Laughing burns calories too
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Michelley85
New member
I was feeling depressed so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was feeling suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was feeling suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
ChefChiTown
New member
HA!!!
A guy walks into a sex shop. He's interested in purchasing a sex doll, so he asks the owner for help.
"Ok", says the owner, "what kind do you want?"
"What do you mean, 'what kind' do I want?", asks the man.
The owner then explains to the man that they have different models.
"We have two different models; American and Muslim", says the owner.
"What's the difference?", asks the man.
The owner answers, "Well, the American model comes with a pump, but the Muslim one blows itself up!"
A guy walks into a sex shop. He's interested in purchasing a sex doll, so he asks the owner for help.
"Ok", says the owner, "what kind do you want?"
"What do you mean, 'what kind' do I want?", asks the man.
The owner then explains to the man that they have different models.
"We have two different models; American and Muslim", says the owner.
"What's the difference?", asks the man.
The owner answers, "Well, the American model comes with a pump, but the Muslim one blows itself up!"
Michelley85
New member
Ahahaha!
Funny. Wrong, but funny.
Funny. Wrong, but funny.
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped."
"Except what?"
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me ! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
"Ahh, but you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said
"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
Businessman "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say...
"Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:
"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped."
"Except what?"
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me ! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
"Ahh, but you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said
"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
Businessman "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say...
"Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:
"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
Michelley85
New member
Hahahaha! That's a good'n
When little Johnny was 8 years old he was very curious. He heard older
boys talk about things like fucking but he didn’t understand what they
meant.
One day little Johnny went to his mom. "Mom, what’s sex?" His mom was
surprised by this and simply replied "Well, Johnny, why don’t you just
hide behind the curtains in your older sister’s room one night and watch
her and her boyfriend."
For once little Johnny did what he was told. He told his mom about it the
next day.
"Well mom, first my sister and her boyfriend came into the room and sat
on the bed together. They started kissing each other. I think my sister was
feeling a little sick because she started to moan. Her boyfriend layed her
on the bed and took off her shirt. Then she took his shirt off. They kept
kissing and kissing and kissing. Finally they sat up and sis took her pants
off. Her boyfriend did the same and I saw why they were sick. There was
this giant snake, it was huge! About 10 inches, I swear! Sis gasped and
exclaimed she had never seen one that big. She, apparently hasn’t
played in the backyard much. Anyways, sis tried to kill the snake by biting
it, but it didn’t work. Finally her boyfriend grabbed a small bag and stuffed
the snake into it. They went back to kissing and the snake crawled up sis.
Neither seemed to care though. After a little more kissing I saw the snake
again. This time it was dead. I knew it was dead because when sis’
boyfriend stood up the snake just lay there very limp. I dangled between
his legs. I think it was stuck to him somehow. Any way, he sat down again
next to sis and they started kissing again. That’s when I realized the
snake wasn’t dead after all! It jumped straight up again!. Her boyfriend
laid down on the bed and sis sat on the snake, trying to kill it. I didn’t see it
for a bit but the next time I saw it the snake was limp again. This time it
was dead for sure, because sis’ boyfriend took it’s skin off and flushed it
down the toilet."
boys talk about things like fucking but he didn’t understand what they
meant.
One day little Johnny went to his mom. "Mom, what’s sex?" His mom was
surprised by this and simply replied "Well, Johnny, why don’t you just
hide behind the curtains in your older sister’s room one night and watch
her and her boyfriend."
For once little Johnny did what he was told. He told his mom about it the
next day.
"Well mom, first my sister and her boyfriend came into the room and sat
on the bed together. They started kissing each other. I think my sister was
feeling a little sick because she started to moan. Her boyfriend layed her
on the bed and took off her shirt. Then she took his shirt off. They kept
kissing and kissing and kissing. Finally they sat up and sis took her pants
off. Her boyfriend did the same and I saw why they were sick. There was
this giant snake, it was huge! About 10 inches, I swear! Sis gasped and
exclaimed she had never seen one that big. She, apparently hasn’t
played in the backyard much. Anyways, sis tried to kill the snake by biting
it, but it didn’t work. Finally her boyfriend grabbed a small bag and stuffed
the snake into it. They went back to kissing and the snake crawled up sis.
Neither seemed to care though. After a little more kissing I saw the snake
again. This time it was dead. I knew it was dead because when sis’
boyfriend stood up the snake just lay there very limp. I dangled between
his legs. I think it was stuck to him somehow. Any way, he sat down again
next to sis and they started kissing again. That’s when I realized the
snake wasn’t dead after all! It jumped straight up again!. Her boyfriend
laid down on the bed and sis sat on the snake, trying to kill it. I didn’t see it
for a bit but the next time I saw it the snake was limp again. This time it
was dead for sure, because sis’ boyfriend took it’s skin off and flushed it
down the toilet."
ChefChiTown
New member
This one can be filed under the "undeniably cute" category...
baglady2713
New member
thought my baby making days well & truly over but...
this makes even me want another one...
well for the 1 min & 8 secs it lasts for anyway!! LOL
all together now ahhhhh...
this makes even me want another one...
well for the 1 min & 8 secs it lasts for anyway!! LOL
all together now ahhhhh...
Michelley85
New member
Awww fer cute!
If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!
"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care
of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONORABLE MEN!!!!!!"
"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care
of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONORABLE MEN!!!!!!"
Man returns home early from a business trip
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a
taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home,
he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to
catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back,
and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous!
I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave
you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh
Steelers AND Florida Gator season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our
country club membership, and he even pays for the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a
cold."
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a
taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home,
he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to
catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back,
and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous!
I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave
you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh
Steelers AND Florida Gator season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our
country club membership, and he even pays for the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a
cold."
ChefChiTown
New member
A chicken walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Oh, I'm sorry, we don't serve poultry."
The chicken says, "That's ok. I just want a drink."
The bartender says, "Oh, I'm sorry, we don't serve poultry."
The chicken says, "That's ok. I just want a drink."
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."
"Oh, by the way, don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just laid there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally, the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
See - Men just don't listen!
"Oh, by the way, don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just laid there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally, the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
See - Men just don't listen!
baglady2713
New member
Q:
How many women with PMT does it take to change a light
bulb?
Woman'sAnswer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this fuck'n house knows HOW to change a fuck'n light bulb! They don't even know that the fuck'n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE fuck'n DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them,
2 DAYS LATER, the fuck'n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME fuck'n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO FUCKER EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE FUCK'N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE FUCK'N HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE FUCK'N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry.
What was the question?
How many women with PMT does it take to change a light
bulb?
Woman'sAnswer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this fuck'n house knows HOW to change a fuck'n light bulb! They don't even know that the fuck'n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE fuck'n DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them,
2 DAYS LATER, the fuck'n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME fuck'n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO FUCKER EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE FUCK'N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE FUCK'N HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE FUCK'N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry.
What was the question?
baglady2713
New member
don't do sports so absolutely no clue what this is all about. OU stands for open university in the UK but i'm guessing it means something different in the US!!
but i did like the voodoo dick & woodcutter jokes
edit...
&the parrot one!!
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