Emily Rose: The Reboot

Thanks Cate. x

I had a good day in general even though I was tired from last night's evening excursion. I'm waking up too early on the weekends, it's really annoying. But I think I will get a good night's sleep tonight.

I met my friend for brunch this morning and I gave him another friend's number that I think can really help him with some problems he's run into. I really hope he rings him because I think it would solve all his issues. So that was positive.

After that, I put on a wash and did some admin tasks that needed to be done. I was happy with that. I went for a nap then but I didn't sleep for very long. Still, it helped. I went to the supermarket this evening and bought a chicken jambalaya thing for dinner that I had with some lettuce and sage. It wasn't too big and was tasty enough. I also prepared my lunch for the morning and I have booked into the gym for 7 am also! I have to go to the gym tomorrow, I just have to. That would really solve all my problems! I just need that endorphin boost because I have a hectic week ahead.

I also got a text message from someone in the club that wants me to play the next tournament with him. I was really pleased as I didn't think he thought too much of my tennis to be honest. He's pretty good. We might have some sort of chance! So that was lovely. I also chatted to Mum on the phone and she went for a small walk on the beach today with Dad and she also went for another small walk yesterday in the woods, which is more than she's done in a long time. So I was really happy with that. She sounded good enough.

We have a table quiz coming up to raise funds for the group and her and my dad are going with another couple that they know through golf, which is also very positive. She needs to get back into life! So yeah, lots of good stuff ahead. They are also coming to my show next weekend, which is another diversion. Sometimes constant distraction is what is needed.

That's it for now, back again tomorrow I'm sure.
 
That all sounds good, Em. I hope your friend makes that call. It's lovely to be asked to partner with a good player. That's a great compliment. I'm really pleased that your Mum is picking up. I hope you do get to the gym xo
 
Thanks Cate. I just couldn't drag myself out of bed this morning, so disappointing.

I got a message from someone I have been waiting for a message from for weeks now and it's like a balloon has just popped with the release of tension it has brought. I really thought he had forgotten about me. I guess he hasn't. He also left a really funny message about his evening and I realised that I really miss him. I mean, I realised that anyway but it was so great to hear his voice. Maybe he really has been thinking about me. I've completely lost my mind over him. There's been a lot of yearning.

Aside from that, I had a fantastic evening and the week ahead should be really positive as well. I'm playing tennis tomorrow and I'm going to try to eat well and look after myself.

I feel like I'm not going to sleep for ages now because I'm in such a whirlwind state once more. I'm going to watch an episode of Catastrophe now and try to calm myself down.

I really don't know what's going to happen next in my life and that is bewildering and exciting all at once. I mean, this message could be an isolated incident and I'll go back into the hellscape again, but I don't know. I just feel this year is bringing about all sorts of positive things for me, and some not so positive stuff, but it definitely feels like the season is changing. I want my life to change. I want to live a lot bigger and bolder than I have been.

I don't know, it's kind of sad to feel like I've been suffering for so long, and I really have. My weight was 190.5 this morning so that is continuing to tick down a little bit and I just want it to keep ticking down. I want to look the way I know I can look, I want to feel good about myself and I want to enjoy my time on this planet a lot more. I really hope that can happen for me.

But yeah, it was a great evening.
 
Hello Emily Rose, I am very new here. I hope you don't mind me looking at your last diary post, I loved this sentence, very inspiring:
Emilyrose said:
I want to look the way I know I can look, I want to feel good about myself and I want to enjoy my time on this planet a lot more.
Click to expand...
I very much relate to what you wrote, I think I understand how you feel and I really hope that happens for you too!
 
It will get better, Em because you really want it to. It is an exciting but scary world. You have so much more to live & give & love!
It’s lovely to see Jen visiting too. I’m sure Em will like that 😊
 
- Thanks for the visit Jen and your kind comment.
- I love that Cate! Love visitors. Hahaha. And thank you. x

Today was a pretty good day. I texted the man who texted me back late last night and I saw this morning that he read it at 3.30 am in the morning, which has convinced me that he's in love with me, desperate to see that I responded! Hahaha. We do have an undeniable spark though, I think that's definitely true. Anyway, it's got me reliving all our happy time spent in each other's company, which is probably not great, but anyway. I think I'm just relieved that he hasn't forgotten about me because he meant (and means) so much to me. Anyway. Let's see...

Other than that, I got a few lovely text messages from people today. I'm organising an event and one of the tennis ladies that I haven't seen in months and months texted me today to say she will go, which was a lovely surprise. Another friend texted me from Canada. Another friend texted thanking me for a donation I made to a charity thing she did. All very nice and positive.

We had a good day in the office as well - most of us that were in sat in the kitchen at lunchtime and had a natter, which was nice. I normally want to escape the office at lunchtime, but I felt absolutely exhausted today because I didn't get to sleep until 3 am myself with the excitement of yesterday and being remembered, so I felt I needed something nutritious to keep me going. It was actually a really nice lunch - kimchi, beetroot sauerkraut, tuna, tomatoes, peppers, lettuce and a slice of really yummy seeded brown bread and butter. Fabulous.

I played tennis after work - did not have the energy for it and by the end, I was missing everything. I felt ravenously hungry for PROTEIN afterwards - it was kind of late when we finished and I would normally just grab a wrap or something, but my body was screaming for a proper dinner. I cheated a bit with that and bought one of the healthier ready meals that had baby potatoes with spinach and diced beef with some kind of sauce on it - not bad. But I boiled some cabbage as well to supplement it and I can feel the benefits already.

That's kind of it - I am knackered, so will be asleep by 10 pm, all going well.

I heard this song over the weekend, it kind of relates to how I'm feeling a little bit and it's a lovely song, so I'll leave it with you:
 
Em it is lovely how you 'sift through your day' and remember to find all the wonderful bits of it. My mother always says that when you appreciate all the little things that are good, that adds up to something big. I also think it is a sure sign of a guy who is smitten when he is looking at his phone at 3:30 am, hoping to hear from you :)
 
Nice to hear of your lovely day. The lunch sounds lovely with a good chat and good food. And yes it's always nice to get lots of nice messages from friends :) I can relate to the hunger for protein after the tennis. i try and make a point of protein after a good run.
 
- Yeah, it is nice, isn't it, Cate?
- Thanks Jen. I sometimes come on here to rant but I haven't needed to do that as much recently. Which is great!
- I haven't felt that ravenous NEED for protein in a while Liza, but I'm really glad I listened to my body and had a good dinner for once.

Today was pretty good overall. Work was fine, nothing major happened. We had a giggle or two, which is always good. I ate my packed lunch again, also good. Similar to yesterday's lunch really. The kimchi and sauerkraut give it an interesting bite.

I'm not as tired this evening, even though I had rehearsal after work for a couple of hours, so that's good. No wine tonight again! Although I would have bought it if I was home early enough. But still, the week is going well. I just love drinking. :( I am 100% Irish though, so it's not really my fault. Haha.

Anyway, I should be fresh going to work tomorrow, which is good, because I have a 3-hour strategy meeting in the morning, which is a bit of a pain but it means the day will fly by.

I've been busy since I came home organising tennis for next week, as I have another tournament coming up next month. It was hard to get into it, but I've been accepted into both draws, which is great. I'm playing singles and mixed doubles. So I need to get a lot of practice in, as I haven't been playing that much lately. I have plenty of people I can ask to play with, so that's great. I have actually turned down loads of invites in the last few weeks, which makes me feel popular. Haha. So I must catch up with those people now and get some games in.

That's kind of it really. My dad is getting his new hip very soon. He's going up to see the doctor the weekend after next, it's all very exciting. I can't wait for him to get it, he will be absolutely flying around the place. :)
 
Your week is going well, Em. It will be great for you to get back into playing more tennis comps as I know how much you get from that. I'm competitive too. I try to pretend that I'm not, but I always have been at sports. Yay for your Dad getting a new hip soon :)
 
Good job with the wine. Hard when we have something we love to give it a miss!
Hope you get lots of good tennis in.
You sound like you're doing really well-really nice to hear!
 
- Haha, I didn't expect to see you admit to being competitive, Cate! ;) I don't think it's a bad thing really. It just means you care about stuff.
- Thanks Jen. I'm trying to just roll with it all a bit more.
- Thanks Liza. I'm doing okay. Really well is still a long way off. :)

Just to pick up on something Jen said about the ranting thing - I listened to a really good skin meditation thing the last night, the channel was Mind Set - but basically, what the person was saying in it was that your subconscious knows how to keep your body healthy and vibrant and all systems running perfectly. And instead of trying to force things, all you need to really do is relax and let it do its business. Stressing and worrying about how you have a rash on your face or cellulite or varicose veins or whatever the ailment is doesn't really help matters. Relaxing and trusting that the body can heal all those things is the fastest way of getting them to heal.

And yes, all of my ailments are still cosmetic, because I'm single and still in the game. Hahaha. I do feel genuinely blessed that in the overall scheme of things, I am very healthy. Long may it continue.

But yeah, I thought that was a great way of looking at things, and it kind of sunk in.

I felt extremely fresh and vibrant today and I realised that I have loads of energy when I'm not drinking. So I'm drinking now as punishment. Oh dear. I'm justifying it because I have such a manic few days ahead when I will really want to drink, but I can get away with drinking tonight but can't those other nights. Sigh. I'm watching Catastrophe and the main character is hiding his drinking from his wife, and I actually have really turned off the character, and then I realise that I'm a lot like him. :( But other than my addiction issues, I'm great!! Eek.

I had a good day in work, although pissed off a colleague again. I kind of thought about it for a bit but then I decided it wasn't worth the energy. He'll be fine.

I heard this earlier, I love it:
 
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Em said - Haha, I didn't expect to see you admit to being competitive, Cate! ;) I don't think it's a bad thing really. It just means you care about stuff.
(In lieu of being unable to highlight sections of a post & quote them, I'll do this for now.)
It's nice to surprise people sometimes :)
 
Brilliant work around Cate!
Em said- "Relaxing and trusting that the body can heal all those things is the fastest way of getting them to heal." I think this is a really interesting concept, I think in a lot of instances relaxing a bit can help. Stress and anxiety are really only good if your flight and or fight instincts need to kick in for a very valid reason.

Em said: "I'm justifying it because I have such a manic few days ahead when I will really want to drink, but I can get away with drinking tonight but can't those other nights." This actually sounds pretty rational and well thought out to me! And you are great Em...you seem vivacious, fun, kind and like you really care about the work that you do! :)
 
Good idea on the quoting Cate!

Emily said--Stressing and worrying about how you have a rash on your face or cellulite or varicose veins or whatever the ailment is doesn't really help matters. Relaxing and trusting that the body can heal all those things is the fastest way of getting them to heal.

So true! Stress is a really good thing to drop if one can. I exacerbate all sorts of issues with stress--my digestion, my back issues...so even for beyond cosmetic stuff it's a good thing to know how to handle in a healthy way.
 
- Definitely Cate!
- Vivacious - I love that! Thanks Jen.
- Thanks Liza. Yep, worrying is the biggest waste of time on the planet.

I was tired today (because of the wine, obvs) and when I'm tired, my brain goes to a sad, emotional place and that's where I ended up today. I nearly went into breakdown mode because I was thinking about this man I like, the man who texted me after a long stint of no contact, and the whole situation is just tragic. And no matter what happens next, there is no scenario where it ends up happily. Someone will be in despair no matter what. And, to be honest, there's probably less despair if things just stay as they are, even though I'm really suffering. My brain just can't seem to drop it. He waltzed into my life with his hair and his face and this "spark" and I just can't seem to forget about him.

It's funny because I had a call today with another guy that I was besotted with, and I'd kind of forgotten all about him, even though he meant so much to me at one point. But I guess he's kind of been back in my life a bit more the last few weeks. And that connection is still very much there as well, or could easily be sparked up again, which is again another ridiculous emotion from me.

A friend of mine was talking about this theory that nature has all of these patterns and that things that look very complicated, such as the patterns on a sea shell, can all be boiled down to a simple mathematical equation. So the theory is that humans think they have free will but do they really? Is there a certain design that we are all following, we just don't realise it? And my pattern seems to be having these connections with men that are already attached and kind of expecting something to come out of that? And like, that's not really what I'm setting out to do, it really isn't. But it's a lesson that I just can't seem to learn! Why am such an idiot?

I guess if I was giving someone else advice, I would say, 'Drop it, forget him, and go out and live your best life.' But a huge part of me just doesn't want to do that. :( And I'm suffering from the idea of dropping it, to be honest. It all seems hopeless when I think about that. I just don't understand why the equation I'm following just leads to more loneliness and more heartache for me every time.

Anyway, I am on a massive Waterboys kick at the moment, the song below is stunningly beautiful. Listening to it on repeat today probably hasn't helped matters.

Now if you're feelin' weary
If you've been alone too long
Maybe you've been suffering from
A few too many
Plans that have gone wrong
And you're trying to remember
How fine your life used to be
Running around banging your drum
Like it's 1973

Love that.

Well that was the river
This is the sea!

The river was the work guy, the sea is the new guy. Even worse. :( Anyway, it's a beautiful song.

 
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Your water analogies(?) seem so appropriate, Em. You must feel a little like you're drowning. Love/lust/crushes can be so absolutely overwhelming & consuming. You are not an idiot, Em. You are looking for love. I wish that those love vibes would reach the right person, but life often doesn't work out that way.
Are you playing tennis this weekend? I hope so xo
 
Em-I am sorry you felt sad today and that the emotional roller-coaster of relationships is feeling a bit overwhelming right now! I think we have all been where you are right now a time or two (or in my case twenty-five ish times). So we know the feeling. I will tell you something my father told me and a group of my friends when we were in our teens. " Girls you are lovely, smart, funny and all going places. If a guy is making you sad, remember men are like buses. Wait 20 minutes and another one will come along."

Em said: "I just don't understand why the equation I'm following just leads to more loneliness and more heartache for me every time." If you read your post Em, you actually kind of do know. "my pattern seems to be having these connections with men that are already attached and kind of expecting something to come out of that?"

You my friend are certainly not an idiot, you have found the answer to your own question. It is just going to take some time and practice to break the pattern, which I do know is easier said then done. ❤️
 
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