Floater's diary

Floater said:
I would get it if everyone had to go through it, but it's only mandatory for autistic trans people in my municipality, not for those living elsewhere.
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Sounds like a valid reason to be frustrated. Most people don't enjoy telling strangers about their sexual habits and when your body feels uncomfortable to begin with I would imagine it's even more unpleasant. On the positive side you're eloquent and self-aware so your chances of making a good impression are higher than for the average Joe.

Well done on the water workout!
 
LaMaria said:
On the positive side you're eloquent and self-aware so your chances of making a good impression are higher than for the average Joe.

Well done on the water workout!
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Thank you for reminding me of the silver lining(s).

I just had a three-egg omelette, alfalfa sprouts, and a quesadilla for a bedtime snack. I might need to eat more later, so I'll take out some rye bread to thaw - if I don't need to eat today, I can have the bread for breakfast tomorrow. My muscles are pretty sore, and I'm having cramps in my abdomen again, so I think I'll take a potassium-magnesium supplement, take the dog out, feed her, brush my teeth and pass out.

Gym day tomorrow, looking forward to it! Every workout brings me a little bit closer to the end goal, and I do love what my increased activity has done for my appetite and mental health. It's easy to stay motivated when both the short term and long term rewards are so clear. PS: veg and fruit intake today was perfect. I haven't had broccoli in a while, I really love it.
 
The hurdles you have to go through would put so many people off. Not you, though. You are determined to be true to yourself.
As LaMa said,
LaMaria said:
Sounds like a valid reason to be frustrated. Most people don't enjoy telling strangers about their sexual habits and when your body feels uncomfortable to begin with I would imagine it's even more unpleasant. On the positive side you're eloquent and self-aware so your chances of making a good impression are higher than for the average Joe.
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Thank you @Cate :grouphug:

Lunch: a big portion of root veg, ham and bean casserole with chopped broccoli, pasta, and creme fraiche. Had a banana earlier in the morning but went back to sleep afterwards, and also had four slices of rye bread at night when I woke up to a nightmare where I had people do some really horrible stuff to me because I was trans. Real life stresses always find their way into my dreams...! But that doesn't matter; it's daytime, there's a bit of November sun peeking from behind the treeline, and it's gym day. Assistance will come over at 3PM, I'll clean up during the visit.

PS: I also had a quesadilla with coffee for dessert, because I was still a bit hungry and I had just enough grated cheese left for one quesadilla. I'll probably have a banana and 50g of banana toffee before leaving to the gym, because I've noticed that having a high carb snack beforehand makes me perform a lot better!
 
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Workout was perfect! I really pushed myself, but not to the point of discomfort - I was at the sweet spot of taking the workout for real, but not taking unnecessary risks. I had a shower and am doing laundry, I'll sit down for a while and then I'll have dinner (I had my usual porridge in the locker room). I think I'll have the last of the root veg casserole pan-fried with broccoli, and a side of kidney bean and egg burritos.

I'm going to prepare for tomorrow by putting out clothes beforehand, mixing myself dry porridge ingredients in a cup, and having what makeup I'll wear also planned out. (I have noticed that doctors often find it easier to have rapport with me if I look put together with some foundation, my eyebrows done, and a natural eyeshadow + mascara. Maybe it's partially because I feel less nervous if I I feel like I look put together, but who knows.)

Edit: I had a bit of a change of plans regarding my meals because I'll most likely still want to eat something before bed. I had two hard-boiled eggs, a can of kidney beans and broccoli pan-fried with shallot and garlic. And later I'll have cubed tofu and the rest of the casserole, maybe also peas if I'm extra hungry. (The tortillas might get a bit dry in the fridge but I can buy some cheese tomorrow and have them as quesadillas.)
 
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Doctor anxiety is starting to escalate so I decided to have my tofu + root veg casserole + pea thing now, after eating I'll take the dog for a walk, brush my teeth and try to sleep. I have organized everything for tomorrow morning and will give my shoes a quick wipe-down with a soapy rag so they won't be all muddy and gross tomorrow. Wish me luck, please...!
 
Best of luck my friend. You´re doing your part and the rest is - frustratingly - out of your hands. For me tortillas keep well in the fridge as long as they´re packed up airtight.
 
Cate said:
That’s no good! Anxiety?
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Yeah. :( I might need to have an extra rest day, this is really taxing to my body. I just had a banana and a flatbread in hopes that I might get to doze off even for just a little bit before having to get up and go to the doc. My legs are killing me though, so restless.
 
Take that extra rest day. Without enough rest exercise only tears your muscles down without rebuilding. I hope thr food helped and you got some sleep.
 
Ok I managed to sleep for 2,5 hours. Better than nothing. Going to get up now and make coffee, oatmeal with soy protein and banana, take my meds, walk the dog and put my face on. And take that extra rest day tomorrow, too.
 
What a relief! The doctor's appointment went well; there was the usual baiting to find out whether the patient is an addict but that's part of their protocol, and apparently I gave out good vibes because I wasn't required to give a urine sample or even routine labs, probably because my bloodwork has always been within the recommended ranges when it comes to blood sugar, liver enzymes, cholesterol and all that.

After the doc I got my second vaccine dose and was instructed to not do anything that raises my heartrate for three days - looks like I'm getting a slightly longer extra rest than intended! (I'm a bit bummed, but I guess I'll find it even more exciting to get back to my routine after a longer rest.) On my way back I bought soba and udon noodles, pappadums, and roasted coconut juice from the Asian grocery, and three drumsticks from the fried chicken place (it's a chain called Chitir Chicken). At home I noticed they gave me three instead of four, so that was a nice surprise :3

Now I plan to pay some bills, take a nap and walk the dog. I need to go buy groceries for tonight still but it's fine. I feel super relieved that the doc thing was this hassle free.
 
Oh noooo I can't fall asleep now because if I do, I won't wake up in time to take a return package to the post before Nera's kibble shipment arrives somewhere between 5pm-10pm! Chop chop Floater, I have three days of mandatory rest ahead anyway!
 
Oh wow I just finished shopping and I feel like I'll fall asleep standing up o_O I'll hurry home and pass out!

Made it home safely, but I don't feel too good. My sense of smell seems to be sharper than usual, to the point where my own scent is making me nauseous, despite being fresh and clean and wearing clean clothes. I have massive brain fog and a slight feeling of vertigo, too. It took me forever to pick out groceries at the supermarket because my brain just doesn't function.

I had to use the toilet at the supermarket and in the next stall there was an elderly woman who seemed to be going through a really rough patch and probably had been for some time. I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but she smelled of old tobacco, stale booze, piss, and a general unwashedness to the point that two teenage girls who entered the toilet as I was washing my hands went quiet and just stared at each other. I would not mention this otherwise because other people's misfortune is not my business, but I get tiny moments of olfactory hallucinations where I smell her again and it's terrible. I guess the nurse wasn't exaggerating when she said that the side effects from the second dose are worse than those from the first one.
 
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I almost ordered takeout because I'm just so tired, feels like my head is wrapped in cotton. But I reminded myself that I went to the grocery store because I wanted to get items that I forgot to order online (i have a big delivery coming tomorrow with all my healthy staples), and so that I could eat at home and not eat out for the second time today. So I had two quesadillas as a snack and will cook later when the brain fog lifts a bit.

At the same time I was feeling super emotional after the doc visit and other things I mentioned yesterday regarding the trans process, and ended up buying four beers while walking Nera. I think that one contributing factor is that now that I took the vaccine I'm forced out of my exercise routine and my brain is panicking about that, so there's a bit of a sense of "oh fuck let it all slide then". Of course, four beers does not equal "let it all slide", it's roughly 800 kcals and well within my financial means (and not forbidden after the vaccine), and I guess I'm also rebelling a bit after stressing out so much about the doc beforehand, so I needed to get a bit naughty. :reddevil:

I had a bit of a bro moment flexing in front of the mirror and seeing progress in my upper body. :D :D I bulk up really quickly for someone assigned female at birth, well maybe everyone bulks up as easily, I don't really have much comparisons. It made me feel a little bit easier about having to stay out of the swimming hall and the gym for three days.
 
Great to hear the doctor wasn´t an asshole to you! I hope the olfactory hypersensitivity and brain fog were just due to fatigue and aren´t reactions to the vaccine. 4 beers would upset my guts for days but if your body is fine with it there are worse things to calm down with once in a blue moon. I hope you feel ok again tomorrow morning.
 
@LaMaria I feel better already; so it was fatigue and anxiety, most likely.

I had a lovely long walk with Nera, and her food package arrived - she really liked dried chicken legs and her new squeaky lamb toy! It will most likely be gutted and de-squeakyfied by tomorrow, but the texture is clearly to her liking. She likes to hug, nurture and lick small plushie toys, of course alternating with gutting them and tossing them around. (Medea vibes, anyone?)
 
Glad to hear it was indeed just the rebound from the stress and exhaustion.
Floater said:
(Medea vibes, anyone?)
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I promise I never killed any kids but I did alternate between hugging, punching, cuddling, and crushing my teddy's non-existent skull back in the day...
 
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