Mel Def's Journal

Did my sprints this weekend so ended up only missing 1 workout technically but really since I did some addtional probably not even that. Was great on diet until tonigt when I decided I would have to have a pack of peanut M&M's. Now I am paranoid he will xray vision those delightful things right there in my tummy in the AM. Oh well. They were good!

I am down 3 pounds so nearing the 130 mark. I am going to have to visualize myself getting below that but it is tough. Seems like I will have to cut calories to 1100 or under but I suppose I can for the last few weeks. M&M's aside my appetite has decreased somewhat this week. Especially this weekend. I just didn't feel like eating that food since it seemed it would make me hungrier- that doesn't make sense to anyone but people who do these sort of comps I am sure.

Sunday is the best day for me. I feel the least like crap of the whole week and I am not sore. I like not feeling like I have been in a street fight. Is this how normal people feel? I don't mind being a bit sore but it can be excruciating. Good night!
 
hmm your workouts are pretty interesting. how come you do such high volume and low weight? more cardio?
 
For me, it isn't all that low of weight- haha. We do high volume medium weight and then medium volume heavy weight. Keep in mind that I am a 133 lb woman so doing squats with a the equivalent of my body wieght for 50 reps is tough.

Yes, it is more cardio based- we want to shred and burn fat and then he figures out where we need to build. He likes me to hit pretty high weight for my back but there is ALWAYS the element of keeping heart rate up.

I have become stronger over all. My resting heart rate is 50 and sometimes lower now. My lats have come out more.

I moan and complain but I do like the challenge. I could be very happy NEVER doing that 9.0 on the treadmill. He has insanely increased the occurence of those. My right hamstring is KILLING me. Screams with each foot fall. I wish I could float. I dream of that when I know that nasty interval is coming. I must figure out how to beat those.

I am tired and feel like dog poo... my normal feeling. :) Good night all.
 
Some moments when looking at magazines or girls I train with I get frustrated and think " Hurry body, be PERFECT!". This is the 16 year old coming out in me. The 39 year old remembers this is about a journey, this is learning living with intention and tasting and feeling the moments that bring me to that place of feeling "arrived". Arrived is fleeting, for whenever I get "there" I then start thinking about what is next. No matter the goal and no matter how lofty.

This journey is mine alone. Figuring out why I am here and what I am about and what makes me useful to others and feeling I have earned my place here on this earth. It is a great gift to be alive and whole and healthy and I certainly have spent time being broken and damaged enough to know that being "sore" and feeling decrepit from hard work and pushing myself past my percieved limits is much better than the bad place I have been in my soul where I gave in to every whim and temptation and abused myself physically and emotionally and needed to crawl out of the dark places of self hatred and depression. I am exactly where I am supposed to be and those times had to happen too so I could appreciate where I am NOW.

I am learning that each mistake is as useful as each good choice. They are equal. As long as I keep learning and living intentionally I am doing what I should.

Yesterday I burst into tears in training. 2 girls called Roc since I was acting like a crazy lady and he made me stretch. It was that treadmill and the running that did it but more so it was my mind. There was a steady chatter in there telling me I couldn't do it and I listened. I see this now but at the time all I could see were flashing signs saying "QUITTER" and "WEAK" and "LOSER". Wasteful thinking that screwed me up. I didn't do that bout well but it prepares me for the next bout and knits together my resolve and strength so I can reach the next level.

I won't arrive when weigh 126 or have the 24" inch waist or whatever other measurement I might attain, it will be when I look at me and see that I am good enough and that I did it fast enough and followed the right path to get there. I will settle for that feeling for even a brief moment and I have had it before many times. This morning I pledge to me and anyone observing that I will give my life everything I have to show how much I appreciate this time I have been given to shine and appreciate all that I have. Each moment is precious. Thanks GOD.
 
Week mostly done with lots of training and sprints and I feel tired and sore. Last night I was very strong throughout my workout and came home and ate sensibly ( hardly anything in other words, to most) I drank tea and water and slept poorly for the soreness. Nothing oto be done about that.

I worked out hard yesterday but Roc rode me and shouted a lot so he must be frustrated with my workout wimp out the other day. Oh well. Yesterday I gave it my all. I think I will need to take a small nap before work this AM. I am THAT tired.

I see much improvement in the physique. THAT will have to be what keeps me going since I don't feel much encouraged by training enviorment this week. NExt week it could be better. IN act tomorrow could be! We train and pose tomorrow and I am nearing the zone where I MUST not slip. This is the crunch time. No cheating, no skipping sprints, no wimping out. It is do or fail.
 
Today we workout and do a posing class. Roc wants to talk to me which I am trying not to dread. I would like to go into this day feeling up to anything and knowing I am capable- because I darn well am.

I am leaning out faster now, could be because I am tweaking the diet without telling Roc. In fact I know it is. I know my body best and what works as far as diet so what he doesn't know... they don't want me to drop any wieght but i they want me to be on stage at 126 I have to do it NOW or I will be a frantic mess. I am 133 right now and losing a lb wouldn't be a big deal to some but it is detectable on me- once I hit 130 I can coast since I can drop water and hit the mark. One thing I don't like is my ribs are really showing. I don't want to look anorexic but body fat goes from that area fast it seems.Waist is in the 25" region. My legs are cuttting up and OH my arms! I am loving them. I love the tri development and my shoulders are coming in. SO good for me. Might as well love the package I got. Plus my butt is not a flat nonexistent pancake anymore! Its round! Theres a definition between my hamstring and glute! SO this is incentive to keep enduring. Keep doing those sprints even when I am relegated to the stinky treadmill at the gym that I suspect tilts to one side. I know for sure once I drop the starch completely the weight will fall off. Until closer to go time I can't do that though or I will get scrawny and stringy and look bag of bonesish. :)

Booked the hotel yesterday, am going to register for the show on Tuesday and get my NPC card. Looking for tan stuff and some crystals for my suit to jazz it up because I really can't afford to shell out 700.00 for a new suit. It is all going to work out. I want it badly. Must practice the posing more. I have been so sore and fatigued and focused on keeping strict on the diet I just haven't mustered the energy but it must be done. How else will I build confidence?
 
My weight keeps dropping and I was feeling good but somehow things said and done today gave me a deep feeling of insecurity and wonder if I am up to this. I want it but today several things made me feel I was on my own and maybe not as supported in my goal by others as I thought.

Oh and the diet changed and the cardio got upped to twice a day on non training days. Insert cursing here. I want to sleep and wake up feeling good and strong and able again. The diet is MORE food. I am sure this is to compensate for the insane amont of yucky old sprints. Less carbs and more protien which is good and should bring me to the right spot. I could eat 2 c of oats right now. So hungry and tired and sore. Today was monstrous. I did 540 lb on the leg press. It felt impossible. Volume and more volume on everything and frankly I am too tired to outline it all. I have been crying and discouraged and off all day. I am praying to straighten up soon. I am an emotional wreck. Tomorrow I shall use to get myself straight. I want this badly and I can do it. IF I fail I want to be able to say I gave it my all and learn from it but it does scare me to look foolish. I don't want to be weak but strong and confident. That has left the building for now.
 
From reading the post, it seems like your mind is in the wrong place. RESET yourself and take a nice bubble bath or salt or whatever. Time to get positive and not dwell. You will find what you are looking for in life if you look for it. Look for support and positivity, you will find it; let anger, discouragement, and hopeless fills your heart and the battle is already over. With that said, I've been filled with rage myself lately as well. Must be the summer heat secrewing with our body.

Can you see the finish line? Is it time to summon that reserve energy and make for that ultimate push to surpass your competitor?
 
wow, i saw your pics from the first page and you look amazing!!!
:] great physique!~ haha and you said that you lost your "hard body" LOL its still there
 
tic said:
From reading the post, it seems like your mind is in the wrong place. RESET yourself and take a nice bubble bath or salt or whatever. Time to get positive and not dwell. You will find what you are looking for in life if you look for it. Look for support and positivity, you will find it; let anger, discouragement, and hopeless fills your heart and the battle is already over. With that said, I've been filled with rage myself lately as well. Must be the summer heat secrewing with our body.

Can you see the finish line? Is it time to summon that reserve energy and make for that ultimate push to surpass your competitor?
Click to expand...

Yep. I am better today although still bitter. I addressed the lack of support with one party which went well and that person is back on my team. :) My mom is going to help me stone my suit. It's all of it... not just the training but the money, the time, the balance of work and training and my kids not feeling neglected and unimportant. I constantly have to remember why I am doing what I am doing- hearing people marginalize what I consider a lofty goal HURTS. So I am not getting a Master's degree, working towards being top regional salesperson or trying to be VP of my company, my goal matters!

I feel hateful and sour honestly and much of that has to do with the stuff inside. You can get to that point where you let junk sit and get all crummy in your head and you have to dig the strength to go on out of the nasty, angry, selfish feelings that jet you on to "show 'em" . Show them that even though they didn't think what you were doing was worthwhile that YOU did. Also, the people that thought you wouldn't( or hoped not) be able to go the distance and give it all you got and have guts were WRONG. Those are the 2 groups you are between in some goals. The ones who want you to fail because you might get in their way of suceeding OR the ones who don't get what the hell you are doing in the first place. Then there is the small group that cheers you on and wants you to do what it is your heart desires because it makes you who you are. I needed to hear from those folks and they have been absorbed in their own stuff. I needed the people who love me to be there and they weren't.

It will get better and the good thing is that I had such an attitude today that I did BOTH sets of sprints with no problem, have stuck to my diet and managed to get through the day without creating a scene with anyone despite wanting to make someone's bowl of cornflakes soggy. Self control, patience and drive. CHECK. OK, so just barely. But no one in the real world need know that? My secret is safe here at World Fitness that I would like to have a few choice words with those who have shown me how lacking in importance, priority or interest me and my life are to them. Grrrrrrr. I mean REALLY.

Sigh. It won't do me any good to be stroppy. Atleast beyond that short moment of the lash out. I am sure the fantasy of such is much better than the reality.

Comp diet and training messes with the mind. Ask anyone who has done it. It makes you a bit nuts. Hopefully no one will think I am certifiable but I am not someone it would be wise to challenge right now. Fer sure.
 
Proteinboy said:
:] who is Roc?
what are you competing for? what stage? sry im lost :]
anyways, im sure you look great
Click to expand...

Roc is my trainer. I am competing in a Figure competition. It is the beauty contest of bodybuilding. Look up the Olympia or the Arnold and you will see what Figure is about. :) Thanks for the vote of confidence.
 
Mel, I get the same resentment from people when I tell them I am training for an Ironman. And I think that is one of the underlying causes of car/bike road rage - drivers resentful that I am out there logging time in the saddle and getting strong and lean and they are getting fatter and weaker.
 
These words... for my life today and each day I must remember...


Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Destined to achieve
Get completely clear about your objective. If all you have is a vague idea, then work on fleshing it out so it becomes detailed and specific.
Act now. Opportunities do not wait for conditions to be perfect.

Persist in your efforts. Make all of your work count for something by seeing it through to the finish.

Be thankful for the challenges and enjoy working through them. For they are where the real value is created.

Connect your goal to a meaningful purpose. When you're clear about why, you'll surely be able to take care of how.

Every frustration, every dissatisfaction you feel is really an urge to achieve. Follow those urges all the way through, and make the positive difference that is your destiny.

-- Ralph Marston



Ralph spurs me on. I am about to go and pose and train. I shall hold my head high and remember it matters what I think the very most! I am bringing my iPod in case we are doing the 9.0. I think music would help me get through... Roc probably won't like this so I must conceal... haha. I can hear the rant now.
 
awesome! i can see you'r working hard and your diet looks awesome...
i saw that u take glutamine. what does that do?
what suppliments do you take? :]
 
Glutamine helps recovery- it is an Amino Acid. Off that for now these final 3 weeks. BCAA's only per my trainer.


Here is what I am doing now il the end... twice a day EVERY day sprints at the 8.0 on the treadmill 2 min on, 1 min off. I don't think too much, just do it. Work is basically getting set on cruise control which means after the contest I will be scrambling to fill the pipeline again and get back to normal. I am too tired to do anything else. Training should be 4 days and probably will be for the final 2 weeks but 3 days a week AND the 2xday cardio for now. It's like all I do is work out. :) Everything got cut down on the diet. I am too tired to post it completely but it consists of 6 meals:

1/2 c oats


4 oz chicken

1/2 can no salt green beans, 4 oz chicken for next 2 meals

1/2 can no salt green beans and 6 oz fish for the last 2 meals.


On Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays I get to add 1/2 c brown rice to meals 3 & 4. I am anxious for THURSDAY! I fantasize about eating. And being still. Eating twinkies and peanut butter with butter and sugar on top while laying down. :D I am almost 130 now- 126 is the target for stage. I still feel fluffy and like I can't imagine it all coming together. It must.
So about nothing for all the exercise I do. I feel like I should be a rail by now and my body SCREAMS with hunger all the time. I drink plenty of hearbal tea and spring water to try and quell the hunger monster but I am hungry still. Did I mention tired? VERY tired.

I am hanging in there but it hasn't been easy- mostly I rely on my great admiration of Lance Armstrong to spur me on. Hey, he came back from cancer and won the Tour De France a bunch of times, certainly I can keep my winning attitude and give my all on stage? Push beyond the pain and exhaustion? There is no resting until I am there and I still have to figure out how to get my suit finished, hair redone and all the assorted beauty items that come with the whole thing PLUS keep my job, loans processed and not lose my reputation as a hard working loan officer. I financially can't see the end but somehow it will have to happen. I will make it happen, whatever it takes.
 
I need strong vibes of positive energy. I do NOT feel like going to do round 2 tonight. I will but I'm sulky, sore and feel far away from goal. FAAAAAAAAR AWAY. i ate extra green beans meal 4 and now feel guilty. Honestly, I don't know why- it wasn't a Reese's Butter cup but GUILT is upon me. Why can't I stick to the plan? I am going to bed early tonight but training and a work thing and a closing mean I have to get all my junk packed up before I hit the sack. That's when I wish I could just get an IV for my final meals. I don't have time. Moan and complain. It isn't getting me there. All done.
 
Got a new suit! Hooray! Looks better although a little snug still... hopefully I will come down some more and look fabulous. It is green but a Kelly Green and the bottoms are cut better.

I have been good diet wise this week but struggle to get all the sprints in yet. SIgh. Working on that. Doing it right before training was great today, had much more energy. Twice a day it must be until the end gets here- not just once. Somehow I will be ready but it is hard to see. A cycle without carbs and then adding back in makes me feel so blobby.

I can't wait until my tan stuff gets here and am going to make my mom slather it on me, hehe. That's what family is for. :D

I wish I could tighten up my bottom half faster, it doesn't seem to cooperate.

So the shoes, tan stuff, eyelashes, hotel are done. Still need to pay my entry and get my NPC card and figure out the other million and a half things I need to do.
 
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Keep in mind tht I am 3 week out, dishsheveled and my 7 year old took the pics which cause me to stress bout the camera being dropped and not pose my best.

Blah. I look ick but tan and a few more pounds and a brush through the hair will do some wonders. :D Be kind, I don't need praise ( false ) and also I don't need critque that can't be fixed or done anything about in 3 weeks. Thanks in advance. I HATE posting my pics but I dont' want to be a loser and not comply or seem fake. :) These obviously are the real deal given my crappy appearance. Hopefully some can see through the facial expressions.
 
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