Day: 12
Weight: 68.4kgChanges / Additions: Add 120g New Protein, Add 120g Old Vegetables, 80g new vegetables, 50ml milk but reduce old protein by 40g (didn't have milk), 50g carbohydrates.
Add 2 'Bad Fruit', Have 3 slice of bread and 0 Crispbreads (will have 1 bread and 6 crispbreads though)
Breakfast: Yoghurt and passionfruit
Snack: Peach and crispbreads
Lunch: Chicken Salad (added 60g new protein Chicken Thigh, 80g old vegetables)
Snack: Peach and crispbread
Dinner: BBQ steak and lamb chop (taken the bone out) (add 0g old protein, 60g new protein, 40g old vegetables and 80g new vegetables – maybe carrots, broccoli and brussel sprouts)
Water Intake: 3-4 litres.
Well last night my dinner was just to die for… massive, too much, but just amazing… The about 30 minutes later I felt so amazingly bound up and blah in my stomach – and was this the lamb or the potato. I have been looking forward to reintroducing lamb, afterall it is probably my favourite of meats/meals next to a perfectly cooked rare sirloin steak. But it never has been something I have eaten on a weekly basis, even monthly. After feeling that way I put my thought processes into action and asked myself more questions about my dinner and why it was so good and why when eating the food did I make such a big deal to myself over it. Was it the style of food? Was it the potato? Was it the lamb, the carrots or the brussel sprouts? Was it the amount? What was it…? I came to the conclusion that it was really just because the flavours in it are flavours I have been without for 6+ months. The meal wasn’t really any more special, or exciting than what I’ve been having, nor did I necessarily enjoy it more than what I have been eating on Cohens. Why was I really even obsessing over it?
It was just because it was like tasting something new again. The flavour of the lamb was amazing, but only because I haven’t had it in so long, not because it’s something I want or need to have on a daily or weekly basis. Even monthly. I would be happy to have a roast or rack of lamb every couple of months, much like I did before really, when we go for dinner at mum and dads. One of my all time favourite meals is lamb shanks and come winter I will be sure to enjoy the meal once or twice during the colder months. Like before. When I would eat it then I would relish the flavour and texture and enjoy my meal but it was never something that I would have more than a couple of times a year. I think for the amount of times I actually have lamb I will still enjoy it, but also just have a little less but this whole situation and moment got me thinking the following:
1. Must work out whether if it was in fact the lamb (basing my current conclusion on others feeling similar discomfort when they reintroduced it) or maybe even the potato.
2. The flavour of the meal was great and albit I have to ensure I introduce as many varieties of food as part of refeed but at the end of the day the lamb still tasted as I remembered it did pre-Cohens.
3. There are going to be times where I feel I have to have something because ‘it’s been so long’ or ‘it used to be a favourite’ or ‘I cant remember what it tasted like / felt like to eat it’. This is going to refer to many foods I would like to discourage from my diet (my definiation of ‘diet’ is what I actually eat not the label of something I’m on). When this happens I hope I remember last nights thoughts where really it just tasted the same as before so what’s the thrill and either wont bother or because really I do know what it’s like I wont need to gorge myself but just enjoy a moment / taste of something I felt like having at that particular time.
4. I have seen on some others diaries / forums lists of foods they cant wait to go out and eat and a couple of people have even stated that they want to go 2 or 3kg under the recommended goal weight just so that the two weeks following completion they can gorge themselves, one girl has a 3+ page list of icecream and brownies and new things she has seen advertised. One has even put together a planner for what she is going to have each day for that period. When I read it I was at first disgusted and vowed I wouldn’t return to their diary because reading it was a waste of my time. Then I was disappointed to think that they were willing to put this much effort in and take nothing away from the experience except for being a particular size for however long it would last. And lastly I felt pity because the long term damage and effect on their body will probably leave them very ill and prone to disease. Of course this is my own opinion but one of my lessons learned out of reading these type of diaries is that that’s NOT the person I want to be. I never want to be where I was 6 months ago again and I’m the only one who can ensure that happens. This has stayed in my head space for a few weeks now but the reason I mentioned it here is because while having this little analysis with myself last night I also realised that there is no reason to rush out to eat at a café, restaurant or the like. Coming into this time of year I do already have a lot of things booked at places out or parties but it just reaffirmed to me that I can go to these things and make my decisions and choices for me. I have not allowed others to put pressure on me to eat, try or sip things while on the plan so there is no reason why just because I’m off the plan I have to now say yes when offered such things. I have been thinking ‘oh, I might get myself some dark chocolate next shop so I can have some next week’ and similar but now after last nights meal and thoughts I will actually wait until I feel like it – man it might not be until January or Febuary that the desire to have some chocolate hits.
5. And lastly… nothing needs to change, stay grounded and focused and enjoy life. Enjoy life – that’s another thing – I wasn’t enjoying my life 6 months ago, I now am, therefore, a physically, mentally and emotionally unstable, unfit and most importantly unhealthy Lauren cannot enjoy life… A healthy, nourished, fit, confident, level headed, secure Lauren can enjoy life – AND SO I WILL!!!
Well that’s my book for today. Mainly stuff I just needed to mentally vent. Each day on introducing less desirable food gives me more confidence in myself to staying healthy and happy. I will certainly have something i.e. chocolate, bread, cake etc when I feel like it but it will be because I feel like it. Not because it’s there, it was offered to me, I am sad, pre-menstral, tired, bored or as a reward.
I would like to introduce (drum roll please……….) Lauren as herself. The real herself. The person she has always wanted to be mentally and physically is now a real and living and breathing being, no longer gasping for life.
Well reading back that last paragraph, yes it’s a bit tossy and full of myself but I just feel so empowered and real. Maybe even just realistic – yeah I think that’s it. This is nothing new in the world or to most but this last six months it just become real and realistic for me.
Signing off now. I will come back and re-read and cringe at what I wrote later – it probably wont make sense to anyone.
Lauren x
