Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
Yeah, I guess you're right LaMa.
I'm a bit sad this evening. I texted SG earlier to say I didn't really want to see him anymore. Now I'm scared that I've made a big mistake. I also feel really bad for hurting him. I don't like hurting anyone really. I think he's just a bit confused.
The thing is, I really don't want to give up every weekend to spend time with him. I mean, once in a while, sure. But not all the time, and all his talk that he doesn't want to meet other girls anymore and would I like to go to Spain with him when we can travel again has kind of scared me bigtime. It just means he wants it to turn into something that I don't really want (with him). I mean, sure, I could keep it going and get a potential trip to Spain out of it, but I don't think that's fair. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. So I needed to nip that in the bud.
I think I also just need to be with someone that's more of a grownup. SG will stay up all night drinking and talking. Most nights I'm with him, we don't get to sleep till after 3. I kind of want someone who'll have me home by 12 and asleep by 1. I leave his house absolutely exhausted and it ruins the whole next day and the following one. I don't have the staying power that I used to have. I need more balance in my life. Two party animals together is not sustainable. I do want to be with a guy that likes to go out and have a drink and a laugh, but also has a lot more stuff going on in his life that he needs to be responsible for. Maybe it's just the age gap - I've changed a lot in the last 5 years, and my energy levels are not what they used to be when it comes to drinking and staying up late. It's a natural progression. And I was probably at my absolute worst from 28 - 30, which is where SG lies now. I just don't want to keep doing that.
So I've really had to put myself and my health first, even though I'm sad about it and I know I've hurt him.
I just don't think we're on the same page, and it's not fair for me to keep seeing him, which is of course advantageous to me during Covid when it's close to impossible to meet people. But I just think I needed to end things with him.
Since I have ended things with him, this is also a huge incentive for me to ACTUALLY put my health first and start doing all the things I keep putting off doing. I did go for a run after work today, which was good. But I need to be doing a lot more than I am. I would love to go back to the tennis club 2 stone lighter and ready to kick some serious ass. Leo Varadkar was on the radio earlier and the max amount of vaccines they are able to administer at the moment is 49,000 per week. I haven't even done the maths on that, but it's going to take a hell of a long time for us to be out of the shit at that rate. He also said he doesn't expect businesses to open until the end of March. So there's a long road ahead of lockdowns. But plenty of time for me to get my shit together and use this amazing opportunity I have to lose the weight, stop the smoking and cut out the booze.
I'm a bit sad this evening. I texted SG earlier to say I didn't really want to see him anymore. Now I'm scared that I've made a big mistake. I also feel really bad for hurting him. I don't like hurting anyone really. I think he's just a bit confused.
The thing is, I really don't want to give up every weekend to spend time with him. I mean, once in a while, sure. But not all the time, and all his talk that he doesn't want to meet other girls anymore and would I like to go to Spain with him when we can travel again has kind of scared me bigtime. It just means he wants it to turn into something that I don't really want (with him). I mean, sure, I could keep it going and get a potential trip to Spain out of it, but I don't think that's fair. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. So I needed to nip that in the bud.
I think I also just need to be with someone that's more of a grownup. SG will stay up all night drinking and talking. Most nights I'm with him, we don't get to sleep till after 3. I kind of want someone who'll have me home by 12 and asleep by 1. I leave his house absolutely exhausted and it ruins the whole next day and the following one. I don't have the staying power that I used to have. I need more balance in my life. Two party animals together is not sustainable. I do want to be with a guy that likes to go out and have a drink and a laugh, but also has a lot more stuff going on in his life that he needs to be responsible for. Maybe it's just the age gap - I've changed a lot in the last 5 years, and my energy levels are not what they used to be when it comes to drinking and staying up late. It's a natural progression. And I was probably at my absolute worst from 28 - 30, which is where SG lies now. I just don't want to keep doing that.
So I've really had to put myself and my health first, even though I'm sad about it and I know I've hurt him.
I just don't think we're on the same page, and it's not fair for me to keep seeing him, which is of course advantageous to me during Covid when it's close to impossible to meet people. But I just think I needed to end things with him. Since I have ended things with him, this is also a huge incentive for me to ACTUALLY put my health first and start doing all the things I keep putting off doing. I did go for a run after work today, which was good. But I need to be doing a lot more than I am. I would love to go back to the tennis club 2 stone lighter and ready to kick some serious ass. Leo Varadkar was on the radio earlier and the max amount of vaccines they are able to administer at the moment is 49,000 per week. I haven't even done the maths on that, but it's going to take a hell of a long time for us to be out of the shit at that rate. He also said he doesn't expect businesses to open until the end of March. So there's a long road ahead of lockdowns. But plenty of time for me to get my shit together and use this amazing opportunity I have to lose the weight, stop the smoking and cut out the booze.
with LaMa- kudos to you for taking the honourable & probably the kindest route regarding SG. You are being honest with him & that is important.Thanks guys. I still feel weird about it today (I'm truly single again) but I think it's the best decision I can make for now. I hope he's okay though. He's all alone here, and he can't fly home on a whim. I feel for the guy. Oh no, now I feel bad again. I kind of left the door slightly ajar to meet some time again in the future so you never know... If I actually go on my health kick, maybe I will start thinking clearly and figure out what I really want. Maybe I want too much from people. We'll see.
Today was okay. I am actually enjoying work again, which is great. I don't go bounding in or anything, but I actually think it's great to have a focus for 7-8 hours per day. I would hate to be on the Covid payments now, worrying about money and not having anything to do or anywhere to go all day. They were talking on the radio today about how couples where one is working all day from home and the other is out of work on Covid payments are finding it really hard. I can imagine that would be a very difficult scenario. Better for both to be working or both to be off. I imagine both being off but not under financial strain would be great. Or maybe not, who knows? Maybe it's better to both go about your day and have actual stories to tell each other when you get home. That would be my preference anyway, haha. Will I ever find someone that I would happily spend 24 hours with for weeks on end? I don't know. I definitely haven't found the right man for that yet. I hope I do. Soon. Haha.
Mum has her procedure on Monday, another Covid test beforehand on Sunday. It means I have to stay away from her for the time being. She can't risk me bringing Covid into the house before the procedure, because it will be cancelled, and then she has about a month of recovery after, so also can't risk getting it. It makes me sad that she is going for this thing and I can't see her, or even give her support afterwards. It's very upsetting. Maybe I'm more upset for myself than for her, I don't know. I think the procedure should be fine, it's not high risk or anything, but obviously, the thought that something could go wrong does play on your mind. I think her doctor comes highly recommended and he does these procedures every Monday, so I honestly think it will all go great. I just think the Covid factor makes things like this even worse. I really hope by this time next year, things are so much brighter for everyone.
I do have to laugh chatting to my dad on the phone. He's not the type of person to get 'bored' - he's been retired for over 10 years now and I've never seen him without some kind of purpose to his day or week. Very rarely at least. But, he said this week, he has felt listless, and has slept in till after 10 am some mornings! The way he tells it is kind of entertaining. I think my dad is someone that seems quite sensitive or even weak, but he's actually so rock solid in a lot of ways. I like that about him. I think my mum talks a bigger talk, but she's actually way more prone to low moods and anxiety. Whereas my dad freaks out about absolutely nonsensical things, but for the bigger things, he's fine.
Anyway, that's it for today. Long sleep-in tomorrow is planned, looking forward to it.
Today was okay. I am actually enjoying work again, which is great. I don't go bounding in or anything, but I actually think it's great to have a focus for 7-8 hours per day. I would hate to be on the Covid payments now, worrying about money and not having anything to do or anywhere to go all day. They were talking on the radio today about how couples where one is working all day from home and the other is out of work on Covid payments are finding it really hard. I can imagine that would be a very difficult scenario. Better for both to be working or both to be off. I imagine both being off but not under financial strain would be great. Or maybe not, who knows? Maybe it's better to both go about your day and have actual stories to tell each other when you get home. That would be my preference anyway, haha. Will I ever find someone that I would happily spend 24 hours with for weeks on end? I don't know. I definitely haven't found the right man for that yet. I hope I do. Soon. Haha.
Mum has her procedure on Monday, another Covid test beforehand on Sunday. It means I have to stay away from her for the time being. She can't risk me bringing Covid into the house before the procedure, because it will be cancelled, and then she has about a month of recovery after, so also can't risk getting it. It makes me sad that she is going for this thing and I can't see her, or even give her support afterwards. It's very upsetting. Maybe I'm more upset for myself than for her, I don't know. I think the procedure should be fine, it's not high risk or anything, but obviously, the thought that something could go wrong does play on your mind. I think her doctor comes highly recommended and he does these procedures every Monday, so I honestly think it will all go great. I just think the Covid factor makes things like this even worse. I really hope by this time next year, things are so much brighter for everyone.
I do have to laugh chatting to my dad on the phone. He's not the type of person to get 'bored' - he's been retired for over 10 years now and I've never seen him without some kind of purpose to his day or week. Very rarely at least. But, he said this week, he has felt listless, and has slept in till after 10 am some mornings! The way he tells it is kind of entertaining. I think my dad is someone that seems quite sensitive or even weak, but he's actually so rock solid in a lot of ways. I like that about him. I think my mum talks a bigger talk, but she's actually way more prone to low moods and anxiety. Whereas my dad freaks out about absolutely nonsensical things, but for the bigger things, he's fine.
Anyway, that's it for today. Long sleep-in tomorrow is planned, looking forward to it.
Haha, yeah, it's very unlike my dad too LaMa. Yeah, I will call her, don't worry.
Today was a kind of boring day, which is what most weekends are now. I went for a walk in the woods at around 12 pm, that was probably the most exciting thing I did today.
I actually felt kind of lonely on my walk, and then I remembered that I was meant to have been spending the whole day today with SG, and he was even going to come on the walk with me, and I'd cancelled on him. I had to remind myself, 'You chose this.' Then I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. Maybe I've made the wrong choice.
The only thing that is consoling me somewhat is that tomorrow, I will wake up fresh and ready to go for my 5k run and eat well for the day. That's what I would be sacrificing if I spent the day with SG today. So, I hope that keeps me focused, because I have made a sacrifice to try to do this thing, and if I don't do it now, I'm losing out twice as much.
I tried to make conversation with my housemate today but she's just so fucking difficult. I just don't enjoy being around her. I told her about my mum going to hospital on Monday, and then she told me about a colleague whose father had a stroke before Christmas and then got Covid, and they hadn't been able to see him. I just felt like she was belittling my concerns about my mother. And her fucking comment was, 'Well, I hope she doesn't pick up Covid while she's in there.' Gee, thanks. I feel so much better about it now. There was just absolutely no concern or kind words or anything from her. I don't know what's wrong with her. She definitely doesn't have much time for me anyway.
So I didn't hang around too much longer, but instead I hoovered the landing, my room and the stairs and scrubbed a few of the cupboards in the kitchen. I felt like between that and the walk in the woods, I'd achieved enough for one day, so I've just been watching documentaries on Netflix for the rest of the time.
Tomorrow will be a lot more focused - run in the morning, breakfast, read, lunch, walk in the woods, do a bit for drama club, dinner, prep lunch for Monday, ring Mum, yoga, bed. Fairly dull but it is what it is. Covid times.
Today was a kind of boring day, which is what most weekends are now. I went for a walk in the woods at around 12 pm, that was probably the most exciting thing I did today.
I actually felt kind of lonely on my walk, and then I remembered that I was meant to have been spending the whole day today with SG, and he was even going to come on the walk with me, and I'd cancelled on him. I had to remind myself, 'You chose this.' Then I couldn't for the life of me figure out why. Maybe I've made the wrong choice.
The only thing that is consoling me somewhat is that tomorrow, I will wake up fresh and ready to go for my 5k run and eat well for the day. That's what I would be sacrificing if I spent the day with SG today. So, I hope that keeps me focused, because I have made a sacrifice to try to do this thing, and if I don't do it now, I'm losing out twice as much.
I tried to make conversation with my housemate today but she's just so fucking difficult. I just don't enjoy being around her. I told her about my mum going to hospital on Monday, and then she told me about a colleague whose father had a stroke before Christmas and then got Covid, and they hadn't been able to see him. I just felt like she was belittling my concerns about my mother. And her fucking comment was, 'Well, I hope she doesn't pick up Covid while she's in there.' Gee, thanks. I feel so much better about it now. There was just absolutely no concern or kind words or anything from her. I don't know what's wrong with her. She definitely doesn't have much time for me anyway.
So I didn't hang around too much longer, but instead I hoovered the landing, my room and the stairs and scrubbed a few of the cupboards in the kitchen. I felt like between that and the walk in the woods, I'd achieved enough for one day, so I've just been watching documentaries on Netflix for the rest of the time.
Tomorrow will be a lot more focused - run in the morning, breakfast, read, lunch, walk in the woods, do a bit for drama club, dinner, prep lunch for Monday, ring Mum, yoga, bed. Fairly dull but it is what it is. Covid times.
Sounds like good housemate-frustration therapy! If you miss SG only when you're bored or alone it's probably not really about him as a person but about the convenience of having someone who devotes extra time and energy to you. Which is lovely to have but not worth stringing someone along for once they've realized they want to get serious or need to protect their feelings. Maybe you can get back on a dating app and find a new casual companion?
Korrie
Moderator
I'm sorry your struggling right now Emily! Your roommate sounds like a lovely woman...not. Hopefully things get better for you?? Don't feel bad about being single again...take it from a woman who looked the other way too often and ended up being married for 20 years to the wrong man! You have to do whats best for YOU!
- Hi LaMa. I mean, I'm pretty much bored and alone all the time right now, so who can tell if it's him or the company I miss at this point?
- Thanks Korrie. I did text him today, I don't know what I'm at. I feel I've kind of lifted the pressure off myself to be committed to him, which is what I wanted. But I just felt sad all weekend, so I don't know. I feel better now that we're in contact again.
My mum had her procedure today, she's still alive! I don't know how it went, I presume fine. She said her throat is a bit sore so I can't speak to her tonight, but I am really relieved. I was like a crabby crab all day, just in foul humour in work, but I think it was really stress over her operation that manifested in other ways. Who even knows what is going on in this mind of mine? Can abject fear present itself as anger and irritability? I guess fear is at the root of nearly every negative emotion.
Anyway, yeah, I had a shitty day, but I was also working on painful reports and my manager was pissing me off, but I got my stuff done, ready for a BIG MEETING tomorrow that I am just not in the form for. I hope it goes well. I'm trying to muster some enthusiasm for it, but I just... have none right now. No shits left to give, you could say. But tomorrow is Tuesday, which is automatically 10 times better than Monday without even trying.
I also had a bit of excitement today when a potential new 'just for me' apartment came on the market that is actually affordable and in the middle of town, in the centre of all the action! A former landlord of mine is renting it out. I rang her this afternoon, she gave me a bit of a grilling about 'moving around a lot', but I just told her I was still sharing and wanted to get a place on my own. So now I'm waiting for HR to get back to me with my proof of employment, and then I just have to pray that I get a viewing and she gives me the place. I was a bit uncertain about it earlier - 'Will I be lonely?' 'Will it just further compound all my bad habits?' (every restaurant/shop/off license all within reach when I step outside the door), but now I'm like, 'Fuckit, I don't care.' I have a good feeling about it. I just want to be able to come home, cook my dinner, and not have to worry about anyone else. I will be able to go to the toilet 10 times per night if I want. I just need my freedom back. I'm locked down in a lockdown. I hate it man.
What else can I tell you about today? Not very much. I didn't eat properly, I didn't exercise, I smoked, I am having a glass of wine now. All very depressing. Must try harder.
- Thanks Korrie. I did text him today, I don't know what I'm at. I feel I've kind of lifted the pressure off myself to be committed to him, which is what I wanted. But I just felt sad all weekend, so I don't know. I feel better now that we're in contact again.
My mum had her procedure today, she's still alive! I don't know how it went, I presume fine. She said her throat is a bit sore so I can't speak to her tonight, but I am really relieved. I was like a crabby crab all day, just in foul humour in work, but I think it was really stress over her operation that manifested in other ways. Who even knows what is going on in this mind of mine? Can abject fear present itself as anger and irritability? I guess fear is at the root of nearly every negative emotion.
Anyway, yeah, I had a shitty day, but I was also working on painful reports and my manager was pissing me off, but I got my stuff done, ready for a BIG MEETING tomorrow that I am just not in the form for. I hope it goes well. I'm trying to muster some enthusiasm for it, but I just... have none right now. No shits left to give, you could say. But tomorrow is Tuesday, which is automatically 10 times better than Monday without even trying.
I also had a bit of excitement today when a potential new 'just for me' apartment came on the market that is actually affordable and in the middle of town, in the centre of all the action! A former landlord of mine is renting it out. I rang her this afternoon, she gave me a bit of a grilling about 'moving around a lot', but I just told her I was still sharing and wanted to get a place on my own. So now I'm waiting for HR to get back to me with my proof of employment, and then I just have to pray that I get a viewing and she gives me the place. I was a bit uncertain about it earlier - 'Will I be lonely?' 'Will it just further compound all my bad habits?' (every restaurant/shop/off license all within reach when I step outside the door), but now I'm like, 'Fuckit, I don't care.' I have a good feeling about it. I just want to be able to come home, cook my dinner, and not have to worry about anyone else. I will be able to go to the toilet 10 times per night if I want. I just need my freedom back. I'm locked down in a lockdown. I hate it man.
What else can I tell you about today? Not very much. I didn't eat properly, I didn't exercise, I smoked, I am having a glass of wine now. All very depressing. Must try harder.
100% yes.
Having your own apartment sounds wonderful! Crossing my fingers for you so much it hurts.
- Thanks Cate. I didn't get it, but I think it's for the best.
- Thanks LaMa. I think there might be a better one out there for me.
I'm reading Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty at the moment. The second chapter deals specifically with negativity and the training they give the monks in the ashram on how to deal with it. The head monk gave them all an exercise to try to spend a week without saying anything negative about anyone. If they did say something negative about someone, he told them to make a list of 10 positive qualities that person had to counteract it. The whole chapter was very interesting. It also talked about how if you are dealing with someone negative, complaining about them to other people means you are taking their negative energy and spreading it further. And there is a distinction between discussing someone's troubling behaviour and wondering how to deal with it as opposed to using it as an excuse to give out shit about them.
Anyway, I found it quite enlightening. The guidelines are not that easy to apply. But, I am going to try to make my posts more upbeat and focus on the good things in my life, as opposed to the bad things. Obviously, I find this to be a safe space to vent also, which I might still do. But, for today, let's keep it lighthearted.
Stuff that's good:
Last one, discovered this hidden gem from Abba today, I am obsessed. It's going to be my holiday song when holiday times come back again:
- Thanks LaMa. I think there might be a better one out there for me.
I'm reading Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty at the moment. The second chapter deals specifically with negativity and the training they give the monks in the ashram on how to deal with it. The head monk gave them all an exercise to try to spend a week without saying anything negative about anyone. If they did say something negative about someone, he told them to make a list of 10 positive qualities that person had to counteract it. The whole chapter was very interesting. It also talked about how if you are dealing with someone negative, complaining about them to other people means you are taking their negative energy and spreading it further. And there is a distinction between discussing someone's troubling behaviour and wondering how to deal with it as opposed to using it as an excuse to give out shit about them.
Anyway, I found it quite enlightening. The guidelines are not that easy to apply. But, I am going to try to make my posts more upbeat and focus on the good things in my life, as opposed to the bad things. Obviously, I find this to be a safe space to vent also, which I might still do. But, for today, let's keep it lighthearted.
Stuff that's good:
- Had a good chat this evening about our latest drama project - a play on Zoom, to be premiered on youtube in a couple of months. I've got a great part, there are loads of lovely people in the cast, and I am also not in charge of this one, so I can just enjoy the whole process a bit more. It's so exciting. First rehearsal kicks off on Sunday.
- I got a nice text message from a guy I had reached out to that has joined some of our drama nights but didn't audition in the end. I just told him we had a few parts still available if he was interested, so he auditioned tonight and said the project looked really interesting and thanked me for encouraging him to audition. That felt good.
- I got a glowing 'proof of employment' letter from HR. They praised me very highly and said my boss was delighted with me and I was well liked by my colleagues. They would recommend me for any rental situation and also left their number and email if the landlord wanted further information. It was actually so lovely to read all that. I mean, I didn't get the apartment, but it's a brilliant letter to have for when the right apartment does come along.
- My mum is on the mend - her appetite is back, which was a huge area of concern. She's lost a lot of weight over the last couple of months. Some of it was planned, but to be honest, I think most of it was the illness setting in. She's not underweight or anything, but I'm just glad to hear she's eating normally again. When my dad was sick about ten years ago now, the amount of weight he lost was so frightening, and the fact that he didn't want to eat anything when he looked so frail was one of the worst things. I remember trying to negotiate with him on stuff to tick off on the menu options in the hospital. You received a card each day with different choices for breakfast, lunch and dinner. He didn't want to tick even one thing off, never mind three! Madness. Anyway, thank God that awful time has also been overcome and he's back to impeccable health.
- I bought a dress online the other day that I thought might suit me - it is simply lovely! Even at my less-than-ideal size, I think I look pretty good in it.
Last one, discovered this hidden gem from Abba today, I am obsessed. It's going to be my holiday song when holiday times come back again:
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Thanks guys.
I'm trying to keep the positivity flowing, did okay today. I normally have some wine on a Friday, but I gave it a skip this evening, as I really want to wake up fresh tomorrow. I ate too much for dinner so my stomach is a bit sore but I feel well in general.
I was kind of worried I'd picked up Covid because my breathing has got a bit laboured, but my heart rate is fine, and I honestly think it could be the weight gain taking its toll a bit. It's pissing me off, to be honest. I'm just a lot more out of puff when I go for a run now, which is a disaster. Maybe it's my lungs clearing out some of the bad stuff as well, I'm not sure. I'll keep an eye on it. But I've no cough or anything, so I think I'm okay. It's easy to get paranoid.
The plan for tomorrow is to take my laptop to get cleaned because we're starting rehearsals on Sunday and my Zoom connection is always terrible. Apparently, if there's too much crap on your computer, it affects the connection, so that will give me a sense of purpose for the day. I might walk into town - that would take about an hour - and the weather is meant to be nice tomorrow. I can always get the bus home afterwards.
My friend has just put a doom and gloom story in our group chat about Covid, which is threatening the positivity scale, but I've chosen to ignore it. Apparently, the new strain is 'more deadly' - I'm willing to take my chances. Anyway, enough about that horrible topic.
I got a free desk calendar in the post today at work, that was pretty cool. I didn't smoke all day, challenging, and I was tempted a couple of times, but I made it. I'm just taking it one day at a time. No big promises. That's all I can cope with at present. I just figure the more days I get without giving in and smoking, the more I'm building up that part of the brain that doesn't want to smoke anymore, and reaffirming it slowly but surely, and weakening the other threads that love a good dose of tar and nicotine every day. Rome wasn't built in a day, hey hey hey.
That's it for now, watched Mary Queen of Scots tonight, nice acting but underwhelming overall. Might read a bit more of the monk now and get an early night.
I'm trying to keep the positivity flowing, did okay today. I normally have some wine on a Friday, but I gave it a skip this evening, as I really want to wake up fresh tomorrow. I ate too much for dinner so my stomach is a bit sore but I feel well in general.
I was kind of worried I'd picked up Covid because my breathing has got a bit laboured, but my heart rate is fine, and I honestly think it could be the weight gain taking its toll a bit. It's pissing me off, to be honest. I'm just a lot more out of puff when I go for a run now, which is a disaster. Maybe it's my lungs clearing out some of the bad stuff as well, I'm not sure. I'll keep an eye on it. But I've no cough or anything, so I think I'm okay. It's easy to get paranoid.
The plan for tomorrow is to take my laptop to get cleaned because we're starting rehearsals on Sunday and my Zoom connection is always terrible. Apparently, if there's too much crap on your computer, it affects the connection, so that will give me a sense of purpose for the day. I might walk into town - that would take about an hour - and the weather is meant to be nice tomorrow. I can always get the bus home afterwards.
My friend has just put a doom and gloom story in our group chat about Covid, which is threatening the positivity scale, but I've chosen to ignore it. Apparently, the new strain is 'more deadly' - I'm willing to take my chances. Anyway, enough about that horrible topic.
I got a free desk calendar in the post today at work, that was pretty cool. I didn't smoke all day, challenging, and I was tempted a couple of times, but I made it. I'm just taking it one day at a time. No big promises. That's all I can cope with at present. I just figure the more days I get without giving in and smoking, the more I'm building up that part of the brain that doesn't want to smoke anymore, and reaffirming it slowly but surely, and weakening the other threads that love a good dose of tar and nicotine every day. Rome wasn't built in a day, hey hey hey.
That's it for now, watched Mary Queen of Scots tonight, nice acting but underwhelming overall. Might read a bit more of the monk now and get an early night.
Definitely easy to get paranoid. I wonder for a second every time I get out of breath!
Sounds sensible. We're all works in progress.
Walking into town sounds nice. I'll be picking up my take-away on foot instead of getting it delivered, just to have a real goal for a walk again for a change. Well, and because all the delivery services take part of the profit from already struggling restaurants, of course.
- Thanks LaMa. The morning kind of ran away from me, so I drove in, but I did take a nice walk while I was in town, so it worked out okay.
I had a nice, if fairly dull, Saturday. I woke up at about half 9, lingered in bed for a bit, then my mum rang, which is great sign. She's definitely on the mend and she had a good sleep, which is what I really want for her right now. What's lovely is that she felt a bit distant from her siblings over the last while, and they've all rang her and asked her how she is after this mini-operation, and I think she realises that even though they are all caught up in their own lives and their kids' lives, they do care for her and love her and want to see her well. So that's cool.
Anyway, after our call, I got moving and the amazing thing is that when I went into town and was going up the storeys of the very empty car park, I saw the family car, and Dad was in there! He does go into town on a Saturday and gets free parking for a couple of hours and reads the paper, but I never normally see him. But I spotted him today. So we got to chat for about ten minutes or so. Of course, I'm in an awful panic about giving him Covid and him passing it on to my weakened mum, so I just talked to him outside the window. Anyway, it cheered my heart for a bit to see him in person.
It was freezing cold, so I didn't linger too long, and went to the laptop place to get my laptop cleaned. I got a cinnamon bun and coffee and had it in the park, then I went for a walk. I came home, my housemate actually asked how my mum was doing - she does have a heart after all! She'd bought the paper so she offered me some sections to read, which I really appreciated. I'm going to continue my positive stance with her and hopefully we will reach some kind of equilibrium. Maybe my monk book is working.
Got a call then that my laptop was ready for collection, so went back in to get it, and home again. My stomach has been sore all day - got a takeaway curry last night, ate way too much, haven't had much of an appetite all day. My body has finally had enough. My body fat today was the highest ever recorded on my Fitbit, which was a bad moment for me. I do have a new system in place, might share it at some point, but I am making some strides. The results might not show for a bit, but that's okay. If I keep on this path, the only way is up.
I had a nice, if fairly dull, Saturday. I woke up at about half 9, lingered in bed for a bit, then my mum rang, which is great sign. She's definitely on the mend and she had a good sleep, which is what I really want for her right now. What's lovely is that she felt a bit distant from her siblings over the last while, and they've all rang her and asked her how she is after this mini-operation, and I think she realises that even though they are all caught up in their own lives and their kids' lives, they do care for her and love her and want to see her well. So that's cool.
Anyway, after our call, I got moving and the amazing thing is that when I went into town and was going up the storeys of the very empty car park, I saw the family car, and Dad was in there! He does go into town on a Saturday and gets free parking for a couple of hours and reads the paper, but I never normally see him. But I spotted him today. So we got to chat for about ten minutes or so. Of course, I'm in an awful panic about giving him Covid and him passing it on to my weakened mum, so I just talked to him outside the window. Anyway, it cheered my heart for a bit to see him in person.
It was freezing cold, so I didn't linger too long, and went to the laptop place to get my laptop cleaned. I got a cinnamon bun and coffee and had it in the park, then I went for a walk. I came home, my housemate actually asked how my mum was doing - she does have a heart after all! She'd bought the paper so she offered me some sections to read, which I really appreciated. I'm going to continue my positive stance with her and hopefully we will reach some kind of equilibrium. Maybe my monk book is working.
Got a call then that my laptop was ready for collection, so went back in to get it, and home again. My stomach has been sore all day - got a takeaway curry last night, ate way too much, haven't had much of an appetite all day. My body has finally had enough. My body fat today was the highest ever recorded on my Fitbit, which was a bad moment for me. I do have a new system in place, might share it at some point, but I am making some strides. The results might not show for a bit, but that's okay. If I keep on this path, the only way is up.
Great to hear your mom siblings reconnected. It sucks to feel cut off from your family. And how lovely that you got a live chat with your dad!
Sucks about the bodyfat measurement so fingers crossed for your new system. Curious to hear what it is once you're ready to share
Sucks about the bodyfat measurement so fingers crossed for your new system. Curious to hear what it is once you're ready to share
Oh yeah, I will share at some stage LaMa. I just want to make sure I stick with it for a while first, haha. Sometimes when I share on here, I tend to immediately screw up, so trying not to do that this time.
I haven't really felt like posting this week, for some reason. I'm actually thinking of setting up my own weight loss blog, just to try to get reinvigorated about the whole adventure again. I don't know. I don't want to stop posting here at the same time.
I haven't been eating well this week, but I went for a 1 hour 20 min walk this evening, which was something. I actually bumped into someone from the drama group that I really needed to discuss a few things with, so it was even more worthwhile than usual. It's so nice chatting face-to-face with someone, even if it's only for 10 minutes or so. It gave me a bit of a lift.
This week I've mostly spent working and doing a few rehearsals over Zoom. It hasn't really been a noteworthy week but it has whizzed by. I spoke to my mother a few times as well over the last few days - she's still in recovery mode but I think she sounds better. She's had lots of friends phoning her to see how she's doing, which I know she loves. She just needs to catch up on all the sleep she's missed out on. She's still got a bad sleeping pattern going on, which is really unfortunate. I don't know how to help her with that. That's one thing that has not let me down yet - even when things are incredibly shitty, I can nearly always get a proper night's sleep. Even when I was genuinely really afraid about Mum a couple of weeks ago, I still nodded off easily enough. Thank God for small mercies, eh?
That's kind of it really. Looking forward to the weekend - trying to make it a wine-free weekend. I think I can manage it. I am also considering booking in with a hypnotist as a kind of wild attempt at finally giving up smoking. I think I can finally say that I'm 'ready' - it might just help me over the final hurdle. I'm going to look up a website now that I saw on a sign on the way to work earlier.
I haven't really felt like posting this week, for some reason. I'm actually thinking of setting up my own weight loss blog, just to try to get reinvigorated about the whole adventure again. I don't know. I don't want to stop posting here at the same time.
I haven't been eating well this week, but I went for a 1 hour 20 min walk this evening, which was something. I actually bumped into someone from the drama group that I really needed to discuss a few things with, so it was even more worthwhile than usual. It's so nice chatting face-to-face with someone, even if it's only for 10 minutes or so. It gave me a bit of a lift.
This week I've mostly spent working and doing a few rehearsals over Zoom. It hasn't really been a noteworthy week but it has whizzed by. I spoke to my mother a few times as well over the last few days - she's still in recovery mode but I think she sounds better. She's had lots of friends phoning her to see how she's doing, which I know she loves. She just needs to catch up on all the sleep she's missed out on. She's still got a bad sleeping pattern going on, which is really unfortunate. I don't know how to help her with that. That's one thing that has not let me down yet - even when things are incredibly shitty, I can nearly always get a proper night's sleep. Even when I was genuinely really afraid about Mum a couple of weeks ago, I still nodded off easily enough. Thank God for small mercies, eh?
That's kind of it really. Looking forward to the weekend - trying to make it a wine-free weekend. I think I can manage it. I am also considering booking in with a hypnotist as a kind of wild attempt at finally giving up smoking. I think I can finally say that I'm 'ready' - it might just help me over the final hurdle. I'm going to look up a website now that I saw on a sign on the way to work earlier.