Newly Separated

not good

Wow, this is not good, you live in Canada right? does your universal health cover counseling? If I were you I would seek the help of a professional counselor.

I been at the end of my rope as well, when I thought I had no one or nothing, it's a horrible experience....But I made it through...

Take my Army slogan... "Suck it up and move on!"

tomorrow is another day, just make it until tomorrow. Sometimes I have a tough time sleeping, to much is on your mind, you need to clear your mind and stop thinking. Listen to A cd of soft Jazz or some other music you like.

Think of something, different...Often when I can't asleep, I start to think that I was a Great freshmen College Qb, and I come ina throw touchdown after touchdown....next thing I know it's morning...It's not a dream, it's thoughts I put in my head to get the other stress off of it.

Did you ever want to be Cinderella? a princess? Pretend your a young poor girl, and you become the princes...I bet you fall asleep.

Get teh stress out of your head.....and Stop talking to your Husband....Money may be tight, but he sure is not helping matters by leaving you and going out with his buddy....When times are tight you tighten the belt, not binge with a buddy.

I wish you luck....Get the death thoughts out of your head.....because you are not hurting yourself, but the people that love you.....Family and friends.
 
melsbells said:
I haven't been able to sleep or eat since I started the new job. I keep getting sick each day. I don't think I am ready for this yet. I tried to explain it to my (husband) and he says that we have no choice I have to work because we are out of money. Also that it will be good for me. I get the shakes at night for hours and If I do manage to fall asleep, I see my death over and over again, so instead I sit up as straight as I can and try to stay awake until morning. I think I am losing it. I can't even explain how scary it is to be alone. To come home to no-one. I asked him to come home again, just for a little while until I could get used to some of the changes I have had to make. I know, pathetic. I just didn't know what to do, I wanted so desperately to be able to eat or sleep or stop getting sick. I have used up my last reserves trying to not let it show at the new job. I don't think I could handle getting fired on top of everything else. Even though I just don't feel ready to work.
What do I do? How can I sleep? eat? I just sit here and cry. It is like I have regressed. Any progress I had made or strenght I was feeling....poof, gone. The dreams about me dying were because I was killing myself. I am not this kind of person, but loneliness is a very horrible thing, almost tangible.
If anyone out there can gimmie a boost, please help. Advice, anything right now, to stop this from degrading anymore.
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...If you've seen that and how you can do it better, you're ready! And Mels, if you try on te death fanatasy of if you don't do it and die in thaat situation with that much effort with those results and rewards, that might be enough to motivate you to get it done on it's own! and duh you deserve better life before you die..

...i understand. I'm dying myself. I met this guy a while ago,..and same sort of thing,.. realised that a persons capacity to sustain themselves, and take some pressure the begodammed off a partner to do, was reeeally important and that it wouldn't work unless we each stepped up..
now we're both alone and doing what we can to each do our bit for the longterm ..
even if wee don't end up together because one of us couldn't or didn't ..then whichever one diiid come through will thereafter be in a position to have a realtionship work with someone else who also did and isn't working their as* off Overtime and never there to cover for the one who wouldn't.
it sucks! I have to go to Europe for a yr and leave my family nd friends and my daughter to get it done.. but if I don't I'm no good influence or company for any of them because I should be thinking about real life and survival and getting organised for mine and my partners futures.. ( just quietly so I can train my dottage out and eat and be sheltered and not be lonely ;) ), ..should i not fail and die on my as*..

Good advice up there. Eat it up. When there's no-one to hear you cry or pass you a tissue, you're either eventually going to stop , get your own tissue or get yourself the heck together and get out o there!

You choose but know that everyone else looking forward to a good life is doing the same. Welcome to growing up.

Blooming Lotus
 
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Hey Mells...doesn't sound like it's going too well :( cheer up. You need company, is there no one you can invite to lunch/ dinner at your place or out?

You need to force yourself to meet people, come out and talk to a neighbor, join a church group, call an old friend...go see a movie, read a book, rent a funny movie...

Maybe you can confide in someone who you work with. Without going into the gorry details (it may not be a good idea to air out your dirty laundry at work), simply say you are going though some rough times, you don't have family or a close friend nearby...would it be possible for them to help you pass the time by going to a park with you, jogging, or simply to listen...

Good luck :)
 
Try

I have tried to reconnect with lost friends but no-one is anywhere near me. I had thought about trying a friendship with someone at the new job, but I just think it would be very over-whelming to be my friend right now.
I took my mom out for her birthday on sunday to the zoo, then in the evening my husband met us and we all went out for dinner/movie. Then we took my mom home and he ended up staying here until around noon today. I screwed up. I was so desperate for comfort and him. I know it doesn't mean anything. We had a great time, but I know it won't bring him back to me. I guess I should just be happy with any time I get with him. It is better than the loneliness and emptiness that I can't seem to shake. I have to work for the next four days and try to focus. I feel like I don't know how to do this. How do you pull away from someone you want so badly, how do you say no when you want your life and marriage back.
But it's a fake, isn't it. Like fools gold. It looks like I am still in denial and I feel very dissapointed in myself.
I have lost more weight, but not gained anymore confidence. I thought that the more i worked out and lost weight the better it would make me feel about myself. Same as the job. Instead, I feel worse. What is wrong with me?
Why can't I feel good? Why am I still broken? Why am I still trying to make sense out of something senseless?
 
Oh Mels

Sorry Honey I hate to see you this way....

No one likes to be lonely, we all hate it, we are social beings.

I don't know your husband very well so I don't know his intentions or if he is having a hard time pulling away.

Did you both try marriage counseling at all? I would recommend while you are seperated, that you both see a marriage counselor, maybe they can help you both connect once again.

There is something there, but you both have some doubt, you need to find out what is going on.....Talk to him and see a counselor together, tell him ha can no longer see you until you both go to a counselour
 
how

I think you are on the right track with the counselling, I just don't know how to sell it to him. I almost quit my job 3 times today. I couldn't stop thinking about him and the situation. I don't care about money at all with my marriage having fallen apart, The only true reason I needed a job was so we could file for bankruptcy. Which I don't even want to do, but two of our loans would fall on me because they are joint and I don't think that would be fair, while he gets out of his major debts. Is it wrong that I want to curl up in a ball and grieve. After my father passed away it was six months before I went back to work. Why can't I have even half that to get over the death of my marriage. I am so confused. I have always been a leader, a decisive person who took action, but I am TIRED!!! I don't care anymore. I just want my life back, and taking breaks to go cry while I am at work doesn't seem to be helping. I called him from work and he told me to just deal with it and that I had to find a way to cope, because we need me to have a job. I am thinking very hard about moving away. Maybe to my family in oakville or to my hometown. Cost of living is greatly diminished back home and the family would be free until I could stand on my own two feet.
Please, More advice! I am sorry, but incapable of making any decisions without some kind of guidance.
 
I know what you're going thru, know that lonely feeling pretty well. My husband left me long before I knew it. He worked out of town for 2 years. Saw him on weekends, then every other weekend, then once a month. When he came home things seemed great, until about a month later when his Mom told me about all of the other women. Ugh. Seems so Jerry Springer, but I guess it can happen to anyone. This was a while ago, so I've been through the worst, but I'll never forget. Your situation can still turn around, if that's what's best. How old are the two of you and how long have you been together/married? We made it 8 years. I'm 32 now. We're still friends, and I never hated him, just realized we grew in completely different directions over the years. You have to keep positive though, as hard as it is. I have the gift of hindsight, and I can say that it is true, everything does happen as it should. Everything that seems bad usually leads to something great (or at least better). Who knows how it will turn out. Keep up with the working out--but EAT (I was the same way as you). You'll just hurt yourself eventually if you don't. If you want to write me that'd be cool.
 
Excellent Ideas

I am proud to announce (I guess) That today is the first day that I didn't cry at work. I almost had an OK time :eek:
Thank you for the link, it was good info. I am going to take down the wedding photos and other paraphenalia, I think the visual reminder is just too overwhelming.
I have decided to pursue counselling, with or without him. Whether intentional or not, this process of 'frienship' with him is more damaging in the long run.
I hope I don't wake up and feel differently tomorrow, but I know that relationships ending are a lot like bandaids and if your gonna do it, do it as fast as possible. I am not ready to cut all contact, but I know that If I can get a little stronger every week/day, this will eventually improve for me.
So to all of you, THANKS! I have one more day of work and then I think I am going to head to my sister's for a bit of a break on sunday. I will have to see him on monday for financial matters and to go back home to see my doctor.
So please, if your the praying kind, pray. If your the cursing kind, curse. But for heavens sakes don't curse while your praying for me ;) I just know I could use the extra help when I see him. Oh, one last thing, this is the first week that I haven't begged him to come back. Possibly significant, possibly not, but definately good for the self esteem.
I'll be back on tomorrow. Finger's crossed that I keep getting better.
 
Hey well done mels! Things are looking up, sure. Give yourself a big pat on the back, will ya!

Look, I donot know what the real situation is with your relationship, so, I may be completely off the mark here. Whatever it is worth, here you go.

Have you considered a possiblity that your are going through denial phase at the moment - which is ok. There is nothing wrong with that.
It is part of the whole process. Is it possible that deep down, you yourself know that your marriage is over, lost your love and suddenly you are alone, but, because of some fear of living your forthcoming life without him, you are not ready to accept it?

I ordered this book more than a year ago. I read first few pages and I got what I needed from this book. I recommend it.



One more thing, do me a favour. When you have few spare minutes, try to think of the times in your life so far, of the hurdles you passed that looked impossible when you started or the things that looked impossible but you surprised yourself and others by doing it. Maybe something others were telling you how bad an idea that was but you did it anyway because your heart told you so and you actually did it.
Do you see what I am doing? We grossly underestimate our abilities and capabilites. Humans have immense power, really. I guarantee you, few years from now, you would look back at this time, and wonder what took you so long to stand-up again? Why you did not believe in yourself earlier?

It is something we say in Buddhism I have seen it so many times in so many lives that "no matter how long the winter seem, but, winter always turn into spring." Trust me, on this one. Your night may seem dark and cold, but the sun will rise again for sure.

Find a good yoga teacher and join for few days. Not the aasanas (postures) but the pranayam (breathing/ meditation). It will help you.

our prayers and wishes with you. So keep going, you are doing great and donot forget chin up and cheer up.:)
 
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congrats

Good going Mel...keep it up...you sound a lot better in that post then other ones...Just give it time and take it day by day, you are making positive steps.

Just keep going and lean on your sister!
 
melsbells said:
I am proud to announce (I guess) That today is the first day that I didn't cry at work. I almost had an OK time :eek:
Thank you for the link, it was good info. I am going to take down the wedding photos and other paraphenalia, I think the visual reminder is just too overwhelming.
I have decided to pursue counselling, with or without him. Whether intentional or not, this process of 'frienship' with him is more damaging in the long run.
I hope I don't wake up and feel differently tomorrow, but I know that relationships ending are a lot like bandaids and if your gonna do it, do it as fast as possible. I am not ready to cut all contact, but I know that If I can get a little stronger every week/day, this will eventually improve for me.
So to all of you, THANKS! I have one more day of work and then I think I am going to head to my sister's for a bit of a break on sunday. I will have to see him on monday for financial matters and to go back home to see my doctor.
So please, if your the praying kind, pray. If your the cursing kind, curse. But for heavens sakes don't curse while your praying for me ;) I just know I could use the extra help when I see him. Oh, one last thing, this is the first week that I haven't begged him to come back. Possibly significant, possibly not, but definately good for the self esteem.
I'll be back on tomorrow. Finger's crossed that I keep getting better.
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I quite likethe band aide analogy and you're right. the reason why you're still in my pain and feeling bad is probably because you feel disappointed. ..in your own judgement. It's pretty hard to put so much into something to find out that you were subconciously sabatoging it the entire time.
It iis sad and it's one of those things. That's how we grow as adults and improve our situations. Sometimes we just have to let the old whateveris die off and suffer the grief process of doing that.
The four stages of grief are denial anger sadness and acceptance.
Just like when you workout and dig deep to break platueas, you have to let something soft or less benificial die to fiind that effot you need to get through it, and along with it old values and beliefs etc.
This will probably not stop happening in at least sOme measure until you are at your goal. ..but the thing iis Mels, now that you 've identified these things that you can change to be happier longer and hOw to do that, the Only way you feel better is to keep moving toward the new goal.
It is definately reeeally tough to do this.. but comon sense tells us that we gotta.. so we do and we get through.
Keep working out, it helps clear our heads and keeps us in a good perspective.
It's really nice to hear you changing your life that. Just remenmber that feeling like we want to feel once we've actually acheived our goal is why we're doing it.. and that will only happen in dribs and drabs until then.
Take comfort knowing you're moving toward a better quality of life and happiness.
It's a good thing and you should feel happy and confident you're employing good sense...and bEtter sense that will directly benifit you.

cheers

Blooming Lotus
 
Closure

Ok, he finally told me it was over between us. Not any "i don't knows", or"i haven't let you go yet", but it's over. I am no longer in limbo, wondering where I stand.
I have decided to relocate to my families in Oakville when the notice is up on the condo. So probably middle of Oct. He doesn' know that yet, but I will tell him eventually. I actually slept last night. As much as this hurts at least I finally heard the words that were necessary for me to hurt and then move on.
If any of you think this is a good thing, please post or message me.
I don't think I am in denial, I think this is exactly what I needed to hear to start getting my life back. I know that by staying in the condo I was keeping the proverbial 'porchlight on' for him. My family will never run out on me and I think it would help them as well to have me safe and sound with them.
I will have to leave my new job, but I will wait until the last 2 weeks so I can hopefully save up as much as possible. I will also start looking for a job there over the next month.
My best friend just found out she is relocationg to Oakville as well, so I will take that as a sign of confirmation from the universe. I have always found that when you are doing what is right and best for you that the univers seems to meet you halfway:eek:
On a slightly different note, I am going to see my doctor today, and I am considering celexa for depression. I know as positive as I feel now, I will feel equally low as contact dwindles with my husband. Anyone have any opinions, I am open to them.
You all have been an great solace for me. All advice and kindness helped in so many little ways, please keep it up if you can. It makes the day shorter and my resolve longer.

Mels, a little bit more like the girl I once was.
 
mels

sounds like a good pan and a fresh start. Leaning on family is good and a good friend is excellent.

your a beautiful girl, you will do fine! I wish you all the best!
 
Mels,

Drugs don't fiix anything..
acceptance does of the detriment of staying in our old situation does and taking action does and taking care of ourselves does and thaat is what makes us feel better.;).
You're lucky you have your family..lots of ppl just don't..

Glad to hear youre going to look for work out there..it'll stop you getting into the same situation later and 'll mean every day you're getting closer to your goals and feeling like you were hoping you would first time...except better..

cheers

BL

P.s. so now welcome to the 'woman' you 're now becoming and the future you're creating yourself. Good luck and take care.
 
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Another day another Drama

where to start.....the day after my husband said it was over he decided to tell me that he didn't feel that way a 100% but that he wanted to be fair with me, but that it still feels great whenever we are around eachother, and that he wishes things were different. He also said that he had a bad feeling that in a year's time he was gonna look back and wonder what the F*** he had been thinking. Then he kissed me told me he loved me and just hugged me for awhile. I didn't know what to do or say. I have decided that his origional "it's over" is what I have to go by.
We are splitting up the finances this week, that should be a pleasure. Is it normal to be afraid of moving from this spot, like I am a coward if I can't make it on my own. Excuse...pride. I don't know. As soon as I made the decision to go home I partially regretted it. Where I live is amazing, but am I ready to put even more distance between the man I love and myself, regardless of the situation. I also don't know how I will adjust to so many people around, and the room I would be in was my husbands and my room after we got engaged until we were married and got our own home. Memories.
So the question is-

Should I stay or should I go?
 
melsbells said:
I have decided that his origional "it's over" is what I have to go by.
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Hey Mels how are you?

I would say that is the way to go. Given that he seems unsure now, what if you decide to stay together and few months down the line, he decides to go different ways?

Relationships are complex and life is unfair. Who knows you could end up together in future again. But, you have to learn to respect your LIFE. Have some confidence in yourself. Come on, you can look after yourself. Be happy and move on. God has plans for everyone, you are no different. But He is not good at sharing his plans.:)

Should I stay or should I go?
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Discard all your fears and choose the road that makes you independent and self-confident.

Are you smiling enough?
And keep writing.
 
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Heyya Mels ..

ultimately the decision on whether or not to stay or go is one you need to make for yourself..because only yoU truly know what it is exactly that 'll make you happy.

I've seen quite a vast few ppl recently go through much the same stuff and as far as what you said about his initial notice that he was terminating the relationship and the way it rocked you then,..I'd hate to see you settle down and have the rug pulled out from you once again and potentially tearing you open yet again!!..
Of course you both still have love for each other!..you were married and planning lives together for crimminey!..
At the end of the day though, as you both grew into that relationship, from what you've been saying here, you both ended up identifying the need for certain other things to happen to both make it work for you as a couple in the long term and thus seeing you both happy in the type of relationship you were shooting for..
It's soooogodammed hard to leave sometimes... for bOth of partners...even we when know it's best.

good luck with your decision.

Blooming Lotus
 
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Go

I am going to give my notice to the landlord on Tuesday. This has gone on long enough. If I am not strong enough yet to say 'no', then I will go somewhere farther away, to get that way. I know that he still loves me, as I do him, but this whole 'let's be friends' is inane at best. Maybe years from now when the dust has settled, but for now, everytime I see him it is like a fresh wound and everytime he leaves it's like I am almost back at square one again.
I don't think my body can take much more. Losing37 pounds in 9 weeks, no sleep, constant anxiety. It's like I am on a low simmer constantly. I have to cut my losses and get out. He has! I realized that if he was going to come back, it would have happened by now. I am not what he wants. That hurts like hell, but he changed, not me. His loss. I do not want anyone else, but I can't let him do this, whether intentional or not. I don't know him anymore, I certainly don't trust him in any way. I don't think this damage could be fixed without alot of time and hard work. So If he couldn't 'handle' the responsibility of a marriage and partner before, how the hell would he even begin to deal with this!
I have carried false hope around in my heart since this started. Like any probably would have. I just don't want to hurt like this anymore. If I didn't do anything to deserve this, then I should be given the choice to be friends or not. Hell I am taking the choice back. I have been way to passive since this started and it hasn't helped either of us.

I still need all of your support, dearly. The next 2 months are probably going to be the hardest yet. Going through all of our stuff, dividing it up...I am not even going to think about it tonight. Thanks for the replies. Send more if you have them, they help more than I can explain.

Thanks for reading
 
melsbells said:
I am going to give my notice to the landlord on Tuesday. This has gone on long enough. If I am not strong enough yet to say 'no', then I will go somewhere farther away, to get that way. I know that he still loves me, as I do him, but this whole 'let's be friends' is inane at best. Maybe years from now when the dust has settled, but for now, everytime I see him it is like a fresh wound and everytime he leaves it's like I am almost back at square one again.
I don't think my body can take much more. Losing37 pounds in 9 weeks, no sleep, constant anxiety. It's like I am on a low simmer constantly. I have to cut my losses and get out. He has! I realized that if he was going to come back, it would have happened by now. I am not what he wants. That hurts like hell, but he changed, not me. His loss. I do not want anyone else, but I can't let him do this, whether intentional or not. I don't know him anymore, I certainly don't trust him in any way. I don't think this damage could be fixed without alot of time and hard work. So If he couldn't 'handle' the responsibility of a marriage and partner before, how the hell would he even begin to deal with this!
I have carried false hope around in my heart since this started. Like any probably would have. I just don't want to hurt like this anymore. If I didn't do anything to deserve this, then I should be given the choice to be friends or not. Hell I am taking the choice back. I have been way to passive since this started and it hasn't helped either of us.

I still need all of your support, dearly. The next 2 months are probably going to be the hardest yet. Going through all of our stuff, dividing it up...I am not even going to think about it tonight. Thanks for the replies. Send more if you have them, they help more than I can explain.

Thanks for reading
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Excellent! Spot on! Slowly, but surely, you are getting there. Just keep going!
Remember, next few months could be bit dodgy. The trick is to not allow yourself be swayed by negative thoughts. Be strong so that you can face the wind. And I am sure you will win.

Just few more points:
(a) No matter what, keep your life state high. A positive and happy mind almost certainly makes better decisions than a sad / unhappy one.

(b) Please look after yourself. You must realise that money, fame, relationships can leave you. But, it is only your this most loyal friend that is going to go with you forever. And do you know who is that loyal friend? Your body.
Look after yourself. Eat well, sleep well, eat healthly and try to work out as much as you can. I have heard people say "I wish I had looked after my health better", but people hardly say "I wish I had NOT looked after my health that much"
You got the point, right?

melsbells said:
I am not what he wants. That hurts like hell, but he changed, not me. His loss.
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The fact that he wants to move on surely should not shatter you. We try to conclude too much from statements / events. "He wants to move on." means just that - he wants to move on. Nothing more nothing less. Thats it.
You are wonderful and amazing person - just donot forget it. You are going to do amazing things in life.

We are here with you. Keep us posted. You are not alone.
 
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