Emily Rose: The Reboot

[Emilyrose]

Thank you so much for your really kind reply, Liza. I'm not happy that you also suffer from this from time to time, but I guess it helps to know I am not alone! Thanks for the hug. Right back at ya!

Today was a bit of a disaster to start with, then another disappointment, but then some nice chats with my parents and got a great idea from my dad about something, so it worked out okay in the end. Had salmon for dinner with veg and potatoes, which was badly needed.

I saw a video of myself today and it was not good! I mean, I look cute in a certain light, but also exceptionally plump, which is not cool at all. Sigh. I'm thinking of trying to give up sugar, bread and caffeine for the month of February. Can I do that without also losing my mind? I am not sure. But it's the only thing that I know is guaranteed to work at this stage. I'm going to try tomorrow anyway and see how I go.

Work is very difficult right now - had a bad day, got cross, sigh sigh sigh. Drama drama drama.

Not much else to report really. I got out my guitar yesterday for the first time in a while, sang a bit of Edelweiss, which was nice. I need to start singing and playing more regularly, I find it very soothing for the soul. I also finished my first book of 2023 yesterday - another Agatha Christie! Took me a lot longer this time, but it really has been a frantic time of rushing here, there and everywhere.

Tomorrow I have the evening off from 'stuff', my room is gone topsy-turvy again and I need to put on a wash badly, so I will spend the evening at home and cook dinner for myself as well. I might go for a little walk if I get time. I'm really going to focus on food as opposed to exercise for February, as my diet really has gone out the window. The lack of appetite I was experiencing over the last few weeks was sadly short-lived! Without bread or sugar, I'm sure I will be quite hungry, but I'm hoping it encourages me to get back cooking nutritious meals again. Well, let's give it a go anyway.

Love this:

 

[Cate]

I go really red in the face when I get embarrassed. I always have done but it bothered me much more when I was a teenager. Your work sounds so up & down, Em. I'm glad you have your parents for support & that it's not bad all of the time. I hate melodrama. An evening at home catching up & cooking a nice meal for yourself sounds like just the ticket.

 

[liza3]

Today was a bit of a disaster to start with, then another disappointment, but then some nice chats with my parents and got a great idea from my dad about something, so it worked out okay in the end. Had salmon for dinner with veg and potatoes, which was badly needed.

What a nice way to turn a day around

I'm thinking of trying to give up sugar, bread and caffeine for the month of February.

Oh wow! Good for you for even considering that!

I got out my guitar yesterday for the first time in a while, sang a bit of Edelweiss, which was nice. I need to start singing and playing more regularly, I find it very soothing for the soul.

lovely! I also find playing music and singing so good for the soul. I pick my ukulele up pretty much daily and will sing and it always makes me happy.

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Cate. I actually did what I said - went for a power nap after work and then got up and cooked a really nice dinner. And yes, there is always lots of melodrama in my job, but I think I'd be bored if it was too sedate. I just need to stop being so reactive.
- Yeah, I don't think that consideration will be happening Liza, hahaha. I haven't done too badly on the food front the last few days though, which is good. The ukelele is the ultimate 'happy' instrument. Joe Purdy and Ingrid Michaelson have great ukelele tunes.

Today was pretty good. Lots of things happening that I don't really want to go into on my diary, as they will give too much away. I would hate for anyone to discover this diary and find out who I am. Some days, I think I will come in and ask for a download of the whole thing and delete it all. If I ever get rich and famous, I'll probably have to. Hahaha. How silly that this is still a dream of mine. I really am the most ridiculous person.

I really do like writing though, and I've had to do a lot of writing this week, and I've been very happy with the results so far. I guess I just need a vessel for self-expression constantly. That can be through writing or music or acting or just getting into interesting discussions really. I love a project.

One of the tennis ladies texted earlier to ask for a game on Saturday at 10. I could do with not getting up early on Saturday but I think the benefits outweigh the cons, so I agreed. I need to keep a bit of tennis going while other things have taken precedence. I have a work trip next week which means getting a train at 6.15 in the morning - not looking forward to that! But the meeting should be quite interesting and I like going up there, so it's all manageable.

Tomorrow is Friday - the week has gone fast and I got most of the difficult work out of the way, so I should sail softly into the weekend. I got a wash on yesterday so will try to get another one done tomorrow and try to clean my room, which has turned into a dumping ground once more. Tennis Saturday and some drama stuff Sunday and Monday. Nothing too taxing, but all positive and good for the soul!!

 

[Cate]

Some days, I think I will come in and ask for a download of the whole thing and delete it all.

I don't know who you would ask. It certainly won't be me. I tried copying my diary once & it took me ages & ages & I gave up.
I used to worry that someone might find my diary, but I have decided it really doesn't matter much. I still don't use full names or say exactly where I live. I'm still sure I could be found if someone really bothered.
It's good that you're eating healthy, writing & fulfilling the need for self-expression & also playing more tennis. Life sounds pretty good, Em.

 

[liza3]

Some days, I think I will come in and ask for a download of the whole thing and delete it all. If I ever get rich and famous, I'll probably have to. Hahaha. How silly that this is still a dream of mine. I really am the most ridiculous person.

I love that you have that dream! If one day i come and see your diary has disappeared I will know what happened

I really do like writing though, and I've had to do a lot of writing this week, and I've been very happy with the results so far. I guess I just need a vessel for self-expression constantly. That can be through writing or music or acting or just getting into interesting discussions really. I love a project.

that's great you're finding those ways to express yourself.

One of the tennis ladies texted earlier to ask for a game on Saturday at 10. I could do with not getting up early on Saturday but I think the benefits outweigh the cons, so I agreed.

Good for you! Seems like tennis always brings a lot of joy to you.

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thank you Cate. Your reply made me chuckle. Hahaha.
- Lol! I have lots of BIG DREAMS, Liza. They keep me alive I think. And yes, you will know if the whole thing suddenly disappears. I'll send you a message before I go.

I'm actually feeling pretty good tonight and like I've got some of my mojo back. I have been looking so tired and ran down for the last few weeks - stress-induced, just too much shit going on. I had the most horrendous coldsore for the last few weeks that really put a dampener on looking in the mirror for me, but it's finally nearly healed. It was a really nasty one.

I washed my hair this morning and it has a really lovely shine to it this evening. I went for a nap after work again cos I am still very much trying to get back to normal after all the stress and bad night's sleep and too much alcohol at times. Anyway, I had the most delicious dream and when I woke up, I felt miles better about everything. I decided I'd better try to do something productive with the rest of the evening so I went to the local supermarket (a really fancy one that I love going to) and picked up some nice bits for mealtimes for the next few days - some mackerel, tempeh, kidney beans, brazil nuts, just nice, easy food that I can cook easily and makes me feel good.

Anyway, I know my mojo is back somewhat as when I was leaving, some guy went out of his way to move his trolley to let me pass and then gave me 'the eye', so life is good again. Hahaha. He was nice-looking as well.

Tomorrow I am going to wake up fresh as a daisy because I've eaten fairly well today, I'm not drinking this evening and I got that extra two hours after work. So the plan is up at 8.30 am for breakfast and then head to tennis. I might try to get a run in after tennis, as I will be in an area I really like running in, and I haven't gotten out in a while. Only 3k, so not too taxing after the tennis.

Then I have some life admin stuff to do for the afternoon, then home to help Mum with something and I might stay with my parents tomorrow night. A work situation was positively resolved today, so that has also helped lift my mood. And I have lots to be excited about! 2023 is going to be a great year. January was tough, but I can see it getting better and better.

 

[Cate]

I'm glad I made you laugh!
You sound so much better, Em. It doesn't take much to switch things around. We have to try to remember that. Simply(?) taking better care of ourselves can make such a difference.

Anyway, I know my mojo is back somewhat as when I was leaving, some guy went out of his way to move his trolley to let me pass and then gave me 'the eye', so life is good again. Hahaha. He was nice-looking as well.

Nice!
Your weekend sounds like it will be a really good one. Enjoy, Em xo

 

[liza3]

I'm actually feeling pretty good tonight and like I've got some of my mojo back.

Sure sounds like it! You sound great--very nice to hear

went to the local supermarket (a really fancy one that I love going to) and picked up some nice bits for mealtimes for the next few days - some mackerel, tempeh, kidney beans, brazil nuts, just nice, easy food that I can cook easily and makes me feel good.

What a nice healthy way to treat yourself!

So the plan is up at 8.30 am for breakfast and then head to tennis. I might try to get a run in after tennis, as I will be in an area I really like running in, and I haven't gotten out in a while. Only 3k, so not too taxing after the tennis.

Sounds like a lovely plan. Running after tennis sounds exhausting to me, but I get what you mean when you get to a place that's lovely for running in.

2023 is going to be a great year. January was tough, but I can see it getting better and better.

 

[Emilyrose]

- I'm on a constant rollercoaster of emotions, Cate. But I do think things are calming down somewhat.
- I didn't actually run after tennis today, Liza. Just didn't have the energy for it.

Had a good day today. Woke up fresh after a bit of a disturbing dream. I'm feeling a bit guilty about something and my dream revealed to me why that is. Hmm. Anyway.

Made myself some buckwheat porridge with goji berries and flaxseed. Nice start to the day. Played tennis, also a nice start to the day.

Was home at about 11.30 am, had a shower, dried my hair, then decided I needed some more downtime and went back to bed for a while.

When I got up, I made a proper dinner of fried mackerel with a kind of risotto thing of mixed veg, rice, a stock cube and some spices. It wasn't bad. Mackerel really stinks up the kitchen and the taste is quite strong but it's so good for you.

After that, I did some admin stuff, then I drove home to Mum and Dad. My mum was still in her dressing gown and pyjamas. I was not impressed. She was actually in good form though and I convinced them both to go to a play next weekend, so it was a very productive visit.

Came back to my house and I'm reading a bit of Agatha Christie and will probably go to sleep soon. Tomorrow is full on - kind of exciting in a way. Do you think it's possible for a lot of wrong decisions to get you to a place where you really need to be? I often think about that. Or would making all the right decisions all along have led me to something better? I am really enjoying knowing all the people in my life at present and would feel sad if I hadn't met them at this stage. Or would I have always met them regardless, just in another way? Food for thought.

 

[Cate]

I think most of us are on a roller coaster of emotions, Em. When you work out life let us all know. It's all a bit pointless trying to work out what we should have done differently & I try not to beat myself up about much any more. We can learn from our mistakes, but not fix everything about our past selves. It's always good to reassess where we're going though.

 

[liza3]

Sounds like a really good well-balanced day with some really nice food choices...
Yes, life is interesting...i guess we all make the best decisions we can along the way and yeah looking back from a wiser perspective we may have done differently but i guess we just keep learning along the way. Sometimes we really learn the hard way--making bad decisions, having bad results...and then coming to an understanding that things can be done in better ways...but yeah life...who knows...

 

[Emilyrose]

- Yes, very true, Cate. Where we're going is the only thing we have any sort of say on.
- Hi Liza. Yeah, I'm not someone who would want to go back and do things differently, because every action you take is the best you could possibly do at the time, or something you felt was your only option. I just find the idea of different threads of existence really fascinating. Is there another Emily Rose out there driving a BMW with 3 kids and a handsome, successful husband? Would I be any happier if my choices had led me to that kind of life? I'm not convinced, hahaha. I mean, I think that could all still happen, I just know that lots of women my age are living that kind of life already. I don't even know if that's what I would deem a 'good' life, but I guess it's so far removed from how I'm living right now, it's interesting to think about.

Anyway. Enough of that. The day was pretty good overall. I'm a bit sad tonight about a situation in my life. It's kind of one of those things where it's as good as it's ever going to be. I guess I just feel really lonely today. I got the bus home from town after a few drinks with friends and I just felt really old and tired. And I'm not old, and I'm only tired tonight because I've had a long and busy day, but I just couldn't help thinking... 'Is this all there is?' Anyway, I guess those moments are perfectly natural for everyone and I am sure I will feel better after a good night's sleep. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me anymore. I've known that for a while now.

But yeah. I guess I just really want to be in love and I keep meeting men that are unavailable or the timing is off or whatever. Maybe I need to emigrate to a big city like London to find men my age who aren't after getting married or starting a family. I know there has to be hundreds - thousands - hundreds of thousands of them out there! Statistically speaking. Maybe I should look that up, get the true number and give myself some hope.

 

[Cate]

Never give up hope on being in love & being loved in return, Em. Never.

 

[liza3]

I just find the idea of different threads of existence really fascinating. Is there another Emily Rose out there driving a BMW with 3 kids and a handsome, successful husband? Would I be any happier if my choices had led me to that kind of life? I'm not convinced, hahaha.

Yeah it is interesting. Did you ever have those 'choose your own adventure' books as a kid? I used to love those...all our choices and where they take us...

I just couldn't help thinking... 'Is this all there is?' Anyway, I guess those moments are perfectly natural for everyone and I am sure I will feel better after a good night's sleep.

oh yeah for sure...i'm sure we all get moments like that...

anyways hope you woke feeling better!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Cate. You really are the forum auntie.
- I was absolutely obsessed with them Liza. Thanks.

I feel miles better today and got out of that feeling sorry for myself thinking. I'm very tired again though and I just need to quit smoking. I know I say that on here all the time, but I'm going to start again tomorrow. I have something big coming up in March - plus my birthday - and it really would make me feel so much better to not be puffing away all the time. My grandmother smoked heavily until she died of a stroke at 73, so like, really, I am insane for smoking in the first place. I can't undo all the cigarettes I've smoked thus far, but I have a fairly robust constitution, and I feel it would really only take me a couple of weeks to feel miles better and to be back on the road to great health.

I had a lovely evening of drama tonight - theatre drama, not drama drama, which has really boosted my mood. Work tomorrow is just inconvenient. Haha. One of the tennis ladies is also texting me a lot for games, so I'm keeping one toe dipped in there also. I'm playing again on Friday at 7pm, which is a great way to kick off the weekend.

I really hope I get a good night's sleep tonight. My plan of action for tomorrow is to get up around ten to 8, make my breakfast of porridge with some bits thrown in, then drive to work. At lunch, if it's dry, I will walk to the nearby cafe and get soup for lunch, then dinner will be mackerel with veg and rice again. I would also love to fit in a run after work as well. Then I'm visiting my parents and staying there for the night, as Dad will drive me to the train early on Wednesday. So, a solid plan. And no smoking! I'm going to trial it until the 18th, which is my next night out, but if I get that far, hopefully I won't want to pick it back up.

Anyway, one day at a time. Let's see how I fare tomorrow.

 

[liza3]

Best of luck with the renewed intentions of quitting smoking.
Really nice to hear you feeling a lot better and enjoying some good drama time and your plan for the day sounds lovely!

 

[Cate]

Your plans sound really good, Em. I hope you can kick the smoking habit. It's such an addictive drug & I know how hard it is to shake that addiction.

 

[Emilyrose]

Thanks Liza and Cate. Was not successful this week but will try again this weekend.

I had the dentist yesterday and all my teeth are 'sound' but I have 'mild chronic gum disease', which sounds like a contradiction in terms to me. Anyway, she said that won't go away until I stop smoking. Goddammit, I know. I know, I know, I know what I have to do. I love my teeth, they're not 'perfect' but they are probably one of the only things about myself that I don't 'worry' about physically, if you know what I mean. They do the job so well. Haha. But yeah, I definitely want them to stay sound. Forever. I want to be in that coffin with a beautiful set of gnashers. So I need to stop.

Gnashers is such a great word, isn't it?

What other nonsense do I have to go on about tonight? My train journey was great, still love the train. So far, that's two things I love in this post - my gnashers and the train. That's great, isn't it? Two things in the world to be grateful for. Hahaha.

I've gotten myself emotionally embroiled with someone who is unavailable, so that's not so good. It's kind of a short-lived time I will be interacting with him, which is good, but I'm kind of sad about the whole thing really. Timing is everything, and with some people, there would never have been a good time. Life is fucking cruel. It's providing me with all the cake in the world, but I'm not allowed to eat any of it. That's kind of what you could say about food and cigarettes and alcohol as well, except I'm not resisting those things at all. I think my 'lesson to learn' while I'm here is temperance and self-discipline. Temperance is another fantastic word. I am really in a very creative mode at the moment.

Anyway, life will go on, I will forget all about this man, and hopefully I will meet an even nicer, more charming, funnier, more handsome man, if that is even possible. One thing I am a sucker for in men - generosity and gentlemanly behaviour. Mr Can-Never-Go-There bought a few of us a drink the last night, no questions asked, even though he'd just told me earlier he'd spent a fortune while on holiday. Then he pulled out all the chairs for everyone. Then he decided to be hilarious in every drama meet-up we've had, and I was like, 'Fuck.'

Anyway, that's it. No more. I will find someone else.

 

[liza3]

Well that is good that your teeth are in good health so far...and some extra motivation to quit smoking...keep at it!
I hope you find a good available man to fall in love with soon