Emily Rose: The Reboot

- Hi Cate, maybe you're right on the SG front. I don't have to decide today anyway. Let's see how the week goes...
- Hi Liza, yeah, it's a little bit better for sure!
- Haha, yeah, that's a useful phrase, Jen! ;) I move on fast really if the other party seems to also.

I had a nice, if quiet, day today, which is probably what I need. I had a voucher for a sports shop, so I got myself some new gear, which doesn't look too bad on me. Success! I also read my book in a coffee shop for a while, which I haven't got the chance to in ages. This Agatha Christie is taking me months to read - to be fair, it's a bit long-winded and not as gripping as her usual ones. I will finish it though, maybe tomorrow.

I went home to my parents' house and had dinner and a nice chat with them. Mum was in good form. I watched a few episodes of Girls - only 3 episodes to go. It's a brilliant series.

It's nearly 10pm now but I'm not really tired yet, even though I was out with friends last night. I didn't drink as much as usual, which was a good thing, and probably why I feel so functional today. My neck is sore today and my stomach is also a bit upset, which isn't great. I just need a good night's sleep tonight and I should be fine. It's a bank holiday here tomorrow - it's so great to have an extra day. I really should use the time tomorrow to clean my room and maybe hoover the car and get it washed. I'll see how things pan out.

The weather is really beautiful at the moment - clear blue skies every day but it's not too hot yet. I'm going to take full advantage and play some tennis tomorrow morning and evening. I have another comp starting next weekend - looking forward to that!

I've really enjoyed having some downtime today and I feel that the week should go well. Hopefully.
 
I love the sound of reading your book in the coffee shop. I used to do that regularly in my 20's but never do that now. One thing I find is most of them just seem too noisy...I wonder if it used to be quieter or is it just me getting older...I've thought a few times that it would be nice to open an intentionally quiet coffee shop, good for reading, deep conversation, chess playing...

Anyways your whole day does sound lovely--nice to get some new sports gear and to have a nice quiet day!
 
Hi Liza. The secret is to go on a day when you know most people are probably gone to the beach! Haha.

Another glorious day here. I could get used to this!

I got up early and played two hours of tennis in the beautiful sunshine. Played well enough. Then I went for breakfast in a local cafe (scrambled eggs, toast, coffee) and while I was there, my mum texted to say I'd left my sunglasses at home. I decided since I was on the road already, I would just head out for them today, as I needed them really.

I hung out at home, my mum rubbed Deep Heat on my neck, as I have picked up some kind of neck injury, and we had a nice chat and had dinner outside in the garden. The neck injury is a disaster - it feels like a trapped nerve or something. It was really painful last night when I was trying to get to sleep and also after tennis today. I have paracetamol and ibuprofen to counteract it, but I just hate injury or illness of any kind. Anyway, I'm sure it will pass.

I played tennis again this evening and then I was going to get my car washed, but I realised I don't know how to put down/take off the aerial, so I decided to wait till someone shows me how to do that. I have to take it to the garage anyway this week, as a light has come on and I need to get it checked it out. Annoying.

My hay fever is also really annoying the shit out of me - took a cetrine there, so hope it eases off for the evening. Again, nothing major, but it's all irritating me a bit.

Not doing much more today, going to watch a cheesy thriller on Netflix now (Deadly Illusions, I started it yesterday, very silly but very enjoyable) and then unfortunately it's time for bed again and work in the morning. I have more tennis planned for tomorrow evening, Wednesday and Thursday but that's about as busy as it's getting this week, which is a happy relief. Except for sorting out the car maybe, but that's tomorrow's problem.
 
Oh Em-sorry about the neck! Those kinds of things can be so very irritating! I hope a fun movie and a good night's sleep allow you to rest and relax enough to sort that out a bit! I agree that sitting in a coffee shop reading sounds like a lovely thing to do, when I went into the office I did use to do that on my lunch break fairly regularly, you might have inspired me to do that again some time soon!
 
A glorious day, 2 hours of tennis, another lovely visit home? That all sounds good, Em. It will be good to work out your new car a bit more. Getting little things fixed makes such a difference. I hope your neck feels better soon xo
 
- Yes, it is quite a lovely way to while away an hour or so, Jen!
- Thanks Cate.

Ah, and then the down day happens... To be fair, I just wasn't feeling well in work today. My neck is still bothering me, even though I'm taking loads of painkillers. I'm not quite sure of the source, which is also annoying. I thought it might be tennis, but I had a really active game this evening, and I felt a lot better afterwards. So, I don't know.

Today is a day where I don't know about anything. I'm not sure what I want, I'm not sure about where my life is going, if it's even going anywhere... I don't know why I'm making the choices I'm making. I'm not sure if I feel better than I did 10 years ago? I'm not sure why my life seems to have progressed so little in all these years.

I look around and I see the choices my friends have made to get them to where they are today, and I envy them. Not their lives, but the choices. The fact that they've been sure about things. I'm never sure about things. And it just leads me on this dusty, dead-end road continuously.

On other days, when I am feeling better, both physically and mentally, I think that my road is pretty good at times. A lot of the time really. I've done a lot this year. I just finished reading my second book of the year today, because I've had so much going on and happening in my own life that I really haven't had the time or inclination to read. Obviously, I have wasted a lot of that time on my phone. But still... I've kind of had a rich inner life going on. And an outer life, in general.

I don't know, I just feel a bit sad and lost. I'm really worried about something that is happening next week. I'm worried it won't go the way I want it to go. I'm worried that it will. I'm really in an absolute state of torment and confusion.

In the book I just finished, there was a great passage that I will share that kind of sums it up.

'You enjoy life altogether, don't you?'
'Yes, I do. I suppose it's the feeling that one never knows what might be going to happen next.'
'Yet that feeling,' said Mrs Rosentelle, 'is just what makes so many people never stop worrying!'
 
"I'm really worried about something that is happening next week. I'm worried it won't go the way I want it to go. I'm worried that it will. I'm really in an absolute state of torment and confusion.
I'm never sure about things. And it just leads me on this dusty, dead-end road continuously."
Does the something that is happening next week feel like it's a dead end, Em? I'm asking from a caring place :grouphug:
 
- Hi Cate. Actually, the fears about next week have kind of been alleviated. So it should all be fine.

I had a great evening at tennis tonight. Loads of fun, loads of people I really like. We had a good laugh. I didn't play too well but I hit one blistering shot that my partner for the evening gave me loads of compliments on. He was trying to bolster me up at the end and told me I just need to have more confidence in my game. He's a lovely man, it was really sweet. So yeah, loving tennis life.

I also spent a bit of time with Dad this evening, which is always nice. We have a really great relationship.

Friday tomorrow and I will be resting up tomorrow evening in preparation for the tournament at the weekend. The call of the wine will probably be fierce - it always is on a Friday, but the matches mean too much to me. I really want to win both of them.

Not much else to report. Feeling a bit bloated today, and my jeans were tight again, which was sad. I was making great strides with the weight loss for a while but I feel like I'm stalling or possibly going back up again. It's so annoying. I might weigh tomorrow just to see. Hopefully I'm imagining it. I'm still telling myself that the fat is melting off me. That's a very powerful sentiment.

I was reading a little bit about purpose today, and how important it is to find a sense of purpose in your life. I realised I've been a bit aimless of late. I have a sense of purpose with some things, but the overarching theme is missing. It's something I need to have a think about and then figure out what steps I need to take that will give my life more meaning. I'm being a bit silly about things, I am constantly distracted with stuff that probably isn't very good for me, and I need to get more balanced and disciplined.

Anyway, not much more I can do tonight, so I will read a chapter of the next Poirot and go to sleep.
 
I’m relieved to hear that your fears have been alleviated Em & that you spent some special time with your Dad & had a good night at Tennis 😊
 
Thanks Cate.

God, I am whacked tired today. I wasn't too bad during work, but the minute I came home, I lay down on my bed and slept for nearly 2 hours! That wasn't really the plan but I guess I needed it. I guess I'll feel the benefits of it tomorrow.

No wine tonight and nothing planned because I'm playing a match super-early in the morning. I'm bored. Sigh.

I was looking up writing competitions the other night, and there's an interesting one with a deadline for the end of June that I could enter... I haven't written anything in a long time. I just don't have any ideas for a good short story. Anything I have managed to cobble together has been a bit disjointed and depressing. Although I am reading Poirot's Last Cases, which is basically a short story collection, so I might get some ideas from that. It's quite fun so far.

But yeah, I guess it would be good to get those creative juices flowing. I always think of myself as a good writer, even though I've never come close to being published or winning a competition. But, as with everything, I am not exercising the writing muscle enough.

I also do want to write an album of songs at one point also. When the hell am I going to get the window of opportunity to do that?

Actually, just for fun, I'm going to make a list of stuff I want to do over the next while. I'm not putting a time limit on it, but this is all stuff I want to do. Some of it needs a time limit I guess, but anyway, this is just fun!

1. I want to write and release an album of music.
2. I want to act in a film and get paid for it. :D
3. I want to win an Oscar. (DREAM BIG!)
4. I want to fall madly in love and get married to an amazing man and be very happy with him.
5. I want to have two kids.
6. I want to write and publish a book that is sold in bookshops.
7. I want to win a short story competition.
8. I want to get to my optimal body weight.
9. I want to be a non-smoker and not need them anymore.
10. I want to live in New York City for a period of time.

Yeah, that's kind of the list for now. I mean, obviously, there's a lot of stuff in there, and there's other things that are very important to me also, such as my parents and friends and all that jazz. But, they are kind of the 'things' that would give my life purpose I think. I mean, I'm not asking for much here. God, I realise tennis didn't even feature there.

11. I want to win the singles tournament I am playing in this week.

That is a short-term goal, hahaha. If I achieve that one, it will make me believe all the rest are possible. :)

Dream Big Lovely People!!!
 
I love your list Emily. I did have to laugh that you say you're not asking for much--just an Oscar and a few other things :)
I do hope you enter the short story comp. I do think you are a really great writer just reading your diary here.

What kind of music do you write? Like is it stuff to accompany you on guitar? Years ago I used to write a lot of songs for my guitar (like sort of folky style or whatever--a lot of broken heart songs lol) Looking back I don't really know how I used to do that. It doesn't come naturally to me anymore. It was never anything I would put out to the public, but it was very satisfying to process a lot of stuff and so nice to remember in the morning that I'd written a new song and get out my guitar and play it...
 
- Haha, Jen. Well, these are longterm goals or projects really. Who knows how far I'll get with any of them? But it's nice to think about anyway.
- Haha, that was me joking a bit Liza. :D I would say my style of music is folky - I love female singer-songwriters like Laura Marling, although I don't have her talent. But that kind of an album is what I would like to write.
- Hi Cate. I sure do. I love being creative and living a creative life. I think that's why I am generally unhappy. I just want to be free, to be honest.

Well! Guys, I had a very successful morning. I won my singles match. One step closer to goal #11 being realised! I played really well, the girl I played against was absolutely lovely, probably around 14 years younger than me but I was able to keep up with her, and I was thrilled with my fitness. My dad even commented on it afterwards. I guess I am 10 pounds down - another 10 or 20 or 30 even would work wonders. I probably need to lose 50 pounds to be at peak, which is mad really.

I don't look too bad though - one man working at the club commented on how 'fresh' I looked when I was signing in. The woman asked if I was giving in my score or just registering, and he was like, 'Oh, she looks too fresh to have just played a match, she's signing in.' So, I thought that was pretty good. I did a lot of napping today, to be fair, and I did feel fresh.

Anyway, losing another 50 pounds is going to take a lot of time. At least a year. 160 pounds would be pretty good, and that's only 30 to go. But my body fat has dropped to 43.9%, which is not good, but that's from a peak of 45.9% at Christmas last year. So that is very good progress.

I wonder if I will feel differently if I ever do get to my optimum weight. Does it really fucking matter that much? I can move, I can breathe, I can do all the things I need to do. I still want to do it though. And I will. Sooner rather than later. I can see myself at 160 by Christmas, I really can.
 
Lovely to hear of the successful morning and excellent tennis match and being fresh for it!
That's great to hear of the increased fitness level with the weight loss...must be very encouraging!
I know what you mean about will getting to this "optimum weight" level make much difference. i feel the same way for myself...
 
- Yeah, it's an interesting one, Liza. Although, to me it sounds like you're 'there'.
- Thanks Cate.

Today, I feel absolutely exhausted and burnt out and probably a bit dehydrated. It was very hot when we were playing last night and the match lasted for two hours. I didn't move from the bed until 12.30 pm today and had to go back for another few hours after doing a little bit of shopping and getting my lunch. I guess this is better than the phase I went through where I was very exhausted but couldn't get my brain to switch off. I probably just really need the rest.

Anyway, after my nap, I felt unwell for about an hour, but I've recuperated since. I have a cold 1 litre bottle of water next to my bed that I am going to try to drink most of before I go to sleep. I'm sure I'll feel a lot better in the morning.

I did have a productive enough day in that I cleaned my room and hoovered and put on a wash and put everything away, so that's all good. I love having my room tidy. It was disappointingly messy again and it took me a long time to get it sorted out. I really have too much clothes now and I could do with getting rid of some of them. I also need to bring all the books I've read to a charity shop, just to make some space. I'm not sentimental about my books really, although if I had my own house with a library, I would definitely keep a collection of my favourite ones. Maybe some day.

12. Own my own house with a lovely library.

I'm going to be meeting The Cowboy tomorrow at a group thing. Meeting him in the first place has really been the biggest tragedy of my life so far. He's left me a few hilarious messages in the last few months, and we're kind of linked in a few ways now that I can't disentangle myself from, which is bad, because it means it's hard to get over him. I mean, there's nothing to even get over, but I don't know... I feel sick about the whole thing. But he's like a magnet when he's in the room. Also, I know this sounds a bit vain, but I look a lot better than I did two months ago. I have a real healthy glow, I'm a small bit lighter, and I definitely look a lot less tired. So I guess that will also be interesting - to see the reaction there.

Anyway, he might not go at all, so I won't stress about it. I am looking forward to seeing him though. I have lost it completely.
 
Logic & reason go out the window when you feel that strong connection to someone. I'm in quote mode today & just found these-
"Reason has moons, but moons not hers
Lie mirror'd on the sea,
Confounding her astronomers,
But, O! delighting me."
~Ralph Hodgson
"If the world were all logic, poetry would starve to death." ~Terri Guillemets, "Harsh sun, soft steps," 1996
 
Thanks Cate.

Well, I met The Cowboy, it was great to see him. He gave me a hug when we were going home and he had so much deodorant on that I can still smell him in my hair. So there's that. What a fucking disaster. He actually had an opportunity to kiss me, but he didn't, so there's also that. Would I be ready for that? Probably not. I'm not really sure how he feels about things.

It's kind of a relief to finally see him because the whole thing has sort of built up in my mind and I was thinking all sorts of things about him and to have him there in front of me was really great. I miss him a lot. It's so sad really, the whole thing. It's sad because it is probably mostly one-sided, kind of, maybe, not sure. Not clear at all. Anyway, I've fallen down the rabbit hole with it all.

I have a really bad headache now but I didn't drink and I'm just going to feel the feelings and try to process it all. And smell my hair for a bit, hahaha. What a sad case. I really need to get a boyfriend like.

Other than that, had a brilliant evening, all is good with the world in general. I am not feeling well overall though - nothing to do with wafting smells and a broken heart, but I just feel a bit dehydrated and I kind of have a headache going on a lot. Please don't say there's anything seriously wrong. I don't think there is though. I'm just probably detoxing a little bit.

Anyway, I feel like sleep might not come so easy tonight so I will probably try to read a little bit and then force myself to sleep. Tomorrow isn't too bad a day in work and I have the evening off so I am going to try to make myself dinner and get an early night. Wednesday is tennis, Thursday is tennis depending on how Wednesday goes, and Friday I have to see The Cowboy again about something else, which is kind of out of my control and can't be helped. But again, disaster zone. God, I am a mess.
 
Emilyrose said:
Thanks Cate.

Well, I met The Cowboy, it was great to see him. He gave me a hug when we were going home and he had so much deodorant on that I can still smell him in my hair. So there's that. What a fucking disaster. He actually had an opportunity to kiss me, but he didn't, so there's also that. Would I be ready for that? Probably not. I'm not really sure how he feels about things.

I have a really bad headache now but I didn't drink and I'm just going to feel the feelings and try to process it all. And smell my hair for a bit, hahaha. What a sad case. I really need to get a boyfriend like.
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That's nice you had a nice meetup with The Cowboy. What a tough situation to be in though!

Emilyrose said:
Other than that, had a brilliant evening, all is good with the world in general. I am not feeling well overall though - nothing to do with wafting smells and a broken heart, but I just feel a bit dehydrated and I kind of have a headache going on a lot. Please don't say there's anything seriously wrong. I don't think there is though. I'm just probably detoxing a little bit.
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Hope you're feeling better by now and that you got a good night's sleep.
 
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