Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
Alexistrophic
Member
Love this mental shift, Emily! Absolutely true - release those vices. Or a piece of wisdom from another diary: "free the mind and the ass will follow." This will become my new mantra.
(and I just caught the Father Ted reference...
)
(and I just caught the Father Ted reference...
)- I hadn't considered that LaMa, haha.
- Hi Cate. Thanks. I'm not sure really.
- I love that piece of wisdom Alexis! Glad to find another Father Ted fan!
Day 9 - I Continue to Upset People
Sleep: 9 hr 41 min
Sleep Score: 81
RHR: 61
Cardio Fitness: Average to Good 32-36
Weight: 193.5 lbs
Body fat: 43.2%
BMI: 29.5
Food:
- orzo pasta, beetroot and bulgur wheat, bagel with cream cheese
- slice of toast, butter, 3 slices of chorizo, cheddar cheese
- apple, carrot, spinach and orange juice
- cappuccino
- orange smarties bar (90 g)
- cream cake
- bottle of white wine (13.5%)
- can of coke (330 ml)
Cigarettes: 12
Exercise:
- 8 km run
Thoughts:
It's been the week from hell. I don't even want to really talk about what went wrong in work yesterday or rehearsal today, but the fallout from housemate -
- this is a pretty good likeness - and my mother not being well has started to seep into the other areas of my life. I was once again in tears today. I can honestly say that I am having an awful time. And yes, I broke my promise, but hopefully, this will be the last time. It might not be - I don't know. I don't know what I'm at.
I haven't heard any news from the landlord on what action (if any) she will take against, and that's pretty annoying. It really bothers me that she wouldn't dream of apologising to me for the way she acted last weekend. I have made a couple of mean comments in the last few days - out of frustration with people using me as some kind of agony aunt (work friend) and people not being prepared (actor). I apologised to both of them. In relative terms, the level of anger I encountered from my housemate last weekend was so much worse. Do you think she has made one bit of effort to try to improve the situation and make this a nicer environment for me? Not a bit! It really makes me wonder how I can possibly survive here going forward.
And the thing is, if I move out, it's a victory for her. And I don't want to give her that. I am convinced she will get kicked out eventually.
It's interesting, I really hate the victim culture that is so pervasive today. I watched that Meghan Markle interview with Oprah, and while I empathised with her on certain elements of it (I would think the royal life is absolutely not all it's cracked up to be, despite the fact you're living in a fucking palace), at the same time, I also thought it was quite calculating, with accusations of racism and suicidal thoughts, which no one can argue with. Not everything is about race, and she got to leave that life after only a year and a half. Yet here she is complaining that her son isn't going to be a prince and they have to fork out for security, when they don't even live in the UK anymore.
My point is that I don't want to be constantly playing the victim card, and I guess between the girl at work and my housemate, it might seem like I am. But I genuinely keep coming up against these women that seem to have absolutely no respect for me and think they can treat me like I am nothing and I should just sit back and take it. Which is why I am disappointed at upsetting two other women in the last few days, because I don't want to make anyone feel bad about themselves. I really don't, and I am sorry for it, even if I can kind of justify the reasons a bit in my head.
When I was interviewed earlier in the week, the 'independent party' was suggesting I should just stand up for myself more when it comes to the house. He doesn't understand the very real, intense anger that I have been encountering week on week for months now. I think some of it has to do with the cleaning. I could suggest a cleaning rota to solve that issue. If Housemate is staying, I will suggest a house meeting with regards to that. But I think a lot of it is down to her, and her anger at the world. And I don't want to be a part of that world. I can't see how this will ever be resolved while we are both under one roof...
- Hi Cate. Thanks. I'm not sure really.
- I love that piece of wisdom Alexis! Glad to find another Father Ted fan!
Day 9 - I Continue to Upset People
Sleep: 9 hr 41 min
Sleep Score: 81
RHR: 61
Cardio Fitness: Average to Good 32-36
Weight: 193.5 lbs
Body fat: 43.2%
BMI: 29.5
Food:
- orzo pasta, beetroot and bulgur wheat, bagel with cream cheese
- slice of toast, butter, 3 slices of chorizo, cheddar cheese
- apple, carrot, spinach and orange juice
- cappuccino
- orange smarties bar (90 g)
- cream cake
- bottle of white wine (13.5%)
- can of coke (330 ml)
Cigarettes: 12
Exercise:
- 8 km run
Thoughts:
It's been the week from hell. I don't even want to really talk about what went wrong in work yesterday or rehearsal today, but the fallout from housemate -
- this is a pretty good likeness - and my mother not being well has started to seep into the other areas of my life. I was once again in tears today. I can honestly say that I am having an awful time. And yes, I broke my promise, but hopefully, this will be the last time. It might not be - I don't know. I don't know what I'm at.I haven't heard any news from the landlord on what action (if any) she will take against
, and that's pretty annoying. It really bothers me that she wouldn't dream of apologising to me for the way she acted last weekend. I have made a couple of mean comments in the last few days - out of frustration with people using me as some kind of agony aunt (work friend) and people not being prepared (actor). I apologised to both of them. In relative terms, the level of anger I encountered from my housemate last weekend was so much worse. Do you think she has made one bit of effort to try to improve the situation and make this a nicer environment for me? Not a bit! It really makes me wonder how I can possibly survive here going forward.And the thing is, if I move out, it's a victory for her. And I don't want to give her that. I am convinced she will get kicked out eventually.
It's interesting, I really hate the victim culture that is so pervasive today. I watched that Meghan Markle interview with Oprah, and while I empathised with her on certain elements of it (I would think the royal life is absolutely not all it's cracked up to be, despite the fact you're living in a fucking palace), at the same time, I also thought it was quite calculating, with accusations of racism and suicidal thoughts, which no one can argue with. Not everything is about race, and she got to leave that life after only a year and a half. Yet here she is complaining that her son isn't going to be a prince and they have to fork out for security, when they don't even live in the UK anymore.
My point is that I don't want to be constantly playing the victim card, and I guess between the girl at work and my housemate, it might seem like I am. But I genuinely keep coming up against these women that seem to have absolutely no respect for me and think they can treat me like I am nothing and I should just sit back and take it. Which is why I am disappointed at upsetting two other women in the last few days, because I don't want to make anyone feel bad about themselves. I really don't, and I am sorry for it, even if I can kind of justify the reasons a bit in my head.
When I was interviewed earlier in the week, the 'independent party' was suggesting I should just stand up for myself more when it comes to the house. He doesn't understand the very real, intense anger that I have been encountering week on week for months now. I think some of it has to do with the cleaning. I could suggest a cleaning rota to solve that issue. If Housemate is staying, I will suggest a house meeting with regards to that. But I think a lot of it is down to her, and her anger at the world. And I don't want to be a part of that world. I can't see how this will ever be resolved while we are both under one roof...
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It does sound like a hard thing to come back from. Even if she suddenly improved by 80% the memories would keep niggling at you. I'm so sorry to hear the whole situation is making you feel bad in other situations as well but all I have is a hug :grouphug)
- Thanks LaMa. She appears to be on holidays and I have some freedom from her finally!
Whew. What a relief that my housemate is not around. It really feels like the air is different. I have got myself into such a state, constantly worrying if I cleaned the sink properly, made too much noise, etc. I feel like she'll be away till Sunday evening, which is fantastic. I don't think she's getting kicked out though, unfortunately. I'm surprised I haven't heard anything back on that yet, to be honest. I could ask my other housemate about it, but I didn't want to drag the mood down talking about the other housemate again last night, so I guess I will just have to wait and see.
The play proved extremely challenging tonight. I had a really long day, spent ages doing my hair and make-up, ran over my lines again, and then, because people were not prepared and making loads of mistakes, we had to move some of the recording to tomorrow night, and I didn't get to do my part at all. I gave out a little bit about it, then one of the actors complained about being 'pushed', and it really just made my blood boil. I mean, we have been working on this for weeks. She should be prepared at this stage. None of the stuff we've said was taken on board tonight. I hate whingers, but especially whingers who are not willing to put in the work themselves and try to blame it on you 'pushing' them.
On a similar thread, I talked to a girl in work today about a colleague that really annoyed me last week complaining about the menial tasks she has not been upgraded from, while not doing a very good job on the more interesting tasks she's been given to do. It's pure laziness and not being organised.
I have a lot of bad habits and annoying traits, but if I commit to do something, I get it done. I am prepared. I don't half-ass it and then complain when I don't get everything handed to me on a silver platter.
In fact, I think I reject a lot of the good things in my life sometimes because I don't feel like I've earned them. I feel I've been handed a lot of talents and good fortune in so many ways. But it's immensely satisfying to me when I take something like tennis for example, and I dedicate time playing for 4 or 5 hours a week, every week, which makes me better at it, and people comment on it, and I feel like I have fucking earned that nice comment. And it has nothing to do with having a pretty smile or long legs or anything that I just happen to have (and I love those things, don't get me wrong). But it's to do with the effort I have put into the thing.
And I just feel like people who commit but do not put the effort into the thing, and still complain and blame everyone other than themselves for it not going well, really pisses me off. I don't know how to keep my patience sometimes. And then you're the bad guy for losing your patience... Help!
Whew. What a relief that my housemate is not around. It really feels like the air is different. I have got myself into such a state, constantly worrying if I cleaned the sink properly, made too much noise, etc. I feel like she'll be away till Sunday evening, which is fantastic. I don't think she's getting kicked out though, unfortunately. I'm surprised I haven't heard anything back on that yet, to be honest. I could ask my other housemate about it, but I didn't want to drag the mood down talking about the other housemate again last night, so I guess I will just have to wait and see.
The play proved extremely challenging tonight. I had a really long day, spent ages doing my hair and make-up, ran over my lines again, and then, because people were not prepared and making loads of mistakes, we had to move some of the recording to tomorrow night, and I didn't get to do my part at all. I gave out a little bit about it, then one of the actors complained about being 'pushed', and it really just made my blood boil. I mean, we have been working on this for weeks. She should be prepared at this stage. None of the stuff we've said was taken on board tonight. I hate whingers, but especially whingers who are not willing to put in the work themselves and try to blame it on you 'pushing' them.
On a similar thread, I talked to a girl in work today about a colleague that really annoyed me last week complaining about the menial tasks she has not been upgraded from, while not doing a very good job on the more interesting tasks she's been given to do. It's pure laziness and not being organised.
I have a lot of bad habits and annoying traits, but if I commit to do something, I get it done. I am prepared. I don't half-ass it and then complain when I don't get everything handed to me on a silver platter.
In fact, I think I reject a lot of the good things in my life sometimes because I don't feel like I've earned them. I feel I've been handed a lot of talents and good fortune in so many ways. But it's immensely satisfying to me when I take something like tennis for example, and I dedicate time playing for 4 or 5 hours a week, every week, which makes me better at it, and people comment on it, and I feel like I have fucking earned that nice comment. And it has nothing to do with having a pretty smile or long legs or anything that I just happen to have (and I love those things, don't get me wrong). But it's to do with the effort I have put into the thing.
And I just feel like people who commit but do not put the effort into the thing, and still complain and blame everyone other than themselves for it not going well, really pisses me off. I don't know how to keep my patience sometimes. And then you're the bad guy for losing your patience... Help!
Glad to hear you've got a bit of a respite from housemate at least!
About the effort vs entitlement problem... I'm afraid I'm known IRL as someone who's equal parts socially awkward, sarcastic, and blunt, with a soul-destroyer stare when people get on my nerves even though I try my best to be polite. So I don't really get people complain to me that often - at least not the same people twice.
About the effort vs entitlement problem... I'm afraid I'm known IRL as someone who's equal parts socially awkward, sarcastic, and blunt, with a soul-destroyer stare when people get on my nerves even though I try my best to be polite. So I don't really get people complain to me that often - at least not the same people twice.
- Thanks LaMa. I don't mind listening to people's stories or complaints up to a point. But if it gets to the stage where I feel they are the creator of their own doom, and just want to rattle on about it, it's really annoying. There is a beautiful cadence in a good friendship that comes where you can balance complaining with sharing joyful moments, and you both listen to each other. It can move from friend to friend, but it's really great when you find that rhythm.
- Ha, thanks Cate.
I had such an amazing feeling tonight. One of the guys cut an amazing trailer for the play, and the last few months we spent on this project suddenly seemed justified. He did such a great job. I've had a tingly feeling and a smile on my face for hours.
I also did my scene tonight - I have reviewed the tapes. Being one of the harshest and most judgemental critics of all time, I felt that I did a good job. Hahaha. I actually feel so proud of the woman I am (in general). I mean, there's work to be done, God knows. But I have an inner strength now that I think I've always had, but I felt too shy or insecure to allow to blossom.
This might sound obnoxious, but I definitely feel I've tried to make myself small so that people will like me. And I've probably learnt a lot about what is actually valuable on this earth, compared to when I was a kid, and I have a better balance between my desire to entertain and be admired, and my understanding about taking other people into consideration too! But I am absolutely thrilled with how tonight went. I got so many genuine compliments from the gang, and, as I mentioned in my post yesterday, I feel like I earned them, and I am delighting in them.
On a sadder note, Mum is still not good. I started googling chronic insomnia today, and none of the things I found gave me any comfort. I honestly think I'm going to have to get pregnant to sort her out. I would just tell her that she has 9 months to get her shit together!!! Because I am so self-centred at times, I did ask her if me turning 35 with no grandchildren for her on the horizon was upsetting her. She said that it had nothing to do with it, and as long as I am happy, she is happy for me. But I wonder sometimes...
There's a sleep clinic in Dublin which is super-expensive, but I think between the three of us we could afford it. (Both of my parents are retired and I am not exactly on big money). I think that is the next step if things don't improve. I want my mum back.
- Ha, thanks Cate.
I had such an amazing feeling tonight. One of the guys cut an amazing trailer for the play, and the last few months we spent on this project suddenly seemed justified. He did such a great job. I've had a tingly feeling and a smile on my face for hours.
I also did my scene tonight - I have reviewed the tapes. Being one of the harshest and most judgemental critics of all time, I felt that I did a good job. Hahaha. I actually feel so proud of the woman I am (in general). I mean, there's work to be done, God knows. But I have an inner strength now that I think I've always had, but I felt too shy or insecure to allow to blossom.
This might sound obnoxious, but I definitely feel I've tried to make myself small so that people will like me. And I've probably learnt a lot about what is actually valuable on this earth, compared to when I was a kid, and I have a better balance between my desire to entertain and be admired, and my understanding about taking other people into consideration too! But I am absolutely thrilled with how tonight went. I got so many genuine compliments from the gang, and, as I mentioned in my post yesterday, I feel like I earned them, and I am delighting in them.
On a sadder note, Mum is still not good. I started googling chronic insomnia today, and none of the things I found gave me any comfort. I honestly think I'm going to have to get pregnant to sort her out. I would just tell her that she has 9 months to get her shit together!!! Because I am so self-centred at times, I did ask her if me turning 35 with no grandchildren for her on the horizon was upsetting her. She said that it had nothing to do with it, and as long as I am happy, she is happy for me. But I wonder sometimes...
There's a sleep clinic in Dublin which is super-expensive, but I think between the three of us we could afford it. (Both of my parents are retired and I am not exactly on big money). I think that is the next step if things don't improve. I want my mum back.
I think I know what you mean and I agree, but I wouldn't call that complaining precisely. Being able to share worries, even the ones that suddenly feel silly when you say them out loud, and sometimes just whine about life together, is different - and super important. It's probably a silly thing to be proud of but I'm finally able to tell my friends when I'm worried or struggling (instead of just being the resident agony aunt) and it helps so much.
That's awesome! And I'm glad you're getting recognition for your hard work, too. I know and respect that you want to stay anonymous on the internet but I'm getting super curious about the finished product!
Isn't there an option to get a referral for the sleep lab so her insurance would cover it?
That's fantastic LaMa. I think with the sleep lab, the insurance won't cover all of it, but I haven't looked into it properly (yet).
Housemate is back and gone completely silent. Two hi's have been completely ignored. I'm being completely stonewalled. I rang the landlord today to get an update. She's going through a really horrible family issue, but I think she's going to send her an email today detailing her antisocial behaviour and give her notice to move out in a month or so. I'm very apprehensive about the whole thing, but I can't live like this anymore, and she honestly deserves it. If she had shown any remorse or made any attempt to make amends, I would have gotten over it and tried to sort things out. Non-verbal means that communication has completely broken down. It's either me or her at this point.
Other than that, things are okay. Mum is still very up and down, but I thought she was a lot better this weekend. I was very stern with her on the phone earlier and told her that if she truly wants to get better, she's going to have to start trying to fight the bad thoughts and anxiety a lot harder than she is. It was a bit of tough love - I hope not too tough! I'm just trying to get through to her in any way I can.
I kind of have a boring evening of watching the play for the tenth time and sending back feedback on edits before me, but at least it's something to focus on. It's the final push now before the big premiere! I'm really looking forward to it.
I also cooked my dinner this evening for the first time in a while - veggie stir-fry of aubergine, mangetout, baby corn and celery with haricot beans and chopped tomatoes and loads of herbs and spices. I wasn't that hungry for it, but it should stop a chocolate binge from coming on later on. Right, better get going.
Sadly yes. Fingers crossed it'll go smoothly and pass quickly.
- Thanks guys. I have had so many housemates through the years - I am definitely nearing the end of my house-share days. But my rent is so good and I am in a really nice location, so I'm going to hang in there until life offers something more for me.
I feel a little bit down today. It's been a manic month, Manic March, you could call it. I'm tired. I feel burnt out. I feel very unhealthy. I don't feel that optimistic about the future at the moment. Every day is very much an up and down day. I can't seem to figure out how to get myself back into a healthy routine. I wake up every morning and turn off my alarm for another hour. Dreams of going for a run gone out the window.
I am craving coffee and sugar and anything to give me a boost because I don't feel good. I had a really busy morning at work, and when I went for a walk at lunchtime, I just felt horrendous for the first ten minutes. My face was all scrunched up, my mind was jumping from one thing to the next, I felt quite weak and hungry, and just not right. I came back to the office, out of breath after going up the stairs, and then I had a salad, two slices of bread with lashings of butter, a cup of tea, and some chocolate to give me a boost. I felt kind of sick and too full after it, but I felt better. But that was due to overeating. And I do overeat, a lot, because I feel terrible. And I can't figure out how to stop that.
I sometimes wonder will anything really give me joy anymore. I just always feel like there's a very happy, balanced life waiting for me that is just out of reach. The fact that I am living with someone that obviously fucking hates me is really hard. It's a physical manifestation of all the negativity I have towards myself. Is she even real? Haha. But I do believe that you draw a lot of these people towards you, whether you want to or not. This is the second person I've come up against who has been so negative and nasty towards me, for reasons I can't understand, in the last couple of years, and it's really upsetting. Ironically enough, they both work for the same company now. I will never buy that product, hahaha.
And not even the second really. My landlord that kicked me out. My former friend who cut me out of her life, when I thought we had a really solid friendship. Other friends (including that one) using me to get to the place they want to be, and then dropping me like a hot potato. It really upsets me.
BUT - it only upsets me because I'm still insecure and not really happy with myself. If I was doing the things I plan to do every day, I really would feel so much better. I'm never going to be made of stone and not react when things go wrong, but I feel incredibly raw a lot of time, and that makes everything so much worse.
I also have to recognise that I have a lot of very lovely people in my life who I think treat me exceptionally well. They give me a voice, they respect me, and that is great. I guess the thing is to use that positive energy to put myself back into a positive way of living. I feel defeated at the moment.
I feel a little bit down today. It's been a manic month, Manic March, you could call it. I'm tired. I feel burnt out. I feel very unhealthy. I don't feel that optimistic about the future at the moment. Every day is very much an up and down day. I can't seem to figure out how to get myself back into a healthy routine. I wake up every morning and turn off my alarm for another hour. Dreams of going for a run gone out the window.
I am craving coffee and sugar and anything to give me a boost because I don't feel good. I had a really busy morning at work, and when I went for a walk at lunchtime, I just felt horrendous for the first ten minutes. My face was all scrunched up, my mind was jumping from one thing to the next, I felt quite weak and hungry, and just not right. I came back to the office, out of breath after going up the stairs, and then I had a salad, two slices of bread with lashings of butter, a cup of tea, and some chocolate to give me a boost. I felt kind of sick and too full after it, but I felt better. But that was due to overeating. And I do overeat, a lot, because I feel terrible. And I can't figure out how to stop that.
I sometimes wonder will anything really give me joy anymore. I just always feel like there's a very happy, balanced life waiting for me that is just out of reach. The fact that I am living with someone that obviously fucking hates me is really hard. It's a physical manifestation of all the negativity I have towards myself. Is she even real? Haha. But I do believe that you draw a lot of these people towards you, whether you want to or not. This is the second person I've come up against who has been so negative and nasty towards me, for reasons I can't understand, in the last couple of years, and it's really upsetting. Ironically enough, they both work for the same company now. I will never buy that product, hahaha.
And not even the second really. My landlord that kicked me out. My former friend who cut me out of her life, when I thought we had a really solid friendship. Other friends (including that one) using me to get to the place they want to be, and then dropping me like a hot potato. It really upsets me.
BUT - it only upsets me because I'm still insecure and not really happy with myself. If I was doing the things I plan to do every day, I really would feel so much better. I'm never going to be made of stone and not react when things go wrong, but I feel incredibly raw a lot of time, and that makes everything so much worse.
I also have to recognise that I have a lot of very lovely people in my life who I think treat me exceptionally well. They give me a voice, they respect me, and that is great. I guess the thing is to use that positive energy to put myself back into a positive way of living. I feel defeated at the moment.
Cate
Long term member
Em, I don't think there would be anyone amongst us who would not have had someone really dislike us for some reason we are not quite sure about. I offended someone 10 years ago & he just will not forgive me, no matter what I say or do. I apologised at the time & meant it, but he obviously will carry this grudge with him for the rest of his life. I see him a few times a week. It used to really hurt me as we got along well for years before that. Lots of people can give cheek, but a lot just can't take it back. He's one. I can live with myself as I know I have tried & tried to make amends, & have learned from it, but I can't change what happened. Ultimately we have to live with ourselves & not everyone will like you.
I am overly sensitive too & get hurt easily. I don't think I can change that, but I try not to take things personally. We can just overthink things. Try to enjoy your life & not dwell on the negatives. It's something I tell myself constantly.
I am overly sensitive too & get hurt easily. I don't think I can change that, but I try not to take things personally. We can just overthink things. Try to enjoy your life & not dwell on the negatives. It's something I tell myself constantly.
with all of that. It´s hard to let things go sometimes and it´s hard to keep the balance between being nice and being a doormat. Plus there´s still this whole pandemic thing going on outside (we´ll be back in lockdown next week and I can´t even be bothered to get a haircut before) and your mom is unwell. Add the stress of the play and you´ve got a lot on your plate!- I'm sorry to hear that Cate. It is incredibly tough when you would like to make amends. I feel like he's losing out! And, of course, you're right about enjoying life. I do, for the most part.
- Thanks LaMa. It is very hard to maintain that balance. We just have to keep trying.
I woke up Thursday morning after posting that and went for an interval run for an hour. I don't know where I got the energy from, to be honest. It was all up and down hill as well, to make it even worse! But I did it, and I felt happier with myself.
I went home last night to spend some time with my parents, who I feel need me a lot at the moment. My dad stood at the door waving as I drove away. It's been incredibly hard for them. My aunt (Mum's sister) rang me tonight to wish me luck with the play. My mum and her have such a weird relationship. They both annoy each other, but at the same time, there is a huge bond there. They are like two halves of one person in a way. Both are good at things the other isn't. Which means they don't see eye to eye a lot of the time - temperament, interests, viewpoints, all very different. But it was nice to know how much my aunt cares at the same time.
I think my mother has started to slightly come around, which is good. She had a real low point around my birthday, and while she wasn't fantastic last night when I called, or at the weekend, she definitely seems less agitated and more herself. I hope the summer months bring her back around. She also got a text about getting the vaccine today - they gave her a two-hour window to respond, so she missed out. What a stupid system. But I hope that means she will get another text about it in the next couple of days.
I am still feeling a bit low and incredibly tired, but I have also achieved so much in the last couple of months! I mean, I've never looked worse, I can honestly say that. My skin (normally a strong point) is so dehydrated and ruddy and I've got so fat and my clothes are uncomfortable and it's so annoying. But I'm really shining at work - really great responses to my content, which is fantastic. I am super-excited about the play, I think my performance is pretty good and the project as a whole was such a great experience. And I am definitely giving my mother a boost when I visit or call her. But, it's taking its toll. I just need a beach, sun lounger, and a personal chef/trainer/masseuse to get me sorted! Please Law of Attraction, deliver this to me before the year is out!!
And, of course, you're right about enjoying life. I do, for the most part.- Thanks LaMa. It is very hard to maintain that balance. We just have to keep trying.
I woke up Thursday morning after posting that and went for an interval run for an hour. I don't know where I got the energy from, to be honest. It was all up and down hill as well, to make it even worse! But I did it, and I felt happier with myself.
I went home last night to spend some time with my parents, who I feel need me a lot at the moment. My dad stood at the door waving as I drove away. It's been incredibly hard for them. My aunt (Mum's sister) rang me tonight to wish me luck with the play. My mum and her have such a weird relationship. They both annoy each other, but at the same time, there is a huge bond there. They are like two halves of one person in a way. Both are good at things the other isn't. Which means they don't see eye to eye a lot of the time - temperament, interests, viewpoints, all very different. But it was nice to know how much my aunt cares at the same time.
I think my mother has started to slightly come around, which is good. She had a real low point around my birthday, and while she wasn't fantastic last night when I called, or at the weekend, she definitely seems less agitated and more herself. I hope the summer months bring her back around. She also got a text about getting the vaccine today - they gave her a two-hour window to respond, so she missed out. What a stupid system. But I hope that means she will get another text about it in the next couple of days.
I am still feeling a bit low and incredibly tired, but I have also achieved so much in the last couple of months! I mean, I've never looked worse, I can honestly say that. My skin (normally a strong point) is so dehydrated and ruddy and I've got so fat and my clothes are uncomfortable and it's so annoying. But I'm really shining at work - really great responses to my content, which is fantastic. I am super-excited about the play, I think my performance is pretty good and the project as a whole was such a great experience. And I am definitely giving my mother a boost when I visit or call her. But, it's taking its toll. I just need a beach, sun lounger, and a personal chef/trainer/masseuse to get me sorted! Please Law of Attraction, deliver this to me before the year is out!!
Fingers crossed for a nice sunny summer for you With rain during the nights so plants and animals don't suffer, of course. Well done on that run! I haven't been able to drag myself up to run this week so my goal for this month is probably in the trash...
With rain during the nights so plants and animals don't suffer, of course. Well done on that run! I haven't been able to drag myself up to run this week so my goal for this month is probably in the trash...I guess that means she would've got the appointment someone else canceled. They do that here and while it isn't perfect most of the older people I know who aren't high-risk enough to reach the top of the list yet have got their shot that way.
- Yeah, I think they do Cate.
- That makes perfect sense LaMa, I didn't even think of that!
I watched Pitch Perfect 2 tonight, and it got me so excited about performing again. There's a lot of bad writing and racist jokes that aren't funny, but overall, I loved the music and that joy of being in a crowd and watching a great performance (or being the one performing) shone through. I really, really miss theatre and live music. I am sick of Covid 'living'.
The play went very well. I'm really proud of it. I got loads of praise and thank yous and compliments - I feel good about myself. I am also at a bit of a low ebb, wondering what the hell I'm going to do with my life next. I realised that I love having a project on the go, whether that's improving at tennis, going to yoga or the pool regularly, or just something.
Work is going really well, but I think I'm at the stage where it's probably time to move on. I don't see any future for me where I work. I enjoy it, but I don't find it that stimulating. I feel like there's something else out there for me.
I honestly feel like the decisions I make in the next year or so will have a huge impact on how my life goes. At the moment, I feel like it's going nowhere. I mean, I've had such great feedback the last few days on the work I've been doing, and while I am absolutely delighted with that, I feel...
Something's coming, don't know when
But it's soon, catch the moon, one-handed catch
Who knows?...
But yeah. That's where I am right now.
In other news, I think Mum, while still bad, is slightly better. I had her doing downward dogs and child's pose this evening. I showed her some stretches last night, because her back is killing her from lying down so much, and I expanded my teachings this evening. The great part is that she was listening to me, and she had the energy to actually try them. I feel so sad for her. I hate that she is going through this 'thing', whatever it is. It could be a reaction to all the tablets she was on, it could be depression or anxiety that was lying latent and has suddenly sprung up through the awful times we're living in. I don't know the cause, but I guess the only way through is to try to find solutions that will help her. She's a great mum, a great person, and I just want to see her well.
Anyway, back to me. Haha. I posted this before, but I just think it needs to be posted here again. I need my life to change.
- That makes perfect sense LaMa, I didn't even think of that!
I watched Pitch Perfect 2 tonight, and it got me so excited about performing again. There's a lot of bad writing and racist jokes that aren't funny, but overall, I loved the music and that joy of being in a crowd and watching a great performance (or being the one performing) shone through. I really, really miss theatre and live music. I am sick of Covid 'living'.
The play went very well. I'm really proud of it. I got loads of praise and thank yous and compliments - I feel good about myself. I am also at a bit of a low ebb, wondering what the hell I'm going to do with my life next. I realised that I love having a project on the go, whether that's improving at tennis, going to yoga or the pool regularly, or just something.
Work is going really well, but I think I'm at the stage where it's probably time to move on. I don't see any future for me where I work. I enjoy it, but I don't find it that stimulating. I feel like there's something else out there for me.
I honestly feel like the decisions I make in the next year or so will have a huge impact on how my life goes. At the moment, I feel like it's going nowhere. I mean, I've had such great feedback the last few days on the work I've been doing, and while I am absolutely delighted with that, I feel...
Something's coming, don't know when
But it's soon, catch the moon, one-handed catch
Who knows?...
But yeah. That's where I am right now.
In other news, I think Mum, while still bad, is slightly better. I had her doing downward dogs and child's pose this evening. I showed her some stretches last night, because her back is killing her from lying down so much, and I expanded my teachings this evening.
The great part is that she was listening to me, and she had the energy to actually try them. I feel so sad for her. I hate that she is going through this 'thing', whatever it is. It could be a reaction to all the tablets she was on, it could be depression or anxiety that was lying latent and has suddenly sprung up through the awful times we're living in. I don't know the cause, but I guess the only way through is to try to find solutions that will help her. She's a great mum, a great person, and I just want to see her well.Anyway, back to me. Haha. I posted this before, but I just think it needs to be posted here again. I need my life to change.