Jaymie's fitness journal :)

Thank you She-woman

I am alright today is Tuesday.
Rode the bike for about 25 miles on Saturday and 37 miles on Monday.

Today is Arm day at the gym so it will be the norm arm exercises as listed previously.

So far today I've had Total cereal w/a banana (wasn't quite ripe yet kinda hard lol )
w/skim milk and 3 egg whites

Its real wierd but without taking the pills, I don't really get that hungry, so consequently though maybe that was a good thing I think I was eating a bit much at night anyway. I have lost body fat I can tell because when I grab my stomach I can't really get hold of anything :)
 
Hey Woman,

Talk about ME working out a lot! 37 MILES on a bike?? wow. You are wonder woman. Thats a ton. how long does that take you?

I have nowhere to ride my bike around here. Sacramento is swarming with traffic and busy streets. There is so little of the country left. I hate the stationary bike at the club. I get too bored. Wonder what my excuse is for the tread then?! Seems like that would be more boring than the bike, but its not ;)

I'm so proud of you with the pills! That took some guts! Way to go!

take care!
Katie
 
hey thanks Sparrow! That made me feel real good 'bout myself! heheheh !

I am trying to get farther than the 37 miles. But I was afraid I wasn't going to make it home, yes I agree the stat. bike is a total drag. I totally dis. it. :cool:

So , the pill thing is kinda ata plateau right now. I suspect its gonna take another weekend to drop some more mg.'s right now though down from taking 40 mg. a day now to 15 mg. which explains my sick weekend for the most part....but now I can't take less than 15mg. or I am a total waste at work which is not a good thing right now . I am going to take it slow and not be too pushy with my body. Because it could backfire real bad. haha! I mean like in the sense of me being rude to somebody because I don't feel good and gettting my @$$ fired ! So we don't need any of THAT .


All is well today. Last night I had a bowl of sf ff ice cream vanilla flavored and thoroughly enjoyed it. I was quite scant on the protein yesterday although I did have an abundance of veggies and uncooked-type fresh things and whatnot. I did good yesterday w/ lots of self-control which I like to reflect upon as just an all around good day .

I did the stair stepper @ level 10 for 25 minutes! my new record on that thing.

Tread. for about 20 mins. walking uphill @ level 7 then 5 then 4 then3..etc.

and yesterday was back,chest,bi's,and tri's

today is a NON-exercise day and boy do I need it.
I feel like I am about to fall apart literally. But Its all good ;)
 
Help

Hey Jaymie

just reading through your fitness jpurnal. We have so much in common, feel like im cracking up. Im bullimic, its starting to drive me mad. We share the same birthday ;o)
 
Hi pink-sparkles I like that name btw ;)

I hope that I can offer you some help, I still struggle sometimes but the point is that I DO TRY every day to be happy and I know what that takes. It takes putting negative thoughts away until it becomes a habit to think positively.

If you are around negative people, depressed individuals, suicidal influences, people who have no desire to better themselves, etc.. you will end up like them too. Why? Because you will hear it so damn much that your brain will start to create these direct pathways from every day thoughts..directly to guilt,pain,shame,and sadness.

If you can take it slow and learn to be patient, your mind will heal and your body will work with you and not against you. The only thing it takes is a goal to be happy :)

Don't make it harder than it really is, you can do it, don't let other people discourage you. Ever heard the phrase misery loves company?

Keep it simple and start with little things. Don't make huge drastic goals that are set for the following DAY..or worse.. by that same night! Which I used to do all the time.

This is not about eating..not about calories...not about how full your stomach is or isn't....it is about your emotions.

You need help sorting out what causes you to do the things you do with/without food.

Food is your fuel. It is not a punishment nor a sacrifice. It is just a material that our body needs periodically throughout our day to remain healthy, happy, and to LIVE.

If we deny ourselves the basis of our body's needs, we cannot progress onto the rest of what life entails i.e. love, happiness, hobbies, fun, kids, family, enjoyment, peace of mind. These are just a few things.

We will do it together if you ever need anything just ask message me, I will give you my email and we can talk all day while i'm here at work !

I will help you. Just ask and I will be there. ;)
 
Today is Thursday yay! Almost Friday !

er so .. yeah.. today is leg day @ the GYM . I will be trying to up some of the weights since its all getting pretty easy. My strength has def. increased since I have greatly slowed down on the pills. I feel half ass normal again. Got some medicine for the stomach prob's and everything is running smoothly but no TOO smoothly lol.

So yeah..Yesterday I had alot of protein it said about 50% or something on fitday. Went out to eat with my dad again @ my fav. place Golden Corral and had :

1 rotisserie chicken breast quarter
brussel sprouts
grean beans
cooked carrots
zucchini
half a slice of liver and onions
unsweet tea

DIDN'T HAVE ANY BREAD, POTATOES, DESSERT, PASTA, OR ANYTHING SWEET!!!! SO PROUD!! SELF CONTROL !! YEAH !!

So there ya go...my little happy moment :)

So today is going to be good too I can FEEL it.

So far its been

bowl of TOTAL flakes and ex. small banana in it
w/ skim milk
.8 oz. of mozz cheese
2 oz of chicken breast
(I am outta cott. cheese which I norm. have with my cereal for protein)

so wierd combo. but oh well.
will update this later on...bye for now ;)
 
Thanks

Hey there, Jaymie,

Thank u so much, some of the things you said already got my spirits up. You have some wise words. I was always such a chilled out person, never worried about mu weight, now i could safely say i seem to be obssessed with it. I cant believe i make myself sick sometimes and if im not doing that im cutting calories drastically! I seem like a different person to who i was. I know this sounds silly but i just keep thinking, god i gotta be skinny the next time HE sees me.I was with my man 10 years, im only 25 now but it seems after we broke up i started to do this. im abit confused. I dont have much access to a pc over the next couple of days but ill be in touch soon. Keep strong, you are amazing with what you have achieved, you should be proud of yourself. talk soon
 
pink-sparkles said:
Hey there, Jaymie,

Thank u so much, some of the things you said already got my spirits up. You have some wise words. I was always such a chilled out person, never worried about mu weight, now i could safely say i seem to be obssessed with it. I cant believe i make myself sick sometimes and if im not doing that im cutting calories drastically! I seem like a different person to who i was. I know this sounds silly but i just keep thinking, god i gotta be skinny the next time HE sees me.I was with my man 10 years, im only 25 now but it seems after we broke up i started to do this. im abit confused. I dont have much access to a pc over the next couple of days but ill be in touch soon. Keep strong, you are amazing with what you have achieved, you should be proud of yourself. talk soon
Click to expand...

Please keep in touch with me!! I am always here during the week!

Well your summary of your 'reason' for the start of your ED is actually one of the most frequent triggers of alot of different ED's. The media has skewed the image of beauty so much that now it is this unattainable perfection that is usually created by A) drugs , or B) computer touch-ups

Its no wonder it is a rising addiction for this so-called "perfection", and now its like we are all wondering around like we have lost our common sense asking all these questions on how to lose weight 'FAST' and get down to double digits and all this CRAP that is totally unecessary and greatly diminishing our values of LIFE and our quest for peace of mind.

The world is moving so fast now, faster than it was before, and we all must keep up with this rising need for the acceptance of someone... ANYONE !! Just NOTICE me. Ya know? Whether it be a good or bad reason , someone just please make me feel alive. Or rather.....save me ...while I make my own self feel DEAD...:(

It just doesn't work that way Sparkles,

If we can learn to accept ourselves for who we are , and learn to make REALISTIC goals for ourselves WITHOUT the input of others!! and without comparing ourselves to these idiots on the television who are probably on crack anyway!!...then that is the best gift we can give ourselves. Why?

Because it is the FOUNDATION of our EXISTENCE. I won't get all religious, but if we have God in our lives, and reach out when we feel we cannot find the answers, We can learn to have real trust and faith...not only in God ..but in ourselves...and with this foundation of faith.....ANYTHING is possible....ESPECIALLY YOUR HAPINESS :)

The days will start to seem brighter..the colors more alive!! Your body will regain its strength, and you will feel an energy come back into your life that you would not believe.

You'll feel a fullfillment from everyday things...just the little things you once thought were getting in the way of your 'goals' with your ED. The ED.Its like a brainwashing B$#^@ who hates herself so much, she wants to take as many other women and girls down with her as she can, because she is NOT gonna die alone.

The issues behind the ED are what triggers it , not the influence of others so much. The acceptance you are striving for sweety it is SUPERFICIAL !!
If a man must look at you ten years from one time or another..and see that you look drastically different..does that change who you are? Or who HE is?? Maybe it just wasn't meant to be...

If looks are going to catch your 'one true love' then you might as well get dressed up one night and go to a low class bar and take the first guy that hoots and hollers at you and marry him!!

It would be the same thing! The ISSUES would remain....and the man would not love you any more or less for the way you look if he is the right one for you, you will know so. You will enjoy doing the same things and you will love him, believe me, you DO NOT want to go into a relationship where LUST is the central emotion....

My ED started to develop 2 years ago when I started using drugs....got ignorant enough that night to put myself in a dangerous situation...and got raped by a huge man who just got out of prison and was supposedly punishing me for not succombing that night and surrendering myself to the ARYAN NATION....such Bull#%^@ ....... he had been up for 14 days straight he said....and had taken the male supplement Viagra prior to my entering the room-alone-..and he was certain I was going to 'give it up' so when I said 'no' that was not what he was looking for.....I became a sort of disgusting monster that night....was called all the most vulgar and horrid things into my eyes and then forced to walk 3 miles to the city after calling numerous friends...reached one on his cell phone...and he didn't believe me...and wouldn't come pick me up....then shortly after that night ..my kids' father found out...and I had the entire city I grew up in knowing what happened from a totally skewed point of view...I was this IMAGE..this THING...this person I hated....I wanted to waste away and disappear...I wanted to look as sick and dying on the outside as I felt on the inside....I wanted to just give up and give in...no one was ever gonna love me.

But then...I found that I had sunken deeper than I ever had before into a pit of total madness....I was detached from the world....my family frightened and insanely worried...my kids taken from me by the State to temporary custody...

I felt the will to change....and felt weak at knowing where to begin....someone took me aside one night and I listened to what they had to say for once...they told me to seek answers from God, and things will begin to heal, to know God and have faith in Him that things will turn out as long as I stay in the light of Faith.

...and I did...
 
HOLY CRAP Jaymie,

I had no idea you had ever been up against such awful things. You sure have been through the ringer girl and I am SO PROUD of you for regaining your life back, especially through relying on God and His strength. I know there are many with different religious points of view but I for one know that I am absolutely nothing, and can do nothing without my relationship with Jesus. I have faces some horrid things in my own life and my faith is all I had, its all I needed. Its so simple yet so profound.
You are awesome. Thank you for being so transparant with your circumstances. I know that your experiences will help many as you are a willing continued support and encouragement. That already seems to be happening on this board!

Good job, we are all behind you :)
Katie
 
Wow Jamie-

Thanks for visiting my journal and the kind words of support!

I read a bit from your journal (well, the first and last pages!) and I am amazed at how much we have in common. The obvious-similar weight and height, but also the paths our lives have taken us. When my kids were 6 and 7 I was diagnosed with anorexia as well. Do you still struggle with it? Sorry if you already answered that somewhere else in your journal. If there is anything I can do, let me know!

Sandy
 
OH BOY!! Its Friday!! :)

Finally, this week has been such a drag...

So yesterday I was rather way off track but oh well. Skipped cardio yesterday I was just too dang tired..don't really know why, I am usually all about cardio but yesterday just wasn't feelin it.

So I went home to relax and made some split pea soup and ate a huge bowl of it it was soooo goood :)

Then I went to my Nanny's house to hang with Nanny and Papa for a bit, and she made homemade oatmeal raisin walnut COOKIES !!!! I decided to try one...and omg, they were SO friggin GOOD,,,, I ate 9 of them.. they were small and made with splenda b/c my Papa is diabetic.

Then she pulls out a squash casserole!! CASSEROLES are another weakness of mine!! I asked her if there was any flower in it and she said no, but there was crushed up crackers...eh..not too bad so I tried it and OMG it was amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So she sent some home with me , I ate half of this huge brick of it when I got home and brought the rest for lunch today.

I plan on riding my bike after work if its not raining. So according to FitDay...I'm not so sure how accurate it is on this bear with me...but I'm sure its alot of cals I burn...anyway,,,according to FitDay, when I ride my bike on my 37 mile route (takes 2.75 hours)..its says I burn like 1,020 calories . Like wow..I don't know about all THAT but thats my justification for eating the cookies and the uh....ice cream last night....hey it went really good with the cookies dangit!

So it felt really good to be able to just eat my Nanny's cooking without making excuses and they just sat there in amazement while I was eating with these HUGE smiles on their faces and just glancing at one another . Then they told me how much they LOVE me!!!!! *snifffle* I cried a little bit. it was happy. One of those things I'll remember forever. They told me I was 'beautiful' ! And So glad I am back to the 'Jaymie they know' !

So wow, that was just great. I felt so great about myself! My Nanny and Papa raised me. My mom and Dad were divorced when I was 6 mos. old and then my Dad remarried to a woman who was so absolutely jealous of me that my Dad was not 'allowed' to see me. He would come to my Mom's house who's was next door to my Nanny and Papa and see me for moments during the week but we were always rushed with our time together....and if we went out to eat like he would make sure and throw all the trash from the food away in an effort to destroy any 'evidence' of us being together.....wierd huh?

Then my mom became a severe alcoholic and never spent any time with me at all so I ended up on drugs and pregnant at age 14. Then she let my boyfriend move in at the house he was 22 and I was 14. When things went sour I tried to kick him out, she threw a fit ??? I didn't understand .... come to find out, I had a cop out where I live who was my buddy from the alternative school I had to go to since I was kicked out of public school for making terroristic threats.....yeah .... long story there.....and he knew that I was hooked on crack then...so he came to my house to tell me not to go to a certain crackhouse that day because they were going to bust it...and they did too! and I didn't go that day...but when he came to tell me this..he also said that there were people 'talking' and he heard that this boy and my mother were getting 'involved' with each other..when I confronted my Mom, she got quiet ... started crying and apologizing...and that was that.

I'd always run to my Nanny and Papa crying b/c my Mom had hurt my feelings or wouldn't let me leave the house...or had no food and I was hungry...my Nanny' and Papa raised me. So it means alot to me that they think I have returned to my senses. B/c sometimes you don't realize that you have lost yourself until someone else points it out to you.
 
Well, so its 11:12 am and I have like nothing to do here at work...usually I'm swamped but I am sooo bored right now.

Just had the rest of the casserole from last night. So now I am just way too bored. I'm starting to get kinda depressed ! So this post is really an honest effort to keep myself from an idle mind.

Today after work, I am going to ride my bike for 2.5 hours or so.
I don't know what to do during lunch today, I was gonna go to the gym and do something there like swim or something. I guess that's better than sitting here going crazy! Although I might not be so up for biking later if I go swimming. I don't know.

I really wish I could just get out of here I have NOTHING to do today!! I'm serious nothing.....I am just sitting here getting bored with the internet and pushing the 'refresh' button every 2 minutes to see if there's any new interesting posts in the forum and I think I have done about 500 random Google searches so far ! LOL

hmmm...yeah and smoked 3 cigarettes because I am just so bored. I think I'm gonna get the NicoDerm patch b/c I really want and need to quit. I had told myself that I would quit cigs along with the pills but I found that very hard to do.

do-dee-do-dum-do-dee-dum........so so bored.....

 
JaymieB said:
Well, so its 11:12 am and I have like nothing to do here at work...usually I'm swamped but I am sooo bored right now.

Just had the rest of the casserole from last night. So now I am just way too bored. I'm starting to get kinda depressed ! So this post is really an honest effort to keep myself from an idle mind.

Today after work, I am going to ride my bike for 2.5 hours or so.
I don't know what to do during lunch today, I was gonna go to the gym and do something there like swim or something. I guess that's better than sitting here going crazy! Although I might not be so up for biking later if I go swimming. I don't know.

I really wish I could just get out of here I have NOTHING to do today!! I'm serious nothing.....I am just sitting here getting bored with the internet and pushing the 'refresh' button every 2 minutes to see if there's any new interesting posts in the forum and I think I have done about 500 random Google searches so far ! LOL

hmmm...yeah and smoked 3 cigarettes because I am just so bored. I think I'm gonna get the NicoDerm patch b/c I really want and need to quit. I had told myself that I would quit cigs along with the pills but I found that very hard to do.

do-dee-do-dum-do-dee-dum........so so bored.....
Click to expand...

i feel your pain today...lol! i also work in an office and am sitting here twiddling my thumbs, nothing much left to do, but sit and wait....ugh! don't feel bad, i've been wishing the same as you all day...hehe!!:D
 
Jaymie woman...I did the patches and it worked for me. I quit for 2 months and then started hanging out with the wrong people (I realize that now) and started smoking again. I always told myself that I couldn't live w/o them, but that was a lie. I can go days and days w/o having one, but as soon as I get around somebody who smokes, I'm bumming one or two. Greene has only allowed me 2/day, so it's not that bad. Pretty soon I'll be back to none again one day. Everytime Greene and I would have a tiff, I ran out to buy a pack. If I was upset at him, I would hurt myself to get back at him. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's the only was to explain it.

Greene is not the father of my daughter, but he does alot with her. He doesn't want to adopt her if we get married because he's already paying support for his son. I can understand that, so I never forced him into adopting her. Her real dad lives in Ft. Wayne and is in and out of jail and is currently in a half-way house. He was a dealer (pot) and has quit that, but still smokes. I dropped the child support on him since he never paid it and it wasn't worth him driving 4 hrs for court. He sees her when I'm in town visiting my parents. I've never denied him seeing her, but she really doesn't ask about him and only talks maybe 5 minutes on the phone when he calls.

As for my exercising, yes it true that Greene needs to get on my a@@, but I understand why he does it. I need major motivation and I need to get back into the swing of things. Today was the first day I worked out since 5/22. I read everybodys posts and I tell myself I can do this, but it will take time. It won't happen overnight, but I wish it would :). I've actually started to feel muscles(go me go me :) :)) in my arms, but I still jiggle. I know that will go away the more I exercise.
 
I hope your day got better, I hate boring days, when there is nothing to do but be stuck there with my own thoughts!

Did you get out for your bike ride? Where do you go? I love Texas, the weather is so warm! Are there a lot of trails near where you live?

Sandy
 
Oh my gosh look at that, I feel SO special you made my day!! I'm talkin' bout how you guys put these cute and sweet replies in my diary how sweet is that??!!?:D

Well, yes did ride my bike Friday night I did the usual 37 miles. Then Saturday did alot of cleaning and calisthenics for about 20 minutes and jumped rope until...well..until I couldn't anymore b/c I kept uh..peeing all over myself..damn bladder muscles they just ain't what they used to be.lol, so then YESTERDAY was the doozy..I decided to ride..well the bike tire was flat so Robert had to go to the store and get a new tube cuz it had a hole in it AND he got me one of those nifty little mile tracker deals that tells you how fast you're going!!:)
So I had to leave @ 2:30 and it was hot lemme tell you what! I started off thinking oh its not that hot! Then I went to my usual turning around point and thought..nah! I can go FARTHER this time! So I went farther and started going down this HUGE hill.....So I decided to turn around...well unbeknownst (sp?) to me....the WIND was blowing at my back the whole time and NOW it was blowing against me !! Sabotaging my every pedal!!!!

So going up this HUGE hill , with the wind against me , the sun beating down on me @ 100 degrees no kidding, and me with no water left in my bottle and gas station about 2 miles away..up the hill....and my legs are tired...

but I kept praying to God to let me make it without calling someone!! I don't wanna give up I kept telling myself you can do it !!! GO GO GO!!!!!

and I got up that big stupid hill..and all the way back home for a total of 41 miles this time!! and my average mph was 15.

my legs aren't sore today though surprisingly.

but I did go to bed extra early @ about 9:30pm ! and I felt great this morning...oh and Chris if you read this!!

I did fasted cardio Saturday morning for the FIRST TIME! I ran about 2 miles and then got poooped...:p
 
Wow , 41 miles? That's great! Sorry to hear about your return trip though, but just think of what a great workout that was!! The wind can definately be a very bad (or good, depending on how you look at it) workout partner!

And no sore legs? Do you take anything to help with muscle recoverey?

Well, congratulations again on your 4 mile improvement, on conquering that huge hill and on not giving up when us weaker mortals certainly may have been tempted to do so!

Hope today goes well for you,
Sandy
 
41 miles?? that's friggin great! i think i'd be laying on the side of the road if that was me....lol! i've been trying to ride here and there so i can get better at it and ride longer, but it's hard. looks like you're doing an awesome job there girlie!!:D
 
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