Emily Rose: The Reboot

Em I got gorgeous brown based recyable paper in a newsagents this year and paper gift tags . I say you will find some in smaller shops.

Yep I just mentioned brexit etc it's all horrible but you tell it better than I . Seriously you need to consider writing a bit or blogging or something . It's sad seeing all the people in the airports and the lorry drivers at the ports . Some have been there over 5 days with cargo . It's a cluster f@@k .

Hope your mum improves. You remind me a bit of my sis in law and her mother . Her mother dumps all on her and it drags her down too . Only daughter also. Hope it gets better .
 
Em I meant to comment that I have been eating proper food recently and I'm not hungry and I have lost a bit of weight . Keep it up it's so much more satisfying
 
- Thanks LaMa. My dad got it for me. Haha.
- To be fair to her Petal, my mother doesn't mean to dump it on me. It's just when she gets down, the whole atmosphere in the house is awful.

Mum had a good call with the doctor today that cheered her up a bit, so Christmas is saved! Thank God.

I finished up in work today, also thank God. It was a pleasant enough day. One of the women in work who I have issues with from time to time was in with me today, and she shared some of her cake, which was lovely. We had a nice day together. Great to end the year on a good note there and a fresh start for all in the New Year.

Doom and gloom has continued on the news and airwaves. People were ringing up today nearly crying because their sons and daughters won't be with them for Christmas. The Ryanair CEO got a grilling for their tone deaf marketing campaigns, which was interesting. His line of defence is that 'he didn't have the ad in question in front of him.' He got really flustered. I was kind of on his side. I mean, what are they meant to do? They have a business to run. And it's in the toilet at the moment. It might be ethically questionable to promote last minute flights when the UK government has asked people not to travel, but there's also people's jobs on the line.

I just don't know what's right or wrong anymore when it comes to this thing. There was an archbishop on to say that he agreed with the limitations to people attending mass but that the funeral restrictions of 10 were very hard on people. I agree with him. It's so harsh. He was arguing that it's a rational decision when it comes to public health but grief isn't a rational thing. People need support when going through something like that. It was interesting.

I tried to play tennis with Dad today but it was lashing rain, so I just talked to him in the car for half an hour instead. It was nice. I got him a gift voucher for the sports shop this evening, as he badly needs new sports gear. I met my friend for the film as well, he was a bit down. We were the only two people in the cinema, which was great, cos we could comment on the film and we had a bit of a laugh. It was fun.
 
I'm glad we've never done super traditional Christmas stuff so it's not such a big deal for either me or my family. It's a shame but other times will come. Funerals are a different beast. The restrictions make sense but who wants to think about sense when they're grieving and/or supporting grieving loved ones. It's just hard and I hope spring will come soon, bringing outside-weather relief.
 
- Thanks LaMa. Yes, the funerals are a terrible one. Glad I don't have to think about it!
- Hi Rob. Yep, family time is always good for me. Happy Christmas to you also!
- Thanks Cate. We had a very nice day.

So the latest news is that my cousin has Covid. She's in her twenties, so she should be fine, but my uncle rang last night and she's had to spend the last week in her room, because her whole family got tested and they came back negative, so now she has to self-isolate until she gets retested in another week. It's pretty shit for them all. Even though her parents and brother tested negative, they obviously can't leave the house either, as they are all at risk now. I feel like our Christmas has been pretty good in comparison.

Mum is still having trouble with her tablet dose, but otherwise she is in good spirits. She's been forced to actually relax this Christmas and not rush around the place, which I feel is a positive thing. She seems to be going with it a bit more, which is great to see.

We had a lovely day yesterday. Dad outdid himself with the dinner, we had cheesecake for dessert, then played a game of Scrabble and watched Britain's Got Talent and Mrs. Brown' Boys (worst show on earth). I was in bed by 11. I stayed away from the wine at dinner and Irish coffees this year. I'm thinking of giving up alcohol completely for 2021. I'm not sure yet. I'm meant to be meeting SG tomorrow, and it kind of sucks to not be able to share a bottle of wine with him, but at the same time, I think I am done. I haven't been smoking or drinking the last few days, and I really feel I need to stop them both entirely. They are doing me no favours and I think Covid makes everything worse. So I am getting very down about them. I'll see how I feel tomorrow, I think that's the best way. But drinking on my own is a definite no-no for the coming year. I am over that nonsense.

I went for a 5k run this morning and yesterday morning - very difficult, but I got through it. Mum got me lovely new running shoes for Christmas, they are like running on a cloud, just fab. I'm going to go for another shorter run tomorrow and the pool is open, so I will probably go for a swim as well.

I wish I didn't have this problem with drinking and could look forward to my meal with SG tomorrow like a normal person. But I just hate the hangovers now, and the guilt, and I'm just... I want to cancel so that the decision is taken out of my hands. I don't want to hurt him but I feel under such pressure with trying to balance everything.
 
I'm glad you had a nice Christmas, Em. It would have helped your Mum feel a bit better. I hope they get her meds right soon. Why not try eating a meal with SG without drinking any alcohol & see how you go. I understand your dilemma.
 
- Thanks LaMa. I guess when we meet up, we usually have food and drinks, so... I have spent an evening with him without it. I told him I am giving up for January anyway.
- Thanks Cate. She's still suffering a little but she texted me today and had a better night's sleep yesterday. The whole house was awake at 4 in the morning the night before, which was very upsetting.

I had a very happy day today. SG called over last night but the time we spent together this morning/afternoon was probably the best time we've ever spent together (in my opinion). I just felt relaxed and enjoyed talking to him and being near him. It was great. I won't see him now for almost 3 weeks, which suits me fine. I think this arrangement is the perfect one for me right now. I think it's all as it should be. :)

I continued my happy day after dropping SG home and went for a swim. I felt really good in the water. It is such a fantastic thing to do to switch off and reset your whole system. The rest of the evening I have spent watching a few episodes of The Affair and mooching around on the internet. I've enjoyed that too.

I can honestly say I am loving every second of this break and I feel that I am getting more centred day by day. It's such a relief to just be able to relax and not have to plan or stress or even think really. It's glorious. This is the best I've felt in a while.

I am back in my rented house this evening, but tomorrow I will go home again and spend the rest of the holiday there. I think my mum needs me right now. She texted me today that she's looking forward to seeing me again. I think it gives her a boost just to have somebody else in the house, particularly when she can't have any of the neighbours over or meet any of her friends for tea or something like that. It's kind of a lonely time for everyone really.

Emilyrose said:
Tennis Day 3 - not great. The woman I was playing against was far too good. She was also not enjoying playing against me, and when it started to rain, she suggested we take a 'break', which was just delay tactics for less court time. Having said that, tennis is amazing for the mind and body and I feel great after the workout. I think because you have to be concentrating all the time, it really empties my head of a lot of the nonsense I carry around with me, so it's just so good for me. I hope I get some more games next week and find some people that are at my level and where we both get a lot out of the hour.
Click to expand...

I've dug up this post from back at the start of June just to further emphasise the kind of day I've had. The woman I played against on day 3 texted me earlier and asked me for a singles game sometime. What a turnaround! :coolgleamA: Delighted with myself and the progress that I've made.
 
Wow, that's great to hear! And I can't even say which part sounds best :D But it's lovely that you were able to relax with SG and the call from the sceptical tennis lady sounds like such a boost.
 
Thanks guys, yesterday really was a great day.

Today was a little bit less great. Not bad, just a bit testing at times.

My mother asked me two things that really annoyed me tonight:
1. What would you like to see happen for you in 2021? (Implication: Your life now isn't good enough.)
2. Have you been eating a lot of takeaways? (Implication: You've got fat.)

I just feel like all the good feeling and confidence I had from my lovely day with SG was swept away by those two statements. I just find the stuff people say to me sometimes extremely trying. I never feel good enough. This is the kind of stuff that sends me into a spiral and makes me want to eat/drink/smoke it all away. I'm at home this evening, so those options aren't really available to me. I'm trying to experience the feeling but not punish myself for letting someone down. I know how much I'm trying and I know how challenging this year has been. If I've put on a bit of weight, so fucking what? I just hate this feeling of not measuring up. It's horrendous. It makes me feel so sad and powerless.

I am going to start tracking my food again. I am not really going to try to control it until New Year.

Today's food:
  • 2 x acai tablets; hot water & lemon; 1 panadol; aloe vera drink
  • tea with milk & honey; natural yoghurt, walnuts, blueberries
  • 4 slices watermelon; ground coffee & coconut milk
  • 2 scrambled eggs, milk, salt, pepper, tomatoes, grana padano cheese; 1 small roll & butter
  • 1 slice toast, butter & marmalade; green tea; 11 mango pieces
  • creme egg 40 g; decaf coffee & milk; 2 afternoon tea biscuits; 2 heroes chocolates
  • homemade veg lasagne, carrots, yellow pepper, beetroot, mixed leaves, tomatoes, sweet potato fries, relish, coleslaw

Exercise:
Interval run
 
Emilyrose said:
My mother asked me two things that really annoyed me tonight:
1. What would you like to see happen for you in 2021? (Implication: Your life now isn't good enough.)
2. Have you been eating a lot of takeaways? (Implication: You've got fat.)
Click to expand...
That first one would just be a typical end-of-year question in my family, trying to stay involved in each other's lives but no deeper meaning. The second? Definitely either weight or money related, depending on context. Are there any favorite "home" dishes that you don't know how to cook yourself? Maybe it could be fun to do some cooking with your parents and make the best of a (probably well-meant but still) unpleasant question.
 
Hi LaMa. Yeah, she asked me again today, I don't think she means any harm to be honest. I'm over it anyway. Our family dinners are too complex for one person to cook, I think you can understand that.

So, Ireland is back in lockdown from tomorrow evening on. :( Tennis has been taken away from me again. I can't even use 'go to the gym regularly' as my New Year's resolution this year, as they are all closed for the next month. For fuck sake! We'll be a nation of obese introverts by the end of this crap.

I did get out for a game with Dad today, which was great, and I have my last swim for a month booked for the morning. It's like, everyone expected this would happen, but it's still a real kick in the teeth when they announce it. January is already bad enough. I also am trying not to think about work, but this doesn't make my job any easier, as you can imagine. The pressure is on even in the good times. These are absolutely not the good times.

Anyway, at least I am getting lots of rest and I am regenerating a bit and will hopefully be feeling fresh and as optimistic as possible by next Monday. Not thinking about it now for the rest of the week!

I came back to my rented house after the tennis game, had a shower, some food and just chilled out watching a movie in bed for the afternoon. Bliss. I also emptied the dishwasher and changed the bin. Not a total lazy bitch. Contributed to my community. My housemate has been working the last two days, absolute nightmare. It's shit not to get that proper switch-off.

I went back to my parents' house for dinner, but my mum was taking part in some online thing and my dad went grocery shopping after dinner, so I'm back in my rented house again for the night, which is fine. I'm probably going to watch another film. Or else start that new series Bridgerton, it's meant to be good. I love a well-written period drama.

SG contacted me today to say he thinks he wants to take things to the next level. I told him I wasn't sure and let's just keep it casual for now. He just wants me to let him know if I can never see this as more than just a friends with benefits thing, as otherwise 'feelings will get hurt'. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I need more time I think. He also told me I've inspired him to quit smoking weed during the week and start working out again. Lol! I find it funny that I am the inspiration for these things when I am in close to the worst shape of my life. Ah, life, you mad bastard.

But yeah, I have to work out a strategy to get through January in the most positive way possible. Running and yoga daily at the very least.
 
Sorry to hear you'll be back in lockdown as well. Here it started on the 26th, I think, and will last until January 17th. Boooring.
The stuff my mom cooks generally isn't suitable for a one-person household either, but I like knowing how she does it anyway. Possibly because when I moved out at almost-18 I realized I didn't even know how long to boil potatoes (10 minutes? 40?) Because while I helped in the kitchen often enough all I ever did was follow orders without ever engaging my brain :rotflmao:
 
- Hi LaMa. Yeah, I get what you mean, it's good to learn more at any stage when it comes to cooking.
- Alive but not living, Cate? ;) But I get you! I am a 20 minute drive away, nothing too bad. This lockdown is pretty much the same as the 6 week one we had until the 1st of December. No travelling more than 5k from your home, non-essential retail closed, gyms/golf courses etc. closed, work from home if possible, and so on and so forth.

Happy New Year everyone! I really hope this year is a very positive one. I'm going to do a little review of 2020 for myself and from my learnings, try to develop a strategy for the year ahead.

2020 - The Good:
- Discovered a real passion for tennis. Joined a club, which probably wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for Covid. Met some lovely people and developed a new skill.
- Took a real leadership role in the drama club and kept the show on the road for most of the year. Definitely helped people by continuing with the classes, which was more for them than for me, if I am being honest. Felt like I was contributing to my community in a positive way.
- Had a night away with SG and gave this dating thing a go for the first time properly. Definitely something to continue to develop, but I am happy to finally be moving out of my shell and giving someone a real chance.
- Got a pay rise in work and kept my position during a particularly challenging year when it comes to employment. Company continued to do well, so did not have financial strife this year, which is fantastic.
- Have a really great bond with my parents. I loved meeting Dad regularly for our tennis games and I am getting on with my mother better than ever. They are fab. Covid has made me realise how very lucky I am.

2020 - The Bad:
- I have fallen out of love with my job in a big way. I feel stressed out, frazzled and unhappy when I think about returning to work on Monday. This is a new thing for me. It is probably the Covid factor, but I think I've realised that I need a less frenetic pace and less demanding work environment going forward. Something to think about for the first half of 2021.
- A huge amount of weight gain this year. Very disappointing, but probably inevitable, given the circumstances.
- Mum's health issues towards the end of the year. Still not resolved, but I am hopeful for 2021.

2020 - The Ugly:
- Obviously, a pandemic like we've all experienced this year is incredibly difficult for everyone. I've been lucky in that no one I know has died from it or even been that ill from it. I also haven't experienced personal fallout like losing my job, which has also affected so many people. But, the thing is, your scenario doesn't have to be the worst possible in order for you to have experienced sadness and some trauma from all this. It's been incredibly tough and being surrounded by constant bad news and hysteria would be challenging for even the most grounded, happy person on earth. It's been hard, but I hope 2021 turns out to be a lot more optimistic a year.
- My addiction issues really came to the forefront this year. I buried my head in the sand and just drank, smoked and ate my way through this pandemic. I am trying to not feel shame about this or dwell on it - what's done is done. A little pot belly, bad skin, some bad days at work and some friction with my housemate are the worst things that have happened because of it. Nothing that can't be fixed! So, I have a real chance for the year ahead to change this - quit the smokes, limit the drinking, and make massive improvements to my diet.

That's it for now, more on 2021 goals tomorrow.
 
Nice post Emily! I like how you started with the good, and you did accomplish a lot this year, I am happy you think of that first. Also a good analysis of what you need to work on next year, I particularly like what you said about the bad and ugly, nothing that can't be changed. Now I look forward to watching you do it!

Happy New Year!!
 
Looks like a pretty successful year, despite everything!
 
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