Weight Loss Diary 2017 - Goal 1-0-5

I had a good cry with my mum yesterday. Like a really really solid cry b/c the hair has been dropping like rain. Small things tend to set me off and I hate it. I used to be so strong. Like I've gotten through an abusive relationship, I've gotten through tough financial situations, I have gotten through unemployment and toxic work places. And this - of all things - is setting me off. But it's different because I don't feel I have any control over my body. I have a plan - a clean diet, metformin, prayer, self-care and I am seeing no results and it is very disheartening. Literally, I just am not understanding what my body is doing. And I feel better after crying that much. In fact, I'm probably going to cry again today. I am struggling to understand my body - my ovaries are just not working - and am trying my best to deal with my emotions inside. I try distracting myself but it's hard - I have been feeling anti-social these past few days. But I have gotten outside for a walk here and there when it is quieter in the evening (because I am not THAT anti-social). My mum suggested a therapist - I haven't had the best experience with therapists in the past. I feel I need someone that has PCOS. I will look into it. But I also don't think someone can tell you to feel better about yourself. It comes from inside. I'm struggling because I really have no control over the situation right now. Maybe I have ovarian dysnfunction - who knows - I am going to follow up with my doctor next week about the clinic. Everything takes longer in Canada because we have a social healthcare system. Not as expensive but the wait times are ridiculous. Anyways, tricking my brain into thinking I will be OK lol ....
 
Also ugh....I do write on here when I am feeling low or when I have an update. I am bubly otherwise and have friends - I swear :) I don't want to use this platform as a sympathy vote. It's sometimes just a way to lay it all out - it is cathartic.
 
Hi, Misty. I use my diary as my therapy, so don't ever feel you only have to put a positive image forward. We are not shallow. I would be crying sometimes too I think if I had PCOS & my hair kept falling out. I think when you get that wig, get one you just love & makes you feel how you want to look. You'll rock a wig! :grouphug:
 
Cate said:
Hi, Misty. I use my diary as my therapy, so don't ever feel you only have to put a positive image forward. We are not shallow. I would be crying sometimes too I think if I had PCOS & my hair kept falling out. I think when you get that wig, get one you just love & makes you feel how you want to look. You'll rock a wig! :grouphug:
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Thank you! <3 Yes, I am planning on making an appointment when I come back in Sept from Turkey. By that time the clinic will hopefully take me on too. Sept/Oct should be better - hopefully iA
 
Updates:
Went to the naturopath today and the news wasn't good...basically we are hypothesizing that my pituitary gland is dysfunctioning or that I have premature ovarian failure. And I'm upset and have cried already - and probably will cry some more. I have an endo appointment in Sept, when I am back from Turkey to propose this theory and conduct tests with the endo, I've eaten so much sugar today it's not even funny. But I allowed it to myself because...well, this is not the news I expected.

On the other hand, I have lived in fear and negativity for almost two years over my hormonal imbalance - which now could be due to something more serious. And I am tired of living in fear and negativity. I am partially relieved - because while I do not have a formal diagnosis, I feel I am getting closer to finding out what is wrong with me. Each of these conditions has implications - ovarian failure - well that means having my own eggs and my own kids - chances will be extremely low,if any. And the pituitary gland manages so many hormones that it makes it more complicated.

Complications aside, and massive hair loss aside, I have come so far. And no one else may recognize it, but this is only making me stronger. I am so tired of living in fear. I know this will be a tough road ahead of me. It will not be easy. But I am so tired and in the end, things will be OK. I will manage. The alternatives are not fun, are not easy. My hair loss may never let up. But I can say I tried. I evaluated all avenues that made sense to me. I will make this work.

I do not understand what God/the universe is pushing me towards...I can only think God wants me to be stronger and fulfill some kind of meaningful purpose, that my life is lacking. He did not want me to take the conventional route. He has something else planned for me. And at this point, I am saying, OK, I will take what comes my way but please give me the strength, the mental and physical strength, to see this through to the end. Let everything be OK in the end. Let's work together to make this OK. Ameen.
 
Hey, Misty :grouphug:
Naturopaths can only hypothesize. They are not specialists in the field of PCOS & should be careful about what they suggest. Just dismiss it for now & wait until you see your endo & get some tests done & find out for sure. Honestly, I would try to pretend that the conversation with the naturopath did not happen.
You have come so far, & I think you have a lot of inner strength & courage & you do have a meaningful purpose. Be proud of yourself, Misty. I really admire your ability to keep bouncing back & moving forward. Have a good cry, hon but look towards the future xoxo
 
Cate said:
Hey, Misty :grouphug:
Naturopaths can only hypothesize. They are not specialists in the field of PCOS & should be careful about what they suggest. Just dismiss it for now & wait until you see your endo & get some tests done & find out for sure. Honestly, I would try to pretend that the conversation with the naturopath did not happen.
You have come so far, & I think you have a lot of inner strength & courage & you do have a meaningful purpose. Be proud of yourself, Misty. I really admire your ability to keep bouncing back & moving forward. Have a good cry, hon but look towards the future xoxo
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Thanks Cate! Yes, I’m going to meet the endocrinologist on the 12th and ask for a full spectrum of tests to be run. I’m tired but I also want to get to the bottom of this. Today I received my ultrasound back from my family doctor and it said the PCOS diagnosis is questionable - I have a fibroid and my ovaries are a bit enlarged but PCOS is questionable. It may be that my ovaries are not functioning properly - I really don’t know anymore. But I am going to ask the endo to run all the tests he can (will take a bit of convincing so I have to prepare my arguments - sometimes they won’t test if they don’t think there is a need) and also ask about the possibility of freezing eggs/ fertility. Let’s see what happens. I’m also opening myself to birth control - if I can freeze my eggs - I can get on birth control after. Let’s see where all this is going. Thank you for your love and support, I appreciate it so much. <3
 
I'm back - Turkey was so amazing - life there is so relaxed compared to Canada, and the food is "fresh" - not like here. Europeans also look so healthy/fit - combination of genetics and environmental upbringing. After coming back home, everyone just looks so overworked and "sick" here. I don't know how else to describe it.

Anyways, my symptoms did not let up but my skin did not break out there as bad. I've been feeling very low on energy but on the upside, I still have the will to get to the bottom of whatever is going on in my body. Lots of appointments this month: 12th, 16th, 18th (endo, naturopath, family doctor).

Work seems to be getting worse...they're cutting budgets for this year and next year on my brand. I feel a bit purposeless. They're also gearing up for a re-structure. I feel sick - mentally and physically - but I also know work is not stable. And I have rent and what not to pay - so I need to start seriously looking now.

I've been thinking a lot about my health - and I cannot tackle everything at the same time. I want to, but I cannot. I cannot worry about infertility and an unborn child. I know I am thinking ahead but I feel like I can barely manage a day right now. Even landing in Turkey and figuring out how to get around + family drama for the first few days was stressful and was taking a toll on my body. It evened out later once we all got the hang of the place - English is not as commonly spoken there as I thought it would be.

I also want to test for EBV (Epstein Barr Virus) as I had vestibular neuritis before my health deteriorated further. That may have contributed - not sure if they test for that here.

Lots of stuff to get back on track on now that I am back. Will tackle one at a time.
 
Hi, Misty. I'm glad you ended up having a wonderful time in Turkey. It's one of the places I would have liked to have gone to, but don't think I will get to. Too many countries, not enough money & everything is SO far away.
I do think you still need to find out more about the state of your ovaries, the size of the fibroid, etc. I had awful periods for years & looked 8.99 months pregnant before I had my fibroid removed (along with my womb) at the age of 42. Maybe when you get some energy back after your vacation you can approach the subject of saving eggs. It is a part of looking after your health as our mental health is as important as our physical health. Sending you a great big hug :grouphug:
 
Cate said:
Hi, Misty. I'm glad you ended up having a wonderful time in Turkey. It's one of the places I would have liked to have gone to, but don't think I will get to. Too many countries, not enough money & everything is SO far away.
I do think you still need to find out more about the state of your ovaries, the size of the fibroid, etc. I had awful periods for years & looked 8.99 months pregnant before I had my fibroid removed (along with my womb) at the age of 42. Maybe when you get some energy back after your vacation you can approach the subject of saving eggs. It is a part of looking after your health as our mental health is as important as our physical health. Sending you a great big hug :grouphug:
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Yes I don’t know what my body is going through anymore. looking forward to testing this month but also very tired with all this and considering short term bioidentical hormone or the pill - which may or may not help. That would be after blood tests though so that it does not impact true blood results.
 
misty22 said:
Yes I don’t know what my body is going through anymore. looking forward to testing this month but also very tired with all this and considering short term bioidentical hormone or the pill - which may or may not help. That would be after blood tests though so that it does not impact true blood results.
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Sorry to hear about your womb removal cate :( xxx
 
Wanted to just document symptoms somewhere & keep track of action items:
  • Anxiety/depression
  • Not able to fall asleep easily or stay asleep
  • Hair loss - head, eyebrows
  • Low energy/ always tired
  • Vaginal dryness
  • Low libido
  • Slight acne
  • Hair in unwanted places
  • Upper area area fat - indicates cortisol to me - back fat, hormonal belly fat, thighs and hips (relative high estrogen to progesterone)
  • Difficulty losing weight / easy weight gain
  • Irregular cycles - have not ovulated since Oct 2018
  • Memory not good
  • Brain fog
What I know:
  • Low estrogen and low progesterone. May favour estrogen dominance.
  • Feel I have a thyroid condition but all tests have come back normal.
  • I am not ovulating / irregular cycles
Things to do in between:
  • Reduce inflammation (diet)
  • Reduce stress/ adrenal (acupuncture/sleep)
  • Address insulin resistance (diet + low impact exercise)
To test:
  1. Premature Ovarian Failure?
  2. Adrenal issue (high cortisol? tumour? )
  3. Pituitary gland issue?
  4. Epstein Barr Virus?
  5. Thyroid? More extensive panel??
  6. Get a second opinion - ask Dr Ross to refer to new endo
 
Hi, Misty. Yes, I had our 2 sons by then & knew I didn't want any more. It was different for me hon & I was happy to be shot of it. I was also 42. I got to keep my ovaries. Getting a second opinion is not a bad idea xoxo
 
adding...

  • Anxiety/depression
  • Not able to fall asleep easily or stay asleep
  • Hair loss - head, eyebrows
  • Very low energy/ always tired
  • Vaginal dryness
  • Low libido
  • Slight acne
  • Hair in unwanted places
  • Upper area area fat - indicates cortisol to me - back fat, hormonal belly fat, thighs and hips (relative high estrogen to progesterone)
  • Difficulty losing weight / easy weight gain
  • Irregular cycles - have not ovulated since Oct 2018
  • Memory not good
  • Brain fog
  • Increased appetite
 
I've been binge eating badly for the past two days. I bought a whole bag of halloween candy and downed it in two days. I'm losing faith in what I am doing and I don't think anyone can tell me what is going on. I'm losing faith in myself, in my body, in God. I feel like shit. I look like I have aged so much. My hair has lost 50% density and I look like a different person. I hate to say it, but I feel like it's disfiguring me, slowly.

Needless to say, the weight has gone up a bit. I haven't weighed myself but I know.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I have to suck it up and keep going this month though because blood tests take a long time, I have to test specifically on Day 3 of my cycle (whenever that decides to show up), and booking an appointment with a new endocrinologist takes months thanks to our social health care system. I feel very negative today. I know I do but I cannot begin to describe how tired I am of all this bullshit. Yet, time is not on my side.

There have been a few people at work that have commented how surprised they are that I am still in my current role. If my health had been on my side, I would have left a long time ago. I know in my heart I would have. Right now I'm sleeping for 12 hours due to the exhaustion, I have not been going to the gym since I got back either.

I've been following a few people on Instagram that completely lost hair due to hormones or going on the pill and coming off- and hair follicles die after a while - meaning no regrowth. I'm tired. I'm negative and it's only 10:34am.

When people complain about the day or how stressful their job is or how their roomate is annoying them or how they haven't had their morning coffee, I can only sit and think inside my head, well at least you have your health. For Gods sake, change your job, get a new roomate, fix yourself a cup of Goddamn coffee in the kitchen. Like the trivial things that people complain about...and here I am literally feeling like I'm dying inside, like I am withering away. At the same time, if I can be so harsh about them, maybe I need to be tougher about myself. But two years of a constant battle with no end in sight is also wearing me down. I thought my body could do this without synthetic hormones. I really did. But who knows, I think it is more than PCOS.

Ugh, I am going to try to make the rest of this day go better. I will get my veggies in and go to the gym. I will make today fucking work.
 
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