Fiera Fights Back

Yesterday I was stunned but not surprised when my hairdresser (of approx 14? years) announced she is getting a divorce. I know she has not been fulfilled in her marriage but she seemed to have come to some sort of acceptance while her raising her two girls (8 and 10). It was hard for me to hear that the catalyst which put her over the top is a single dad neighbor who she seems to have an instant-on relationship with. I am happy for her but it makes me sad how she has arrived at this point and also how naive she is thinking that she and her hubby are going to remain friends and work everything out...esp when her hubby finds out he got dumped for the neighbor.

Now, tonight I see that somewhere in the past day or so, Jax and Ian have run aground. I thought they were super solid. But Jax has changed her name on social back to her maiden name and her status to "separated". I immediately dropped her a message. It must be something big and bad for it to just explode like that, publicly without notice. And his social is unchanged. They were just exchanging their usual loving VDay posts and gotcha day posts about their dog. They were a perfect fit couple..both exceptional in their own way. No kids at least.

Both of these seismic shifts - although they are not MY shifts - feel disturbing. Hairdresser told me her daugters know she hasn't been happy for a long time and have even asked her why she stayed with their dad. So she says. But those kids, can they really be desiring or accepting for their parents to split up? Can that be that sophisticated? Ugh, seeing what EF went thru with her kids and shared custody, it is just so complicated for everyone...it takes a certain amount of selfishness...or attending to one's own needs I suppose, depending on how you view it. I guess it is both.
 
Tuesday
187.4

Stayed up late (IN BED again) watching a tv show on my IPad, And checking and Jax and Ian's social. Jax made a few unhinged posts about deleting her account in a day or two, then when I woke up her account was gone. Again, not my drama, but it feels upsetting. I am friends with both of them, having met Ian (failed date) shortly before he met Jax. We clubbed together every weekend with Chris for a couple of years an occasionally hung out. They moved to NYC in maybe 2018 or 2019 so I see them about once per year when they come back to visit. They are both pretty social ano intersting people but Jax is on a different plane. She is very intense. Anyway it is not my drama but I am feeling both sorrow and in the dark. I wondered this morning if Jax is on drugs, I had noticed in her photos she has lost a lot of weight recently - first thinking maybe one of the new fashionable weight loss drugs but then wondering if something darker. Knowing the scene she moves in it is possible. I want to reach out to Ian and offer some support but also don't have bandwidth to hear about drama details before Proggy and I head out of town for a 4 day weekend. I guess I could send a text offering to chat when I get back next week. I don't think I ever met a couple who were so well suited, it just floors me. But - people evolve, or get bored or whatever. Just sad when it happens.

So. Shaking that off.

Oh and good, the sun just peeked out from behind some clouds.

So. I did stick to a feeding window yesterday, but during that window I ate - a lot. I was afraid I was going to get hungry in the evening. I certainly didn't need the 400 calories of pad thai I stuck in at the end. Lunch was a small salad with a small bit of creamy garlic and 4oz chicken breast...then the pizza. I was going to have 1/2 pizza and salad, but I forgot I had bacon in the oven and had to wait to go pick up the pizza, so just started with the salad. When I got to the pizza, there was less incentive to wait til I got home (since I had already eaten the rest of the meal). And I just started ripping into it while driving home. I could have stopped at 1/2 but I didn't. It tastes so good. I DID stop, but then I broke into it again. Two more times. So I ate 5/6 of the pizza on the way home, and had the other 1/6 about an hour later. OK, but it wasn't the end of the world because I had baked cod (w tartar and a bit of butter) and cooked fresh spinach for dinner. Right? But then I was worried about getting hungry in the evening as my window was closing at 6...so I had 1/2 peanut butter (TJ) and then the entire portion of pad thai. Probably 600 calories IN because I was afraid of getting hungry later. In fact, when midnight came and I was not falling asleep, I *WOULD* have snacked if there was something available...fortunately there wasn't really.

SO...yesterday was really carby and probably 2000+ calories. But I also had a better walk with SB - 2.5 miles - and did several trips to the basement (laundry) and to the garage. The carbs will ultimately be useful as I pack today and leave for Proggy's. Staying overnight at his place and then departing for Nville in the morning.

What is strange is the scale app is suggesting that I am dehydrated, but I have been drinking quite a lot of water. My skin is dry though, so maybe there is something to it. Shrug? I am sure there was a lot of salt in the pizza and pad thai I had yesterday but wouldn't that make me retain water?

Fiera's Fighting Plan
Brekkie (huevos rancheros) ✅
Lunch (egg salad) ✅
Dinner (pre-Proggy) chix brst sand with avoc
Laundry remnants ✅
Massage/chiro consult ✅
Walk outdoors (if able) prior to coming back home
Time bound audit of email list ✅
Email re: 14th transport ✅
Pack
House to Sleep (heat, garbage, dishes etc)

Not really any further time to reflect on anyone else's drama. But while making brekkie I noted that I am particularly fond of memories of that colorful slice of time during which I was running with them for a variety of reasons. Same time frame hairdresser is from, and KDog is from and... well maybe since my life has been in such a rut for so long, and those were times I was really ALIVE, and things from that era are dissipating and disappearing, maybe that is why I feel it so much. Clubs are gone. Music scene is fading. People are passing away, moving/moved away, or changing. I have almost nothing and no one left. It is in some sense an ungrounding. When you lose people who know your history, or the places where your history was developed, it becomes a bit like a tree falling in a forest. Did those things happen? Do they matter to anyone but you?

I have always been a bit enamored of people like the M family where they come together and tell stories. It might be the same stories. The stories that bond them. Shared experience. Solidity of sibling and family ties. It is one of the things which drew me to W and his family. So much love. No one walks around worried that they might say or do the wrong thing and suddenly no longer be a part of things. I guess I miss that. I no longer have AN or batgirl or S. All 3 of them were important parts of my post-marriage life. I do have SB and Proggy and PAG and EF and I am making new memories now, thought the rescue group is all fairly arms length. Also, I need to call my Aunt M. Appreciate Peaches more. And my dad - every once in a while he brings up a nugget or memory I had forgotten. I love that. Even my brother.

So, as Pirate Leader brought When Things Fall Apart and the groundlessness, impermanence teachings the other day, it is always a good lesson. Proggy and I are both people who cling to the past. But as life goes on I feel like we learn to weather transitions better. You learn that you can't control them, and you also learn that you will survive them and there is something else ahead. Maybe that something else becomes more limited and less optimistic as you grow older, but certainly nothing worthwhile will happen if you don't TRY.

On that note, it is time to hit the shower and change out the laundry.
 
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Taking a break before the last packing push. I feel drowsy. I know I haven't been sleeping well. House prep is about done.

Massage/chiro was really helpful. My hip moved and afterward I felt like I was standing taller and walking better. I also expected to be in some pain but so far so good. Packing massager just in case.

Sleepy. Maybe just lay down or meditate....ttfn.
 
Nashville!

I slept over at Proggy's Weds night and we got on the road from his place Thurs morning. Time seemed to lag; progress was slower than GPS even though our few stops were quick, it all adds up a bit. (Aliens!) We took a break and photos and Proggy did a tasting at JB"s distillery, and we got inexpendove sandwiches from a market grocery store on the opposite side of the bridge. It was rainy off and on so we took our time. We had not arrived before dark however and I could not see in the dark and rain with road construction shrinking lanes and no street lights and semis and other headlights around. It was nerve wracking. It was also the gensis of the discovery that rather than my eyes having night blindness, my xenon headlight bulbs have aged out. (I had no idea bulbs could get weak, I just thought they burned out!)

Once arrived and hauled in, we took an Uber downtown. It wasn't too busy because of rain. Had dinner at Acme which had Ok food and live music. It was still raining -pouring at times - and we were content to go back to the rental and explore the next morning.

Friday morning the wx was clear, warm and beautiful. after making breakfast sandwiches we went straight to the Johnny Cash museum before it got too busy. Walked around downtown. Proggy started to get a sense of the throngs of people and hen parties, and we went up to a rooftop deck just to see the vantage point, Neitheir one of us wanted to participate in the day drinking so we walked around. Sad that Ernest Tubb's record store has closed. We found another small basement record store to stop in. We considered taking a bus tour or hop on bus but just settled on staying downton for the vibe. We picked a cantina in the Gulch for late lunch but it wasn't open for another hour for dinner. Luckily a nearby Patagonia offered a sitting area and we took advantage for an hour, resting after all the walking. Food there was good, and we were interested in getting in to see the early show at Rudy's Jazz Room down the street. We arrived there just in time and had a very nice 2-top waiting. We split a bottle of wine and enjoyed the show. Afterward, we ran the leftovers back to the rental, then went back out....we didn't want the throngs downtown and our uber driver suggested some bars in midtown. It looked quiet there and we had him drop us off, but it was a bust....only two with loud live music, PBR drinks, and local redneck types. We at long last left on foot and walked to another area where we found a place we could at least tolerate. lol. I had a late salad there and we had a nitecap before heading back to the rental.

Saturday we had decided to drive out of Nashville to Belle Meade and Franklin. Belle Meade Plantation (now called historical site) is nothing like what I remembered. More ground has been built up next door and a winery added. We took a short walk around the premises and visited a slave cabin which of course was a very emotional experience. I am glad that Proggy sad he was glad we went there. Outside, the Belle Meade area is some of the most beautiful housing you ever hope to see.

Franklin was jammed. We got coffee and Proggy got a sticky bun from a bakery-restaurant. We wandered up and down main and ended up in the tourist center. There were some guitars on the wall and benches so we took them and sat and played around for a bit, It was a highlight of the trip.

I tried to get us on the Natchez Trace for a spell on the way back but the mobile maps were not clear on acccess points. Drove around a bit then gave up as it was getting later and dim headlights were not smart. We found the little antiquing town La F--- and there is a live music venue there I would check out..but we were both flagging and wanted to rest at the rental before trying to get back in to the 8PM show at Rudy's. The previous night the door girl had given us advice on how to getin to the sold show, and true to her word, we showed up at 7 and she squeezed us in, even though the band had brought some extra guests and it was a shoehorn. She even got us in at the bar so we could eat. We were super appreciative. And the show was perfection. I loved it and Proggy was enthralled...4 talented musicians cobbled together by the drummer to do improv jazz and blues...it was super cool.

And, we got back to the rental around 10:30, with only one drink, and were able to get a good nights sleep, start to clean out the fridge, make breakfast for the morning etc, before conking out. In the morning we cleaned up and out we went! Another longer than planned drive, slightly different route. Proggy wanted to retrace the route that he and his Dad used to drive from FL, after his mom died. We stopped at M---- but the Waffle House they used to stop at for a pecan waffle was gone. He was teary, reminiscing. We went further down into the little down in order to take a photo with a gimmicky statue, then back on the road. We stopped near my Alma Mater for food and gas. My turn to get a little reminiscent. No time and no desire to go thru the campus and open that pandora's box of memories without forethought. Time again seemed to lag and the drive taking longer than expected. I did the math and driving 70 (to be nice to my aging SUV and gas mileage) instead of 80 did add a lot of time to the trip - that is 10 miles for each hour. We pressed on, racing darkness. It was dark the last 1/2 hour but at least there were highway lights.

Sunday night I spent at Proggys's, and Monday after my meds doc appt we took a train downtown to get an apostle for his citizenship (we talked to the Italians Friday morning). We got a hot dog and were both so tired; I laid doewn on the couch for about 45 mins before packing up and heading home. I unpacked and cashed out. Made a tarte and chicken soup and went to bed. Weigh in this morning. Hopefully not too bad, I did eat salad, split some meals, and got some walking in.

I think the trip highlights were Rudy's Jazz Room (kee-AY-rah?) and playing guitar in the Franklin visitor center. And just being on vacation for four whole days. Real vacation, and Proggy spending some money here and there without freaking out about it. Real vacation without caretaking my Dad. REAL VACATION, away, where the problems of life just went away for a while.

At some point, Sat I think, I learned that Pixy's dog had passed. I want through the dog choices for the next transport and provided some feedback to LH who was quarterbacking the selection for Pixy. Today I need to reply to volunteers and check on Pixy, I have a host of errands to take care of! Good to be back with a renewed sense of LIVING LIFE!
 
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I'm so glad you got to take a break & feel like you have had a proper vacation. Good for you!
 
Thank you Cate!

Tuesday
188.6
Groceries ✅
Bank ✅
Recycling (specials, shopping bags) ✅✅
Watch Band Return ✅
Research Headlights (In progress)
Outside walk ✅ Short 1 mile though

The garage is seeing improvement by getting rid of specialty recycling this morning. Fluorescent bulbs, old stain and lawnmower oil, rechargeable batteries. They wouldn't take incandescent bulbs or styrofoam sadly, so that stuff went in the trash. But it is out of my garage!
 
Wednesday
186.8

Slept in the bed, after initially falling asleep on couch. It was warm in the den anyway, and the bedroom had cool sheets. The heat was not running - it had reached almost 80 degrees in February. Then last night was quite Ma Nature's show, as there were hours of coverage of a storm front which spawned tornadoes, high winds, heavy rain and golf ball sized hail in places. Then it froze overnight with all that water.

Thankfully we got only heavy sheeting rain, wind, and smattering of small hail here. Still windy while I am having matcha here. Interesting grey cloud cover with bright blue sky in patches, as if something is rising up from the cold wet ground and the wind is working to blow it out of here.

I made a connection while talking with my meds doc on Monday, that perhaps the reason I start having "brain cravings" in the later afternoon has something to do with coffee/caffeine wearing ofl, I had been telling her that I did the 5day FMD again but that I had never found the feeling of whole peace that I did in the prior times. And that maybe the difference was that in the past I was entirely off coffee and matcha for the fast. So. Yesterday I had no coffee in the morning, only matcha, and then had a little decaf in the afternoon. I didn't have any intense cravings, but I snacked anyway, sitting around on the couch for hours. I will try again today.

I am dogsitting this weekend! I figured it would be low key no spending anyway, and I will have a doggie in my house for 3 days plus make a little cash. I can use it!

I mostly finished researching the headlights. I have to wrap up today and decide whether to try to do the install myself. The dealer wants $300 (it involves dropping a bumper/trim). I am going to call a couple of other dealers as well as look at independent shops. The cost if I get in over my head or break something isn't worth it. But I want it fixed this week.

Today is largely going to be about prepping for my furry visitor - decluttering the house to present better to a prospective client and make it more dog proof for an unfamiliar dog.

Yesterday my realtor called with a networking opportunity to show my house to someone looking for a small place. No house sale contingency and great credit. I thought about it for sure. I talked to Proggy and he thinks it is a bad idea to jump without knowing my next move. I could rent and that appeals to that part of my which just cannot seem to overcome the accumulating problems this house has.

Well, I do feel that decluttering will help me see things in a different light, AND make a prospective move easier, so just take it one step at a time,
 
Fiera's Fighting Plan for Today

Decaf Only ✅
Walk outdoors (brrr) (SB) ✅ 3W
Sleep IN bed ✅ (well after 4AM lol)
No eating after 6P (nope, but it was a funky lo cal day)
Declutter living room
Clean laundry away ✅
Laundry (remaining heavies) (almost done)
Headlight decision/order/schedule (still researching)
Landscaper Decision/Response ✅
Garmin band replacement ✅

Today is day 12 no smoking also. Started 2x daily bup on Monday per latest conversation w doc.

Def feeling less bloated, looser today, shows 2lb drop.

Showered and ready for action 🙂
 
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Thursday
185.9

Happy with how things are going. Feel like reduced caffeine/coffee is helpful. Also, going for a walk around 10/10:30 yesterday helped me postpone eating until Noon.

I might be dehydrated. A couple of times past few days I had a head swirling dizzy spell upon standing up. Last night getting off the couch and this morning getting out of bed were significant...like staggering drunk significant. I only had the one W yesterday as I took it so late. Leading ideas: dehydration, additional W. sleeping IN the bed (positioning), recent travel (incl ears popping from elevation), salty foods. Only a little sleep deprived. Maybe a bit stressed.

Before I left for Toronto I woke up with vertigo for the first time. I slept IN the bed that night. I also had popcorn (lots of salt) and was under a LOT of stress. Not sure about the other factors.

I have dog sitting tomorrow. I have a backup plan in case I suddenly can't handle walking a big unfamiliar dog (due to vertigo)

Yesterday's 3M walk with SB and her pup was the longest in quite some time. I am really happy and optimistic with the progress of my piriformis.

I know it is small, but I sold a pack of unused dog potty pads yesterday on the marketplace and got them out of my house. Funny, I had about 10 people contact me for that. I guess if you price things cheap enough they move. I also have a nibble on the custom dog ramp I had built for KDog but his price is too low.

Fiera's Fighting Plan for Today
Hydrate
Declutter Dining Room (contd)
Finish laundry - heavies
Cleaning Lady 9-12:30 ✅
PAG 12:30 (borrowing scanner) ✅
Proggy 1:30-4 (scanner, DHL)
Dogproofing and primping for Finn
Headlights approach finalize (research seems nearly done)
Walk outdoors (3M) ✅
 
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I want to take a moment to observe takeaways from the stories of the career of a weather geek who just retired. He started following his passions at an early age...by age 14 his persistence resulted in the local weather office sendimg him daily maps. He ended up continuing his love and studies formally and working in the field. He had a family who wanted him to be a doctor or lawyer. He had a professor who told him he would never make it on tv. He understood that he had to have a schtick, a personality, a hook, in order to make it last over the years. He remained humble and accessible. His enthusiasm and knowledge and humility endeared him to many. He seemingly never married or dated or had a pet. He vacationed in beautiful places. He lectured and travelled. He loved music too. He was one of those people whose singularity of purpose, clarity, and authenticity radiates in every moment.

What an amazing person. To live outside society's norms yet to succeed so well and be so well loved. Having such love and enthusiasm and being exactly where the universe destined him to be - because in part, he just listened to his own internal self. I don't know whether he struggled to throw off family expectations, societal expectations...so much we don't know and don't see...or whether he was simply so dogged in pursuit of what was important that it really wasn't all that big.

I find myself suppposing that perhaps he has asperger's...but then most people with aspberger's really don't have those skills of relatability.

Anyway, what it all made me think about is how one might tune down the external voices and amplify the inner voice. It used to be so easy to follow my own drumbeat. I think the working world changed this and having sick or otherwise dependent people changed this. I guess I spent a lot of my adult life dealing with emotionality and seeking answers and also in fear about money and security.

No sweeping conclusions or ideas here, just noting what is rolling around in my brain. Will see what comes of it, but I think it is around how success is grounded in being intentional and having clarity of purpose. And with that...I am off to get my day rolling before Cleaning Lady arrives.
 
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Friday
186.3

I am pretty satisfied that I am finding a bit better groove with weight, exercise and eating. Making better food choices; in part because my body rejects the idea of some of the worse stuff. Not smoking, and drinking decaf coffee. I am finding it hard to walk a basic 3 miles though. Maybe it is muscle atrophy and weight but the effort involved is a lot more than I recollect, But I am patient and believe that the results will follow. My scale shows small increments on muscle and fat mass and it usually detects ups and downs accurately each day. I will add pilates, stretching or yoga next. My overall flexibility is really bad right now. As SB and I were discussing, at our ages, if you don't use it, you lose it, and it is really tough to get it back.

To think, I entered my 50's with a battle cry of fitness and a marathon. That was nearly 5 years ago. My weight is almost 50 pounds heavier. But then I think about what I have gone through during that time and give myself grace.
 
[Possible sjogren's cluster]
Dry eyes
Dry mouth (yesterday at FedX bad)
Vertigo (last week or so)
Weakness, fatigue, low energy
Mouth mucosal bubble (today)
Dry skin (bad today, no skin barrier, really dry arms, itching under boobs)
Fingernails dry, crumbling, splitting, past couple of weeks (doing dishes?)
Reduced appetite, turned off by fried foods, steak (FMD result)
Is it possible the Prolon kicked something into high gear? Stressing the system or reacting to specific ingredients? Constip. a week ago, sorted w diet and fluids.
 
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Garmin says 18,000 steps today. Prob 2.5 miles intentional walking with FDog. Plus scrambling about moving clutter downstairs earlier. I tossed a few things out/pared back.

FDog is a delight. Proggy was tiring. I encouraged him to go to a concert with a friend tonight. I felt that he wants to just be here for the fun and convenience and doesn't want to help me around the place. CB says that is nothing new and pointed out that I had the same issue back when we were dating and she thought it was not Ok, and I made excuses for him. I just can't do it all myself and I can't be entertaining him when I have stuff to take care of.
 
Saturday
186.7

After all the exercise I got yesterday I felt a mild disappointment when I saw a slight uptick. Of course I know better than to trust the little daily ups and downs entirely - fluid salt, and timing of meals, bowls movements etc. Tomorrow will catch up.

Today I set my intention to be grateful. In particular, grateful for Proggy. I know I was kind of irritated with him yesterday.

ETA: We talked about that this morning. He understands that I need to make my priorities happen. But in the course of daily events I have to police how my time is spent. I also am thinking about a purpose driven life and the difference between dreamers and doers. It was helpful to talk about prioritizing the decluttering (which needs to become a lot more radical) before tackling the home repairs...so I can re-imagine how I feel living in it.
 
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Sunday
188.6 (2 more pounds up)

Fiera, look what happened. You mixed together Proggy's visit and lost sight of priorities. The entire day accelerated into shambles. When he wanted pecan pancakes for brekkie you went for it. Then, when he finally decided to stay for dinner you went and got BLT makings, fine, but then other things jupmed into the cart *because he was there*. Hummus, for snacking, and ice cream, because he had mentioned it the night before. I CANNOT HAVE THOSE THINGS IN THE HOUSE.

So the day started off with carbs (pancakes and syrup), moved to BLT's for midafternoon "dinner", with some hummus and triscuits...then he left. Off to the races the remainder of the evening. An hour after he left I devoured the entire pint of coconut milk ice cream. Then most of the container of hummus with plenty of tricuits, Then leftover pancakes with 2 sausages AND SYRUP. There may have been something further I am not now recalling, it feels like there were 4 trips to the kitchen.

We had walked 2 miles in the forest preserve earlier. Both a bit tired and stiff. I was tired of the listlessness and directionless of his visit. He had gone out Friday night with my urging, and I think he was on the fence about staying Sat because he wanted to hang out with the dog and go to the group walk Sunday, but he knew I was also getting irritated with the entire situation, Gah. When he is here is it hard for me to do my own thing and it is very clear that if I can't work him into my declutterring work then he simply can't be around. It's a small house and I can't feel like I can constantly in hosting mode. When PAG lived here, he created a second living room in the basement and that gave me space.

Sigh. I either need to make this person more of my life and accept that this is how it is, or less of my life and make space for something/someone different. Another going to try to address that right now. Going to try harder to make things the way that they work for me...like I should have done with L.

Mistakes happen - already over it - but that had to be at least 1500 excess calories yesterday, I can't just burn that off - esp with a dogsitting gig where I need to be mindful of how much he can do and the limited amount of food they provided. But I can eat better today and get in 2 miles of walking with FDog and then do a pilates video. Just have a good day.

Man. Having carbs like that was probably the genesis or all of it because I really haven't been binging since I quit drinking caffeinated coffee.

Ok gotta get in the shower....
 
Whupped after attending not one but two dog meetups today about 30? miles apart. Fresh air, socializing, casual walking. Just 2 miles though, and the step tracker is just over 10K, yet I feel entirely spent.

Took care of some details regarding upcoming transport after I came home. Arranged to get some heartworm tests relayed from the vet tech to the kennel and found a volunteer heading to the kennel on Tuesday to fetch them for me. I get a gold star in logistics for that one. Saves me 3 hours of driving and gas money.

FDog goes home tonight. I agreed to take a foster from the next transport. Maybe it was a mistake when I am dragging every day. It does make me get up amd move my butt though, and keeps me occupied. I didn't even ask Proggy if he minded, I just told him I am doing it. I still need to figure out logistics for St. Paddy's weekend though.
 
Monday
188.5

FDog's family picked him up last night. It has been a bit odd. The wife originally made the arrangements (via text/DM) but the hubby did the actual drop off and pick up. So I haven't met the wife and the hubby had alcohol on his breath when they picked him up last night after a 3+ hour journey for a wedding weekend away. Young couple, seem nice enough and the dog was in excellent health. They didn't drop off quite enough food though and I was stretching and adding cookies the last day. I have to remember that "young people" communicate differently and hopefully I will hear from the wife today (and get paid without chasing).

The difficult woman who manages fostering send out a recruitment email last night with a wrong date for the next transport. I immediately brought it to her attention and her first response to say that she was not informed (which she certainly was), then she deflected and blamed Pixy, then she deflected again and blamed getting too many emails. It is extraordinary when it would have been far simpler to say "whoops, my mistake, I'll corrrect it". She spun out this entire idea that she could not possibly send out a correction right away because people don't like hearing from us more than once per day even if it *is* to correct something. This morning one of the transport volunteers messaged me saying they were confused and to clarify the date. I bcc'd difficult woman on my response so she would be aware that there was some cross-contamination between the two rosters, She sent me a snotty email saying that she was going to correct it later in the week and that I could email the transport team if I was concerned. Then she replied to the volunteer I'd responded to (which was unnecessary because she had only been bcc'd.) What a cluster. The only way to deal with her sometimes is to not reply because she escalates EVERYTHING and overreacts to EVERYTHING. Unreal.
 
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Ok. Now to refocus on what is important.

I went binging last night ... 3 cheese sticks and triscuits, remaing bacon (3 pcs) and egg. A small vodka after the FDog was picked up. If it's in the house, I eat it. Now the extras have been consumed and I am back to healthy looking fridge. I wish I had tossed the remaining triscuits after Proggy left. :(

Still - I want to celebrate a NSV. Increasing the amount of walking and activity has improved my overall toning and posture. When I look in the mirror it looks as if my butt is a bit tighter. I will take it, I need the positive reinforcement..

Fiera's Fighting Plan for Today
Drink plenty of water ✅
Feeding window 12-6; The Good and The Green!
Detachment/minimize impact of Difficult Woman's latest meltdown ✅
Clean from weekend, open mail, put things away etc. ✅
Organize to do list and calendar (FL trip, fostering, IE etc) ✅
Walk...not sure where yet..3 miles...overcast = STRUGGLE IS REAL
Transport supplies (partially arrived, recall tools for fosters) ✅
"Work" day ends by 4PM
Relax then meditation group this evening :)
Grill the pork tenderloin ✅ Made to perfection! Oh MY!
Schedule colonoscopy ✅
 
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Tuesday
⛈️🛖🪣
187.2 (Muscle 96.6lb/Fat 85.4lb)

I sit here this morning grateful for the feeling of relative peace. The heavy rain came thru the roof into the den last night (in spite of the pans in the attic) around 11:30PM. I got a bucket and then eventually two more pots and listened to the differently pitched and paced plink plunk with a sense of...Acceptance? Resignation? Maybe it's detachment. Numbing. Checking out. It was the ending of an exhausting day for sure, and I just did what needed to be done. I went to the basement to pick a few things off the floor as it was raining so hard Iknew it could leak/flood, but I left things like rugs down because I just didn't have it in me. It also fortuitously let me to find that I never started the dryer earlier while talking to Proggy so in a way it saved me from a disaster of another kind. Rain coming into your den is not pleasant, but it also did not send me into house terrors like I used to experience.

However I did have a triggered day yesterday after dealing with the difficult person. I need to be super mindful of any communication which goes to her in the future. I lost time dealing with that, and I was still triggered later in the day and bringing it with me to meditation, where I slipped from the practice/present several times, and afterward, replaying it in my mind. It was exhausting. Sleep was restorative.

Yesterday I fasted til almost 1. Lunch was a hearty portion of delicious grilled pork tenderloin, spinach and kidney beans. Low carb (are there carbs in kidney beans)? I didn't feel hungry but I finally ate some oatmeal w/milk and banana before heading to meditation group, fearing I would get hungry. When I came home, I still didn't feel very hungry but I knew I needed to eat something else. The first item I cooked from the freezer tasted off and I threw it out, Then I ate a hot dog and pb&j while waiting for the tarte to cook, and then I mindlessly polished off the entire tarte while talking with Proggy, essentially a binge when I was not really even hungry

I think because I forgot to take my W until around noon it may have had some appetite suppressing qualities during the afternoon. Or it may have been the conflict. Maybe even inflammation, since I dropped over a pound overnight? It wasn't a super good mental health day. I didn't take a walk. But I am feeling much better now.

Fiera's Fighting Plan for Today
Walk outdoors 3M (Noon)
Cook mushrooms ✅
Dishes ✅
Meals: Sweet pot-mush-tacos,huevos rancheros w tortilla 1/2 avoc✅
Transport Permit review accuracy ✅
Empty Attic Pan(s) ✅
Partial supplies delivery downstairs ✅
St Paddy's Day dog v irish conflict decision ✅
Checks to JI dog event and retiree club membership ✅
TY and email to JI ✅
Put away clean laundry
 
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Eat the Frog for Breakfast, right? Well first I needed to check the transport permit and get that circulated, and check in with the kennel about the recall tools. I took the partial shipment of dog food downstairs then got dressed warmer for the attic and forced myself to go do the deed. However...when I got up there, almost no water is in the pans. It must have missed? It is very distressing, since now I will have to wait for another suitable rain during the daytime hours to figure it out. And, it smells musty up there from wood getting wet, not a great sign. Am pretty sure at some point the entire roof will need to be redone, and not just the shingles..another vote for just selling to a developer who will rip it off and add a 2nd story. So frustrating.
 
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