Emily Rose: The Reboot

Hi LaMa, of course I would never do that! I wasn't really talking about the reasons people are overweight, I know all about it! I was just trying to make a point about when people are trying to lose weight (when they are ready), I think starting really small and going from there is a good way to do it, and it's how I went from being obese myself to just within a healthy weight range. Anyway, enough about that.

I went to a box and core class this morning, it's the first proper exercise I've done in three weeks, thrilled to be back! I came home, had a shower, and I've just made some buckwheat blueberry and banana pancakes. I got the recipe from the Little Green Spoon, they turned out lovely!

I'm really enjoying my Saturday so far, I really feel like I'm on holiday. I'm going to watch the rugby in a bit and come home afterwards and make some cod with a mixed chilli later, should be good. Very stuffed from the pancakes right now, I had to give up on them, so I'll have the rest in the morning.

I also bought a really nice Starbucks coffee and made it in the cafetière. Nothing says a relaxed weekend like coffee. Bliss.

I have a family occasion tomorrow, normally I try to avoid them, but I'm going to make more of an effort. It will be nice to see everyone.

Right, going to read for a bit, then don some green and head into town. Happy St. Patrick's Day friends!
 
So... I've had a bit of a setback. Setbacks happen, they are opportunities to grow, as I've read, but what I've realised is that even if I didn't have an online resource to turn to, I have fantastic support from my parents, who have earned all the knowledge they've gained the hard way. I went home last night for dinner, my cousin was there too for a while, but we had the best chat. My dad was in flying form, we were in tears laughing.

I'm in a tenuous position in work - on one hand, I really like the hours, closeness to home, my tasks aren't hard, I find it interesting most of the time, I like the team (but that could be in question). On the other hand, I've been led down the garden path for the last few months in terms of moving up, getting more money, all that job stuff. I'm an ''administrator'' at the moment, but have to do the admin stuff + budgets + reporting + stock + a load more stuff on the side, and I'm the only person in the company that knows how to do my job. Everyone else on the team has some sort of support and they are all on a higher level than I am. So I do it all by myself.

I had a meeting with my manager yesterday and she made out that I am not showing enough of how I can grow the business, I am not at a high enough level yet, I could not pull her the reports she needs, blah blah blah, and yet, I know I am doing a stellar job. I am not perfect whatsoever, get way too stressed about things, am still trying to keep up with the pace needed, don't have a marketing degree, all that stuff, but at the same time, no one has to be perfect, and I know I have created a certain safety net for the area I am working in that if dropped, will be noticed immediately, as my solid work contributes to a good percentage of the business.

I also feel like she has informants in the office who are constantly commenting on my behaviour, which makes me feel unbelievably paranoid. I thought there were people I could trust in there, but there isn't. It's sad really. (I read that back and it sounds like I'm losing it, but from the things she said to me, there has to be someone talking to her.)

The vibe in the office today was terrible, maybe because I have really lost any trust in the people around me. I feel angry and annoyed and I also feel there's an element of jealousy there. I am very bright and I pick up things quickly and this is something I've only realised is such an asset in the last few years. I didn't realise that I had it so easy.

So what do I do next? Coast by and do the bare minimum? Rise above it all and prove how fantastic I am at my job? But really, why should I give more energy into something with little to no return? It's a conundrum.

I have too much going on outside of work right now to think about looking for another job, but I think I probably should this summer. Maybe I need to move country at this point. Let's see.
 
Thanks LaMa. I had plans made tonight but I feel like my hips have expanded so I'm going to the gym instead. I'm actually calling to a friend afterwards which I wouldn't have been able to do if I'd gone with the original schedule, so choosing the gym instead has worked out better I think. Dreading it but the nice shower afterwards will be my reward.

I am going to a gig tomorrow night, going to blow off a bit of steam, and then I'm really going to have to make a serious food and exercise plan for the week and stick to it. I am wearing the same dress today that I wore on Sunday, and I am not lying when I say that it is not fitting me as well now as it was then.

The last thing I want is to get fat again. I think exuding health and confidence is the best way to feel better about this whole situation.

I have this song in my head, going to try to follow Florence's advice. I really relate to the lyrics.

I've been a fool and I have been blind
I can never leave the past behind

And hopefully
It's always darkest before the dawn
rings true.

 
Emilyrose said:
The last thing I want is to get fat again. I think exuding health and confidence is the best way to feel better about this whole situation.
Click to expand...
You won't Em. You have come too far for that. Life is full of ups & downs & you'll get through this xo
 
Thank you Cate. I actually woke up this morning to very exciting news on an unrelated note, so the dawn has dawned! :D
 
Had a great night out last night, feel so much better about everything. A girl I work with was out with me and from talking to her, I realised how much I'm wrapped up in my own troubles when I have no idea what other people are going through. So yeah, it put it all into perspective for me and I know next week will be a lot better.

My stomach unfortunately is under severe duress from my period which happens a lot. I've read up about it and there's not a whole lot I can do. It just means a lot of toilet time this morning. Bet you're glad you're reading this, haha.

So, there's a really nice barman who works in my local pub. Around my age, very approachable and friendly and nice-looking. We went to the pub he works in last night, we had a little chat about 'the snow', main topic here for a few weeks, and then he ended up in the same late bar I was in. Anyway, I'm going to find out if he's single and if he is, I might ask him out. Why not?

I've kind of been avoiding yoga for a while because I feel so out of shape. The last time I worked in the yoga place, Yoga Man finished his class and came back into the reception area. I wasn't where I usually sit so I saw him come in and then look at my empty seat trying to figure out where I was so he could say goodnight. God, he's attractive. If I got to where I want to be in body and mind, I would 100% try to pursue something with him, but right now, we would not be equals. I know that sounds wrong but it's the truth. And maybe he wouldn't care but I do. I couldn't be with someone so healthy and kind and with everything going for him when I am not feeling the same way. Not that I know he likes me or anything, it's really just an example of why I'm by myself and why I haven't been actively doing anything to change that. I think asking out Nice Barman would be a start.
 
Pretty sure that's not The Truth but your subjective opinion. Which you are more than allowed to have, of course, but remember every hot (or not) guy has an opinion of his own and that may just as well be different. Imagine a world in which people only pursued romantic interactions when both sides happened to have the same exact subjective opinion of both themselves and the other person at the very same time. Pretty sure we'd die out. I just realized I'm telling this to myself as much as to you, by the way :D
 
I SO agree with what LaMa said Em!! The human species would have died out by now if that "principle" had been applied.
You possibly won't ever be what you think is perfect Em. No-one is perfect. If you give yourself a chance to love & be loved you never know what the universe might throw at you :beating:
 
Haha, you're both right. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

My energy has been very low this weekend because my periods are super-heavy now, it's slightly worrying. They're also going on for 7 days, it used to be 4-5. Should prob get that checked out.

Have my shopping done for the week, cooked a really healthy butter bean chilli earlier and feel pretty good again.

There is a gig on tonight that I'd like to go to but it's too risky as I have so much going on at the moment. The next few weeks are going to be bananas.

I signed up for surfing lessons in May, every Monday evening for four weeks, so exciting. The guy I was talking to on the phone today said it's amazing fun and that you surf until sunset so it's really beautiful. It's something I've always wanted to try but body worries held me back. Not anymore! Very exciting.

That's it for now, my room is in an absolute mess so might try to get that cleaned up. Start the week off with a nice tidy space.
 
I used to have periods like that - but then again I never had the lighter kind so maybe for me they were indeed normal. Get it checked out. It sucks.
Surfing lessons sounds like great fun!
 
Get it checked out for sure. It could be easily fixed. You just don't know, unless you have it checked out xo
Surfing lessons? Wow :)
 
I really hate spammers. Fuck off.

Thanks Cate and LaMa, I am really looking forward to the surfing. I think it's from watching all those episodes of Home and Away when I was growing up. (I think Cate will get the reference. ;).)

Hi Jane, thanks for the comment, no, I never saw it, but it was on recently on Gogglebox, which is basically a show where you watch people watching TV and it looks fun but very ridiculous. I might have to watch it now!

Went for a really good boxercise class tonight, there was a very handsome man in the class who I was trying to impress, so I worked extra hard. I'm not sure he even glanced in my direction. Haha, I am so ridiculous. :D

Was in great form all day in work, then had a minor tiff with a girl in the office, agh! Why do I let people push my buttons? I'm really going to have to remember to count to ten the next time. She does this thing where she pretends she doesn't understand what I'm saying to her to try to make me look stupid in this really condescending tone. She hasn't done it in ages, but she tried that shit again today, and it reminded me of the other times she'd done it that I'd forgotten about it, and I got a bit snippy, which is exactly the reaction she wants out of me. Fuck sake. Anyway, tomorrow is a new day.

I'm watching Love on Netflix at the moment, it is so good!!

Food today was pretty good, I have lots of reasons to stay on track at the moment, so I'm keeping them at the forefront of my mind when I consider what to eat for each meal. I still really love sweet things though, I would eat four bars of chocolate a day if I could. I had a brownie today. I feel it's okay though because I did burn a lot of calories in the gym. Still, I need to be able to get through the day without a treat.
 
Do you report spam when you see it Em? We all hate spammers & there's lots of it. Most of it doesn't get through, but if it does, if you report it, it gets removed quickly.
I got the Home & Away reference, even though I have never watched any more than 5 minutes of it ;)
 
Oh yeah, I reported them, I just felt they deserved some abuse as well.

Right. I have all of my stuff for April booked in. The dentist, car service, hair and wax. Very pleased with that. I like having my month planned out. I make so many plans, particularly when it comes to exercise, and sometimes I am like a machine and do everything on the schedule, and sometimes I go back to being a human and I don't manage any of it.

I went to the gym 3 times last week after a 3-week absence, and in the class last night, I could really feel how much it had boosted me back up. It was a great feeling, a comforting feeling. I'm meant to go tonight but I'm just not feeling it. I'm not going to give myself a hard time over it though. It is what it is. I don't really have time to go tomorrow, but I should be back for Thursday and Friday.

Today was a fairly good day in work, nothing major, which means it was good. The anger from last week has mostly subsided. I'm trying to mentally check out in some ways. I just don't care about 'getting on' in there anymore. I am trying to keep thinking positively and imagine a bright future before me that this job is leading to, maybe in unexpected ways.

I don't have much to do for the evening, not even going to cook dinner. I'll probably just grab a sandwich in the shop in a while. I had a healthy lunch, breakfast and snacks though, so that's good. Breakfast was oat bran, blueberries and almond milk, snacks were a large handful of cashews, an apple and some greek yoghurt, and lunch was tuna salad with avocado, cucumber, courgette, tomatoes, peppers and celery with 2 slices of brown bread and butter. 3 coffees and milk, 1 detox tea.

I'm going to be honest, I'm feeling a bit down. Nothing's wrong, actually, everything outside of myself is going fine. I'm just sad today. It's worse when you don't really know why. I guess I'm just thinking about how much energy I've given into being a maniac when it comes to food, an addict you might say, and that makes me sad. But then, it just keeps the cycle continuing for longer to feel sad about it now, when I have such a chance to change. But yeah, it's still there.
 
Congrats on getting back in the gym! I'm sorry you're feeling down. I heard a neat saying a while ago, something like, "Don't persist in making a mistake just because you've invested so much in making it." Hope you feel better soon! Hugs, Jane.
 
I think to feel sad for what feels like no reason is usual for most people. It should pass Em. Just keep on keeping on. Here are some fat bottoms, to make you smile :)
 
Thanks guys. You're both lovely.

Right. It's been a while! I feel like I've been on a high-speed train since I last posted and I've finally get a chance to get off, take a deep breath, and look around at the scenery.

I posted in One More Time's diary about how much I love the pool, so I switched gyms and joined one in town. It's amazing. Today was my 9th day there in a row. I feel great, my skin looks good, and it's helping me cope a lot better with life in general. It's been a great discovery for me.

Work is still hard, so I've set up a meeting with a recruitment agency for the start of May. I just think the place is not the right fit for me. I had yet another argument this week with someone I thought was a good friend of mine in there, I'd say that's an average of about one bustup a month since I started, and it's just too draining and upsetting. At the same time, I do like a lot of things about it but it's really no harm to keep my options open at this point. I just feel like I could be getting the same salary somewhere else with a lot less stress involved.

Other than that, things are going good. I'm cooking up some cod, potatoes and mangetout for dinner, hanging out with friends old and new tomorrow and next weekend, and more or less, it's all gravy baby. Still lots more stations left on the journey, I guess that's a good thing.
 
Good to hear you're doing well.
 
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