Emily Rose: The Reboot

Thanks so much Cate and Jen.

I have probably overeaten the last few days, which is really annoying, but anyway. I'm going to weigh in again tomorrow regardless.

It was a really gorgeous evening here - perfect weather for tennis - and I got two hours in and won both my games. So I was happy with that! I'm definitely improving! I have another hour planned tomorrow, which will be great. I want to get as much prep in for this tournament as I can. It's on in probably one of the nicest clubs in x so it will be great.

I'm enjoying having some time back again. I was doing an awful lot of rushing around there for a while and it's stressful. Really happy to have the wedding and show over with and have a bit of time to smell the roses again. I do have plans for this Saturday and another event on next week, so it's not all lazy days in the garden yet, but things are a bit calmer and I'm grateful for that.

I spent a lot of my day today thinking about giving up smoking. I've realised that I'm living in a state of anxiety all the time, which is why I want to smoke all the time. Like, everything seems to trigger me. Now, I've learned a lot of coping mechanisms to deal with it and I'm functioning more or less, but it is there, constantly in the background. On reflection, I was definitely very depressed in my 20s - I have overcome that for the most part but the anxiety side of it has lingered. I mean, I would say that I have a bit of depression now, but the really thick fog has lifted considerably. I'm a lot more hopeful, I'm a lot more engaged with life and I have more energy.

I guess what I was thinking about today was how to dismantle this anxious mood. Why am I feeling like this? It's funny, I was hanging out with a friend and I was saying I'm really anxious, and he was like, 'Oh, you're not!', as in, he didn't believe me. Which I thought was interesting. Am I hiding it that well? I'm not so sure about that.

Anyway, I guess giving up smoking will exacerbate this anxious feeling even more, but if I'm feeling anxious anyway, what's a little bit more on top of it if it gives me freedom from addiction? Hmm. I guess we'll see how tomorrow pans out. I am planning a relaxing day with good food and just the hour of tennis in the evening. No putting pressure on myself, no rushing around. Let's see...
 
Hi, Em. Yay for being back into tennis & loving it. I used to smoke & did so mostly when I was nervous, stressed or anxious. I did some research & mostly it told me that smoking makes anxiety worse. Google "Does smoking exacerbate anxiety".
I'm glad things have calmed down a bit & you can relax. It's hard to get the balance right, but you seem to be getting better at it xo
 
A lot of people are surprised to find out I have an anxiety disorder--I can look pretty relaxed while really spiking...and yep, I definitely think a lot of my smoking and drinking was a way to deal with it...now I take medication for it...but yeah also working on other ways to deal with anxiety through both CBT and ACT techniques.
I'm sure your tennis is a great help...healthy eating too for me seems to help...
Anyways a big congrats on getting into the 180's! 🥳
 
- Thanks Cate. Yeah, my mind has calmed down a bit, which is great.
- Thanks Liza. Feeling like things are under control does help me, and eating well is part of that. I'm not very successful on that front at the moment but I have a healthy lunch made for tomorrow, so it's a start!

Another beautiful evening here, played tennis again and really enjoyed it. I got home around 9.45 pm and I decided to have a shower tonight, which will give me more time in the morning to cook breakfast. I am feeling lovely and relaxed and sun-drenched and cosy right now.

I haven't done a food plan in a while, so here is what I hope tomorrow will bring:
- porridge with blueberries, pumpkin seeds and milk
- apple
- lunch of tuna, avocado, lettuce, celery, peppers, beetroot sauerkraut and tomato
- natural yoghurt (I found a really good Irish brand - they are lovely)
- garlic chicken stir fry with vegetables and beans

If I eat a few sweet things in between, I'm not going to give myself too hard a time, but a day like that would mean I am getting all my vitamins and minerals in, which I really need to start being aware of. I'm not getting any younger, you know! ;) Although I think I'm holding up pretty well.

Work was a bit of a dumpster fire today but I got through it. Threw all my toys out of the pram at one stage, and that was without any wine last night, so I can't use that as an excuse. Sigh. Must try to go with the flow a bit more. A LOT more. Hahaha.

Not much else to say really. I have nothing planned for tomorrow evening, which is why I am confident that I can actually cook dinner, as I won't be rushing out anywhere. I also did a bit of a clean of the kitchen today so it's more appealing to actually use. I wish my housemates did a bit more. Just a little bit more would make a huge difference. MANIFEST!
 
Like you Em, I also have anxiety. I am also pretty sure not that many people would believe that I have an actual diagnosis for it. Anxiety doesn't manifest itself in just one way or in the way that people who don't understand what it actually is perceive it to be. That is my experience with it at least. When a person is anxious, we often want to 'self-soothe' with some kind of vice, pick one and it is probably some anxious person's go to thing! Good for you to really be thinking about this and examining why you do the things you do. In my opinion that is really the only way to get to the heart of the matter. It is good to be kind to yourself, it is not always a linear journey, most of us take a few meandering trips along the way :) For me, I need calm. I need peace, I can't do continuous rushing around, I just can't. So maybe having a bit more calm and a bit less rushing will help you too! ❤️
 
- Thanks Cate.
- Thanks Jen. It's nice to read that someone else understands. I don't let it stop me, but it does suck the enjoyment out of things at times.

Well! I had an interesting day. SG texted me - he's probably going to be moving to Lisbon soon if he gets this job he's applied for. He's also broken up with his girlfriend (or so he says). He wants to meet up again and I really need a roll around, so I agreed. It's not for a couple of weeks so a lot could change till then! But yeah, I think I need to get back on the horse, so to speak.

I also had the man I went on the date with before Christmas text me today to say he's contributing to this fundraiser we're doing. It's really nice and all, but I wonder if he's trying to find a way back in... Hmm. He's nice like, I just... He's probably a way nicer person than SG. SG just has youth on his side, haha.

I probably wouldn't be meeting SG if I hadn't lost some of the weight. I was definitely heavier the last time I met him, so that's good. I'm getting my mojo back, a bit like Austin Powers. Oh, behave! :D

No word from the one I really want to text me, but I'm taking the attitude of, 'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.' I can't sit in on my own night after night, especially not while the sun shines! I often find when you open the door for one, all the rest start to show up. Maybe this will be my Hot Girl Summer. Lol. I really am ridiculous. :p

I was in a real slump last night and then I got exciting tennis news, so things picked up again. We also had a really good laugh in work today. So things are pretty good.

Going to chill for the rest of the night, then tomorrow is town for a few errands and some fun stuff. It's meant to be blistering! Can't wait.

 
Emilyrose said:
No word from the one I really want to text me, but I'm taking the attitude of, 'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.' I can't sit in on my own night after night, especially not while the sun shines! I often find when you open the door for one, all the rest start to show up. Maybe this will be
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I love that attitude! Yes no sitting around being sad about who you can't be with. I totally agree!
You sound really good and up-nice to hear!

I'm curious how you arrange housework chores with the housemates--do you all just do whatever when you feel like or do you have a sort of chore rotation for the shared areas? I am mostly glad to live alone although sometimes i do think being in a shared house would be kind of nice, but I would be super picky about who I lived with and what that would look like...
 
- Thanks Cate. I'm trying.
- Hi Liza. No, it's random. I mentioned a cleaning rota at one point and it did not go down well. But actually, after I wrote that post, one of them did a really good clean-up of the kitchen and bathroom, so maybe it worked. MANIFEST!
- Thanks Jen. I am enjoying myself for the most part. Kinda.

I had a good weekend overall and got through Monday okay. I drank too much on Saturday but stayed in bed all morning on Sunday and managed to sleep the worst of it off. I then played tennis for 2 hours in the sunshine and sweated out the rest, so that was good. Not ideal prep for tennis, but I didn't feel too bad out there.

I went home afterwards and had a really nice roast dinner with my parents. My mum really perks up when I'm home. She's so sweet - the last few times I've been home, she's gone out onto the road and directed me out to ensure that there is no car coming when I reverse out the driveway. It's a real 'Mum' thing to do. I feel sorry for her cos she's still struggling a lot. :( She is going to see her doctor tomorrow. I am not really a big fan of this doctor, but I am praying that they have a good consultation tomorrow and she gives my mum a bit of hope. She needs some.

I have a big tennis match tomorrow, which is quite exciting. I'm playing for the club, which is cool. I guess there's a bit of pressure there, but I have done a lot of training over the last few weeks, so I feel that I am prepared at the very least. I haven't seen William in a while, so it will be nice to play with him again.

I met up with an old acquaintance tonight cos we were trying to sort out a fundraiser we have coming up, and he gave me a really warm hug and a kiss - it was very sweet. Sometimes a hug and a kiss are badly needed! :D

That's all the news really, more tomorrow I guess. I hope I bring good tennis tidings.
 
Emilyrose said:
I went home afterwards and had a really nice roast dinner with my parents. My mum really perks up when I'm home. She's so sweet - the last few times I've been home, she's gone out onto the road and directed me out to ensure that there is no car coming when I reverse out the driveway. It's a real 'Mum' thing to do. I feel sorry for her cos she's still struggling a lot. :( She is going to see her doctor tomorrow. I am not really a big fan of this doctor, but I am praying that they have a good consultation tomorrow and she gives my mum a bit of hope. She needs some.
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I'm glad that you perk your Mum up, Em. I know how I feel about my sons so can imagine how she must feel.
Emilyrose said:
I have a big tennis match tomorrow, which is quite exciting. I'm playing for the club, which is cool. I guess there's a bit of pressure there, but I have done a lot of training over the last few weeks, so I feel that I am prepared at the very least. I haven't seen William in a while, so it will be nice to play with him again.
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Yay. Go, Em!
Emilyrose said:
I met up with an old acquaintance tonight cos we were trying to sort out a fundraiser we have coming up, and he gave me a really warm hug and a kiss - it was very sweet. Sometimes a hug and a kiss are badly needed! :D
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Lovely :grouphug:
Emilyrose said:
That's all the news really, more tomorrow I guess. I hope I bring good tennis tidings.
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Good luck!
 
Emilyrose said:
I went home afterwards and had a really nice roast dinner with my parents. My mum really perks up when I'm home. She's so sweet - the last few times I've been home, she's gone out onto the road and directed me out to ensure that there is no car coming when I reverse out the driveway. It's a real 'Mum' thing to do. I feel sorry for her cos she's still struggling a lot. :( She is going to see her doctor tomorrow. I am not really a big fan of this doctor, but I am praying that they have a good consultation tomorrow and she gives my mum a bit of hope. She needs some.
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Ahh that is lovely Em! Time with family is so important, that has indeed been one of my big focuses over the past 3 years, as my parents get older, I remember they won't be here forever and I don't want any regrets. I am sorry your mum is struggling, I am sure she loves seeing you!!
Emilyrose said:
I have a big tennis match tomorrow, which is quite exciting. I'm playing for the club, which is cool. I guess there's a bit of pressure there, but I have done a lot of training over the last few weeks, so I feel that I am prepared at the very least. I haven't seen William in a while, so it will be nice to play with him again.
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Good luck!!
Emilyrose said:
I met up with an old acquaintance tonight cos we were trying to sort out a fundraiser we have coming up, and he gave me a really warm hug and a kiss - it was very sweet. Sometimes a hug and a kiss are badly needed! :D
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That is a very true statement!
 
Good for you getting out for some good tennis after a night of drinking--you sound like you have such good energy...I seem to remember my days after a night of drinking as just total write offs!

Emilyrose said:
I went home afterwards and had a really nice roast dinner with my parents. My mum really perks up when I'm home. She's so sweet - the last few times I've been home, she's gone out onto the road and directed me out to ensure that there is no car coming when I reverse out the driveway. It's a real 'Mum' thing to do. I feel sorry for her cos she's still struggling a lot. :( She is going to see her doctor tomorrow. I am not really a big fan of this doctor, but I am praying that they have a good consultation tomorrow and she gives my mum a bit of hope. She needs some.
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Glad you had a nice visit with your parents. I hope the doctor visit was helpful for your mom.

Hope the Big Tennis Match went well!
 
- Thanks Cate.
- Jen, I saw! Fantastic! :D
- Thanks Liza. I push through it but I am getting burnt out.

It's been another absolutely mental week but at least my sleep has not gone chaotic again, which is the main thing.

The tennis match did not go well, and to be honest, I didn't really enjoy it because the pair we played against were really not my cup of tea. There was a lot of strange, erratic behaviour on the court, and it just made the whole thing unpleasant. Also, we fell apart, partly due to that, I would say, so that wasn't fun either.

I played 3 sets today in the beautiful evening sunshine and won all 3 (one singles, 2 mixed doubles) so that match is already a distant memory. Tennis is a lot like life - some days you're up, some days you're down. But it never stays the same for long. At least not in my life anyway. Although, I definitely think I fit in a lot more drama and extreme emotions than other people. Some of the suggested topics that Quora sends me are really disturbing. It seems to think I have borderline personality disorder or am a narcissist. I think it uses these diary entries to get its ideas. Lol.

I also had my very first, 'You've lost loads of weight!' comment from one of the tennis ladies. I generally hate people commenting on my body, but I actually didn't mind too much. I was kind of happy that it's finally noticeable.

I'm also back in touch with The Cowboy, we'll call him, after radio silence for the last month or so. He contributed to our fundraiser at the last minute, which meant I had to ring him, and we had a great chat and I was all smiles again. Lol. What a pathetic fool. When we were on the call, he was in his office, and he made the comment, 'They're all looking at me here'. I wonder why. I don't know, the fact that he's back in touch after so long is very interesting. I mean, I've completely lost the head over him, but the fact he hasn't completely dropped the relationship makes me wonder. I'm a bit scared, to be honest.

I also don't think I will meet SG - nothing to do with the above, I've just gone off the whole plan.
 
What a mixed post, Em. I'm glad you had a good tennis evening to cancel out the unpleasant match. I'm a bit nervous on your behalf about the 🤠 just reappearing after a month's silence.
Shame about SG. A roll in the hay with a single, hot guy doesn't sound like a bad idea. It might clarify things a bit. I'm trying not to say it might blow out the cobwebs as it sounds rude but....Unless he wants more from your relationship & you're not willing to give it. Then that wouldn't be fair.
 
Cate said:
Shame about SG. A roll in the hay with a single, hot guy doesn't sound like a bad idea. It might clarify things a bit. I'm trying not to say it might blow out the cobwebs as it sounds rude but....
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Not rude...just a bit of positive encouragement :)
 
Too bad about the tennis match not going great-but good to just move on from it.
Very nice that the weight loss is noticeable!
 
Em siad: "It seems to think I have borderline personality disorder or am a narcissist." Em you are way too self-aware to be a narcissist. And I believe the same is true for someone with borderline personality disorder. You always seem to see your role in things, I did really laugh and have thought of others or even myself when you wrote once "Threw all my toys out of the pram at one stage," I believe I will think of that phrase on a regular basis when I am about to get very unhappy about something at work! It is a nice trait to be able to let things go and you do seem to be able to do that!

It sounds like you are looking good and folks are noticing! Yay you! :grouphug:
 
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