Thank you all for your congratulations... It's been very exciting!
I've just realised how long it's been since I've written in here... Bad me... I figured that if I dont kick myself up the butt and write something now I will just keep making other priorities over it and then I will have nothing to come back and read at a later date!!!
Its been very up and down and very busy the last few weeks and thankfully I have had Cohen's in my life as that has given me the structure one needs in this kind of time! The structured routine and preparation I have come to love has been great and has kept me grounded at a time where previously I would just carry on like a chook with it's head cut off. I have had a couple of major downs and a couple of very emotional highs and every day I have been meaning to come in to share them and everyday it's gotten to me laying in bed thinking 'crap, I still haven't written in my diary!'.
I think I've had the realisation that I am not far off of refeed as I have just been feeling like a scatter brain, especially the last two days. I'm not overly hungry yet but am finding that I am noticeably peckish between breakfast and lunch, I'm fine between lunch and dinner, but then think about food from when I've had dinner until I go to bed. I have spaced out my snacks by having breakfast then 1 hour and 45 mins later I have 3 wedges (I cut my oranges into 8) and 1 salada square. Then the same again another 1 hour and 45 minutes later. Then lunch and the same between lunch and dinner and then after dinner I will have half an orange, 4 wedges, for dessert. Mentally though I just feel like I am an on exercise bike - peddling, peddling, peddling but getting no-where in reality!!! It feels like I'm trying to concentrate on too many things but when I look at my list it's more than realistic. I will start a task and even without a distraction I feel distracted from it but so focussed at the same time. I understand that I probably dont make much sense but that's what I feel like in my head. I will actually cross a task off of my to do list but then an hour later I will be like 'oh I have to finish that or do that' then I look at my list and see it completed and then have to look at what I did because I cant remember doing it! Very bizaar!!!
WARNING - PROBABLY TOO MUCH INFO BUT.... Being TTOM hasn't helped. I have found since being on Cohens that I will have my date I should start and then I need push it to the next week at the same time. Then it happens and so I recalculate and then get to that date, all the symptoms and side effects I suffer are there but it doesn't actually start till the following week! Frustrating, especially since it means that instead of 1 week of hell in the week leading up to it I have been suffering from 2 and that hasn't helped me in the last two week. Last Wednesday and Thursday I just couldn't cope. I actually had to take some of my anxiety tablets which it's been nearly a year since I last had one. LB was just perfect as usual and just let me bawl, ran me a bath in a tealight lit bathroom and then greated me with a warmed towel from the dryer to take me into the lounge, which was also tealight lit, and gave me a lovely massage before tucking me into bed. I am such a lucky girl. It's actually our 3 year anniversary today and his got a surprise for me tonight so I'm very excited to get home.
I'm not sure if I put it into a previous post or not but next Friday I have a black tie gala dinner to attend and I am going as the guest to one of our service providers. It is a very big event in Adelaide every year and have been a number of times with my fathers business. It's only me going however so I have booked a flash hotel room for the night so that LB can go and relax there for a few hours and then get ready to come and meet me afterward and we will head into the casino etc and have a bit of a treat for ourselves. Anyway, I have been stressing about what to wear because I haven't wanted to purchase a new gown or evening dress because I still dont know what size I will be when I stabilise and it's not worth the money so I went through my wardrobe and decided that I would just deal with wearing the bridesmaids dress I wore in my sisters wedding (2001) and just get it taken in. Luckily it's just a pretty straight forward strapless satin gown. I took it to the alterations place and asked how much it would cost to be taken in. It was only going to be $45 and then I asked about a couple of moderations also and the total came to $66. I was happy with that but still not estatic because it would have felt much nicer to be wearing a modern glamerous gown that said 'Size 12' instead of saying 'Size 16' that had been taken in. So I thought I must purchase myself a new bra though as a 16/18 across the back in a strapless one just isn't going to do the job right. I thought I'll just shoot into Target. I walked in and straight in front of me was this gorgeous little cocktail dress. I didn't know if it would be formal enough for black tie but thought I would try it on to see. That in itself was huge for me as I never try on things at the shop. I just buy and try it on at home and if I dont like it I just return it. I grabbed a bra too and went in to try it all on. I look at myself and just felt... hmmm... looking for the right word... special. I felt special. I wanted to see it in the outside mirror and stepped out and there was a lady there, probably mid to late 50's, with her daughter, my age, and grand daughter. This lady looked at me and just said 'Wow, you look amazing in that. That is just stunning. I cant believe it's from here it's so flash.' I got very emotional and started to tear up! She asked what was wrong and I had to explain to her I have never worn this size as an adult and never felt this good in a formal / cocktail dress, I've never felt so confident and amazing. I asked if it was dressy enough for a black tie and she said definately and then her daughter had to come out of her change room to look at me because of what she was hearing. I just felt amazing! It was only $50 so I saved on what I was going to spend on the alterations to wear something I didn't feel so amazing in so I just bought it.
I was so excited i went to my sisters straight from the store to show her. I put it on and her and my brother in law and his mother all said it was just perfect. It suited my figure and style of clothing just spot on (I only really wear V-necks as have always been heavy chested). My sister asked if she could try it on which was fine, especially when she (and her husband) said oh yeah that is gorgeous but it looks better on you (we have very different body shapes, I'm an hourglass and she's a pear). And then the bomb hit... Then she said 'this will be perfect for so and so's wedding', at this stage still fine, she then asked if she could borrow it for the wedding and I said sure, still fine, and then we were back in her bedroom and she was taking it off and she pulled out a coat hanger from her wardrobe, hung the dress and put it into her wardrobe. Situation no longer fine! I said 'ah excuse me, what are you doing?' she replied 'the wedding is this Sunday'. All that excitement just disappeared, I have told her she can borrow the dress but it means she will wear it two weeks before I even get to wear it and this dress and pending evening means so much to me. I asked her if it was ok to take it home with me tonight so that I could at least show LB and she can pick it up later in the week. I was bit upset when I got home because she knew, well she could see, how much of a big deal it was for me. I told LB and he was pretty angry, especially because of the hair situation and a few other recent things. At the end of the day she's my sister and I love her and this is what we do for eachother. Anyway she wore the dress and had to pin it to her bra and got a pull in it and I think she realised when she picked it up that I was upset that I wouldn't be the first to wear it etc so today she has called me to say that she has gone and bought me a new one. She will get a lot of wear out of it and thought she would be quite happy to keep it and buy me a new one because it is a big deal to me. Sometimes it's like we are twins, we know what the other is thinking without having to say anything, although I think my mum may have had a hand in it also as I had a bit of an unintentional whinge to her!!! It's very rare that we would have the same social occasion so there's no chance of rocking up to something wearing the same outfit!
Anyway that's probably enough of a book! There were some other moments that I should have written about that have occurred since my last post but that situation has really affected my week and as you all probably can tell by now I just dont shut up and have to go into great detail!
Still feeling good. The last two days have had an extra half of fruit one day and yesterday had an extra cracker so I'm hoping it wont play too much havoc with my loss for this fortnight... starting to look forward to refeed!!!
I hope everyone else is going well. It looks like I'm not the only one who's been a bit light on posts of late!
Have a great week.
Lauren
