Tuesday
187.4
Stayed up late (IN BED again) watching a tv show on my IPad, And checking and Jax and Ian's social. Jax made a few unhinged posts about deleting her account in a day or two, then when I woke up her account was gone. Again, not my drama, but it feels upsetting. I am friends with both of them, having met Ian (failed date) shortly before he met Jax. We clubbed together every weekend with Chris for a couple of years an occasionally hung out. They moved to NYC in maybe 2018 or 2019 so I see them about once per year when they come back to visit. They are both pretty social ano intersting people but Jax is on a different plane. She is very intense. Anyway it is not my drama but I am feeling both sorrow and in the dark. I wondered this morning if Jax is on drugs, I had noticed in her photos she has lost a lot of weight recently - first thinking maybe one of the new fashionable weight loss drugs but then wondering if something darker. Knowing the scene she moves in it is possible. I want to reach out to Ian and offer some support but also don't have bandwidth to hear about drama details before Proggy and I head out of town for a 4 day weekend. I guess I could send a text offering to chat when I get back next week. I don't think I ever met a couple who were so well suited, it just floors me. But - people evolve, or get bored or whatever. Just sad when it happens.
So. Shaking that off.
Oh and good, the sun just peeked out from behind some clouds.
So. I did stick to a feeding window yesterday, but during that window I ate - a lot. I was afraid I was going to get hungry in the evening. I certainly didn't need the 400 calories of pad thai I stuck in at the end. Lunch was a small salad with a small bit of creamy garlic and 4oz chicken breast...then the pizza. I was going to have 1/2 pizza and salad, but I forgot I had bacon in the oven and had to wait to go pick up the pizza, so just started with the salad. When I got to the pizza, there was less incentive to wait til I got home (since I had already eaten the rest of the meal). And I just started ripping into it while driving home. I could have stopped at 1/2 but I didn't. It tastes so good. I DID stop, but then I broke into it again. Two more times. So I ate 5/6 of the pizza on the way home, and had the other 1/6 about an hour later. OK, but it wasn't the end of the world because I had baked cod (w tartar and a bit of butter) and cooked fresh spinach for dinner. Right? But then I was worried about getting hungry in the evening as my window was closing at 6...so I had 1/2 peanut butter (TJ) and then the entire portion of pad thai. Probably 600 calories IN because I was afraid of getting hungry later. In fact, when midnight came and I was not falling asleep, I *WOULD* have snacked if there was something available...fortunately there wasn't really.
SO...yesterday was really carby and probably 2000+ calories. But I also had a better walk with SB - 2.5 miles - and did several trips to the basement (laundry) and to the garage. The carbs will ultimately be useful as I pack today and leave for Proggy's. Staying overnight at his place and then departing for Nville in the morning.
What is strange is the scale app is suggesting that I am dehydrated, but I have been drinking quite a lot of water. My skin is dry though, so maybe there is something to it. Shrug? I am sure there was a lot of salt in the pizza and pad thai I had yesterday but wouldn't that make me retain water?
Fiera's Fighting Plan
Brekkie (huevos rancheros)
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Lunch (egg salad)
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Dinner (pre-Proggy) chix brst sand with avoc
Laundry remnants
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Massage/chiro consult
![Check mark button :white_check_mark: ✅](https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/7.0/png/unicode/64/2705.png)
Walk outdoors (if able) prior to coming back home
Time bound audit of email list
![Check mark button :white_check_mark: ✅](https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/7.0/png/unicode/64/2705.png)
Email re: 14th transport
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Pack
House to Sleep (heat, garbage, dishes etc)
Not really any further time to reflect on anyone else's drama. But while making brekkie I noted that I am particularly fond of memories of that colorful slice of time during which I was running with them for a variety of reasons. Same time frame hairdresser is from, and KDog is from and... well maybe since my life has been in such a rut for so long, and those were times I was really ALIVE, and things from that era are dissipating and disappearing, maybe that is why I feel it so much. Clubs are gone. Music scene is fading. People are passing away, moving/moved away, or changing. I have almost nothing and no one left. It is in some sense an ungrounding. When you lose people who know your history, or the places where your history was developed, it becomes a bit like a tree falling in a forest. Did those things happen? Do they matter to anyone but you?
I have always been a bit enamored of people like the M family where they come together and tell stories. It might be the same stories. The stories that bond them. Shared experience. Solidity of sibling and family ties. It is one of the things which drew me to W and his family. So much love. No one walks around worried that they might say or do the wrong thing and suddenly no longer be a part of things. I guess I miss that. I no longer have AN or batgirl or S. All 3 of them were important parts of my post-marriage life. I do have SB and Proggy and PAG and EF and I am making new memories now, thought the rescue group is all fairly arms length. Also, I need to call my Aunt M. Appreciate Peaches more. And my dad - every once in a while he brings up a nugget or memory I had forgotten. I love that. Even my brother.
So, as Pirate Leader brought When Things Fall Apart and the groundlessness, impermanence teachings the other day, it is always a good lesson. Proggy and I are both people who cling to the past. But as life goes on I feel like we learn to weather transitions better. You learn that you can't control them, and you also learn that you will survive them and there is something else ahead. Maybe that something else becomes more limited and less optimistic as you grow older, but certainly nothing worthwhile will happen if you don't TRY.
On that note, it is time to hit the shower and change out the laundry.