Laughing burns calories too

i mentioned 'hoovergate' the other day...finally today day 4...my eldest says so what did you want me to do?? i've only asked him every friggin day since sunday to vacum his room & bring the hoover back down...each day hes said i'll do it tomorrow not that day for one reason or another...going out/studying/tired etc... whatever...but then did he really forget what i'd asked him to do so many times?? or was it just an excuse to pull a face (again) when i told him (again) what i wanted him to do...after flouncing back upstairs (don't know where he gets the drama from :rolleyes:) he comes back down the stairs...looks in the hall cupboard for the vacum cleaner & shouts so wheres the hoover???

i said in the same place its been since sunday...he looks at me like yeah so where?? & i say in your bathroom!! i have my own ensuite...yet he 'forgets' hes had the vacum cleaner standing up next to the bath...in the very bathroom...that hes been in & out of however many times since sunday??

i swear sometimes....living with him is like living with the 4th husband i never wanted!!!

so come on guys?? do tell...why/how would he forget what i wanted him to do or where the hoover was?? hes not stupid or particularly dozy...was it just that it was unimportant to him so he zoned it out?? kind of like like i do when my sister goes on & on about why i should join facebook?? :sleeping: hahaha



Johnny And The Word Game

In school Mrs. Rogers was playing a word game with the kids.

She would shout out a letter and then pick on a student, and the student would pick a word that starts with the letter.

Mrs. Rogers said the letter "B" and Johnny raised his hand.

Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say bitch She called on Sally instead. Sally said Ball

Mrs. Rogers said the letter "P", and Johnny raised his hand again.

Since Mrs. Rogers thought he'd say Pussy, she called on Frank, who said paper.

Finally, Mrs. Rogers said the letter "R", and again Johnny raised his hand.

Mrs. Rogers couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R" so she picked Johnny.


Johnny hesitated and said "Rat" .... "A Big Mother Fucking Rat"
 
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.


The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify

the taste.


'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes
 
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. 'I want to be gorgeous,' and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says 'I want to be gorgeous too' Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

'Make 'em all ugly again.'
 
Gator said:
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. 'I want to be gorgeous,' and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says 'I want to be gorgeous too' Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

'Make 'em all ugly again.'
Click to expand...

HAHAHAHAHA, laughing at people's misfortunes makes life worth living. Even if those people aren't real and even if their misfortunes involve their death. Ahh, it's magical.

Ok, I'm really tired and I want to try and make up a new joke. So, here goes...

A duck, a robot and a spoon walk into a bar. The duck goes up to the bartender and says, "I'll have a scotch". The bartender serves him a scotch and the duck drinks it down.

The robot goes up to the bartender and says, "I'll have a bourbon". The bartender serves him a scotch and the robot drinks it down.

The spoon is an inanimate object and can't talk, so it just sits there.

But how did it walk into the bar in the first place, you ask? I don't know. Umm...that's why it's funny? Man, writing jokes is hard. Hard...the complete opposite of the state of my penis right now. Well, half of the complete opposite. I just saw this commercial for Dancing With The Stars and the sight of Shawn Johnson made my penis move a little. I know it's wrong, because she's like 16 years old or some shit, she has the name of a boy and she kiiiiinda looks like a mouse, but I can't help it. Hell, I get boners on the bus sometimes because of the vibrations. What do you want me to do about it? I'm not in school anymore, so I can't just put a book over it. So, it just happens. If you're sitting next to me when it happens, I'm sorry, but consider it a bonus. You know, like a free show that you can talk about with your friends later. Sure, you'll make fun of how small it was and how you could barely tell that I even had an erection, but entertainment is entertainment, you know?

Alright, WELP...I guess I'll see you guys later.
 
The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.
 
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation .

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head, "no.."

Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue, and again shakes her head, "no."

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right
butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she
begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it afore!"
 
A husband is at home watching a
football game when his wife interrupts,

honey,
could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily,
fix the lights now?
Does it look like i have
energex written on my forehead?
I don't think so.

Fine,

then the wife asks,
well then, could you fix the fridge door?
It won't close right

to which he replied,
fix the fridge door?
Does it look like i have smeg
written on my forehead?
I don't think so

fine, she says
then you could at least fix the steps
to the front door?
They are about to break

i'm not a carpenter and i don't
want to fix steps
he says, does it look like i have
bunnings written on my forehead?
I don't think so
i've had enough of you.
I'm going to the pub!!!!

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a
couple of hours.................................

He starts to feel guilty about how
he treated his wife, and decides
to go home

as he walks into the house he notices
that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house , he sees the
hall light is working

as he goes to get a beer, he notices
the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?
She said, well, when you left i sat
outside and cried

just then a nice young man asked me
what was wrong, and i told him.

He offered to do all the repairs, and
all i had to do was either
go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He said,
so what kind of cake did you bake?

She replied,
hellooooo..
Do you see sara lee written
on my forehead?
I don't think so!
 
One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.

So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"

Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".

"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.

So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"

"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.

"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"
 
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right!" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
 
last one...

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".



awful i know...but still...it made me laugh...
 
HA!!! That kid put his weiner in his teacher.

10 Reasons To Date A Baseball Player

1. They have great hands.
2. They’re used to scoring no matter what base they’re on.
3. They have tremendous endurance.
4. They always use a glove.
5. They don’t stop until the job is done and there is always extra innings.
6. They never strike out.
7. They like to touch every base carefully.
8. They swing big sticks.
9. They take the extra base if they can.
10. They slide into home REALLY HARD.
 
thanks a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i have been trying to turn over a new leaf & not think about sex or the lack thereof...for at least...oooooh an hr or so now...then i go and read no.10??? with bloody capitals for emphasis!!?? are you friggin kidding me?????!! LOL
 
Michelley85 said:
:smilielol5: I agree with 2713.

ahaha, that sounds funny. Reminds me of number 5.
Click to expand...

Stop thinking about sex? WHY?!?! Sex is awesome and amazing and :drool5:

Sex cures cancer and makes politicians write new laws. I'd have sex everyday if I could... I especially LOVE the foreplay and making a girl cream before we go at it.
 
OK... here goes the one and only joke I know.

Why did the snowman pull down his pants?

He heard the snowblower coming.
 
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