I tried my best, I really put in an effort to beat yesterday's time and I did. 54:39 is of course barely moving by most standards but I beat yesterday's time by 1:30. I also know that as the ratio of run to walk ticks up the time will naturally decrease. Today was 4w:1j which seemed about right.

This morning I signed up for a 5K in mid October. I put down the estimate pace as 15:00 which is the max they allow. If I can't average that with 10-11 weeks to train, I am really not trying.

My quads are a bit tight from the effort two days in a row. I think I need a larger sports bra and also some larger running shirts. It's kind of embarrassing and dumb to spend the money sizing up, but the reality is that it will probably take a couple of months to get back down to where my usual stuff fits me ok. I guess I'll splurge on a few new things to help motivate me to get out there.

Tomorrow should be cross training, which means a video and either a walk or a bike ride.

I ran errands before and after...dropped off a power washer return I decided I did not want. Ordered a different one. Deposited a check at the bank. Dropped off denim shorts for a patch repair. And had lunch at the horseshoe cafe. I did have some soup which normally I skip, along with a buttered roll, but then just ate half my soup and burger and onion rings. Leftovers later or tomorrow.

I noticed as I have the past few days, I feel knocked out and ready for a nap after morning exercise/lunch. Today I took a 2nd W around 1 when I got home; I also had coffee at lunch. Will see if there is any difference.

May have a soaking bath now to loose up those muscles.
 
Did take a bath and it was helpful.

Noticed however that the bathtub seems to be leaching iron stain around the drain hole, which either meals it needs to be refinished or something more invasive. Read (book) some which was calming and enjoyable. Caught myself scrolling on IPad several times...something I want to break. I mostly felt tired and not up to much. I had the leftover burger/rings shortly after the last post; around 5:30 I polished off the trail mix. Not getting too precise, I should be at 1400 calories IN for the day. Oh well. Took 1/2 xanax to take the edge off anxiety; too much coffee and the extra W and then the bathtub and the financial guy.

The free broadcast movie channel is showing xmas movies tonight. XMas in July I guess? Am trying to be more picky about when the tv set gets turned on. I can definitely say it will do nothing for my QOL tonight if I flip that on.

Maybe a quiet easy chore like updating the recent banking transactions and paying bills will be a good task, in addition to reading some more. Tomorrow I go back out to Dad's but should be under 24 hours.
 
Thursday

I love love love getting plentiful sleep. Last night the light went off at 9:30 and I woke up at 5:25, then rolled over again to wake up at 7. The app counted some of my reading time as sleep time but I still got at least 9 hours. 🙂 No doubt my body is making up for the deficit incurred over the past 3 months.

We are expecting some pleasant weather ahead for the next couple of days. Proggy and I agree to abandon the trip to MI for the weekend. Was just not feeling like the effort involved in packing and traveling for a couple of days and spending money on a hotel was going to offer anything special. Instead, there is a local street fest we plan to go to. My new power spray should arrive Sat and maybe we can get started on that. And possibly use the fire pit.

I just sent CF financial guy a note that I will touch base with him in two weeks. I need to buy some time for the tax guy to get back to me.

I am a bit concerned that the stock market is overheated. I just can't seem to get my brain focused enough to take control and manage my money myself. I pay these people to do it, but in 3 years I have barely maintained and even lost group while Proggy has nearly doubled his 401K. I am doing something wrong for sure, but I also recognize that with my brain not working I could make some really poor decisions.

Later today I go out to visit Dad. He has a f/u visit with his primary doc this afternoon, which I don't feel compelled to attend. I imagine this week has been pretty rough on Peaches as the relative freedom granted by my presence reminds her of the grind. Well, I will ask Dad how it is going. I am sure he misses me too. But I sure don't miss the grind. I am enjoying my bed, reading, exercising, long slow wakeups, and the opportunity to spend my day on things that matter to ME. Smiling. Still, if they need help, he can afford a caregiver to come and if they really want me there then I am going to move in such a way that respects my life, and I will have my stuff and not be living out of a duffel bag and a filing cabinet. Maybe I will rent out there first. I don't HAVE to live with them, and indeed it would solve the problem of not getting to run because Peaches bolts out the door with the dog before attending to my Dad in the morning.

My weight has been up a bit the past two days...am sure the giant bag of trail mix and availability of chocolate bars has contributed. I ended up getting out of the bed last night and snacking on cheese, cranberries, chocolate and 1/2 a tortilla. I need to do better.

Today's exercise plan...hmmm...well a walk I guess and either and strengthening/lengthening video. Not so many urgent chores on the list; I think getting organized is a plan. Yesterday I was irritated that my financial software once again is not aligned with the brokerage data and it is very frustrating, non-value-added activity. Initially I thought it was going to help me stay on top of, and be aware of, the detailed transactions occurring. But there is so much data and I spend so much time balancing it, it is time to simplify. I will look at options today. The problems is I still want details for certain accounts and I am not sure you can do it just for select accounts. Well, we will see.

For the moment, just darn happy to feel the quiet morning around me.
 
😢

I got out the door at 9 planning to walk 3 miles around the neighborhood. At first I was observing a general numbness to the idea of people, particularly those like Jason or AN or W or BG or S...wondering if I am simply unable or subconsciously unwilling to open up those boxes. Self-preservation, or simply frozen? As I walked further down and "wasn't feeling" a long walk along deserted and ugly streets I crossed the main road and headed back into the neighborhood. And the feeling of missing KDog was so strong. These streets, we walked so many times the last years when longer walks were not possible..she let the way, always pulling along to the favorite sniff spots, her ears erect, monitoring, even as her hearing seemed to be gone, sensing and catching things well before I did. She was the neighborhood Queen, and I feel so bored and like a part of me is missing. Its not the same. I wonder if I am just done with living here. Too many memories of the past, too many difficulties with the present. Yes it is a perfect location from which to access everything but maybe I just need change more than that.

Or maybe I just need another dog. Well I know that I do, and my Dad's situation makes that impractical.

Eh. I just needed to come here and express this feeling. I only walked a little over a mile. I am not going to derail my day over a deceased dog. But I am going to send her love and gratutude for the many gifts she gave me, and for her courage and steadfastness to explore places I never would have gone alone. I miss her.
 
Oh, Fiera. I don't think I could live without a dog. A part of you is missing. Tell me again why you can't get another dog. Why can't you take a dog to your father's house when you visit?
 
Cate said:
Oh, Fiera. I don't think I could live without a dog. A part of you is missing. Tell me again why you can't get another dog. Why can't you take a dog to your father's house when you visit?
Click to expand...

Here is how I view it (writing out more for myself to review/rethink) First, there is their little dog, and when we go out to eat, shop whatever I would have to crate my dog....it would take a long time before I would be convinced it would be safe to leave them alone together. Not insurmountable though. Second is Peaches' habit of leaving doors open carelessly because their own dog won't leave her side - it's a safety issue. Third is another dog is going to be a challenge when I am with them or him alone in FL (dogs have to be leashed walked, 3rd floor condo, and I am already sometimes walking their own dog a few times per day). Fourth is these hospital stays take everything....I stay around the clock with him in hospital and then a good part of the day in rehab...my house is an hour away. When I had KDog and was running back and forth to my house with a walker supporting it was a terrible strain. I'd have to try to find someone to take my dog while that is going on. I just don't have the energy for all the logistics any more, which is why I stayed at their house for 3 months this last go 'round. Bottom line, I have chosen to support my Dad's QOL rather than get another dog. It is too much. I will hold out until I cannot hold out any more, and am hoping to get some travel in during the times when Dad is doing better and Peaches can handle things on her own.

It is sad however. This could go on for years. Maybe at some point I will change my attitude. If they no longer went to FL in the winters and I moved close to where they live it would change things.

Speaking of....

I have to get this down and out of my system because I vented at Peaches a little this morning. A couple of days ago, I knew something must be up when she asked me if Proggy and I were still planning on going out of town this weekend. I had blocked it off with her a month ago and it had been confirmed a couple of times since then. I told her that was still the plan. She asked me again after I arrived there yesterday. Now, Proggy and I have changed our minds and are staying in town and going to a fest and hanging out, but that doesn't mean I am available. But rather than have a to-do, I just told her that we were still going and she said "OK, have fun!"

She then went into plans for next Spring - my Dad had already warned me that she was going to do state instead of National bowling tournament and that it was probably still going to be on my BDay weekend...as it is EVERY years. It's irritating, but I never complain openly because I need to support her doing the things she likes once in a while, with the women she has been doing it with for yeras, and she has no control over the scheduling. OK, I resolved, I'll block it off. Then Christmas. She already had said and I had already agreed that I would fly down so she could come home for Christmas with her family. which will be the 28th. So we looked at schedules and flights are already very pricey...we worked something out (this will take 6 days for me, 4 for her) and my ticket is still $550. I asked my Dad to split it with me. He said no. Then she got upset and said fine, then she won't come home for Christmas with her family. My Dad said he could stay by himself. I reminded him what happened the last time we let him stay by himself for Christmas (he ended up in the ER/hospital) due to exacerbating his CHF and I had to emergency fly down there to take care of him. My Dad asked why he had to pay for the ticket. I told him that it was to be supportive for Peaches to do something which is meaningful to her. I reiterated that I was just asking him to SPLIT it with me. I mean, why would I want to pay for it either? It's for HER. In the end he agreed to split the cost but I agree it's kind of taking on another expense that I shouldn't have to on her behalf. And 6 days out of my life. But OK. I like spending time with my Dad without her around so that will be nice for 4 days. My only condition is that I wanted to be home on New Years's (last year I wasn't so she could stay home longer, and I ended up feeling sad and empty on NYE at the condo complex, so at least I've managed that for myself.

Now. She finally outs with the fact that her family are all getting together for boating Saturday and she will skip that part and just come for the BBQ portion of the day with my Dad (which was why she was asking if I was going out of town). She wanted me to be around to bring him later so should could hang with all them all day. She sees them all the time! I'm glad I didn't tip my hand that Proggy and I are staying home, it's an hour drive to their house, then another hour to where her family is, all that driving to see people that neither my Dad or I get any enjoyment out of seeing PLUS we drive right by the kennel and I don't get to stop, we drive by EF and I don't get to visit, we drive past the hometown and there is no visiting there either, and there is just so little value in it. Once we had along time, my Dad and I both vented a little about how EVERY weekend there is something going on with that family that Peaches wants to go to. She basically really shapes her life around her family - she always has - but now it is every weekend.

I'd already booked off August 3 so I could take my Dad along to one of her grandkids' 1st BDay party and she could hang as long as she wanted. She seemed to have forgotten about that when she asked me to come out on the 10th for a restaurant dinner with the usual suspects at a place down the road from EF's house. I looked up at her sharply and said "Not EVERY weekend. You have to pick between those two." I mentioned that I was happy to come more during the weeks but the weekends are the only time that Proggy and I can do the summer fests and things that we like. I wish I hadn't been so sharp with my tone, but my Dad and I were both exasperated by then. So, she picked the restaurant thing and my Dad is now happy to be off the hook for the 1st BDay party which she then agreed he didn't need to go to anyway. I de-RSVP'd and now Proggy and I can do whatever we want that weekend. The weekend of the 10th I will probably have him out and we will see EF and her hubby.

I don't know why I suddenly reached a tipping point - but this is not the first time I have reached it with her planning. She's a planner. She is also not inside my head and it is up to me to speak up if I think she is being too unreasonable or one-sided. I wish I had handled it better. I just didn't catch that an explosion was brewing inside of me until it actually happened. I really should have apologized to her for my tone. She's just trying to live her life and see her family as much as possible before they go to FL for the winter. As much as she made it clear to my Dad that her family was her priority in life, and he made it clear to her that snowbirding was priority in HIS, it all kindof got jumbled together with me in the middle once he became unable to be left alone (we at least now are back to him being able to be alone for hours). And I did remind her, that only SHE can decide what kind of help she needs and when - brought on by her announcing that she wants to go back to bowling on Wednesday mornings this summer. GO! Who is stopping you? What kind of help do you need? She can't answer. Because in the end she wants to do it herself. Everytime I bring this up, she says oh it's not that bad, or I like to do it, or I'm retired, what else am I going to do anyway? So...

I guess I am satisfied with what we worked out. I really didn't want to drive 4 hours to spend 2 hours at some little kids' bDay party and my Dad didn't want to go either. The ticket for Christmas is already bought and my Dad already sent me half the airfare. We will get there. I think it was a good reminder to all of us on what is important to each other, what works, and options and alternatives to maintain balance.

I wished we enjoyed being with her family more, but it's just a gaggle of women who are absorbed with themselves, who gossip and are immature, and who likewise derive no pleasure or interest in our attendance. Dad is much happier staying home watching tv but he "doesn't want to disappoint" Peaches. Gah. Well in the end there are puts and takes and we have to figure it out.

And yes, she/they know I am not getting a dog due to my Dad's situation/supporting THEIR life, because I have been open about it with them.

Anyway, after dumping that all down I think I'm decompressed a little bit.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top