Laughing burns calories too

baglady2713 said:
i remember once reading that if a woman wants to attract a man she should dab a bit of her scent on her pressure points...wrists/behind ears etc as you would any perfum...& that men would pick up her scent & be attracted to her...well not if like chef they think she smells or was it tastes?? like an old spoon??!
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Seriously, you guys, er, ladies, taste like a spoon. HAHAHA, I don't know else to describe it. But, maybe things have changed in the past 7 years. Maybe you taste like mint chocolate chip ice cream now. Oh man, can you imagine? If I was a girl and I knew that my babymaker tasted like ice cream, I'd be eating myself like I was malnourished.

familyweese said:
For the record you all know my adversion to oral but I have tried it before. I have been told that I was sweet so I guess its good that my name is Candy lol. However the one and only time I have "tasted" a mans juices it was like a nasty salty booger. God I gaged just now thinking about it.
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A salty booger? HAHAHAHA, oh man...maybe that's why it's been so long for me. Maybe I taste repulsive, like spoiled milk and vinegar salad dressing.
 
I'm thinking the fishy/bleachy/old spoon/coppery taste is largely down to people's personal hygiene more than anything else. And if it tastes like that, then....well.....:puke:

Anything else is probably down to personal preference, and also technique. I mean, as funny as it is, the taste buds for sweet *are* mainly on the tip of your tongue, so....erhmmm....the deeper he goes, the less likely you are to taste anything sweet.....*lol* Try the popsicle method (suck the tip) to get a proper taste, and you might end up surprised.....;)

As for the girls, same thing, depends on personal preference. I've yet got to meet one that wasn't yummy, but I couldn't describe the taste if my life depended on it. It's unique.:drool5:

And....just out of curiousity, when did this thread turn from harmless jokes to an in-depth analysis of oral sex? :rotflmao:
 
ChefChiTown said:
Seriously, you guys, er, ladies, taste like a spoon. HAHAHA, I don't know else to describe it. But, maybe things have changed in the past 7 years. Maybe you taste like mint chocolate chip ice cream now. Oh man, can you imagine? If I was a girl and I knew that my babymaker tasted like ice cream, I'd be eating myself like I was malnourished.


A salty booger? HAHAHAHA, oh man...maybe that's why it's been so long for me. Maybe I taste repulsive, like spoiled milk and vinegar salad dressing.
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yes...maybe chef...but how would you...y'know go about it?? to get down/under there on yourself??!


ickickick salty booger???!! this has to be the worst description yet!!! LOL


anyway chef re metallic taste it seems you're not on your own...



i thought it might have been about being late in a womans cycle...plus the vagina is acidic...but it still sounds grosse!!!
just never ever...go there...around that time of the month...really not ever!! or maybe its just this fella whos asking the question...as i thought men like it when women get very wet....no bloody pleasing some ppl!! LOL
 
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radical change of subject from salty boogers to...

POLITICS & ECONOMICS

(i know whats funny right?? but it made me laugh...admittedly it doesn't take much to make me giggle as i'm a bit of a giddy miss anyway...still..........)


SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit
opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive


edit...
nothings changed since i was last there...italy is still my kinda place!! LOL
 
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not sure if you got this in the states...

but its really funny & about as un-pc as it gets...(cop show set in 1970's manchester)
there was a re-make for the US i think...pity b/c these guys are brilliant...




a little phone violence...


a tarts furry cup??? don't move you're surrounded by armed bastards!!
classic LOL


fake as a trannys fanny???! :smilielol5::smilielol5:

or what about....

DI Bolly Knickers, you appear to be drunk, in control of a handbag, and dressed like a tart again

Oh piss off you lardy fascist


i know i shouldn't...but DCI gene hunt the mouthy male chauvinist pig?? oh yeah i soooooo would ;)


edit...
the premise is that DI sam tyler has travelled back in time....so he often makes references to the future that no one else gets...'And may the force be with you'...'you should see my playstation scores' etc...or even forensics dept LOL...
 
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talking of un-pc my sister a nurse sent me this...

mad mary was speedin around the mental hospital as usual in her wheelchair.

mad joe stopped her & asked for her licence. 'shit' she said & sped off around another corner.

mad jim then stopped her & asked for insurance. 'fuck' she said & took off again at speed.

rounding a corner she met BIG BEN standin stark naked with a massive hard on. 'oh no' she said 'not the fuckin breathalyser again!!'
 
Three married men were having a friendly conversation one day about their sex lives. The men began bragging about "this and that" and ended up discussing their wives' screaming. Of course, being men, they decided to have a contest with one another to see who could make their wife scream more during sex.

The men went home and all had sex with their wives.

The next day they all gathered together and shared their results.

The first man said, "I had sex with my wife for 3 hours. She was screaming for at least 2 1/2 of those hours!"

The second man said, "That's nothing. I went down on my wife for 2 hours and she was still screaming for a half hour after I was done!"

The third man said, "That's nothing. I had sex with my wife for 10 minutes, came a couple of times and then wiped my dick on our new curtains. She's STILL screaming..."
 
A bag of popcorn, a candy bar and a soda can walk into a bar.

The bag of popcorn goes up the bartender and says, "Brandy, on the rocks, please." The bartender pours him his drink and sets it on the bar. The bartender says, "How do you plan on paying for this?" The bag of popcorn says, "Here, take this watch. It was my father's. It should be worth something." The bartender accepts his barter and continues serving the bag of popcorn for the rest of the night.

The candy bar goes up the bartender and says, "Gin Martini, please." The bartender pours him his drink and sets it on the bar. The bartender says, "How do you plan on paying for this?" The candy bar says, "Here, take this necklace. It was my mother's. It should be worth something." The bartender accepts his barter and continues serving the candy bar for the rest of the night.

The soda can goes up the bartender and says, "Vodka Tonic, please." This time, before he pours the drink, the bartender says, "How do you plan on paying for this?" The soda can says, "Just put it on my TAB."
 
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Michael Harold Lynch was ticketed for doing 54 mph in a 35 mph area that was also a construction zone. The fine was $206. Lynch decided to let his anger flow by placing $206 in a plastic bag, peeing in the bag and sending it in. Upon receiving Lynch's little care package, the courthouse staff gave it to a police officer and declined to accept the pungent payment to clear the ticket.

Turns out Lynch didn't break any laws – it's not necessarily illegal to mail bodily fluids. The pee-and-pennies were sent back to Lynch – COD, in fact – with a note that said they couldn't be taken because "the pile of coins emitted a strong, pungent odor of stale urine." Lynch responded by sending a check made out to another agency, which was returned, then he sent a check for the wrong amount. Now he's on the hook for $271 because his payment is late. We wonder what he has in store for number round 2...
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firming it up.............

One morning while making breakfast,

A man walked up to his wife,

Pinched her on the butt and said...


'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of

Your control top pantyhose.'


While this was on the edge of intolerable,
She kept silent .


The next morning,

The man woke his wife with

A pinch on each of her breasts

And said....

'You know, if you firmed these up,

We could get rid of your bra.'


This was

Beyond

A silent response...



So she rolled over

And

Grabbed him

By his

DANGLER


With a death grip firmly in place,

She said...

'You know,

If you

Firmed this up,

We could

Get rid of


The gardener,

The postman,

The pool man

And

Your brother !'
 
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.
 
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
 
bumper stickers....

It takes a bitch like me to love a bastard like him

Your village called they said that they are missing an idot.

Ass, gas or grass no one rides for free

Safe Sex Sucks So Screw Someone Special

If you're gonna ride my ass, could you atleast pull my hair!?

Let go of my ears, I know what im doin!

Who Lit The Fuse On YOUR Tampon??

Maybe you could driver better if that phone was up your ass

I'm PMSing so get the fuck out of my way

If you can read this your a nosey little bitch

I may be cold hearted and an unloving bitch, but I'm damn good at it

How am I driving? Call 1800-KISS-MY-ASS

I'm not an alcholic
Alcoholics go to meetings
I am a drunk

NO FAT CHICKS!

Dont laugh at my ride, your daughter may be in it!

Horn broke watch for finger

I'm not pshycotic, I cant read your mind.

Keep staring I might do a trick.

Chicks dig my ride.

I found Jesus... he was behind the coach the whole time.

I didn't sell my soal to satan...... but we did work out a rent to own deal.

Dyslexic satan worshipers think they're worshipping Santa.

I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

Everyone has the right to be stupid but you abuse the privilige.

I smile because I have no Idea whats going on.

Guys: just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

STOP FOLLOWING ME, I don't know where I'm going


(for some reason it was the very last one that made me giggle...i should have that on my own behind :))
 
more bumper sticker ones...cos i like 'em...

CAUTION: Your daughter might be on board

Hang up and drive!

Welcome to America ..... Now speak English

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people: 'Everybody, But Me.'

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

The proctologist called...they found your head.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself



i once got my front bumper thingy (correct term) stuck onto another cars...i don't drive anymore you'll be pleased to know...roads are a lot safer without me on them...thats for sure..........plus i got fed up of having to leave so many of those bloody pink post its eveywhere...sorry knocked your wing mirror off...sorry scratched your door etc etc...lousy driver...hazardous even...but very very polite :newangel:
 
baglady2713 said:
or maybe they're doing really naughty things to (at??) your pics hahaha
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Oh thats totally what I'm doing.
 
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