Laughing burns calories too

a nun gets on a bus thats empty except for the driver.

she says 'i'm going to die soon but i want to have sex before i do but i must remain a virgin so it must be anal and i can't commit adultery so the man must be single, can you fulfill my wish?'

yes says the driver and fulfills her wish...then feeling guilty says 'i'm sorry i lied, i'm married with 3 children'

thats ok said the nun i lied too. 'my name is kevin and i'm going to a fancy dress party!'
 
familyweese said:
HAHAHAHAHA thats only funny because I think I have said those exact same words before. On several occasions.
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I haven't said those words, but I've definitely heard them many, many, MANY times before. You women folk can be scary at times. :blush5:

This is one of my all-time favorite jokes...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he is sitting there, waiting for his beer, a girl walks up to the bar and he overhears her ordering a Grasshopper.

At the end of the night, as the guy is walking home from the bar, he notices a grasshopper sitting on the sidewalk. The guy stops and goes, "OH MY GOD...they have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks up at the guy and says, "There's a drink named Mike?"
 
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ChefChiTown said:
I haven't said those words, but I've definitely heard them many, many, MANY times before. You women folk can be scary at times. :blush5:

This is one of my all-time favorite jokes...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he is sitting there, waiting for his beer, a girl walks up to the bar and he overhears her ordering a Grasshopper.

At the end of the night, as the guy is walking home from the bar, he notices a grasshopper sitting on the sidewalk. The guy stops and goes, "OH MY GOD...they have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks up at the guy and says, "There's a drink named Mike?"
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:willy_nilly:
 
familyweese said:
HAHAHAHAHA thats only funny because I think I have said those exact same words before. On several occasions.
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haven't we all!!?

the way i look at it is like this...the poor little lambs (that'd be the men folk...)

have it good for 3 wks out of 4...most of the time i can let things go over my head...for instance been waiting since sunday for my eldest to hoover his room & pass the vacum cleaner back down...we may well be knee deep in dust that needs to be hoovered up downstairs (ok maybe a slight exaggeration!!) but hell will freeze over before i'll do it for him hes 20 FGS!!

but my point is...i am not letting it bother me (well not too much LOL) now if this was 'that' time of the month...i'd be obsessed with why he hadn't done it & would probably think he was doing it...or rather not doing it...just to piss me off (which is not true hes just a typical student & will put things off for as long as he can) b/c with PMT (or PMS as think you say in US)...everything feels very personal...but if men were coping with hormones surging all over the place & everything else they'd be a bit bloody touchy & sensitive too!!

i often ask myself in the middle of a bout of loony/PMTness would i be feeling like this/arguing about this/that etc if it wasn't 'that' time of the month??

but the thing is you can't escape from the inside of your own hormonally challenged head so of course i always convince myself that i would!! oh...& that its them...not me!!! well i would say that wouldn't i!!?

btw
for the other 3 weeks i'm an :Angel_anim:...so whats the big deal about a few days of crazy a month??!:D
 
We have NOTHING to say 'sorry' about or need to feel 'crazy' re: our cycles and PMS/PMT..

If men had to go through what we did every month, they'd be in the hospital for the entire cycle! :biggrinjester: :biggrinjester:

One time when I was very upset w/hubby over a pms/cycle argument bc he stated I was bein' too 'touchy/complaining', I suggested he wear a pad between his legs all week or plug up his bootie with a tampon and then he could 'suggest' how I was to feel/act.

I told him it could be an experiment like the men that will put on the pregger suits to try and understand that.

To take it a step further, I also told him he could eat lots of things that would 'stop him up' so-to-speak so he might get a tiny glance at what the horrid cramps are like.

I had flowers and a card the next day and he has never tried to 'point anything out' re: that again!

:biggrinjester:

:rofl:
 
oh no i know i go seriously loopy with PMT...& will argue about anything!!:willy_nilly:

i once had a humdinger of an argument with my eldest son when he was about 16...about what constitutes a jacket as opposed to a coat??! oh yeah i did!!:blush5: of course while i was getting all worked up he went out laughing...& thinking i'd finally lost it no doubt!!

i also once told the same son...that his (new) GF bored the knickers off me!! i know i know how awful is that?? in my defence though she was/is one of those 'veggies'...telling my son she didn't want him eating meat near her or cooking meat while she was visiting...

i've been a veggie for 20 yrs+ & cook meat for my my two sons & guests. i didn't like that she was quite controlling with him...thats my job...i'm joking...no really i am...honest!!

how hes not emotionally scarred by all this i'll never know LOL...but then when its not that time of the month we get along just fine. though we are totally different. sometimes its like i'm the teenager & hes the grown up...hes sometimes too serious for his own blummin good....anyway before i turn the joke thread into a PMTfest...


a joke...

A woman goes to her doctor for her annual checkup.

The nurse starts with certain basic items.

How much do you weigh?' she asks. 'Eight and a half stone,' the woman says.

The nurse puts her on the scales and her weight is actually 14 stone.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 8 !!!', she says. The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman that it is very high.

'Of course it's HIGH !!!' the woman screams, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender ... Now I'm short and fat !!!'

(NB a stone = 14lbs...couldn't be bothered to change to lbs only!!)


& another...

Flour and Water ...how come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?

And then when you add eggs and sugar ... you get cake ???

Where did the glue go ??? NEED AN ANSWER ???

You know darned well where it went ... that's what makes the cake stick to your ARSE !!!

(US translation arse = ass...i know i know you knew already LOL)
 
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hickgurltx said:
We have NOTHING to say 'sorry' about or need to feel 'crazy' re: our cycles and PMS/PMT..

If men had to go through what we did every month, they'd be in the hospital for the entire cycle! :biggrinjester: :biggrinjester:

One time when I was very upset w/hubby over a pms/cycle argument bc he stated I was bein' too 'touchy/complaining', I suggested he wear a pad between his legs all week or plug up his bootie with a tampon and then he could 'suggest' how I was to feel/act.

I told him it could be an experiment like the men that will put on the pregger suits to try and understand that.

To take it a step further, I also told him he could eat lots of things that would 'stop him up' so-to-speak so he might get a tiny glance at what the horrid cramps are like.

I had flowers and a card the next day and he has never tried to 'point anything out' re: that again!

:biggrinjester:

:rofl:
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I love when women use the argument of "you don't know how it feels to (insert feminine thing here)." I hear women all the time, who do nothing but use that argument and act as if we (men) are supposed to feel sorry for them. But, those women are usually the same women who say things like "it can't be that bad" when you talk about what it feels like to be kicked in the balls.

You don't know what it feels like to get kicked in the balls, so don't tell me that it can't be that bad.

Oh, and having a dude shove a tampon in his bunghole would be nothing like a woman shoving a tampon inside of her baby maker.

Vagina = pleasurable
Bunghole = WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE? :cuss:
 
I love when 'some' men talk just to hear themselves speak.

:rolleyes:

BTW - you don't know me and I have never told any man that I knew what it felt like to be kicked in the balls or that 'it can't be that bad.'

Have some cycles - have a baby - then get back w/me.... K?

K..
 
hickgurltx said:
I love when 'some' men talk just to hear themselves speak.

:rolleyes:

BTW - you don't know me and I have never told any man that I knew what it felt like to be kicked in the balls or that 'it can't be that bad.'

Have some cycles - have a baby - then get back w/me.... K?

K..
Click to expand...

Damn chef, she just totally pwned you. Best to just cut your losses, take a few laps and work on getting your mancard back...
 
hickgurltx said:
I love when 'some' men talk just to hear themselves speak.

:rolleyes:

BTW - you don't know me and I have never told any man that I knew what it felt like to be kicked in the balls or that 'it can't be that bad.'

Have some cycles - have a baby - then get back w/me.... K?

K..
Click to expand...

?????

I wasn't angry with you, so I don't know why this got personal all of a sudden. I was just making a statement about how funny it is that a lot of women do "that".

I don't need to have cycles and I don't need to have a baby to know that it can be painful and uncomfortable. It's called common sense. If something the size of a pineapple came rushing out my asshole one day, I'd bitch about how it felt too. I just find it funny (and somewhat hypocritical) when women use the argument of "you don't know what it's like" and then completely dismiss something painful and uncomfortable that only a man can feel.

If you want to take that to heart and get personal about, then so be it. Personally, I wouldn't take things too seriously...especially on an internet forum.
 
ChefChiTown said:
?????

I wasn't angry with you, so I don't know why this got personal all of a sudden. I was just making a statement about how funny it is that a lot of women do "that".

I don't need to have cycles and I don't need to have a baby to know that it can be painful and uncomfortable. It's called common sense. If something the size of a pineapple came rushing out my asshole one day, I'd bitch about how it felt too. I just find it funny (and somewhat hypocritical) when women use the argument of "you don't know what it's like" and then completely dismiss something painful and uncomfortable that only a man can feel.

If you want to take that to heart and get personal about, then so be it. Personally, I wouldn't take things too seriously...especially on an internet forum.
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"You don't know how it feels... you don't know how it feels... you don't know how it feels... to be meeeeEEe"

Tom Petty. :sifone:
 
ChefChiTown said:
I love when women use the argument of "you don't know how it feels to (insert feminine thing here)." I hear women all the time, who do nothing but use that argument and act as if we (men) are supposed to feel sorry for them. But, those women are usually the same women who say things like "it can't be that bad" when you talk about what it feels like to be kicked in the balls.

You don't know what it feels like to get kicked in the balls, so don't tell me that it can't be that bad.

Oh, and having a dude shove a tampon in his bunghole would be nothing like a woman shoving a tampon inside of her baby maker.

Vagina = pleasurable
Bunghole = WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE? :cuss:
Click to expand...



hmmmm i've been thinking about balls...or rather what it would be like to have a pair...y'know 'out there' all dangly & exposed...& while i have to agree with you chef that i'm sure its not very pleasant at all as they must be very senstive...imagine knowing you're going to be kicked in the balls for several days every month of your life between the ages of 13 & 50?? it'd kinda piss you off wouldn't it?? (hence the PMT...)

still think we can we all agree being kicked in the balls not nice/period cramps ditto...so truce??! LOL

(i'll even let the whole additional issue of childbirth pain go...though they don't call it labour for nothing hahaha...an old one i know...but the pineapple thing yeah good analogy :eek:)

ps at first i put 'been thinking about your balls...or rather...' would have been funnier & this is suppoed to be a joke thread after all (before some bloody trouble causer posted a PMT joke...who was that??! :leaving:) then i thought ickick imagine if you're nearer my sons age (hes 20) than mine (42 tomorrow yay!!...soooo not yay!!) that would be so mrs robinson of me...& personally i'd sooner date a guy twice my age than half...as i prefer my men older & more wrinkled than i am!! so ok maybe not 80...unless of course we're talking octogenarian multi millionaire on life support...:newangel: but 50's definitely... back to alec baldwin hes about 50 & robert de niros 66...& yeah so would...
 
baglady2713 said:
hmmmm i've been thinking about balls...or rather what it would be like to have a pair...y'know 'out there' all dangly & exposed...& while i have to agree with you chef that i'm sure its not very pleasant at all as they must be very senstive...imagine knowing you're going to be kicked in the balls for several days every month of your life between the ages of 13 & 50?? it'd kinda piss you off wouldn't it?? (hence the PMT...)
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I did kinda get kicked in the balls all the time for a while. Ironically, it was when my ex-girlfriend was going through her periods.

She would always feel the need to get unnecessarily moody and turn to unwanted physical contact with me. Yes, my entire penis area was involved with this contact, but notice how I said it was UNwanted. She thought it was funny to hit me "there" when she was moody. I don't know, I guess my pain made her feel better.

She actually hit me so hard once that it made me throw up. But, that's a long story.

Anyway, here's a joke...

A man escapes from prison, where he had been serving a life sentence. After he escaped, he knew the police would be right behind, so he looked for a place to hide.

He wandered into a neighborhood that was full of houses and he thought it would be a good idea to hide there. He broke into a house, in an effort to find escape. After he broke into the house, he noticed that there was a young couple lying in bed with one another.

The couple awoke in terror. The escaped convict ordered the man to get out of bed and ended up tying him to a chair. He then walks over and begins to tie up the wife to the bed. As he is tying up the wife, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck and then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While the escaped convict is in the bathroom, the husband says to the wife, "Look, this guy is an escaped convict. Just look at this clothes! He's probably been in prison for a while, so he probably hasn't been with a woman in a long time either. I could tell by the way he was kissing your neck. He's probably really dangerous, so if he wants sex, don't resist him. Just let him do whatever he wants and don't struggle. If he gets upset, he'll probably kill us both. I love you, honey. Be strong!"

The wife then says, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he was gay, thought you were cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him that we had some in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too!"
 
thats awful that she did that...PMT/periods suck...but no excuse for physical violence!! & i very much doubt a kick in the balls is ever funny...thank god shes an ex-GF!!



but on another subject entirely...loved the joke!!:D
 
baglady2713 said:
i very much doubt a kick in the balls is ever funny...
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I don't know, I think it's funny...when it happens to someone else!
 
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