Jaymie's fitness journal :)
- Thread starter JaymieB
- Start date
Its been a while , well I am okay, but things have gone downhill to a point where anything at all has been positive that didn't include the two things I had there destroying me....I fell weak, I gave in, I now regret, but yet...I feel more weakened...and fear giving in and regret would also grow again....just like every time I let evil in without regarding its disguises...I feel like a fool. I think I was, but I choose not to be any more. I can't keep making myself justified in my blatant wrongful actions...I hadn't felt this hurt ever before..I was in love and its not a joke, its not anyone else's right to tell me I shouldn't have loved completely...it was not even my right to not completely love. I was always a work in progress....and ignorantly knowing it doesn't ever become a 'finished work' ...I am not an inanimate object, I am following the guidance I prayed for and pray for from God, I know that these things are meant to make me learn, when I get weak and I make a mistake..I learn and I push away the element of evil , but its just too bad that elements of evil are all quick gratifications....and all too bad that they are my addictions and my defenses against such a hurt and pain I feared to be forsaken and forgotten, abandoned and having my spirit twisted and contorted into some image the man makes out of all his own fears about love....I was the object of all hope to him, then , I say that we let that evil into our lives, I did not have those thoughts or deceitful things in my mind that he was convinced I was a completely different woman, I had forsaken myself, then others, why then do I feel as if I am undeserving of the broken heart .
I do not think it was the reason we broke apart, he had those secrets, those deceitful thoughts, I found them in the closet while cleaning on Sunday, he said they weren't his.....but I grabbed his arms and he hesitated, I then saw the evidence there, his poor flesh, the man I loved so dearly....so so much....there he has done this to himself and now he has neglected our love, I felt it heavy on my heart it happened within a week that I noticed he was bored of me. I hurt inside and was confused,,,I read my journal last night,,,,how did I not listen to myself...I KNEW the whole time, why did I deny it...it was so obvious, but my weakness was not to trust..I wanted so badly to trust.....so I gave it a chance...I took that chance and prayed for the best...maybe this is what God meant by the best....I feel broken , he does not call me anymore. He said I was a liar and theif...I was shocked by the irony...it became clear later in the yelling match with each other, that he thought I took his drug....he thought I stole it and resented me for finding his secret spoon and needle....I have sobbed my ****ing eyes out for 5 days straight, not to mention the sadness of the debilitating connection between us the few weeks prior, all of it hit me and although the words cannot convey the void the feeling of despair that feeling of total hopelessness, these words are all it was : Things are not always as they seem
I found the evidence I saw it in his eyes, but I chose to turn away and cry alone, then to wake up to another day and pray he would not fall forever, but why climb mountains and bruise your body with turbulent emotions of pain - love - pain - love--why do this when falling requires much less effort, and the only pain you feel is the only at the very end, the ultimate smash to the ground and then you die, so why then in his mind, would he take my hand and climb the sharp rocks on the mountain of life...we could have made it.....but it can't happen now
Now to get past it , hard to do , living alone, 2 kids there but mentally I feel detached from all I had just become awakened to, the beauty of the world was 3 times more colorful and I felt so alive, it was an endlessly huge feeling of love-I identified this as true love, I had never felt it never...I had to give it my all, and he said the same, we promised to never hurt each other..I know that promises are not guarantees, promises are mostly pacifying statements, I know people I can rely on their every word, then there is this world of all these others, I wanted to seclude myself from all of the possiblities of my dissection in the eyes of shallow hypocrites and manipulaters who spend SO much time to make you feel they respect you, then they unload on you to justify their attempt to kill their inner hate, that subconcious alter-ego that the drug puts in a cryogenic freeze for the span of time it flows through your body, it is insidious, I must back away , and back down, I must forget that love, lest it kill me every day until the day I kill my self. I cannot do it. I must be the mommy i must live alone, I have accepted that I have no one to talk to about any of this. only the paper and pen at my desk with the desk lamp over my lonely hands....we had it, and it was in my grasp , now it was taken away from me, because I chose to defy the demon that tried to beckon me that it would be okay, it wasn't really a bad thing, I am a good person and just because if I did a drug it wouldn't make me bad it was supposed to make me happy .... that's what he said....he wanted to make me happy, his intention was not me...he lied...it was his denial and selfish is what he had been hiding...he did this to the mother of his daughter...the daughter he has distnaced from now as well,,,ever since the comfort of the toxic chemicals raced through his veins, he died inside and awakened his beast, his 3 years of sobriety he threw in my face , he was in prison, so duh. like it was in front of your face and you didn't do it for 3 years...I had 2 years ....I HAD 2 years....now I begin again....I gave that a chance too....but I still constantly prayed that I didn't want things to be this way, I wanted us to both realize how horrible we felt the next day or so and that we would commit to never doing it again...and we did that and said it and promised and had hope!
Then I moved some clothes and toys for my kids over to his trailer house and I thought it to be a fine feeling of optimism, but also I felt impending detachment from him, he took what I had inside me , left me cold and lifeless and haven't smiled nor laughed in the past week , I am now to go piece myself back together again...after I had just become someone sufficiently whole..now back to pieces...again....
The same songs I listened to before they applied here too....it all applies somehow....either sad, or hopeless, or anger, or despair, nothing holds beauty at this moment for me, I seek my sight and thoughts of joy again...I must carry on....
I do not think it was the reason we broke apart, he had those secrets, those deceitful thoughts, I found them in the closet while cleaning on Sunday, he said they weren't his.....but I grabbed his arms and he hesitated, I then saw the evidence there, his poor flesh, the man I loved so dearly....so so much....there he has done this to himself and now he has neglected our love, I felt it heavy on my heart it happened within a week that I noticed he was bored of me. I hurt inside and was confused,,,I read my journal last night,,,,how did I not listen to myself...I KNEW the whole time, why did I deny it...it was so obvious, but my weakness was not to trust..I wanted so badly to trust.....so I gave it a chance...I took that chance and prayed for the best...maybe this is what God meant by the best....I feel broken , he does not call me anymore. He said I was a liar and theif...I was shocked by the irony...it became clear later in the yelling match with each other, that he thought I took his drug....he thought I stole it and resented me for finding his secret spoon and needle....I have sobbed my ****ing eyes out for 5 days straight, not to mention the sadness of the debilitating connection between us the few weeks prior, all of it hit me and although the words cannot convey the void the feeling of despair that feeling of total hopelessness, these words are all it was : Things are not always as they seem
I found the evidence I saw it in his eyes, but I chose to turn away and cry alone, then to wake up to another day and pray he would not fall forever, but why climb mountains and bruise your body with turbulent emotions of pain - love - pain - love--why do this when falling requires much less effort, and the only pain you feel is the only at the very end, the ultimate smash to the ground and then you die, so why then in his mind, would he take my hand and climb the sharp rocks on the mountain of life...we could have made it.....but it can't happen now
Now to get past it , hard to do , living alone, 2 kids there but mentally I feel detached from all I had just become awakened to, the beauty of the world was 3 times more colorful and I felt so alive, it was an endlessly huge feeling of love-I identified this as true love, I had never felt it never...I had to give it my all, and he said the same, we promised to never hurt each other..I know that promises are not guarantees, promises are mostly pacifying statements, I know people I can rely on their every word, then there is this world of all these others, I wanted to seclude myself from all of the possiblities of my dissection in the eyes of shallow hypocrites and manipulaters who spend SO much time to make you feel they respect you, then they unload on you to justify their attempt to kill their inner hate, that subconcious alter-ego that the drug puts in a cryogenic freeze for the span of time it flows through your body, it is insidious, I must back away , and back down, I must forget that love, lest it kill me every day until the day I kill my self. I cannot do it. I must be the mommy i must live alone, I have accepted that I have no one to talk to about any of this. only the paper and pen at my desk with the desk lamp over my lonely hands....we had it, and it was in my grasp , now it was taken away from me, because I chose to defy the demon that tried to beckon me that it would be okay, it wasn't really a bad thing, I am a good person and just because if I did a drug it wouldn't make me bad it was supposed to make me happy .... that's what he said....he wanted to make me happy, his intention was not me...he lied...it was his denial and selfish is what he had been hiding...he did this to the mother of his daughter...the daughter he has distnaced from now as well,,,ever since the comfort of the toxic chemicals raced through his veins, he died inside and awakened his beast, his 3 years of sobriety he threw in my face , he was in prison, so duh. like it was in front of your face and you didn't do it for 3 years...I had 2 years ....I HAD 2 years....now I begin again....I gave that a chance too....but I still constantly prayed that I didn't want things to be this way, I wanted us to both realize how horrible we felt the next day or so and that we would commit to never doing it again...and we did that and said it and promised and had hope!
Then I moved some clothes and toys for my kids over to his trailer house and I thought it to be a fine feeling of optimism, but also I felt impending detachment from him, he took what I had inside me , left me cold and lifeless and haven't smiled nor laughed in the past week , I am now to go piece myself back together again...after I had just become someone sufficiently whole..now back to pieces...again....
The same songs I listened to before they applied here too....it all applies somehow....either sad, or hopeless, or anger, or despair, nothing holds beauty at this moment for me, I seek my sight and thoughts of joy again...I must carry on....
As for the drug thing, I have another story for you. I believe I told you earlier that Ash dad was a drug dealer, so I always wondered how I could handle Ash getting hurt when I was the only one home at the time. Well it happened, one day I was coming home and walking in the front door, when the screen door and Ash's nose met at the same time. It was bleeding and I didn't know what to do. I went over to the neighbor's house and she helped me slow down/stop the bleeding. I was about to get in the car and go to the RediMed when her dad comes home and asked what happened. I told him and he said go to the hospital. He said to me that he had a run to make then he'll meet me there. I couldn't believe it. His drugs were more important than his daughter. I took her to the RediMed and they sent me to the hospital because they couldn't do anything. He came in right as I was leaving to go to the hospital and he followed me. She ended up getting 10 stitches that night.
I have never forgotten that, nor will I ever forget it. I don't bring it up to him when I talk to him, but it just proves that the drugs and money have a powerful hold on you.
I have never forgotten that, nor will I ever forget it. I don't bring it up to him when I talk to him, but it just proves that the drugs and money have a powerful hold on you.
I'm a married male. I am in my 70s in pretty good shape and still reasonably active. My weight is 145 lbs and been at that for many years. I eat like a horse three full meals a day and a snack at bed time. I eat good wholesome foods, no junk stuff. I hit the sack at 2300 and rise at 0700 with no interuptons. I went through the body building thing at age 35 so I am familiar with all. I would prefer not to deal with anything more that 10 to 20 lbs or nothing OR unless one finds it absolutely necessary to do so. My question is: Can someone kindly tell me how I can pack on some weight. I have a 33 waist more than ample. Arms, legs, thighs, shoulders, hips, face needs some packing. Help...Russ
well I have no idea what that last reply was about but I figure its on the wrong part of the forum.
I have been through alot lately. lost and got down to 104 and got back almost up to 140 but I beleive I'm at 135 now. I may have lost some weight since I weighed last don't really know.
I learned alot of things to be Thankful for in the past 3 months.
Thank God I have my family and my kids.
I am not engaged anymore, me and him broke up but see each other as friends now. Its alot better that way I don't get my feelings hurt and don't feel tempted to live his lifestyle or feel obligated to live his lifestyle.
I'm at my Grandma's house right now and I lost my job about 2 months ago and fell into a depression when I started doing drugs pretty heavily. Let it almost kill me this time and then had a horrible break down and admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital by telling them I was suicidal and they put me in with a cross between a nursing home and an insane asylum where sleep was not possible with these people. They kept poking me with needles and treating me like I made no sense at all.
I finally got out of there to find out my life was not any better and got back on drugs when I got a call from the state , telling me to bring the kids I was doing a drug test again....failed it .....my kids went to foster care for 3 days the caseworker hated me personally and tried to destroy my life forever with all kinds of crazy crap and I got a lawyer who got that caseworker to drop her case entirely and return the kids immediately. So now is my second chance with God.
This is m y last chance to do right and I know that.
Thank God I am where I am today.
I have been through alot lately. lost and got down to 104 and got back almost up to 140 but I beleive I'm at 135 now. I may have lost some weight since I weighed last don't really know.
I learned alot of things to be Thankful for in the past 3 months.
Thank God I have my family and my kids.
I am not engaged anymore, me and him broke up but see each other as friends now. Its alot better that way I don't get my feelings hurt and don't feel tempted to live his lifestyle or feel obligated to live his lifestyle.
I'm at my Grandma's house right now and I lost my job about 2 months ago and fell into a depression when I started doing drugs pretty heavily. Let it almost kill me this time and then had a horrible break down and admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital by telling them I was suicidal and they put me in with a cross between a nursing home and an insane asylum where sleep was not possible with these people. They kept poking me with needles and treating me like I made no sense at all.
I finally got out of there to find out my life was not any better and got back on drugs when I got a call from the state , telling me to bring the kids I was doing a drug test again....failed it .....my kids went to foster care for 3 days the caseworker hated me personally and tried to destroy my life forever with all kinds of crazy crap and I got a lawyer who got that caseworker to drop her case entirely and return the kids immediately. So now is my second chance with God.
This is m y last chance to do right and I know that.
Thank God I am where I am today.
S
sparrow
Guest
Jamie! I am so happy to hear from you. I have wondered how you've been many times in the past few months. I am so glad you are on the up and up. I'm sorry for all you've been going through. Often our most god-awful struggles can ultimatly be the biggest blessings in disguise. I look forward to that for you! Happy Thanksgiving!
oh honey
i have been thinking about u alot lately,glad u posted
u have been through alot ,but u are now facing the fact ..try to accept changes in your life in a positive way.
i recommend u to read"who moved my cheese?"..it helped me alot in dealing my own demons.
be strong girl.
u are sucha cute lovely lady...dont waste your life
we are only given only one life,live it to its fullest.
and congrat on taking charge of your life
Tc
i have been thinking about u alot lately,glad u posted
u have been through alot ,but u are now facing the fact ..try to accept changes in your life in a positive way.
i recommend u to read"who moved my cheese?"..it helped me alot in dealing my own demons.
be strong girl.
u are sucha cute lovely lady...dont waste your life
we are only given only one life,live it to its fullest.
and congrat on taking charge of your life
Tc
I'm glad you posted Jaymie You've made it through so much this far which shows how strong of a person you are. I'm happy to hear that you are taking charge of your life and are trying to fix your problems. Remember that if God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it. Hold on Jaymie, your kids need you to be strong.
You've made it through so much this far which shows how strong of a person you are. I'm happy to hear that you are taking charge of your life and are trying to fix your problems. Remember that if God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it. Hold on Jaymie, your kids need you to be strong.how are things at this point?
Hey everybody! Wow I feel so loved !!
well things are still getting better at this point. Me and Robert started
our own business and things are working out really good now. All the
kids are in the house asleep and that is a very comforting feeling.
I'm about to do my calisthenics on the floor and squats now that
everyone is asleep.
I had a very good thanksgiving thank you Sparrow I missed you too girl
and slimsadie! How are you and your son doing? thanks all you guys!!
You don't know how you have simply made my day by thinking of me and posting what you said it means alot to me . Yall have warmed my heart.
I have stayed clean and gotten back into a workout routine and eating
healthy and I am not certain what I weigh right now but I know I've lost and toned up ALOT. Robert says I feel alot smaller when he puts his arms around me .
I've been cycling about every day since the weather in Texas has been unusually nice and warm. Its crazy its almost Christmas and I'm still running around in shorts and tank tops.
I just can't say how good I feel now that I have read your replies
Thank you and Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night
*blows kisses*
well things are still getting better at this point. Me and Robert started
our own business and things are working out really good now. All the
kids are in the house asleep and that is a very comforting feeling.
I'm about to do my calisthenics on the floor and squats now that
everyone is asleep.
I had a very good thanksgiving thank you Sparrow I missed you too girl
and slimsadie! How are you and your son doing? thanks all you guys!!
You don't know how you have simply made my day by thinking of me and posting what you said it means alot to me . Yall have warmed my heart.
I have stayed clean and gotten back into a workout routine and eating
healthy and I am not certain what I weigh right now but I know I've lost and toned up ALOT. Robert says I feel alot smaller when he puts his arms around me .
I've been cycling about every day since the weather in Texas has been unusually nice and warm. Its crazy its almost Christmas and I'm still running around in shorts and tank tops.
I just can't say how good I feel now that I have read your replies
Thank you and Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night
*blows kisses*
Jaymie, I am so happy to see your cheerful post here today. I read the beginnings of your thread and then the endings of it (too much in the middle for one day! LOL) with great interest.
You're a winner, Girl. Your strength, intelligence and sense of humor are what is going to get you through this life. Stay strong for your young ones. They need you so much.
Hugs from a new friend in Calgary.
(PS -- we are NOT running around in shorts and tank tops up here!)
You're a winner, Girl. Your strength, intelligence and sense of humor are what is going to get you through this life. Stay strong for your young ones. They need you so much.
Hugs from a new friend in Calgary.
(PS -- we are NOT running around in shorts and tank tops up here!)
S
sparrow
Guest
I agree, keep coming to talk to us! I'm so happy that you are back into your fitness routine and healthy eating. I know it makes a BIG difference in my own mood and outlook on life when I know I'm being as healthy and well-rounded as I can. I wish you the happiest Christmas Jaymie! Keep smiling and putting one foot in front of the other I believe in you!
I believe in you!thanks Prairiedawn, Sadie and Katie
Its getting colder as I type here I think its about 50 degrees now or
something. Kids are home all day today I been taking care of one who
is sick. Hope you feel better Katie don't try to be all tough-momma just
friggin relax for a day you fount of energy you !! lol
I quit smoking now 4 weeks ago yay for me ! My new anti-depressants
make smoking completely undesirable, also drinking undesirable as well.
So I'm getting a scale next week hopefully to track any weight loss
progress.
I lost my gym membership when I lost my job....and went in debt with
the bank $500.00 ....
yeah, I got real dumb and wrote a bunch of hot checks....so I been
waiting for the income tax money to get myself out of that pile of crap.
SO...I am doing home exercises and riding my bike for exercise. My family won't babysit for me anymore because they think its giving me an
opportunity to go out and get on drugs again..but little do they know..
its making me a bit CRAZY.
Anyone know some good home exercises ?
Its getting colder as I type here I think its about 50 degrees now or
something. Kids are home all day today I been taking care of one who
is sick. Hope you feel better Katie don't try to be all tough-momma just
friggin relax for a day you fount of energy you !! lol
I quit smoking now 4 weeks ago yay for me ! My new anti-depressants
make smoking completely undesirable, also drinking undesirable as well.
So I'm getting a scale next week hopefully to track any weight loss
progress.
I lost my gym membership when I lost my job....and went in debt with
the bank $500.00 ....
yeah, I got real dumb and wrote a bunch of hot checks....so I been
waiting for the income tax money to get myself out of that pile of crap.
SO...I am doing home exercises and riding my bike for exercise. My family won't babysit for me anymore because they think its giving me an
opportunity to go out and get on drugs again..but little do they know..
its making me a bit CRAZY.
Anyone know some good home exercises ?