Emily Rose: The Reboot

Thanks everyone for the kind words.

The good news is: She's okay! I think she's starting to feel better. She still needs to get scans to investigate the cause of the issues, but I'm not as worried about her as I was. I'm home for the weekend anyway, so it's nice to spend time with her. She's on new medication for her heart, which we think is causing the disruption to her bowel, but all of that will have to be looked into. I'm quite positive about it anyway. Thursday was very scary though.

I'm kind of taking a day off from everything today. I didn't even go for a walk. I just feel tired. The only thing I did today really was drive down to Bean & Leaf and get a coffee. I wanted a chai latte, but I ended up taking the wrong order and I didn't realise it until after I'd gone outside and taken a sip. Whoops. I think I got a soy latte instead. Disappointing. I might go back next Saturday and get the one I wanted.

Tennis is back from next Tuesday and the swimming pool too! I'm going to try to make out a new exercise schedule and stick to it. I'll have to see what tennis bookings I can make first and work around that, but I'm planning getting back to the gym and pool also. There will be no gym classes available, but I think even just using the machines to switch things up could be good. I'm excited! I feel so fat at the moment, and I think the fat will melt away once I get back into a good routine again. I know I haven't been completely lazy or anything, but the fact is that you have to do a lot more when you're working from home to keep the weight at bay. I also think that when I lived closer to town, I did a huge amount of walking without realising it, and that definitely helped maintain my weight. So I just have to stay consistent and I will see a change.

We're having salmon with potatoes and veg today, which will be nice. Roast chicken tomorrow, which is one of my favourites. So juicy. I'm not sure what I'll do for the rest of the evening. I stayed up late enough watching the Toy Show last night, so I might try to get to bed a bit earlier this evening. I've already been on Instagram, read some of the weekend paper, read some articles in a magazine... Nothing too taxing.

I feel good and quite relaxed. I am really looking forward to the Christmas phase of Covid. I need some fun and I need some distractions once again. And I'm okay with that.
 
Very glad your mom is feeling better. I hope the doctors can clear up the cause asap. Also: your Saturday sounds lovely.
 
That's excellent news about your Mum, Em!
You sound much more upbeat. I'm glad that you will be able to do the things that make you feel so much better. I know that this year has made me appreciate the good things in my life more than I did before. Are you home with your parents now? Food sounds yummy.
 
- Thanks LaMa. My whole weekend has been a tonic, I have to admit.
- Yep, I'm at home with them until later tonight Cate.

I've decided to stay in my parents' house until around half 9 tonight, so that when I get back to my rented house, it will be bedtime. Otherwise, I might be tempted to buy cigarettes or wine and undo the nourished, healthy feeling I have at the moment. I definitely feel the cigarettes are losing their power over me - today is day 3 and no cravings yet. I'm in an environment I don't associate with smoking, which helps. But still. Tomorrow will the difficult day, but I plan to stay off them until the next night out. Maybe I shouldn't plan anything and just enjoy this reprieve from them of 3 days. And reprieve from alcohol as well.

I met my friend earlier and we went on a really nice walk by the river. There's a new coffee truck opened up not far from my parents' house, so I got a latte there and he got an oat milk flat white. Very fancy. I saw a guy from school pushing a pram with his partner. He recognised me anyway, so that was good, and gave a friendly greeting. It's funny how people you used to spend all day every day with for years just become ghosts of the past as the years go on. I guess that's just how life is.

I'm really hungry now for dinner. Dad is cooking it in the kitchen. I'm in the living room with the stove lighting next to me. It's really cosy.

I got up this morning and did an interval run for nearly an hour. The walk with my friend took about two hours. So at least there's been a lot of movement today and I feel like I've earned a nice dinner. I think we're having crumble for dessert. Yum.

I've been watching The Affair the last few days, quite steamy!, but I'm really enjoying it. I really must try and get back into reading again and give the TV shows a break. I'm going to try to read A Christmas Carol over December. I meant to read it last year, didn't happen. I feel it's indicative of how poor my concentration is lately. Too much crap going through my head all the time. Hopefully, this weekend will help with that.

It's so nice having a whole evening stretching before me with nothing to do and nothing to worry about. I'm going to savour it.
 
Sounds great em and loads of walking is great. I watched the Affair , enjoyed it . Have you seen the undoing on sky Atlantic . It's pretty good .
Hope your mum is doing well . Are you going home for xmas
 
- Thanks Cate, it was restorative to a certain extent.
- Yeah, they're the best LaMa.
- I haven't watched The Undoing yet Petal, but my friend that I went on the walk with also recommended it to me yesterday, so I must check it out. I'll be home for a good few days over Christmas, definitely.

I actually felt really ill and tired today, which was unfortunate. Got a bit frightened I might have Covid, but I don't have a cough, so maybe it's just a general feeling of being unwell. Maybe there's bad juju in the house, wouldn't surprise me really. My housemate walked past me earlier carrying a huge weight, and I got the feeling she would be happy to lamp me with it. Eek. She's just a fucking asshole.

But yeah, felt miserable all day, really cold, really tired. Had to lie down for my lunch hour. Misery all round. Feel like I can't turn the heating on during the day, but I did anyway for half an hour. The place warmed up a bit and I felt better. I am literally Bob Cratchit at this point. I just need the fingerless gloves and I'll be sorted.

I really had to kill myself to keep going and work, then everything went wrong in the system I was in, and the whole day was just misery. I also have my review tomorrow, dreading that. I just don't feel positive about work at the moment. I'm doing it, numbers were good this week, but I kind of feel like having a temper tantrum myself. It's just a very trying time. They keep talking about the 'final push' before Christmas - I think I'm all pushed out.

I found an old diary of mine at the weekend and I swear to God, the things I was talking about... it was back in 1997, so I was 11. The topics I covered were - tennis (I didn't even remember going to camps at that point, but obviously I did), the people in school I liked or didn't like, books I was reading... It was actually scary. Nothing has changed!!! I actually had to put it down because it was so cringe. I might read a bit more over Christmas and post up something if it's particularly funny.

We also have a book in our house about our family history on my dad's side. Cate, feel free to stop reading here, hahaha. I went through a bit of it last night, it was so cool to read about my background. It had my dad's mother, then her father, his father, and all the way back to my great-great-grandfather who was born in 1800. My mother and I had been talking about how our ancestors had survived the famine. He was a farmer that rented land from one of the English landlords, but he had livestock, so I guess they were okay that way when the potato blight happened. He also became an agent for the landlord and collected rents from the other tenants!! The shame of it, haha. In the Englishman's pocket. But I wouldn't be here if he didn't do that, so in hindsight, it was fine. I don't even know if that was a good or bad thing at the time. I must write down the proper description for you, but it was something like that he was a big, quiet man who always wore a hat and was well-respected. Who knows really.

They also had truckloads of kids back in the day. I think one of the grandfathers had 12 kids. Actually, one of my dad's aunts also had 12 children, which I only found out last night. Madness! I know some of them.

Anyway, that's my history lesson for the evening. Nearly time for bed. I hope the week improves. Today was pretty shit. Wish me luck for my review tomorrow. Night all.
 
- Thanks Cate. It was actually moved to Friday. Big relief!
- Oh, absolutely LaMa. There was no food shortage during the pandemic, which is a blessed thing. Although the way I've been eating, it's like my subconscious expected it.

Well, guess what guys?... Level 5 has packed up his bag and left town! :party:Level 3 has come in to keep an eye on things, but he's a lot more fun to be around.

I went to the swimming pool this evening - what a joy! What a relief! I actually kicked ass in the pool, I felt great. I feel like I maintained some level of fitness during Level 5's reign of terror, luckily! I actually don't think I even looked that bad in my costume. Will wonders never cease?

I've booked in again for 7am in the morning. I was going to book in for the late swim tomorrow evening, but I'm playing tennis at 6, and I thought it might be easier to just come home after that and relax for the evening. The morning slot is nearly always booked out but I nabbed the last spot. So I'd better go to sleep soon. I feel tired in that lovely way you do after exercising.

Today was a good work day for once! I just really got into the task I was doing and found myself enjoying it! I was happy with the results of my efforts also, and I think my boss was too. So that's good.

It was also great organising my tennis for the week. I'm playing Dad tomorrow, club night Thursday, a doubles game Friday and another doubles game on Sunday. We're allowed four sessions a week, so I'm already at my max for week 1! Not bad, eh? So ecstatic to be back on the court tomorrow.

Lessons that bastard Level 5 taught me:
1. I need to do a hell of a lot of exercise to keep the demons at bay.
2. I should always try to work in a job where I can talk to other people during the day.
3. My parents provide a massive amount of support - just knowing they are there and they love me is huge.
4. I have a lot of inroads to make when it comes to self-discipline.
5. Even in my lowest moments, things always got better. There is always hope.

Night all.
 
What a glorious post! I really hope people will stick to the rules for the rest of winter so we don't have to deal with all this again.
Emilyrose said:
There was no food shortage during the pandemic, which is a blessed thing. Although the way I've been eating, it's like my subconscious expected it.
Click to expand...
Pretty much.Stress is stress, and the body reacts mostly the same to each kind. If we were the kindof people who can't eat when stressed we probably wouldn't be here...
 
Emilyrose said:
I found an old diary of mine at the weekend and I swear to God, the things I was talking about... it was back in 1997, so I was 11. The topics I covered were - tennis (I didn't even remember going to camps at that point, but obviously I did), the people in school I liked or didn't like, books I was reading... It was actually scary. Nothing has changed!!! I actually had to put it down because it was so cringe. I might read a bit more over Christmas and post up something if it's particularly funny.
Click to expand...
That's hilarious! I have done that too, found an old diary. Mine was back when I was in foster care, I thought maybe I'd read about memories I forgot...nope. Basically a journal of whatever guy I was dating at the time! Said very little more than that! Oh, Korrie...what am I going to do with you, lol
 
- I heard today that the vaccine is on the way LaMa, so hopefully soon, it won't matter. The UK are going first, which I personally feel is great news. I'm feeling very anti-British after reading about my poor ancestors the other day. They stole our land for 250 years! The bastards.
- Haha, well, that's pretty normal Korrie.

Today wasn't a great day, unfortunately. Very irritating things in work and even with tennis scheduling which just fucking annoyed me. I'm also annoyed at Work Colleague. He hasn't responded to an important email I sent, which I find incredibly rude, and also, I was crying to him on the phone about my mum last week because I needed him to take on some of my tasks for the afternoon, and I was just so upset. He hasn't asked me once how she is. Are my expectations for people just too high? He was in hospital over the summer and I texted him a number of times to ask how he was. I just fucking... I just don't know. I just feel people let me down all the time. And I don't know how to move past that and be okay with that. How are people just horizontal about things, I don't get it.

I definitely feel that lack of respect from my housemate as well, which is really getting under my skin. She probably thought I was showing a lack of respect for her by making noise at night, whatever. Grand, I've pretty much stopped that now. But then I'm like, why should I actually give a fuck what she wants? She barely talks to me. She acts like I'm 'in her way' when we're both in the kitchen and, for example, I'm at the sink washing something and she needs to fill her water bottle. She won't bloody say anything! She never says excuse me, or anything, just has a face like a smacked arse on her. And that's really irritating me right now. Yesterday, I decided to go into the living room because I had an hour to kill before the pool. I never go into the living room. She had the TV on but down low and she was watching her iPad with her headphones in. The minute I came in and sat down, she got up and went into the other room, leaving me the remote at my chair, but not explaining herself. Not saying, 'Hey, I'm just watching something on my iPad, so I'll leave you to it'. Is that not the normal way to address someone when something like that happens? I actually could fucking scream the house down.

But yeah, I am bothered. In good news, I got up for a swim this morning and played tennis this evening. My tennis game was really good, even after the 6 week break. My dad was seriously impressed. We had some brilliant games, probably the highest standard we've ever played against each other. Italian Guy was there, he just ignored me. Again, don't know what's wrong with people. His friend, also Italian, is lovely, and gave me a big smile and a wave. Italian Guy barely looked my way when he was doing this, even though I've actually talked to him way more. Again, expectations vs. reality. Why are people such assholes to me? Me right now::nopity:Haha. At least I can still laugh. I think. ;)
 
Hang onto your sense of humour, Em. Keep swimming, keep playing tennis, keep seeing your folks....
What's happening with your drama group?
 
- Hey Cate. That's ongoing via Zoom. It's actually going great. We've even got a few new people interested that I know would be fantastic in future projects. Hopefully the theatres will be back open in the spring and we can get something off the ground. We have lots of ideas and lots of enthusiasm, so it's fab.
- Yes indeed, things are easier on me already Petal.
- Thank you LaMa.

I feel better today. I addressed the lack of response to the email I sent head on today - turns out I overreacted. Who would have guessed that could happen? Hahaha. I think sometimes it's easy to blow things up into a huge thing in your mind, and take things as a slight, when actually, it's just that things that are important to you are not necessarily important to other people. I guess I have to learn how to be content and secure in myself, regardless of the lack of interest or feedback from the outside world. And, when you're relaxed about things, it all seems to go better by default.

Club night was back tonight! :party:It was absolutely freezing but I loved it. My level of play was up and down but I had some moments of glory, so I was happy. So glad to be back. It's funny, I really didn't feel like going this evening and I just really got into it. It's kind of scary - you're putting yourself out there, you have these different people to try to talk to, and a lot of that kind of scares me. But, I get a kick out of it, and it nearly always works out great. I sometimes think I only like groups of people when focused on a task. Sitting around a table in a restaurant stresses me out a lot. Well, actually, I find that's getting easier, but it was not something I relished in the past.

Not much else to say, looking forward to the cafes being open again tomorrow! I am probably going to dine out for lunch, should be good!!!
 
Today went okay, I had my review. It wasn't exactly stellar, maybe muted would be the word. She didn't mention a Christmas bonus. I decided not to ask. I think I probably didn't sell myself very well today, but anyway. The work should speak for itself, and in that place, you could literally work 10 hours a day, and they'd still expect more from you. So, I don't know. I'm a bit deflated after it. Luckily, I only have just over two weeks left, which is fine. And things aren't as crazy.

I also gave someone a lecture the other week when they fucked up on something in an extremely direct, borderline mean way. But I was so mad at the stupid error they made. Anyway, it turns out that they have made a way bigger error than that on a similar topic that affects other people's work. So, you know what? I was right. And you know what else? The message is still not going through.

I'm feeling a bit worn out tonight. I'm going to chill out for a while but I've booked in for a late swim because there's a huge storm outside and the pool will be practically empty, which is amazing when you want a nice, relaxing swim. We had to cancel tennis for this evening, but hopefully we'll get to play tomorrow instead.

Only one week until my trip away with SG! I wish I looked better, but I guess I still have a week to go to crash diet! Yay!

I think there's a real expectation that 2021 is going to be this amazing year. I nearly feel apprehensive that I'm building it up too much in my head. Top of my list for 2021 is quitting the smokes. If I don't stop January 1st, I've pretty much signed myself up for another year of smoking. I know you can quit any day, but there is power in the first day of a new year, or a new month, or whatever. That is my main thing for the start of 2021. I have lots of other things, but that's a major one.

I feel really unhealthy at the moment and I don't like it. All the wine and cigarettes have started to catch up on me. I just feel... low. I mean, a few days of rest now over the weekend and I should feel a lot better, but this year has definitely taken it out of me. I just want to get back to a healthier weight and look good again! I hate looking like shit.
 
Had a good day today. Played tennis, got the car cleaned, didn't overeat, no wine. That's kind of as good as it gets for me.

I'm thinking of packing in the job so I can go part-time in something and focus on writing and acting and music and all the things I really love. The thrill is definitely gone. I'm not enjoying it anymore. I don't really feel appreciated. I think all the signs are there that I should get out sooner rather than later. I want 2021 to be a fantastic year, and I think if I worked somewhere else and had more time to pursue the things I actually care about, I would be a lot happier, and the struggles with my weight and addiction issues would diminish. Well, that's what I'm thinking tonight anyway.

I went to the cinema this evening and saw the new documentary on Shane MacGowan of The Pogues fame. It was absolutely fascinating. I didn't realise how many great songs The Pogues have. He is such a talented man but he never escaped his demons, and it's really tragic. A friend of mine loves him and he sang this song in the pub one night when we were out together. It's probably his best one:


I actually heard an interview with the director of the film on the radio earlier today, and the DJ was just so critical and denouncing of Shane, saying he was a really bad person. That didn't come across to me at all. I don't think being an addict makes you a bad person. He did some terrible things and has a really nasty side to him, don't get me wrong. But, I definitely think there is a romanticism and sensitivity in him that was just crushed by the reality of life. And now he has enough money to keep drinking himself to his grave, which is really sad. He's a broken man now, he's in a wheelchair and his face has a deathlike pallor. It's incredibly sad, the whole thing. His sister was interviewed and she seems like a wonderful person. But anyway. I'm glad I went to it. It's made me reflect on my own life and it's got me trying to figure out a better way to navigate through it. I am trying and I won't give up.

Tomorrow the plan is to go buy my Secret Santa present for work (a nice scarf I think), I have tennis at 5, prep my lunch for work on Monday and do a clean up of my room. I'm so happy with the car, I got it cleaned to prep for my road trip next weekend! It will also discourage me from eating in the car, which is why it was in such a state.

That's it for now.
 
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