Emily Rose: The Reboot

Haha, me too Liza.

Today has been a fairly chill day. The most I did was go out for lunch where the most gorgeous man was also eating alone so maybe I will get my wish soon. Haha. I bought a really nice blue t-shirt that I love. I bought it in XL and it’s huge on me so that also cheered me up. I also got some rose essential oil and a few other small bits.

Valentine’s Day again on Tuesday. Huge sigh. 😕 But most things in my life are great so I am not feeling too sorry for myself. Would I love a surprise delivery of red roses to arrive for me at work? Yes, yes I would.

I’m at my parents’ house for the evening with the fire lighting beside me, which is always lovely. I’m watching The Brit Awards and quite enjoying it. Tomorrow I really hope to go for a run. I played tennis last night and I have another game set up for Wednesday so that’s good.
 
That sounds like a lovely day. Em. I hope you have a lovely week xo
 
Nice to have a good relaxing day! Hope you get out for that run and nice to hear you are getting in a good amount of tennis again.
 
Thank you both.

I kind of feel like a hand grenade has been thrust into my life tonight for a number of reasons, which I won't go into in too much detail. However, I seem to have a pattern in life where I meet these men who need me to love them but don't want to love me back and I'm really getting tired of it. It's like, I provide this ego boost for them that allows them to carry on with their life perfectly satisfied without me. I don't know what it is about me that attracts these types. It just leaves me feeling like a sad, hollow, empty vessel. I also have a massive ego myself, and any kind of attention gets me lighting up like a Christmas tree, and I'm addicted to the rush of that. Anyway, this is something I need to nip in the bud.

For example, I had this guy writing to me asking me to read something he wrote, which I did and I gave him feedback, and then he came back again asking for more feedback to be provided in less than 24 hours, and I had to tell him, sorry, I just don't have time right now. Like, it's this constant need and wanting and it just really annoys me. I love helping people, that's not what I'm saying, but with certain people, there's an undercurrent of something that I don't think even they really understand, and it has got me down tonight.

I'm just really sick of being the only one in my own corner and fighting all these battles on my own. I just want clear communication. It's really a minefield, being alive sometimes, lol.

In other news, my weight was just under 196 this morning, which cheered me up a bit. I've been kind of off my food, as I was saying, and maybe I'm not using it as much as an emotional crutch anymore? Although, things went a bit haywire in work today and I started chomping down on whatever sugary thing I could find, which was interesting. At least I recognised it? I still probably ate under maintenance today.

Anyway, things are good in general, I've just ended up in a weird text conversation, which has got my mind going into overdrive, and I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to actually have a good fucking life.

Also, Fiona Apple is amazing, this song is brilliant. Is this about me or about him?

 
Emilyrose said:
my weight was just under 196 this morning, which cheered me up a bit
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Well that's great!

Sorry to hear you seem to be in this pattern you don't like regarding some of the men in your life. Hopefully recognizing it will be a good step in changing it...
 
Thanks Liza.

The fallout from last night's texting session were that things were weird and a bit tense today and I got into bad form and everything feels terrible right now. I'm sure it will smooth itself out again, but there's a man in the drama group who I absolutely adore, and he was texting me a bit last night and, I don't know, maybe I said something a bit too flirty and it's changed the vibe a bit? But, at the same time, he was the one instigating these conversations, so I don't think I'm entirely to blame. Anyway, it's kind of bled over into the real world, which is what I didn't want to happen. There's feelings there from my side, but I can't exactly pursue them, and I don't really know what his angle is, but I don't want to ruin the good friendship we did have. Sigh. I don't know what I'm at.

Also, SG texted me today after a very long absence, which is just so typical. Turns out he's moved back again from Spain and got a new job here. I was kind of wondering if he was sniffing around again when his name appeared on my Whatsapp feed. Then he revealed that he's moved in with his ex-girlfriend, which I presume means they're back together. Then he was asking me if I was seeing anyone. I mean, really? Was I wrong in my post yesterday? So I just didn't bother replying to that question, cos it's none of his business and again, what is his angle here?

Anyway, I hope things get back to some sort of equilibrium with Drama Man, because we're working on a project together and it just needs to be cool between us for this thing to be a success. He's such a babe though. Hahaha. I am a hopeless case, I really am.

In other news, work is going really well again! So, you know. Swings and roundabouts and all that jazz.

I have a kind of fun weekend planned - a few jobs such as getting a wax so I can get back swimming again, getting my driver's license renewed, which isn't fun but I need to get it done, and meeting friends not involved in drama in any shape or form to go see a show on Saturday. I can't wait to see them and just get a break from the whole thing. It's a very intense time.
 
Today wasn't too bad. I was a bit tired but I got through it. Actually, I was telling the man working at the place we went for lunch today that I'm in a show coming up and he was all interested and asked me to write it down for him and when it was on. He's actually pretty good-looking - a South African man. So that put a bit of a spring in my step, haha. He's probably married. Hahaha.

We went out for a team lunch today, which was nice. I really like the newbies on the team and we're all getting on really well at the moment, which is great. It's nice to be nice and get along with people. That is my favourite state to be in. Just flowing along.

I am meeting up with some friends I haven't seen since Christmas tomorrow for a comedy show at 4 o'clock, which will also be really nice, as it will be kind of a break from the madness. I have to be up kind of early both tomorrow and Sunday, but my plan is to get to bed super-early tomorrow and just recuperate a bit. The problem is that my mind is hugely active at the moment, so I'm waking really early and finding it hard to go to sleep. I don't look too bad though, so that's something. The jeans I was wearing today were a lot tighter a few weeks ago, so I'm definitely noticing those few pounds gone. Which I am super happy about.

I went home this evening and we had a nice ham salad for tea, which was also nice. Dad is looking into getting hip surgery abroad and sorting out his options for that. I'm really happy that he's taking some initiative with this and is not waiting on a really long waiting list here just to get it done for free, as it is taking away from the active years of his life. He's so fit and healthy for his age, and it's really a shame that this hip thing has escalated. I'm hoping he gets it done in the next few months and he can go back to playing tennis with me again.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself for the rest of the evening. I've really lost interest in Netflix and even Agatha Christie isn't holding my attention these days. Still, I might stick something on and try to relax for a while. Happy it's Friday, that's for sure.
 
I had a really fun day out with my friends. It was great to catch up with them. We went to a show, which turned out to be a surprise musical, which I really enjoyed. Some great performers in it. Then we had a few drinks and went for a casual dinner and I'm home early enough to go to tennis in the morning. My friend is running a 10k trail race in the morning, so we needed to leave at 9pm, haha.

I actually woke this morning, had a shower, got the bus into town, got a coffee before my wax appointment, and I realised that it hadn't occurred to me once to have breakfast. Food is actually not on my mind so much lately, it's really great. I mean, I'm still eating and everything, it's just not a fixation. It's just a thing that I do when I need to. After years and years of meal planning and trying to do everything right, this is a bit of a revelation for me. I had a hearty lunch after the wax and had a meal with my friends this evening, plus the drinks, so I'm probably not even under calories for the day, but it's just cool to not be thinking about food so much anymore. Long may it last.

I also didn't buy a bar of chocolate today, which is something that is also tapering off. I don't know, I just don't really feel like sweets as much for the last few weeks. I guess I'm looking for something else to satisfy me.

Tomorrow is a very long and busy day that I will not be fresh for unfortunately, but I foresee a collapse into bed at 8pm tomorrow night, which should get me back on track for the rest of the week. I definitely have to get a few swims in this week, now that I am hair-free on the lower end of my body. I love that feeling after a wax. I often go for a swim with hair sprouting up all over the place, and hope that no one notices, but I like being able to just wander around and not think about all that. Maybe I'm delusional but I think I am looking pretty okay these days. It's funny, I think I look better in my swimsuit than some of my jeans or dresses. I think I've always wanted to be a skinny woman - maybe it's finally time to embrace the fact that I am a curvaceous woman and I should just try to enjoy that about myself.

Anyway, that's enough blathering on about me for one night. Hopefully I am not too tired tomorrow.
 
You sound like you're in a really great space Emily--with not thinking too much about food, accepting your body and liking how you look and even having those jeans fitting a little better these days. I'm glad you might be accepting your body-type more. Skinny used to be such a thing to strive for but I think fit and healthy and capable is so much better and you sound like you are all those 3!
 
Liza said almost exactly what I would have. Thanks, Liza.
Emilyrose said:
maybe it's finally time to embrace the fact that I am a curvaceous woman and I should just try to enjoy that about myself.
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That sounds like a marvellous idea to me xo
 
Thanks so much guys. Weight this morning was 195.7, the lowest it's been since 2021! I feel good about that and I honestly look so much better already, with these 5-7 pounds gone. I'm hoping I can sustain this downward trajectory. I'm definitely not eating as much and the desire to eat loads and loads of sweet things has diminished. Not gone completely, but it's better. And better is good!

The last few days have been great, really and truly. Work is going great, I am getting on so well with everyone, and I have tomorrow off and everyone was so sweet saying goodbye to me today. One girl said she was reading a book the other night and thought of me cos she knew I'd like it (it was about tennis! haha) which I thought was really sweet. I don't know what's going on but I'm just in a really good place. More or less. Not a 'perfect' place, which is where I seem to have been trying to be for years, but a good, realistic place.

I'm also getting help from all sorts of people on various things at the moment, which is also really good. One of my friends who I haven't seen in a while is going to be around tomorrow night so looking forward to catching up with him. He's bought a house with his wife near where my parents live, which is also great. Since I might never get on the property ladder, we might be living in the same place in years to come. Oh God, I really hope I get on the property ladder.

One of my other friends said he would give me his old iPhone, as my one is falling apart and he has upgraded to a newer model since. So yes, help is coming from all sorts of places. I do try my best to be a good and kind person, and I guess I felt that wasn't being reflected back at me for a long time, and now it finally is. I don't know, it's weird.

I guess I thought before maybe I didn't deserve the lucky hand I've been given and sort of pushed against that, and now I'm like, 'You know what? Fuck that. Let's try and do some good with that lucky hand and not feel guilty about it.'

I'm visiting the village where my grandmother grew up tomorrow, which will be really interesting. I always get super-emotional when I go back there. I'm going to try to visit her grave as well. We were so close when I was a little girl. I always feel her presence there, which is a bit mad, but it's true. Anyway, I think it will be a good experience.
 
What a lovely positive post! So nice to hear things going so well! Have a lovely visit to your grandmother's village--beautiful that you can still feel her presence there...i can imagine that when you had such a great connection with her. These things live on after our bodies pass on...
 
Thanks to you both. It really was nice to be where she grew up and to have those memories of visits to her come back. It was bittersweet.

I'm awake really early for a Saturday but it looks to be a beautiful day out there. The weather has been really lovely the last few weeks. I'm trying to offload a few thoughts here and possibly go back to sleep for a bit, then I will take on the day!

Everything is going great for me at the moment - long may it continue! I got a hair cut yesterday, which always makes me feel good. Before I got my hair cut, I had a bit of time to kill in town, so I went into a pub near the hairdressers for a coffee, and I met a barman there who used to work at my regular pub in the pre-Covid days. I haven't seen him in a long time. Anyway, he gave me the coffee for free. And that was before the haircut! ;) Yes, the Spirit of Paolo still lives, hahaha. He's not bad-looking at all. Lol.

I have a fun enough day planned with friends and this evening I am getting back to the swimming pool! Excited about that. I just didn't have the energy to go during the week. I also might walk into town today and get the bus home, which will be another bit of exercise.

I also had another encouraging weigh-in this morning. 194.3. 🥳 I haven't seen a number this low since May 2021. I've been really off my food as I just have a lot of emotional stuff going on at the moment, and the desire to overeat just hasn't been there. Anyway, I am delighted.

I was very tempted last night to buy wine after my haircut, but I went home instead, where I was rewarded with a chat with my uncle on the phone. I haven't spoken to him in a couple of years at this stage. He lives in the UK. It's so funny, it's like there had been no gap between conversations at all. That's the wonderful thing about family, I guess. He seems to be suffering from some long Covid stuff, which is not nice at all, and he just hasn't been feeling well. It's something like irritable bowel syndrome. He got a really bad dose of it in the first wave because he's a doctor. Such a smart man. He has an engineering degree and a medical degree. He loves his work as a doctor though, he's really put his heart and soul into it. Which is cool.

Anyway, that's kind of it for now. I'm going to keep chipping away at the weight and hopefully I'll be back in the acceptable 80s in no time. I'll be back grooving around to this banger when that happens:

 
Emilyrose said:
also had another encouraging weigh-in this morning. 194.3. 🥳 I haven't seen a number this low since May 2021.
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Congrats! That must feel so good!
So nice to hear things continuing to go so well.
Emilyrose said:
I have a fun enough day planned with friends and this evening I am getting back to the swimming pool! Excited about that.
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That does sound like a lovely day planned.
Emilyrose said:
I was very tempted last night to buy wine after my haircut, but I went home instead, where I was rewarded with a chat with my uncle on the phone.
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Oh very nice on skipping the wine and lovely that you got to have a nice chat with your uncle. So nice when we have people we connect with so naturally and easily. That's really too bad about him ending up with long covid. I hope his health improves.
 
Thanks Liza and Cate.

Yesterday was a bit of a tough day in that a few people made comments to me about my looks that really upset me. I guess I was feeling a bit more body positive and almost good about myself and then these comments kind of had me spiralling.

The first one was from a lady who said I looked really tired (I didn’t think I looked too bad) and then when I met her in the bathroom, she said, ‘Oh, your kidneys are nearly as bad as mine.’ Note that she’s 70.

Then an oldish man in the pub told me I must be a country girl because of my ‘rosy cheeks’, which is actually rosacea and is particularly bad at the moment because I’m drinking too much. (Not at home though, which is at least an improvement.)

Then, another friend was like, ‘Oh, when you auditioned for that play 5 years ago, I wouldn’t have cast you opposite me, you were more demure back then, but now, I think we could play opposite each other.’ So, this guy is very overweight, and I felt this whole thing was a commentary on my weight gain and overall looks. Very sad about that.

Anyway, I am going to go for a swim this afternoon, which always helps my skin, my head and makes me feel healthy and strong. Fuck the haters! I think for 36, I look fine.
 
Emilyrose said:
Then an oldish man in the pub told me I must be a country girl because of my ‘rosy cheeks’,
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I imagine he meant it as a compliment though? Like you look healthy...I get it where you're interpreting it as a put down if you feel self conscious about it, but I imagine he meant it as a good thing...

Always tough when we do end up feeling bad about ourselves for whatever reason though. But i like your attitude of just heading out for a swim and keeping the positive going.
 
Oh, Em. I'm sure you're reading too much into these comments.
Emilyrose said:
Anyway, I am going to go for a swim this afternoon, which always helps my skin, my head and makes me feel healthy and strong. Fuck the haters! I think for 36, I look fine.
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Good for you bouncing back!
 
- Thanks Liza. I like your interpretation better, haha.
- I probably am, Cate. But it still stung.

I have just had a really upsetting call with someone who I have unintentionally upset and I feel a bit out of sorts. My head has been in the clouds a bit and this was a resounding thud back to Earth. Anyway, I think the issue is resolved now but it has put me into baddish form. I’m going for a swim after work to try to process and then forget about it.

I also had a few annoying encounters in work where my idea (that was good!) was rejected and someone else challenged me on something that I was 100% correct on. Sigh. Anyway, whatever. Head down for the rest of the day.

My swim yesterday went great - I found it really easy and I really enjoyed it. The jacuzzi afterwards was glorious. I also feel the freshest I have in weeks today after it so it definitely works. Looking forward to that later. I will cook dinner first.
 
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