Fiera Fights Back

After a severe plunge in mood, mostly around being sick and not having energy to even leave the house, I'm off the bottom. Baseball game on tv, though my team is losing it still is comforting. I had tried to call Proggy at the worst of it but did not get him. Now he just called to say he is updating some software and will call me later, I didn't let on that I was crying. I know it is just temporary but am tired of feeling like crud. I don't want to dump it on him anyway.

Throat glands are heavily swollen again...is this yet another phase/attack/worsening? Sigh.

Not really hungry for dinner. Had snacks for late lunch. Just having a banana and moving on. Nearly 8PM anyway.

Turned off the game which was becoming a blowout. Put on a series called Three Pines. I saw once before, quite good.
 
Thursday

Started dozing of around 10, but didn't shut tv off until 12. Slept til 6, napped til 7. At some point turned the heat down and that helped quality of sleep for sure. I occasionally contemplate getting a programmable thermostat to replace the one from the 70's but it's a two wire and the new ones are not. So, here we are.

Gut feels swollen. Only way to fix that really is to eat clean today. Still signs of a sinus infection but less croupy in the chest. Still need leak pads.

Cleaning Lady today. Not too much picking up to do but I need a shower before she comes.

My mental state has largely bounced back. Maybe the reason I fell off a cliff has something to do with food/sugar/tea/honey.

It is gently raining, skies are fairly light overcast so not too ugly. Think it will last most of the day then we are set for mostly sunshine over the weekend,

Taxes this morning first thing after shower. Eat the frog.

That's about it. Dull but dull is good.
 
Taxes are done. Ate the frog. Also had to make an estimated payment for Q12024 for state taxes. I was unable to itemize so no charitable, medical, or property tax deductions. It is pretty terrible how much tax I paid this year. It would not be so bad if my portfolio was making money, but it is not. I feel dumb. Or numb. Numb-Dumb

I'm still fighting something and my body is worn out from shifting things around for cleaning lady and doing taxes and email cleanup. Something went sideways in my financial software again so I will need to do another manual reconciliation. Otherwise it overstates my holdings.

Dad and Peaches called and he is approved by 3 of 3 docs for knee replacement. Wish he had to pass a psych exam as he will only do the minimally required rehab and only as long as a professional forces him to do it. This likely is not going to go well. He sees the surgeon next week. Well...just need to mind my own health for now. For another two weeks til he goes under the knife.
 
Oh, the most phenomental article showed up in my in box.

I cannot reproduce all here but it was an intro and extract from
When Things Don’t Go Your Way: Zen Wisdom for Difficult Times by Haemin Sunim

"4. If something is not working out, do not hold on to it for too long just because you have already invested a lot of time and effort. Knowing the right time to give up is a form of wisdom. Giving up does not mean the end but the beginning of a new path."

House. AN. Proggy? This specific nonprofit? This city? CB? My financial/tax guys? Of course am not answering any of that because it starts off the bat with mentioning you need to look at these things when your mind is calm.
 
Attended 6:30 neighborhood zoom meeting as there were 2 zoning related issues. One I think we will approve the other I am not feeling supportive of, I need to go drive by it though.

Watching Three Pines again, glass of chardonnay.

Dogsitting Caddie tomorrow. I can't believe it will have been 10 days since I last sat, and I was surprised and disappointed to not be feeling well enough to walk him more than 1.5 miles total with the wet conditions....but being worn out and glad when he was out of here,

10 days ago! The impact of my dad caretaking goes far beyond the time I actually am present with him.

When I judge myself for being not ready to meet with AN, I need to remember this. I had realized it previously but sometimes I forget.
 
Friday

Today was the first time I left the house since Monday. I had Ok energy in the morning but it vanished by 2PM.

Caddie arrived, talked with CB (finally), took Caddie to FG woods/2M walk gorgeous day. Send photos to his mom, listened to part of a Tricycle Talks podcast. Then fed Caddie, ordered and walked to pick up a burger/salad. Ate burger then conked out. Woke up to explosive thunder from a pop up cell. Both Caddie and I were a bit stunned.

Saylor and I will meet for coffee and catch up tomorrow. Am trying to do little things to get back into a better headspace even though I am still struggling.

Throat glands swelled up again in the afternoon after lunch and coffee. Maybe it's the coffee but could have been anything in the burger or salad as well.

Now just waiting for Caddie's pickup. He didn't eat his dinner but I will try one more time. He has food sensitivity so am limited on what to try to tempt him with. And I can't keep giving him scrambled eggs unless I start charging his mom for them.

Anyway, I kind of used my time with CB for a good cry/wallow today. But the article I posted yesterday (about letting go) and the podcast I listened to today (about non-aspirational meditation, simply observing without a goal to be a better person, to get in touch with the reality of who am I today, what is true, what is real. There is a lot I need to do to come to terms with the parts of my life that have't worked out the way I had imagined. And because of my shame and disappointment I don't see the good in what I have or a clear idea of where to go from here.

I am avoiding people. My grad school people. AN. Work people. Night club scene people. And I am not physically strong/healthy enough right now to do some of the adventures I envisioned for myself. CB thinks I should just accept myself that this is the new me. I roil at the idea that this FAT, WEAK, SHUT IN is who I really am. I mean - what is the point of living if this is all there is? I am NOT my eating disorder or my health issues or my fatigue or depression. I am not going to admit defeat.

Dammit I am PISSED at her right now. I guess I will start the new med tonight after Caddie's mom picks him up.
 
Sat

As usual, tired last night, esp after getting walking in earlier. Probably nodded out between 8 and 9. Woke up between 2 and 3 but thankfull went back to sleep. Not sure the new med had much impact, but starting on a low dose. Had sfr takeout with potstickers for dinner.

Meeting Saylor for coffee this morning. She offered a walk but I am moving really slow still. The croup in my lungs and sinuses is finally showing a major improvement.

I really was missing my dog yesterday and today. Maybe I have had enough time away from my Dad caretaking to start becoming aware of the blank space in my life. There is the back door, which right now the sun is shining through the glass panels scratched with many years of KDog jumping up trying to see what o my was doing out in the yard. Or slobber marks on woodwork which didn't show up until the sunlight hit them on just the right angle. A lot of memories, a lot of years.

i received a letter from a realtor looking for investor/developer properties in the neighborhood. I think maybe I should just call them while the interest is there..and then I think, where will I go? Will I move out closer to the hometown so it is easier to get to Dad and the kennel? Have I lost that sense of connection to the city or is that just depression talking? Do I simply need a change? Knowing I will likely get another large dog how does that factor into options for renting? What are my choices without consideration of my Dad's future needs and what are are my choices WITH him? What are my needs to go on a short vacation RIGHT NOW just for a few days? Just me, alone, outside of this house? Somewhere I can feel safe, somewhere restorative?


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Did not hit post button, apparently. Back from meetup with Saylor at park coffee shop. It is gorgeous sunny and cool out but feeling drained. Pixy invited me over for a rescue meetup. I don't think I have the stamina for the 15 minute drive and social hangout, even though her invite promises to just put me in a chair and let me pet dogs. Will see, perhaps I will try to nap now.

Proggy called too. I was surprised he does not want to come up. I'd be worried about his depression if I had bandwidth for anyone else right now,
 
Went to the rescue meetup at Pixy's. Stayed about 2 hours, Didn't converse much really. Was nice to see people but I know that I did not present well. Oh well, the truth comes out, I can't fake it these days. Was tired and went home afterward.

I made turkey avocado toast sandwich. Felt better. Wanted chocolate ice cream or chocolate shake, no chocolate in the house, So set out and decided to stop at a DB for a scoop then stop at grocery for a couple of things. Well. I got a single scoop which the sign said was $3.19. The girl rang me up for $4.35+ tax. So I point out the discrepancy and she pretends? to not speak English and using the translate on her phone she tells me that the prices on the sign are "old". I ask her to honor the posted price and she won't. If it was a dime or something who cares, but this is more than a dollar. I consider offering to pay exact cash for what it should have been but checking my wallet I only had a $5 bill. I slid the ice cream back across the counter to her and walked out, furious, aggravated, and tired.

Then I called the municipality and reported them. Maybe I could have been more forgiving but they are ripping people off and I am just so tired of it. I worked hard for my money. I don't appreciate being cheated.

Grabbed some discount lettuce and spinach at the store, some bar chocolate, and hot dogs.

Home for the night now. Took the new med (TMax) night 2 at 6P.
 
Sunday

Awake til almost 1A tossing and turning, Maybe new med, maybe snacks. waking up slow this AM, Tummy ache continues, as does pain in right side which started from hard coughing. The tummy ache I am hoping will resolve with better diet. I need to quit the cheese and nuts. I have spinach and eggs for brekkie and romaine for salad later.

The price of food is frightening. I am having an actual out of body experience every time I go shopping now, How casually things which were $2.xx are now $5. I looked sadly at my jar of capers last night and wondered when I will next be treating myself to salmon to go with it...it used to be every few months, now it might be a year. Similarly, beef. Eggs I have stepped down in quality. Bread, too, unless I get on sale. I bought the slightly browning romaine and spinach for half off. Maybe when I am out near the kennel I will check prices. Good incentive to eat less I guess...
 
This was posted by the brother of L's best friend. It's sort of a mic drop really. Just gonna put this here for my own reflection.
 

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Had some coffee around 4, after intentionally skipping coffee/tea after morning matcha. Was trying to make the tummy pain and belching get better. Coffee did help take away the minor headache and wake me up a bit. I went for a mile walk around 5, after someone picked up gabapentin for their dog to tide them over til a tues appt with the program vet.

I needed to wait for it to cool off a bit it was nearly 80 today and sun blazing. Was nice when I went for my walk and the entire neighborhood seems out and about, but I still am not used to being without KDog...feeling like there is no place to linger without weirding people out, no place to just sit, no way to connect with people, esp those with youger kids. I'm invisible, yet when I want to be invisible and just have a cry somewhere there is nowhere to do that either.

Just feeling emotional, and better out than in. This is just where my life is today. It does not have to stay this way.

My throat glands swelled up again so maybe it is the coffee. Or the tears. Or both.

I laid on the couch all day. I was very drowsy. It was warm in the house with no trees for shade. Pollens are high, but I think possibly the new med is making it hard for me to fall asleep at night and then I am tired during the day. I talk w the meds doc tomorrow.

Would be a good thing to get in another mile or so walk. Perhaps a little drive. Caddie is here tomorrow and will limit my options.
 
Grabbed the Pete Walker book and a flask of water and drove to the forest preserve (TL). I read a short bit about flight mode individuals and the constant business and the mind which makes up anxiety to stay occupied when there is not enough actual activity; how activity is scattered; how the simple, least productive tasks get tackled because they create a rather false sense of accomplishment. Guilty on all counts. I sat with it. First time I have been able to sit and read and sit and think. Then I got out of the car and was able to observe, listen better, the birds. mallard pair, woodpecker, golden hour light streaming through the trees....it was nice. I felt more whole. More human.

After I got a roaster chicken, apple and bananas at the whole paychecks.

I have thought several times today about being the person that you want to love for the rest of your life. I really like that. Cause of I don't like myself...well...doesn't everything good start with that? And doesn't that carry me a long way through life's storms and low spots?
 
Mon

Caddie today.

Several times that quote about being that person that you want to love for the rest of your life has caused me to rethink or change course on something. I deleted two comments on social and then started asking the bigger question of why am I spending time ON social unless it is to enhance my life. And it does help with the rescue group people and it helps with caregiver support, DIY and my particular SUV repairs/quirks. I rarely see anything from actual people, friends. I did however see that quote about being the person you want to love and also a call for prayers later from the same guy...even though it was evening and I was low energy (and fearing getting drained further) I ended up texting him and offering to talk. He just texted, but am sure he appreciated hearing from me. Found out he was going in for an angioplasty this morning and a bit anxious as there should have been an update by now. Hopefully soon.

Anyway, I had meds doc this AM, she agreed to hold off the new med til I see the rheum and am feeling better. Also she is supportive that there is something going on with the gut, she is a believer as well. Especially after recounting everything that transpired during and after my trip to FL, ordering out, raiding transport supplies, drinking more coffee. Today I did have coffee, but skipped brekkie, took Caddie for a walk out by the boonie goonies and then made a chopped saladfor lunch (romaine, 1/2 avoc, 1 poached egg, chopped chicken, pillo's dressing. I'll call it clean-ER as the salad dressing (applied sparingly) probably was not too great.

I rang Proggy and encouraged him to go get on his bike today. It is perfect for it (other than the pollen). I am going to actually try to wash some of the pollen off my face from the walk. Its so nice out the windows are open so no point in trying to run the air purifier now.

I am feeling a bit better energy and though the 2 mile gentle walk with Caddie was quite enough, I feel more on a positive trend today for sure.

So glad and grateful to be seeing and doing what I need to in order to get better.
 
Oh. Dad hung up on me today after I was discussing his lack of compliance (or even acceptance of doc advice as legit even if he chooses not to comply). He sounds pretty muffly and says he is falling asleep during the day a lot. Any way Peaches called me back to relay that yes he did in fact hang up on me, so I told her to let him know I won't be calling him until he apologizes for hanging up on me. I figured it was going to be several days at least.

But just when I started this post, my phone rang and it was him. He apologized for hanging up on me, and I apologized for taking about things in a way which was upsetting to him. Then he said I'm at the doctor, we are leaving, I gotta go. Which is hysterical. Peaches must have been on his case to call me and apologize, And so he did it at his first chance and then could not stick around to tell me how the appointment went, lol. Well good job there dad. 🙂
 
I feel distressed by some information relayed after the surgeon appt. All of our plans and expectations were that Dad would be in hosp for a few days then rehab for 10-14 days. The surgeon told them today that Dad would probably come right home if he did well. And that there is a much greater increase of infection if he goes to a rehab. But...OK...well...what kind of support and rehab would he get at home? Peaches is supposed to go to a bowling tourney for 4-5 days, I'd be looking after him on my own. I can't do it. I physically cannot. I cannot lift or turn him. I cannot help him get up or steady him, I am incredibly weak and even the activity of the day today wore me out. I still feel pain and sickness in my tummy,

I feel fear. We need answers. We need resources lined up.

He is not going to voluntarily do the exercises at home. He needs someone coaching and pushing him. If he doesn't go to rehab where he will be pushed a few times a day using real equipment and proper supports how is he really going to recover?

We only have 10 days and now this huge project to try to figure it out and get resources lined up. I already didn't feel like eating dinner and now I just feel sick.

Still I am noticing in the context of my "flight" brain I am suddenly running around mentally and experiencing anxiety around the unknown. I can talk w CB Friday she has knowledge around this. I think it will be a good idea rather than allowing this to consume me for the next 10 days (and then moving in out there starting the day before surgery) that I limit my "job" of solving this to 1 hour per day this week, and continue to address anything else I need to for my own situation (such as the roof), masonry, etc.
 
Tues

Stretch. Yawn.

The inappetence helped me to *not snack* last night. As a result I slept well (after turning lights and video off). If brother had not texted me the word game at 6:45 I might have slept even longer.

Messaged Guru Doc this morning about gut/inappetence and pain in side. I think it is probably fine, muscular, but then EF just lost her ex hubby who didn't take appendix symptoms seriously soon enough. Rheum appt is next week.

With the inappetence and return to anti-inflammatory foods, my gut/body are feeling a bit looser. Weight down to 185.5. Drinking more water is important today. I have the flask positioned to go.

Dentist appt at 1P. Usually I feel more enthused. I make an afternoon of it, go do something fun in that area. I did just recall the restaurant out there I have been wanting to go to, but they do not open til 4 and in any event I don't think I want something like that to eat right now. I don't want/need to go shopping. I don't feel like the effort of going to the lakeside towns or garden. Maybe I will go fishing for a while.

For now I will just start some laundry. Maybe do 15 mins of light yard work before it gets hotter out.

Back to being that person I want to be in love with for the rest of my life. I know she is not bowed down from carrying the weight of her father's (largely self inflicted) condition. [Oh, how I also see that I am very similar to him in this regard!] I hold my head higher for caring about myself enough to eat well, take care of my appearance, have a functional fitness level, and I laugh. I am more carefree and less serious. I can meet people's gazes again with a smile in my eyes. I have the bandwidth to truly care and truly listen about other people. My world is not so me-centric. That feels happy.
 
Wednesday

Have been practicing on the mental perspective shift. Everytime I recognize a negative moment and flip it around I feel good about it.

Yesterday's dentist visit was sad face. My recent neglect during illness and stress has put my tooth pockets back into recession and I have a cavity along the margin of a crown which will necessitate the crown being replaced.

Guru Doc has not yet responded. Start Zyrt yesterday for seasonal allergies and this morning hooked up the HEPA air purifier which I kept only because I missed the return window. Now I am glad that I have it. It seems like it helps!

Bette Davis movie is on, a woman kills her wealthy twin and assumes her identity. It's actually pretty good. Odd for the time of day but perfect for the slow starting morning.

I napped for an hour in the afternoon after dentist - attributed to pollen but when I checked Garmin data stress level was very high for 24 hours so maybe just sapped my already low energy. Spike must be due to finding out Dad is not going to rehab after surgery. Woke up very cold from nap though it was 73 in the den so maybe a low carbs/sugar/calories thing? On way back from dentist the independent caregiver agency called me and then the surgeon's PA. Was able to ask more detailed questions about discharge and rehab. Felt a little more comfort that I won't just be thrown in to the deep end of the pool if/when he is not ambulatory.

Did not sleep that well last night. Snacked a pint of coconut milk ice cream after 8PM after being good all day. Was warm after that. Ended up sleeping on futon in front, tough on neck and back. Then moved to den at 4A and brother texted me the word game early again. Then vitamin alarm woke me up again at 8A. Too much broken low quality sleep.

I'm glad to have a calendar free from external obligations for the day. I plan to finish and put away laundry, freeing up the bed for sleeping. Catch up on dishes. See what else needs to be done and what arises organically. Sun came out after rain overnight, but it keeps clouding over like rain. Back and forth.
 
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Dishes done. Laundry mostly done. Bed is able to be slept in tonight.

Still fighting the last of the congestion, and fell asleep on couch again, Can't wait to be full steam again.

What arose? Car title/short trip to DMV to request lien removal. Only took me 8 years. Also, cleaning the gunky stainless steel kettle. Who knew all I needed was stove cleaner spray and some elbow grease. Doing it a bit at a time but it is coming along. Shiny makes me feel good. Paid REI cc bill. Cooked a real dinner, mushroom ravioli, sausage, red sauce green beans. It has been quite a while since I did anything that extensive

Tomorrow morning I go to my Dad's rehab appt at 9. I need to be out the door by 7:50 to allow for traffic. Trying to not give it bandwidth until I need to, Garmin is showing the reset to a more moderate stress level.👏

Guru doc still has not responded. It is not an emergency, if I felt it was I would have gone to urgent care. Inappetence is I think improving, The pain in my side though has me puzzled.
 
Thursday

Ran out to Dad's rehab pre-surg eval appt at 9, then dropped by his house for a bit. He was barely awake and then going out to lunch so I left him be.

I accidentally left my phone at home and though the roofer might have been trying to call, the peace which came over me (oh well, too bad, can't do anything about it) was fab. Then the rehab appt brought a bit more clarity around expectations and when Peaches wants me to stay out there. Turns out she was acting weird because her granddaughter and ggson are already staying there the night before surgery and the next night and she didn't want me to feel displaced. I got there very roundabout.

Though not having the phone kept me from stopping for lunch at the garden or horseshoe cafe....I stopper home to get it/check it and went right back out. I just wanted to go DO something while I had something resembling energy,and freedom.

Headed for lake, but ended up having lunch at Cafe Sel - closing soon - the popped into Verizon store to ask about transferring my Dad's number. Browsed a couple of stores then stopped at TJ to pick up a few things. Connected with the checker. It felt important to try to keep in a "freedom of spirit" place mentally. After I got home a friend on social posted from a spa and I started looking into it to see about a mani pedi. The I looked at services and said yep, a hot stone massage is really what I need. They booked me in within the hour.

Everyone does them different. I used to get them at a high end salon and they were relaxing, slow, long and somewhat deep, with the focus being use and placement of hot stones for relaxation. It's like a Jedi mind trick when done well. More often then not when I go to a regular massage place, they end up doing their standard swedish or deep tissue with the stones, some placement, but with a lack of nuanced understanding. Today's girl was a Swedish Hot Rod. She did my full body and more placement than some, but she was working entirely too fast at times to relax. Oh well. On the balance I still enjoyed it and it was not a waste of money...which is better than the last few I had. A solid B.

Came home, heard something up in attic, took flashlight up and looked around. Sounds like some birds may be nesting in the soffit. Took the opportunity to empty the rain bucket.

No baseball to watch tonight, so reading or old movies. Rain is moving in. Temps are falling and only 66 in the den so may have turn heat up. Wish I felt like cooking. Maybe make chicken salad "puff", mom's old recipe; have to look for recipe for the puff.
 
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Friday

Made puff today. Came out decent. Threw the first batch out after realizing that the old flour did not smell fresh in the dough. Picked up new flour along with tarragon for the chicken salad, a jar of mayo, and some cilantro at the ethnic market. The Cilantro was super chea, the rest of the stuff not so much. As with anything these days if you don't get it on sale the everyday shelf prices are rough.

Sent brother mom's recipe for tuna ring bake, which showed up last night after not finding it a year or two ago. He was excited.

CB today. A lot about starting to unfreeze and be back in my body a bit. I do think dietary improvements are a help. A temporary reduction in the dad stress also helps. At least we have a skeleton plan now.

Had a problem this morning where the new sample floss shredded and got stuck in between my teeth. I gave up and called the dentist office. They encouraged me to keep trying and use a tweezers before making the drive up. It took a long time but eventually I was able to get it dislodged. I think the whole episode took over 30 minutes.

It was sunny and cool today, but my energy was pretty spent after making puff and chicken salad and cleaning up all the dishes. Still I enjoyed doing that activity, creating something. I enjoy cooking, I just usually have too many other things on my mind, or don't have ingredients in the house. But it does tend to save some money.

Finally watched Everything Everywhere All At Once. I wish I had rented and not purchased it. I didn't realize there was going to be a lot of physical fighting. I really don't care for movies with long drawn out fight scenes, car chases etc, It was clever and well executed and well acted though. Quirky is usually right up my alley but I kept tuning out and reading the news on my phone to pass the time during the fight sequences. Oh well. The important part is I finally saw a movie that I kept not watching because Proggy was not interested. Living MY life. Doing Fiera things feels so good.

Proggy incidentally is at a grade school reunion tonight. We spoke earlier. Now I have actually turned my phone entirely OFF for a bit. Along with turning the TV off after the movie ended. Because me space feel spacious and good and healing.
 
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