Emily Rose: The Reboot

EmilyRose I can relate to the "numbing" especially with stress or anxiety. The more I've cut down on my eating the more I have started smoking. Its great that you're getting to the route of things. Well done and thanks for sharing.
 
Numbing unpleasant feelings is why I originally gained a lot of weight - and why it became easier to lose it after therapy. This time I want to forget about the forlornness and monotony of pandemic times. It feels a lot better to block them out with activity but it's still just that: blocking it out. And once my energy runs out the feelings catch up because they're things I can't change. Maybe I should paint pictures or write stories about them to give them a quiet place in my head.
 
- Hey Laura, thanks for dropping by. I definitely feel my brain expanding from these new ideas in a good way. I hope some change starts to come from it. Like everything, it will probably take more time than I'd like. :)
- Hi LaMa. I understand the idea of blocking the pain out with activity, but that has the advantage of actually being good for your body too! I saw a guy sketching when I went for my walk in the woods yesterday. Maybe you should try it!

Today, a lot of the worries I had in my job were taken away. A meeting that I have to do a lot of prep and reports for was moved, buying me more time. I got good feedback on one of the items I was working on. I have a solid plan for tomorrow and the rest of the week should be enjoyable enough. We also had a collective laugh as a team over a silly email that was sent around to everyone, meant to 'inspire'. Lol, I got a kick out of it. It inspired in a different way than intended, :p.

I met a friend for a walk this evening. I actually think I prefer going by myself. That makes me sound so contrary, but she brought her dog with her, and he was fighting with other dogs, and it was really hard to have a proper conversation with her. I'm not sure how relaxed I felt after it. Still, it would probably be nice to walk with her once a week or so, just to keep up communication and not be a complete loner.

I often feel under pressure from friends to have a 'plan' - they obviously just want to know what I think about life and where I want to go. Not in a bad way. But of course I often come away from these conversations feeling like I am lacking in some way. Anyway, I've decided to reframe the whole thing in my mind. I am on a journey of discovery. I don't necessarily let everyone in on the things I am discovering. It is personal. I don't want to talk about pain and suffering and all the negatives, although I am sure they seep through at times. But I do know that I am making progress, I am gaining so much knowledge about myself, about the human experience, and this is something that has always fascinated me. If I feel a bit deflated sometimes because I don't have 'things' to talk about, that's okay too. I just feel I'm on a different plane at times.

Unfortunately, I ended up in a very upsetting phone call this evening with a former member of the drama group who had a falling out with a committee member. Absolutely nothing to do with me, she acknowledged that we have never had an issue on the call, and she said that I was always honest and to the point with her, which was a really nice thing to hear. It's really great when how you feel about yourself is echoed back at you. This is not always the case, unfortunately. Anyway, I felt like the call was a 'shoot the messenger' situation, but by the end, we were on good terms, and I think it's okay. Just one of those things.

Housemate is definitely not moving out and no update from the landlord. I am not sure how to proceed. I don't really feel like calling the landlord again. I am thinking to just ignore the situation, 'live and let live' for now, and see if we can have some sort of peaceful arrangement going forward. I will start taking back territory soon though. And that might cause another outburst. But look, if it's okay for now, then I will go with that. Peace and harmony, that is what we are aiming for.
 
I've been listening to Paul Simon's Graceland album quite a lot this week. What a beautiful, uplifting, fantastic album it is. 'Graceland' is definitely one of my favourite songs of all time. It's just perfect. It's sad, but also has an element of moving on from that sadness - I've reason to believe we all will be received in Graceland. Finding grace and joy again you might say. Paul Simon is an absolute genius.


YouTube has got so annoying with the amount of ads allowed now. It's out of control. There, that's my main gripe for today, haha.

My mum got her first dose of vaccine! Yay! I called out this evening. She's still sad, but in a way that she is able to hold a proper conversation and engage with me. At the start of March, this was not the case. I am hopeful that she will get through this. It must be a shock to suddenly be struck down with all these horrible feelings and emotions, to the point where you just can't continue as normal. I honestly feel that I am prepared for anything at this stage.

I'm having a very bad week emotionally. I think it is absolutely because there is a void now that the play distracted me from for the last while. Luckily, tennis will be back to save the day very soon.

I don't know if the woodland walks are helping, but I am determined to get to 30 days in a row. I think when I finish, I will start a new 30 day challenge. I haven't decided what that will be yet. Probably yoga. I'm disappointed that it's not helping me lose weight, but I guess it's stopping me from piling it on, so it's something. My body is fat but it still looks healthy (to my eyes anyway) and I still have a good bit of muscle. If I could just calm down on the eating the smallest bit, I think there's a great body waiting to come out and play. I don't know why I won't let myself be free and happy. It's so annoying.

I'm going to watch the first episode of The Witcher now. I'm going to marry Henry Cavill someday. Adios amigos. xx
 
I have always loved Graceland but played it so much when it first came out that I only very occasionally do now. The harmony is beautiful.
Does your Mum get out and about even just for a walk, Em? I'm glad she's starting to improve.
I'm not having a great week emotionally either, so haven't felt up to offering much support to anyone. I'm seeing a new doc on Monday & am going to get a referral for some counselling. I think these times are making people more anxious but it would be good to find some new coping skills. It seems to get harder with age, rather than easier.
 
Emilyrose said:
...Paul Simon is an absolute genius.
Click to expand...
i was working in New Jersey in 1981.... on a quiet September morning i was out on my tiny porch when my eye caught a full page ad in the Asbury Park Press that announced a free concert in Central Park. at nearly the same time, my neighbor was walking up to her apartment so i asked her if she felt like taking a drive. ...quite a memorable day.
 
- Thanks LaMa.
- Hi Cate. Yes, she goes out for a walk every day now. There was a time after Christmas where she wasn't even doing that much, but I've basically told her she has to. I think that's great that you are reaching out for help now, rather than waiting around. Way better to nip it in the bud if possible. It's been an incredibly trying, anxious time. And I always feel your support, don't worry. :grouphug:
- Thanks for sharing that lovely memory OLF. :) Made me smile.

I had a Good Day today.

I slept for 11 hours last night, which is crazy, but I also drank a bottle of wine 3 nights in a row - also crazy. At least my subconscious is still looking after me and basically put me into a coma while it tried to repair my broken nervous system.

Our brains are mad. I guess the more I am reading about them, the more fascinating they get. My favourite thing ever is the way that the subconscious mind heals cuts or bruises without you even having to think about it. I have an amazingly nice dentist, and she said something that really stuck with me the last time I was there. I have gingivitis and inflamed gums constantly, because of the smoking (that she knows about) and the crazy amounts of wine and sugar (which she doesn't). Anyway, she told me that it's really bad for your body having to constantly fight that inflammation every day. Imagine the amount of cells in my body constantly working in the background to basically keep my teeth from falling out, and I'm just still following the same unhealthy pattern and know nothing about this ongoing battle in my mouth? It's actually terrifying, I'm going to put that thought on the time-out step.

Anyway, back to the good day. Woke up after 9, felt great. Went for a 5k run. Came home, made scrambled eggs and toast. Went for my woodland walk, really enjoyed it. The sketching guy was there again today. Drove to the beach, swam in the sea. Found a lost pair of sunglasses in the sand - a woman had been searching for them earlier, and I gave them to a family that had been helping her look. They told me they had her number and they'd phone her to say they'd been found. Happy with that!

The sea was cold but it was lovely and invigorating. I felt fantastic afterwards. I went home and my aunt had come to visit, so we had a really nice salad and tea and apple tart and a nice chat. It felt like old times. It really gave my mum a boost. I came back to my house and watched Eat Pray Love, really enjoyed it.

The 5k restriction being lifted means that beach and sea swim can be added to the itinerary every Saturday until September. So exciting. :)
 
Sounds like a lovely day, glad to hear it. It IS fascinating to think of all the things our body does in the background without us even knowing about it. Imagine if we had to actively guide digestion!
 
Haha, I don't want to imagine that LaMa. It's a messy business. ;)

I had a good enough day today. I powered through a lot of work in the morning, took a late (short) lunch, then kind of ran out of steam. So I should probably just take my lunch hour tomorrow and not feel bad about that. Why do I feel bad about hours that are owed to me? I guess because my colleague today never really takes lunch, but then I'm like, that's her choice, what am I trying to prove exactly? Anyway, today was busy, so it's also okay to not take a longer lunch sometimes too. The fact that this is clearly a debate in my head is baffling to me.

I left work, it's been dull and quietly raining all day, but I did Woodland Walk Day 21! Whoop whoop. On the homeward stretch. Speaking of stretch, when this is completed, I think I will take up 30 days of yoga as the next 'challenge'. I quite like having a challenge. I think I like the gamification of my life, which I know is what apps are designed to do. But I guess I like meaningless goals that keep me busy. And my thighs are quite toned now, so that's an added bonus.

Dad rang me earlier, and said that my mum had gone to bed this evening and hadn't got up to take her tablet, which means that she must have fallen asleep!!! Very exciting. I think if she can just break through this bad patch, she'll probably sleep for a week and be back to normal. I really hope and pray that she is actually getting an amazing night's sleep right now.

I also did a meditation meeting tonight on Skype. I used to go in person back when that was a thing. I just feel I needed it. It was about an hour and 10 minutes, and they meet on a Friday night as well. I've signed up for that one this week also. I didn't find the meditation that easy and was kind of hoping it would end for most of it, if I'm being honest. But I did feel like my head felt better afterwards. So I will keep at it.
 
Fingers crossed your mom is still sound asleep as I type this! If you feel guilty about taking your owed breaks again remember that you're more productive and clear-headed when you do take enough rest. The reason breaks exist isn't just workers' rights.
 
Thanks LaMa. She actually wasn't asleep at all, how disappointing! I did visit last night, and we had the usual arguments that we would always have, so that is a great sign! I was encouraging her to go back playing golf and she was back to her obstinate, opinionated self about going back to golf when she was ready! I was so happy to be arguing with her again, haha!

But, seriously, my aunt that visited last week has 3 daughters, and she said they are always giving her a hard time (to my mum), and I think it's great to have a sounding board that is completely honest with you, and that to me is what the mother/daughter relationship is all about. My mum was back on form yesterday evening when I visited, in terms of disapproving of my leggings (''Are you not too hot in those?''), taking my housemate's side in every scenario (''Well, that's the way she's chosen to deal with it'') and just being generally annoying and back to being the mother I love. The fact that she was able to engage with me in this way was amazing! It might sound like a negative thing - it isn't! I enjoy this back and forth with her. I don't want panderers. She is a great person for me to discuss things with, she always has been, and she's starting to gain enough energy to be able to do that for me. It was a really great sign that she is awakening from this sadness.

I finally got my car fixed - thrilled! and it didn't cost me too much. I'm definitely noticing the payrise I got in September more and more. I finally have some money saved, and I'm getting through the month without having to worry too much about buying that extra coffee or whatever. My dad was driving me around the last few days, and we were talking about the coronavirus in India, and how it seems more agreeable to be in a population of 5 million as opposed to 1.2 billion (if my memory serves). My dad was talking about the impoverished there living on a bowl of rice a day. I said that I feel it's better to have the problem of resisting too much food, rather than trying to find it. In conclusion: I am lucky to have this problem. I've never had to worry about my next meal even for one day of my life. And I treat it like it's a problem. What a ridiculous mode of living I am in. And yet, here we are. It's still a problem.

I did a meditation meeting tonight, it was really great. Loads of happy images of my future came into my head, and they all seemed real and possible and kind of like they'd already happened in some weird way. I had a great one of me being in my 60s, wearing glasses at a podium and giving a talk. It didn't make me sad to be old. It seemed amazing that I had so much to say and so much life experience and knowledge gathered up to share. It made me optimistic about the future, instead of being sad that I'm not so young anymore. But hey, for now, I'm still young. Bring on the next Roaring 20s!!!
 
:beating: I love this post. Great to hear your mom has some energy back! I'd loathe arguing with my mom like that but not everyone has to live life the way I do :rotflmao:
 
Thanks LaMa. She was a lot better this weekend as well. She had her best night's sleep in a while last night, which is fantastic.

The house situation has gotten worse - a solicitor's letter has been sent from my housemate to the landlord, so the whole thing is a big mess, and I should probably leave the sinking ship as quickly as I can. I have to meet the landlord with the other tenant during the week. After that meeting, I will decide on my next move. I don't want to be around that woman any more - the fact that she's fighting it means she isn't going anywhere - and I think I'd probably be a lot happier if I moved on. The house is great, the rent is great, but I opened up a can of worms when I complained about her. I should probably have stuck to my guns and just moved out then when I said I would. I'll pay my rent for May and start looking again. That's probably the best thing to do. I'm disappointed about it, but I honestly think that my housemate has a huge chip on her shoulder, she's angry with the world, and I don't want to be around that anger and negativity anymore.

I feel sorry for my landlord now because it's caused a huge problem - I really hope they manage to work it out, but I don't have to be waiting around for that resolution. There's obviously somewhere else that I should be right now. This is definitely not the place.

I had a very sleepy weekend - just felt knackered, slept loads and loads and loads. I wanted to get up earlier today and go to the beach, because the weather has been fantastic, and I just couldn't. It's not a depressed kind of sleeping, it's a real healing sleep. I told my mum about the meditation meeting, she's going to try it out tomorrow night. I have a drama club meet-up, so I can't go to it, but that should be beneficial in a different way. There's a few new people attending tomorrow, always interesting to see what they will bring to the table. And the Oscars are on tonight! I haven't seen a lot of the films this year. Promising Young Woman is on my watchlist, I love Carey Mulligan, I hope she wins. I started watching Mare of Eastwood last night, Kate Winslet and Guy Pearce are in it, two of my favourite actors. I enjoyed it, and it's only released weekly, which is way better than the binge.

Anyway, that's it for me, weight loss still not happening, but fix the mind, fix the body! That's the immediate plan!!
 
Don't feel too sorry for your landlady: that's just part of the job and she very likely makes enough money to make it worthwhile.
Yay for your mom and slowly increasing sleep! Also great to hear that the drama meetimgs are starting up again.
 
What LaMa said!
Stand tall in your meeting with the landlord & your housemate. You have not done anything wrong as far as I can see.
Glad your drama group is having a meetup & also glad your Mum is doing better.
 
- Thanks LaMa. I have another meeting with her tomorrow, which I'm a little bit anxious about. I just want to be done with this shit.
- Thanks Cate.

Well, I did 30 days of my woodland walk challenge! :party:
I will probably never walk in those woods again. :p

What I liked about the challenge is that it proved that if I set myself a goal and a timeframe, I can stick to it.
What I didn't like is that I found the challenge unbelieveably boring after a while - 30 days of doing the same walk is probably too much, even a really lovely walk like that one. 3 times a week would be more than enough. I also haven't lost a gram since I started it, which is the really disappointing part. I'm definitely toned (under the fat), and it's kept my fitness levels up to a degree that the last two days of tennis haven't been too strenuous. But I am so relieved to not have to do that walk tomorrow!

Since we are still in pandemic times, I'm going to set myself another 30-day challenge starting tomorrow and see how I get on.
The goal will be... *drumroll please*
30 days of yoga and an additional challenge of social smoking and drinking only. Part 2 will be considerably trickier than part 1, but I'm hoping that the yoga (plus all the tennis I'll be playing) will keep me on track.

Speaking of tennis... I'm back baby! I played Dad yesterday and a really nice woman this evening. I actually beat Dad and I lost today 3-6, but it wasn't too bad for my first week back. I'm scheduled to play again tomorrow and Friday, and I have Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday for next week already pencilled in.

After I came home last night and had my shower and was relaxing in bed with a few sore muscles, I felt such a great sense of well-being. It was amazing. It feels really good to hit something for an hour!! I've needed that, haha. :) And Hot Italian Guy was at the court today. I've missed seeing nice men!! He looked good. He said hi. It's a work in progress, lol.
 
I think if you set yourself a positive goal, ie a doing something goal, it is not as hard as a negative goal, ie not drinking or smoking which is much, much harder to achieve. It feels like you are taking something away & punishing yourself, instead of doing something good.
Yay for tennis & seeing hot guys & feeling better about yourself. Tennis seems to be so, so good for you :)
 
- Thanks LaMa. It was cancelled in the end.
- Yeah, I failed on both parts of the goal today Cate. Well really, I just didn't bother starting either of them. I need to do the yoga one at least, I am aching a lot from the tennis this evening.

I've had a good week so far - the tennis has really boosted my mood. It is good for me Cate, definitely. :) It's the perfect combination of running, hitting stuff, chatting... It's fab. I was a bit worried about today's game, because the woman I played against today is really good, and I thought it could be an absolute disaster. I don't feel embarrassed when someone completely outclasses me on the court, but I don't like wasting people's time either (and when you play against someone at a far lower standard than you, you don't get any workout at all). Anyway, my fears were unfounded - she beat me 6-2 and we finished the second set at 5-2 to her before our time was up. But, I had moments of brilliance, we had some lovely rallies and went to deuce for a lot of games, so I was happy. When I am on it, I am really on it. She said one of my returns was like trying to return a rock and that I am really strong. Which was cool. I am really strong. Hahaha. In some ways anyway.

I have a house viewing this weekend. The guy emailed me asking for a 'bio', which kind of pissed me off, so I turned the tables a little bit and outlined what I want in a housemate. I just said that I didn't want to live in a house full of rules and regulations, and wanted the place to be easy-going. I thought that might put him off me viewing it, but he came back with a really nice email and he seems like a normal chap. I'm meant to view the place over the weekend sometime, so he said he'd let me know but that we should go 'onward'. The ball is in his court now. (Pun, lol.)

I am a bit worried because the rent is so much higher, but I think peace of mind and a relaxed home life is far more important than a couple of hundred euro. I can afford it, and the extra money I spend on crap anyway, so it's all good. I spoke to my nicer housemate tonight about her thoughts on the whole thing - she's adamant that she will be staying in the house, regardless of what happens. She doesn't seem to find it as upsetting as I do, to have this person with so much anger and control issues constantly in her presence. I find that really interesting. And it's not like they haven't had some run-ins - they have. I just can't be around this negative energy anymore.

I remember a girl I used to share with accused me once of being really negative. I felt really upset about it at the time. I felt like I needed to change to make her like me more. I started to second guess myself - am I really negative? Am I bringing everyone down when I'm around? Now, I realise she didn't know what the fuck she was talking about. I am not always happy but I do try my best and I do think that ultimately I am a glass half full person. She's just had a baby, and I was considering texting her to say congratulations, but I'm not going to. I think about that and wonder does it mean I am bitter and full of rage. I don't think so. I am so happy for her and her husband - she had a hard time and this is a wonderful gift for her family. But, I have to draw a line somewhere in the way I think a friend should be a friend. It doesn't mean that I'm right. But it's how I feel.
 
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