Emily Rose: The Reboot

- Thank you for your nice comment Rob, here's to a great year ahead!
- Yeah LaMa, it doesn't look too bad at all. :)

Happy New Year everyone!

Normally, I start off here on the 1st of January with all sorts of unrealistic expectations for the year ahead, so I decided not to do that this year. I'm still in my parents' house, no weighing scales here, so I am going to leave my first weigh-in of the year until Monday. Then I will start to implement a strategy to carry me through for the whole year. I haven't decided just yet what that strategy may be.

I've also been thinking about the quitting of cigarettes - still going strong, day 2. I am worried about what's going to happen next week. It's easier when I'm at home and I'm not really watching my food intake too closely either. When I start to do that, the panicked feeling sets in, and I just want to smoke again. I don't know what to do but I'm taking it a day at a time right now.

For 2021, my only goal is to make my health a priority. This means cut down/cut out smoking and drinking and get back to a normal weight and body fat percentage. So that is approx. 165 pounds and 30% body fat as a goal. I have a long way to go but it can definitely be achieved in one year.

I don't think there's really any point in having any other goals - one goal is all you need. Obviously, there are other things in my life that need work, but this is the only one I am going to put all my energy into for now. Once that is achieved, I'll take another look around and see what else I need to work on.

My mum is still a bit out of sorts, but we went for a lovely woodland walk today near my house which really cheered her up. I also got a nice text message from my housemate to say thanks for the present. And my mum and I bumped into my friend with her husband and his parents at the woods with their new dog, which was great. I have a small bonus wedding gift for them, so I am going to meet her next week for a walk with the puppy and I will give it to her then. So a good day overall!
 
Sounds like a lovely start to the year and a good goal. I agree that having too many goals just takes away your focus and makes it hard to make any headway at all. Do you know what it is about watching your food that makes you feel panicky?
 
I feel the same way about the new year, Em. I don't want to set myself up to fail this time. Making health a priority sounds like a good goal. The woodland walk with your Mum sounds nice. I hope she continues to pick up xo
 
- I think I start to panic when I start to build a good life for myself LaMa. There's a part of me that feels like I don't deserve to be happy.
- Yeah, I love my mum Cate. She's not the easiest person in the world to be around, especially when she's sick. I might expand on that at some point.

I was very sad to leave my home this evening and drive back to my rented place. It was really like a safe haven for the last week, despite my mum not being well. I actually spent a lot more time than normal at home this Christmas, simply because I thought that my being there was doing her good. I know that my parents are probably disappointed that I don't have a partner or a house at this stage of my life. Not that it keeps them awake at night or anything (at least I don't think so!) but I guess that's probably surprising for them in some ways.

SG has gone from ambivalent to super-keen - he wanted me to tell my parents 'Happy New Year' from him, he's talking about me coming to Spain with him as soon as we can safely fly again. I wish I was crazy about him - all this would be music to my ears. I'm just not crazy about him. I was crazy about Work Colleague - I don't know why I can't be mad about someone that is single and actually really likes me. I feel kind of under pressure with this. I guess I've never had someone pursue me for this amount of time.

The great thing about SG is that he has made me happier about my body - he seems to like me as I am and gives me wild compliments. I have a really ugly, unflattering dressing gown that he claims is 'sexy.' That made me laugh.

This might come across as mean, but my mother is actually the most critical, pernickety woman that you can meet. My friends all think she is this wise woman with loads of helpful comments. She is a fucking nightmare. And she hates that about herself, and I hate her for it. I cannot walk into a room without a comment on my coat or my jeans or the fact that I eat scrambled eggs for breakfast sometimes. I have friends like that too. And the horrible part is that when I was with SG earlier in the week, I became that critical beast, and I abhor it. I don't want to be that person.

And I realise that a therapist might inform me that a lot of the shortcomings I feel I have as a person stem from her. I mean, SG was telling me how sexy I was and how much he liked my body. I have really big boobs, inherited from mother and grandmother (the exact same in photos). My mother hates her boobs. She's always looking down at them in disgust. She stoops when she walks cos she thinks it 'hides them'. I don't think that's been a positive thing for me.

I am overweight now but I still think I look attractive and sexy. My mum is close to the lowest weight she should be because she has been ill. It's been a point of discussion the last week. I think she just wants a thin, beautiful daughter to brag about and I refuse to give that to her. But the person that is really losing out is me. I honestly think people pandering to me when I look a certain way pisses me off. I don't deserve that attention for doing nothing more than putting on makeup and denying myself food. That is fairly depressing to me.
 
Hey Emily, another nice post, and
Emilyrose said:
For 2021, my only goal is to make my health a priority.
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Is great, that is really the only thing that matters, make progress on that goal and you will be doing well indeed.
Emilyrose said:
I am overweight now but I still think I look attractive and sexy
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I am sure that's true, I believe you likely look just fine. The reason for doing this is your health, not that it's bad, but lose a few pounds and cut the smoking and it will be better and last more years. I think you will also feel better about yourself.

You can do this!
 
I think it's good to be aware of these things and to practice contradicting the inner mean critic when it speaks up. It's tough.
 
Emilyrose said:
This might come across as mean, but my mother is actually the most critical, pernickety woman that you can meet. My friends all think she is this wise woman with loads of helpful comments. She is a fucking nightmare. And she hates that about herself, and I hate her for it. I cannot walk into a room without a comment on my coat or my jeans or the fact that I eat scrambled eggs for breakfast sometimes. I have friends like that too. And the horrible part is that when I was with SG earlier in the week, I became that critical beast, and I abhor it. I don't want to be that person.
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I feel for you on that one my own mother is one of those hyper critical people. I've found over the years (an through lots of therapy) that the important thing (aside from setting healthy boundaries) is not taking over for her when she's not around. It's hard but recognizing the behavior is the first step to correcting it. Good luck, I know it's hard.
 
It's very hard to break away from the stuff we grew up with.
Emilyrose said:
I still think I look attractive and sexy.
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Hold that thought, Em.
I think we all sound like our Mum's sometimes(the traits we dislike anyway) & at least you are aware of it. It is very flattering that SG has it bad for you. Do you think your feelings might change towards him?
 
alligatorob said:
The reason for doing this is your health, not that it's bad, but lose a few pounds and cut the smoking and it will be better and last more years. I think you will also feel better about yourself.
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- I think that's very true Rob.
- Yeah, I've realised that I've let it run rampant for too long LaMa.
- Thanks MM. I love her all the same. She has improved so much over the years, but bad times make it easier to slip back into bad habits.
- I don't know Cate. I'll see.

Things are very difficult at the moment, I am sorry to report. My mum went back into hospital today. I rang her this evening and she had just taken some sleeping tablets and she sounded so weak and zonked out of it. I got really scared. I kept trying to say goodbye to her so she could sleep, but she wasn't hanging up the phone, and yet she could barely talk. It's really upset me, to be honest. I am officially worried. Please God she gets the help she needs this time and that this is the start of things turning around.

Obviously, this is the only thing that really matters right now. I had a bad night's sleep myself last night - I kind of got the feeling something was up. I said I'd wait for my parents to ring me, because to be honest, I'm just barely keeping myself going at the moment. So I didn't hear from Dad until this evening after 9pm. I was doing a yoga video and he rang on Whatsapp, so I thought I'd ring him back in 10 minutes when I'd finished the video, but then he rang again on the normal line, and I knew it was bad news. Fucking disaster. I am just so over the world right now. It's like a living nightmare.

I've been trying to look after myself today. I went for a walk at lunchtime, a run after work, and did that yoga video too. I was really tired and anxious all day. I made the mistake of turning on the news in the car driving home from work, and there was some moany teacher on, and I just ended up shouting at the radio and turning it off. It's a minefield right now.

I really hope and pray my mum will be okay. :(
 
Thanks very much everyone for your kind messages.

She's not doing too bad today. She has one more night in hospital and then they're sending her home tomorrow. She's on a new tablet and she has to get a procedure done in a month's time. If successful (80% chance), she can stay off the tablets forever more. So she's happier and hopefully the new tablet won't be as severe on her system and she'll start sleeping again. I really feel sorry for her, she's been through a very tough time. Even last night, she had taken her sleeping tablet while on the phone to me at around 10 pm, and she still woke up at 2 am and didn't sleep much after that. This has been going on for a good few months now. I guess she's coped pretty well, taking that into consideration! I get cranky when I don't get 7 hours sleep.

I left my home this morning to go to work and there was loads of snow outside! I did not expect that. It is so cold here at the moment. I'm in my bed with 2 duvets and a blanket, the heating is on, I'm wearing two jumpers, and I'm still cold. I actually haven't been feeling that well myself lately. I think I have a really bad reaction to too much heating. My lips are so dry and I can't seem to drink enough water. I have the exact same problem with air conditioning. It's weird.

I went for my lunchtime walk today and I'm going to do some yoga this evening, but probably won't get out for a walk due to the icy conditions. This lockdown is really difficult when the weather is like this. It's only ten past 7 and I feel like I've ran out of things to do already. I don't really feel like watching anything, I'm too tired to read... I might prep my lunch for tomorrow, that would be a productive thing to do. Then yoga, then just go to sleep? I feel like my life is just passing me by. It's so sad. I guess I feel this is a time in my life that should be really fun and exciting and it's just empty. I know it's the same for everyone, blah blah. But it's still pretty crap.

Not much else to say, work is going well this week, had good meeting with my manager today and I've been really focused all week because a) I've just decided to not allow myself to think about the tasks I have to do/don't want to do anymore and just do it and b) I've stopped drinking wine when I have work the next day and c) The break has really helped revitalise me. So all good on that front at least. For now... :p
 
Great to hear things are looking a bit better for your mom! Not being able to sleep for prolonged periods of time is terribly rough so fingers crossed the new meds will help.
Emilyrose said:
I think I have a really bad reaction to too much heating. My lips are so dry and I can't seem to drink enough water. I have the exact same problem with air conditioning. It's weird.
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Both tend to dry out the air so that would make sense. You could set up a... don't know what it's called. Humidifier? Or just hang up a wet towel in your room.
 
Hi Em sounds lnice me you are off to a reasonable start this year . Best wishes to your mum .hope her procedure helps Sounds like SG is a good guy and fun to be with . Hard to believe we are on the last day of the first week .
Snow here too and we still have it . Hope it is gone soon . Have a great weekend
 
- Thanks LaMa. I don't know the solution yet but I might try the towel thing.
- Have a lovely weekend too Petal.

I have been watching a few documentaries on extreme sports the last few days on Netflix. They all involve exotic locations and super-fit people, and I am enjoying them. Takes me away from the grey of the world a bit right now.

I work with a really nice girl in her mid-20s who was in the office with me today. She's just so exuberant and full of life and reminds me of the way I used to be not so long ago. Sad to report that I feel unbelievably drained at the moment. I've had some wine this evening, so this post will probably be a bit dramatic, but I have been very mindful of going into work fresh all week and have stayed away from the stuff. Anyway, my point is that she's all excited about life and planning trips away when the Covid nightmare ends, and she was asking me today what my goals for 2021 are. And I just felt a bit like a rabbit in headlights - couldn't comprehend having to come up with a plan right now - as if I have all the time in the world to be wasting! These are crucial years. But, I guess to put a positive spin on it, it kind of got the wheels turning a bit.

What I want for 2021:
- Get on the tennis team
- Act in a play
- Fall in love
- Get into shape
- Earn a substantial amount of money outside of my normal job to give me more freedom in the coming years

I think that's enough for now. All of the above are quite difficult to achieve, to be honest. The pandemic is playing a huge role in my life (or lack of it) right now.

I was also annoyed with my mum earlier because she's so psycho about the pandemic and doesn't want me to come home for the next couple of weeks. I understand it, but it still annoys me. She's out of hospital so we can go back to our default antagonistic relationship. Haha.

Anyway, week 1 of the year has gone okay. I am definitely going to keep up the yoga and do some more running when the frost clears. I have to really work on improving my diet over the next few weeks. I ate such a healthy lunch today but I've been skipping breakfast all week and not making dinner, and those lazy habits have to change. I think I am getting closer to reaching a better equilibrium all the same.
 
Em I think you can give a good stab of 3 out of your 5 action points . You can probably guess what 3 . The other 2 one will happen whenever it hits , hope it's this year for you and the last if you find a way let me know how could do with extra cash lol !!!

What about making like habit changes for now with diet , too much will overwhelm . So for next week why not just have a breakfast .

Hope your weekend is good x
 
Haha, I will let you know my cash-on-the-side money-making secrets for sure Petal! :) Why not put it out there as a goal and see what happens, eh?

I binged big time tonight. I think I have a serious case of the Mondays. I have to find some ways to tackle it. I think I am just seriously unhappy in work, my life, where I am right now... I was awake half the night wondering if I should just end things with SG before it goes any further. I don't really know if being with him makes me happy or just stresses me out. Like, I know I'll have a serious lack of sleep if I meet up with him Saturday, which will affect my Monday and Tuesday of the following week. He just wants to stay up super late and talk and drink etc. and I just... don't want to do that anymore. Or I don't want to do that with him, anyhow. I just feel like all my life I've compromised myself for what other people want, because I think they won't stick around if I don't. I'm really tired of doing that. I'm really tired in general, to be honest.

Life isn't too bad - I had a nice weekend. Met some friends for a walk in the woods and a coffee after on Saturday, but again went along with the earlier time they suggested to meet, even though it didn't suit me. Still, I enjoyed it. I had some drama club stuff on Sunday, again didn't feel like going, but it was great in the end.

I'm seriously at my wits' end with lockdowns and stuff. Totally necessary, I get it, but it's exacerbated my anxiety, and I am just so tired all the time. I feel like I have nothing worth doing most days. I'm watching a lot of extreme sports documentaries at the moment, and what I love about the people in them is that they are all in the flow of life and they love doing what they are doing. And, to be fair, some of them do it as a hobby and work a 'normal' job to fund it, so it's not like they are all professional athletes with loads of cash or anything. I just really feel boxed in in my life, I have for a long time. I think I liked my current job for a long time because most of the team were lovely and it was new and a challenge. I am just hating it lately. I am still giving as much as I can, but I just feel like I'm wasting my youth and energy doing something I don't care about.

I know this is the record player playing again and again on a longstanding loop. Ever since I started working in an office 13 years ago, I have hated it. It's been the interactions on the job and the great times outside of work with my team that have sustained me. But there's no more parties to be had right now so there is no reason for me to stay. I just don't know what skill I can bring to the world that would give me the freedom I crave. I think I am wasting my life. And I know this paints me as maybe deluded or someone who thinks they are special when they are just like everyone else. I know I'm not special. But I also think I'm brave and I've taken many risks before. And that could make all the difference.
 
Emilyrose said:
I just don't know what skill I can bring to the world that would give me the freedom I crave.
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50 years ago that was called midlife crisis (even though you're so young!). The time when you realize that if you want to make changes and live the life you thought you would when you were a kid it has to be now or it'll be too late. It sucks but it's pretty normal to feel that way at some point and different people find different ways of dealing with it. You're not being weird or prideful: just human :grouphug:
 
Hi LaMa, very insightful comment, I think you're right! You know what it is? I just recognise this time as a wonderful opportunity to kick my bad habits to the wall, and it is not coming so easy!

I had a very disrupted sleep last night, but the good hours I got over the weekend have served me well, and work today was fine. My colleague was a bit sad, and I think I gave her really good advice. She kind of repeats some of the stuff I say to her to her boyfriend, who I know a little bit, which I find kind of funny. I think in general, when it comes to work politics, I am pretty good at following my own advice. I think the worst thing in the world is to be jealous of other people getting opportunities that you feel should be yours - it is a recipe for disaster. To be honest, my own contribution is the one area that I am very confident in. I have found the first few weeks of the year have gone a lot better because I have the energy and focus back again. I was really lacking in that coming up to Christmas. I've managed to find my inner mojo once again.

I actually naturally like work. I always liked school. I like having a focus and things to do and all that. I know this seems contradictory to the last post I made. I know I give out about it a lot, but I don't think it's the job that makes me unhappy. It's just the whirling thoughts that are happening because of Covid. There is a natural feeling of anxiety in the air and it is really affecting me.

I was lying awake last night, thinking about how it's nearly a year of Covid and lockdowns already, and I have done nothing, and I am a failure, and I'm getting old, and it was all doom and gloom. But then I managed to take a step back and think - hang on a second girl - you kept a job going full time and got a pay increase during Covid, you have developed your personal relationships more in this year than ever before, you picked up a new skill and got kind of good at it in a short space of time (tennis, in case you were wondering :p), you are now the chairperson of the drama group you're in and have kept that train rolling in pandemic times. So, give yourself a fucking break! And I did say all this at my end of year summation, but I guess I just have to keep reminding myself of this stuff when things feel as static as they do right now.

And I am still smoking and I am still overweight and drinking too much, and these are the big things that I haven't managed to overcome, and that is what I was really sad about last night. But, I have made strides. I have a few smoke-free days per week now. A massive step forward. I can still run a 5k. The food is still a complete disaster, and has to be my main thing to tackle over the next few months. Before my 35th birthday. But I am tired of the same record playing. I really am.
 
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