Emily Rose: The Reboot

Emilyrose said:
I just want to make sure I stick with it for a while first, haha. Sometimes when I share on here, I tend to immediately screw up, so trying not to do that this time. :)
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That happens with me too, so think I should keep quiet about what I'm trying to do too.
Glad your Mum is picking up, Em.
I wonder if hypnotism would really work. It's worth a try anyway I think. For some reason, I'm a bit nervous about trying it.
 
There's a lot of nonsense being told about hypnosis but if you can afford it I think it's worth a try. Nothing's going to happen unless someone drugs you in addition to the hypnotism - and if that's in the cards every doctor's visit is a dangerous bet. My sister is still doing great on the fear of heights front and it's been... 3 years?
 
- Thanks Cate. I'm glad too.
- Hi LaMa. I didn't take the possibility of being drugged into the equation, lol. If it got me off the nicotine, I would be ok with that I think. :p

Anyway, the hypnotist guy did not call me today, which is kind of annoying. If I had my own business, I would be all over the emails in. Anyway, we'll see. I think it's like anything - I've actually decided myself, I just need a session to reaffirm it. Having said that, I survived all day in work without a cigarette, and then something unexpected and unpleasant happened a few hours before I got to go home, and I just caved and bought them after work.

I've realised that every time I act in a manner that I know is not positive or favourable, I punish/reward myself with bad food or alcohol or cigarettes. It's a comfort and a slap on the wrist. It's interesting, this method I use to self-govern. I am a mean mother-fucking governor. "Nope, you don't get any fresh vegetables today." "You get to live in a filthy, messy room." "You have to smoke these dirty cigarettes today."

I don't get much pleasure out of my bad habits, if I'm being honest. The mental anguish and guilt and shame I put myself under for every wrong deed makes it not worth it, and yet I continue. I don't know where this governing voice is coming from.

I had a call today with one of our suppliers, and I was irate and mean, and this man I was talking to has been nothing but lovely to me for the last 3 years now. And I just freaked out because new charges came in without me realising they were coming in. I was a big mean bitch. And I don't really want to be a mean bitch. But this absolute rage rained down and I just was so annoyed. I don't like surprises.

I actually think I have learned a lot about myself during this lockdown - most of it unpleasant, if I'm being honest. Last night's walk was like a walk of shame - every stupid thing I've done and interaction I've had over the last few years came back to sting. I realised how much my self-esteem has been in the toilet and I have been constantly looking for validation from others to boost me up. And, to be fair, I have got it, and it has boosted me up to some extent. But now I'm trying to build a stronger foundation than that. And it's fucking difficult.
 
Em, I think you are being hard on yourself. I have been thinking about your post during the day. The fact that you are aware of your "shortcomings" (?) & want to do something about them is a good thing. Try not to feel shame. It's good that you want to learn from them. We sometimes get a chance to change our behaviours & to sincerely apologise. Then it's time to move on, but with a better understanding of how those behaviours made us feel so that we can be better prepared next time something happens that upsets our equilibrium. I don't cope well with sudden, unexpected change either but have learned to explain that to people, usually after an over-reaction :blush5:. We all make mistakes, sometimes it seems that it's over & over, but if we can learn from them & make amends we're moving on in a positive way.
I hope you have a lovely weekend & restore your batteries. We really need to take care of our health. No-one else will (or should really) :grouphug:
 
Hi em you have been a busy lady . You were right to text SG if you felt you were pulling in the wrong directions.
I think everyone is on edge right now , there is a weird feeling in the air and people are on the edge of a snap.
Keep focused on the walks and the play rehearsal and hope we have a good Feb
 
- Thank you Cate for your lovely post. I definitely find myself in a constant 'shame spiral' and I'm trying to stop doing that. I think I have so many disparate energies that it's difficult for me to know how to cope. I'm a perfectionist while also being a really messy, spontaneous person. The two don't match and I'm always chasing my tail it seems.
- I'll take a hug, thank you LaMa.
- Thank you Petal. I am definitely focusing on those good things for the month ahead.

I actually had a pretty good day overall. I gave myself a really hard time about the Friday call. I discussed it with my manager today and she was completely on my side about it, which was good. She's going to sort it out for me. Phew. What a relief. I had major anxiety dreams about it last night, but had a great sleep all the same. I definitely think the dreams help bigtime. I don't always appreciate remembering them as well as I do, but I know that when I have a big REM night on my Fitbit, my sleep score is really high. And I generally feel all the better for it.

The hypnotist called me today. He's English, which made me laugh, because in my head, all hypnotists are English, cos that's what I grew up watching on TV. Anyway, he said the clinic is really busy at the moment, and he asked would a home visit be possible, but there's no way that would fly with my housemate. So I have another bit of time with cigarettes. He said that he has a 90% success rate on the first session, which is pretty impressive. I don't know, this is a bit mad, but I think it's well worth a shot. And the price is not astronomical - the price of a fancy spa day or a night in a nice hotel. The money I would save not buying cigarettes would more than pay for it in a couple of months.

I feel like my energy levels are quite high at the moment and that I am enjoying life again, even though it's very simple and boring. But I'm embracing it, instead of fighting against it. The need to be 'doing' all the time is something I am starting to let go of. I think I'm comparing myself and my life a bit less. That feels nice.

My housemate totally pissed me off again at the weekend. I cooked a mild curry, really not that strong a smell, and left the kitchen to go up to my room for a bit. But I changed my plans, and decided to go back down and make myself a coffee, and when I got down, there was this unmerciful smell of Dettol and every window in the kitchen and utility room was open. I felt like cooking my dinner was an issue.

I feel utterly helpless in this environment - so pegged in. I don't want someone to put me off cooking. I hate passive-aggressive behaviour. My housemate came in while I was downstairs, and if she had just said, 'Oh, I'm not a fan of a curry smell, so I opened the windows', that would be a step up from the dour, no communication, rare acknowledgement bullshit that I am subjected to. I feel I am near a snap, but I think that's what she wants. I certainly don't want to be anyone's punching bag. I just know if I mention anything that major wrath will be released from both sides. It's such trivial stuff but it feels very heavy when we're in a lockdown scenario.
 
That's great that your manager was on your side about Friday's call. I tend to be exhausted after intense dream nights but sleep does seem to help a lot when my brain is chasing its own tail.
The cooking thing feels awfully petty unless your housemate has a known aversion to strong smells. But if she did she wouldn't be using Dettol of all things!
 
If she had a strong aversion to smells, that doesn't stop her from opening her mouth and telling me that LaMa. That's the issue I have with the situation. Anyway, I've had about enough of her and wasting my energy worrying about keeping her temper at bay. Fuck that. She can bang every door in the house from now on - I'm not going to take a blind bit of notice.

I had a pretty good day overall. I'm not that keen to come on here and write at the moment. I think it's because I have nothing to report on weight loss and very little to report in my life, so it all seems kind of pointless.

The good news is that I have reached some kind of equilibrium with my weight and it has stopped going up. I am being very active but my diet is very high fat, high sugar right now. I've accepted that this is a reaction to the absolute boredom and dullness of my everyday. This is a reaction to the horrible anxiety and depression hanging in the air. The news is absolutely mindbogglingly free of hope. They seem to delight in ever more miserable headlines on a daily basis. I've just about had enough. I'm close to writing a letter to the newspaper at this stage, that's how bad the media are at the moment.

The things I am enjoying at the moment are: Superstore on Netflix - absolutely hilarious; I went for a run today - 5k, and it was fine; yoga videos - did one tonight; some funny moments that happen in my working day; walking challenge; regular calls with parents; cooking when I can be bothered to do it; rehearsals (for the most part).

Otherwise, I am going out of my mind with the absolute drudgery of not being able to go anywhere, see new faces, do new things, drink and dance in a pub or late bar, I am losing the plot!!! We're not meant to live like this.
 
Emilyrose said:
If she had a strong aversion to smells, that doesn't stop her from opening her mouth and telling me that LaMa.
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100% true! In fact that'd be something to negotiate before getting a roommate at all. Maybe it's just covid stress getting to her but it sounds like she wants the convenience of sharing a living space (more space for your money) without the consequence of actually having someone else in your living space.
 
Yeah, it's got to the stage where whenever I am in the kitchen, she waits until I leave before she comes in. Which is fine, I do that too sometimes. I don't think I am that bad to be around, and I try not to get upset about it or take it personally... but if I'm feeling a bit down, it does bother me. Anyway, there's nothing forcing me to stay in this house. I just think better the devil you know for now. I don't want to start again, I'm in such a good location, and I have all the amenities I'm looking for, so will stick it out until the next sign appears on the pathway to make a move again.

Had a good enough day. Talked to my mother on the phone for a bit. She's still very much in recovery mode but I think she'll be alright. I actually get to see her next week cos I have to pick up a few things in the house that I need for the play and I have a dental appointment very near my home house, so I'll pop in briefly to get my stuff (hiking boots for the muddy woods! and my hair curler) and then maybe chat to them outside for half an hour before I have to go again. It's meant to snow next week, so it's all weather-dependent I guess. I don't really feel like hanging out for an extended period in the garden if it's freezing outside. Maybe we can build a snowman, haha. My dad loves snow.

I'm also going to get my mum a lovely bunch of flowers, I must order them over the weekend actually. She deserves it. And she wants to borrow the monk book too, so it will be nice to give her that as well. I haven't read much of it, must try again tomorrow.

I've read one book this year this far (pitiful, considering the amount of time I have on my hands) - The Invisible Man by H.G. Wells. I really enjoy classic books, even though they're not easy reading, but this one was quite short, so it was fine. I like them because I think it proves that no matter what century you were born in, the human experience does not change. You encounter the same sort of people and heartache and worries, regardless of the material matter around you. I have always been fascinated by the way other people think and feel and operate - I guess that is why I love books and theatre and film. I never liked dolls when I was a child - it was all books and stories.

I had a weird freakout about dying the other night. I started thinking about being so blasé that I have so much time on this planet, and I actually don't know that. When I get into that mode of thinking, it's always so terrifying to contemplate the 'nothing' that's potentially awaiting us. I just always think about when my dad told me that every time he went under general anesthetic for the six operations he had to go through to battle colon cancer (and secondaries in the liver), it was just a blank space and then he woke up. When I contemplate the blank space forever more, it makes me so sad. But then I get annoyed at myself for wasting so much energy worried about being fat, when I should be grasping every opportunity that life throws at me. But then I remember there are no opportunities - we're meant to stay away from other people for another few months at least.

Anyway, that's where I am this Friday night. I'd rather be out drinking with friends in a pub, if I'm being honest, and discussing these concerns with them. Maybe they would have a good answer for me. (It would probably be - 'Let's do shots!')
 
Emilyrose said:
(hiking boots for the muddy woods! and my hair curler)
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The combination of the two made me smile.
Emilyrose said:
When I get into that mode of thinking, it's always so terrifying to contemplate the 'nothing' that's potentially awaiting us.
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For me it feels more like a promise of peace. I'll happily play along and try to discover and learn as much as I can but in the end none of of it is that big of a deal. Takes the pressure off things.
Emilyrose said:
But then I get annoyed at myself for wasting so much energy worried about being fat, when I should be grasping every opportunity that life throws at me. But then I remember there are no opportunities - we're meant to stay away from other people for another few months at least.
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From what I can tell you're not just grabbing opportunities but creating them - like the online play. You're allowed to be proud of that, especially under these circumstances.
 
Haha, I like to be practical AND stylish. :p

And thanks, I appreciate your kind comments.

Anyway, I've forgotten all about dying since my last post. I'm very much in the throes of life again.

My weekend was fine. I do enjoy lingering over breakfast on a Saturday and Sunday morning, and not really having anywhere to rush off to. I even had a boiled egg for breakfast this morning. I like hard-boiled eggs, so that is not a weekday thing! I remember once I got a boiled egg at work that had blood in it - that put me off them for a while.

Anyway, I did a few long walks this weekend. I find walking incredibly boring, if I'm honest. I love the woodland walk that I normally do, but the weather has been too wet and it's so muddy at the moment. That's why I am collecting my hiking boots from home this week.

I spent 50 euro on a bouquet of flowers for my mum for when I get my brief visit home this week. She deserves it.

I had my play rehearsal tonight. I'm probably still a bit too controlling of the whole project, but I just want it to be good. I feel our director needs to give people more feedback - he's just a bit unsure of himself. I know if I was watching the show we practiced tonight, I would not be impressed. So I'm going to keep giving him and the cast feedback until it's at a certain standard. I feel bad about that in some ways, but I don't want to be a part of something I don't think is working or I'm not proud of. It's a tricky one. I guess in previous plays, I was able to let go and just trust the director. I should probably start doing that again.

Another week begins tomorrow. I wish I could play tennis.
 
Emilyrose said:
I guess in previous plays, I was able to let go and just trust the director.
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That's the disadvantage of taking on a bigger role in the organization of things: you start looking at everything with different eyes and feeling responsible for more than just your little part.
A boiled egg with blood in it sounds horrendously gross! I think it means it was a fertilized egg that had started developing veins? Would definitely put me off as well.
 
Ugh, yes, your description makes it even worse! Lol. For the record, I didn't eat that egg. ;) And yes, I am looking at the play through different eyes for sure.

We had rehearsal this evening, it went on for nearly 3 hours, but it went pretty well. There was a minor disagreement at the end that I was a part of, but I'm okay with it. I actually looked back at a recording of one of our meetings that was taken accidentally and I come across a lot better than I thought! I actually have a few issues with our director, he's a bit dismissive of me at times, it's annoying. He actually told my friends on a night out last year that he liked me - I don't really like him back and I think this play will squash those feelings! Now he knows what I'm really like, hahaha. But overall, I am excited about the whole venture. It's really keeping me present and motivated.

One of our cast members is a young and very pretty girl, and it was kind of hard to make out what she was saying, but I think she said she will advertise the play to her followers on Instagram. It's a whole new world out there folks! :p

Actually, one of the girls in work is also in her mid-20s, and sometimes she says the most insulting things to me, and makes out like I'm some kind of ogre, just in the way she phrases things. It's kind of making me feel insecure. Like, I'm obviously not looking my best, but my experience in general is that I am a kind of attractive person, and then she asks me questions that make me feel like I was the ugly person who never had a boyfriend, when I never thought I was ugly really, I just think I haven't had much luck a lot of the time. Now I've started examining photos of myself, wondering if what I'm seeing in the mirror is just my ego protecting me from the cold hard reality... Ah, fuck that, I went to get chips last week, and some random man was checking me out, even though I had a mask and hat on. Or maybe that's why. Hahaha. God, I hate feeling so insecure all the time.

Anyway, my dentist told me yesterday that my teeth are 'pretty much perfect', which is great news - I feel a dentist saying that is a massive gold star next to my name. Obviously, my gums are in shit from the wine and smoking, but I am hanging in there.

I don't know why I keep waiting for a 'Eureka' moment that does not seem to be coming, but I definitely need to start doing a bit more to look after myself. I have to do a stupid photoshoot for the play the weekend after next, which has got me thinking about crash dieting and all sorts of madness, and it's all just pressure to look and be a certain way and my anxiety is through the roof with everything.

I got to make a quick visit home yesterday - I bought my mum a lovely bouquet of flowers, and the saddest thing was my parents standing at the door waving me off as I drove away. :( This is not a regular occurrence, they are just particularly lonely and sad at the moment I think. My mum is still in recovery mode and still not sleeping great, which is really difficult on them both. Anyway, I guess we will all just have to trundle on and hope that March brings some sort of reprieve.

*Additional note to say that I forgot to take my clothes out of the washing machine yesterday evening and I just remembered it on my drive home from work, which set me into a panic. I came home to find that my housemate had put my clothes out on the line for me and had them hanging up on the clotheshorse this evening, happily drying away. It was an olive branch and I will gladly accept it. :)
 
I am 100% certain that you are not ugly. You have perfect teeth, even!
Emilyrose said:
I have to do a stupid photoshoot for the play the weekend after next, which has got me thinking about crash dieting and all sorts of madness, and it's all just pressure to look and be a certain way and my anxiety is through the roof with everything.
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There's no way to make a significant difference in how you look for a picture through weightloss in 10 days, unless you're dehydrating and going from very lean to ripped. What you can do is take good care of yourself to make sure your hair looks nice, your skin is glowing, and you're not bloated. And I'm sure you'll do just that.
Emilyrose said:
This is not a regular occurrence, they are just particularly lonely and sad at the moment I think.
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February is taking a toll on people this year. We're all getting out less than we should and it's exacerbating the lack of light.
 
Thanks for your kind comments, LaMa. I'll take your advice on the photo prep. :)

I had a call with my mother tonight. I feel like she's turned into an old person overnight. That's honestly the toll that the illness has taken on her. Gone is my vibrant, happy mother with loads of support and words of wisdom. I feel like I'm counselling her now on how to get through being sick and dealing with Covid simultaneously. I don't resent that, but it's difficult. I just have to shoulder this on my own. And dads are great, I love my dad, but Mum is always the person I've gone to when times are tough. And now I have to be the one to try to pick her up.

She went a little bit psycho at me on the phone, because I told one of my friends she had been in hospital, and then my friend told her mum, and my friend's mum rang her and probably said all the wrong things, and now I'm getting the blame for it. I apologised and told her I didn't realise she wanted it to be kept a secret. I just think she can't deal with anyone right now. My mum is a real sounding board for a lot of people, and they're so self-involved, they can't understand why she doesn't want to listen to all their problems right now, cos she's just not well. And then she feels guilty and thinks it's okay to take it out on me... Anyway, I don't feel too bad about it. I understand. Sometimes I feel bad for being so selfish and self-protective of myself, but now I realise I don't want to be the person to listen to other people's problems all day long, and I think I've actually been smart about some things.

Anyway, the point is that we are all struggling. In work, it seems like a really nice, supportive atmosphere at the moment. I think we're all being a lot nicer to each other in general. I think I am very lucky to be in the job I'm in right now. I also recognise I'm going to be 35 soon, and the next 5 years are crucial in determining where my life will end up. That frightens me.

What's my 5 year plan? Where do I want to be when I'm 40?
- I want children and I want a husband. This should probably be my priority for the next while. Getting to a place of self-love and belief where I would actually be able to cope with someone else around all the time. Willing to share my life with someone else. I haven't been able to do that so far, but I want that. I want a family.
- Career.... Well, I feel like family takes over from career. I like my job now, but I also want to leave it soon and explore other options. I think if nothing much changes this year, I will start applying for jobs abroad. If the acting/writing thing could possibly work out, that would be the dream.
- Health... The only thing I have complete control of and which should be the main focus of 2021. Work in progress.
 
It must be rough to see your mom change like that :grouphug: I'm sure not much of it will stick if she gets back to health though. Sucks about your friend and her mom; I don't think I'd assume the basic knowledge that someone is or has been in the hospital would be private unless I'd been told (except if it's a patient of course) but everyone's different. I guess she feels vulnerable right now and having to talk about it with non family members might make her feel more exposed.
Best of luck with your 5 year plan! Knowing where you want to go is good first step.
 
Thanks LaMa. It's not private, my mum has just reached the end of her tolerance for other people's problems. I think this might be a good thing for her when she starts to feel better. I haven't rang her over the weekend, I just didn't feel like being shouted at. I think I'll wait for her to ring me.

Had a nice weekend, my housemate has had a complete turnaround and left a printed out Happy Valentine's Day message on the counter today with some chocolates on top. The printout means she prepared this when she was in work earlier in the week, which is kind of impressive. I went in and sat with her for a while in the living room earlier, and she was actually making an effort to engage in a conversation with me and be friendly. I don't understand what has changed. But whatever, I will enjoy it while it lasts. Way better living in this environment than the one I've been in so far. And, you know, I will always give someone another chance, because I would like them to do the same for me.

Normally, on Valentine's Day, I'm really sad about not being in a couple, but it didn't really bother me this year. I guess I feel I could have been with SG this year, and I decided against it. But I do always hope that next year will be a different story. I hope.

I actually started a blog yesterday, but I just don't have the drive to keep it going. I think this forum is probably better. It was fun learning about WordPress though, it's something I can add to my CV now, so it was time well spent. I was probably working on my site for a couple of hours. The tools aren't that different to what I already use in work. I definitely enjoy creating stuff. I did a really cool Valentine's email last week that had got zero responses when I logged off on Friday - I sincerely hope that has changed when I log in tomorrow. I enjoy seeing if the stuff I work on has resonated with people. I do like marketing for that reason. At the same time, I know that the email I created was great, so it's annoying if you don't get the response you expect from it. It was genuinely clever and a bit different. But alas, a lot of the time, it's the unoriginal, boring old shite that you roll out time and time again that gets the numbers. This is the world.

Final point is that I read Death on the Nile by Agatha Christie over the weekend. I haven't consumed a book like that in a long time. I would highly recommend it. Just a brilliant read.
 
How nice that your housemate is trying to make a change! Even if it may not last it's good that you're giving it a go.
Learning new things is usually fun and always goof dor the brain, so go you! I'm pretty sure I have all the original Agatha Christie novels: she was sexist, classist, and racist in many ways but if you can overlook that as a sign of the times she managed to write engaging stories with the solutions so neatly wrapped up that I generally forget who dun it even if I've read the same story several times.
 
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