I hope that going home brings that calm and rest and resets things a bit.
always good to feel appreciated!Wow interesting dream. I could imagine that as a positive...shedding skin, growth...but yeah i can get how it would feel distressing too!
Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
always good to feel appreciated!
Cate
Long term member
Em, was it you that recommended "The resilience project" by Hugh Van Cuylenberg? I ordered it from the library months ago & started it yesterday. It's really interesting & you might like it. I thought it would be really boring & repetitive but so far it's not at all.
I am going to try to concentrate on all of the things that I have to be grateful for & try not to worry about the things that feel just outside my grasp. I am so very lucky. I just have to remind myself of that. Every single day.
I am going to try to concentrate on all of the things that I have to be grateful for & try not to worry about the things that feel just outside my grasp. I am so very lucky. I just have to remind myself of that. Every single day.
- Thanks Liza. The visit home definitely helped.
- No, that wasn't me, but sounds like an interesting read! I will look it up on my next library visit. Thanks Cate.
Day 17 - Tuesday 17th January 2023 - Dream Big
Food:
- glass of milk; pasta with pesto and basil; slice of ham
- 20 jellies
- 2 chewing gums
- 4 coffees and milk
- 1 choc biscuit; 2 cookies; 1 small yellow snack bar
- seafood chowder; creme egg; can of fizzy lemon
- 4 celebrations
- salmon with tartare sauce, carrot and parsnip mash, fine beans, broccoli and boiled potatoes
Proper dinner! Happy!
Exercise:
No.
Cigarettes: 7
Summary:
I woke up this morning and went, 'Oh no', as the memory of the prosecco and all the mad thoughts going on in my head came flooding back in. Sigh. I was really knackered all day but I tried to keep my spirits up as much as I could. There was a mini-crisis this morning that was resolved, which if it wasn't resolved would have ruined the whole day, and I was so grateful for that that it kind of buoyed me along.
I went home this evening and my parents and I had a very enjoyable chat about how much we think my mum is going to get out of her English pension when she turns 66 in a few months. She worked in the UK years ago. I told her to 'dream big' and make out a cheque for €10,000 and put it under her pillow. She really got a kick out of it and she finally has something to look forward to! It was all very cheering. Anyway, I will definitely sleep tonight. Can't wait to shut my eyes. Nightie night.
- No, that wasn't me, but sounds like an interesting read! I will look it up on my next library visit. Thanks Cate.
Day 17 - Tuesday 17th January 2023 - Dream Big
Food:
- glass of milk; pasta with pesto and basil; slice of ham
- 20 jellies
- 2 chewing gums
- 4 coffees and milk
- 1 choc biscuit; 2 cookies; 1 small yellow snack bar
- seafood chowder; creme egg; can of fizzy lemon
- 4 celebrations
- salmon with tartare sauce, carrot and parsnip mash, fine beans, broccoli and boiled potatoes
Proper dinner! Happy!
Exercise:
No.
Cigarettes: 7
Summary:
I woke up this morning and went, 'Oh no', as the memory of the prosecco and all the mad thoughts going on in my head came flooding back in. Sigh. I was really knackered all day but I tried to keep my spirits up as much as I could. There was a mini-crisis this morning that was resolved, which if it wasn't resolved would have ruined the whole day, and I was so grateful for that that it kind of buoyed me along.
I went home this evening and my parents and I had a very enjoyable chat about how much we think my mum is going to get out of her English pension when she turns 66 in a few months. She worked in the UK years ago. I told her to 'dream big' and make out a cheque for €10,000 and put it under her pillow. She really got a kick out of it and she finally has something to look forward to! It was all very cheering. Anyway, I will definitely sleep tonight. Can't wait to shut my eyes. Nightie night.
Cate
Long term member
I'm really happy that your visits home are much more enjoyable for you now & they seem to restore your spirits. That evening meal sounds delicious.
I really enjoyed the book, Em but it may not be as interesting if you are not aware of the significance of the sporting references within the book as they are all Australian. The book made me feel very grateful for what I have & I think I will research the Resilience project some more.
I really enjoyed the book, Em but it may not be as interesting if you are not aware of the significance of the sporting references within the book as they are all Australian. The book made me feel very grateful for what I have & I think I will research the Resilience project some more.
- Thanks Liza. Thank God it was resolved!!
- I'm very well up on my Australian sporting references Cate. Haha, not really, but it sounds good anyway.
Day 18 - Wednesday 18th January 2023 - Nervous Exhaustion
Weight: 198.4 lbs (-1.6 lbs)
Body fat: 45.5% (-0.2%)
BMI: 30.2 (-0.2)
Well, that's something I guess!
Food:
- orange juice; natural yoghurt
- 3 coffees and milk
- oat and chocolate natural valley bar
- 2 celebrations; 10 jellies
- mushroom soup with two slices of soda bread and butter; tea and milk
- boiled egg and slice of toast with butter
- pasta with basil and pesto
Very light eating day for me.
Exercise:
50 laps in the pool
Cigarettes: 14
Summary:
I think I overdid it in the pool a bit and feel genuinely exhausted now. I felt a little bit sick even when I got home. I had a bad meeting today - I got very hot and bothered and looked extremely stressed on the call, and afterwards I felt a bit tearful for some reason. I just think I'm kind of in flight or fight mode at the moment and anything could tip me over the edge. Even though I'm not feeling great after it, I think the swim will do me good. My mind has been on overdrive when I try to go to sleep these last nights, but tonight I think I will get to sleep pretty quickly. Anyway, no wine today, so all good.
- I'm very well up on my Australian sporting references Cate.
Haha, not really, but it sounds good anyway.Day 18 - Wednesday 18th January 2023 - Nervous Exhaustion
Weight: 198.4 lbs (-1.6 lbs)
Body fat: 45.5% (-0.2%)
BMI: 30.2 (-0.2)
Well, that's something I guess!
Food:
- orange juice; natural yoghurt
- 3 coffees and milk
- oat and chocolate natural valley bar
- 2 celebrations; 10 jellies
- mushroom soup with two slices of soda bread and butter; tea and milk
- boiled egg and slice of toast with butter
- pasta with basil and pesto
Very light eating day for me.
Exercise:
50 laps in the pool
Cigarettes: 14
Summary:
I think I overdid it in the pool a bit and feel genuinely exhausted now. I felt a little bit sick even when I got home. I had a bad meeting today - I got very hot and bothered and looked extremely stressed on the call, and afterwards I felt a bit tearful for some reason. I just think I'm kind of in flight or fight mode at the moment and anything could tip me over the edge. Even though I'm not feeling great after it, I think the swim will do me good. My mind has been on overdrive when I try to go to sleep these last nights, but tonight I think I will get to sleep pretty quickly. Anyway, no wine today, so all good.
Thanks Cate. I actually had a great night's sleep and woke up feeling really cosy in my bed this morning, without any feeling of impending doom hanging over me. So that's progress!
Day 19 - Thursday 19th January 2023 - Better Days Are Coming
Weight: 196.9 lbs (-3.1 lbs)
Body fat: 45.6% (-0.1%)
BMI: 30 (-0.4)
Finally - the encouragement I need! Definitely a push to keep up the swimming!
Food:
- orange juice; natural yoghurt and hazelnuts
- 2 coffees and milk
- branflakes and milk
- tea and milk
- glass of coke; 1 mikado biscuit
- 2 celebrations
- superfood salad of quinoa, chicken, goat's cheese, avocado and salad
- 10 jellies
- 6 chewing gums
- 1 bottle heineken zero
I didn't go too heavy on the eating today but I just haven't been hungry.
Exercise:
No time.
Cigarettes: 17
Summary:
I had a brilliant day today. Things are finally looking up. The good night's rest definitely helped and there's lots of other good stuff going on too. The weigh-in today was encouraging, as I need to go shopping at the weekend for a new work outfit, so at least I feel the scale is finally moving the way I want it to. And another evening of no wine! Yay!
Day 19 - Thursday 19th January 2023 - Better Days Are Coming
Weight: 196.9 lbs (-3.1 lbs)
Body fat: 45.6% (-0.1%)
BMI: 30 (-0.4)
Finally - the encouragement I need! Definitely a push to keep up the swimming!
Food:
- orange juice; natural yoghurt and hazelnuts
- 2 coffees and milk
- branflakes and milk
- tea and milk
- glass of coke; 1 mikado biscuit
- 2 celebrations
- superfood salad of quinoa, chicken, goat's cheese, avocado and salad
- 10 jellies
- 6 chewing gums
- 1 bottle heineken zero
I didn't go too heavy on the eating today but I just haven't been hungry.
Exercise:
No time.
Cigarettes: 17
Summary:
I had a brilliant day today. Things are finally looking up. The good night's rest definitely helped and there's lots of other good stuff going on too. The weigh-in today was encouraging, as I need to go shopping at the weekend for a new work outfit, so at least I feel the scale is finally moving the way I want it to. And another evening of no wine! Yay!
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Cate
Long term member
Well done, Em
Does sound like a great day. And wonderful about the scale going in the right direction and no wine! Good for you
Day 20 - Friday 20th January 2023 - Back to My Old Tricks
Weight: 196.6 lbs (-3.4 lbs)
Body fat: 45.7% (-)
BMI: 30 (-0.4)
Body fat back up, which is incredibly annoying, but that's because I'm not doing enough exercise. Weight down another little bit today - good! I hope it continues to melt off! It's time!
Food:
- orange juice; 2 milk trays
- branflakes and milk
- 2 coffees and milk; tea and milk
- 20 jellies
- sweet chilli chicken wrap
- love herbal tea
- 4 chewing gums
- 2 cans of gin and tonic
- bottle of white wine (13.5%)
- small bottle of white wine (12%)
I've completely gone off food and I'm back on the wine tonight. Bad day.
Exercise:
No.
Cigarettes: 14
Summary:
Work turned into a disaster today. I handled a situation that I was upset about really badly. Something happened that really upset me, and it was like I was standing in front of a control panel with two buttons in front of me - one button read, 'Let It Go' and the other read 'Drama Option.' And of course I went for the drama option. Anyway, it was a learning opportunity for me, because I think when this situation arises again, I'll make the better choice of 'Let It Go.'
I'm going to try not to be too hard on myself about this, because I can see other areas of my life where I have really grown and improved. But today, I felt left out by the team - 4 of them went to lunch without me, and only kind of mentioned it as an afterthought - and that is my Achilles' heel. Feeling left out is the worst feeling in the world for me. (Root cause: Bullying in primary school.) So I tend to really lash out when it happens in my adult life. Sigh. The 'Let It Go' button is really the superior solution.
I've also developed an inappropriate crush again, which is also spiraling me towards the 'Full Drama Option', a level up from what happened today. It's also really making me want to lose the weight quickly, which I think is what is suppressing my appetite. So, is it so bad to like someone who is very much not available? The thing is, he texted me last night - not anything saucy or anything, but it was after 11pm, and I was kind of like, 'Hmm...' He's a very handsome man. Ugh. Anyway. If knowing him helps me get back to optimal shape, then that's a win in my book!!
Weight: 196.6 lbs (-3.4 lbs)
Body fat: 45.7% (-)
BMI: 30 (-0.4)
Body fat back up, which is incredibly annoying, but that's because I'm not doing enough exercise. Weight down another little bit today - good! I hope it continues to melt off! It's time!
Food:
- orange juice; 2 milk trays
- branflakes and milk
- 2 coffees and milk; tea and milk
- 20 jellies
- sweet chilli chicken wrap
- love herbal tea
- 4 chewing gums
- 2 cans of gin and tonic
- bottle of white wine (13.5%)
- small bottle of white wine (12%)
I've completely gone off food and I'm back on the wine tonight.
Bad day.Exercise:
No.
Cigarettes: 14
Summary:
Work turned into a disaster today. I handled a situation that I was upset about really badly. Something happened that really upset me, and it was like I was standing in front of a control panel with two buttons in front of me - one button read, 'Let It Go' and the other read 'Drama Option.' And of course I went for the drama option. Anyway, it was a learning opportunity for me, because I think when this situation arises again, I'll make the better choice of 'Let It Go.'
I'm going to try not to be too hard on myself about this, because I can see other areas of my life where I have really grown and improved. But today, I felt left out by the team - 4 of them went to lunch without me, and only kind of mentioned it as an afterthought - and that is my Achilles' heel. Feeling left out is the worst feeling in the world for me. (Root cause: Bullying in primary school.) So I tend to really lash out when it happens in my adult life. Sigh. The 'Let It Go' button is really the superior solution.
I've also developed an inappropriate crush again, which is also spiraling me towards the 'Full Drama Option', a level up from what happened today. It's also really making me want to lose the weight quickly, which I think is what is suppressing my appetite. So, is it so bad to like someone who is very much not available? The thing is, he texted me last night - not anything saucy or anything, but it was after 11pm, and I was kind of like, 'Hmm...' He's a very handsome man. Ugh. Anyway. If knowing him helps me get back to optimal shape, then that's a win in my book!!
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Sorry to hear you had some trouble at work and felt left out of things. Not a good feeling...
That's good. Yes we all have areas we continually need to work on and that's ok...good to go easy on ourselves and just keep trying!
Thanks Liza.
Day 21 - Saturday 21st January 2023 - Toilet Trouble
Food:
- litre of coke
- glass of coke
- 2 glasses of milk
- banana
- sweet chilli chicken wrap
- fish and chips with mushy peas, sauce and ketchup
- tea and milk; mini chocolate pot
- 10 pistachios
- 4 chewing gums
I had a very sick stomach today and felt very unwell after lunch. Appetite still not really back. I spent a large percentage of the day on the toilet so maybe I will see more movement on the scales tomorrow. Silver linings, eh?
Exercise:
I wanted to go for a swim this evening but I'm just too tired.
Cigarettes: 8
Summary:
I've broken up two packets of cigarettes today because I'm kind of looking around at my life today and I know that stopping smoking is the fastest way to start feeling better about things. So I broke up a pack this morning, then panicked and bought more, and I've just smoked two now and broken up the packet again. It's already 3 weeks into 2023 and I want things to get better!
Yesterday was kind of eye-opening in a sense, because I'm kind of choosing the path of misery, and it doesn't have to be like that at all. I really have so much to be grateful for, and I'm just wallowing about a life that doesn't exist anymore. I have a good job, I'm doing loads of stuff that I love to do, I have loads of lovely people in my life that are looking out for me and trying to help me... What's it all about?
I met two of the tennis ladies for lunch today. One of them is going through hell and she told me she started seeing a counsellor. Maybe it's something to think about if I can't change. I want to change, I really do. But wanting isn't enough. Steps have to be taken! There's an amazing life waiting for me just around the corner, but I'm resisting it. I really am. And I'm tired of the self-sabotage. So, let's see how I feel tomorrow once fully recovered. One thing's for sure - I am getting up in the morning and going for a run. And I'll take the rest from there.
Day 21 - Saturday 21st January 2023 - Toilet Trouble
Food:
- litre of coke
- glass of coke
- 2 glasses of milk
- banana
- sweet chilli chicken wrap
- fish and chips with mushy peas, sauce and ketchup
- tea and milk; mini chocolate pot
- 10 pistachios
- 4 chewing gums
I had a very sick stomach today and felt very unwell after lunch. Appetite still not really back. I spent a large percentage of the day on the toilet so maybe I will see more movement on the scales tomorrow. Silver linings, eh?
Exercise:
I wanted to go for a swim this evening but I'm just too tired.
Cigarettes: 8
Summary:
I've broken up two packets of cigarettes today because I'm kind of looking around at my life today and I know that stopping smoking is the fastest way to start feeling better about things. So I broke up a pack this morning, then panicked and bought more, and I've just smoked two now and broken up the packet again. It's already 3 weeks into 2023 and I want things to get better!
Yesterday was kind of eye-opening in a sense, because I'm kind of choosing the path of misery, and it doesn't have to be like that at all. I really have so much to be grateful for, and I'm just wallowing about a life that doesn't exist anymore. I have a good job, I'm doing loads of stuff that I love to do, I have loads of lovely people in my life that are looking out for me and trying to help me... What's it all about?
I met two of the tennis ladies for lunch today. One of them is going through hell and she told me she started seeing a counsellor. Maybe it's something to think about if I can't change. I want to change, I really do. But wanting isn't enough. Steps have to be taken! There's an amazing life waiting for me just around the corner, but I'm resisting it. I really am. And I'm tired of the self-sabotage. So, let's see how I feel tomorrow once fully recovered. One thing's for sure - I am getting up in the morning and going for a run. And I'll take the rest from there.
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Hope you're feeling better...oh man that brings me back--so many cigarettes I broke in determination to quit... and then bought more....BUT eventually I did quit and I have faith you will too if you stay determined.
It does sound like you have a lot of positive things going...
I hope the run was lovely!
Thank you for that. I failed again today but I know I will get there and I know it's going to be this year.
Day 22 - Sunday 22nd January 2023 - The Weight is Melting Off
Weight: 196.5 lbs (-3.5 lbs)
Body fat: 45.7% (-)
BMI: 29.9 (-0.5)
How glorious it is to be back in the overweight category. I haven't felt this determined about weight loss in a long time. I just want to fit into all my clothes again. I keep picturing the weight melting off. It's gonna happen!
Food:
- 5 jellies
- 2 chewing gums
- 2 cups of tea and milk
- 2 cappuccinos
- lemon and ginger tea
- penguin bar
- buckwheat porridge with goji berries, hazelnuts and milk
- chicken and sweet potato soup; 2 slices of toast with butter and cheese
- 2 digestive biscuits
Bit of a picky day but I'm a bit hungry now so not too crazy.
Exercise:
3k run
Cigarettes: 10
Summary:
Good day. Spent some time at home, got that run in, worked a bit on drama stuff. I have a horrible cold sore on my lip, but other than that, all is good and no toilet trouble today. Looking forward to a good week ahead.
Cate
Long term member
Seeing a counsellor may just be the key to you switching things around, Em & may be the catalyst for positive change. You're on the cusp!
Sounds good! Always nice if we can look forward to a good week ahead rather than dreading it!
- Thanks Cate. Yeah, not sure about a counsellor really. I just don't think it will do much for me.
- Thanks Liza.
Things have been hectic and this is the first evening I've had the energy or time to write in here. I'm suffering from a bit of a confidence crisis at the moment. When I was in secondary school and for a long time after that, I used to get embarrassed really, really easily. And unfortunately, it's started to come back again lately. It's really awful. I've become more aware of it because I'm seeing myself on the camera during work calls all red in the face! It's exasperating because I thought I'd overcome it, and it seems like I'm regressing. Sigh. It's just making things a little bit tricky for me at the moment. I'm getting embarrassed over any little thing!
I was away for a work meeting last week and I noticed that one of the other women in the room during the discussion looked a bit red in the face and then it's like I absorbed it and started getting really red myself! It's just mad stuff altogether. And I'm doing a lot of public speaking/speaking in front of a group with work and drama at the moment, so this is not the time for this thing to be reemerging! It just shows how low my confidence is at the moment.
I'm probably not doing enough exercise, which definitely helps to combat that, but I haven't had a huge amount of energy, and I'm a bit time-poor in the evenings at present. Gah, it's all feeling a bit difficult right now! But maybe this is all part of that skin-shedding dream, and I have to go backwards a little before I can really make that giant leap forward.
Work is also a bit tricky right now - the wolves are circling. There are a few people on the team that I really don't trust and where I actually don't understand what's gone wrong with them. We have someone coming back next week who I've always liked, but she tends to befriend whatever 'clique' is in, and I can just see two of the others ganging up with her, and making life a bit hard for me. This all sounds paranoid, but I don't think I'm wrong about the vibes I'm getting. Hopefully, I am.
Anyway, I wish I had better news. Haha.
- Thanks Liza.
Things have been hectic and this is the first evening I've had the energy or time to write in here. I'm suffering from a bit of a confidence crisis at the moment. When I was in secondary school and for a long time after that, I used to get embarrassed really, really easily. And unfortunately, it's started to come back again lately. It's really awful. I've become more aware of it because I'm seeing myself on the camera during work calls all red in the face! It's exasperating because I thought I'd overcome it, and it seems like I'm regressing. Sigh. It's just making things a little bit tricky for me at the moment. I'm getting embarrassed over any little thing!
I was away for a work meeting last week and I noticed that one of the other women in the room during the discussion looked a bit red in the face and then it's like I absorbed it and started getting really red myself! It's just mad stuff altogether. And I'm doing a lot of public speaking/speaking in front of a group with work and drama at the moment, so this is not the time for this thing to be reemerging! It just shows how low my confidence is at the moment.
I'm probably not doing enough exercise, which definitely helps to combat that, but I haven't had a huge amount of energy, and I'm a bit time-poor in the evenings at present. Gah, it's all feeling a bit difficult right now! But maybe this is all part of that skin-shedding dream, and I have to go backwards a little before I can really make that giant leap forward.
Work is also a bit tricky right now - the wolves are circling. There are a few people on the team that I really don't trust and where I actually don't understand what's gone wrong with them. We have someone coming back next week who I've always liked, but she tends to befriend whatever 'clique' is in, and I can just see two of the others ganging up with her, and making life a bit hard for me. This all sounds paranoid, but I don't think I'm wrong about the vibes I'm getting. Hopefully, I am.
Anyway, I wish I had better news. Haha.
Hey Emilyrose,
I have been wondering how you've been...sorry to hear that things are feeling a bit difficult. I've had that same red-face problem in the past so I can relate how it's self-conscious making...and then feeling self-conscious about it seems to add to it. All my emotions are easily read by people...definitely not a poker face here! but yeah it always felt the most embarrassing when people would actually point out my red face when embarrassed--what a way to make it worse! I still get it from time to time, and i hate it!
Anyways I hope all the work issues improve and that you can get out and play some tennis or something soon...i can imagine how that would be a great help to cope with all the stress.
Big hug!
I have been wondering how you've been...sorry to hear that things are feeling a bit difficult. I've had that same red-face problem in the past so I can relate how it's self-conscious making...and then feeling self-conscious about it seems to add to it. All my emotions are easily read by people...definitely not a poker face here! but yeah it always felt the most embarrassing when people would actually point out my red face when embarrassed--what a way to make it worse! I still get it from time to time, and i hate it!
Anyways I hope all the work issues improve and that you can get out and play some tennis or something soon...i can imagine how that would be a great help to cope with all the stress.
Big hug!