Emily Rose: The Reboot

I don't mind interacting with new people, it's the only way to make new friends!

So, I went to my first surf lesson. I really enjoyed it. We didn't stand on the boards, we were just learning to balance our bodies on them first and paddleboarding in. It was so much fun.

The not-so-fun part: wetsuit ordeal. I arrived late and one of the instructor's looked at me trying to figure out what size wetsuit I'd need, and he said to the other instructor, 'I think she needs a 16.' How awful. I thought I looked like a 14 at least.

They gave me a wetsuit anyway and putting it on was traumatic. I had to wrestle with it and then get the (cute) instructor guy to zip me in because I just wasn't able to do it myself. I could barely breathe in it, I was so hot and uncomfortable. And my belly looked ginormous. I guess the 10 pounds or so I've gained in the last year have really taken hold, I didn't think they made that much of a difference, but wearing that yoke made me realise how far I have left to go. And I used to be 30 pounds heavier!!

Anyway, it's not going to stop me from going back, far from it, but it's given me a bit of a wake up call in regards to how healthy I am. I haven't been to a gym class in ages, I think they make a big difference to my form, even if my weight is the same. So it's back to the gym I go and then I really just have to go off the sugar.

Other than that, I would highly recommend surfing. I am the biggest scaredy-cat going, and I really got into it.
 
It does sound like fun Em. Sometimes we need a wake-up call, but hopefully, just a gentle one that doesn't throw us into a negative tailspin. Going off the sugar & heading back to the gym will have you moving in the right direction.
 
I can't sleep. One of the recommendations they make when you can't sleep is to get all of the thoughts out of your head by writing them down on paper, so I will use this forum as a handy stand-in for the notepad.

I had a work night out on Friday. I didn't really enjoy it too much. It was a night out for two girls that were leaving and I think one of them had a problem with me. I don't know why, I think she thought I was talking down to her a lot or something. I made her feel insecure. She also seemed to take it personally when I brought in a healthy salad for lunch, she would always comment on it. I don't know, she kind of avoided talking to me for the evening, which was a bit hurtful. I guess she's gone now and I don't have to worry or care about her again. I guess the troubling part is when you actually do like someone and try to get on with them, but for whatever reason, you are just not their cup of tea. I just have to accept that.

I had a really lovely night out on Saturday with a different group I know from meetup. We had so much fun. We had a picnic pizza party in the upstairs of the pub we were in, we danced loads, had sambuca shots, and it was just really lighthearted and good fun, a perfect antidote to the dull night out on Friday. I got chatted up by a silage farmer and a married man, go team. But it was a fun night and there was the most terrific lightning storm afterwards, it was stunning.

Friday night was also quite shit because most of the girls went home and the other girl that was left was being chatted up and was kind of mean to me and acted like I was cramping her style and I could tell she wanted me to just go away. I think she felt kind of bad about it because she texted me Saturday morning, but I'm a bit miffed. I ended up wandering around by myself, bumped into old work colleagues, and one of them made a really mean comment to me, and the night ended on a total downer.

Anyway, slept the two nights off today, didn't get up till half one, I needed the rest. But of course it's now 12 hours later and I can't sleep. Hopefully the emptying my mind thing works.
 
We're having really nice weather here at the moment so I went out today and went for a run/walk for over an hour, delighted with myself. I've really been slacking off lately, which I know I shouldn't, because I feel so much more relaxed and happy in myself when I get moving. I went to some kind of body scan thing years ago, energy healing or something like that, when I was a lot more depressed and fat, and the girl who gave the treatment told me it was very important for me to 'move the energy around'. I think stress in your mind really permeates through to the body, and when you go for a run or whatever your thing is, you get rid of a lot of it.

Anyway. Have work and yoga reception tomorrow and I have my lunch and dinner prepared for that, which is great. I had a fish cake and salad for dinner, very nice on a summer's evening. I'm waiting for a phone call from my mum now who wants to hear all about the wedding I attended at the weekend. I enjoyed it for the most part, but I find they make me overly emotional and I don't know if they do anything for my confidence. This one didn't anyway. But anyway, it's over with now and I survived.

My friend who got married told me I was 'frittering away my time when I should be looking for a husband'. That stung a bit.
 
I don't like weddings & I'm happily married.
:iagree: with LaMa. You need better & kinder friends, Em xo
 
Yeah, it's like all the stuff at the weekend is kind of hitting home now. It just shows a complete lack of respect for me. So all I can do have more respect for myself, something I am struggling with of course, but my time isn't up yet.

I have decided to look for a job abroad at the end of the summer. The pond has become so small here, I feel like I'm drowning. I just want to be my own person and people here are too settled and living life only one way. I need space and freedom and adventure. It's becoming very routine. Just the idea of packing up my bag and moving somewhere unknown and figuring all out stuff out makes me feel excited in a way that I'm just not right now. So we'll see. It's something to dream about anyway and start planning for.
 
Hi! I’m just reading your journal for the first time. I really love your idea for your six month goals. I wish you so much luck!

Finding a job abroad sounds very exciting. I moved internationally several years ago and ended up settling down in the new country, and it’s been one of the best choices in my life. Do you know where you might like to go? And what kind of job? Just curious!
 
Hey Springflower, thanks for dropping by. I guess maybe it's time for me to pick up the 6 month challenge again. Have been in a rut lately and feel so unmotivated and down on myself. Action needs to be taken.

I'm thinking of moving to London and trying to get a job in marketing/copywriting, something like that. I'm actually going to apply for a new job where I am based currently later on, as I think it would be a stepping stone to a better job in London. If I get this other job, maybe I won't want to make a move. We'll see.

Going for a swim soon, been in bed for most of the day, hungover and really bunged up with hay fever. Feeling a bit better now though and the swim should sort me out.

Going to knock the alcohol on the head for a while, really seeing the effects on my skin, it's not a nice feeling. Also, it's such a bad idea for me to go drinking when I don't feel good about myself. So yeah, no alcohol for the next couple of weeks.
 
Going for a swim sounds like a good idea Emily. Drinking heavily will cloud your judgement on many fronts. Getting to the bottom of the reason for your ups & downs would be a good plan. Have you seen a counsellor? I wish I had done so much earlier. It would have saved years of angst. Take care of yourself & be kind to yourself. Taking a break from alcohol will help xo
 
Hi Cate. I went to see one once after I had a major panic attack about where my life was headed and I didn't find it that useful to be honest, but I was glad I went all the same. I know exactly where I'm going wrong, what my issues are, and why. I'm just not ready to face the hard graft of overcoming them quite yet. And that's my choice.

I was thinking today about giving back a little bit more. I think when you are unhappy, you don't want to really feel part of a community. You only see yourself as an individual, one, and you only have energy for yourself. But I'm thinking about pushing all worries aside and trying to do a few small projects this summer to get me back into the community and feel like I'm helping others in some small way. I'm going to write some ideas down below, if you have any more suggestions of cool stuff you have done (NOT volunteering at a golf club, I know how that one turns out, haha), let me know.

- There's this beautiful walk near a castle where I live. I went for a run/walk there last week, it was so peaceful and lovely and I really enjoyed it. Anyway, they had a sign up that they do a clean-up of the pathway there about once a month. That would be a nice thing to do, even once.

- Cook dinner for my parents. I go home and they are basically my slaves, so it would be nice to treat them to a dinner some evening and let them put their feet up. They are always looking for new dinner ideas as well, so I might get out one of the cookbooks I have upstairs and try to make something slightly experimental but tasty.

- Play tennis with my dad. This doesn't really seem like a difficult one but I know he really enjoys spending that time with me and I really miss tennis.

- At the end of the summer, maybe have a dinner party for friends. I have a really big living space that is perfect for crowds and I have never given a dinner party, so it could be a nice treat for everyone. Of course, in my mind, this is an absolutely massive undertaking - will the soup be blue? Probably. Haha, but I think it would be cool. Any ideas for what I could cook? I have my starter already. Melon balls and grapes in an orange and lemon jus. Simple but effective. The main on the other hand...

- Give blood again.

There's probably other volunteer stuff as well in the local community, but all those things could be a start.

In other news, work today was really enjoyable. I have applied for another job but I haven't heard anything back yet, which I'm a bit surprised by. Maybe my cover letter was too pushy, I'm not sure. It was just too good a job description to ignore. Anyway, I don't have to go anywhere, but sometimes it's good to test the waters. Still have a move to London in the back of my mind. Not till next year though cos I have fun stuff coming up here in the next year and I don't want to miss out on it.
 
Whatever you decide to cook, make sure you can prepare most of it ahead of time. Stuff you only have to push into the oven/pull out of the fridge. Especially if it´s your first dinner party. Otherwise you´ll be freaking out over getting everything ready while you´d really be wanting to enjoy your guests.
 
Good advice as always.

So, new potential on the scene, he likes me, I know it, probably because I am only half-interested, as the cliche of men liking the chase is certainly true. Should I take a chance and see how it goes? I really like him as a person, I just don't think I'm really attracted to him, but we have loads in common. Asking for a friend. ;)
 
Perhaps liking him as a friend might be a better basis for a relationship. The attraction may just happen. Being attracted to someone's soul is a lot more sustainable.
 
I actually met him last night, he gave me a hug when I was leaving, it was really sweet. I miss hugs. Maybe it's actually me who likes him!?

Anyway, had fantastic day in work yesterday and a lovely evening out. The world could be my oyster if I allowed it to be. I am the Queen of Self-Sabotage. It's an absolute syndrome with me. I can't allow myself to let go and be happy for one second.

I think a massive fear of mine is settling down and not doing anything different or interesting or challenging with my life. The ironic part is that I haven't settled down and my life is as banal as if I had. Why am I so afraid? What am I afraid of? When I am going to make serious progress?

Things are looking up in work, I think a promotion is on the cards, got lots of praise from our office manager on Friday and she really wants me to stay with them. She's actually a really cool girl, I think we could be really good friends. Maybe we almost are.

I also am involved with an acting group, but I have to say, the way they act is a mirror as to how I act, and I don't like what I see. For example, we went to an outdoor play last night and they brought cans in and were drinking and smoking during the performance, and I had a thought to myself that maybe in your early 20s, this would be okay, but it's a little bit sad when you are in your 30s and so unbelievably disrespectful when we are all actors ourselves. Also, one of the guys in the group is such an egotistical nightmare, I can't cope with him, and he has so much power in the group. (I know people have drinks when you go to a show in the theatre but no one else in the audience was drinking and especially not smoking(!) and I felt embarrassed.)

Anyway, that's the latest edited version of my life, things are pretty good overall. Oh yeah, weight. Around 12 stone, not tragic, but not where I want to be either.
 
"I actually met him last night, he gave me a hug when I was leaving, it was really sweet. I miss hugs. Maybe it's actually me who likes him!?"
Maybe you both like one another. What a good thing & who knows what might happen? The bells & whistles aren't necessarily there right from the start Em.
Perhaps you are also getting to the stage where you might start enjoying what you have that is good & will start enjoying your life even more xo
 
Hi Cate. To be honest, I don't think I like him really, I'm just very lonely. He's a nice guy but I don't think about him when he's not there or try to orchestrate ways to see him again, which I easily could. And I don't want to be with someone I don't really fancy. That's the end of that.

I'm not really sure what to talk about tonight. I've just finished Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine, a debut novel by a woman called Gail Honeyman. God, it was a tough read. It's about a very lonely 30-year-old woman who is socially awkward, has no support network, and is basically just treading water to get by. I don't feel like my experience is the same, not by a long shot, but there were some things in there that got my head spinning, and even when I was describing the book to a close friend, he said, 'Oh God, this sounds like it will get under your skin'. Which is a good indicator of how well he knows me, haha.

I went to a removal last night and I met a girl who I last saw when she was about 12 and I was probably 4 or 5. I still remembered her, isn't that amazing? I remember thinking she had lovely, long, straight black hair, and now it's really grey and curly, and she's 40 years old, with 3 kids. I think she was half-babysitting me in those days. What amazes me is that she really hadn't changed, I could recognise that she was the same lovely girl I met all those years ago. You get a good vibe from someone and it stays with you, even as a little kid. That can't be explained by logic or facts and I love it.

Her mum was there too, she's 70 now, what an inspiration. She was kind of dressed in a bohemian style, and she looked really amazing for her age, and she was telling me and my dad that she has a great life, she's on the go the whole time. She said that she got lucky, she married a great man and they're still very happy, and her daughter has always been a homebird and wanted to spend time with her, and she's got everything you could want. She was cool.

I also met my godson, he's so tall and gangly, he's about 17, and he's turned out so well! What a lovely young man. And his parents (my aunt and uncle-in-law) are absolutely bananas, and he is so different. He's going to have a great future, I just know it. I can't understand how serene he is, surrounded by that mad energy, haha.

It is very strange to meet people you haven't met since you were a child, and everyone's older, and you're at the funeral of a 94-year-old woman (a fantastic woman, loved her), and death and the fragility of life has never been so apparent. I guess I am in the middle of life, or nearly anyway. I'm not in the bloom of youth anymore. At the tail end. And that's okay, but it's a little bit frightening too. I probably haven't made the most of being young, so I guess I have to decide what I'm going to do to make the next few years count!!!
 
I'm just wondering if there is some way to take back the power. I am sitting on my couch now convincing myself to get into an absolute rage for very real reasons I won't get into, and I'm just wondering how to stop exceptionally irritating external stimuli affect me so much? I have every right to be here, in my own room, sitting on my own couch, watching the World Cup like a normal person. I am so sick of these assholes who want me out of their circle. I actually thought it was my problem all the time, but maybe it's their problem. Maybe I should just kick them out. Tempting.

Food has been better, work going well, went to yoga yesterday, very upset with friends again, upset with housemates, wondering how I can stop getting upset. Rise above it all. Just be me and really not care. Be present and not reactive.

I am not going to let my living situation get me down anymore and I'm not going to allow myself to hole up in my room anymore. Fuck that.
 
Well, after my rant the last day, everything settled down, had a lovely evening with housemate no. 1 and ended up chatting with housemate no. 2 for a while today, and it's all good.

Had really annoying phone call when I got home from work yesterday about work, which got me into an absolute rage, but it was all resolved today. Even at the time, I knew it wasn't worth getting worked up over, I knew it was a stupid, small, silly thing, and yet it took over my mind for a few hours. At least I'm acknowledging the fact that I get worked up over nothing all the time. Did I even notice before? I don't know.

I was thinking of the last yoga class I went to, and the teacher told us to 'use the breath to soothe the system', so I did apply that practice to try to clear my head.

The thing is that having an overactive mind can work fantastically well in a learning/work environment. I've been having really great weeks in work the last while, I'm on top of things, my mind is stimulated, I'm busy, I like the people I'm with, and I'm really enjoying myself. The annoying thing is that I can't make it stop when I need to. That overly-analytical, detail-oriented brain picks apart human interaction in the same way that it picks apart a spreadsheet. Every nuance is captured and examined. It's a nightmare.

If I don't stop, I really will burn myself out. I've had a very lonely few weeks, but in a way, I need them. When I have too much social interaction, I get completely depressed because I have used up so much energy. At the same time, I really like being around people, but if things aren't going my way, I can't cope and it's like a light switch being turned off. I have to sleep and recuperate.

I think a lot of people are like that, my housemate certainly is, very ''on'' and present when with friends, but wilts when he has some time to himself and doesn't want to see anyone. We're actually quite alike in some regards, he's just not quite as self-destructive as I am.

Anyway, I guess I'm trying to figure out how to get out of this mode of living. I guess I just want to find someone who is on my level and understands all that. Am completely out of sync with the friend group, it might be time to cut the cord on that one. I'm really sick of feeling like this. It's no one's fault. There's a poster up where I work, 'Your vibe is your tribe.' Maybe time to get a new tribe. Or vibe. Whichever comes first.
 
6 Month Challenge version 2.0
Back to the drawing board.

Food:
- Breakfast: porridge, chia seeds, raisins, cinnamon and milk
- Snack: americano and milk; orange
- Lunch: 1 slice sourdough bread with butter; 50g smoked salmon, scrambled eggs, half an avocado and pea shoot salad
- Snack: apple
- Dinner: beef medallion, baby potatoes, tender-stem broccoli, sugar snap peas
- Extras: dark chocolate peanut butter bar; 2 caramel squares; 2 choc chip brioche buns

Exercise:
- 36 laps in the pool

Cigarettes: 8

Notes:
Got really hungry after my swim and started eating all the chocolaty things. Still, really happy with how the rest of the day went. I'm going to weigh in tomorrow.
 
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