Newly Separated
- Thread starter melsbells
- Start date
Wow
No fighting please. Some advice has to be harsh to be heard and some needs to be gently put forth. I appreciate all of it. I know he is using me and I am pathetic enough to take the scraps right now. But for the rest of the relationship, it was equal if not myself in a position of dominance. I am a couple years older and had very valuable life experience that he still needed to gain. I made sure that even if the responsibilities in our lives were enormous, that he still saw and understood what was happening and was welcome to step up to the plate. He preferred to let me take on the bills, mortgage, etc. At the same time, doing the laundry, cleaning the house and making sure that dinner/breakfast/ packed lunch, were always there for him. I thought this was the role of a good wife. I supported his career, sometimes financially, always emotionally. We were best friends and always had each others backs. When I got sick, and fell into depression he was there for me, but now that I look back on it, I understand that he was just reacting and really did not have the life skills to fill my shoes and to take care of me. Some of you are right. He is a coward. He could have trusted on our friendship and talked to me when he started to feel the way he did, but instead he chose to close that off and lied to me when I would ask if we were ok.
This is the kicker though, how do I say go. How I do I look into the eyes of what I thought ws the kindest , most loving and dedicated man, and justify those emotions with what he has become in such a short space of time. I want my life, my sanity, myself back, but I see all of my future that had been laid out...disappearing!
No fighting please. Some advice has to be harsh to be heard and some needs to be gently put forth. I appreciate all of it. I know he is using me and I am pathetic enough to take the scraps right now. But for the rest of the relationship, it was equal if not myself in a position of dominance. I am a couple years older and had very valuable life experience that he still needed to gain. I made sure that even if the responsibilities in our lives were enormous, that he still saw and understood what was happening and was welcome to step up to the plate. He preferred to let me take on the bills, mortgage, etc. At the same time, doing the laundry, cleaning the house and making sure that dinner/breakfast/ packed lunch, were always there for him. I thought this was the role of a good wife. I supported his career, sometimes financially, always emotionally. We were best friends and always had each others backs. When I got sick, and fell into depression he was there for me, but now that I look back on it, I understand that he was just reacting and really did not have the life skills to fill my shoes and to take care of me. Some of you are right. He is a coward. He could have trusted on our friendship and talked to me when he started to feel the way he did, but instead he chose to close that off and lied to me when I would ask if we were ok.
This is the kicker though, how do I say go. How I do I look into the eyes of what I thought ws the kindest , most loving and dedicated man, and justify those emotions with what he has become in such a short space of time. I want my life, my sanity, myself back, but I see all of my future that had been laid out...disappearing!
Nobody said:
Good enough for me.
Mels, sure its going to be very difficult at first, but u have to try to look into the future...do u want to sit around and waste any part of ur life waiting for him to come around or feeling sorry for yourself? or do u want to move on and feel good about life again...i think u should definately take time out for urself. definately take a few weeks to mope and get drunk..whatever u need to heal. but then realize hey! its my life and if i dont get it together no one will do it for me, and just dont mope for too long otherwise u will get into a rut!
My spouse left me 9 months ago and I know how you feel right now. I went through a whole range of emotions -- disbelief, anger, despair, loneliness, hopelessness ... For a while, I was in a limbo state merely existing but not really feeling alive. It took me a while but now I have already accepted the reality of it all. I want you to understand that the feelings of sadness and loss you are having now are normal. When we lose someone we love (whether through separation, divorce or death), we go through a grieving phase. The bad news is it's a process with no shortcuts. You just have to go through it. You feel sad, need to vent, cry ... The good news is over time, the pain becomes less and less until you become ready to get over the past and be a whole person again. The grieving phase can be short or long but you have to have the desire to be healed.
I knew I couldn't deal with it by myself so I sought help from friends, read books and joined a support group at church. If you have time, volunteering is also a good way to take your focus off yourself. I realized sad songs just made me more depressed so I stopped listening to them. Instead, I rented funny movies for a good laugh. And most importantly, I prayed. A lot.
When one door closes, another door opens. Maybe something better (or someone) is in store for you. And think about it. Now you have more time for yourself. You are FREE to try new things, go where you want and explore new possibilities.
I knew I couldn't deal with it by myself so I sought help from friends, read books and joined a support group at church. If you have time, volunteering is also a good way to take your focus off yourself. I realized sad songs just made me more depressed so I stopped listening to them. Instead, I rented funny movies for a good laugh. And most importantly, I prayed. A lot.
When one door closes, another door opens. Maybe something better (or someone) is in store for you. And think about it. Now you have more time for yourself. You are FREE to try new things, go where you want and explore new possibilities.
melsbells said:
click 15 and apply right back to men.
I am no expert
Do you ahve any children? and what is your age and husbands age? plus how long together?
The reason I say is, I have a neighbor, and she had two kids and her husband left. He needed to "find himself" he wasn't ready for the responsibility of a parent.
Alot of people that were married at a young age, have not sown their "wild oats" or they think they can change their spouse.
Not going to happen, Frankly if he can not handle the resposibility of marriage, and you don't already ahve children, be happy and start moving on.
You are a beautiful woman and you can meet plenty of great guys.
I been married 10 years to my wife, and we dated 7 years before that while in college. we are very happy together and we got lucky we found each other.
But we talk things out, set limits, we discuss things, we have boundries and we let know our true feelings be known. yea there are things my wife does that pisses me off royally, but it's part of the deal, I know thee are things that I ant that irritates her, but she puts up with it as well.
looks like he is confused and doesn't know what he really wants, I say go out and date a bit, see other men, get on with life.
I dunno, but if you ahve no kids, I say get a divorce and move on, if you ahve kids, maybe the responsibility part is getting to him, some men can't deal with it. Neither can some women.
Do you ahve any children? and what is your age and husbands age? plus how long together?
The reason I say is, I have a neighbor, and she had two kids and her husband left. He needed to "find himself" he wasn't ready for the responsibility of a parent.
Alot of people that were married at a young age, have not sown their "wild oats" or they think they can change their spouse.
Not going to happen, Frankly if he can not handle the resposibility of marriage, and you don't already ahve children, be happy and start moving on.
You are a beautiful woman and you can meet plenty of great guys.
I been married 10 years to my wife, and we dated 7 years before that while in college. we are very happy together and we got lucky we found each other.
But we talk things out, set limits, we discuss things, we have boundries and we let know our true feelings be known. yea there are things my wife does that pisses me off royally, but it's part of the deal, I know thee are things that I ant that irritates her, but she puts up with it as well.
looks like he is confused and doesn't know what he really wants, I say go out and date a bit, see other men, get on with life.
I dunno, but if you ahve no kids, I say get a divorce and move on, if you ahve kids, maybe the responsibility part is getting to him, some men can't deal with it. Neither can some women.
life in hell
He spent the night last night. He said he missed me. I made us dinner, breakfast and cookies to take with him.....Why am I so PATHETIC!!! I love taking care of him and making him happy. How do I switch that so I am first and I am happy?
About our ages and such; he is 23 I am 29. We have been together for four and a half years. He pursued me, I had never planned to marry. I am thankfully a very young looking 29 and he is usually mistaken as older than myself. He is very career driven, which he has acheived. Barring this situation, he was a positive and generous man. We thankfully have no children. We are both children of divorce. I wouldn't wish that on my own flesh and blood.
I wish I could go out, grab a drink and just let go, but I have no family or friends in the area. We have to share our car and that makes getting away even more challenging.
I am trying desperately to find work. That was the reason we origionally moved here. It is just so competitive. This also doesn't help the self-esteem or confidence, when you can't even get a distraction ffrom thinking about it all 24/7.
Sorry for the whine fest. I just feel like a nobody today. Time to train for another 2-3 hours. The only good thing I seem to do.
He spent the night last night. He said he missed me. I made us dinner, breakfast and cookies to take with him.....Why am I so PATHETIC!!! I love taking care of him and making him happy. How do I switch that so I am first and I am happy?
About our ages and such; he is 23 I am 29. We have been together for four and a half years. He pursued me, I had never planned to marry. I am thankfully a very young looking 29 and he is usually mistaken as older than myself. He is very career driven, which he has acheived. Barring this situation, he was a positive and generous man. We thankfully have no children. We are both children of divorce. I wouldn't wish that on my own flesh and blood.
I wish I could go out, grab a drink and just let go, but I have no family or friends in the area. We have to share our car and that makes getting away even more challenging.
I am trying desperately to find work. That was the reason we origionally moved here. It is just so competitive. This also doesn't help the self-esteem or confidence, when you can't even get a distraction ffrom thinking about it all 24/7.
Sorry for the whine fest. I just feel like a nobody today. Time to train for another 2-3 hours. The only good thing I seem to do.
ok first of all dont get down on urself! u seem like a great chic and ur guy is just taking u for granted right now. i think it was a mistake on ur part to let him spend the night, because again u are showing him that its ok to treat u this way! the only way that u will ever feel better is if u step on ur own throat once and say to urself, i know it hurts but im not gonna let him come over today, if he misses me good! let him miss me for a few day...his feelings of loss will only get stronger, because for all u know he could just be saying he missed u so that u will take care of him. im not trying to be mean about ur situation, because i am not in ur shoes, so of course i dont know...but only responding to what u say.
another point i would like to make is the fact that u are both children of divorce...this is a very dificult situation...its more of a hidden matter, but i beleive that children of divorce are actually in the back of their minds afraid to get seriously involved in relationships, they are scared that the same thing may happen to them...ive noticed it in my husband...his parents are divorced and he was very reluctant to get married, a few times he tried to break it off with me...even once we were married he tried to leave me, but i had said it straight up to him, i said that until we try everything to work it out, im not giving u a divorce...and u know what it worked...we worked through the kinks...but i didnt let him treat me like crap and use me...i made what i wanted very clear...i think he was just afraid of giving into the relationship, so maybe ur man just needs some talking to, really pursue him as to what is going on with him.
another point i would like to make is the fact that u are both children of divorce...this is a very dificult situation...its more of a hidden matter, but i beleive that children of divorce are actually in the back of their minds afraid to get seriously involved in relationships, they are scared that the same thing may happen to them...ive noticed it in my husband...his parents are divorced and he was very reluctant to get married, a few times he tried to break it off with me...even once we were married he tried to leave me, but i had said it straight up to him, i said that until we try everything to work it out, im not giving u a divorce...and u know what it worked...we worked through the kinks...but i didnt let him treat me like crap and use me...i made what i wanted very clear...i think he was just afraid of giving into the relationship, so maybe ur man just needs some talking to, really pursue him as to what is going on with him.
melsbells,
Do you think that you could talk him into seeing a marriage counselor with you? This a way to find out the real issues in the marriage and whether or not they can be solved and if he is willing to solve them. Even if he refuses to go, you can still go by yourself. The conselor can give you advice on how to effectively deal with your husband.
Do you think that you could talk him into seeing a marriage counselor with you? This a way to find out the real issues in the marriage and whether or not they can be solved and if he is willing to solve them. Even if he refuses to go, you can still go by yourself. The conselor can give you advice on how to effectively deal with your husband.
melsbell,
As already stated, don't let this guy get to close again, or your pain will be triple fold. I went through this twice in my life, and both times I was cheated on... it hurts like hell, and everytime he is around the feelings let ago once again... If it's over it's over!!!!!
You have friends on here, just keep talking!!!
As already stated, don't let this guy get to close again, or your pain will be triple fold. I went through this twice in my life, and both times I was cheated on... it hurts like hell, and everytime he is around the feelings let ago once again... If it's over it's over!!!!!
You have friends on here, just keep talking!!!
Simbl78 said:
I think that is a very sensible suggestion and I second that! esp. when you still have strong feelings for him and he also doesnt seem to hate you.
I believe you should try your best to mend something before you give up on it. Atleast, you wont repend later if you give it up coz you would know you had tried your best to repair it.
Also, if he talks, you may get some useful information/ answers.
a little bit of hope
I got called for a job interview tomorrow in my field.....Fingers crossed. I can use all the good thoughts anyone can send my way. I will be back on tomorrow to update. On the downside, he said he was going to call me tonight...and he didn't. This probably won't surprise alot of you, I just wish people would do what they say and say what they mean. I didn't ask him to call, he just said he would. So if you can't pick up a phone....Don't say you will. Am I right, or totally coo-coo?
Well I only managed an hour and a half work-out today, the pool was closed for cleaning:-( I hope sleep comes fast, I don't want to weaken and think about calling him. It just keeps re-starting this crappy cycle of me being a predictable doormat.
I hope you all have a great night! I'll settle for sleep.
I got called for a job interview tomorrow in my field.....Fingers crossed. I can use all the good thoughts anyone can send my way. I will be back on tomorrow to update. On the downside, he said he was going to call me tonight...and he didn't. This probably won't surprise alot of you, I just wish people would do what they say and say what they mean. I didn't ask him to call, he just said he would. So if you can't pick up a phone....Don't say you will. Am I right, or totally coo-coo?
Well I only managed an hour and a half work-out today, the pool was closed for cleaning:-( I hope sleep comes fast, I don't want to weaken and think about calling him. It just keeps re-starting this crappy cycle of me being a predictable doormat.
I hope you all have a great night! I'll settle for sleep.
Melsbells, do not, I repeat do not let him stay over again. Don't invite him over so you can take care of him. It is re-enforcing that you will be his security blanket. Thats not how it should be. It should be a two way street. Girl of sourse he misses you, you are an awesome woman, and you take care of him. He needs to grow up and take care of himself for a while. I know I sound harsh but its the truth. If you keep letting him run back and wlak all over you, you are never going to believe in yourself. Girl if you step back and take a look at the big picture you will see much clearer, don't mistake I love you and want to have a life with you together as partners, for I miss you taking care of me and a warm bed to sleep in. You are not here on this earth for him, not to serve him, or make him happy then have him totally devastate you over and over again. You need to grieve and let go. Its hard, hell yes probably the hardest thing you'll do but it can be done. You can make it on your own. Your partner should lift you up, make you want to be a better person, fill you with feeling, be there to work through things and comprimise. Hold no expectations from him. You need to decide that you are worth putting first then you will start to do that with out guilt. Take care, I hope you find sleep and peace with yourself soon.
I agree. What you need to tell him is to stay AWAY from you. Take time to figure out what he really wants. If having you in his life is something he wants then come back 100% but if he isn't sure or he doesn't want you in his life then stay away 100%.
Like Jenn said, of course he misses you, you're not around. Him missing you (though) doesn't mean he wants to work things out. Not to sounds like a dork but it's like that Meatloaf song "I want you, I need you, but there aint no way I'm ever gonna love you....two out of three aint bad." Forget that!
There is so much out there to be thankful for mellsbells. You're still young, healthy, you can see, you can hear, you can walk. Apreciate life and push yourself to move on.
Like Jenn said, of course he misses you, you're not around. Him missing you (though) doesn't mean he wants to work things out. Not to sounds like a dork but it's like that Meatloaf song "I want you, I need you, but there aint no way I'm ever gonna love you....two out of three aint bad." Forget that!
There is so much out there to be thankful for mellsbells. You're still young, healthy, you can see, you can hear, you can walk. Apreciate life and push yourself to move on.