Emily Rose: The Reboot

[Emilyrose]

Thanks Hana - yeah, it's homemade soup, followed a Jamie Oliver recipe, very tasty!

Amendments to M2, D7:
Sigh. Hate these amendments.
Smoked 12 cigs in the end.
Forgot I also had a pack of salt and vinegar crisps earlier in the day.
Lost my mind last night and had a bottle of Prosecco and most of a bottle of rose wine as well. Fucking stupid behaviour. I really love sabotaging myself.

M2, D8:

1. How did today go?
Spending some time with the family today. Just watched the Golden Globes red carpet. A lot of the dresses were horrendous. I did like Sienna Miller's look below:

My goal is to be able to pull something like this off eventually.

2. How was your food and exercise?
As you can imagine, I ate all the food today. Managed to do my 6k run, it actually wasn't too bad. When you don't give yourself a choice whether to go or not, you just have to get on with it. My time wasn't great though (of course).

Today's food: Strawberries
Strawberries boost collagen production. Free botox, if you will.

The Food:
- large bottle of Lucozade and can of club lemon (to restore blood sugar levels)
- porridge with blueberries, strawberries, flaxseed and almond milk
- 500ml Ben and Jerry's mint and choc brownie ice cream (eaten throughout the day)
- tea and milk
- roast lamb, gravy, roast potatoes, honey-roasted carrots and parsnips, broccoli, 1 boiled potato
- apple crumble and cream
- coffee and milk
- latte
- pack of cheese and onion crisps
- peppermint tea
- 2 slices toast with butter and marmalade

Yeah, this is the most I've ate in a while. Still hungry. Stupid alcohol.

Today's weight: 11 stone 5 1/2 pounds. Don't think tomorrow will be pretty.

No cigs smoked today, but I won't lie - I will be buying a pack tomorrow. Just not ready to give up all my vices yet.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
This week will reveal all.

 

[Llama]

- large bottle of Lucozade and can of club lemon (to restore blood sugar levels)

Hehe.

Alcohol does really tend to mess up the next day, doesn´t it? Great work still going out for a run!

 

[Emilyrose]

Yes it does LaMa!

M2, D9:

1. How did today go?
It was fine. Went to see that film Arrival, what a beautiful movie. It's making me reflect on myself and the things I 'know' that are in my future, without really knowing why. Very interesting stuff. Found it really moving.

2. How was your food and exercise?
Did an excellent spin/kettlebells class today in the gym. Really felt like I got the best of both worlds doing it. My legs are so much stronger already compared to the spin class I did a few weeks ago having not gone in ages. Really feeling good.

Cigs were 6. I did watch the first episode of The Crown today, which was pretty much an hour of showing the negative effects of smoking. Scary stuff.

Food:

Today's food: Onion
Onion blocks wrinkle formation, detoxifies. Makes you cry.

- granola, 1 weetabix, cornflakes, milk; orange juice; coffee and milk
- watercress, potato and onion soup
- crusty bread roll with 2 slices ham, butter, 2 slices gouda cheese and vine tomatoes
- tea and milk
- small popcorn at the cinema
- coffee and milk

Weight was 11 stone 5 pounds.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
I just have to trust that there's all sorts of shit going on in the background with this. The body is the only thing I have full control over, and my mind still needs all sorts of work, but I am not giving up!!!

 

[Sunflower_]

Emily you had exactly the same reaction as me to that film.. How strange. I was weirdly tearful the whole way through it.. And then the little girl was called Hannah and I was like whaaaaaaaat. It was lovely and moving and made me feel very odd.

 

[Emilyrose]

Yeah, I loved that her name was a palindrome. Very clever.

Amendment to M2, D9: Couldn't sleep, so got up for a late-night cig, 7 in total.

M2, D10:

1. How did today go?
Going to go a little deranged with my entry today, but fuckit, it's my diary, I can do what I want.

So, do you believe in the power of manifestation? Basically, a few months after first meeting that dream guy I mentioned here before, I had probably just watched The Secret or something like that. There was this summer concert going on where I lived then, so I decided to draw a crude stick figure drawing of the two of us at this concert, holding stick figure hands with a love heart over our heads. (Note: This was nearly 8 years ago and I was a lot younger then.) I had nothing to go on thinking he might be at this concert, he didn't live in the same place as me then, and it was basically a romantic fantasy gone deranged. Anyhoo, the day of the concert, his friend that I worked with at the time kept going on about how he really wanted to go cos some of his friends were going, but he didn't have a ticket. He didn't say which friends but it got my hopes up.

The evening of the concert: Lo and behold! Mr. Hottie was there with my friend from work and while it wasn't quite stick figures in love, I did get to hang out with him a lot and from my perspective, we had a great time.

I'm going to take you forward in time now to me, last night, lying in bed, with some idle fantasy about bumping into Mr. Dream Man in town today, ending up getting lunch, having a lovely time, him taking my number, blah blah. Yes, I need to grow up but it soothed my mind while I tried to get some shuteye.

Went into town today, more or less forgot all about it, and as I was walking up the street, he had just stopped and was putting something into his bag, so he was stopped just as I was passing. Heart in stomach, manic babbling from me, cries of 'Happy New Year!', a demented story about how my New Year's Eve went, and then his phone rang and he pretty much cut me off and said he had to go. Heart shattered. After that, I'm not even sure he likes me as a person. And now I can't even think about him or he'll appear and ruin what was a lovely day in town where I got my finances in order and got shit done! Agh!!!!!

(Has Arrival gotten too much into my head? Have I rewired my brain in my sleep?! Double aghhhh!)

Other than that, the day was fine. (I am crazy, I know.)

2. How was your food and exercise?
Got up for yoga this morning. It was with a teacher who was really mean to me before, but I was like, 'Fuckit, I'm entitled to be here'. She was actually cool today so glad I faced my fears and went to her class!

Weigh in today was a disastrous 11 stone 8 1/4 pounds. The alcohol has turned to fat people. Sickening.

Food:
Today's food: Eggs
Eggs supply building blocks of beauty.

- porridge, almond milk, strawberries, flaxseed
- tablespoon of apple cider vinegar and water
- cup of leek, potato and coconut milk soup; toasted sandwich with brie, sun-dried tomatoes, pesto, leaves; coffee and milk (a really nice coffee actually)
- banoffee pie with cream and tea and milk (to calm my nerves after the awful encounter) and a mini biscuit
- 2-egg omelette with tomatoes, chilli peppers, onion, spinach, peppers and mushrooms
- slice brown toast with butter and slice of gouda cheese; tea and milk

Cigs: 13

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
No, my dreams are in tatters.

 

[Llama]

1. You got your finances in order and got shit done.
2. You faced your fears and went to a class you were anxious about.
3. You fed your body proper food and one treat.
4. Some dude who´s been taking up too much space in your head freed up some of that space.

Sounds to me like you were pretty awesome today.

 

[Sunflower_]

He sounds like a ballbag. How very rude! You don't need that negativity in your lifeeee lovely lady. Time to put him in the fuckit pile for now I think..

 

[Emilyrose]

Thanks LaMa.

Swiftly deposited to the fuckit pile Hana.

M2, D10 amendment: Called to a friend's house, had tea and milk, pu-erh tea (a new one for me, it was nice) and a ginger tea to cap it off.

M2, D11:

1. How did today go?
Does getting healthy have to be so boring? And I am only giving it 60% max at the moment. I used to pray to have time like this to work on my body - now I have it and I'm ready to tear my hair out. I need some excitement again! I think I was spoiled cos all last year, there was so much stuff going on. Sure, I was drinking waaaaayy too much and was feeling pretty tired a lot of the time, but was I happier? Ha, I'm a disaster.

2. How was your food and exercise?

Cig count update tomorrow.

Weight today was 11 stone 5 3/4 pounds. My body seems to like this weight. I actually did all my measurements earlier today, my waist is 32 1/2 inches, sooooo much better. Still have a bit to go.

Did an 8k run this morning. I kind of half felt like crying doing it, not because it was hard, but my life felt so empty. Dear God, I really am very melodramatic. I don't know, it was a lonely run.

In good news, the tired exhaustion of last week is not around this week. I took a little snooze this afternoon but I think that was because of the long run. I think I was feeling so tired last week because I was running so much over Christmas with all other exercise avenues being closed, and it was probably a bit too much. My general schedule for the next few weeks is:
Monday/Friday: Gym
Tuesday/Saturday: Yoga
Wednesday/Sunday: Run
Thursday: Tennis
I don't think it's excessive as I am not working at the moment (have I mentioned that?!! I need a job!!!!). I also think it's balanced between cardio and more general toning.

Ok, onto food.

Today's food: Grapefruit
Grapefruit protects skin from UV damage, hydrates, detoxifies.

- grapefruit; boiled egg; 1 slice brown toast and butter; coffee and milk
- glazed doughnut and americano with milk (yes, the doughnut shop came calling)
- sausage sandwich with onions, peppers and ketchup
- grilled trout, tender-stemmed broccoli, 1 potato

Definitely going to buy some biscuits and have some of those as well. Just need another sugar hit today. As I said, a sad day. But I am dealing with it better than other sad days from my past, believe it or not.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Had a job setback today (not the main job, but the temping). Frustrating, annoying, aggravating. Also, I am so bored, I'm planning on cleaning the whole house tomorrow. Has it really come to this?

In unrelated news, I adore the new one from Lady Gaga. On repeat all day.

 

[IAmGoingToTri]

Just read your OP. Kind of late for the party, but I liked your introduction so here it goes...

- Hot body
- Hot boyfriend
- Hot job

Nice goals, I like your ambition and optimism of trying to do this in 6 months. I hope you will be succesful!

Btw I can only help you with one. J/k

 

[Llama]

Hey girl, good job on the running! Please don´t beat yourself up for feeling sad, even if you think the reasons aren´t "serious" enough. Feelings are what they are and fighting them is rarely helpful.

 

[Sunflower_]

Hello flower - sorry it was a sad day. If it's any comfort I feel that way sometimes - usually when on my own and out on a walk.. makes you feel quite lonely and bleh. Hard to explain. But I know how you feel xx

 

[Emilyrose]

Haha, thanks Tri.

Hey LaMa, not really trying to fight the feelings, just not allow them to overpower me.

Thanks Hana, nice to hear that someone understands! It's a strange one.

M2, D11 amendments:
Smoked 11 in the end. Sigh.

Had a whole packet of jaffa cakes and 2 chocolate shortcake biscuits, along with two cups of tea and milk and a peppermint tea. Was buzzing after all the sugar! The sugar content of a packet of jaffa cakes is alarming to say the least. This is why I don't normally buy biscuits.

M2, D12:

1. How did today go?
Well, I decided it was time to stop focusing on myself for once, so today I went and donated blood for the first time. I am so happy with myself. It was so cheering to see all the other people at the clinic also donating and the woman who was taking my blood says that it is always busy in there. The world isn't such a bad place after all!

2. How was your food and exercise?
Haven't done my exercise yet, it's a tennis lesson in a few hours time. Don't feel too shaky after the donation, so it should be fine.

Food:
Today's food: Asparagus
Asparagus detoxifies, increases antiaging glutathione production.

- porridge, strawberries, flaxseed, almond milk; coffee and milk
- 2 slices brown toast with butter and a banana
- 100g ritter choc biscuit bar; 500ml Lucozade (yep, you got it - using the blood donation as an excuse to indulge in sugar! No act is truly altruistic! )
- tea and milk
- cup of 7up and 25g pack of cheese and onion crisps
- potato, asparagus, grilled trout

Not sure what else is on the menu this evening, hopefully not much more!

Weight was 11 stone 5 1/4 pounds. I just need to see a 4 on those scales at this point.

Cigs: 9

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
Swapped a hot body for a contributing body today. I feel really good.

 

[Cate]

Good for you Emily donating blood. It is such a selfless thing to do. We can't donate anymore & it was very disappointing to be told that. The world is not a bad place hon. I feel sad from time to time, but it's not letting things overpower you that is important. Sadness usually passes & it's important to try to focus on what is good, rather than dwell on the bad.

 

[Emilyrose]

Hi Cate, well, it was great that you did it at all! That's the main thing.

M2, D12 amendments: Had a slice of toast with butter and a cup of tea with milk before bed.

M2, D13:

1. How did today go?
Hmm. Well, it went ok as days go, food and drink was a disaster as usual on a Friday. I am really hungry after the blood donation. I haven't felt genuinely able to scoff loads of food like I was able to in the past in a while. But today my friend, today I was going for it. Not going to be too alarmed though, what's the point?

2. How was your food and exercise?
Well. Exercise was this crazy boot camp thing in my gym, it was really hard, I nearly passed out, but I made it through. Kind of showed me how far I've come but how I am not in the 'super fit' category yet. Actually, I don't even care to be super fit, but I guess if I want to achieve the body I want, it will come along with it.

Cigs: 19. I know.

Weight: 11 stone 4 3/4 pounds. The benefits of blood donation.

Today's food: Raspberries
Raspberries strengthen hair and nails. Bring it on.

- porridge, raspberries, flaxseed, almond milk; 1 boiled egg and 2 slices brown toast and butter; coffee and milk
- ridiculous chocolate muffin with cupcake icing on top
- tea and milk
- takeaway chips with salt and vinegar
- grilled steak and asparagus
- pack of salt and vinegar crisps and 2 choc shortcake biscuits
- bottle of red wine
- 2 pints friar weisse
- another takeaway chips with curry with a few robbed onion ring chicken things

Not great I'd say.

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
No, but I did have a pleasant evening out with friends and I have a pleasant day planned tomorrow with other friends. To be honest, I've felt so lonely the last few weeks that it's nice to know they're still around. It's just the time of year and loads of things. The summer is a far better time to be off. But I've needed this for my soul.

On a separate note, my tennis coach told me last night to Narrow your focus. I feel this can apply to anything. And my focus for the next week is my health. Fuck the job, fuck looking for someone, it's just about me.

 

[Sunflower_]

And my focus for the next week is my health. Fuck the job, fuck looking for someone, it's just about me.

 

[Llama]

with the above message.

 

[Cate]

Me too!

 

[Emilyrose]

Hana, LaMa, Cate - I love it! Thanks.

M2, D15:

1. How did today go?
Well, today went fine. Tonight however is a different story. A familiar story.

2. How was your food and exercise?
I actually had a great exercise moment today. I went to a free iyengar yoga class (apparently, it's Iyengar Yoga Day or something) and the moment the class ended, some water from the ceiling fell down in front of me. I told our instructor and she said that was a sign of good blessings coming my way. Thrilled with myself. I really feel like this could be the week of a shift in my universe.

Weight was 11 stone 6 3/4 pounds. Natural from all the chips.

Cigs: 9 at last count.

Today's food: Pepper
Pepper boosts collagen production, reduces inflammation.

Food today is a disaster, along with a concoction of booze. I basically share the food addiction with alcohol and cigarettes now, which means the addiction isn't gone, just doesn't make me as fat. A friend of mine took a photo of me today, I looked good in the photo! Not skinny, but strong. But I do not act as a strong person acts. Well, maybe a bit, but not entirely. I keep wondering what is holding me back. What am I so afraid of? I think when you're heavy, you can blame everything on being heavy - he doesn't like me because I am not thin, I didn't get this thing because I'm not healthy enough, blah blah. Excuses, excuses. I don't like to face the reality of things. But it really is time to start. I feel like I am untangling the knots in my head, but it is taking me a long time. I really just want to rip the band aid off, but I don't seem to be brave enough.

I never cry, maybe I am scared to start. Hmm. I really hope the dripping water at my yoga class today meant that the emotions come pouring through and I don't try to stop them anymore. That to me would be as good a blessing as anything more material.

- can of coke
- mars bar; squeeze orange juice
- omelette with onion, peppers, chilli, cheddar cheese and tomatoes
- 2 slices brown toast and butter; coffee and milk
- coffee cake with cream and cappuccino
- 10" Hawaiian pizza, 2 small pieces garlic bread, garlic dip; can of coke
- 3 x 500ml Staropramen; bottle of rose wine

3. Are you any closer to reaching your goals?
I know I won't be drinking till at least next Friday, but I have to find something to impede that desire to ruin a perfectly good week by weekend excess. A weekend at home with my parents would mean no smoking/drinking, so I might have to do that next week. I really am sick of smoking, I can see all the fine lines it's caused, nothing too bad (nothing that is forcing me to stop), but I know I would look and feel so much better without them. I guess I just don't want to be an addict of anything anymore. I just want that hole inside of me to fill up. It's a struggle.

 

[Llama]

I think when you're heavy, you can blame everything on being heavy - he doesn't like me because I am not thin, I didn't get this thing because I'm not healthy enough, blah blah.

I think that´s one of the reasons most successful dieters end up regaining the weight (and why people who get weight loss surgery end up being alcoholics more often than "regular" people). Being aware of the problem and working on it is a good start!

I feel like I am untangling the knots in my head, but it is taking me a long time. I really just want to rip the band aid off, but I don't seem to be brave enough.

Knots aren´t band-aids. Tugging on them willy-nilly will only make them harder to untie. Some things take time.

I guess I just don't want to be an addict of anything anymore. I just want that hole inside of me to fill up. It's a struggle.

Sure is, but you can do it!

 

[Sunflower_]

I know how you feel my lovely - agree with LaMa - untangling knots is far better than pulling on them like bandaids..give yourself time. Be kind to yourself xx