Emily Rose: The Reboot

Thanks LaMa.

I have to tidy my room so I'm here procrastinating instead. Had a really good rest last night and took a power nap this afternoon as well. I'm cooking some pasta for my lunch tomorrow but my room is so untidy that I stood on my lunch box that was hiding under a pile of clothes and broke it. So annoying! I think I have another one but I don't know where.

Feeling a little bit of the Sunday evening dread creeping in, boo. It's a nice enough evening here all the same. I have a busy week ahead, feeling kind of restless. I'm kind of waiting for or expecting something exciting to happen and it doesn't seem likely! Ah well, next weekend should be good. Have a night away with friends, let's see what a change in location brings.
 
I find Sunday evenings hard too. Just the feeling that every place is closed and i can't go any where. Next weekend sounds like fun tho! Hugs, Jane.
 
Thanks Jane. It's nearly Friday, had a very busy but productive week in work, feeling good in general. Have done some form of exercise every day for the last 2 weeks, it's really kept my mood up and I'm feeling very centred in myself. It's a strange feeling. A good one though!
 
I got some interesting food for thought today. I've talked on here before that I thought I was kind of repressing my real personality for years, acting meek and super-nice to try to win people over, which only works up to a certain point. Anyway, maybe there's a part of me that's really angry about that, as today I realised I'm kind of veering towards being overly-aggressive at times.

Ah balance, why do you elude me?

Anyway, there were a few small things today that have given me pause, so I'm going to work on toning it down a bit. I don't want to lose the kinder, more caring side of my personality, that would be awful.

Other than that, all going well.
 
Hi guys, it's been a while. Life is pretty good.

Just back from hanging out with the girls from work for a while this evening, I think I like them a bit more every week. I have a meeting about potentially changing jobs next week though, I'm not sure what to do. I think I will go for the meeting anyway and see what comes of it. I don't have to decide anything right away.

Spring is finally here and I'm enjoying the long evenings. I'm at a bit of a loose end tonight so I might call out home for a while. I'm in the yoga place tomorrow night, it's going really well. Yoga man said hi to me every time he walked past the desk yesterday and then he laughed and said, 'I don't know why I keep saying hi to you', and my little heart was ready to burst into song. Haha, it's the little things.

I am loving the swimming and will be keeping that up throughout the summer. I'm also looking forward to becoming a surf dude with attitude.

Food is still a bit of a struggle if I'm honest, but as someone said to me recently, you've just got to keep on keepin' on. That's the plan.

 
Good to hear you so happy Em :) Little things are important & small pleasures add up. I can just see you surfing!
 
Thanks Cate.

Having a really lazy day today, it's been a mad couple of weeks. Made myself some filtered coffee and porridge for breakfast. I'm watching Le Chalet on Netflix, this French whodunnit-style series, it's fab. The characters are trapped in a remote village and are getting picked off one by one. It's really intriguing.

Not going to do any exercise today, back swimming tomorrow. Also got paid today so have made out a strict budget and will go grocery shopping tomorrow for my weekly meals. Feeling good.
 
Ugh.

I haven't had anything to moan about in a while, so it's been quiet here. Well, I'm baaaa-acccck!

So, I have a bit of beef with the Universe, the Powers That Be, God, energy and matter, the cosmos, the Giant Spaghetti Monster, whatever the fuck.

Today the exact opposite of what I thought/wished/imagined would happen happened. I won't get into specifics, it really doesn't matter what it is, but it was a right kick in the teeth, it has to be said. Like, what is the lesson I am meant to learn here? What is the Universe trying to tell me? Why doesn't it ever want to tell me good stuff? It's always a lesson where I am horribly disappointed and yet again, I have to pick myself up off the floor where I just want to wallow, dust myself off, and try again.

Sometimes I believe in things like the Law of Attraction, and today when the Law of Attraction went so completely arseways, but so completely on the nose as a lesson of some kind, I don't know what to think. Why I am attracting the same type of people and the same bullshit over and over and WHY CAN'T I ESCAPE THIS PATTERN? How do people do it? I just don't know.

Anyway, I have only 1 more day of work to deal with this week and will have a nice break. Besides the melodrama of above, I actually haven't been feeling very well the last few weeks, all my energy has evaporated, and a lot of my drive as well. So I have to figure out ways to get it back so that the latest pattern doesn't repeat itself in another month.

Very fed up. Fuck you Giant Spaghetti Monster. And your little dog too.
 
I will resume the 3 questions on my next entry. I think I've got sidetracked a lot from my 3 goals. Shallow goals maybe, but goals all the same.

I've decided against trying to look for a new job. Reasons: I like the team; the hours are really flexible and short; I have stress in the job, but that is because I take it on myself. I actually don't have any responsibilities really and if I fuck up, I can throw back at them that I actually am not getting paid to take on any shit. At the end of the day, I go in, I do a really great job, and that's it. It's actually been a very easy month for me overall, I'm back on top of things, and I know that I am on the fucking ball. I realised that today and that made me want to stay until after the summer.

To be honest, you can only have 1 goal at a time. The initial challenge should have been finding a job, which I did, in an industry that I think I will ultimately thrive in and make a decent living from.

My health is a very big cause of concern right now. I am doing everything in my power to make it as poor as can be. That's so interesting to me, my investment in making myself ill. I went to yoga during the week with the hot yoga guy to try to boost my spirits because I've been so out of sorts, and I felt so unbelievably ill during his class. I'm just overdoing the self-hatred and addiction right now. I don't even feel self-hatred really, I feel like my core is so much stronger than it was 5 years ago, but habits die hard, and these bad habits of excessive everything need to stop.

I want to grow up. No, I don't believe in losing a childlike sense of wonder and having dreams and ambitions or cordoning yourself away from experiences because you're an ''adult'' now - fuck that - that's all social conditioning. But I do think I'm at the point where I am ready to break through to a further stage, both mentally and physically, and I need to start that breakthrough process now.
 
Ok - the general plan for today:

- Say goodbye to cigarettes. We've had our fun but I am done.
- General clean-up of house and my room. That stairs won't hoover itself.
- Go for a swim. I haven't gone for a swim in over a week, I miss it.
- Be nice to myself in my thoughts and actions.
- Go for a nice coffee somewhere and read some more of my book.

A friend contacted me last night. There's a run we've gone to together for the last few years and she asked if I would be interested. I have not gone running in a while, I'm in fairly bad nick, but we're going on a little training run on Thursday and then the main event is Sunday. It will be nice to spend time with her, I miss her a lot.

That's it for now, not going to worry too much about food. I got this daily budget app, it's fucking amazing as it really shows how much money I fritter away day-to-day (mostly on food). I'm trying to get out of debt by the end of August and it will really help with that.
 
Getting out of debt is never a bad idea (unless you're a big company, I guess) and neither is a life without tobacco. Best of luck!
 
This may sound crazy but.....I use to eat a tone of crap and ride around in my patrol vehicle looking for a violation that required me to stay inside of my car. "yes" I was a Police Officer for 14 years. I was so ashamed and embarrassed! I had such a hard time passing test and keeping up with other female Police Officers.....I went to a typical loud music call, nothing serious just a kids birthday party. When I spoke to the home owner at the residence, She looked at me and started laughing before I could say a word. I kindly waited until she was good and done and asked her what was so funny. She looked at me and said " You don't S**T do you" I didn't know what to say because I was so mad at her. Seeing that I was Upset she quickly explained what she really meant to say........The lady told me that it's important to put healthy foods in your body, But if you really want to slim down and improve your health you have to ELIMINATE !! if you catch my drift. I started my journey based on what she said and it has worked for several years......This may help or it may not, I sure hope so though.
 
Thanks for the comments guys.

I came home from town today (I headed in after work - it was beautiful, the sun was blinding) and I felt completely drained of energy. Uh oh, I thought. I couldn't understand why I was feeling so tired. Then I realised - oh no, I'm getting sick. I was the last to leave the office yesterday and I left the window open. I was first in again this morning at 8am and it was really cold in there. We put on the heating a while later, but that cold must have set in, because I can feel my immune system trying to ward off getting sick, thus draining me of all energy. So I'm in bed early now resting and hopefully a good night's sleep will put a stop to that.

Very unmotivated at the moment, I have a wedding to go to in 3 weeks, so I guess it's time to start panicking about that now! Haha, when will there be an occasion that I am actually excited about and not worrying about clothing/how I look/my life choices etc.? Please let that day be soon.
 
I hope the extra sleep helps.
Emilyrose said:
Haha, when will there be an occasion that I am actually excited about and not worrying about clothing/how I look/my life choices etc.?
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Not to be rude, but: probably when you´ve worked on your self-esteem for a while. Judging from tabloids even models worry about that shit so why should people who have a day job instead of working on their bodies full-time feel comfortable with the expectations put upon us? Feeling good about our bodies isn´t all about our bodies.
 
I'm sure there are plenty of people with day jobs that absolutely love going shopping for new clothes when they have a wedding to go to and are genuinely excited about attending and catching up with friends. That's what I meant.
 
Glad to hear it; that sounds much more positive than my interpretation. I can´t stand weddings no matter how I look and what I wear, simply because they mean I have to interact with lots of people, most of whom I don´t know.
 
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